WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cece on April 26, 2018, 06:33:06 pm

Title: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on April 26, 2018, 06:33:06 pm
I'm so ashamed I had a big blow up with dil at grandsons little league game, my 6 year old grandson asked to come over to our house and she said no.
For the past month I've been at her beck and call babysitting money drives to airport pet sitting ect., and just once I thought why not say yes to me and she said no and I threw a fit.

Back story is I've been threw chemo for ovarian cancer within the past year and also kidney removal and I'm short to anger. I apologized right away to her my son her mom but no can do they hate me and have been pretty mean.

What can I do
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: Bamboo2 on April 26, 2018, 08:40:16 pm
Welcome, Cece. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

First of all, let me say that I feel this is a time for you to be kind to yourself.  You have been through a lot, and I imagine you're doing the best you can.  Having a close friend who has lived with cancer, I witnessed how it really took a toll on her emotionally and physically.  My friend had to learn to take care of herself first - not always easy for us women to do.  In order to do that, it has meant saying no to people and listening to her "gut", as she is focusing on keeping herself as healthy as possible.  Sounds like you may have said yes to things you really didn't want to do for your son and DIL.  But all those things you've said yes to have perhaps only taken energy from you, and healing is the focus now.  I've learned from my relationship with my adult daughter that being at her beck and call only made me resentful and caused me to expect something back in response, even if it was only gratitude.  It also didn't make her have to solve her own problems herself if I continually came to her rescue.  And she learned she could treat me like dirt and I'd accept it.  I don't have grandkids, but if I did, I wouldn't want them to witness my daughter treating me poorly.  I wouldn't want that for you, either.

Wishing you well.  (((Hugs)))
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: luise.volta on April 27, 2018, 03:16:36 pm
I too have been a doormat. I got stuck for a long time in trying to understand it and trying to change it. Neither helped. I finally hit rock bottom and the only way out was alone, not finding a way out of it with my adult son, his wife and two sons. It felt like a death to me but it is what brought me life again. I wasn't living, I was existing in the middle of someone else's drama and calling it a life. What has restored me is choosing self respect and the respect of others. I'm no one's door mat. I deserve better and so do you. Hugs!
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on April 27, 2018, 09:16:08 pm
Thank You so much your reply post has helped me this week so much.
No communication between us I'm just hoping they will reach out.
Thanks again
Cece
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on April 27, 2018, 09:17:15 pm
I meant thank you both so much
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: luise.volta on April 28, 2018, 09:51:19 am
You are so welcome. Most of us have felt very alone with these issues and looking around, we have made it up that others were all living in bliss because many want to appear to be.


I waited and hoped too...and for me, that wasn't letting go. The next step was to stop and turn my attention and efforts toward those in my life who respected me. Waiting and hoping for me meant I was still focused on the drama and trauma. I add 'for me' because we are all different. That's why we share our experience and don't give advice. None of us know what is best or next for you. We're just in your corner and care. More hugs!
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on April 29, 2018, 10:00:45 am
Yes I'm trying not to focus on them , though it's hard everyday I feel better.
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: luise.volta on April 29, 2018, 11:37:47 am
You're doing great! I had to find positive things and people to focus on to fill my time and distract my mind. Otherwise I would be drawn back to it when for me that wasn't healthy. We are here for you. You can count on it!
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: gettingoldandcranky on April 29, 2018, 04:33:34 pm
cece - so sorry for what you are going through with your health.  do you need the added drama?  nope.  it's hard to put ourselves first when we want to do anything for those we love.  but a healthy you is most important.  i hope your son and dil come around and give you the support that you need.  this is a great place to vent and get support.  the ladies are truely wise women.
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on April 29, 2018, 05:45:53 pm
I'm not waiting for them to come around but I hope, I love them all and wish I never caused a uproar but I can't change the past.
I loved my MIL so much but I think times have changed , since we've been such a big part of my gs life I feel like I'm abandoning him and he'll wonder were Papa and Grandma are.
Life is short love to all
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: luise.volta on April 29, 2018, 06:19:44 pm
I adored my mother-in-law, too. She lived to be 105 and the bond was never broken. Yes, it was awful to let got of my grandsons. As adults, one has no use for me, the other thinks I hung the moon. that one now has a daughter...age 24, who agrees with him. My great granddaughter! You just never know...
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on April 30, 2018, 11:05:36 pm
Yes good news my son invited us to gs little legue game tonight and it was nice to see them. Dl wasn't there so maybe that's why we were invited.
I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and try to focus more on us.
But it was nice seeing them.

Love to all
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: Bamboo2 on May 01, 2018, 06:58:34 pm
That's great news, Cece!  Thanks for sharing it!  Some MILs here have found that their sons will still keep the relationship going with their moms but they are sometimes pulled in two different directions.  Hope things go well for you.  All the best  :)
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on May 01, 2018, 09:52:51 pm
Thank You for reply but she threw a fit about it so probably wasn't a great idea, I definitely don't want to cause my son any more strife so that's not happening again.
Life goes on and is so short at the same time, sometimes relationships can't be mended.
I keep working on myself that's all I can do.
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: luise.volta on May 01, 2018, 10:12:41 pm
You are a WiseWoman, C.! Hugs...
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on May 01, 2018, 10:32:51 pm
Thank You this site has helped me so much.
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: Frustrated Oma on May 02, 2018, 06:14:59 pm
Cece,

I can so relate.  I have seen the tug of war my son is in between my DIL  and I.  I too will not be the one to come between their relationship, especially because if it does not work out, I do not want to be the blame.  The separation has been the best medicine for me.  I hope it will be the same for you.  The hardest part is not really knowing my 6 month old GS but I just have to focus on what makes me happy.  I was raised to never put yourself first but I now find out that is sometimes necessary.  Sending hugs.
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on May 02, 2018, 06:31:09 pm
It's hard but I have to do it even if it is hard to be away from my gs who we love dearly.
At this point if she reaches out I'll go slow and try not to let myself be used so then I won't feel resentment.
Life is so short all of this is just to much in the long run.
I'm going to try and enjoy what's left thanks for all the support.💜💚?
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on May 02, 2018, 07:19:34 pm
I don't want anyone to get me wrong , this is the hardest thing I've had to do we have been the primary care takers of my 6 year old grandson since his birth. It has been a rocky road all most all of those six years.

I just can't take it anymore and it will I hope get easier with time .
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: luise.volta on May 02, 2018, 08:27:22 pm
C, there is no one here who will take you for granted. We have all been on the 'rocky road' and know what it cost us. Hugs...
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on May 03, 2018, 06:02:18 pm
Thank You I'm thankful for this site, trying to ignore emails from dil and separate for now because I recognise a pattern and I must think of myself and the stress.
The emails to say the least are mean but what can I do, nothing.
We are leaving on a trip for a while and I'm looking so forward to seeing old friends.
Thank You again for this forum.
Cece
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: luise.volta on May 03, 2018, 06:04:50 pm
Have a wonderful trip! You deserve it! Hugs...
Title: Re: dil and adult son
Post by: cece on May 03, 2018, 06:59:48 pm
Thank You