Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Frustrated Oma on February 20, 2018, 03:30:58 pm

Title: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on February 20, 2018, 03:30:58 pm

I am new to this forum.  I am also a new grandparent.  When my son met his wife, we absolutely loved her.  She was always so sweet and said how she came from a broken family so she loved the fact that we were all so close.  After they became engaged we began to notice a change in her as well as my son.  They hardly shared any wedding details with us and they became more distant.  They did a great job with their wedding and we told them so, we also gave them a very generous gift.  The visits were less and less and they seemed to always be busy with her Mom and sisters.  They didn't come for any holiday except Christmas as there were gifts involved.  They told us they were pregnant and we were very happy.  Throughout the pregnancy, there was never any news about doctor appts unless asked and then very vague answers were given.  On the day our Grandson was born, my son never called to say she was in labor or that the baby had been born.  I just happened to find out because I texted to see how she was feeling knowing her due date was past.  Now they live 20 mins from us  so it's not like this was happening in another state.  We went to the hospital and was able to hold our Grandson for about 5 minutes because she had all her sisters, their boyfriends, Grand mother and mother in the room.  We were able to see him twice the first week he was home and then were told they weren't accepting any visitors.  After a few weeks went by I asked again to come by and was told no.  Then I got upset and told my son he hurt my feelings.  He blew up at me.  Told me I smothered him his whole life and to leave him alone.  Eight weeks went by before we had another conversation, only to find out his wife prefers a life with her family only.  I just don't know what to do or where to put this in my brain.  I have been to consuling and I still loose sleep at night over this...  Why would my son who really did have a happy childhood and always told us how much he appreciated us now think this is ok?
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Bamboo2 on February 20, 2018, 04:42:11 pm
Hello, Frustrated Oma, and welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go to the Home Page and read the posts under Read Me First.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

I'm so glad that you found us.  So sorry to read about the situation with your son and DIL.  Sadly, there are many moms who have experienced something similar and equally bewildering.  The archives here are full of their stories.  Maybe you can gain some comfort from them. 

There is probably no good answer as to why they are treating you this way.  In my own DD's case, she thought we were too strict, she wanted to be with her BF's family who all thought she walked on water and was supposed to "rescue" the BF from his myriad bad life choices, and she was being financially and emotionally controlled by him.  It was easy to blame us and reject us as we would still probably always be there, in her mind.  He, on the other hand, was playing manipulative games with her so that she would continually choose him and his family over ours.  In fact, she had to get "permission" to do anything with our family.  That doesn't excuse her choices, but may have explained them.  All I felt, though, was hurt and rejection.  Where was my loving daughter who had always said she would take care of us in our old age?  Nowhere to be found.

For my own peace of mind, I had to back away and change my focus to the only thing I could control, which was my own life.  After chasing her for way too long, I finally started  to create my own joy in life.  I found other young people who valued my presence in their lives, found a new hobby with my husband, found this forum and kept reading and posting till I felt that I had a blueprint for going forward, with or without this daughter of mine. 

Now things have improved with her, she's in a new relationship and there is hope.  But it was four years of ups and downs until I finally understood that I really could live without her in my life if it meant giving up my self-respect just to have some semblance of a relationship.  I gained a lot of support on this site, and I hope that you will, too. 
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on February 21, 2018, 11:20:27 am
Bamboo2, thank you for your response and kind words, they are much appreciated.  I applaud your success in finding peace with your situation.  I have a lot of struggles to overcome with this situation, the biggest is even the thought of having a life without my DS and GC just tears me apart.  I don't even know where to begin to put the idea that my DS doesn't want a life with us into my realm of thinking.  My husband keeps telling me that I am trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense.  To think that one human being can be so selfish to keep someone they supposedly love from the ones  they love is beyond my thought capabilities.  Can someone be that selfish?  We have walked on eggshells, were as kind and friendly as any human could be, since the day we met her.  I can honestly say that there was never any altercation, disagreement nothing until after they closed us out and I told my DS that my feelings were hurt.  I have a lot of work to do on myself to stop this from obsessing my life.  Just don't know where to even start.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Bamboo2 on February 21, 2018, 02:23:42 pm
Hi Oma,
As I was thinking about your post yesterday, I ran across this post from a member named Pooh, a former moderator who touched a lot of people on this site over the several years she was active here.  She came to a point of acceptance of her situation.  She has lots of great posts, and this last one was very meaningful to me.  It shows me that there is a good life beyond adult children who turn away.  Maybe this will be of some comfort to you, too. 


Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on February 21, 2018, 03:23:58 pm
Thank you,  You are so right, the words in the post from Pooh are uplifting and give me courage to face this road.  I just have to find the beginning.  I am lucky enough to have an AD who is my breath of fresh air in all of this.  Her and her DH have been trying to conceive with no luck so I will begin my journey by placing all my love and support on her as she begins her IVF treatments.  She too is conflicted by her brothers actions and has been shut out as well.  Please pray for her, I know she will make an awesome mama.
I will keep you posted on both fronts.  So happy I found this group, I have felt so alone in this....
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: gettingoldandcranky on February 27, 2018, 08:45:19 am
frustrated oma i feel your pain.  heartbreaking.  our ds has been married for years and the oldest child is 7.  we are left out constantly.  as of now, there have been many phone calls that are never returned.  if we get a response from a text or email, it is a miracle.
i am trying so hard to move on - pooh's post has been saved and re read many times.  i know that time is a factor is learning to live with reality.  it is a hard tunnel to get through and a hurtful struggle.  i have guilt, depression and can't figure out what happened.  this is a wonderful place to vent and read others journeys.
will send out prayers for you that you can take care of yourself and maybe get some good results in your relationship with your son
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on March 01, 2018, 06:43:02 pm
Dear Gettingold and cranky,
Thank you for your support.  It saddens me to hear so many of us have to deal with this pain.  The best thing about this page is you can vent to people who totally understand the situation we are in.  I was talking to a couple girl friends last night and their response was supportive but they said the same as most people "if that was my son, I would let him have it "  What they don't understand is the real fear of not having your child in your life.  When I was a teen, my brother and parents got into a fight over a girl he was dating and my brother walked out.  We didn't see or hear from him again for 15 years.  This haunts me daily....  I just couldn't bear that...  I will keep you in my prayers as well.  I hope things change for both of us.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on March 02, 2018, 03:43:17 am
Oh Frustrated, I know exactly where you are coming from!  I remember that fear of loosing touch with my DS so clearly!  I clung to him even though it was absolutely obvious that he was not interested in staying close.  I called and texted all the time.  I was desperate to get the relationship we had had back because we were so close and he was so loving before and then suddenly he was gone, just gone.  I tried for months to "fix" things by groveling and putting up with all of their stipulations for contact. 

My wake up moment came when I realized that the person I wanted to be around was gone.  My DS had changed into someone who I did not know and honestly he was someone whose company I did not even enjoy because of all the eggshells I had to tip toe around.  If I did not enjoy his company why was I so hurt by him not wanting to be around me?  At that point I stopped.  I stopped calling, I stopped texting, I stopped begging and I stopped tiptoeing.

Since then things have gotten better and I see my DS more often and we are developing a good relationship.  The young man I knew pre DIL is still gone but I can see the foundation of him in the new man I am getting to know.  I enjoy the new man and look forward to his visits and whether he and his spouse stay together is his decision. 

This site was absolutely the life changer for me as it has been for so many others.  I would love to write more but I would be late for work........

Good luck!  Hugs from all of us!
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on March 02, 2018, 06:57:35 pm
Stilllearning, reading your words this morning really shifted my realm of thinking.  I didn't even realize I could have possibly been mourning the loss of the DS I once knew.  Before my DIL came in to the picture, he was a funny yet synical guy who could chat with his parents for hours.  He know is withdrawn, quiet always serious and hardly ever smiles.  I can not tell you how much I miss the guy he used to be.  But like you I think that guy is gone forever.  I only hope that one day he will allow me in to be able to get to know the new man he has grown to be.  In the mean time, I realize I need to work on me to work through my grief.  Thank you for the eye opener.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on March 03, 2018, 04:45:17 am
Frustrated, I am sorry that I had to rush off!  Sounds like you know what to do now.  My life turned around completely once I started focusing on making being happy regardless of my DS's situation.  I planned trips (not expensive, but fun like canoeing) for the days when I knew I would be most likely to visit what I now call the abyss.  We started celebrating Thanksgiving on Friday and going somewhere fun on Thursday and things like that.  I made plans without my DS for Christmas.  I admit it still hurt when he ignored me on my birthday, anniversary or Mother's day but I forced myself to think of the people who did remember me on those days and not think about him.  Gradually he drifted back into my life but there were many missed special occasions. 

And now a little more about our nemesis The Abyss.........

When my thoughts accidentally stray to the times that were so bad and how much he hurt me I have to force ably turn my thoughts to happier things.  The Abyss will suck me in and make my life a living hell, just like it was when I lived there.  So when I visit there and my thoughts turn dark I have learned to catch myself and start thinking about things that make me happy and I have learned to try to live by these two mottoes:

What you focus on expands


For things to change first I must change

Good luck and remember that we are here for you!
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on March 06, 2018, 12:14:14 pm
Question for all my new found friends.  My therapist stated that I should continue to extend invitations to family gatherings to my DS and DIL.  So I extended an invitation for Easter Sunday and did it early as I thought that my DIL would not have made plans with her family yet. (Wishful thinking on my part)  I received a reponse from my son only as I had texted them both.  This is the response I received from my DS.  I would love to hear your insight on this. ..Hey Mom, hope everything is good with you guys. Sorry for not getting back to you the last couple days but I wanted to confirm a straight answer before I replied about Easter.  Unfortunately, we will not be able to make brunch.  DIL'S name  mom's boyfriend is a mega catholic and has an extravagant day planned for everyone.  Last year he did the same thing and it is super over the top and I can't get out of it. .  I know you asked way in advance so I am especially sorry I can't make it. I Love you.

My husband's thoughts on this text was that our DS may finally be seeing the light as indicated in using the word "I"  in much of his response.  I am not sure what to think as I don't want to raise false hopes within my self that he may finally be starting to feel conflicted with the situation.  Your thoughts. ...
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on March 06, 2018, 12:49:33 pm
I think his text reply shows that he cares for you a lot.  Although I agree that you should continue to issue invitations to your DS/DIL trying for a big holiday like Easter might not be the best way to go.  There is so much pressure on those days to make things perfect that I tend to get testy and overwrought with all the preparations.  I enjoyed inviting my DS/DIL over for a cook out in the backyard.  Hamburgers and hot dogs were easy (and a real treat for us old fogies since we never have them!) and it spread the work out so that I had more time to visit (I prepped and DH cooked).  It worked well for us.

I also think that I would thank my DS for replying so promptly as I have several other options for Easter and it gives me time to prepare (or decide?).  I always plan something fun for my holidays so that I do not sit around and mope.  I hope you have a wonderful Easter!

Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: amflautist on March 06, 2018, 03:41:59 pm
Oma, you write " I am not sure what to think as I don't want to raise false hopes within my self that he may finally be starting to feel conflicted with the situation.  Your thoughts."

My situation is very similar to yours.  DIL will not allow us to visit, and DS takes her side in everything.  I held my breath for 8 years, hoping he would "see the light".  It never happened.  When DS and DIL had children, 3 years ago, I knew that I had to stop hoping he would "see the light".  I had to hope he and DIL were making a happy family situation for our grandchildren (whom we have not been allowed to see for 2 years). 

In the beginning of his marriage, DS would come home once or twice a year, without DIL, because he really loves us and wanted to see us.  I know that he still loves us, that he would like to have us visit, and that he would like to bring his children here.  But it's not in the cards for him.  He has chosen DIL and her family in place of us - not as an additional family, but as his primary family.  He moved to the town of his inlaws and built a house for himself, DIL and the grandchildren. 

I know that he loves us, but I had to disengage because the hurt and disappointment were unbearable.  I do not extend invitations and I will not even ask to go to our GSs' birthday parties any more because ii is always refused, and because DS told us that merely bringing it up with DIL causes a fight between them.  I know he loves us because he sent me flowers on my birthday last week. He was traveling for business, so he could do this without DIL knowing.  The card was signed from DS alone, not from DS and DIL.  I was surprised and very happy to get that lovely gift. 

I am sure your DS loves you and would like to see you.  Keep inviting him, maybe for a non-holiday time.  Who knows, maybe he will come home alone for a visit!  I'm hoping this will happen for you, and I hope you tell us when it does!!!  I don't know what you intend to do about Christmas and birthday presents, but I will tell you that I intend to keep sending cards and gifts.  I have never in 11 years received an acknowledgement of a gift, or a thank you, from DIL, but I keep sending her gifts for her birthday and Christmas because I know that DS would think less of me if I didn't do that.  I encourage you to send cards and flowers too - without expecting anything in return - but just because I'm sure your DS will appreciate you for it.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on March 06, 2018, 09:43:13 pm
Dear am flautist,
Thank you for you response and I am sorry you are in the same boat.  Have you ever resolved the issue in your heart and head as to why your DS was never able to put his foot down with your DIL and to say that I love my family and I will visit with them etc...  I know it would cause a great deal of conflict between them as a couple but I just can't grasp the concept that my DS would not fight for people he supposedly cares about.  This has been my biggest struggle.  My husband and I have been married for 34 years.  His sister has-been very mean to me through the years.  My DH would never confront her  for fear of hurting his mother's feelings.  We had many  fights over this but in the end I understood his thoughts and feelings and would never have thought to forbid him from seeing his family. My DS witnessed and knew the situation and saw the pain it caused both of us but also witnessed the two of us compromising our differences.  I just don't get it.  Making your spouse give up their family just is not a marriage.  I feel bad for you and your son.  My DS also sent this text behind her back and yes I will continue to send gifts and cards because it is the right thing to do and my GS did not ask to be placed in this situation.  But I can not help but feel like I am the only one making the effort.  As you can see I am still very bitter.  I just can't fathom the selfishness someone has to possess to keep their own GC from their grandparents.  It is just not normal.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on March 06, 2018, 10:02:46 pm
Dear stilllearning,  I admire your strength in this situation and I am sure it probably took some time to get there.  This is all so new to me and my emotions go from being in a place where I think I am healing but them find my self deep in the "abyss" as you call it.

I have no doubt that my son cares about me but that is what brings me so much conflict.  I don't understand why he is not willing to fight for the people he loves.  I know his wife is first and foremost as she should be but that should not mean that she should be the only one he can love and why would she want that?  When i fall in to the dark whole is when I try to make sense of all of this,  I just want to reach out and scream at my DIL and shake her and ask what is she thinking and how could she be so selfish. But I also know that doing this would bring any relationship we might be able to still have to an abrupt end.  My DS knows how much this hurts me and I just don't get how he allows his wife to act in this way.  My DH sees things differently and tells me he gets that my DS is also trying to make his wife Happy because he has to go home to her everyday.  But is marriage really worth that?    He was raised with parents that have been in a happy marriage for 34 years,  with grandparents on both sides married for over 60 years.  He has witnessed how important compromise is in a marriage and yet he allows this to happen in his own.  As you can see I am deeply in the "abyss"  these days.  Thank you for your ear.

Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on March 07, 2018, 04:25:17 pm
Oh Frustrated, I have been exactly where you are and I know the heart break that you are going through!  My DS and I were so close that I never imagined that he would turn his back on me so completely and so coldly.  I do not know what went through his mind but for years he ignored me on every occasion......Christmas, my birthday, my anniversary and even Mother's Day.  Meanwhile because I was facebook friends with my DIL I would see her write all about how much she loved and honored her mother on every occasion (especially Mother's Day) and it would tear my poor heart right out of my chest and throw me into crying fits that matched the ones I experienced in adolescence.  I thought that my life had been wasted raising such a thoughtless child and I too could not understand how he could do it.  I never knew that I could be hurt so badly by my child.  I tried every way I could think of to "fix" it and the harder I tried the worse it got.

I came close to ruining my marriage (it will be 40 years this year!) before I finally gave up.  Yes, I said I gave up!  I did not notify my DS of my feelings because he had made it perfectly clear to me that he did not care to hear from me.  I just quit calling, quit texting, quit trying to "fix" anything.  I decided that my DH deserved better than I was giving him and I started to focus my efforts on improving the life I had with my DH.  My efforts were rewarded tenfold! 

My DS eventually realized that if he wanted a relationship with my DH and I he had to put at least a modicum of effort into it.  Things have improved greatly around here but it all started when I decided that I deserve better and so did my DH.  We worked hard all those years and raised a young man who was able to stand on his own.  It was (and is) time for my DH and I to enjoy ourselves and I am not going to let the child we raised interfere with our enjoyment of our golden years! 

Good luck (and hugs!)

Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: jdtm on March 07, 2018, 06:42:05 pm
QuoteI know it would cause a great deal of conflict between them as a couple but I just can't grasp the concept that my DS would not fight for people he supposedly cares about. 

This also happened to me.  But I know why our son would not confront our former DIL (eventually she left our son and abandoned her children).  If she did not get her way, she would rage and rage, for days/weeks, causing extreme turmoil.  Our son, at times, would remove the children from the home for days.  He would not leave her; I feel she was mentally ill.  Unfortunately, I witnessed two episodes - beyond anything I could have imagined.  I hope your situation is less severe.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on March 16, 2018, 08:52:35 pm
Good Evening Ladies,
It took me a while but I have finally been able to pull myself out of the "abyss".  Listening to your advice the hubby and I are planning a trip to Florida for some time away from all of this.  Thanks for all your support.  I will keep you all posted on progress.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on March 17, 2018, 12:41:59 pm
Congrats Frustrated!!  I hope you and your DH have a wonderful time both planning your trip and taking it!!  You deserve every bit of it. 

Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Bamboo2 on March 17, 2018, 09:43:18 pm
Such great news, Oma!  I hope you have a wonderful time.  I always felt that time away was a great gift to give to myself and my husband.  Keep in touch.  Hugs  ;D
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: SunnyD on March 19, 2018, 02:59:19 pm
Dear Frustrated Oma,
Thank you for your reply to my post and I wanted to extend my heartfelt support to yours as well.  I really feel for your situation and how difficult this wrap our heads around what has happened.  My DS was from a loving and supportive family as well, so this is all such a terrible shock! 
Please enjoy your vaca time!
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on March 19, 2018, 03:33:08 pm
SunnyD, thank you....  Shock is a great word for the way we feel.  I am sure this is not what you pictured life with your AC would be like.  I for sure thought becoming a grandparent would bring me a world of joy. Thus far it's been nothing but sadness. Shock Iis definitely my feeling beside others.  I am here if you need me,  as our pain is as fresh as yours..  I pray things change for the better for all of us.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on May 03, 2018, 06:33:13 pm
So you think you are going along just fine and making progress and it all comes crashing down again.  About two weeks ago I unfriended my DIL's  sisters and mother from Facebook because it was effecting me every time I saw posts with them and my GS.  I figured it wouldn't matter anyway since we don't even use Facebook to socialize with each other.  Well my DS called me today to say that my DIL is completely insulted  (mind you my DS and DIL are not even on facebook)  that I would do this and that this is a refection on her.  She feels I have disrespected her.  My son tells me he could care less, he just wants peace.  I am just frustrated because everytime I do anything to protect my own feelings, I am supposedly disrespecting her.  I am trying to cut my self away from the things that trigger a decent in to the"abyss"  and I continously get called out and accused of disrespect.  She doesn't want us in her life but it is disrespectful if we take ourselves out of it as well.  How do you win in this situation?
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Bamboo2 on May 04, 2018, 08:29:27 pm
So goes the roller coaster of emotions that I've been through, too.  My situation isn't quite the same, but I did tell my daughter that we just couldn't hear any more about her BF or his family anymore.  It was too upsetting and I just didn't want to have that in my life.  I finally figured out (with the support I got here on WWU) that I deserved a peaceful life.  That is what you are giving yourself by un-friending DIL's relatives.  Likely DIL would find something else to be upset about, but that's not your problem.  You're taking care of you.  Your son wanting peace is his to figure out, not yours.  He married her.  You didn't.  I didn't pick my daughter's BF either, so I didn't have to put up with him or his family.  No explanation, justification or apology  necessary.  And to the question, "How do you win in this situation?" I think you "win" when you decide that you just don't care what she thinks, says or does because you realize that taking care of yourself is the only thing you have control of.

Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on May 05, 2018, 11:26:48 am
Thanks Bamboo2, you are so right, roller coaster of emotions but something good has come out of this.  I called my DS, needless to say when he was at work and not with her.  I was grasping at anything that could make things easier between us and he finally opened up about everything.  I had asked him to tell me what to do to fix this, I told him that our relationship should not be this hard.  He told me that he appreciates the space we have given him and for respecting his wishes but it is not my problem to fix, it is their problem to fix.  (Exactly what you said Bamboo2)  He told me that they are having alot of problems right now and that my DIL is the cause of it.  She listens to what her family, especially her mother says  and will not listen to anyone else not even him.  He said her family is one of no loving emotion and that ours is and she is very threatened by this.  I have to say that I was very proud of him during this phone call and knew there and then that my DS was now a man.  He said it is his responsibility to fix his marriage but he also knows he has a family who loves and supports him and we just need to let him work on it.   He asked that we continue to do what we are doing and to know he is not upset with us.  I hung up and balled like a baby.  The relief I felt was unimaginable as he really is still the boy that I raised.  This place has been my sole source of support.  Even though I have a loving husband, he is still a guy and they see so many things differently.  Every time I have felt the waves starting to rumble, I would come back here and reread the responses and I get my strength back to move one.  I know I will still need to do this I truly believe my DIL isn't done with me yet :)  Thank you everyone here for being my continued crutch and holding me up.  Love you all.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Bamboo2 on May 05, 2018, 01:49:05 pm
So wonderful to hear about the breakthrough with your son.  Yay!! It was great that he took ownership of their problems and saw through her blame game.   Thanks for sharing  😊
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on May 07, 2018, 05:26:14 am
Wow Frustrated, your post brought tears to my eyes!  I am so happy for you!  Yipee!!  Thanks for sharing!
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on May 20, 2018, 02:34:07 pm
So now I find that my original topic of discussion is even more true."Conflicted"  What I thought was a break through with my DS, we have had many phone conversations and he has opened up to me about issues with his wife.  He even showed up for a family dinner on Mother's day without her and sent me the nicest text message after the dinner telling me how nice it was to spend time with his family without being on edge wondering what might upset her.  I was so relieved that we were finally seeing the old son we knew.  Now I  have sent some text messages and have received no response.  I haven't texted him again in the last few days.  So now I keep reliving a conversation we had when things weren't so good between us when he stated,  "do you realize how easy it is to lie to you".  I just keep concocting this this in my head like this was there next way of getting his wife through Mother's day without having to show up.  I am probably very wrong and my head is just creating things but I guess after all that had been said during our time of fighting, I am having a hard time trusting.  Is that wrong?  As I said, Conflicted!
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on June 18, 2018, 07:38:56 pm
The hurt continues.....  Memorial Day weekend I was rushed to the hospital with severe adominal pain.  My DH and DD rushed to my side.  My son who lives exactly 8 minutes from the hospital was called and he said to keep him posted as the DIL had a yoga class within the hour and he did not want to take the baby to the hospital.  I find out that I have a football size mass in my pelvis and need to go in for a full hysterectomy and biopsy.  Well surgery was scheduled for one week later.  My DD immediately told work she would not be in the day of and the day after surgery.  My DH sternly told our DS, that he needed to be there before I went into surgery and when I came out as we did not know what the outcome would be.  Luckily for me it was a benign tumor.  My DH and DD stated that my DIL was texting him the whole time asking him when he expected to arrive home.  I just don't understand some of the cold hearted people that are in this generation.  Instead of supporting him during this worrisome time, she just needed to know when he would be home to take over baby duties.  5 days post op in the hospital, my DS never came to visit me.  He did call to check in on his way home from work before being with her for the night.  I just don't get the lack of compassion.  Thank you for letting me vent....
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on June 19, 2018, 02:30:59 am
Hi Frustrated.  I am so sorry that you are faced with such an untenable situation.  I felt about the same way about my DS.  I went to the hospital with chest pains and was admitted from the ER and my DS could not even come by to give my DH a ride home.  Both my DH and I were livid and we certainly let my DS know.  Things did not change for us until I finally realized that I did not even enjoy my DS's presence because he felt like visiting us was an imposition and my DIL was texting every 5 minutes about when he was coming home.  She even went so far as to set a frying pan on fire on the stove and then call him to come rushing home.  It was ridiculous!  Anyway like I said one day I stopped and asked myself why I was struggling so hard to be around someone who made me so uncomfortable and mad.  I realized that my life was better (yes, better!) and happier if I did not include him or expect him to participate. 

The next thing I figured out was that some holidays (Mother's Day, Christmas and such) were going to be difficult to manage without noticing my DS's absence so I started planning things.  There was one Thanksgiving when my DH and I decided not to have the big feast on Thursday because the weather was so wonderful.  We went canoeing on Thursday and I cooked on Friday when it was raining.  It was really liberating to realize that I could just shift the celebration around, Christmas did not have to be on December 25th.  So I started making plans for important days and letting my DS know what they were.  I stopped expecting him to show up (I knew he did not want to be there anyway) but I would tell him he could come if he wanted.

It was the most amazing thing.  Once I stopped pulling on him he stopped pulling away.  It was like I had been part of the problem by constantly demanding he change things.  I only had control over myself so the only way I could change the situation was for me to change the way I looked at things.  I started reciting my three mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) For things to change first I must change
3) What you focus on expands

I started practicing changing my focus.  When I thought about my situation with my DS I would tell myself number 1 and then work on changing my focus from that horrible situation to something that I enjoyed (like planning a camping trip).  My relationship with my DH was the first to improve.  He was so tired of trying to fix the impossible situation with my DS and so tired of watching me hurt without any way of making it better.  I never realized how unfair I was being to my DH until after it was over.

After a few months of loving detachment my DS realized what he was missing and has slowly moved into a better relationship with my DH and myself.  We are now seeing my DS and grands every Saturday (for the summer) and everyone enjoys it.  My DIL gets the day off from being a Mom, my DS gets help watching the children and I get the hugs and squeals that make my heart smile and brighten my life. 

I know that I was fortunate with my eventual outcome but honestly when I pulled away it was out of desperation.  Things had to change, one way or the other.  I could not go on in the same way.  Period.  Quite frankly if it had turned out that I was estranged from my DS I think I would have been OK.  I just could not put up with being treated that way any longer and with the help from the wonderful women here I found my way of stopping the abuse.  After all no one can hurt my feelings  if I don't let them, right?

Anyway Frustrated, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to recover your former self from this horrible situation!  Hugs!
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on June 19, 2018, 06:58:47 pm
Thank you Stilllearning, I am home and recovering from my hysterectomy and all is good with my health, for that I am grateful.  Naming this initial post last year "conflicted"  Seems to always comes back at just that... I did back off and lighten my expectations and my DS reopened the door to our relationship.  But the things he tells me in private conflict with his actions in public.  I  know when is with us and my DIL is present, he is cold, very quit and on edge.  When he shows up on his own, he returns to his warm funny self.  I know he is the way he is with her to appease her and not to cause a fight.  The question is, Is he the way he is when alone with us to appease us.  If that is the case, how in the world will my son ever find peace in his life? Ughh just can't seem to wrap my head around this situation as this whole thing started over something trivial....
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Stilllearning on June 19, 2018, 07:22:57 pm
My point was (and is) that my life did not change until I stopped trying to figure things out and started living for myself.  My DS had to figure out what mattered to him  and I was just fortunate to find out that I was on the good side of that equation.  I did have to be prepared to be on the losing side before I took that plunge.  Perhaps you are not quite ready for that change.

It was quite refreshing to find myself on the sidelines......

Not my circus, not my monkeys....
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on June 19, 2018, 10:39:03 pm
Point taken Stilllearning, your message has clicked.  I need to just stop trying to figure it out.  There are more ways than one to move on.  You are correct, I do need to figure out if I am there yet.  Thank you.
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: OhGal on August 01, 2018, 10:07:28 am
I could have written your story!  I am sorry you are going through this, but also glad to know I am not alone. I hope that doesn't sound mean to say!  I am new here, too, and so glad to know this group exists.

I wish you much happiness and peace -- I hope things have already improved with your situation by the time you are reading this!

Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Frustrated Oma on September 14, 2018, 04:57:36 pm
Have not posted for a while, been battling ovarian cancer.  Just need a moment to vent, Things between my DS and DIL have been let's just say tolerable,  mostly because I think they are doing what they need to not look like complete jerks in others eyes with what I am battling.  Today I get a text message from my DIL stating that they will not be celebrating my GS 1st birthday as it will be  just the three of them and there will be no other gatherings.  We are welcome to send a gift but there is a whole list of rules of what we can and can not get him.  I just don't get why they are both so adamant about not sharing this child with anyone.  My poor GC is going to be robbed of so much love throughout his life.  I am just so sad..
Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: Bamboo2 on September 15, 2018, 08:49:45 pm
Oma, I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer battle.  You've been through so much.  Please take good care of yourself and treasure the time with those who want to be with you on your journey.  As far as your GS goes, while it may seem like he will miss out on a lot of love throughout his life, as you say, none of us knows the future. 

Sending positive thoughts your way

Title: Re: Conflicted
Post by: gettingoldandcranky on September 19, 2018, 10:05:17 am
Frustrated Oma   I feel your pain.  It doesn't make sense and is hurtful.  The solution we have come up with when we are told there is no room for us at birthday parties:  We call on the birthday.  If there is no answer which is what always happens, we leave a message. Hopefully it is passed along, but we called and did what is in our hearts - wishing our loved grandchild a happy birthday.  We ask for a date when we can visit and when we go I bring balloons, cupcakes and we celebrate!  So far this has been allowed to happen fairly close to our grandchilds actual birthday.
A couple of times we were allowed to go to the celebratory party, but a majority of the birthdays there is "no room" for my DS family.
You will get through this and hopefully our grandchildren realize at some point that we love them even though we are not allowed to participate in their lives.