Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: kate123 on September 26, 2017, 04:23:21 pm

Title: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: kate123 on September 26, 2017, 04:23:21 pm
Usually I do not write here about my BF or his Mom. Hope I am putting this in the right place, but here it is. She is not my MIL, but my BF's mother (I will never marry again). Anyway she is like an MIL in every way. She is nice and kind to me, but lately I do not feel I can have a conversation with her because if I dare say anything even remotely negative about her son she goes into a kind of denial. He can do no wrong. And frankly I believe this has led him to be completely irresponsible. Leaves his clothes on the floor everywhere, dirty dishes everywhere, and so on. I can repeat myself a thousand times and it changes nothing. If I should accidently mention anything to his mother she immediately makes excuses, oh he is tired or this or that. NO! he is lazy! And what I say in my mind is- you sent him back to his father at age 13 because you couldn't take it either! HE is a big BABY because no one kicked him in the butt and trained him, now I am trying to deal with it! That is what I want to say but never would. But really, what do I say to her when she defends him when she should say- put him on the phone, let me say a few words of motherly love (i.e. get your act together boy!). I would like to have a good relationship with her, but I am drifting because I just can't deal hearing how perfect he is anymore! She blames his exes for all that went wrong, I am slowly seeing something different, like maybe they got tired of being his mother! The one that wasn't there during those trainable years. I don't know the exact whys of why she sent him to his father, but maybe now she feels guilty, or she needs him, whatever. But don't you think she should be honest with me, and him by telling him he has to man-up?
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: Stilllearning on September 26, 2017, 04:57:59 pm
Whoa Kate.  I made the mistake of taking a long car trip with my DIL during which she complained about my DS for the entire 4 hours.  Well that is not true because she complained about her family for about half the time.  I did not defend my DS.  I kept my mouth shut.  We visited with my brother and his wonderful wife and then headed home.  On the way home she started in on complaining about everything (my DS included) and she continued until I said " Could you please, please say something nice about my son?  I am sorry but I am no longer in control of my DS.  He is not in my house and therefore he is outside my sphere of influence.  He is in yours.  Why did you marry him if you think so poorly of him?"  It was the last trip I took with her and I plan on keeping it that way.

So I guess the question is can you still see the wonderful qualities you saw in your boyfriend when you first got together?  If not it might be time to rethink the situation.  Do not look on your BF's mother as a possible ally in your arguments with your BF.  She cannot make things right in your relationship but you can.

Good luck!!  Hugs!

ps....I always told my MIL how wonderful her son was to me in spite of the troubles we might be going through.  He also never told my parents about his issues with me.  There are some things that should be private for everyone's sake.
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: kate123 on September 26, 2017, 05:05:36 pm
yes usually I do only speak of the wonderful things, but every now and then I will slip. I am a mother, I know better than to say "bad" things about a child to the mother. (I was born a day, but it wasn't yesterday! LOL). However, when my DIL mentions occasionally about my son's wrongdoing I will say something to him, because I figure she is asking for my help. That is what I would like, a little help.
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: kate123 on September 26, 2017, 05:09:38 pm
Oh, and four hours in the car- no way could I listen to any complaining about anything for that long. I would have ended up on a bus!
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: Stilllearning on September 26, 2017, 05:19:26 pm
You must be an incredible MIL, far better than the norm (or me either!).  I feel like the issues my DIL has with my DS are her own and should be dealt with as such.  Actually the same goes for the issues my DS has with my DIL.  I will listen but I will not intervene or offer opinions in any way.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.  Good luck!!
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: Things happens on September 26, 2017, 11:18:51 pm

I don't have a relationship with my DIL beyond Obligations. About 4 years into there marriage she held a month get together for several women where we would get together and make things. After about a year, all I heard about it how my son did this, and my son did that, etc.... every month never fail I would hear a 5 hour compalining session, in which I said nothing and just smiled trying to get along with her. (was he guilty of some of the stuff, probably. Thing was when he lived with me for the first 23 years of his life, he never did those thing, because I did not allow that behavior). So after about 5 months she started in her monthly triad (in which everyone but her mother was getting sick of, but then mom does the same thing about husband), I had more then enough, I just turned and looked at her with a smile and said well when I gave him to you he was perfectly fine, you  must of broke him and I am not taking back a broken item. You could hear a pin drop, but it felt so good.

Now the reason why I am tell you this is that he is your problem, not your BF mom. She raised him best she could, unless you know for certain why he was sent to live with his dad I wouldn't bring that up. It is all in the past, it is not mom place to say anything to her son at this stage, he is a grown man, and your a grown women in a relationship. Work it out, doesn't put laundry where it belongs, doesn't get done, doesn't clean up his dishes, Put a towel down and stack them where he sits. Communicate with each other, go to counseling, heck if he had a bad start in life he just might be depressed and need help.

I do think that you can have a wonderful relationship with his mom, just stop criticizing her son to her. Because in sense you are criticizing her parenting skills also.

BTW when I married my husband, he was less then ideal and it was due to his up bringing. Took many years, but I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, even when I was upset with him being a total slob. Just took one day at a time, and we worked things out together, and made my son a thoughtful responsible young man to help save his future wife. He sure blew that one.

Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: Pen on September 27, 2017, 05:09:07 pm
IMO, once a child becomes an adult the parenting is done. Complaining about a spouse to his/her parent only serves to create tension between the complainer and the parent. If there are issues that need to be addressed, the couple needs to deal with them and leave parents out of it.
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: Stilllearning on September 29, 2017, 02:05:09 am
Hello Things Happens!

I have modified your post because there was some foul language.  Please refer to our forum agreement where it states "It also won't work here to use foul language. Since everyone's definition of what that constitutes varies...the plan is to just not to go there. Words that are abbreviated will be deleted. If we can figure it out, it's a no-go."  Thanks for your insight!!
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: luise.volta on September 29, 2017, 09:10:18 pm
I have learned that for me the 'He said...she did' thing just doesn't work. I think it's called triangulation but I'm not sure. I spent way too long not realizing that I was experiencing upsets that weren't mine.  Finally I got to a place where I said: "That's not something you need to talk to me about. You need to accept it our talk to _____" For me, that works not only with my extended family but with friends and acquaintances. They usually stop because they know how I am going to respond. If they continue...I simply say I'm not going there.

If I am asked...'What do you think...or don't you agree', I smile and pull and imaginary zipper across my mouth. I, too, feel that adulthood and a new relationship is where we all learn...or don't and it's private.
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: kate123 on October 04, 2017, 06:24:39 pm
I can see that I am not understood here, and I understand completely because you are not here in my shoes, and are basing what I have said on your own experiences with DIL's who complain.
Women often keep their situation and feelings to themselves for this exact reason. When women are in an abusive situation and cry out, some will say 'it's is partly your fault' or 'you drove him to it' or 'you asked for it'.
And as for parenting- this is a job of a lifetime. You do not stand by why your children (of any age) do something that is not acceptable-lawfully, morally, or just otherwise inconsiderate- without saying anything. You do not walk on eggshells in fear they will not like what you say. Once I heard my son talk to my DIL in such a way that I was embarrassed for her. And I did speak up and told him he had no right to talk to her that way no matter what she does (and to my remembrance, she really did absolutely nothing, he was just in a mood). I see that as abusive and would/will not stand by and let it happen. I did not yell or scold him as a child, I just said it as a matter of fact.
My BF is just inconsiderate most of the time. Period. I make less money than him but pay 3/4 of the bills. I cook, I clean, I buy groceries. Why?? I don't know. But now I've become his maid as well and all for what, so I can get screamed at if I dare say something about the clothes on the floor or some other thing. I do not think his mother knows how things are financially, and she thinks he is doing everything for me. When the reality is that I am supporting him because of his past financial problems (that were before me). It is just very hard to listen about how wonderful he is when his share of the expenses are a month late and I am left with ALL the bills. Like I said, I only slip now and then and it is not intentional. As for now I have sent him to stay elsewhere. Whether we stay together is something I need to think seriously about. I am not spending my final years being a mother to him. And sorry but I disagree with you ladies, a parent is always a parent. No I am not going to tell my son he needs to drink more milk, but I will certainly say something if he were to drink and drive or anything else where he might hurt someone else in any way. Maybe someone should listen to the DIL complaints (as mentioned in responses). It could be a cry for help. Looking at your sons through rose colored glasses will not be helpful to either son or DIL. Just sayin'.  ;)
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: kate123 on October 04, 2017, 07:22:39 pm
to Still Learning: no, I am no great MIL. I do not even know whether my DIL even likes me. In fact I rarely see any of them with their busy lives and such. But I would like my son to be respectful of women, my DIL and myself included. I never ask about their relationship and he never speaks of it one way or the other, it is personal and between them. But if I am faced with seeing something, I will speak up with advice. Now if she did something to him in front of me I would probably be less inclined to say something because she is not my daughter. But I have never seen my DIL be disrespectful or mean to my son (thank goodness). When my son brings up anything private, like something about her parents, I do try my best to give an answer or advice that I would give anyone with the same problem, and try not to say anything that might later come back on me for causing a problem. Yes there are things I see that I may not agree with in their lives. And if my DIL asked for my advice, or complains about something, I would talk to my son about it if I see that he is in the wrong. Sometimes the AC do need some help, and they can benefit from our experience rather than fuddle through making the same mistakes of past generations and taking years to learn, IMO. Thanks all for listening and allowing me to vent a bit here.
Title: Re: MIL's support is bothering me
Post by: luise.volta on October 04, 2017, 09:36:03 pm
K, I think we have all pretty much had our say here and if venting helped that's a good thing from my point of view. However, 'taking what you want and leaving the rest' is the way we have stayed out of becoming defensive and having it lead to a debate. I think it's time to close this thread and move on. If you disagree then there are Websites that aren't monitored where debate is supported. Here's hoping things get better for you.