Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: gettingoldandcranky on June 19, 2017, 03:57:25 AM

Title: Father's Day
Post by: gettingoldandcranky on June 19, 2017, 03:57:25 AM
The day passed by with no call from our eldest son.  i know he has his family and his life is busy.  but he doesn't think that every day when his dad comes home from work he asks if i've heard from his son.  every single day.
we get a call when they need help.  we call - no call back.  we email - no response.   each day is hard, but the holidays are hardest.
son says he loves us.  i see my husbands pain and i sympathize.
so very sad.
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: luise.volta on June 19, 2017, 09:11:41 AM
How sad, G. Most of us here know what that feels like. We grew up in another era...parents weren't a means to an end, they mattered.
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: Justbreathe on June 20, 2017, 03:44:35 AM
How sad, G. Most of us here know what that feels like. We grew up in another era...parents weren't a means to an end, they mattered.

Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: malfoyfan on June 21, 2017, 02:43:00 PM
I'm new to this site but reading through the older posts gives me comfort and hope that someday I will get better at coping with the problems I'm currently having with my son and DIL.

Regarding Father's Day, and other holidays/birthdays, my DH and I (in our 60s) have often remarked on how we always made sure our parents got cards, gifts, a dinner or lunch if possible, on special days.  If we weren't able to be with them, a phone call plus sending a card/gift.  The people in our son's generation just don't seem to value their parents in the same way.  Although we thought we raised our son to be thoughtful, he isn't, and his wife used to pick up the slack, but she's currently angry with us over some issues with her FOO and so leaves it up to him. 

I often think about why the younger generation doesn't view their parents as important the way we did.  I've heard a number of explanations for it, but none of them quite hit it for me.  It's sad.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here among ladies who have been through what DH and I are coping with and I hope to gain some wisdom from you all.
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: luise.volta on June 21, 2017, 08:12:43 PM
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit, we are a monitored Website.

You are facing what has brought many of us here. Trying to understand it can be a tough assignment and trying to live with it even harder. We are here to support each other through the maze of feelings and attempted solutions that come with the issues experienced. Thank you for joining us, reading some of our posts and contributing. Hugs to you from all of us.
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: Pen on June 21, 2017, 08:59:41 PM
M, welcome to the site.

I have a old note from my DD pinned to my fridge - "I love my Mom!" with a big heart drawn. It reminds me that once upon a time I was "worthy." Still am! And so are you and DH!
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: malfoyfan on June 21, 2017, 10:19:46 PM
Hi Pen, yes, I know what you mean.  I keep saying to DH that I miss our son, but what I mean is I miss him when he was about 12 and he still looked up to us and cared about us.  Now...it's hard to say what he feels because he is influenced by his wife.  Very difficult!  Never expected to go through this, but glad there are others to share it with.
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: kate123 on July 16, 2017, 08:14:13 AM
Remember the saying " A son is yours till he takes a wife, a daughter is your for the rest of your life". Seems to be true for many, and it is an old saying so I suppose this has always been a problem in families. Never understood why women are so competitive, and when they fight the relationship ends, while men can fight and remain buddies.
While the saying is not so true with me, my daughter is estranged. My relationship with my son, though not estranged, is not great and I do feel it has to do with my DIL. I give up trying to rationalize any of it and just live my life with the freedom they have given me.
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: luise.volta on July 16, 2017, 08:51:04 AM
Yes, K., it seems like where we take back our power is when we choose to move past our very simple, garden-variety expectations and turn toward having a good life anyhow. For those of us with sons only, like me, it's probably the luck of the draw. My youngest is our trusty Webmaster and there would be no WWU without his expertise, fidelity and loving interest in our well being. His elder brought thought I was the devil incarnate. Huh?
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: kate123 on July 16, 2017, 09:20:33 AM
I get THAT Louise. My kids are from two very different test tubes (not really, LOL). But if you listen to each of their stories you would not know they lived in the same house and grew up together with the same mother. Go figure!?
I always like what Lauren Hutton said, "I would not go back to 20 unless I could take my fifty year brain". Maybe if I was smarter I would have done better, but I don't want any do over's!

Live, Learn, then realize you will never understand anything. 
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: malfoyfan on July 16, 2017, 12:30:22 PM
I keep thinking "I must have done something wrong in raising him" but my husband says, no, we didn't!  He's choosing to be influenced by his wife and there's nothing we can do.  I'm trying to get past it but then I make the mistake of going on Facebook and seeing all the photos my DIL posts of the baby with her family, and all the negative feelings come flooding back.  I'm tired of feeling so angry and resentful. 
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: luise.volta on July 16, 2017, 12:48:24 PM
That's a very important step, M., to get royally sick of it! You have other choices once you get that far!  Hugs...
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: kate123 on July 16, 2017, 04:40:56 PM
Hello Malfoyfan, please don't torture yourself by looking at facebook. I know it is hard, and it is almost an addiction and you will have withdrawals. And remember, what you see are pictures. Things are not always what they seem in pictures.

MORE than likely, you or your husband did nothing wrong. You are just victims of this generation gap. Forget them, live your life, be happy, spend your money!  ;)
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: malfoyfan on July 16, 2017, 05:23:07 PM
Kate, you're right.  I know there are always other things behind what I see on FB.  I just wish I could learn to look at the photos and not have that rush of negative emotions.  Hopefully I'll get there some day.  I started reading one of Eckhart Tolles' books and it's helping me see things differently.

I also agree with you about the generation gap; how the 20-somethings treat their parents is radically different from how we treated ours, and the gap seems to be widening as time goes by.  Kind of sad. 
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: kate123 on July 16, 2017, 06:23:30 PM
Mal, after many years I still cannot look at any pictures and not feel negative emotions. How can we not feel hurt that none of those pictures include us, or have anything to do with us. Better not to look at all. I have tried to opt out of FB, but then other sites link you back in "for security" or some nonsense. So I have it, but very rarely use it. It is such a childish thing anyway, a bunch of people just portraying an image of a life that they what you to believe exists. Like what children do at a certain age in order to be accepted by their peers.
And the generation gap, there was a time when we took wisdom from our parents. It is the teachings from one generation to the next that has aided humans in moving forward. I think of it as being given two choices to learn, one by trial and error (which could take years), the other by learning from someone who has already done the trials and errors and found the solution. How stupid would you be to make the first choice? That is how stupid this generation is being. Every little bit of advice and experience we can give them, is less they have to figure out on their own. But they think they do not need that, they think they can learn it all on their own, with their computer or whatever. Some things are not out there in computer land. I was talking with someone the other day about recipes that used to be handed down in families. In recent times grandmothers have been taking the recipes to their grave because no on ever bothered to ask for them. It is the same with many other things as well, the old ways of carpentry, house and barn building, family stories...and BOOKS.. all disappearing information. Very sad to see and I wonder if there will be any regrets. Probably not.
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: malfoyfan on July 16, 2017, 10:26:00 PM
I agree...a lot is being lost.  Lately I look around my house (which was my parents' house) and think, what is my son going to do with all these things when I'm gone?  Will they just end up in a landfill?  All my books, pictures, decorative items, things I made, things that belonged to my mother and grandmother?   Recently I was tempted to buy an item at an art gallery and I didn't, because all I could think of was someone throwing it out some day.  My husband said, that's a really bad way to think about it.  Yes, but it's also realistic, given the way the younger generation is used to just throwing things out.  I treasure my grandmother's photo albums from the 1920s, her books she loved, beautiful lace handkerchiefs her sisters made. 
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: Marina on July 17, 2017, 03:47:52 PM
I don't think it's unusual at all for people in their 20s, 30s and even 40s to be so busy with their careers and childrearing that they don't even think about or value the family history and heirlooms.  By the time they begin to have an interest, it may be too late to get that info from the older generation.  Programs like "Who Do You Think You Are?" show that family history can be lost within a generation or two. 

I was the only one in my extended family to have an interest in family history and to treasure old things such as furniture, cars, etc.  If you can write down your family history and label family photographs, it may be cherished by a family member down the line.   
Title: Re: Father's Day
Post by: malfoyfan on July 17, 2017, 05:36:47 PM
I was always interested in my family's history, documents, and artifacts, from an early age.  I'm planning to ask my niece, who was very close to my mother, if she would be interested in helping me make sure we keep our family's treasures safe.