So while I do not have a good relationship with my MIL I'm trying to make sure my DH and children get time with her( she will rarely visit and we can't go to her house due to my son's horrible allergies). So I hosted Easter with all the grandparents so no one felt left out. She still rarely calls my DH or talks to her grandchildren but is upset that my children are close to their other sets of grandparents (my parents are divorced and have SO). It hurts my husband so much.
So now I'm trying to plan a mother's day day for her. A fun day between my DH and her to hopefully encourage her to be more involved with our family. She wants a day just her and my Husband so my question is what would your perfect day with your child look like? I'm thinking of doing a paint night thing but don't know what else. Also should I still buy a gift.
My take is what would their perfect day look like to them? They may not want even a perfect day. They may have unresolved issues they aren't ready to address...or just one of them may. It doesn't seem to me that another person can orchestrate that...no matter how loving the intention. But then, that's just me. Hugs...
Star, your heart's desire for DH and MIL to be together is admirable!
Seemingly, your ambition here is in minority ... some DILs don't care one way or the other.
I agree with Luise, though. It needs to be initiated by the two of them.
If my DIL arranged a Mother's Day event for me on behalf of my AS, it would not be meaningful.
At all. I would probably resent it since it would be from her heart -- not his.
Sometimes all we can do is wait and watch as others journey through life, making those decisions contrary to ours. That's my view.
SF: I agree with the previous comments. You have a kind and generous heart to try and help your DH and MIL to have a better relationship, but I would hope DH and MIL would communicate with each other about what they want and not put you in the middle. Maybe a whole day together is too much if they have unresolved issues?
I learned a long time ago to express what I need and want so my friends and family don't have to mind-read. It doesn't mean I necessarily get what I ask for, but hopefully it's a place to start talking. If one person is usually unwilling to negotiate, I would start looking at it as a one-sided relationship.
I agree with what has been said. But, you can still "plant" an idea in your husband's head - suggest he invite his mother to lunch (or even coffee) and then - it is his call. Just a suggestion ....
I agree with Jdtm.
Some men need help in the gift-giving area -- as in, a fish out of water, ha!
Yes, they "should" be able to handle getting a gift, but just not intuitive or creative about it.
I would put the idea in his head, if necessary, and even offer to pick up something while you're out. Then, just leave the ball in his court ...
I raised a son and it's true, he could be quite clueless about what to give or how to make an occasion special. So I learned to diplomatically remind and request. A mushy card (DS could write in a lovely and loving way) for Mother's Day was something I asked for, and flowers and food are always good ;) but not required. Most important was spending time together.
People are right, you can put this together. Your hubby has to make the plans, but do agree you can plant a bug. It could go like this, you know honey, I bet that your mom would love to spend some one on one time with you on Mothers Day, what does she like to do for fun? The best gift he could give her is time, people are quick on gifts, but time is free and is the best gift.
The funny part with my DH and Deceased MIL the perfect day for her was when she could cook him dinner and it was just the two of them. We figured this out when we moved her closer to all us kids and I started going to bingo on Monday nights with mom, and DH stopped by his moms house because he got off early. She was thrilled and cooked him dinner. Then it started happening she would make up excuses to have him come on Mondays. He finally told her to stop the excuses and he would love to come on a visit on Monday nights on the exception on the Last Monday of the month he gets to take her out to a place of his choosing. She was thrilled and it lasted for about a year then she got sick and passed. He has some very fond memories of their date night. But it took many years for them to get there, the first 25 years of marriage he would of never done something like that. Only until he got older and understood about the things that happen were in the past and the future was brand new did it happen. It was to bad his siblings only visited her a couple of times in the year she lived near and that was when they needed something from her.
That one resonated with me, TH. My son and DIL live an hour away. Every other weekend one of them comes to visit. On holidays they both come but what we all seem to enjoy is the focus and attention of one-on-one conversations...where we move beyond the dynamics of polite superficiality to sharing what's really going on with us. It's a preference with all three of us.
Starfire, good for you! Perhaps at some point you can establish a relationship with your MIL, if you both want it. In the meantime I applaud you for not keeping your DH away from his mom. I agree that you may need to nudge him along but they need to plan their time together.
The last time DS and I spent any time alone together I had no clue it would be the last time for many years! I would have appreciated it so much more. I'd love to have a day. I'm up for just about anything as long as we can be comfortable with each other again. Not likely to happen w/o therapy, sadly, but you never know.
Like your MIL, I rarely call and have never dropped in. I vowed to not be "that" MIL when they married nearly a decade ago although I would love to be in closer contact. Maybe your MIL is hesitant to seem like a "buttinsky" MIL?
Now in hindsight I'm thinking I should have just gone for it. I certainly couldn't be much worse off than I am now, lol!