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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Siggy on October 28, 2016, 10:41:21 am

Title: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Siggy on October 28, 2016, 10:41:21 am
Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law. I feel sorry for her because all I have ever done is want to help her and my son.   I have never interfered in their lives.  Could be the difference in their backgrounds is causing them tension and when I visit she sees me as his ally.
Anyway...she has to order the household around, including him or prepare for a vicious verbal attack....
I learned long ago to keep my mouth shut around her...not for her...but for my son because her outbursts really bother him. 
Guess I just was driven over the edge when my grand daughter let slip things that DIL had said to her about me.
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: luise.volta on October 28, 2016, 11:04:04 am
Welcome, S. I modified your post a little to bring the title into the message. I have a standard greeting where I ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Also, please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

My experience with my eldest son was that I 'cluttered things up with logic'. I saw so often how they complicated their lives, and life is complicated enough. And yes, it's the last thing they wanted to hear from me. It didn't take long to learn that.

What I tripped over most were my expectations; to be respected and included in their lives. Oops! Turning toward those that made sense and thought I did, too, including my younger son, was my salvation. Wonderful validation that I was OK because I honestly started to think I wasn't. Hang in there and hugs!
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Pen on October 29, 2016, 06:55:00 pm
Siggy, welcome to the site. You've read enough to know you're not alone, I'm sure. The support here has helped me get through some very tough times. I still slip back into my old thinking sometimes, especially when other life events have me stressed and then an issue arises with DS/DIL/DIL's FOO. It's easy to fall into trying to figure it all out logically, or to blame myself, or to feel sorry for myself, etc. etc. Luckily I have good friends, this site, and a supportive DH. If DIL can't (or won't) see my worth, there are many others who do, including me!
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Mtnlady on October 31, 2016, 11:09:41 am
Welcome, S, to this wonderful site. I am new, as well. Yes, our DIL's are very insecure people.  I will never understand how my son can go along with the game playing and the cruelty. I know "in real life" when I've come across narcissistic/ borderline individuals, they cease to stay in my life. So my experience is limited to dil. Their jealousy results in such cruelty. Wish us all luck as we go though the stages of grief until we reach lasting acceptance.
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Siggy on November 03, 2016, 08:52:41 am
Thanks for your comments.
When young I read that you want to marry a man who is good to his mother because that man will also be good to his wife.  Maybe maturity is needed for the DIL to realize that fact.  I have been in the middle of this disappointing relationship too long to think it will be turned around. 
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: luise.volta on November 03, 2016, 09:09:57 am
S., I modified your post by removing the last sentence. We make no comments here reflecting our religious beliefs. We have every possible belief and lack thereof on WWU and respect all by mentioning none.
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: gettingoldandcranky on November 07, 2016, 08:13:20 am
welcome!  have the same issues here with dil.  what bothered me also was when you said granddaughter said something.  my fear is that the grands hear or feel the dislike from dil and pick up on that with their relationship with us.  no need for the jealousy and it does impact what should be a loving relationship with all - grands, son and wife.  so sad
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Marina on November 07, 2016, 06:30:47 pm
Siggy, I believe my DIL also has a jealousy problem that has undermined what used to be a close and loving relationship I had with my DS.  Now her jealousy seems to extend to my relationship with my GC.  DIL seems very immature, though in her 30s and quite smart.  My DIL is not overt in her manner but very manipulative and passive aggressive.  As I learned about personality disorders, the crazy, hurtful stuff I was dealing with started to make sense and I was better able to protect myself.  I think my DIL is likely a malignant narcissist, possibly sociopath?  (She is C.O.L.D.)  Once I learned DIL was telling lies about what I had said and done, I decided it was not safe to be alone with her.  Over the years I've gone through a lot of emotional minefields with DIL and DS, and I am no longer willing to put effort into trying to keep some remnant of a relationship with DS and GC.  It's too much.  DS is no longer the caring son I knew, and I'm still working on accepting this situation.
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: luise.volta on November 07, 2016, 06:53:36 pm
Since this is Marina's first post, this is for her. Sorry to interrupt.

Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website. Thanks.
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Pen on November 08, 2016, 09:55:20 am
M, welcome to the site! I'm sorry you are dealing with this and very glad you found us. It's heartbreaking, but you're not alone, as you have probably found out by reading old posts. Mine go waaaay back, lol.

Acceptance is difficult, I'm still working on that myself in a couple of different areas regarding DS/DIL. My feeling is that even when I learn to accept "that which I cannot change" I may still have times of sadness and grief, and that's ok. I give myself permission to grieve when I need to grieve and to move on from that when I need to have joy in my life. It won't mean I don't care about DS/DIL/potentialGC anymore, just that I care about myself, too.

Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Marina on November 08, 2016, 01:39:48 pm
Thank you, Pen.  I have read enough of your old posts to understand your apprehensions about potential GC and how the situation will be handled by your DS/DIL.  Although my DS seemed very sincere in making sure I would have regular contact with my GC, DIL very quickly sabotaged it by creating drama out of a benign comment I made.  She made herself out the victim, set me straight (!), and embellished it with lies and mean spirited remarks.  This was truly fabricated out of nothing, but it was set up as an opportunity for DIL to hurt me.  It was a new low for her and quite bold.  I guess she felt quite powerful.  It was abusive, I explained that to DS, and I decided I had reached my limit and cut contact with them.  I was done being DIL's little circus animal, with my dangling GC as a reward.  (I didn't say it like that to DS.)       

Where was my DS in this?  He was back at square one, as if the incident never happened, as if clueless, why didn't I want to see GC?  I guess that is how DS has learned to operate.  I really don't want to get caught up in their bent reality.   
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Marina on November 09, 2016, 02:07:54 pm
I re-read my posts, and I think I sound like I have a lot of resolve.  In reality, I'm feeling a little weak kneed, mainly because my GC is being dangled before me again.  I went no contact with DIL/DS for good reason, and nothing has changed.  And yet I am questioning myself again and feeling confused. 

I think the reason must be because DS is not acknowledging the situation and my feelings (problem?  problem?  what problem?), as if I never gave him my reasons for the cut-off.  I think the correct term for this is being gaslighted.  It really messes with your mind and makes you question the reality of a situation.  I guess that's why validation is important--as well as staying away from people who gaslight.  I feel a little better realizing this.

If I don't stand my ground at this point, I will be in for a whole lot of grief and I can't afford that right now.  It's important that I take care of myself. 
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2016, 02:17:29 pm
There are posts on our site that identify the lack of clarity and loyalty in our grown sons...it is about having a sexual partner.  A very powerful draw. We look for logic. Guess again...
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Marina on November 09, 2016, 02:28:32 pm
Thank you, Luise, for this website and all your hard work.  I appreciate all the hard-won insight and wisdom here. 
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2016, 07:26:09 pm
You're welcome. There are many deep healings that have occurred here through sharing, kindness and understanding. Hugs...
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: muminlaw on November 16, 2016, 12:57:07 am
Quote from: Siggy on November 03, 2016, 08:52:41 am
Thanks for your comments.
When young I read that you want to marry a man who is good to his mother because that man will also be good to his wife.  Maybe maturity is needed for the DIL to realize that fact.  I have been in the middle of this disappointing relationship too long to think it will be turned around.
Hi Siggy, I always thought this too. It is a positive sign if a son loves him mother and is good and caring to her. But in my case DIL is jealous of his love for me...very difficult.
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: Pen on November 17, 2016, 12:39:24 am
It is very difficult, and not a situation any of us thought we'd be in so we didn't prepare for it. What would we have taught our young sons if we'd known? How might we have become women who are treated with respect and consideration? It never crossed my mind to be proactive in these areas. I thought if I was a good person and a loving mother it would all come naturally.

We must learn to take care of ourselves. I think maybe some of our DDs and DILs are on the forefront of change, and it looks selfish and narcissistic to us because they feel they have to swing the pendulum so far out and away from our way of doing motherhood (sacrificing our lives for our kids, spouses, jobs, homes.) My DIL definitely takes care of herself and expects DS to do his fair share.

Although I'm a child of the women's lib movement, I still fell into a similar rut as my '50s era mom, with a couple of adjustments for the times. My DH also had a fairly classic '50's upbringing, so he fell into it, too. DIL may want to be as far away from that as she can get, literally! Can't say I blame her, really.


Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: BlueLotus on December 27, 2016, 09:42:00 am
 I'm sorry you have an insecure, jealous Dil. I wish we could all just be supportive an encouraging and enjoy time we have together. My dh bends over backwards for his mother. She feels the need to tell us where and how to live. Lots of pressure from her always and if we don't go along with her wants and needs, then I'm just "threatened" and "insecure". I have tried to be kind and close, will will continue but her definition of close is being in the driver's seat controlling us. I know some Dill are truly evil, I'm trying to figure out how to have a good, autonomous marriage and relationship with her.
Title: Re: Only jealousy can explain my daughter in law....
Post by: luise.volta on December 27, 2016, 09:47:47 am
To me, it seems like we are often looking at deep, unresolved issues in another. Blending families and understanding and supporting relationships that affect us personally is a huge order. Your willingness, L. to have you MIL be how she is when she offers you no such respect in return touches my heart.