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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: lancaster lady on March 27, 2016, 03:45:39 am

Title: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on March 27, 2016, 03:45:39 am
Hello everyone ,
Long time no see .
I'm here once again to talk to old friends to gain some self respect once
again .
Those of you who know my story will say oh no , thought you had a happy
Ending , but that leopard didn't change it's spots !
Still no holidays shared with GC , still no Easter egg hunt , no Christmas
morning , no Happy Birthday cakes .
Always , always , bottom of the list for family holidays .
Part of me says no more , but that would be me cutting myself off
from my GC .It's hurtful still , hard to be that happy GM no matter
what .
Just having a bit of a moan to understanding ladies , whilst my
GC enjoy their Easter with other GP again !
Hoping your Easter is happier ......🐦
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Stilllearning on March 27, 2016, 09:53:28 am
LL you cannot change how they treat you.  You can only change how you treat yourself.  My GC are not with me today either, the only difference is that I don't feel left out.  Why?  Because I decided that my life is too short to spend days hurting over things that I cannot change so every time I think about that situation I willfully change my thoughts to something I enjoy thinking about.  It takes practice and I still fall down sometimes but I no longer dwell in the abyss of emotion I used to inhabit.  Now that you have had your "little moan" and gotten that off of your chest maybe you could go have a wonderful Easter!  It is raining here so no Easter eggs hunts for anybody!!

Hugs!

Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on March 27, 2016, 11:03:04 am
Welcome home, dear friend. We all have to decide for ourselves. I chose not to be a roll model for abuse but that didn't give my grandchildren anything positive. I had to leave that up to my son and his wife and they did a great job. Credit has to go where credit is due. My decision was that I matter. I think yours may be the same. How that translates into daily life is different because we are. And none of us has all good days...each fork in the road has lessons for us. Sending love...
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on March 27, 2016, 12:17:42 pm
Many thanks for your kind words .
It's that horrible word expectations !
No expectations , no disappointment .
I think I will ban holidays as that's the only time I have expectations .  I decided to escape to my art world and spent three hours painting. It worked . The day has passed and I survived .
So lovely to hear from you again Luise , I've missed you and your words of wisdom . I won't leave it so long next time .
Sending hugs .
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on March 27, 2016, 02:46:54 pm
There's a plan! One step further might be to plan something really special in advance of each holiday and then have a great time! Hugs...
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Green Thumb on March 28, 2016, 06:06:07 pm
I think its our expectations and hope that get us into sadness. We want something and it doesn't happen and we get upset. Its human nature. I was reading in one of my textbooks about how women are socialized to be the glue of their family, keeping everyone together, doing all the work, etc. That made me realize how some of our expectations are probably cause we think we ought to do something or be something and then it doesn't happen. I got invited last minute to Easter luncheon but it meant traveling and staying in a hotel cause the daughter doesn't invite us to stay with her. We didn't go. Made up a good excuse and we spent the weekend cleaning up our current home cause we put an offer into another home. Kept my mind off the holiday.
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on March 28, 2016, 06:08:37 pm
Good for you! Hope you get the new place! :D
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Pen on April 01, 2016, 12:02:44 pm
LL, it's good to hear from you again, but I'm sorry things aren't better w/DIL & DS. Holidays are difficult because there are so many reminders that are difficult to dodge. I'm glad you're painting, feeding your soul. Love you  :)
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on April 01, 2016, 12:05:14 pm
Are you still baking those wonderful clotted cream scones?  :D
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on April 01, 2016, 01:16:04 pm
I am at the moment Luise .
However we are planning to retire this year and planning to sell up .
More time to travel and fulfil some dreams .
Thankyou Pen lovely to hear from you ,  I have accepted how things are and will be . Just every now and again things stick in my gut and make me both angry and sad .
I feel once I retire I will make plans to travel , if they occur around holiday times sobeit !
Love to all , sending hugs .
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Pooh on June 03, 2016, 12:31:44 pm
Uuuuhhhhh CLOTTED CREAM!  There you two go again...making me gag and grimace!

LL...my Sister from another Mister...you do you.

That's right.  You do YOU!  It doesn't matter what the rest of us did or didn't do, I know how important those GC are to you.  Sooo...now that you are almost retired, plan to travel on the holidays!  You can go see all the wonderful things offered at holidays and don't have to worry about who's spending holidays with whom.  Make yourself unavailable at holidays!

P.S.  I would love to see your paintings someday!
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on June 03, 2016, 01:02:31 pm
Hi Pooh Bear
So lovely to hear from you again and I HEAR you loud and clear .
I will never be allowed to have full access to my gc , I know that but it still hurts .My DIL has major issues which I don't want to add to , so I smile and move on .
When I think I'm good enough I'll post a painting on here for you  ..😊
Hope you're healthy and happy Pooh .
Sending bear hugs xx
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on June 19, 2016, 01:59:38 pm
I hate to harp on about this but we are now being offered time to see our GC .
After their family get together for lunch we could possibly see them before bedtime . Or after school for an hour .
As next weekend we are away with the family .
I for some silly reason thought I was family , oh yes I forgot the wrong family
Finding it hard not to say what I feel .
Feeling like the poor souls with a begging bowl just to see my GC .
Need to cloak up my heart again , we get let in , then have the door slammed once again .
Why ? I'll never know that answer .
:(
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on June 19, 2016, 02:35:45 pm
Oh, honey. Always your choice to determine how much abuse you will accept. And how much you want your grandchildren to witness and ponder. It's such a touch call...to be a role model for negative lessons. They are going to learn that abuse is OK. Sending love...
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Pen on June 19, 2016, 04:28:46 pm
LL, (((hugs))) to you. What a spot to be in. Please take care of yourself, you deserve the best (as do we all.)

This weekend was Father's Day in the States...another opportunity to feel unequal, underappreciated, passed over if we choose to look at it that way. My DH handles it better than I do, at least outwardly. I woke up this morning feeling like the fight was finally out of me, I was resigned to it. Permission granted to feel the sadness, then on with my day!

We don't have GC yet so maybe I'll turn into raging GM ("What do we want?" "Equality!" "When do we want it?" "Now!") when the time comes, but more than likely we'll take what we can get. I just hope that we aren't teaching a negative lesson, as Luise says. If it feels like abuse I hope we have the sense to stop it.

Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on June 20, 2016, 12:28:19 am
Thankyou ladies for your support .
You would think I would know better after all these years .The thing is they think it's perfectly acceptable, they are offering us time to see the GC   . Just so long as it fits in with everything else . Now if that was a busy working schedule I would agree , however the time allotted is what's left after everyone else has had theirs . .
The crumbs .
Backing off again and again and again . They win again .
Doesn't give them the problem of having to think of excuses not to see us .Whatever .
If people want to see you , they make the time . Ok , point taken .
Love to you ladies , always there when I need you XX
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on June 20, 2016, 07:07:07 am
Beloved Friend. The problem never (or hardly ever) goes away...but we do. We choose otherwise knowing that others can't really choose for us. And what we choose is self-respect. We matter. And we choose to turn toward supportive, reciprocal, loving relationships...since we know we are more than deserving. Sending hugs...
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Green Thumb on June 20, 2016, 07:51:55 am
Lancaster Lady, I am sorry you are being scheduled in like this. My first thought was how awful, my second was how typical this is in today's young families. They are often so busy, parents working, kids taking sports and classes after school and on weekends, just scheduled to the hilt. Very little down time, even on weekends.  I might suggest you try the schedule thing. See if you can get it regular time and in a way that makes life easier for the DIL. Bring a meal over, etc. Play with the kids in their bedroom so she has space and time for herself. Bring over a craft project, coloring or painting or lego kit or something special to do with GC. In other words, you want the DIL to see you as help not a problem. If she's got a negative attitude this may not work, but at least you tried. Selfish people want things in their favor and to have it all about themselves so try to make a visit something that she feels is beneficial. Put seeing your GC higher priority than your feelings of being ostracized how how negative she treats you. Start slow and see how it goes, without expecting or being attached to an outcome. Conversely, if you just can't do this, then let it all go. You have some power here, although its all in your thinking, attitude, etc.

And lastly, today's young people do what they want, they see no reason to do things that are "too much work" or not pleasant. Older generations were trained to do their duty, to earn a parent's love, whereas younger generations have not been trained to do their own thing and feel the parent(s) need to earn the children's love and devotion. There was a lot of dysfunctional enmeshment and unhappiness in these older generations with their parents but it feels yucky to know one's adult children do not choose to have you in their lives. The "if it feels good, do it" generation has come full circle and our kids often don't feel like seeing us "feels good". Sigh. I don't have GC yet, but I expect to be scheduled and begging to visit and ignored. I am working on staying strong and busy and detaching from the hurt. Life is never easy and it usually turns out different than we hoped, wanted, or dreamed about. 
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on June 20, 2016, 09:38:20 am
Hi green thumb

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post .
This problem goes back years I'm afraid and is quite complex .However at this present time , the problem is time .
All the spare time is allocated to my DILS foo . They spend every holiday , birthday , anniversary weekend together .
Not leaving much time for this side of the family ..
I am that hands on GM , I'm an artist who would spend every waking hour with my GC . I've just made fairy lanterns for my GD . A  woodland mobile for my GS . ETC .
To get the full picture you would have to read all my history on WWU , too long and boring probably .
Nope , my DIL doesn't like anyone but her own family getting close to her kids .
Mine and her loss , not to mention those kids .
Backing off at the moment , will see what lies ahead .
I'll be in touch WW .

Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on June 20, 2016, 10:26:37 am
We'll be here. Wishing you the best!
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Green Thumb on June 20, 2016, 01:45:25 pm
LL, I understand how upsetting this is and why you feel the way you do, I am also the non-favorite in law or out law. I guess what I am saying is we can churn it inside our heads and hearts and grieve ourselves to death or we can accept it for how it is and detach from the emotions. All we can do is change our own attitudes and thinking, we can't change the other people. I do understand how you feel and what you want, am in a similar boat (but no GC yet, but it will likely be as you experience). What I see in you is a woman who has a lot of love and who could make the life of a child very happy. If your own GC is denied, and this is truly unfair to both of you, perhaps think about doing this for a non-blood relative like volunteering at a shelter or low income preschool to do arts and crafts with those kids. You would get a lot of love and be such a blessing, for sure!
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Pen on June 20, 2016, 05:02:19 pm
Sometimes we just need to share our frustration/sorrow with people who understand. The unfairness gets to me, too.  :(

But we've got to keep moving forward and stay out of the downward spiral! I want a fulfilling, joyous life in spite of my situation.

Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on June 20, 2016, 11:52:23 pm
Hi Pen

You're so right . That's why I check in with you guys because I often think it's me that's in the wrong expecting the impossible. .
To share with those experiencing the same behaviour lets me know it's not normal to be given crumbs while others eat cake.
After all these years of being hungry I'm now used to not getting the icing . Moving on again until I'm summoned .
I have lots more friends who serve up large slices of cake .
Till next time ladies XX
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Pooh on July 11, 2016, 11:24:56 am
Love Ya LL!  I'll be waiting patiently to see pics of those paintings someday :)
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: lancaster lady on September 03, 2016, 02:17:41 am
Hello ladies !

Latest update .
My GS birthday is next week and knowing how everyone works these days
I thought I'd keep both Sundays free either side  thinking the celebration would be on one .
Turns out it's on a Tuesday !
Whole thing is laughable , apparently the other family members can't make weekends . Oh well another birthday missed .
What I didn't mention was we are going on a road trip in our new motorhome the same week , the tides are turning guys , for the better .
Old dog , new tricks .....lol .
Till next time , love you ?
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2016, 07:47:25 am
From this 'Old Dog', who is learning new tricks on the threshold 90, I am wishing you Happy Trails! When I married my Val, we were ages 62 and 78 respectively. The first thing we did was downsize and buy a motorhome...then off we went. We stayed at one spot right on the ocean for 18 months!! We had a home base but it was a park model trailer in a lovely, gated park so we didn't have to worry about it. For years, we wandered. It was heavenly! Hugs!
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Pen on September 04, 2016, 03:49:22 pm
Hi LL :)

Ya gotta laugh, right? Congratulations on the motorhome, hope you have a great time!
Title: Re: no change after 6 years
Post by: Pooh on September 12, 2016, 07:40:32 am
I'm jealous!  I want an RV!  Have a great time LL and yes, we can learn new tricks.