WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Kjg1960 on August 23, 2015, 08:04:53 pm

Title: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Kjg1960 on August 23, 2015, 08:04:53 pm
I'm new to this but need to vent and get advice from those who have been in my position.  Our son has been married for 4+ years to a very sweet girl.  They are very compatible in all areas (religious beliefs, musical).  When they married our DIL had graduated from college but our son was still attending.  So she brought home the bacon or the majority of it until March of this year when our GD was born.  Our son will graduate from college in December and he has been working part time for 1.5 yrs.  they have been able to pay rent up so our DIL doesn't have to work but 2-3days a month.  We have always paid his college expenses and been there for them if needed but have left them alone because our DIL worked 4-5 nights a week and then our son was working, going to school and doing homework and such during the rest of the time.  We did go out to eat and they would come to the house and to special occasions/holidays.  Long story to get to the issue.  We have always known our DIL was introverted but has always been very sweet.  Our GD was born in March, our first.  We only have one child.  We were so excited, especially me.  I had been buying girl clothes and just couldn't wait for her birth.  I knew that our DIL was going to have her mother in the delivery room with her, which was awesome.  My DILs plan as far as I knew was to call her mother and us when she was close to delivering so everyone would not be at the hospital long.  Well I believe that worked well with her family but we were not called until after our GD was born.  I was crushed.  We did not get to celebrate her being born.  I don't understand.  I don't just fault my DIL for this.  I fault my son and his MIL.  She turned 5 months old in August and we have seen her 7 times sine the weekend she was born.  We live 30 minutes from them.  We have to wait for an invite.  I no longer ask to come to her because that puts our son in the middle.  I am at a loss.  I believe I am a good MIL or would be if given the chance.  And a loving GM.  Sad and waiting.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: luise.volta on August 23, 2015, 08:47:55 pm
Welcome, K. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

I have been where you are. Many of us have. We've had to learn in various ways how to get on with our lives and find joy and peace elsewhere...beyond our biological role. Most of us had simple, normal, reasonable expectations when our children entered adulthood. For me, it was extremely hard to get that they were my expectations and my eldest son and his wife weren't obligated to fulfill them or be judged for not doing so.

As parents, we did out best. Now, our adult children are doing their best. They get to make up the rules, live and learn, follow their own drummers and all of that. We may be included and we may not. It isn't about us. I found no peace, personally, until I accepted that they did not choose to continue a relationship with my husband and me. Their choices and the dynamics of their marriage were none of my business.

Since my son was my business for over two decades, I wanted them to change and it was a long, tough road for me to get that I was the one who needed to do that. I eventually did, and since then my life has expanded in many directions that I have found to be fulfilling...matters that I did get to vote on. Creating this Website is one of them.

Others will respond to you. We have many years of archives that you can read through, as well. None of us have identical circumstances, and none of us have healed in identical ways...but...most of us have moved past how we wanted it to be to how it is...and learned to respect that. I don't think there is one woman here who did it overnight. It usually takes a long time and there are relapses...where some of us have gone into how unfair it is and we deserve better. I sure did. I had to go through some tough spots where I got really attached to my anger and hearbreak and slid into self-pity. In the end, I just wanted my life back, and if it needed to be a different life...that was, for me at least, a whole lot better than no life at all. I'm now in my late 80s. I have a great grand daughter that is 22 years old,,,that I wouldn't know if I met her on the street. That's simply too long to be unhappy, disappointed, living in hope, trying to figure it out and expecting it to change. Sending hugs...
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: jdtm on August 24, 2015, 05:51:17 am
Personally, Kjg, I think you are doing "good" - better than I did when our both of our sons' children were born.  Most of us here who are the mothers of sons have come to realize that we are not the primary grandmother.  We are the "other" grandmother (or as one person here has been designated "not the real grandmother").  Seven times in almost five months - frankly, that is good (not fair, but good).  It seems that you are on the right path even though (in your words) "crushed".  Keep inviting them to holiday functions, offer from time to time to babysit (I found having my husband contact our son worked more favourably) and sometimes (not too often) contact them through the mail (either computer or postal).  And, as Luise said, "expand your life in different directions", include new friends, reconnect with old friends - life can be good again.  By the way, I do not think this situation is anyone's fault - what is the old saying "a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life; a son is a son until he takes a wife".  Really, you are doing well - it's not fair (and it will never be fair) - but you are doing well.  And, congratulations on the birth of your first grandchild.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Stilllearning on August 24, 2015, 08:03:28 am
Actually my experience with my DIL made me reassess the way I had treated my in laws when my DH and I were first married.  I tried to include them in our lives and since my DH was almost completely estranged from his parents I got the credit for bringing him back into the fold.  I talked with my MIL more often than my DH did and when he called her it was usually because I told him to.  Men are taught that to ask for advice is a sign of weakness and I think that that is why they do not call their parents.  Women, on the other hand are taught to ask for help from everyone.  It is a sign of being feminine.  So daughters call their parents and most sons do not, especially the sons who were raised to believe that they could handle life.  In a way the fact that our sons do not need us is a sign that we did a good job but boy do we get the short end of the deal! 

I love my MIL but I did not truly get close to her until after my mother died.  At that point she became the person I looked to for advice, but up until then I called my Mom when I needed help. So in hind sight I see how I did not give equal treatment to my MIL, I was just fortunate enough to have a MIL who was just happy to get any contact from her son that she could.

Now, armed with this information, I can accept the fact that my DIL turns to her mother for everything first and I, like many others on this site, have turned my focus to the things I enjoy doing that do not involve my DS/ DIL/ GC.  My DH is very happy with the change and so am I.  I love seeing my GC but I do not want to raise any more children.  Besides I think that my DH and I will be the "fun grandparents" because this side of the family likes to camp, fish, hike, canoe and such.  My DIL's family like the indoors.  Even the playgrounds she takes my GC to are inside!  Of course they will want to get a little muddy here!  LOL

So my advice to you is the same advice that I got.  Start focusing your thoughts on things that make you happy.  Plan trip for you and your DH.  You had a full life before your DS was born and you can have a full life now.  Enjoy when you get to see your GC but when they are not there plan something fun for you and your DH.  Oh and by the way I only get to see my GC about once every two months.  Sometimes that feels like an imposition.  So much to do....so little time!!!

Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Lillycache on August 24, 2015, 11:33:06 am
Welcome K....  I'm the designated "not the real grandmother"..   That came about when my 4 y/o grandson was trying to tell me about something that happened at my DILs mother's house..  "You know... my REAL Grandma's house" was what he said.  Oh boy... did that hurt.. but I had to step back and realize that this is exactly how a 4 year old would express himself,  especially since he gets to see his mother's mom so much more..   I see my grandkids about 4 or 5 times a year.. and I consider that pretty good.   7 times in 5 months is really great.. 

K....  it's a matter of acceptance as others have said.  Stop focusing on what is fair.. and how things should be.. focus on how things are.   Remember.. our grown children do not have an obligation to meet our expectations.  It takes a lot of time to accept that.   Focus on what you have.. and what things make you happy.  That is all any of us can do.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 24, 2015, 02:05:04 pm
I felt more comfortable with my own mother than my MIL and I think that's natural.  I wanted my own mother's help after my child was born, but she was not able to come due to her mother being very ill at the time.  My inlaws started driving the 7 hour drive to our house the minute they found out I was in labor.  My husband had said it was ok, and they were so excited that I didn't want to deny them.  This was their first grandchild.  I did not have a minute alone with my baby for the first 3 days of his life and I resented it.  I should have spoken up and I didn't. 
My family and my husband's family are very different.  I am an introvert and it takes me awhile to feel comfortable with people, but I usually get there with time.  I never got to a point where I was comfortable with my inlaws, but included them anyway.  I'm not saying they are the sole reason the relationship has always been uncomfortable, as I know my own issues have played a big part in the problem.
I'm not sure, what I am trying to tell you exactly other than, sometimes families are very different.  Daughters usually stay closer to their mothers and sons typically don't stay as close.  Unfortunately this doesn't seem fair to mothers of sons, but it's not personal.  I got to spend more time with my daughter and her children after they were born.  There is a comfort and ease in our relationship, more honesty, more love, etc. than in my relationship with my DIL, but I think that's natural.  My DIL is naturally closer to her own mother.   It doesn't mean I can't have a good relationship with her and I'm willing to take what is offered and respect their space.  I think the more one tries to push the worse things could be, so I think you are wise not to do that.  I have been lucky that our DIL is receptive to letting me spend time with their kids, though, and I have them both once a week for the day.  It saves them a day of daycare costs so it is a win-win.  She and my son spend some time with us when they have time.  I do feel bad for the MILs here who have been denied a relationship with their grandkids.  That is certainly hurtful and unfair.
By the way your DIL does sound like a good person.  I hope with time she becomes more comfortable with you and that you can spend more time with your grandchild.  Perhaps as the baby gets older you could offer to watch her so your DIL can do some of the things she would like to do.  Or offer to watch her for a weekend so that they can have some time together as a couple. 
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Lillycache on August 24, 2015, 02:10:23 pm
I think what you are not understanding is the K was denied the same experience of being there for the birth that the DILs mother was..   Normal or not... Natural or not... It hurts..  We mothers of boys expect to have the same experiences in becoming a grandmother that mothers of girls have...  9 times out of 10 we are not allowed to.. It hurts... it's NOT fair... but we have to learn to live with that and accept what we are given..  AND that is very hard..
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 24, 2015, 03:05:32 pm
I do understand that it hurts.  I didn't mean to give the impression that I didn't understand that.  I was just trying to suggest that it might not hurt as much if you don't take it personally.  It's my opinion that childbirth is mostly about the mother and what she needs.  It is about her.  But it's not fair to cut the MIL out of the children's lives just because you don't like her or don't feel comfortable, unless of course there is a concern for the child's wellbeing. It doesn't sound like any of the MILs here have been cut out because of concern of the child's wellbeing and I understand that is not fair. 
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Lillycache on August 24, 2015, 03:43:56 pm
Quote from: confusedbyinlaws on August 24, 2015, 03:05:32 pm
I do understand that it hurts.  I didn't mean to give the impression that I didn't understand that.  I was just trying to suggest that it might not hurt as much if you don't take it personally.  It's my opinion that childbirth is mostly about the mother and what she needs.  It is about her.  But it's not fair to cut the MIL out of the children's lives just because you don't like her or don't feel comfortable, unless of course there is a concern for the child's wellbeing. It doesn't sound like any of the MILs here have been cut out because of concern of the child's wellbeing and I understand that is not fair.


There is nothing more personal than when your child has a child... It's something nearly every woman looks forward to.   Whether it's your son or your daughter... The feelings are the same.   To NOT take it personal would be completely impossible...  Telling someone who is hurting over this cannot be told to "not take it personal"..    The whole situation is unfair... and to put it bluntly.... it sucks..    But what we are telling others who are going through this is to accept what is.. and build a life that makes you happy..  Acceptance is difficult.. but in the end is the only thing that works.   
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 24, 2015, 04:06:24 pm
I am sorry if I offended anyone by saying that.  It wasn't my intention.  I am a mother of a son and MIL too.  I chose not to take it personally when my DIL wanted her mother there and not me because I understood.  I felt the same way and wished I had said something.  I do understand that many DILs have not been fair.   I am sorry if I haven't been more understanding.  I am trying.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: luise.volta on August 24, 2015, 04:23:11 pm
You're fine, L. We all are. All we can share is our take on whatever is being discussed.

I know someone, a very dear friend, who never takes anything personally. However, I can be dropped in my tracks by a nasty look. She hears something that I consider vicious and she looks at me, perplexed, and simply wonders why the other person doesn't get how great she is. That has actually happened! And she is wonderful. She's just not sensitive. She was built up a lot as a child. I was put down. I get we are all doing our best and when we share here it's from our experience. I'm trying, too. But I will never be like my friend. There's a lot of diversity on WWU because 'we're all snowflakes'...no two alike. The same is true of our DILs. (In my case, the culprit was DS not DIL!)
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 24, 2015, 05:00:02 pm
Luise,  I am actually more like how you describe you than your friend.  I do take things personally, and did take things my MIL and FIL said and did personally and that only caused me more pain.  So I am working on not taking things so personally because it does help things not hurt so much, especially things that aren't deliberately meant to hurt me. 
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Green Thumb on August 24, 2015, 06:03:55 pm
Welcome, Kjg!

Childbirth is such a personal thing, just think about it, strangers are going to be looking at your vagina! Some women like their mothers to be there but lots of women balk at have others there because the baby comes out of  very private and personal area of the body. Many women are taught as children that the vagina is "dirty" or shameful and they carry this over into adulthood.

I am wondering if this was even discussed with them in advance -- or assumed on your part and then it didn't happen. If you were invited to be in the delivery room in a discussion before the birth and then they did not call you, well, yikes, this is something.

For my births, I did not allow any relatives. (Husband and a friend only) My own mother and my sister came to help me by cooking and cleaning house and my MIL was allowed to come visit after the birth of  the second one, but she did almost nothing to help. My then MIL only wanted to receive attention from her son. My mother even talked to her on the phone before she came and told her all the things that I needed help with, washing diapers, playing with the oldest child, etc. MIL still did almost nothing and napped all afternoon and when my ex husband came home from work, all she wanted was to talk to him. Her total attention was on her son and even he got annoyed. No one to help me bathe the kids, cook, clean, etc. and finally my ex husband had to tell her time to go!

So what I am asking is, which mother are you, the one who makes a person's life easier by doing chores or tasks for the other person without being asked (a work horse) or the one who makes life harder (the attention seeker)?





Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Lillycache on August 25, 2015, 04:52:37 am
Actually.. those of us who have given birth to only sons are pretty clear on how they came out and where they came out of being that we have the very same body parts.  What I was trying to convey to those that have not experienced being left out of your grandchild's birth was that the disappointment and slight of not being included still hurts... and it hurts very badly.   To most of us it came as a surprise that we were NOT allowed to be as much a part of the process as the DILs mom.   I am not trying to minimize the feelings of the DIL as we have all given birth and understand the process and the emotions.  I am only trying to explain that understanding is one thing... but it does not make  feeling of being "less" than the grandmother any less hurtful. 
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Pooh on August 25, 2015, 10:59:12 am
Maybe I'm a little weird on this, but I truly never expected to be involved in the birth as much as DIL's Mother, even though she lived with us.  I hoped to be included, but not to the extent of being in the delivery room.  I was a happy little camper to sit in the waiting room and wait for DIL to tell me she was ready for me to come in.   Now, had she told me not to come to the hospital until the next day or something, yes, I would have had my feelings hurt as I was as excited as her Mom for the birth.  I think this one has to be a give-and-take from both parties.   She included me and I wasn't intrusive to her.  It worked.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Lillycache on August 25, 2015, 11:37:32 am
I never expected to be in the delivery room either.. nor did I even want to be.  DILs mother wasn't in there either.   I think the OP just wanted to go to the hospital but wasn't called.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: NewMama on August 25, 2015, 12:30:47 pm
K, I'm a DIL and here's my take.

I'm not arguing whether or not you were intentionally excluded, because I wasn't there, I have no idea. I have however had the experience of a MIL that was determined to believe we were excluding her even when we had no intention of doing so and were doing the best we could to keep her included. We were genuinely trying, and it wasn't enough for her and that was so frustrating. I thought I had a good relationship with my MIL before my older son was born, but things went off the rails shortly there after because of her laser focus on whether or not we were including her. The sweet, accepting woman I thought I knew was behaving like a jealous, competitive, needy lunatic. Things are better now, but that period of time did a tremendous amount of damage to our relationship and it's never been, and probably never will be, the same easy going one that it was. I lost a significant amount of trust in her.

I'm saying this because I think you need to tread carefully with how you deal with the way you're feeling. If they feel pressured, they could pull back even more. Part of the reason I love visiting my dad and SM so much is that they have very full lives, and visiting with them is as much catching up with what they are up to as it is them wanting to see our kids.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Pooh on August 25, 2015, 12:56:52 pm
Quote from: Lillycache on August 25, 2015, 11:37:32 am
I never expected to be in the delivery room either.. nor did I even want to be.  DILs mother wasn't in there either.   I think the OP just wanted to go to the hospital but wasn't called.


That's what I read too.  I was responding more to the assumption on another post that an MIL expected to be in the actual delivery room.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Monroe on August 25, 2015, 06:56:36 pm
I think Pooh is exactly right.   Original poster was not expecting to be in the delivery room.  Just in the waiting room at hospital - which is a public place.  I would not expect to be in delivery room with my DIL - or even my own daughter, for that matter - but I would like to be in the waiting room.  My husband was in the delivery room with me - I did not want anyone else - not my mom, not anyone.  If my daughter wants only her husband, that is fine with me.  Sure would not expect to be there.   

But the MIL should be told the DIL is in labor so she could be in the waiting room.   That's not too much to ask. 
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: NewMama on August 26, 2015, 04:27:27 am
What if they didn't want anyone else in the waiting room? Was there a crew of other people there and just not the OP? Or was there no one else there besides who was in the delivery room?

I say this as another introverted person, who also works on an obstetrics unit. The idea of people sitting around in the waiting area while I was in labour made me feel panicked and suffocated well before I even went into labour. When we finally notified everyone of what was going on with ODS (a full 24hrs later after we knew things were happening) we were very clear about we will call when baby is here, don't show up. Everyone respected it. With YDS, no one except my mom knew until after he was born, and that was because she was staying with ODS. If there had of been a way to not tell anyone, I would've done it.

Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Stilllearning on August 26, 2015, 05:40:15 am
Let's face it ladies, the woman who is giving birth has the right to allow or disallow whomever she pleases in either the delivery room or the hospital waiting room.  I am of the opinion that if my DIL has been nice enough to put up with the inconveniences and discomforts of pregnancy in order for my DS to have children then I do not have the right to complain about being left out.  Once she is over the ordeal of delivery I have the right to see the child.  Earlier if she offers but often childbirth is not only a glorious occasion but for the new mother it can be like running a marathon.  She can be tired, irritable and unwilling to add any tension to her current burden and we should honor her wishes.  The hours following childbirth are unique and precious, a bonding time for the child and the new parents and the fact that I did not try to interrupt that did a lot to help repair the relationship I have with my DIL.  Her married friends were telling me how much nicer I was than their MILs. 

I focused my life on my DSs for years and now I get to see my EDS focusing his life on his DD.  This is his time and my DIL's time.  I get the pleasure of spoiling my GC and sending them home.  What a relief!  I can give in and offer bribes!  What bedtime?  I like this incidental role much better!  Yes, I see on facebook that the other grand brushes the child's teeth but I don't have to!  Here, your Mom is not going to be here to get you for an hour......have some chocolate!!  LOL
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Monroe on August 26, 2015, 08:25:21 am
Quote from: Stilllearning on August 26, 2015, 05:40:15 am
Let's face it ladies, the woman who is giving birth has the right to allow or disallow whomever she pleases in either the delivery room or the hospital waiting room


I learn something new every day.   Thanks, Still - I find that I agree with you 90% of the time - but I have always felt that nobody but the young couple and medical team belong in delivery room - it can be a significant medical situation - not a party or family reunion.   But I did think the waiting room was public and open to all.   

I don't have grand kids - but your comments have made me re-think.   If a son and DIL were having a baby, and lived out of town, I probably would not visit for a few weeks or months.   Let them get settled - wouldn't barge in when the baby was brand new.   

If a son and DIL lived in same city, I would not go into delivery room - wouldn't even want to be asked to - but I would have felt entitled to go to waiting room, which I consider a public place.  Some labors can be 24 hours or longer - I would not want to spend that much time there before the birth - But I would have felt that I could go to waiting room any time I wanted - that I was not intruding by doing so.   

Your post has made me realize that I should cut an even wider swath around a DIL in labor - go to hospital the day after birth and see the little one then.   Of course I would not stay long - ten minutes max.  But if I ever do become a grand, I will not wait 12 hours to see a baby for ten minutes.   I will wait at home - the DIL can have whoever she wants in the waiting room - and I don't need to be there at all.   

Good perspective just in case I ever become a GM.   

Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: luise.volta on August 26, 2015, 08:45:57 am
I am so old that my generation didn't have the husband in the delivery room...ever. The labor room, yes...but that was it. And everyone waited...not in the waiting room...but by the phone.

Did you get the feedback you needed, K.? If so, I will close this thread.
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 26, 2015, 11:52:21 am
I agree with you Stilllearning.  It's about what the mother needs during that time.  I feel like my inlaws interfered with my bonding process, and I wish I had realized that I had every right to decide how my early days with my newborn were spent and told them they could come visit later. 
Also a question my therapist used to ask me was "what is it you are trying to accomplish."  So as a MIL, what I want is to have a decent relationship with son, DIL and grandkids.  I know that some of the MILs here have very unreasonable DIL and that is truly a sad situation because they are the ones who determine who gets to be involved in the grandkids lives.  For me, in order to have a decent relationship with my DIL, is to respect her boundaries, offer to help with kids and try not to be too intrusive.  So far that is working in our relationship. For others, it might be not allowing hurt feelings to cause bitterness toward DIL, because that won't help the relationship.  People often pick up on the feelings of others, even when they are not said out loud. 
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Green Thumb on August 26, 2015, 12:05:52 pm
Luise, this thread may be finished but I wanted to thank Still Learning for reminding us of that important question, What are you trying to accomplish? This is good advice for almost anything in life. It actually fits my personal situation today not related to my AC. Am going to write it down on a sticky note as a reminder!
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: Pooh on August 26, 2015, 01:55:25 pm
I agree with the fact that the Mother gets to choose who gets to be there or not.  I think the point that OP was making was that it does hurt your feelings, as the MIL, to not at least be invited to wait in the waiting room when the DIL's Mother is there.  That I don't think there are many of us here that are MIL's, that doesn't understand a relationship with Mother and Daughter is different than the MIL (most of the time).  If the Mother doesn't want anyone there, I would have no issue with that at all.  I think it was just being pointed out that when it's lopsided, it can hurt your feelings.  And although we recognize the bond between Mother and Daughter, the birth of the grandchild excites us just as much.  And that is assuming the relationship is fine.

I always turn things around and think about them and how I would make someone feel.  So say you had two DIL's (that you got along with), and one DIL was told that you were having a big get-together to celebrate something and that you wanted her there, because maybe you were a little more comfortable with her,  but told the other DIL that you would prefer if she waited and came to celebrate later, after everyone else.  Do you not think the DIL that was told to wait wouldn't feel a bit hurt?   
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on August 26, 2015, 05:13:26 pm
I agree that it's hurtful to be left out and the OP also feels left out because she hasn't gotten to see the baby but 7 times in 5 months and has to wait for an invitation.  And it's hard to guess the reasons for that.   They may have called her mom first as she was going to be in the delivery room and things may have happened fast and no one thought to call OP until afterward.  Or it might have just been thoughtlessness or intentional.  Who knows the reason?  Also who knows the reason OP has to wait for an invitation.  DIL may feel overwhelmed as a new mother and just doesn't want company too often... or other reasons.  We can't make assumptions.  It sounds like OP wants more time with her grandbaby, and I don't blame her.  I am realizing how lucky I am that that has not been taken away from me. It's not right.
For me my problems were more with my inlaws than they have been with my DIL.   But feeling hurt and bitter about things my inlaws said and did, hindered my ability to assert myself to work things out with them.  In fact they probably sensed my feelings and that in turn caused them to have bad feelings toward me that probably caused some of their bad behavior.  It becomes a cyclic thing, even when people aren't terrible people, the bad feelings can go back and forth and escalate.  That's how it has been for me with my inlaws.  It does take two to Tango. 
So I try to follow my therapist's advice and consider what I want to accomplish.  If I want to have a relationship with my grandchildren, I need to try to have a good relationship with my DIL.  It is unfair, because she holds the key to your grandchildren, but that is the way it is. It's not right for any DIL to keep her children away from their grandparents unless they are abusive or mean to the kids.    My inlaws were basically good to my children and my children enjoyed being with them, so I never would have kept them from them.   But I could have taken better care of my needs rather than allowing my inlaws to do whatever they wanted in my home and I should have defended myself when they were critical. 
If OP's DIL is an introvert, she might not be speaking up about what she needs.  I wonder if it would help to open a conversation with her and ask if there is anything you can do to help, like babysitting so she can run to the store or whatever.  I know I would have loved that as a young mother.  Let her know you don't want to interfere but you would love to see the baby more.  Ask her if there is anything bothering her about you if you are willing to hear it. 
Title: Re: Introverted DIL and new Grandbaby
Post by: luise.volta on August 26, 2015, 05:33:34 pm
It looks like we have all had our say and given K. a lot to think about. She is OK about closing this thread as I suggested before we start repeating ourselves or it becomes a debate. Lots of really good input here. Thanks to one and all.  :)