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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: PatiencePlease on October 09, 2014, 12:26:31 pm

Title: Why is there a difference??
Post by: PatiencePlease on October 09, 2014, 12:26:31 pm
Pen posted a response on another thread:

"We mothers of sons often get criticized for behavior that is considered normal for mothers of daughters." 

This is so true.  But why?  I find myself hesitating before I say something to my daughter-in-law but don't hesitate to say something to my daughter...  I know my daughter will simply tell me to mind my own business in her own way and I'll get the message and stop.  But I don't have that comfort zone with my son coupled with that level of familiarity with my daughter-in-law -- I don't think it's my place to expect that of her. 

I second guess what I say to my son/daughter-in-law, but not so much with my daughter...

Any thoughts???

Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: Stilllearning on October 09, 2014, 05:17:36 pm
When was the last time you saw a girl being berated for being a "Mommie's Girl"???  Or even a "Daddy's girl"??

It is a societal difference and it makes the mothers of sons the outcasts unless the DIL intercedes.

As a mother of only boys it totally sucks!!
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: shiny on October 09, 2014, 05:40:22 pm
Well, I'm at a place where all of my words are carefully spoken to AD and AS, and their spouses.
They're grown and very opinionated, and I don't know anything. Sometimes an innocent comment is taken wrong and sparks begin to fly. I'm too old for this.
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: luise.volta on October 09, 2014, 06:42:22 pm
I think the Land of Why has very few answers. Perhaps with daughters we have a deeper relationship of long standing. It's different than being the 'other woman' in your son's life.
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: Lillycache on October 10, 2014, 07:07:17 am
Other Woman..    There is a lot of truth to that..  I think that women are very competative.. with other women.   Psychologically, and ingrained in the female psyche is the feeling that a MAN.. is a prize to be won... snagged if you will.  The ownership of a man is something to be protected... particularly from other womem.   WHO is the first person a man loves?  Who feels she has some ownership in the person she brought into the world?  Mom of course..  So who would be the natural target of dislike??   MIL of course. 

At least this is the way I have figured it.   I only have two sons.. Only one is married.  I really thought things were great between me and DIL.. until she let me know otherwise after 10 years of play acting.. It was quite a shock.... but one that I have gotten over.  It is what it is.. and she is how she is..  I'm certainly not losing any sleep over it any longer. 
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: Pooh on October 10, 2014, 07:22:13 am
Quote from: luise.volta on October 09, 2014, 06:42:22 pm
I think the Land of Why has very few answers. Perhaps with daughters we have a deeper relationship of long standing. It's different than being the 'other woman' in your son's life.


I agree with this and to add my two cents, I also think it's competition.  When a Mother speaks to her Daughter, there is no competition in that relationship.  When a MIL speaks with her Son, I think she is seen as a "threat'.  When my Mother is giving me advice, it's easy for me to say, "Thanks but I'm going to do this instead" and that's the end of it.  When a MIL gives Son advice, if he carries that back to the DIL, especially if he uses the words "Well, Mom thinks....", it can set up a competition between the MIL and DIL inadvertently if either the MIL is the type that will be mad her advice wasn't taken, or the DIL is the type that will be mad that the DS talked to his Mother about it.   

I have a great MIL now and I'm glad my DH talks to her about things.  I don't feel a competition with her because I choose to accept they have a great relationship and I'm glad he is close to his Mother and can talk to her.  But I also know that if he and I make a decision about something, that in the end, it will be our decision.  He may ask her or listen to her, and he might even tell me if she has a good idea, but it's still between he and I.  I know it and he knows it.  And sometimes she thinks of something we haven't.  I'm actually appreciative of her insights just as I appreciate my own Mothers.

I truly think it just plainly boils down to the personalities of the parties involved and that many times, because it's been a relationship since birth, a Daughter always sees her own Mother as having her best interests at heart and coming from a place of love and caring, even if they don't agree.  But because a DIL doesn't have that long-standing relationship, she may take it more as interference.  (And don't get me wrong, there are plenty of interfering MILS!)
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: Lillycache on October 10, 2014, 10:23:30 am
That certainly was true of my DIL... she absolutely hated it when my son talked to me about anything or DARED to ask my advise or opinion.  She would make comments like "you listen to your mother any other time".... or   "Why don't you ask your mother"..   So I would cringe anytime my son talked to me about anything other than the most mundane of things.  AND believe me.. I never intruded or gave and opinion or advise without being asked... and even then I was careful..  But still... she wasn't happy unless I was totally out of the picture.   Fortunately for me.. my son would not allow that to happen and he still calls me and brings the kids over to see me.. just without her.    It's really unfortunate.  I thought we had a nice relationship and was eager to keep our small family together.  However, she wanted no part of it.
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: Pooh on October 10, 2014, 12:57:29 pm
It was true of mine as well.  They would come over, I'd be in the kitchen talking to DS while I cooked, she would be in the living room watching tv.  We'd be laughing or cutting up about something (nothing to do with them) and when he'd walk back in the living room, I could hear her drill him.  "What were you talking about?  What were you laughing about?  Were you talking about me?"  I'd just shake my head.  I never understood.  She didn't want to join us in conversations and fun, but she didn't want us to have conversations without her.

It took me a long time to realize it was about her and not about me. And unfortunately, DS chose to become collateral damage.
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: PatiencePlease on October 15, 2014, 04:51:05 pm
Thank you for your responses....  There's a reason why this forum is called "wise" women unite.  And once again you have proven why this is so.   :) 
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: luise.volta on October 15, 2014, 06:40:55 pm
I have the most incredible DIL. I asked them to take me to eastern WA to visit a friend. It's a six hour trip. Then several days later, my friend over there is going to bring me back home. (I'm too old to drive.)

My DTL called me to say she isn't going along because she knows how much my son enjoys having me to himself once in a while and that she will take me next time so she can me all to herself!  :D

(His 'ex' didn't even want him to talk to me on the phone!)
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: PatiencePlease on October 16, 2014, 04:52:41 am
Your DIL has great respect for you and for your son.  What a great story - thanks for sharing it Luise and enjoy visiting your friend (and your son.)
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: Justus on October 28, 2014, 06:04:48 pm

So far, I have been lucky where my children and their SOs are concerned, but on the IL and parent end, not so much. They have taught me the don'ts of being the parent of adult children.
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: Stilllearning on October 29, 2014, 03:41:34 am
 Can we help?
Title: Re: Why is there a difference??
Post by: luise.volta on October 29, 2014, 09:05:16 am
Welcome, J. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are are a monitored Website.

I have modified your first post because we are into sharing and caring through our own personal experience. This isn't a discussion and debate site. As, SL wrote, let us know how we can help.