I have a really overbearing future MIL/ FIL. Both families have met, and don't get along. (This is mainly because my MIL can't keep her nasty comments to herself). She has be-littled my older sister (which she has never met)- calling her a no hoper. (My sister is 30, married, working for the government as an receptionist, and attends uni part-time studying law). The FIL has also made comparisons between me and their own daughter, who is living with a man, who is in and out of jail, and has had 3 children with him. She dropped out of high school. My parents took offence, because I have a masters degree in finance, was then working as a Financial Analyst, but and am currently studying my postgraduate studies towards becoming a psychologist. My partner says that the only thing that we have in common is that we both have dark hair. They are always saying bad things in front of my parents- what is wrong with them? My partner won't stand up for me, even after 6 years. She is so controlling- she stopped our last wedding from happening, because we left a few people off her guest list (after all Mum and Dad were paying for everything), and said that if she wanted them there, then she could make up the different. After all- we had a budget set, and the guest list has to stop somewhere- we too had to take some people off our side too. (This wasn't the first time, that she has stopped a wedding of ours from going forward. But this time is costed my parents $10,000 in unrefunded deposits.
I don't know what to do? I am thinking that I need to just get out now while I can-
Sounds like you got problems with your partner. Not getting married the first time might just be your answer.
QuoteMy partner won't stand up for me, even after 6 years.
Hmmm ... and you're worried about overbearing IL's? By the way, changing a guest list does not "stop" a wedding. There's more here than guest list "numbers".
QuoteI am thinking that I need to just get out now while I can-
You said it first ....
Run while you can honey! It will NOT get better. Your Fiance will NOT all of a sudden stand up to his Mom. Do you really want her to be the grandma to your kids? Cut your losses and RUN.
Hi, PoppyMillie - welcome to our board. Please take a minute to read the posts in Open Me First on the home page. They give guidelines for our site and we ask all new posters to read them.
I have to say that I agree that the issue is really between you and your partner. You wouldn't have an in-law issue if he could stand up to them, and the fact that he can't isn't something that goes away easily. You and your partner have given your MIL an awful lot of power in your relationship, and if your partner is not on board with standing up to her and setting boundaries, then it's not going to happen.
I agree with your last idea. I think if you do go ahead and marry, you can't blame them for your unhappiness.
You have so much going for you! Maybe it's time to pull away and go finish your studies and give yourself some time to decide if you want to jump into this.
Welcome PoppyMillie :)
I, too think this is a fiance issue. How could his parents cancel the wedding unless you and your fiance allowed it? They don't have that kind of power over adults. How did all that happen?
Secondly, I think that the problems with his parents are never going to go away, unless you fiance stops them. He can do it, but do you see him being able to? Does he recognize that there is a problem with his relationship with his parents? Does he notice their nasty comments and recognizes them as such? If he does, maybe you guys can work on setting boundaries and what works for you. If he doesn't, then that's going to be an irreparable problem.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Thank you for your friendly words of wisdom. The reason the wedding stop was because the MIL said that if we didn't invite all the people on her guest list, then she would not be coming. My partner didn't want to go through with the wedding without his mother, so she won, the wedding was called off. My future Mil also had the option to pay for the additional 10-20 people that she wanted to invite at the standard rate that was paid for all the other guests ($40pp). My sister had a wedding 1 year beforehand and her MIL was told that she could invite 80 guests, as they too were on a budget (who isn't these days), and she did. Easy!. I just wanted to get married before my mother passed away from terminal cancer, and I think that my MIL was taking advantage of this. 1 year one, we are still not marry, lucky for me my mother is still here!, but I really don't think that his family is the type of family I want to marry into. I really don't think that I can forgive Mil for a feel nasty comments- we went to visit her 2 months after my mum was dianosied, and she asked me 'if my mum was dead yet', when we were planning the wedding and weren't making decisions that she liked based on decisions my mum made, she said that 'maybe we should wait until my mother is no longer a problem'. I just can't forgive comments like these.
I am so sorry about your mother, PoppyMillie. Big Hugs.
What does your fiance say about all this?
For what it's worth, I would not be able to be around your MIL at all.
And what did your DF say or do when his mother said that?
Oh good grief, this is a group of mostly MIL's and Poppy I promise you to a woman we ALL want to ...I'm trying to use a term that won't red flag this post as inappropriate so shall we say have a CONVERSATION with this woman >:(
But honey, I agree your BIGGEST problem is your FMIL's - DS. I would put any plans on hold until you get a clearer idea of exactly what kind of man he is. to be blunt, doesn't sound like much of one.
First, let me offer my condolences concerning your mother. It must be difficult planning a wedding without your mother. If you love your partner and the love is reciprocated, have considered eloping? Or a very, very small ceremony - perhaps in a judge's chambers? And then moving far, far away.
I have a marriage where my IL's "hate" me - and they have used that word more than once. My FIL actually asked me to leave my husband and our children and go far away. I'm not sure what I did wrong (I think it is because I attend church regularly and they consider church-going people hypocrites), but I never got relief from their criticism until we moved some distance away. We keep in touch but I let my husband carry the brunt of that responsibility. Now, I don't have to "deal" with them and I feel a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. But, without the support of my husband, I hate to think what would have happened to our marriage.
I'm in a similar position as JDTM, my IL's don't like me (and are FAR LESS pushy than your FMIL) and we live far enough away that the IL's don't figure in our lives. And you know what? It's still hard. It's hard because my DH still wants to go visit them (occasionally). And especially because we have DD, they "have" to be involved in our lives, i.e they came when she was born, they came for her baptism, they will want to come when she graduates and they'll be invited to her wedding.
Think about when you have kids (if you want kids). I can guarantee that they will ramp up the crazy when you have kids, and then? THEN you're really stuck. Because if you leave your weinie-DH, then you have to send your kids to see him (and the IL's) regularly, without being there to see how they will be indoctrinated.
I'm saying that if this was a case of you and FDH against the world, it would STILL be a hard life. As it is, with an FDH who is a mama's boy, you are signing up for nothing but heartache.
The expression is "Begin as you mean to go on." and let me tell you, you've already given FMIL SO much power over you, by letting her absence stop your wedding. If she threatened not to come, your FDH and you should have called her bluff. "Well Mom, we'll certainly miss you, but we can see that you've put some thought into this and we understand that you have to stand by your convictions. However, we WILL be getting married on xx day." As things stand, there are already 3 people in your marriage and that's one too many, so I really think you should take a step away from the craziness.
ASIDE: Do you know? There are people out there who LOVE their MILs. Who's MILs love THEM. My cousin's wife will bring the kids to spend days and days at my Aunts house (her MIL). My other cousin has been known to visit her IL's and once, because bunk spaces were limited, they slept in the same bed! My other cousin has had her IL's live with her for months at a time. And you know what? I for one am insanely jealous of them. Do you know how much easier your life is when your FOO and your DH's FOO can all get along? As it is, in my situation, with my annoying-not-evil IL's who don't like me, I regret marrying my DH.
The fact that your fiance was the one who called off the wedding since his mother threatened to boycott it is really discouraging. And, I very much agree that it gets worse with kids. I'm so sorry.
Welcome Poppy. I think everyone here has said mostly the same things I was thinking. I think that a fiance' that would allow that much time and money to be wasted simply because his Mother "claimed" she wouldn't be there over a few guests, very self centered. If he gave no thought to you, your Mother and Father's losses and how that would affect your relationship that he simply threw the towel in on the wedding, that would be where I would have to question how important I was to him.
Like the others said, if you are already having this much trouble with him not standing up for you, I would seriously consider that it may never improve. Are you willing to do this the rest of your life? You can limit yourself and how much contact you make with them, but like Scoop said, when children come along or special occasions and holidays, you are going to be in the middle of a battleground for years if something isn't resolved now.
It sounds like you are very smart and have a great head on your shoulders. To me, the things your FMIL has already said about your Mother would be something I don't think I could ever get past. Can you?
Once you are married it will only get worse and given the fact that you are educated, next thing you will be dealing with is there various financial demands. Once you have kids, it is all over.
Dump him and do it now. Run.
Oh, what most of the MILs on this board would have given to have gotten a DIL who had the slightest interest and openness towards DS' FOO.
Most MILs here welcomed the DIL with open arms, bent over backwards to be helpful (paying for things, letting the young couple live with them, babysitting, etc.) - only to be rejected by the DIL! (With the DS' acquiescence if not outright approval).
Why couldn't the DILs who reject be paired with the MILs who reject, and the DILs who want acceptance be paired with the MILs who offer both love and acceptance? Then everyone would be happy.
Well said Monroe! PoppyMillie, You're in a tough position after investing so much time in the relationship. Good luck to you.
My first marriage ended after two years in part because my then-MIL didn't approve of me and influenced her DS's opinion of me as well. I tried to build a civil relationship w/her but she couldn't accept me. My X-DH never stood up for me & I got tired of feeling "less than" all the time. Luckily we didn't have children; if we had, I would be dealing w/ X-MIL to this day - horrors!
He later apologized for his treatment of me, but we'd been divorced many years by then.
Oh MY! I agree w/ FooFoo. Run! Run NOW and get your life together, sister! Do not waste anymore time on this man who shows you DO NOT matter!
Do not settle for the "better than nothing" relationships?! Nothing is REALLY better! U deserve to be picky and a partner who has ur back and respects you as a person is a MINIMUM requirement. Dump this jerk and go find your true partner!
I know I am being blunt and do not want to add to your grief but the MIL is only a symptom of the true disorder, you picked the wrong guy.
On the other hand, if you do marry him despite what we advise, you can always come back here and try to work your relationship with your MIL/DH. We'll be here - we're just trying to save you some heartache.
I am sorry about your Mom, that could really hurt to lose her now. I lost my Mom to lung cancer but she was over 60, and I felt like a ragdoll after she died. Wedding planning is a family affair getting everyone together, so you need to know that I for one appreciate all your efforts. What do men know about these things? You have to tell them. I agree that your fiance sounds like he has a nasty-mouthed mom, poor guy. He will have to be told that it is up to him to handle her so that when things are rough, he sets her straight. That's not up to you. Sometimes sons do not get that they take a wife and then need to protect her from all outsiders (like his mom). Six years is a long engagement in my book btw, so I imagine it is not too easy for you to let go. You are smart and can figure this one out - whether to leave or not. You are not marrying his family either, but they will be around forever...you might want to see if your fiance is up to the task of keeping his side of the family at bay so you can live happily together before you marry. See what he says to setting appropriate boundaries with his mom. And then make the best decision for you and what you want in life.
My mother has been stugging with cancer now for many years, and passed away last week. It wasn't until days after she passed that I really become aware of the full extent of the meaning behind my future MIL's nasty comments, I now know the true extent of the meaning of her words. Watching my mother take her last breath, and seeing the postive impact that she left behind on the people around her. Her nasty comments are truely unforgiveable!!!!. I now know that I can now longer live with my partner and his family in my life, and it is time to cut all ties to his family.
PM, my condolences in the passing of your mother. I know you loved her very much and could see what was in store for you with your with your partner and family. I'm so glad you have made the decision to take the off ramp. Hope you find someone you deserve and can have a very happy life with.
My thoughts are with you, PoppyMillie. Life is too short to not be as happy as possible. Best wishes for a future filled with true love, respect, and acceptance.
My thoughts are for you PM. Take care, hugs
My thoughts are with you PM.
Hi, I'm new here, but wanted to say, I'm so sorry for your loss PM. I'm so glad you found the strength to create a new life for yourself that will be healthy, and happy. You may be sad for awhile, but will heal and be stronger. Good luck.
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