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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Pooh on May 15, 2012, 07:25:07 AM

Title: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2012, 07:25:07 AM
So, even though I haven't been seeing OS/DIL, the window has always been left open a crack for a reconciliation, if they chose to. 

Not anymore.  The window is slammed shut, glued, nailed and has security alarms on it now as far as DIL goes.  OS will only be welcome without her, if he so chooses someday.  She has done her fair share of being a cruel person, but she just crossed my line in the cruelness factor and I want no part of her.  There will also be a "not nice" converseration with SM (Ex's wife) next time I get a chance.  The two of them are perfect for each other (DIL/SM) and no wonder they always got along. 

FDIL calls me last night and I can tell she is upset.  She asked if I had time to talk for a bit.  Well sure.  She proceeds to tell me that something has been going on for about a month that she hasn't told me, because she was trying to fix it.  She says that she hasn't been able to, and needs my help but at the same time, it is going to be very painful for me and she didn't want to cause it, but was out of ideas.  So she says, "So the question is:  If I know something that will cause you pain, but will help YS, do you want to know?"  Bless her heart, I could tell she was struggling trying to figure out what to do.

So I said, "If it helps YS and you, then yes."  She tells me the story of what happened when YS was in, and over at his Dad's.  When they arrived, SM runs out and meets them in the driveway, holding her smartphone and yelling as soon as they got out of the car, "Look what I have!"  She shoves her phone in YS's face and there is a recent picture of his daughter.  She starts scrolling thru her pics and has 4 different ones of her.  FDIL said that YS was devastated and is about to cry.  SM is gushing about how beautiful she is, how grown up she is looking and on and on.  YS just walks in the house.  Remember, he hasn't seen her in over two years and has been trying unsuccessfully to see her.

FDIL looks at SM and says, "Where did you get those?"  SM shrugs and says, "DIL sent them to me" and walks off.  So apparently, later, YS breaks down on her and is all upset about SM having them when he hasn't even seen her.  So after YS deploys, FDIL has been on a mission to find those pictures for him.  She texts SM and asks if she will send them to her.  SM says that she needs to ask DIL because they were not hers to give.  She does tell her that DIL found them on a photographers website and downloaded them.  So FDIL has been searching every photography website for a couple of weeks, trying to find them.  Since DIL sent her the FB friend request the other day, FDIL emails her and asks her about them.  DIL tells her that she found them.  FDIL asks her where.  DIL says, "Somewhere", etc.  She will not tell her.  FDIL is very upset for YS and is still looking for them.

So, me being the CSI person that I am, FDIL wants to know if I have any suggestions on how to find them.  She tells me she didn't want to ask for my help, because she knows how much I miss GD too and if I found them, knew I would probably be upset.   So 3 hours later, I find them.  Yes, I shed a few tears but it was great to see her and how much she has grown.  I emailed them to FDIL.

I am furious at DIL and SM.  I can't believe that they would be that cruel, on purpose to YS.  Pardon me, but it's none of DIL's business.  SM, yeah I can't even say what I want about that one here.  If would have been different if either had asked YS, "I stumbled across some pics and saved them in case you wanted them."  If they were doing it for him.  But to flaunt them to him and then not offer to send them to him or tell them where they found them?  After they offered no help with us trying to get visitation for 15 months, but yet when we did, wanted to see her?  We let them see her even though I had to be present because I was legally the supervisor on the court documents for the first 3 months.  I sucked it up, even though I didn't want to look at SM and Ex, and did this because YS wanted to.  Arrgggg! 

Yes, I'm furious at them.  And OS and Ex?  If I find out they knew? Yeah, man up and tell your wives they are being cruel.  Tell them they can't treat your Brother/Son that way.  I'll be done with them too.  They can be as mean as they want to me, but what they did to YS was beyond cruel.  It was cold, calculating and unforgivable as they know how hard this has been on him and how much he misses her.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: pam1 on May 15, 2012, 08:21:47 AM
Wow...that's really....something I can't say here.  I don't blame you, Pooh.  There are times when you know it wasn't just some misunderstanding, it was deliberate cruelty.   Nasty, nasty.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2012, 08:25:29 AM
Yes, and 2 weeks before he deploys.  Idiots.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: pam1 on May 15, 2012, 08:27:29 AM
I can't believe DIL was even looking for them and why she wouldn't send them directly to YS when she found them.  Why SM???  It's a game, a sick one. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2012, 08:34:25 AM
IF I had stumbled across them, I would have told YS gently about it.  I would have said that I had stumbled across them and did he want them?  I would have asked and offered.  I can't even fathom having them, flaunting them in his face and then refusing to give them to him.  Which, IMO is exactly what they both did. 

I never said a word to SM about the affair.  I never said anything during or after the divorce.  I even had her seated by Ex at DIL/OS's wedding when I was asked where they should be, on the front row.  I took GD to meet them even after they offered no support to help YS with getting her.  I have sucked it up for both OS/YS's sake, trying to be the better person.  She's fair game now.  She hurt him badly.

Same thing with DIL.  Purposeful cruelty is my breaking point. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pen on May 15, 2012, 09:44:44 AM
Pooh, how cruel, selfish, and dare I say evil. A new low from people who have disappointed you and hurt you before. Unbelievable.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: constantmargaret on May 15, 2012, 09:48:06 AM
This is the worst kind of bullying. It's like a big playground meany holding a little girl's doll over her head making her jump for it and laughing while she cries.

My blood is boiling. >:(

Pooh I think that's a good name for you...I can see mama bear coming out. Somebody needs to be picked up by the scruff of the neck and shaken.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: lancaster lady on May 15, 2012, 09:49:04 AM
What I'm thinking Pooh is , what on earth did she/they hope to achieve by doing that ?
Some people don't have an ounce of sensitivity in them .
Well they deserve each other , shows their personality if they are all in cahoots together ...witches !
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Lillycache on May 15, 2012, 10:48:48 AM
I just think there is a sick group of lowlifes that really enjoy the suffering of others.  It's funny to them, especially if they are the ones causing the pain.  Perhaps it gives them a sense of power... but it's sick.   Pooh.... if you'd like some chains, shutters and iron bars to add to your window decor... I have some left over from when I did my windows.. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 15, 2012, 12:28:07 PM
It is evil, bullying, cruel...you name it.  LL, I have no idea what they could have thought to get out of that.  There was absolutely nothing to gain from him by seeing him hurt.  I feel awful for him.  I know why he didn't tell me.  He knew I would be furious...good call.

Lilly, thanks for the offer.  I may just add a trip wire!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: luise.volta on May 15, 2012, 01:44:10 PM
Good detective work, P! The rest of the story is a horror but out of it you and YS now have pictures you didn't have before. Bless FDILs heart!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Beth 2011 on May 15, 2012, 02:38:32 PM
Pooh that was so cold hearted.  It sounds like she couldn't wait to let her shirt touch her back before she told your YS.  How did they know to begin with that there were pictures out there?  At least now he sees her true colors and sounds like everybody else did too. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Doe on May 15, 2012, 03:49:02 PM
Evil, evil, evil people!  But great job finding the pictures.  As I was reading the story, I recalled something about face recognition software out there that lets you search by faces but have no clue how easy it is to get it. 

I think FDIL is becoming a mini-Pooh - hope she doesn't allow YDS to fall into any future traps with those Cruellas!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Elise on May 16, 2012, 06:48:03 AM
I am so sorry Pooh.  Can't see one redeeming thing to focus on with those people. Pure cruelty. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 16, 2012, 09:21:43 AM
I'm not sure if she was actually looking for them or stumbled across them.  Because I found them on a local photographer's FB page, she may have been searching for a photographer (since she's pregnant) and came across them.  I was searching names, photographers, etc. on the internet when it dawned on me that DIL stays on FB all the time, so I started searching through area photographers pages there is how I found them. 

I was very proud to see her.  She looks exactly like her Daddy, red head and all still. :)
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: artlady on May 16, 2012, 11:02:08 AM
So so sorry Pooh as these people don't have a heart or they would never hurt someone so cruelly, not to a father and his child he hasn't seen and getting ready to deploy. I do wish I could understand people like the DIL/SM  as they should be on the top 10 wanted list for first class adult bullies.  The great thing was to hear gd looks like her dad, sounds cute as a button with red hair. One day these horrible ( can't say what I'd like to ) things will have theirs and hope not long and you can tell us all about it . hugs to you
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 16, 2012, 11:34:21 AM
I totally believe in Karma.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: lancaster lady on May 16, 2012, 11:36:01 AM
Oh YES !
Karma worked for me bigtime ..... :P
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: artlady on May 16, 2012, 11:39:12 AM
Karma is a good thing , hope you have it soon and I wouldn't mind a bit of it for myself .
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: autumnlady on May 16, 2012, 04:02:24 PM
Pooh!  I completely understand where you coming from on this one.  It seems that respect is a word of the past and I for one feel your anger and this time it's justified.  This is why reality shows are so big everyone loves DRAMA!  What happened to people truly caring about one another...Hang in there girl...we are all here for you!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pen on May 16, 2012, 05:06:09 PM
A little redhead...maybe a bit feisty like her GM??  ;)
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 17, 2012, 10:45:37 AM
I hope so! :)
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: luise.volta on May 17, 2012, 11:08:54 AM
Sending love...
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Footloose on May 17, 2012, 01:26:32 PM
 >:(  Not good at ALL!  What is happening to this country and these adult people!  I have no room in my life for drama!  Especially from hurtful scum like these!  I still do not understand the gall of some folks and pushing good people to the curb or punching them in the gut.  This is the same kind of abuse and it is much more hurtful.  pooh, I pray for your peace.  hugs <3
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Keys Girl on May 20, 2012, 04:00:32 PM
Pooh, I'm so sorry for you but I wholeheartedly endorse you slamming the door shut and bolting it too.  It's all about power, the power to inflict pain and the satisfaction that some people get by being the perpetrators of cruelty. 

Take care of yourself, KG
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Ruth on May 22, 2012, 10:58:10 AM
Pooh, I have to say I felt a little deja vu reading this.  Many people are just so amazingly insensitive that it behooves you to see how they can have a heartbeat.  I don't think they have a clue.  My DM, just today on the phone, remarked to me that 'ds came by to see her over the w/e, he looked great, yes and he said his girlfriend was out of town for a couple of weeks....blah blah', now this is the same ds who has estranged me, her own daughter, and she doesn't even see how distressing it is to me, to talk about it so casually and the fact is I didn't even know he had 'a girlfriend.'  My dm has always been this way, she isn't cruel she just doesn't get it.  But most of my dss are the same way.  I don't think its uncommon, just abominable.  I'm sorry your ds had to be wounded this way.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 22, 2012, 11:03:38 AM
I'm sorry Ruth, I know that's very hard to hear.  My biological Dad, when we went by his house the day before Mother's day to give my SM a gift starting talking about my OS.  He was going on and on about him.  My Dad bowls on a league and had bowled in the State tournament.  My OS is on the board of directors for the bowling association (been bowling since he was 5).  He was talking about how they bowled next to each other and he was giving him a hard time about his bowling, blah blah blah.  I just sat and listened and didn't say anything, because I know he wasn't trying to be cruel, just wasn't thinking. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: forever spring on May 22, 2012, 11:11:24 AM
I'm sorry to hear that you saw your GD in a photo only and had to do a search to find them. Unbelievable. The circumstances are just awful to think about. Lock those doors, some things are beyond redemption.
Karma will work its mysterious way and the cruelty will bounce back on them.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 22, 2012, 11:33:19 AM
Thank you FS.  It has been locked and deadbolted.  :)  He ever wants to reconcile, he better bring a hacksaw.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Footloose on May 22, 2012, 11:34:28 AM
I too have shut the door!  My son once said that I act like he owes me for raising him for 19 yrs and beyond.  I never defended myself during the interrogation as I knew my defense would make it worse.  So I shaddap!

Now I know the correct reply.  "YES, you do owe me three things, love, respect and inclusion!  just as I owe these things to my other family, friends and future friends!  It is simply the Golden Rule, remember we all learned this in preschool and kindergarten?!

My heart is permanently guarded against hurt from others so I will be very careful with folks who wish to harm and disrespect.  That INCLUDES family too.  I left a man who loved me so but there was too much anger and control in him.  Why would I take it from my only child and his wife?!  Love does make you nutz but I am getting healthy!  I feel liberated now.  Completely untethered.  Free at LAST!

I wish you peace, Pooh my sister!  You deserve it cuz u r a good cookie:)
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 22, 2012, 12:12:42 PM
Good to see you Footloose!  I just read about your diving...that's so incredible.  I can't jump in the deep end without holding my nose and coming up spittering and sputtering, so I just laze around on a float.

I think it took me the longest to get that just because he is my Son and she is my DIL, I don't have to tolerate the behavior.  If he and she were an adult couple of friends that we hung out with, and they had started treating us this way and acting this way for years, I wouldn't have a problem not hanging out with them any longer and not being friends with them.  It wouldn't matter if we had been friends for 20 years, I wouldn't subject myself to that type of friendship.  I would hate it, but I wouldn't be sitting around going, "What did I do wrong?" I would move on.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Footloose on May 22, 2012, 12:37:58 PM
Yes, Pooh, leaving our adult children who mistreat us is hard but very doable!  Heck, i don't even like em anymore!  Like you, it's the baby grands i will miss terribly but I do have very fond memories with them and I am sure they will not forget me either.  And one day we will meet again.  BTW, u know at least one of my soon 2 b 4 GCs will be like me?!  He/she will drive my DIL nutz!  Can't wait.  LOL!!!  Karma!  LOL!!!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on May 23, 2012, 06:25:37 AM
Ha Ha Ha!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: artlady on May 23, 2012, 11:56:00 AM
Wow now Footloose if they have one like me , being a right brain person ( art major) living in a house with a "everything in it 's place " sil and now dd , that poor child will drive them nuts. I did mine as i had things everywhere , never got in a stir about anything and not sure if i was on time or not  LOL
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: enorton on August 13, 2012, 06:49:17 PM
I really don't think you can make comments until you have raised children to be the adults you want (wanted) them to be. You can be Super Mom but boys will be boys and follow the woman they are involved with. The lack of respect comes from the DIL's background and the power she has over the son. This is sooooo common as I read through the posts, what a shame!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: luise.volta on August 13, 2012, 06:59:40 PM
E - As you can see, I modified your post a bit. If you don't understand why, please reread the "Forum Agreement" on our Home Page under Open Me First. We try to pass on making crude remarks. Thanks.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Grammie on August 15, 2012, 04:52:20 AM
 Pooh you do not deserve this and neither does YS and FDIL.  So sorry!   My DM frequently recited what was fondly referred to as the "Family Curse".  She said "When you grow up I hope you have a kid just like you!"  Perhaps you should share my family "Curse"  with OS and DIL next time you see them! 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Lillycache on August 15, 2012, 05:58:52 AM
I believe it's called Karma..  and no one escapes it. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 15, 2012, 09:10:59 AM
And I totally believe in Karma.  I believe the "spirit" you put out in the world is returned to you ten fold.  It may not be obvious at first, and it may not be from the same people that you gave to, but I do believe it.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: herbalescapes on August 19, 2012, 12:11:53 PM
if i end up with a dil just like me, we'll butt heads, but be okay.  i fear having the dil my ILs always wanted me to be!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 20, 2012, 10:56:02 AM
My FDIL and I are alot alike, which is why I think we do get along.  We butt heads, but we both get over it.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: luise.volta on August 20, 2012, 11:02:12 AM
How is she doing?
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 20, 2012, 11:10:15 AM
Healthwise and baby wise, she's doing great.  We just hit 21 weeks.  ;D  They are going to induce her December 21st (don't want her going into labor), so guess what I'm getting for Christmas?  They want to do her brain surgery the end of February, that will give her 8 weeks to recover from the C-Section.

Emotionally, she's had a very rough week.  Her Great Grandma passed away Thursday, so we went with her to the funeral Saturday where her biological father showed up.  She's not seen him since she was a baby so it was a rough time.  Then at 5:30 Sunday morning, her GM called to tell her that her GP was in the hospital.  This GP has been the father figure in her life and she's very close to him.  So I spent some time with her at the hospital.  He's doing better today but they are still trying to figure out what's wrong with him.

The good news that came out of it was that her Mom and SF drove up to the hospital, so I finally got to meet them.  Very nice people and me and DH ended up driving back to meet them for dinner last night with FDIL.  We had a good time and got along great.

So she's having a rough time right now, bless her heart.  She posted on my FB late last night that she had the best MIL in the world and was very grateful for all the support.  Very sweet.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: luise.volta on August 20, 2012, 11:14:43 AM
And she does, Pooh!  8)
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 20, 2012, 11:25:22 AM
Awww shucks, thank you
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Begonia on August 20, 2012, 12:46:49 PM
Wow, Pooh, how nice to get a compliment on FB.   Good for you, that warms my heart! .
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 21, 2012, 05:12:35 AM
Thank you.  It was very nice to log on and see that from her since we have so many stories of FB being used for just dogging people.  She's a very sweet person.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Lillycache on August 21, 2012, 05:43:27 AM
Thank you.  It was very nice to log on and see that from her since we have so many stories of FB being used for just dogging people.  She's a very sweet person.


Oh Pooh.... just be careful.   My DIL was the sweetest thing and so nice to me before she married my son.  That's why I relaxed around her and treated her like family, and then the worm turned.   I sincerely hope it doesn't happen for you, and since you are aware of the perils us MILs face, I am sure you are much more atuned to the pitfalls than I was.   

I had to caution another new MIL whose son just got married a few weeks ago.  She was going around calling her new DIL "Her new daughter" and many of us know how that goes over.   She of course thought I was full of canal water..... she will have to make her own mistakes.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 21, 2012, 05:59:32 AM
One thing that I have decided for myself, personally, is that I refuse to let what happened and is happening between me and DIL/OS carry into my other relationships.  I see it no different than my marriage.  If I had let what happened with my first marriage jade me to the point that I never married again...oh my...I would have so missed out on the greatest love of my life, a wonderful husband and many years of laughter and happiness.

I learned from many mistakes I made the first time, and I am going into this one knowing it could all go bad someday, but it wouldn't be fair to her to lay my other circumstances on her.  My Ex took something from me that I had my entire life.  My ability to trust people, take them at face value and love them for who they are without looking for the hidden agendas.  It took me a long time to realize he didn't take it from me.  I did.  He didn't have that kind of power.  Neither does my DIL/OS.

Will people prove me wrong?  I'm sure they will because people are people.  But for every one that does, I bet there will be two that don't.  I sure would hate to miss out on those two.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 21, 2012, 06:02:37 AM
I had to caution another new MIL whose son just got married a few weeks ago.  She was going around calling her new DIL "Her new daughter" and many of us know how that goes over.   She of course thought I was full of canal water..... she will have to make her own mistakes.

I also know several DILs that like being called daughter.  I do.  My MIL introduces me all the time as her daughter and I feel very honored.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Grammie on August 21, 2012, 07:05:39 AM
Lilly,  I know exactly what you mean, I did the same thing.  Accepted my DIL, treated her like one of the family and felt completely relaxed around her.  She posted sweet comments on FB and sent lovely Thank You cards telling DH and I how wonderful we are, all the while hating us.  Not to say that Pooh's DIL would be that way but once you've been burned it's difficult to get past it, at least it is for me. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Footloose on August 21, 2012, 07:37:57 AM
I still call my DIL, my daughter and take her as blood family.  I do not blame her as it is my son I have the history in raising and have only known her for almost 5 yrs.  I am HIS mom and it is HIS responsibility to treat me accordingly. 

I have no blame for her and if we were to reunite or never see each other again, nothing would change my feelings for her.

Pooh, enjoy the good vibes while you can get them.  Just because others change their colors doesn't mean she will.  My prayers are with you that this will be a lifelong positive relationship:)

p.s.  I divorced the father of my son 30 years ago.  His parents are 85 now and thru 30 years of having their name, they still call me their daughter and it makes me proud.  It does confuse those that know they had another daughter so I will explain that I divorced their son but kept the rest of his family:)  My new husband thinks this is "normal" and we both call them family:)  I always include them in my FOO parties and the like and they attended funerals to support me.  My dad passed away 20 yrs ago and my FIL filled in the gap by helping me figure out home repairs and finances, corporate issues w/ career and the like.  They were the only ones who would take my son for a weekend or on small trips.  I always felt at ease with him in their care. 

My ex passed away suddenly at age 55 just last month, his only sib/ sister died not 8 wks earlier of a bad case of pneumonia w/ COPD and Hep C.  Both had poor diets, lived hard  lives and smoked 1-2 pks/ day. 

My x MIL is confined to a wheelchair and has had multi strokes and beginnings of dementia.  He is still doing it all for everyone but himself so I watch out for them daily.  I visit once a week or more and help in any way possible.

I guess I even model good behavior w/ ILs too for my son but he is having a learning disability these days!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: pam1 on August 21, 2012, 07:42:35 AM
I think it really depends on the relationship and personalities.  I would not mind my ex's Mother calling me daughter.  But not the current MIL.  We do not have that type of relationship and frankly, one of the biggest issues I've had with her since the beginning is the incessant push for an intimate relationship that does not mirror anything natural about relationships. 

So, IMO, this is a mileage will vary thing. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Lillycache on August 21, 2012, 08:06:51 AM
This whole distrust thing is MY problem and I know it.  I deal with it everyday and it's a struggle.  My DIL so Gob-smacked me by revealing her true feelings about me after 10 years, I don't really trust any DIL.  Even strangers DILs.   I immediately feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up.   It's something I have to work on because logically I absolutely KNOW that not all DILs are my DIL or feel the same.  At least I can be honest here and put a label on it..... It's like PTSS.   But you must admit that the media doesn't help the cause either.  Everywhere you turn, MILs are the butt of jokes and the objects of distaste.... Even in commercials where the wife says how she hates when her husband's mother visits... and he is standing right there like a dolt and says nothing.  I cringe. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on August 21, 2012, 01:05:12 PM
I understand and it was something I had to work on for myself.  When Ex had an affair and walked out after 21 years, I didn't like any man.  All men were evil and in my head, were just like him.  It took me awhile to get past that and I had to work on it and my DH had had to help me work through some of it while we were dating.

So like Pam said, it depends on the person.  How unfair it would have been to my FDIL for me to push her away and not give her a chance simply because someone else did something to me. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on October 03, 2012, 12:44:38 PM
So short story on the drama Ex and his wife have caused my YS/FDIL over the weekend.  So FDIL and YS will be getting married in Dec., 3 days before the baby is here and 1 day after he gets in on leave.  Small wedding, immediate family only.  So YS wanted to have my DH and his Dad stand up with them.  FDIL was having Sister and best friend.  FDIL has small girl child in family, to be flower girl, so was asking Ex's wife if her small son could be ring bearer.  They said yes and FDIL has been trying for 3 weeks to get their sizes to purchase their clothes.  SM at first wouldn't answer her texts.  Then she answered and said her son would not be wearing what FDIL wanted as it wasn't appropriate for him (YS wants to wear Khaki shorts...Lol...yes in Dec...but it's all inside and that has been YS's only request).  So FDIL relents and lets her have what she wants (pants) for him and says she understands that SM doesn't want him in shorts and asks for sizes again.  SM wouldn't answer her again.  So Friday, FDIL tells me that she is going to go ahead and go looking for YS and DH's shorts as she's afraid to wait much longer and will just get Ex's later and ring bearers pants later.  She posts on FB that she is "Going shopping to try and finish up on some of the wedding outfits".

SM sees it, blows a gasket and texts FDIL wanting to know how she can possibly go shopping when she doesn't have Ex's and ring bearers sizes.  FDIL doesn't answer her because she's getting mad and so SM emails my YS, over in Afghanistan through FB, about FDIL's behavior and how SHE'S tired of it.  Oh, YS then blows up and they go back and forth on email until basically YS tells her to kiss off, then emails FDIL and says "Just get mine and DH's shorts" and don't worry about it.  Dad and ring bearer are officially out of the wedding and I'm not dealing with them.  They can show up or not but this is ridiculous.

So Dad ends up using his wife's FB to email YS the next day (Dad doesn't have a FB and right now, it's the only way to contact YS except for 2 am skype calls at times).  I have no idea what was said, if his Dad took up for SM or what, but it apparently ends with YS telling Dad to kiss off.  So now YS tells FDIL he could care less if they even send them an invite.

So FDIL is upset because she feels like all this is her fault...which we have assurred her it's not.  YS is upset because of the way his Dad is being (his words is he could care less about what SM is doing), and now I am all furious again, on their behalf because once again, they are hurting them.  I've about had it with them bringing all this drama to YS while he has enough to worry about.

Ok, so there is the catch-up.

Idiots
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: lancaster lady on October 03, 2012, 01:15:22 PM
Hi Pooh , wonder why weddings bring out the worst in people . My take , it'll be a much happier day without them .  SM  will realise its not all about her , also once again Facebook  has reared its ugly head . With you on board  Pooh, I'm sure the day will  work out .  Good luck .... :)
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: constantmargaret on October 03, 2012, 03:16:47 PM
Your FDIL should just get your ex something appropriate to wear and hand it to him when/if he shows up.

Preferably an orange jumpsuit or a clown outfit.

Geeze, whatever happened to the bride being able to pick out the attire for her own wedding?  Your son's SM sounds simply delightful. Your poor FDIL. I imaging your YS is grateful to have you there to be a buffer for his bride.

Pooh, take a deep breath and don't punch anyone. Hopefully it will all work out. LL is right about weddings. People do and say some crazy stuff.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pen on October 03, 2012, 04:59:29 PM
Pooh, as Dr. Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Your FDIL is finding out who they are, for sure.

My SM can always be counted on to cause the simplest things to become drama-ridden & ridiculously complicated. I understand your anger expecially since this craziness involves your DS who absolutely does not need to have this on his mind right now, and your FDIL who needs to be calm and happy while carrying their child.

As CM suggested, take a deep breath...or two or three. (((hugs)))
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Monroe on October 03, 2012, 06:24:44 PM

Geeze, whatever happened to the bride being able to pick out the attire for her own wedding? 


Yes, the bride does get to say what the attire is for the wedding.  She's not demanding they wear tuxedos.  She's only accommodating her fiance's wishes re: kakhi shorts.  I find it charming that they are having a small, intimate wedding.  Not insisting on rented tuxedos, etc.  And she is only complying with the grooms wishes about the shorts.  So he wants to be comfortable.  I say let him.  He's a young man in AFGHANISTAN for crying out loud, risking his life and health defending our country.  EVERYONE owes it to this groom and bride to be supportive of them and this wedding. 

I wouldn't say that if they were demanding a wedding that cost as much as my first house (and yes, I've been to some of those) - but an intimate, informal, family-only ceremony where the emphasis is on the marriage (not just the pageantry of the wedding) is my idea of a meaningful ceremony. 

Pooh - I know you are proud of these young people - so are we and we don't even know them.  Tell your son thanks for his service, and tell FDIL thanks for her support and patience with his deployment. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: luise.volta on October 03, 2012, 06:31:05 PM
P - I agree that they are over the top on the idiot meter. And it's between them. Here'a hoping DS and FDIL get totally fed up sooner rather than later. Sending love...
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on October 04, 2012, 06:32:47 AM
Thank you everyone for the supportive responses.  FDIL has no desire to have some over-the-top wedding.  Last night was spent making her Sister's bouquet.  I made all of mine for my wedding and have done 3 friends for their wedding.  I love to do them and they turn out well.  FDIL knows this, and asked if I would show her and help her do hers.  Of course, so I was teaching her last night.  Her centerpieces, she found some beautiful glassware and candles at the dollar tree! Lol.  This is a woman who is very thrifty and everything she is doing is so cute.  She bought a $10 chalkboard, a $5 dollar easel thing and a $1 box of chalk and made this sign the other night that said, "Today, two families become one.  Pick a seat, not a side" and it will be displayed at the doorway.  How cute is that?  My DH secured the place where we got married (the whole playground thing with the room and kitchen at the Police Dept. where he worked).  They are just using the room and kitchen to get married so we got it for free for 4 hours.  She's been buying table stuff, cups and plates, etc. all at the dollar tree.  So she is spending very little but doing some cute ideas, and paying for it all themselves (their wishes).  We even told her we would purchase DH's shorts, they didn't have to do that.  Nope, she got them and found his and YS's for $6 on clearance, this time of year.  Royal blue polos for $10 bucks and they are done! Lol.  That's what YS wanted as her colors are royal blue and tan.  YS said he wears a uniform every day and wants to be in nothing that feels uniformish (is that a word?).

The really bad part is, now YS and FDIL are saying they are going to tell them not to even come to the hospital if they can't act like human beings.  They are showing their true colors and YS/FDIL are both so tired of it.  They are doing themselves in.  They are turning a time that should be fun and joyful for them into drama and stress.  I am being supportive and letting them handle it, but dang if I don't want to email the hussy and tell her what I think of them both doing this to them....I keep refraining....I keep refraining....I keep refraining....

As far as FB being a problem, it really isn't the problem, they are.  YS only has access to internet, no phone, no texting so it has been a lifeline for us to contact him quickly and have conversations.  That's the only way most of the family can contact him and he is enjoying getting the emails and funny stuff from MOST of the family, as everyone else is very uplifting and sweet to him.  FDIL blocked SM last night and YS says he is doing the same.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Doe on October 04, 2012, 06:37:03 AM

So FDIL is upset because she feels like all this is her fault...which we have assurred her it's not.


Welcome to the family, FDIL! 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on October 04, 2012, 06:52:34 AM
Ha ha ha....that's what I keep telling her....
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Footloose on October 04, 2012, 06:58:23 AM
Fdil is lucky to have u and u her! Sounds like DS chose well! Bless u!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: pam1 on October 04, 2012, 07:41:13 AM
Shame on them!  It sounded like FDIL was even willing to buy their outfits!  The norm around here is the bride picks out, but the attendees pay.  She was trying to go the extra mile and got slapped in the face.  I'm angry for her. 

The upside with all this is that she and YDS are finding out now how difficult they can be, rather than when the baby comes.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Monroe on October 04, 2012, 08:40:08 AM
Thank you everyone for the supportive responses.  FDIL has no desire to have some over-the-top wedding.  Last night was spent making her Sister's bouquet.  I made all of mine for my wedding and have done 3 friends for their wedding.  I love to do them and they turn out well.  FDIL knows this, and asked if I would show her and help her do hers.  Of course, so I was teaching her last night.  Her centerpieces, she found some beautiful glassware and candles at the dollar tree! Lol.  This is a woman who is very thrifty and everything she is doing is so cute.  She bought a $10 chalkboard, a $5 dollar easel thing and a $1 box of chalk and made this sign the other night that said, "Today, two families become one.  Pick a seat, not a side" and it will be displayed at the doorway.  How cute is that?  My DH secured the place where we got married (the whole playground thing with the room and kitchen at the Police Dept. where he worked).  They are just using the room and kitchen to get married so we got it for free for 4 hours.  She's been buying table stuff, cups and plates, etc. all at the dollar tree.  So she is spending very little but doing some cute ideas, and paying for it all themselves (their wishes).  We even told her we would purchase DH's shorts, they didn't have to do that.  Nope, she got them and found his and YS's for $6 on clearance, this time of year.  Royal blue polos for $10 bucks and they are done! Lol.  That's what YS wanted as her colors are royal blue and tan.  YS said he wears a uniform every day and wants to be in nothing that feels uniformish (is that a word?).


This wedding sounds absolutely charming.  Creative, original.  Can I come?   I see a young couple who have their feet on the ground, heads on their shoulders, focusing on their life together, not on a "keeping up with the Jones" ceremony that lasts only a few hours.  Good for them. 

Pooh - how do you make the bouquets weeks in advance?  Artificial/silk flowers?  Would love to know - so I can copy when my time comes. 

As far as visiting in the hospital - - the mom shouldn't be overwhelmed with visitors while she is in labor - - only visitors she wants.  And the hospital will probably discharge her in 24-48 hours after delivery - so hopefully she can get right home before the awful step-mother shows. 
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on October 04, 2012, 01:45:15 PM
I do them Monroe with artificial flowers.  You can do them with real flowers, but much harder and you can only do them a day in advance.  They are really simple to do and it's really about playing :)

If you have a local craft store, you just need the bouquet ring and then there is a Styrofoam insert with a handle that goes in the middle.  I use hot glue on everything and glue it in place.  I pick two or three substantial size flower (like a rose or daisy), then a smaller flower.  We get the less expensive bundles of them and then you just cut the stems where there is about 2" remaining.  Put some hot blue on them and stick them in, in whatever pattern you choose.  You can do them for symmetrical for a more formal look, or more random for a casual look.  I start with the 1st substantial, then the second, then the other, then the smaller.  Then we take baby's breath and fill in some, then I use the leaves from the flower bundles, and glue them in between.  I usually finish with a few small picks of beads, or glass stems, ribbon...whatever you want.  There are so many choices in the bridal section of little picks with some bling.  I cover the back of the bouquet ring with leaves (if it's plastic), pressing them flat and then glue the coordinating color ribbon around and around the handle.  You can experiment and leave some flowers and greenery longer in the front and make a cascade down the front and if the bride wants that, I add a couple of pieces of the ribbon trailing too if she wants.  I just did trailing greenery down the front of mine.

I promise it's not hard and you just keep filling until you're happy.

This is a picture of mine for my wedding.  The one in the front was mine, the other two for the bridesmaids.  I think I did all three of mine, plus used the leftover flower and did 3 boutonnieres and 2 mothers corsages for like $60.

(http://i1121.photobucket.com/albums/l514/VelcroPooh/flowers.jpg)
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on October 04, 2012, 01:55:24 PM
Also notice there are daisies in mine, but not in theirs, and I had yellow roses and they had the same color yellow but in a different flower.  I like to make the bride's bigger and a little different to be special.  They make a small bouquet ring and a larger one.  I use the larger one for the brides.

Also, FDIL is having a planned C-section so they all know when it is and then will have to stay for minimum 3 days due to her still not having a piece of her skull in and she's high risk because of it.  Just the waiting room for all of us.  We asked her if she would rather us not show up and wait at home, but she wants us there.  I'm thinking if they tell them not to come and that they will call and let them know, they may not show up.  She has been telling her Mother what has been going on too and her Mother is ready to spit nails about them as well.  I don't think they want to come and have to face both of us...there will not be a friendly face in the crowd.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Monroe on October 04, 2012, 06:33:43 PM
Pooh - thanks for the lesson on the flowers.  Yours look great.    I have seen some beautiful silk flowers in Hobby Lobby - so that would work great.

I feel for your FDIL and DS - but I am sure with you there to protect and guide them both they will be fine.  Plus her mother will be there, too, so it sounds like FDIL will have all the support she needs - and the armed forces to keep SM at bay.   ;D

Best wishes to all of you.
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: luise.volta on October 04, 2012, 06:41:25 PM
I am having a vicarious experience. I am blocking DIL and SM from my reality and having a ball being part of planning the wedding. I love the "taking sides" sign! What fun!
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: elsieshaye on October 05, 2012, 07:34:56 AM
Keep refraining, Pooh.  You're doing a wonderful job being supportive of them without overstepping.  Sending my best thoughts for your DS and FDIL in the coming weeks, and for you and your DH.  Deep, cleansing breaths...
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: pam1 on October 05, 2012, 01:55:04 PM
Those are beautiful, Pooh!  What can't you do???
Title: Re: Completely done with DIL/SM
Post by: Pooh on October 08, 2012, 06:47:07 AM
Lol thanks.  I can't whistle Pam!  Never have been able to, it comes out a squeak!  :o  I love making things.  Part of it is because I'm a cheapskate, and part of it is because I just love doing it.

Monroe, that's my favorite store and I watch for sales.  At least once a month, they put the silk flowers and the bridal section for 50% off.  Plus if you have a smartphone that can access the internet, they usually are running a coupon constantly for 40% off a regular item.  You can pull it up on your phone and they will take it.  Go to the bridal section and they have probably around 50 different picks with bling, pearls, feathers...whatever you need.  If you decide to do it, just remember this....when you start and get it about half way full you are going to go...ummm...umm....this is awful.  It looks funny until you start getting it really full.  Just keep glueing stuff in there and filling it and once you get it all full, they look great.  FDIL was disappointed in hers yesterday, so we went back and started just adding more, and then made the cascade down the front and now she loves it!  The fuller the better.

Luise, I keep pushing my invisible block button too!