Dear lovely wise and wonderful women
I have not been here much since I first posted about my daughter excluding me from her wedding. The lies and unpleasantness are reaching epic proportions- mainly because I have kept away and not made a personal stand to stick up for myself- believe me walking away has made me feel in one respect a lot stronger. I am actually enjoying my own life for the first time in forty years. Do I want to go back into all that nightmare?
My elder sister is over from Australia for the wedding and made sure she booked a place far away enough so I could not just pop in and see her when I was free from work. She has visited for one patronising hour(this is old stuff and continues to this day) and that is it. I have not seen her for 7 years though up till she arrived we had been having some good chats on Skype and many laughs. In person she was not very pleasant and I felt like I had seen her for the first time.
I feel like I have lost my whole family over though I have gained a life of my own. People around me know something is up but I cannot bring myself to discuss it as so many women seem to love this kind of intrigue and I am sick of it.
Just would love some kind words.
My painting of Mary that I am doing whilst praying for all abused mothers is coming on well- after some struggles- Mary is one powerful presence.
love to you all
You have my kind words and deep respect. None of this is about you and you are getting the brunt of all of the negativity. Good for you for focusing on your life, your talent and Mary! Sending love...
Bless you missus V
Hi there my sister from another mister! (or a dysfunctional family like mine)
It is very possible that you have grown out of your families dysfunction and you no longer fit in because you have become more healthy! God bless you for focusing your good energy on those who can appreciate it and you. I wish you peace during this trying time. Maybe take a vacation in person or in your mind away from it all and act like it is not happening. It really is not happening to you if u are not there. You are free from all of the drama and bullying!
Sometimes families are like rotting flesh on the body ad the only life saving measure is to amputate. it is not the end but the beginning of healing and wellness! I am looking forward to a preview of your heartfelt painting:) Hugs <3cu
Quote from: Constanza on May 12, 2012, 12:17:46 PM
I feel like I have lost my whole family over though I have gained a life of my own.
Some people never get to experience what you've gained - it's priceless. I love that you're focusing on Mary.
I want to spend the rest of my life working on my spiritual self. It's almost as if I had to go through all the family stuff to make me realize what was important for me to focus on at this point in my life, so I hear what you're saying!
For me, it isn't a smooth path. Each day, I pray for peace and the strength and wisdom to see things as they really are, accept it and rein in my overactive imagination, and make wise decisions. Some people have more of a straight and easy way through it, Constanza, but I have not had a smooth road. Having these times of misgivings and turmoil does not indicate we've lost our way, you are on the right path and making progress but some days still hurt and some times doubts still arise, and this is highly precipitated by events like weddings, holidays, etc. No matter how much I remind myself of this and think I have made 'advance preparation', it seems I always fall back into the pit and have to climb back out again. I thought you made an important comment about keeping these things to yourself, I understand what you are saying and respect and support you in this. And by the way, I also have one of those patronizing, smug older sisters that I have chosen to be very cautious with. But I still think that our goal should always be to heal relationships if possible, and not be too hasty to cut those ties, life is hard and none of us do it perfectly. Maybe you and your sister can start over, and give her some time to get to know you as you are now.
Hi Ruth, don't feel alone...we have all fallen into the pit.....just don't decorate there! Continue on with the climb out. You'll get there. ;)
You wonderful and holy people. I have taken all your comments into my heart and the wisdom. Ruth I truly appreciate your words and hope that perhaps one day all will turn around and improve- even just a little. But for now I will take that mental vacation as far as possible and distance my self from the rotting flesh of dysfunction- I have never thought of it that way and it is so apt, I'm amazed.
Love and hugs to all you brokenhearted women who have so much beauty inside that our poor families cannot take it.
XXXXX
I know what you mean, Constanza. I need a time out from my family too. Part of me secretly envies you for being banned from the wedding. I have to attend a wedding soon and I mostly just dread going. So many people there I have family ties to, but who at best, misunderstand me and at worst, outright despise me. I would just rather skip the whole thing. Most of the guests would be delighted with that, but for those who wouldn't understand, I will suck it up and put in my obligatory appearance.
I'm banned from my DS's upcoming high school graduation. I was told I didn't deserve to be there. The rejection hurts, of course, but not having to sit through twenty boring speeches on a sunny Saturday afternoon really doesn't. 8)
I guess what I'm trying to say is this. We didn't choose to be banned. But since we are, the best thing is to enjoy the ban. And not feel guilty about enjoying the peace. At this point in my life, after everything I went through and still am going through, all I want is peace. If they can't be nice to me, they can ban me all they want and I will consider it a favor, considering the alternative. I'll take solitude and peace over abuse and hostility any day.
I hope you find a way to enjoy the wedding day. Peace be with you.
Dear ConstantMargaret
You will find a new family in new places. The poor, the lonely, the rejected, the despised, the outcasts, the people banned from family occasions! In a way it is our greatest blessing to be in this place- if you believe in Christ, you are there sharing the pain of the world with him. If not, he is sharing it with you whether you believe or not and this is true and holy work.
I did a beautiful visualisation meditation with a group of women who come to seek help and support for their problems and upsetting life. Mostly people listen and give support but as an artist I have been asked to paint with them. We draw each other very badly, and we laugh and giggle - especially about the beards that seem to appear from nowhere) and we forget everything except what we are doing with our art materials. The meditation was about a allowing this wonderful turquoise blue cloud descend into us and fill every part of ourselves. Calming, warming, succouring. We are Beloved. We are Beloved. We are loved. This is very powerful and reminds us there is a source of love outside our wretched families that is ever present and can be called on every time we need it.
Peace to all of you here.
Quote from: Footloose on May 12, 2012, 02:55:36 PM
Hi there my sister from another mister! (or a dysfunctional family like mine)
It is very possible that you have grown out of your families dysfunction and you no longer fit in because you have become more healthy! God bless you for focusing your good energy on those who can appreciate it and you. I wish you peace during this trying time. Maybe take a vacation in person or in your mind away from it all and act like it is not happening. It really is not happening to you if u are not there. You are free from all of the drama and bullying!
Sometimes families are like rotting flesh on the body ad the only life saving measure is to amputate. it is not the end but the beginning of healing and wellness! I am looking forward to a preview of your heartfelt painting:) Hugs <3cu
Footloose, welcome to the site. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted topics under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit and that all policies are understood.
Thank you Constanza.
Those words were exactly what I needed today.
Knuckles still dragging the floor from a difficult weekend....Margaret you always have just the right thing to say. Of all the human emotions, I don't think any rival the pain of rejection. Many of us are taught to even love our enemies, and to do good to those who despitefully use us. I'm know I'm not alone, it's part of our human experience and at times our own family members can become our fiercest and cruelest enemies. Love should empower us to get ourselves free from the pain of rejection, because it doesn't seek any compensation, doesn't pay any attention to a slight, doesn't have any expectations - I think it would be the most freeing thing in the world. For myself, having a son who thus far has lived his life as a consumer only, I think it is my only hope of having any peace of mind and I have reached the point in my life where I will, I must, find this inner peace.
Dearest Ruth
If we think about it, Christ was the most perfect man and filled with love and yet he had to face the ultimate rejection and horror. He could not change all hearts, so why do we beat ourselves up when we cannot change the hearts of our children who choose to be hateful and hurtful? He also tells us that if we receive no welcome in one place we must take back our peace, dust off our sandals and walk on to the next.
This we must do for the sake of our sanity and wellness.
Even saying this, I spent a few hours with with my spiritual director and talked the family issue over and even then was the comment about forgiveness slipped into the conversation as if I should just forgive and make amends and sort things out. It is not like that and you dear people know this only to well. Yes I will forgive and pray to forgive but this does not necessarily mean I will be reconciled to my hurtful daughter. She also must make some changes and choices to make full reconciliation possible- see story of Prodigal son. The father could do nothing until the son returned and had learned- how wonderful it was when that happened. True forgiveness is not giving in and being a doormat, martyr or victim of abuse. It is the willingness to love hard and stand back and wait with patience and be ready to run out in welcome when the chink of light hits the troubled one.
much love to everyone here
One awful truth is, (and its little spoken of these days) is that the children who caused so much of this suffering need to be forgiven also, it isn't just a one way street. I used to think about going to my Pastor and seeking wisdom and guidance for my issues with DS, but long since decided the futility of that. Only people who have found themselves in this vortex can understand the position you are in. Forgiveness and 'trying to work things out' are a very small part of it, I'm sure there's not a mother here who hasn't given this a thousand tries, the problem is that when your child lacks the motivation to make peace with you, or finds it entertaining to wield this power over the relationship, or devalues you as a human being and the possible contribution you might make into their life as an adult - you cannot fix this with overtures of forgiveness. We are consigned then to wait... and this is a hard saying. For many of us, I do not think we have it in us to get ourselves out of the turmoil, but here is where I see faith comes in. I've accomplished countless things in my life that were, for all practical purposes, impossible. This has taught me that my abilities and my own will power and determination aren't the final say. I have also found that I face the greatest opposition when I am actually moving out of one phase, into another. Sometimes you just have to hold fast, and watch expectantly for help to arrive at the time you need it most. does this make any sense??
This is the pattern- and makes absolute sense to me- it is like dying many times and starting again anew each time but our broken hearts are softened in this process- it is what it is to become truly human.
I just want to caution everyone about delving too far into religious aspects here. We have a diverse group with many different spiritual choices on this forum. We try to steer clear of getting to far into subjects that might offend others that don't feel the same way.
Thanks,
Pooh
Sorry Pooh,!
No problem Constanza. I have my beliefs as well and am proud of them.
Honee :P
I've been following these posts and wanted to share a huge lesson I learned through all the surprise, hurt, shocking revelations, humbling situations, and tearful acceptance of what is: (some of us already know and some of us are still learning when it comes to our current relationships with our AC): We can influence another person's thought life and hope a certain thing for them....but we cannot make a person think a certain way or do whatever we hope for them to occur. The thought life is the most intensely personal part of an individual. As we learn to transition from our old life of raising our children and being/feeling responsible for them in every way, we have to realize that after a point, their decisions and actions are not ours but their very own. I have been through countless moments of feeling like a failure when I look at the final product of what I raised. I can say some days are better than others for this. Some days I look at DD though after all her mistakes and think she is such a lovely mother when I see the way she interacts with my GD. Some terrible things have happened when I thought otherwise but as time goes on and healing (and learning to let go) takes place, I know that she is on her own journey and I am on a separate one. I have concluded (finally) that every single thing they bring on themselves is not our fault or our choice. They are also learning to spread their wings and fly in early adulthood. (of course, do we ever stop learning how to spread our wings and fly?!) My MIL once said to me recently that "your repsonsibilty is over after they turn 18. Whatever they choose to do after that is their own doing." (only she doesn't know the 1/2 of what has happened). But still, she is right. My own MIL has been through the thickest muck with her own DD so she knows a thing or two at her age of 75. I can honestly say that these lessons have been long and hard for this 47 yr old mom. It's nice to have other moms like you on this site and older and wiser mom's like my MIL to lean on when as "do life together".
Time has a way of changing things and our feelings can change like night and day. I know that certain situations are bound to change as history has pointed out, nothing will stay the same. We have to be careful with our thoughts when we feel extremely down knowing that these situations are not "forever". Whatever we're going through right now, will inevitably change again. We can consider that where we are on in life presently is mere "transportation" to get us to the next dimension of our lives. Where we are is not necessarily our "destination" as it can feel like at times.
Warmest thoughts to you Constanza and everyone.
Beautiful firelight. Completely beautiful.
p.s. Constanza, just so you know, I embrace my faith as well. I even had to change my "stage name" for this site in the beginning. However, I really love this cyber family and I find that I can still interact while keeping my faith in a way that is nonoffensive to others in that respect but still encouraging for others (I hope anyway). I have to admit it took a little practice to tone down my natural passion about that, but I was also not willing to let go of these WWW! So you will learn, too, to travel through it in a new way. I'm glad you're here! ;)
You are extremely wise and I agree completely- this is a very special place with filled with wondrous souls and I am happy to comply now I understand. My love for the suffering servant is so great and one has to learn to temper ones feelings in accordance with those around us for the sake of the whole. This is obedience and service too.
Dear sisters in suffering,
Today is day before the wedding and I woke up feeling very vulnerable and tearful. My heart is about breaking in pieces and there is my elder sister presiding over and getting involved in my daughter's day. My brother is also going - he never goes to anyone's anything. I have just received a call from my sister's husband asking me if I would like to have Chinese meal tomorrow night after the event with my sister and brother as if this was the most normal thing in the world. There has been no attempt at asking me how I feel or acknowledgement of what I am going through. I am just being picked up and put down to suit their arrangements as if I was some outsider. I want to tell them to shove it big time but then that would simply confirm in their eyes that I am some kind of lunatic and completely justify my DD's attitude.
My brother was physically abusive when I was younger and when my mum died he made sure he did not tell either myself or my two sisters for a year until probate was sorted in his favour alone. Then we found out Mom had died by chance- our mother disowned all her daughters when we were teenagers in preference to brother. Now I am supposed to sit opposite him after their family day and take all the crap he is going to throw at me.
Since my sister has been over from abroad for this event she has deigned to see me at home for one hour, visited my church and did a great service which was filmed and then disappeared. She arranged to stay just a bit too far away for me to travel to easily so I could pop in and chat after I finish work.
How the hell do you respond to this nicey, nicey civilised crock of hypocrisy?
One small light is that I am seeing my elder son for dinner tonight with his new girlfriend- he actually told me he loved me for the first time in nearly two decades. He married an Indian girl when he was eighteen and spent the next sixteen years doing just what his younger sister is now doing. So I guess he set the precedent that I could be treated badly. Now he has met a lovely girl and her influence has made itself felt almost straightaway as he is just like the young man he used to be again. He, at least, has a handle on what is going on.
At the moment I just want to pack up my life and go live in the desert. I am trying not to think of it and failing.
love to you all
This is all tongue in cheek! Put on your big girl panties, buy yourself a honking big tiara, a feather boar, all the sparkly stuff you can possibly imagine (on the cheap) and go have yourself a good ole time. If you drink, have a glass or 20 of wine, think only good thoughts for yourself and have a good time.
In reality, try to think that this too will pass. We never know what the motivation (or lack thereof) provokes people to act like they do. I will be thinking of you and hope you can tell them all to go jump in the lake or off a bridge somewhere. You are bigger and better than all of them put together.
All the serenity and peace that usually is evident in your posts is gone. Can you in your beautiful way kindly thank them for the invitation but tell them you already made other plans? It doesn't sound like you really want to go.
Whatever you decide, draw the line at being phony and letting go of your peace.
I understand your desire to run away to the desert. I'll meet you there. :)
Hi Constanza!
I partially agree with FAFE. First of all, your letter sounds angry (and rightly so because you are very hurt and in pain right now and you are reacting, which I get).....However, don't let your feelings carry you away. Our feelings can change like the wind. I know when I went through my own DD's issues, my heart hurt so bad I thought I might die literally or drown in my tears. The feelings do pass somewhat though. Don't let this be your destination, but your transportation to the next level, dear sister.
What I would do (and that doesn't mean I'm telling you to do this) is: This is your daughter's wedding. I would try to live my life right now with no regrets. I would attend and look as fabulous as I could. Put on some bling. Hold your head high and smile. If you really want to do something, ask how you can help. I know the day is right around the corner though but I would still ask. Don't get sucked in to any arguments that would ruin your day as mother of the bride. Show them some class if anyone attempts to do this and refuse to let it take you over should someone start something....steer clear of it and carry on and continue to enjoy your day. Don't let 'em steal your joy. If someone asks how you're doing, smile and say, "I'm doing great! Thanks for asking!" Sounds like everyone has it all planned out (and must have paid for it too, which takes the heat off you). It is what it is. Say something wonderful to your daughter....Google something if you're at a loss for words. You have to live with you. (no regrets).
I don't think FAFE read your last letter (innocent enough as it can be hard to keep up with all the letters on the site sometimes). I would strongly advise you do not drink due to what you have expressed in your last letter about the alcohol addiction issues. I would take my AA phone number with me in my purse and have virgin drinks or soda or something else. Under a stressful situation, I doubt the alcohol would improve anything with anyone and may make things worse. I only suggest this because of what you have voluntarily shared in a previous letter. Not only that, but not everyone drinks at weddings. At my DD's wedding I was surprised how many people didn't. Some did and some didn't.
Tuck in your purse some positive affirmations if you need to and read them in the potty if you have to to remind yourself. Or wear a nice bracelet with some meaning to remind yourself not to drink (embrace your sobriety) or associate it with something spiritual (you won't feel "alone") or a positive affirmation, or maybe it will just remind you to hold your tongue. Sometimes just using the K.M.S. method (keep mouth shut) will avoid a tremendous amount of trouble should someone try to bully you in any way, at least at your daughter's wedding. There's a time and place for everything. :-) When you look at your bracelet (or some token you take with you), you will be reminded (I do this at times) and no one else will know). Also, as the day progresses and there is alchohol and/or trouble in the air, that will be your cue to offer the newlyweds your best wishes and exit stage right. Go home, put on your comfy clothes and prop up your feet with a good book or have a nice little reward waiting at home for yourself (anything that strikes your fancy) for getting through the day in a classy way.
Go on girl, you go watch that daughter of yours get hitched. Hold your head high....look fabulous....smile.....live your life today with no regrets. Count your blessings. That's just me though. It is what it is. Accept it and live it one day at a time. ;-) You can do this becaue you're awesome like that.
A friendly reminder: We can't change another person's thoughts or actions no matter who they are. We can only influence them.
We can only control our own. ;)
P.S.S. don't forget your camera. 8)
Sorry if I was offensive in my post on the drinks, but as I stated it was all tongue in cheek! I should have said lots of chocolate instead. So I will just say if you do attend any function with any of your family, chin up - boobs out. Lots and lots of bling and plenty of smiles all around.
Dear constant margaret
Thank you for astute observation re serenity gone astray- but I guess at this point I am indulging in my true feelings and I am a real human being after all! My serenity will return. You are right I do not want to sit next to my brother and be all sweet and nice just so my sister can say how wonderfully she has done with managing the family.
To Firelight, re reading earlier posts, read carefully. I am not an alcoholic- I responded to someone who has suffered from alcoholism- that does not automatically make me one. Though I will have an occasional glass of wine that is it. Neither am I invited to my daughter's wedding so I can't just turn up and be this that or the other as you suggest but bless you all the same for being so positive.
FAFE- not offended in least- wondrous thought.
Constanza, if you are not invited, how can you go? as for the invitations from the "Bad Brother" and "Snarky Sister's" exploits, I say "Forgetabout them all".
Run off to the desert, Sahara or someplace closer, find an oasis somewhere and enjoy the day away from these manipulative and hostile people. The only thing that actually connects you to them is biology, and that can be forgotten if they don't treat you in a respectful and kind fashion.
It's been almost a year since I wasn't invited to my son's wedding and my life has gone on, and I'm grateful that the dramas and finger pointing and guilt tripping aren't part of my life.
Some of these adult children are playing the "I didn't have a perfect childhood, so now you are going to have to pay, and I'll punish you however I can"
Guess what? they can't unless we let them and yes, it is the height of rejection, but why would I want people who reject me in such a cruel fashion in my life. The fabric of families has changed a lot in the last few decade or two, but longing for how things were supposed to have been won't help much, there's a mourning process for how we expected things to be, but after the mourning process, while extraordinarily painful, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
Get through the next couple of days as best as you can and then drive on, and put the pedal to the medal to get to that oasis and have a joyful, peaceful life where you are the architect of your future years.
Good luck,
KG
OMG! I am so sorry Constanza! I just went back to reread some posts and I totally mixed up 2 different posts from 2 different people. I humbly apologize. My response to you was inappropriate since I confused the 2. Please forgive. shame, shame on me for not being more careful. I feel like an idiot. Once again, I am apologize. :-[
OK. reread and refocused. (or maybe I should use my own K.M.S. method?)
Anyway, follow your gut. If you really don't want to go to dinner with your brother, you can just decline. It sounds rather stressful and who needs it. It is odd they are asking you to do that when they must know things aren't right at the moment. Or, you could go and when the bill comes, go to the bathroom or stare out the window. :-)
And there's always answering machines and caller ID's. You could just ignore the call if you're so inclined. Just follow your gut no matter what you do. My wise wonderful grandmother used to tell me (rest her soul) that if someone wants you to do something and you don't want to do it.....don't. She used to say "you will be the only miserable one." After all, it won't bother the other party at all except that they get their way. So if you don't have peace about it, don't do it.
FAFE, I like the way you think even if we can't help the situation. You make me smile! :)
There are no door mats here on WWU! No sir.
First of all, the thing I find that sets this site apart from most others is that we all acknowledge here that we are human beings, merely pots of clay, who not only make mistakes ourselves, but we reach out to one another with open, loving hearts, so ready to forgive and find our way back to each other. This is the glue that has kept me there. I have revealed myself here with no pretensions, I write when I'm strong, I write when I'm weak, I write when I'm angry... I write. I always know I can go home, and be welcomed with open arms, this is, I hope, what we will always be here - home to the homeless. Firelight, I love your letters. Constanza, I think every one of us who have written for any amount of time at all on this site know that our emotions ramp up when we are approaching one of those red hot events, i.e. the weddings, new babies, graduations, birthdays, and so on. If we were not fragile inside, we wouldn't be here. We rally around you on this day, and extend to you a portion of our own strength and peace, take it, its yours. We share it with you joyfully and freely. None of us can stand alone. The road is long and very hard, and there are times you need a shoulder to cry on. All of us understand, and if ranting works for a time, then do so. If crying works, then do so. The main thing is, just get through the day. This isn't a time for working on issues or self examination, the red hot events are only survival mode times. Tomorrow, you can pick up your paint brush again and be guided by your heart. You will continue to heal, because nothing on earth has the power to stop that. But along that path, you will fall down some days and maybe roll down the hill backwards a few feet, or a few miles, but you are an overcomer and you will get up and start walking again. Only one broken heart to another can understand this. Shalom.
Ruth, that was absolutely perfect! Well said, dear sister.
Constanza - Are you there? I hope we hear from you today.
Constanza, I am so sorry I am late to this thread. You are an inspiration.
If I had been in your shoes, I simply would have made plans to be away this weekend to visit really good friends. There is something to be said for getting yourself physically away to a different place. Couple that with good friends and you can't do any better.
I do hope during this weekend, you took the time to remember the gift you are. You truly are.
Constanza, my thoughts are with you also. I love to see your painting, being creative helps us to lose ourselves in times of pain and strife.
Ruth, thanks for your thoughtful and enriching contribution.
Dear C. I'm sure that a lot of your friends here would like to hear from you.Hugs!"