I locked my boyfriend out tonight and now can't sleep. He has been coming home later and later for this reason and that reason then does not answer his cell when I call to ask him where he is. Tonight he did the same, I called and called-no answer. At 11pm I locked the door (I put a dead bolt on last time he was doing this and did not give him a key).
I played by the rules with my kids and x-husband- did everything I was supposed to do and more. Tried to be loving, caring and treat everyone respectfully, never spent money, worked hard at home and work. I don't get what I have done wrong that everyone thinks it's okay to mistreat me- my x cheated and hoarded our money for himself, my ACs act like I don't exist, now this one who I have let live with me for practically free, cooked his meals, took care of everything in the house inside and out so that he could do things he wanted to do. My heart is broken again, I am so sad and wondering what the point is to life. I am 56 and have always done what I was supposed to do, but why?? Other people don't and they seem better off. My x who was bearly around when the ACs were younger now is part of their life more then I am, and has money to spend (money that should have been mine too), money that if I had I could spend on them too. Now I am barely making it on 18000/yr while BF spends his money and only occassionly gives something for the bills. I thought life was as hard as it could get, but it now seems like a bottomless pit.
Sounds like you know the answer allready. He needs to be kicked to the curb. You certainly deserve to be treated much, much better than this. Make it all about you and go forward and find yourself a new passion and a better life. You have made changes before and can do it again.
So sorry Kate. You will have to forgive me for saying this, but I'm still trying to see the bad side of this. He was spending money how he wanted without contributing? You were cooking, cleaning and doing everything for him and he still didn't have the courtesy to make a phone call? He was disrespecting your relationship by his hours he was keeping?
Kate, it sounds like this is a good thing. You don't need that kind of relationship. You deserve better.
Oh, Kate, I think you need to fine tune your own rules and early detection radar. From what you write, BF's been doing what he's doing for a while without getting kicked out and he probably took it as tacit consent.
What can we do to help you make your heart stronger? Maybe it's time to focus on other things besides husbands and men and AC?
Kate, my first thought is that a lot of us here put up with disrespectful treatment because we're afraid of losing someone we loved & being alone. But if we continue to put up with it, we lose the first person we should love - ourselves! As painful as it was to contemplate losing a relationship when we were younger, it's scarier to think about being alone when we get to a certain age. Our society keeps telling us that there's an expiration date on us women, but I choose to believe that's not true.
Take this break to regain your center and become empowered again - who knows what wonderful things are out there for you? Maybe there's something or someone right in front of you that you couldn't see because you were involved in the drama of your last relationship.
As far as playing by the rules goes, I sometimes wonder the same thing. DH & I consciously avoided the pitfalls other ILs get into, but the demanding, buttinsky ILs (DIL's FOO) are the ones that get all the attention from DS & DIL. Who knows why? It makes no sense. But what are you going to do? Life goes on.
Thank you all so much for listening- don't know what I would do without this right now. It is so hard because I do love him- but I don't know why. I can't believe I found the strength to lock the door, I think it came from this site and the strength of the women here. I just hope I can make it through this, it does not feel like it right now.
K. - We make choices and they can't be perfect because we aren't...we're human. Our job is to love ourselves enough to un-make those choices, when necessary.
You matter...a lot. I got, early-on that I didn't matter and maybe you did, too. We may not have contributed to that at all but we can fix "it/us." For a long time I had to keep reminding myself that I am fine just the way I am. I don't need to apologize, change or explain myself. I matter because I do. The same is true of everyone else and so your boyfriend is also fine just the way he is. He's just not your cup of tea. (Whew!) Sending love...
Search your own heart, Kate, and try and make yourself step away from relationships, until you can get the time to take inventory. You must be brave to do this. I learned that fear has been the ruling factor in my own life as far as intimate relationships go - husband, child, foo. I had a deep engulfing gear of being rejected and abandoned, not that its all gone and good right now, but I know that little devil now and can deal with it when it rears its head, because insane behavior on my part ques me in. example - just today, dh left for work without telling me goodbye, and gave me a dirty look. My first feeling was gut sickness, I could sense myself flying ahead in my subconscious to how am I going to make it on my own, how do I deal with another divorce, etc. all this because he acted like a jerk and gave me a dirty look. So I phoned him and asked if I had offended him in some way, he can be very childish and petty at times, I know this as I've lived with him for many years, and he explained it was payback for some little thing I said which was completely taken out of context. So I was polite and am now going about my day. I know this is a dumb story to read, but I'm giving you an example of guilt motivations and how we stay in very bad relationships and stay entangled in very bad relationships for many reasons other than 'love.'
This is an aside. I know this thread is serious but what you just wrote, Ruth, reminded me of when my former DH and I used to have a spat before we left for work and he would call me later and say, "I'm so sorry you were bad."
touche Luise! ...and by the way, I meant to type 'dumb story' rather than 'dump story', but maybe it was a freudian slip?
I changed it. I couldn't find a dump in there anywhere!
Yes I definetly (how the heck do you spell that!) have abandonment issues, and the dumb story is so true sometimes. Also right, he is not my cup of tea, we simply are not compatible- he wants what he wants, and I want what I want. I need someone who is here for me, share meals, go places, go for walks- whatever. He has no time, make no time to do things together. I think I am really not his cup of tea at all. I think he does have feelings for me, but wants his freedom. The past few years he mostly comes home late, eats, goes to bed- seven days a week including holidays except for Thanksgiving/Christmas when we usually go to his parents.
I lost myself about five years ago. It was so gradual I did not notice. Then one day I noticed how awful I felt. I used to be so enthusiastic about life -working, taking classes, happy. Now I do nothing and see no one. I have a few people that I talk to on the phone, and this site. I cannot believe how I fell into this for love, trying to be who he wanted me to be.
hi Kate ....
today is the first day of the rest of your life .....and he doesn't feature in it !
you are worth more than second best !
Some one is out there for you , better than what you have been settling for .
Happy hunting !
About hunting- my friend thinks I should go on-line right away to ease the pain. I feel I should wait until things settle down, but then this pain could use some distraction. Have any of you met your spouse or SO on-line?
My take: Get to know yourself first. To move on to another kind of relationship often requires doing some personal growth and kind of "cleaning out the closets" of your thoughts and emotions about who you are.
Breaking external patterns and preferences often requires breaking inner ones. Don't go hunting for a new guy yet...hunt for "you," first, and you may end up attracting a different kind of partner. Sending love...
Dear Kate
Better alone than in bad company. I am so sad that you feel this way. We all have "these"days in which we feel so low that we dont want to continue on. We feel that our life has no meaning. Änd we are so wrong... our life always have a meaning because we are special and loving and have much to offer. But the first thing we have to do is to learn to love ourselves for what we are, and start from there.
I am sure you will have a brighter tomorrow.....it is your decision....we can make the best of our lives if wwe want.
Hold on.... You know you also have us.
Sending Love
Hi Kate. I really feel for you, and I also feel at times no one else plays by the rules and they are rallied around and adored and can change the rules just because. I don't know what that is,co-dependency or whatever. I have no advice, just compassion, and "I hear ya". My FOO, AC, inlaws, they do whatever they want. The rules only seem to apply to me. I know we arent' the only ones but it does seem like it. My newest saying, "do the next right thing". you are in the right, not him, no doubt.
Kate, I did meet my now DH online, but it wasn't a dating site and it wasn't either one of us looking for dates. It was pure accident. I'm with the others. Find yourself first and know what you want and who you are. I went into mine quickly after a 21 year marriage with someone like your BF, but I had withdrawn about 3 years prior to the divorce and started searching for myself again. That contributed immensely to the divorce as I did an about face the last three years of our marriage and stopped babysitting him. So even though my divorce was rough, I already knew who I was again by then.
Well its been three nights now and I have not heard from him and he did not come for his clothes or anything. I thought maybe he would come back and apologize, hoped I guess. I knew by his behavior over the past years that he no longer really loved me, no birthday/Christmas/Valentines gifts or cards, no songs shared, hardly any time together. I just kept holding on to the good moments and hoping they would come back. I feel like such a bad person, maybe I should not have locked him out, maybe I should not have expected so much. All I can think of is that I want my life over, unfortunately I know I do not have the courage to to do anything. But I can't eat, can't sleep, can't go out, and hang on the window waiting for him to come back. If he does I don't know what I would say, do I want to try and work this out or not, I don't know. I feel like maybe I was taking his freedom to come and go as he pleases. I would not have minded it if he had given me some time, but I had to complain when it became no time.
Like swans and penquins I mate for life, but I guess I did not find a swan or penguin, must be picking crows or something.
You were not taking anything from him. Sounds like he doesn't have a clue what a relationship is and was wanting someone to be there for him, do everything for him but yet still live the single life by running around doing what he wanted. Stop blaming yourself for his problems. Kate, you matter and there will be someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated. Your job is to learn and accept that you deserve to be treated well.
I know your statement was made because you are hurt and upset right now, but I need to remind you that we are not a crisis website and we are not trained professionals. If you are truly having those feelings, please seek help immediately and talk to someone.
Kate :
You have to stay mad ...and not weaken !
He's not worth the effort you are putting into running yourself down .
He is the one at fault ....not you .
you are worth something better than he is offering ....which is zilch !
Quote from: Kate123 on January 27, 2012, 04:58:58 AM
Like swans and penquins I mate for life, but I guess I did not find a swan or penguin, must be picking crows or something.
Crows & ravens also mate for life. I think this guy is a lower life form, and you deserve better! I agree w/Pooh that you may need to speak to a professional to get out of your cycle of sadness and onto the business of living your best life. Of course we're here for support, Kate.
Can you pack up his stuff and have it ready to go?
Quote from: Kate123 on January 27, 2012, 04:58:58 AM
Like swans and penquins I mate for life, but I guess I did not find a swan or penguin, must be picking crows or something.
Now that's a picture - a swan mating with a penquin...
I'm OK, do not need crisis intervention- there is nothing they could do to fix my problem and like I said I have no courage.
I did not know that about crows and ravens, they seem like such independent birds. Guess it is humans who don't mate for life.
I know the advice here was to wait before dating but I feel at my age I have to do it now, and also for something to do to get out of this dilemma. Thanks so much for being here ladies you are all very kind.
Kate, I feel your pain. I agree that maybe set up an appt with someone who can get you through this touch,dark time. If you have enough people to talk to and keep you strong and busy, great. If not, like I think alot of us women or we wouldn't post here often at least, find someone to help. We all go thru pain, but we're not all so hard on ourselves. I am, so I understand that painful feeling of sadness. I believe you can get thru anything if you have enough people to support you. If we can, email me and I could even give you my phone #. That's what helps me, having enough people to get me thru, and the phone is one of my helps. Keep telling yourself the truth,not lies.
I did finally meet my husband online an it's been wonderful. But, when I think about it...I think it's all about timing. After being disappointed with men and relationhips, I finally started to focus on ME. I kept myself busy with work and then I went back to school. (Great distraction) Met other women like me who wanted to improve our lives. (My classmates are now life long friends). I think if I had met him before working on me, that I would have been rebounding or desperate and it might not have worked out as well as it did. I was really screwed up at that time. Staying busy kept me focus on ME and I got stronger and grew as as a person. I think by the time we met online. I was a better person.
I feel for you soo much. I know that fear and it took alot of beatings, mental and physical abuse and 18 yrs from husband no1, 3 months a broken nose and a beating with a 20 lb barbell from no2, for me to finally ask the right question. It wasn't how am I going to survive alone at this age, it was what is broken in me that I pick these kind of men, then asking how do I fix it. Lucky for me I was able to face some of my demons by the time no 3 came along, I still made him wait a long time before I said yes. I am not healed by any means and still deal with alot of issues. I am fortunate DH tries to be so understanding and gives me a little push when I start to fall back into old self doubt. I live a very happy and peaceful life despite issues I share on here. I have learned that it may get me down but wont keep me down. My advice is to look on the inside rather than for someone on the outside. Life and love can be better and we do deserve it. At least that is what DH keeps telling me lol deep down I know it's true. best to you
Thank you BD. Right now I feel I am in a state of shock. I haven't even visited here in a while because I feel I can't contribute. I have always had someone to take care of, never have been on my own. My few friends are busy with their SOs and so I can't ask for help. I don't know how people get through times like this and it sure feels hopeless. I have my heat on 60 because I can't afford the oil. My DS told me to move to Florida, which makes it feel like he does not even care if I am around. I went online for dating but that is getting me nowhere. This is not a pity party- just an explanation on why I feel at the end of my rope. I suffered some abuse, mostly verbal, not physical like you- I admire you for getting up and moving on, I can't imagine how you did it. I hope that time will get me through this but right now I can bearly get out of bed let alone go volunteer somewhere or find a job. Thanks for your help-it really does help to hear from others.
K - Please don't stay away because you feel you can't contribute. The time will come. This site is for all of us, always. It is no easy task to turn the kind of corners we are having to turn...and for many of us, certainly for me, is has been an off-again/on-again process. Our peace lies within. We weren't taught that...we were taught it was external...and so the endless search began. All things external are temporary, whether positive or negative. What lies within, if nurtured...stays and grows. Sending love...
Baby steps. Kate. Pick one little reason to get out of bed. When you can do that regularly, add another. My heart goes out to you. You are worth getting out of bed for! I hope you find your way soon.
I know it is hard, after no 2 i would goto work and come home and lie in bed crying till I fell asleep, that went on for 4 months. You know what it did get old finally. Some days I would have to convince myself just to take a shower. Awful I know. Please keep coming and reading. It's kinda like going to church every sunday, maybe this week the sermon didnt speak to you but you never know what next sunday will bring. There are times the pain from my AC situation overwhelms me and I dont feel I can contribute but then I read that thing that touches me and can help turn my day around. Keeping you in my thoughts.
prayers and hugs Kate....do what Pen said, you really have to force yourself at first to get up,stop thinking, do the dishes....just because. I remember depressions so bad, getting the bowl down from the cupboard for my cereal seemed impossible. Then I was thankful to have a few dirty dishes to do, otherwise I would sleep or walk in circles in my house(cape cod, downstairs goes in circles!). I know I sound crazy, but I'm not. I started to make myself try the little tips friends and books had said to do. I started to feel better just doing anything, no matter how mundane, rather than thinking and sitting or lying. Try it and again, you have my number, you can call this eve. if you want. God Bless, tiny, tiny movements forward, onward,outward, not inward!
K - Please know that we aren't qualified to help when you are in crisis. And only you can define whether this is a crisis or not. It sounds really serious to me. We can support, share and suggest but sometimes a professional is needed to help you get from point A to point B. I, too, have known disabling depression and, for me, it took an outside professional in my corner to turn the tide. Sending love...
Hi Kate,
You keep saying you have no courage. Courage is how you locked the door to your so called boyfriend the other night. You have it. It's in there. You didn't just lock a door. You said, "No. I will not tolerate this behavior anymore."
I'm proud of you. It took guts. I know you're feeling down right now, but that's normal after any relationship breaks up. Time will work on that, even if you don't feel you can help yourself along right now by getting out and doing things.
Best wishes and keep the faith. Things can always turn around.
ps. It's time for a new set of rules. Your own. Your life, your rules.
CM