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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: jkm426 on March 01, 2010, 02:14:39 pm

Title: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: jkm426 on March 01, 2010, 02:14:39 pm
Well my FDIL has decreed no mother/son dance at the event/wedding(not joyous).  I know she wants me to be hurt...wrong, I am just mad as HE!!.  My son keeps saying he is sorry and will make her allow one, but I told him don't bother.   That way everyone can see what a selfish and uncaring person she is....this was not said to him, but his siblings, grandparents and extended family.
It is beyond me why anyone would go out of their to make future family dislike you...
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2010, 02:24:24 pm
I'm so sorry. I remember the stress of DS's wedding like it was yesterday and having to dodge landmines at every turn. You're in my thoughts, JKM. And hey, how can she stop your son from asking you to dance???? It may not be an "official" dance, but he can ask the DJ or band (on the sly) to play the song you want and none will be the wiser. It was very important to me, I would have been crushed if I'd knuckled under on that one.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 02:54:34 pm
Pox on her!!!! >:(
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Sassy on March 01, 2010, 02:59:54 pm
Obviously every family and situation is different. 

A friend of mine did not want a mother-son dance at her wedding specifically because she was estranged from her abusive father.  She felt a mother-son dance would highlight the lack of father-daughter dance, and she did not want that that painful reminder on her wedding day.  The groom agreed to spare his bride's feelings.  At first her MIL was distressed by the decision but after she explained her reasons, her MIL understood.

Since DIL has not told you this decision directly yet, perhaps there are deeper reasons she hasn't yet explained to you.




Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 03:05:59 pm
There you go! Good plan. No "he said/she said" stuff. Get it from the horse's (oops!) mouth.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: jkm426 on March 01, 2010, 03:17:03 pm
Oh, father daughter is on...No she wouldn't tell me,  that would mean she had to acknowledge I exist and (horrors)interact with me...
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Sassy on March 01, 2010, 03:17:23 pm
And just because the deejay doesn't announce it as an official mother-son dance, doesn't mean you won't get to dance with the groom to one of your favorite songs.  ;)


Whoops - Pentasmen already noted that.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 03:24:44 pm
Well, could you ask? It seems like treason is in order! How awful!
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Marilyn on March 01, 2010, 03:34:06 pm
I agree,could you ask?I would want to know why she felt this way.

Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: renny97 on March 01, 2010, 03:41:58 pm
We stop joy because others don't have it?????  ???
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 11:40:07 am
Quote from: jkm426 on March 01, 2010, 02:14:39 pm
Well my FDIL has decreed no mother/son dance at the event/wedding(not joyous).  I know she wants me to be hurt...wrong, I am just mad as HE!!.  My son keeps saying he is sorry and will make her allow one, but I told him don't bother.   That way everyone can see what a selfish and uncaring person she is....this was not said to him, but his siblings, grandparents and extended family.
It is beyond me why anyone would go out of their to make future family dislike you...


so your son is going to marry her anyway?????

If I were him, I'd run and keep on running....my brother and I spoke right before they were married...he said he didn't want to marry her, and I told him, DON"T!!!  He wouldn't listen....10 years later, she was cheating on him...your family knows, and so, does a mother...a mother just knows...and if your son marrys this woman, he will be in for a lifetime of pain, and so will you....it only gets worse after they are married....

God bless you all....
boy if, I were you, I'd sit him down and ask him to go to counselilng before he marrys this woman, and I'd also ask him, what it was that he did in his life that he feels he and his family deserve so little?

He should have his head examined....sorry....I know he's your son and you love him...but you have no idea how ugly this is going to get for everyone...women like this, should never be mothers...and someday, she will be the mother of your grand children....sad...
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 11:50:39 am
Does anyone ever listen? Please, someone, tell us a story about a person who listened to what he/she didn't want to hear, changed his/her mind and acted on it. Please...(even if you have to make it up! ;D)
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Scoop on March 02, 2010, 11:57:51 am
Luise - for you.

We didn't have a family picture of my IL's up in our house.  This bothered my MIL, but she didn't approach it very diplomatically - her line was "There's no picture of Mummy & Daddy in your house, it's like you're ASHAMED of us!"  I will admit that I dug in my heels and refused to put one up, my excuse was that we only had the one from our wedding, and we had enough wedding pictures up in our house.  I should note too that this picture was out of date, that a BIL and 2 DN's were added to the family since then.

I mentioned this to my aunt, and she said that it would hurt her feelings to see a picture of her DIL's family up in the house and none of hers.  And I took it to heart.  So we made a plan with MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and the DN's and we all trucked over to Sears and got a family picture done that included ALL OF THE FAMILY.   And I display it in my house, right next to my family picture (which is now outdated too).
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Orly on March 02, 2010, 11:59:31 am
Nope, sorry Luise.   The only one I can tell you about learning new behaviors, is my puppy......and OMG does it take some heavy duty reasoning with her!     If I could take a roll of newsprint to my out of line family members,  I'd wear my arm out and still not make any headway.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 12:16:29 pm
Oh, I like that group photo story. I made a collage of us and all of our sort of kids (9) plus Kirk and gave one to everyone for Christmas.

Val got a Digital Picture frame for his 98th with hundreds of pictures of Val's relatives on it that I have never met and he can't remember. It takes up very little room and I can turn t off! ;D ;D

And I like the newspaper story. What we need is more pets and less relatives!!!   :D
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Orly on March 02, 2010, 12:18:58 pm
Oh, BTW Jkm426.

If your son isn't happy about not having the mother/son dance and wants to have one.....leave him to go to the mat on it.  It is his wedding too!  Really, just from my pov, I see it as an opening salvo shot on whom is going to "rule" in the marriage.   They need to settle these relatively minor issues now before a major issue comes up.   (No, I don't think your feelings are minor.  This is an issue of control between them...you just happen to be in the line of fire atm)  If he gives way on his feelings now, she is going to expect him to give way on deeper issues later.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: renny97 on March 02, 2010, 12:38:09 pm
Thanks, C, I thought I misread something for a minute?

I love my pets, I love my pets.....

I agree, Orly, I think it is a "power" issue and not for reasons given. It starts early on......
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 02, 2010, 01:10:45 pm
Quote from: jkm426 on March 01, 2010, 02:14:39 pm
Well my FDIL has decreed no mother/son dance at the event/wedding(not joyous).  I know she wants me to be hurt...wrong, I am just mad as HE!!.  My son keeps saying he is sorry and will make her allow one, but I told him don't bother.   That way everyone can see what a selfish and uncaring person she is....this was not said to him, but his siblings, grandparents and extended family.
It is beyond me why anyone would go out of their to make future family dislike you...


One of the saddest and worst things Close DIL ever did to Distant DIL is to not include a picture of her at all in her and son's baby book or even a picture of her in their house.  She had one of son, DDIL's husband but none of her,not even a snapshot.  Agreed, DDIL did great damage to our family...but I can't stand anyone being hurt like that. I honestly don't know how I fell for CDIL at all now. At the time DDIL was being so rude that I naturally went toward CDIL.  She used us to death.  Oddly, DDIL's husband was the kindest son and did not, as I can now see, know at all what his wife was doing.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: catchingup on March 03, 2010, 08:45:17 am
Quote from: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 11:40:07 am
Quote from: jkm426 on March 01, 2010, 02:14:39 pm
Well my FDIL has decreed no mother/son dance at the event/wedding(not joyous).  I know she wants me to be hurt...wrong, I am just mad as HE!!.  My son keeps saying he is sorry and will make her allow one, but I told him don't bother.   That way everyone can see what a selfish and uncaring person she is....this was not said to him, but his siblings, grandparents and extended family.
It is beyond me why anyone would go out of their to make future family dislike you...


so your son is going to marry her anyway?????

If I were him, I'd run and keep on running....my brother and I spoke right before they were married...he said he didn't want to marry her, and I told him, DON"T!!!  He wouldn't listen....10 years later, she was cheating on him...your family knows, and so, does a mother...a mother just knows...and if your son marrys this woman, he will be in for a lifetime of pain, and so will you....it only gets worse after they are married....

God bless you all....
boy if, I were you, I'd sit him down and ask him to go to counselilng before he marrys this woman, and I'd also ask him, what it was that he did in his life that he feels he and his family deserve so little?

He should have his head examined....sorry....I know he's your son and you love him...but you have no idea how ugly this is going to get for everyone...women like this, should never be mothers...and someday, she will be the mother of your grand children....sad...


And when her children are getting married and her DIL treats her the same way and if this forum is still around she will be posting here. 8)
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 05:06:11 pm
HA!  Yes, she will be posting here!  She will be livered!  I believe that is called karma!
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Pen on March 04, 2010, 06:30:05 pm
Scoop, I know you said the group photo story was for Luise, but I am loving it, too. My DIL hasn't put up pics of us and it does hurt our feelings. Granted, we're not as 'good-lookin' as her family, but still.....Thanks for sharing! You're a wonderful DIL!!
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 06:48:22 pm
OK, ladies.  I missed something somewhere...

What group photo's? 
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Pen on March 04, 2010, 06:54:46 pm
Read back. I should quote more often, sorry.
Quote from: Scoop on March 02, 2010, 11:57:51 am
Luise - for you.

We didn't have a family picture of my IL's up in our house.  This bothered my MIL, but she didn't approach it very diplomatically - her line was "There's no picture of Mummy & Daddy in your house, it's like you're ASHAMED of us!"  I will admit that I dug in my heels and refused to put one up, my excuse was that we only had the one from our wedding, and we had enough wedding pictures up in our house.  I should note too that this picture was out of date, that a BIL and 2 DN's were added to the family since then.

I mentioned this to my aunt, and she said that it would hurt her feelings to see a picture of her DIL's family up in the house and none of hers.  And I took it to heart.  So we made a plan with MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and the DN's and we all trucked over to Sears and got a family picture done that included ALL OF THE FAMILY.   And I display it in my house, right next to my family picture (which is now outdated too).
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 04, 2010, 06:57:28 pm
Gosh, did somebody leave the gate open??  I opened this site and out comes so many posts that I don't know where to start.  Lord!! So nice to hear from every one of you!!! I love you all. 
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 06:59:11 pm
Touche, Scoop!  Such is the life of pictures!  It's one of the reasons I don't worry about them anymore...

Something is always out of date! ;D
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 07:01:51 pm
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 04, 2010, 06:57:28 pm
Gosh, did somebody leave the gate open??  I opened this site and out comes so many posts that I don't know where to start.  Lord!! So nice to hear from every one of you!!! I love you all.

We love you too Chickie!  Welcome back home! ;D
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 04, 2010, 07:02:45 pm
Thank you, you sweet tea girl...Love you!
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: jkm426 on March 05, 2010, 03:52:36 am
Today I am a proud mother.  My son told me he informed his DF there would be a mother/son dance and wonder of wonders, I get to pick the song.....There is hope for that child after all...
Funny, I know some of theses DIL's will be the mothers of sons and will face the exclusion they try to foist on us.   Karma is a b*ich.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Scoop on March 05, 2010, 05:02:44 am
Yahoo!  JKM - I'm so happy for you!

Forgive me, because I don't know how weddings are where you are.   So there will be a FOB/Bride dance and THEN a MOG/Groom dance?  That just seems like a lot to me.

At our wedding, we had our first dance, then we had a dance where I danced with my Dad AND my MIL danced with DH.  Then after a bit, my brother (Man of Honour) brought in my Mom, and my FIL brought in my SIL (Best Woman).  Almost at the end of the song (Because You Loved Me - by Celine Dion), I danced with DH again, MIL & FIL, Mom & Dad, Bro & SIL - but I have to say it worked out perfect for us because of the numbers and the people.

I know that you've won the battle, but really, I hope you're not at war with your DIL - it will just lead to unhappiness.  So can you throw her a bone (through DS of course)?  Tell her your top 3 choices of songs and then let her "help" you decide which one to use (so it's not the same as hers & DH's or hers & her Dad's).  Or else offer to dance with DS while she's dancing with her Dad.

Oh man, I haven't thought about my wedding like that in a long time.  I'm all happy now.  My Dad passed away last year, and one of my favourite memories was dancing with him at my wedding.  I have to say that "our" dance at my wedding was NOT the "father / bride" dance, it was the "New York New York" song (you know "Start spreading the news ....")  and that was completely un-official.  So please don't hang your hat on the perfect song or the perfect dance, because it might just turn into something else.

Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: renny97 on March 05, 2010, 06:23:51 am
 :) So happy for you, JK!!!!!!!! It isn't about winning, but rather a precious moment you will always remember!

I wasn't aware of it [tradition], until my son brought it up. He told me the song he picked out and because we were treated so badly by DIL's family from that day forward, that moment, was one of few that they would not be able to tarnish. My mother and me were able to have pics of us dancing with son and grandson because we took OUR OWN pictures!!! Be sure to have someone take pics, in case, there happens to be "excuses" as to *why* none were taken of you both. And, *why* no pictures "show up" in their house afterwards--like, their "shelves are too full with IL's pictures"!  ;) It is horrible to have to think of your son's wedding like this, but, it is true.

Also, be prepared, to be treated with *cold shoulders* by ILs. Do not, think you are imagining this. They are "gaining"; closing the "deal" and almost as if you are seeing the demise. Not to be too negative, just a "head's up."

Karma is a bite, for sure.....lol  ;D
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Pen on March 05, 2010, 07:47:46 am
The Mother-Son dance was one of the highlights for me in a very stressful situation. I'm so glad we did it, and I'm so happy for you, JK!! Your son is a wonder. I think he'll stick up for you when it gets intense, but he may have to pick his battles. He loves you!

After two years we still haven't been able to see DS & DIL's wedding video. We had to ask over and over again to even see the photos - I'm glad now that I had my own camera there.

DIL's parents pushed hard for this marriage and now shun us. They won't even come over and say 'hello' when we're attending the same event. DS told us not to go to them because it was "their problem, not yours." I read into that, "They'll treat you badly if you go over there and I'm trying to protect you from any more pain." I should have gone over, it's my nature to do the right thing. Next time, if there is a next time, I will. It's so weird.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 05, 2010, 07:57:26 am
Penstamen,
I am so sorry.  I am.  I don't understand this and never will.  Someone's Mom and Dad treated like this~! It's very disheartening.

The thing is is that if you say much to him, he will tell her and then the battle will get worse. I hope that's not the case for you but it so often is.  You (We) just have nowhere to take our hearts in these things.  Not even to our son.

It really hurts to see him change.  I know that husbands and wives are a unique team and that's the way it is and should be.  I do not think for one minute, though that their team means they should exclude HIS family.  It is often the case.  This treatment is not reserved for her family. 

Absolutely not fair.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: renny97 on March 05, 2010, 12:48:40 pm
Chicki,
You said perfectly, what I have experienced and have tried to put into words fifty different ways. We recognize and acknowledge our son's getting married, but none of the same basic principles and courteousy ever apply to the ILs. It IS unfair, and why, we are so ticked off. We know it isn't right. "We aren't supposed to feel slighted by this unfairness."  :(

Just for wanting a picture of an important day in his life, is viewed as a big "injustice" or "interferring." Just a few minutes, is viewed as a intrusion of everyone's time?

I never dreamed this is the life of a son's mother.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Sassy on March 05, 2010, 01:02:22 pm
JKM Good news!  Good for you, good for your son, good for the future, too.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 03:24:37 pm
Happy news is alway the best!  I believe you have reached a place where your son realizes you are still his mother, and I would believe there were alot of conversations there.  You should be proud of him for standing up for you and wanting "that special dance" with his mother.  It's the most important day in his life and he wanted you to be included!

YAY!  I'm so happy for you, and I'm hugging you! ;D

I hope you're smiling...
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 05, 2010, 03:30:27 pm
Isn't she lucky,  Coco?  Gosh, to be able to stand up to his wife to be now!!  That takes courage. 
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 03:34:05 pm
Absolutely,  something to be proud about!  I'm sure you will choose a wonderful song...

I have to go take someone for an errand.  Will be back around 8pm though! 

You ladies hang in!  I love you! :)
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Marilyn on March 05, 2010, 07:32:20 pm
JKM,Thats great !!!Now you can have a wonderful time at the wedding.
And you might want to make sure you start your holiday plans,get to-gethers,well in advance.Let your DIL know your not trying to keep her from her family,and will compromise so it works out for everyone.If you don't,your side of the family might end up left out.If it doesn't start out being fair,it's way to hard to get them to give you family time.
Good luck,and keep us posted
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 07:35:55 pm
Wise Women,  gotta love em! ;D
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: RedRose on March 06, 2010, 07:24:32 am
Quote from: jkm426 on March 05, 2010, 03:52:36 am
Today I am a proud mother.  My son told me he informed his DF there would be a mother/son dance and wonder of wonders, I get to pick the song.....There is hope for that child after all...
Funny, I know some of theses DIL's will be the mothers of sons and will face the exclusion they try to foist on us.   Karma is a b*ich.


This is wonderful news jkm. I know you will cherish that dance. You son will too.
You have a wise son.   

I remember the song I danced to with my son...Simple Man (Lynyrd Skynyrd).  Funny...the lyrics apply to him NOW too.
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 06, 2010, 07:31:39 am
Rose, that is so sweet just to know you had that dance.  I'm so glad it's in your memory box.  Sweet Treasures Memory Box. :)
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Pen on March 06, 2010, 07:32:01 am
RedRose, I'll have to give it a listen. Our mother-son song was "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You" by Van Morrison (we like it better than the Rod Stewart version, sorry Rod fans!)
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: RedRose on March 06, 2010, 07:41:54 am
Sweet Treasures Memory Box.....I like that  :)

I used to love that song penstamen !
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: renny97 on March 06, 2010, 07:44:53 am
"Wind Beneath My Wings." By Amy? Beautiful song. "Did you ever know that you are my hero?"  :'(
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: Pen on March 06, 2010, 07:51:49 am
I'm in tears here! Full-on, mascara running!
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 06, 2010, 08:02:06 am
crying with you, Penstamen. :'(
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: luise.volta on March 06, 2010, 08:26:25 am
What a bunch of "slobbering-sweeties!!"

No weddings in my clan for a while and  I tell you this... if my t granddaughter (who is in college) gets married, I am going to put a contract out on her!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: RedRose on March 06, 2010, 08:30:46 am
 :'( I know Luise
Title: Re: No Mother-Son Dance
Post by: luise.volta on March 06, 2010, 08:41:52 am
Well, my post didn't print right. I was trying to use bold type underline the word "Great" and it dropped it out.

So, if my "great" granddaughter (now in college and threatening to grow up) got married...I would feel so old I would just have to do her in to get past it!  ;D ;D  (I've threatened her with that and she just laughed her head off.) Mother of the bride is one thing...and grandmother of the bride is OK...but great grandmother of the bride doesn't look too great to me! (And this is all tongue in cheek, of course...we need a tongue-in-cheek smiley face!)