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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: thesecondwife on March 01, 2010, 01:52:01 pm

Title: Boundaries
Post by: thesecondwife on March 01, 2010, 01:52:01 pm
I'll need your help ladies! My M is sweet, but takes constructive criticism hard. Very hard. How can my BF and I set up healthy boundaries with my M and D with out hurting anyone's feelings? I have been extremely stressed out lately. :( My M and BF kind of butted heads this weekend and I don't like being in the middle.
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: jkm426 on March 01, 2010, 02:04:46 pm
I HATE that word as though MIL's are puppies who need to be trained.  If you have an open relationship, why not just say whatever you need...."Call a little later on Saturday...Have other plans this weekend....I hadn't thought about doing it that way(and then do what you want)  that is great advice, I'll consider it(and do what you think is right)...Thanks for the offer, but we have it covered...it was sweet of you to offer.
Life doesn't have to be a battle of wills.   
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2010, 02:09:56 pm
I agree with JKM...speak with love in your heart, like you would any other person in your life. Be considerate! Remember, we moms put our lives, our hearts and our souls into raising our kids and keeping a home while working other jobs in most cases nowadays. To suddenly be "out" can be devastating! Be kind...
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 01, 2010, 02:12:28 pm
agreed...just be nice. 
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 02:51:21 pm
One way not to be caught in the middle is to be careful not to get inot "he said/she said"...just say tell him/her that, not me" and bow out.

I also help me to remember that others are responsible for their own reactions. It's the "what you think of me is none of my business" thing.

Good for you for tring to work on this stuff.  8)
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 01, 2010, 02:58:21 pm
My brain's fried.  Come back later
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 01, 2010, 02:59:46 pm
Miss Cocobars...you get your little self back here....we need you!!!  Miss you so much when you're gone!! :)
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 03:03:30 pm
Hey mercy, C/B...it was her first day on a new job. My remembrance of that is that at the time I wanted to look the smartest, I was, due to circumstances beyond my control, the dumbest. I would come home on the first day and say to myself...congrats, Luise...you now know where the bathroom is! No wonder I worked for myself most of the time. At least all of that was self-contained!  ???
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: Sassy on March 01, 2010, 03:07:12 pm
Quote[why not just say whatever you need...."Call a little later on Saturday...Have other plans this weekend....I hadn't thought about doing it that way (and then do what you want)  that is great advice, I'll consider it (and do what you think is right)...Thanks for the offer, but we have it covered...it was sweet of you to offer.


Great advice.  Direct and polite should do.  No need to criticize what she did in the past, just state what you'd like in the future.

And keep on stating it, if/as necessary. 
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 01, 2010, 03:12:09 pm
I know she's tired....we need to give her a few minutes....

I'm counting...... 8)
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 01, 2010, 03:16:56 pm
Before any of this happened to me, I was watching Larry King on TV.  That darling Carol Channing who was the original Broadway star in Hello Dolly was the guest.

Larry asked her about her only son (grown)

She said she no longer saw him and Larry asked her why?  She told him his wife didn't like her and it was either her way or the highway.

Larry said, "Carol, who couldn't like you?" 

She said, "his wife doesn't"

He told her not to let this go on!!  And she just said she had been trying for years with his wife.  Her son is her only child and this was terribly hard for her but she had to go on.

I was stunned!! Somebody didn't like that little darling?  I couldn't believe it.  I guess people are different in real life, for sure but this took her by surprise.  I never forgot it.  This happens to famous people too. 
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 03:20:41 pm
I wonder if someone sets out to not like another person whether it matters who or how they are? What an awful thought!
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: renny97 on March 01, 2010, 03:53:49 pm
Chickie, Isn't it interesting how we remember things like that on TV? It is like the first sign we are not alone. Like, the almost psychic prediction as son and me watched that movie about young girl that lies about abuse to snag her b/f through emotional blackmail and gain his sympathy. Son, believed she was telling the truth.

I think, Angelina Joliet' and her father were estranged, too.

Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2010, 09:58:18 pm
I agree with Luise - in a lot of our situations it seems DIL/MIL wouldn't like us no matter who we were or what we did. So we might as well be ourselves and let it play out how it will. I'm tired of trying to be someone my DIL might like when she's not going to accept me anyway. As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."

Boy, I sound brave, don't I? Whistling in the dark? I thought if I tried harder to be acceptable I'd get to see DS more often. As the notorious Dr. Phil says, "How's that workin' for ya?" Not so well, doctor.
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 02:39:54 am
I agree Penstamen!  It's hard trying to be someone you're not just to please someone else.  I think I'll just be me!  I do that better anyway!

Thanks for the thought! :D

Sending you magic crystals...
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 05:05:15 am
I'd like to suggest you sit her down and talk with her...if she takes it hard, it means, she is unable to view anyone else's feelings but her own...one thing I would not do, is tell her your BF feels this way or that...or it will cause animosity between them...I would explain to her, that your a grown woman and she needs to understand boundaries and change, which goes along with you setting up housekeeping...

She may not like it, however, she'll get over it...but you will also need to enforce whatever boundaries you set up...sometimes tough love is the most difficult exercise to do, however, in the end, it will help...

I just cannot understand some parents who think, b/c your they're child, they own a sense of entitlement to my home, privet life, etc....

Hugs and good luck...
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 02, 2010, 06:11:27 am
Quote from: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 02:39:54 am
I agree Penstamen!  It's hard trying to be someone you're not just to please someone else.  I think I'll just be me!  I do that better anyway!

Thanks for the thought! :D

Sending you magic crystals...


Dear Pen and Coco,

It's the hardest thing trying to fit into someone else's view of what you should be what you should do.  I did great with people, always. I didn't even have to try.  Fitting into someone else's idea of how I should be is not right for me or anyone else for that matter.   Sometimes an injustice can be inflicted.  It was. I do "me" better than anyone else so I pray I can get back to her.
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 07:24:22 am
That is why I'm not married, if I learned one thing from my DIL, I DO NOT want to wake up at the end of my life, in someone else's idea of what my life should be...I've seen way to many women ruin the life of her husband, b/c she demands him to be who she wants him to be, instead of loving him for him.

Way to many people do not allow they're spouces breathing room, quality time to themselves...yanno?  I believe it's good and healthy for a man and woman to do get away weekends with they're friends....

I could never again stand being smothered, and when I see how my DIL projects herself and her beliefs on my son....sheesh, makes me Praise God that I'm single....

and I mean no insult to anyone....but have seen this way to many times...people get married for all the wrong reasons....and then mold they're spouces into they're idea of who they should be....NO THANK YOU!
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: thesecondwife on March 02, 2010, 07:29:06 am
When I met my BF, I wasn't looking for anyone, just something told me to contact him. I'm glad I did! :)

But Creme, thank you! I did tell my M nicely to not call till 9ish and never mentioned BF. I think that is a reasonable time and she is better about it now. She automatically thought it was BF and still does even though I said I want to sleep in. She is an early riser and I like to lay in bed now and veg.

But she is better now and is ok with the new calling time. :)
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 08:51:03 am
Amen, C! Good to hear that. I have always loved separate bedrooms, retreats, space to just be me. Not popular concepts in my generation.

When a close friend insisted that I meet Val...I was a full-time RVer and told her "No, no guy for me! I don't ever want to negotiate my life with another person again!" LOL! And until he got severe memory loss and dementia, I had all of those things I so cherished...independence!  Yes! ;D

Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 11:26:41 am
Quote from: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 08:51:03 am
Amen, C! Good to hear that. I have always loved separate bedrooms, retreats, space to just be me. Not popular concepts in my generation.

When a close friend insisted that I meet Val...I was a full-time RVer and told her "No, no guy for me! I don't ever want to negotiate my life with another person again!" LOL! And until he got severe memory loss and dementia, I had all of those things I so cherished...independence!  Yes! ;D


I think it is possible to find someone who is allowing and can view they're mates need to be who they are.  so many many people compromise they're identities for they're spouces. 
It sickens me the way some people are so controlling....when I sit back and view my DIL and son, I am so thankful I am not married to someone like her...(anymore)  LOL...

I've never known someone who didn't try to control my life....

Funny, how when people are dating, they're only concept is the inability to not see the other persons needs, and some even try to stagnate your goals...career, etc...Now I'm not talking about hanging out in bars...however, if a spouse wishes to pursue a college degree, go away once in a while on weekend getaways with they're friends, I have no problem with that...

Luise, you were very lucky to have someone so insightful, and allowing.

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 05:15:35 pm
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 02, 2010, 06:11:27 am
Quote from: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 02:39:54 am
Dear Pen and Coco,

It's the hardest thing trying to fit into someone else's view of what you should be what you should do.  I did great with people, always. I didn't even have to try.  Fitting into someone else's idea of how I should be is not right for me or anyone else for that matter.   Sometimes an injustice can be inflicted.  It was. I do "me" better than anyone else so I pray I can get back to her.

I believe she's hiding somewhere close by and will be back when you are ready to let her come back out and "play!"

Feel that?  It's a very big hug...
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 02, 2010, 05:28:59 pm
Thank you, Coco...I want to be me again but I've stuffed me down so far now that I only let me come out sometimes.  It upset the DILs, after years of having so much fun around here.

I was somewhere today and the people were laughing with me...I have a dry sense of humor so obviously, even people I don't know "got it".  I never had anyone NOT get it till I met the DILs.

Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 05:37:58 pm
Maybe you need to go "somewhere" more often, so you can re-learn who that wonderful woman is with the dry humor! 
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 10:37:55 pm
Quote from: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 03:20:41 pm
I wonder if someone sets out to not like another person whether it matters who or how they are? What an awful thought!


It is this word "Trying" trying to get on with the DIL, trying to please. The more you try the more DIL will reject you because she will know you are "Trying"
I call it "Sucking up" Why should we have to suck up to anyone.People will like us less for it and see it as a weakness.

We are all differant. We can meet someone for the first time and just"Click" feel as if we have known them for years and other times we just dont connect with people.

When one of my sons ex-girlfriends met us for the first time she sat down and spoke to us for a whole half hour while my son showered and dressed.
I never ever had the feeling that she did not like me but certainly knew that she did not like some things I did and if I complained about my own short comings she would sit me down and suggest a solution.

She was "special". My son is special to me too but strangely it was my motherly instinct I knew this relationship would not lead to marriage. I somehow knew she would outgrow my son.
She still remembers my Birthday.

She managed to get my son to stop smoking and if that was her purpose to be around for 4 years I will be ever grateful to her and forever grateful for teaching me that a possible DIL can be a friend. 

Well brought up and taught to treat people with respect.

Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: luise.volta on March 03, 2010, 08:34:27 am
What lovely insights. I, too, have an ex-DIL I am close to. And to see that your DIL outgrew your son is so refreshing. It's OK...some people want to grow and some don't. It's not a right or wrong thing.

And regarding the post about the possibility that there are those who decide not to like a person they haven't yet met, I have been there. My step-son (SS)  and is wife did that. I never had a chance.
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 05:09:35 pm
Quote from: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 05:37:58 pm
Maybe you need to go "somewhere" more often, so you can re-learn who that wonderful woman is with the dry humor!


Hi Chickie!

How bout starting now, here!  I've seen that dry humor and we all need to laugh!  I still remember the fun coming in here with you!  You had me laughing so hard one night, I peed in my pants! 

Dont' give up on you!  YOU ARE SPECIAL and we get you here!
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: Pen on March 04, 2010, 06:26:40 pm
Right on. I can't imagine not hearing from Chickie in that wonderful, humorous voice of hers!
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 06:29:34 pm
OK.  Now you got me - I've never heard the voice, but read the words.  If you put a voice to that, that I would hate to think what could have happen to my pants that night!!!! ;D
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: Pen on March 04, 2010, 06:30:50 pm
You know, the "literary voice." Ahem.
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: renny97 on March 04, 2010, 07:07:37 pm
*******Chicks Rule!!!!******** ;D  8)  :)  8)
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 07:20:56 pm
Quote from: penstamen on March 04, 2010, 06:30:50 pm
You know, the "literary voice." Ahem.

HAHAHA!  Gotcha! ;D
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: catchingup on March 07, 2010, 03:02:47 pm

Oh girls talking about laughing so much that you pee in your pants.
Just thinking about it I sit here laughing.

I sell antiques on a South African site like Ebay. It is called Bidorbuy.
This guy had a crocodile head for sale and he said "You can use it for your MIL'S
photo but be careful that it does not tear the photo because the teeth are  very  :) ;) ;Dsharp"
I put it on my facebook page.
My son often comments on things I say on facebook but I did not hear a word on this one. I know my son--when he says nothing he is really thinking. :) ;) :D ;D
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: Pen on March 07, 2010, 03:19:55 pm
I'd love to see that...

Let us know what he says when he's done thinking about it :)
Title: Re: Boundaries
Post by: cocobars on March 08, 2010, 12:16:47 pm
Quote from: catchingup on March 07, 2010, 03:02:47 pm

Oh girls talking about laughing so much that you pee in your pants.
Just thinking about it I sit here laughing.

I sell antiques on a South African site like Ebay. It is called Bidorbuy.
This guy had a crocodile head for sale and he said "You can use it for your MIL'S
photo but be careful that it does not tear the photo because the teeth are  very  :) ;) ;Dsharp"
I put it on my facebook page.
My son often comments on things I say on facebook but I did not hear a word on this one. I know my son--when he says nothing he is really thinking. :) ;) :D ;D

Hi catchingup!

I'm happy you enjoyed the "giggle posts."  I felt bad the next morning when I realized we had put so many pages on Rose's wonderful bithday present post!  Still sorry Rose.

Wow!  Have you heard from your son yet??