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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: catchingup on February 28, 2010, 02:47:41 PM

Title: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on February 28, 2010, 02:47:41 PM

 My son and his girlfriend have been together for 9 years.I always found her pleasant enough and thought they were well  suited.
I had a terrible MIL. She was a Sergeant major in the army.I will let you know if I write a book.I vowed I would never interfere but tension arose between me and my sons future in-laws--I sensed it but brushed it aside.
My son confronted his girlfriend as he sensed it too.
I then got an email from my son (They live in the U.K.) asking me "Who do you think you are to say to her  aunt are these your illegitimate children"?
I was so shocked. Her cousin had 2 children outside of marriage.
I did not say this but did have a conversation alone with her aunt and when I met her grandchildren I asked her if these were her "little"grandchildren. I am sure the family have an issue with this whole thing and am sure she misheard me.
I am not a vicious person and am fully aware of the responsibilities of bringing up children and in fact felt a real compassion for her.
Then another story came out just as petty. my sons future MIL twisted something I said.
I might be wrong but I see his Future wife and her mother as 2 dangerous women who will do everything in their power to turn my son against me and I told him so.
I also said that if someone said to me or one of my family "Are these your illegitimate grandchildren "I would not have anything more to do with that person so give this advise to your future in-laws. Tell them they have my permission not to have anything more to do with me and take the advise yourself.
My son is a gentle loving person and I am now beginning to feel she and her family are not good for him.Sad how people can turn us against them.
I have also decided I will not say anything to her or her family so that they cant twist anything I say.
Fortunately I have my own interests and will not allow it to affect my life in any way.
Fortunately up to now my son has accepted my denial but he is the one who is getting hurt more than anyone else.
She loves him--sorry very selfish to hurt him then or just too immature to realize it

Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on February 28, 2010, 03:46:34 PM
I then got an email from my son (They live in the U.K.) asking me "Who do you think you are to say to her  aunt are these your illegitimate children"?
I was so shocked. Her cousin had 2 children outside of marriage.
I did not say this but did have a conversation alone with her aunt and when I met her grandchildren I asked her if these were her "little"grandchildren. I am sure the family have an issue with this whole thing and am sure she misheard me.
I am not a vicious person and am fully aware of the responsibilities of bringing up children and in fact felt a real compassion for her.
Then another story came out just as petty. my sons future MIL twisted something I said.
I might be wrong but I see his Future wife and her mother as 2 dangerous women who will do everything in their power to turn my son against me and I told him so.
I also said that if someone said to me or one of my family "Are these your illegitimate grandchildren "I would not have anything more to do with that person so give this advise to your future in-laws. Tell them they have my permission not to have anything more to do with me and take the advise yourself.
My son is a gentle loving person and I am now beginning to feel she and her family are not good for him.Sad how people can turn us against them.
I have also decided I will not say anything to her or her family so that they cant twist anything I say.
Fortunately I have my own interests and will not allow it to affect my life in any way.
Fortunately up to now my son has accepted my denial but he is the one who is getting hurt more than anyone else.
She loves him--sorry very selfish to hurt him then or just too immature to realize it
Hi catchingup!  Welcome!  It sounds like you're in the middle of a tangled web, and I can understand your feelings!  From what you're saying in your post, I'm guessing you already talked to your son about these incidents.  If not, I would call him and set an appointment to talk to him.  Ask him for about an hour of his time and block off the appointment.  Then I would explain to him that you didn't say those things and explain what you did say - just like you said it in your post here.  I would tell him how much I loved him and wanted to see him happy and get his take on all this.  Ask him if he knows any reason why they might twist your words like this.  I think he is just blindly in love and not thinking of the consequences later on.  He may not even realize he is getting tangled up in this awful web.

Being that he is an adult (and overseas), there's not alot I can think of doing, other than that.  Illegitimate is very similar to "little grandchildren" if said quickly.  I understand where the "misunderstanding" could come in, but also understand the "big red flag" you are seeing, and I would tend to believe the "red flag" theory first.  This is such a hard position to be in, and I don't have alot of advice for you, but hang in because I know you will get more opinions from other women here!  It sounds to me like you are in a catch-22 right now, but it's hard to tell without having a talk with him.  Does he know the family well (asking this question may spark a "moment of sanity, since love is blind."  LOL!).  Tell him you're concerned and ask him if he's ok (this seems to spark sanity moments too, at least it did for my son)?  Sometimes I think the silliest comments like that, snapped my son back to his senses.

Come in and post as often as you need to!  There are other women here who may have very similar experiences and can give you more insight with this.  I know it must be upsetting to you to be accused of things you aren't doing.  Take a few breaths first, if you talk to him, and that will help calm you down so that you can talk to him honestly and compassionately about his situation.

Hang in there and keep us posted, ok!

Sending you a big hug - I know you need one!  Watch for more coming behind mine! :)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Marilyn on February 28, 2010, 04:28:10 PM
Welcome catchingup,sorry your having to go thru this,and i understand your hurt.I agree with what Coco told you.They misunderstood what you said,and your son needs to know this.Talk it over with him,assure him that you would never talk to some one that way.
I'm hoping it will all work out for you,keep us posted.

sending hugs
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on February 28, 2010, 10:43:50 PM

 I have spoken to him and the worst part of this is,he is the one in the middle.
He is hurting because  of the conflict. He would like to see harmony between us. I want to handle this in a way that will be to my sons benefit without being disloyal to myself and becoming their victim.
His future in-laws cant wait for them to get married. He gets on well with the family.
My son lives in the UK but this may not be permanent although it could be. Her parents are in South Africa . I also live in South Africa.
She is persuading him to come back. I want them to stay there because I am not happy with conditions in Soutth Africa. Ultimately it is ny sons  decision but it irritates me to think he may be persuaded to come home because his future in-laws want them to.
The fmil said she wants a grandchild now. He doesn't have to get married "Just get my daughter pregnant". I see that as a trap.
My son told me this himself and was quite horrified by it.He has also spoken to his girlfriend and told her not to be rude to me.
I dont want to be a bone of contention in their marriage. I dont want to interfere at all but I am being dragged into a conflicting situation that this family is creating.
He is al;ready saying "You will have to sit at the same table as fin's when we get married"
Well blow me. Is this my fault??
When they are in South Africa my son comes with an verbal invite from his fmil. I see this as the height of bad manners. She should have picked up the phone and invited us  herself. She is unfriendly.I sensed it before all this came up.
They are here for the world cup in June and I have made it clear to my son that any invite is to be refused on the spot as I have no intention of becoming a victim of this family
I feel if I have no contact then I cannot be blamed for saying anything.
It is like a wall of protection I need to put up.
The family visited them in the UK in december and I have a feeling this matter was discussed because he now says OH!! The aunt said this not his finl.
I say they believed it--that is enough for me to see a red flag.Blood I guess is thicker than water.
What a life!!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: renny97 on March 01, 2010, 11:39:20 AM
CU,

First, it is good you see the signs early on. You have cleared up the matter with DS. You know, to keep comments to self now, especially, since they are already twisting your words. I know, that technique very well from son's ILs.

For me, it is almost liking the beginning reading your story. It really doesn't matter what you do or don't do...that seems to last a long time. It is there, the minute you meet certain people. And, usually it doesn't change. That is usually the most frustrating part. That "was" the worst.

Everything, is truly your son's call. It doesn't even seem to have to do with anything we instilled or didn't in sons. Thus, even though "we see", I am not sure anything can prevent sons from pursuing this person.

Many of us, try to ignore the strange DIL (or g/f) behavior, but they maintain enough contact to be able to say that we said something or did something so outlandish, we deserve to be at son's scorn.

I just had a thought. Some women, won't get a great guy unless they are aggressive. But, they just don't know when to stop. They never feel loved or safe.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 01, 2010, 01:03:11 PM
The strange thing about this whole scenario is that I have never felt in the 9 years they have been together that the two of them are not suited.
They make a lovely couple and I used to look at the photo's of them on face book and admire how happy they look together.
They are both well educated and have good jobs and everything going for them.
 Now I cant look at her photo without a feeling of contempt.

I visited them in England in June 2008 after all this had come out the previous December.
I am very independant and do my own itenery on internet and travel on my own
UP at 5am in the morning before they rise for work and back at anything from 6pm to 10pm at night depending on how far I travelled.

She was in the kitchen preparing lunch for work the next day and my son said" Maybe you could put something together for my mother"
Once she had sorted out their lunch she said "you can come and sort out your mothers sh...   --in front of me.
I think it just came out. This lady started changing my mind about her.

Still I think they are good for each other but I dont think she is good for me.
I really really never ever want to be an interferring MIL. (read my post under My MIL story)

When her parents visited last Dec. her mother phoned to ask if I would like her to take their presents with her.
She was very friendly on the phone but I have lost faith in the family--I dont trust her mother now and however much she may try and regain it I will always be wary.

Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2010, 09:47:56 PM
Rude, rude, rude. She wouldn't talk that way to a stranger on the street, but thinks it's OK to talk to her own MIL like that. Maybe we do need to call them on it, like a teacher would say to a student: "That was rude.  We don't talk to others that way. You owe the (class, me, DS, whomever) an apology."
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 02:26:20 AM
IWhen I read the posts on this forum and the problems mother-in-laws have it all seems to revolve round a fight to see the grandchildren and ill treatment from DIL
I had a terrible MIL and vowed I would not interfere.
My future DIL and her family seem to want to drag me into  arguments


I dont have grandchildren but I hope that I dont allow myself to spend my life fighting to have contact with them.

I used the username catchingup because that is exactly what I am doing now that my children are independant and no longer living at home.

I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please. ::) ;D

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.

I have 3 sons I can be proud of and the day my son is as rude to his FMIL as his girlfriend has been to me I will know I failed him

AMEN ;D ;)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 02, 2010, 02:34:23 AM
Hi catchingup!

I wish more people had your view.  I think life is so much better when I can just be myself!  I think you're very healthy and brave!

Have I given you a hug yet?  I am doing it now!  Thank you for joining our group here! :)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 02, 2010, 05:12:08 AM
IWhen I read the posts on this forum and the problems mother-in-laws have it all seems to revolve round a fight to see the grandchildren and ill treatment from DIL
I had a terrible MIL and vowed I would not interfere.
My future DIL and her family seem to want to drag me into  arguments


I dont have grandchildren but I hope that I dont allow myself to spend my life fighting to have contact with them.

I used the username catchingup because that is exactly what I am doing now that my children are independant and no longer living at home.

I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please. ::) ;D

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.

I have 3 sons I can be proud of and the day my son is as rude to his FMIL as his girlfriend has been to me I will know I failed him

AMEN ;D ;)

I love the part about not spending time with people who don't want you. Now, if only I could put it in practice for my heart.  I wish my heart knew those words!!!!! :-\
THank you, Catching....
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Barbie on March 02, 2010, 07:54:06 AM
I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please. 

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


I finally reached this stage, it took me four long years but I did it!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Marilyn on March 02, 2010, 09:42:25 AM
Catchingup,I absolutely love your attitude!!!!!!

"It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies."

As long as we keep rewarding bad behavior,things never change.Self respect is the only way to ever get pass the hurt. About 8 months ago,i had a "light bulb moment".After 6 yrs of my DIL treating and talking to me like i was chopped liver.I told my son how proud i was of him,and how successful i felt as a parent.When he ask why?I told him because he was so good to my DIL and her family.That no amount of money,or college taught him that,it was his up bringing.I even took it one step further,then next time i saw my DIL's mother,who has been the biggest instagater.We were just having a casual conversation,i told her,i hope you know how lucky you are to have a SIL like my son.She hung her head,and could not look at me.And i truly meant every word i said.One of my good friends,that knows my DIL's mother said to me"after i told her what i said" OMG,OMG,i couldn't of said that,after all the things they have done to you.I said,but it is so true,so i feel like you do.
The day my son is as rude to his MIL as my DIL has been to me,i know i failed him.


I just ran across this little quote yesterday!!!! .... ...."to me"little signs from God!!!I felt very validated in my thoughts,and feelings.


"If we have true compassion in our hearts,our children will be educated wisely"

I typed this out on some colored paper yesterday,and put in in a little frame.

Today,i will type out.


"It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies."

I love this,and thank you Catchingup,words from another Wise Women!!!!



 





Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Scoop on March 02, 2010, 06:23:42 PM
Catchingup, I would like to give you a different perspective on the making lunch / visit scenario. 

I realize that you are independent, but I know that *I* wouldn't like it if someone came to visit us and then screwed off for the whole day, especially if I didn't know to expect you for dinner or not.  I'm not saying you're wrong and DIL is right, I'm saying that different people have different expectations, and without communication, then this stuff festers.  Some people would be pleased by a guest who doesn't need to be 'babysat', some would maybe wonder if they were being used as simply a hotel.

Also, if my DH asked me to make a lunch for my MIL, I would be very pissed.  I'm a *planner*, I plan meals, I plan groceries, I plan visits.  So if I had planned for NOT providing lunches, it would fluster me to have to plan a lunch.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but I would immediately think “what does MIL like to eat for lunch” and "we don't have a lunch bag for MIL" and "what do we have to send with her that doesn't need to be re-heated" and "will we have enough lunch-items to last us the week" and "okay, when can I get a chance to run and pick up more lunch-items".  Seriously, I've been thinking about this all day, and it took HOURS for me to realize that I could send your lunch in a large freezer bag.

My ideal scenario would be for the MIL in the scenario to say “DS!  Don’t  ask your wife to make me a lunch!  I can make my own lunch, or I can pick something up on my travels.”  Just being ‘stuck up for’ would count for me, and I would probably make you the lunch.  But DH would get an earful later on.  If he wants you to have a lunch, he can freakin’ well make it himself.

As for the sh!t comment.  I will admit that I use *sh!t* and *stuff* interchangeably.  “Sh!t” doesn’t mean “poop” to me, it means “stuff”.  Although I try not to curse in front of my IL’s, if I was pissed at my DH, and running through lunch ideas ect, I would probably have snapped too.  But not in anger at YOU, in anger at DH, for treating me like the “little wife”.

Imagine if you had said (jokingly) “If that’s what you’re sending in my lunch, I don’t want any!”  Even in my outrage at DH’s presumptuousness, I would have been sheepish and apologized.

In the end, this looks to me like a communication problem, with some un-met expectations mixed in, on both sides.  I think your best bet would be to talk with your DS about it and see if he can figure out where the landmines are for you and DIL and see if he can help you BOTH negotiate them.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 09:52:21 PM
I agree wholeheartedly with what you say.

This was said on the day of my arrival. Normal proceedure (I had visited before) was for me to go shopping,prepare my own lunch but I had not been to the shops yet.
As for the part about using their flat as a dump myself down and disappear for the day is true. They are at work all day so I have to travel on my own and prefer to do so anyway.

One week-end during my stay my son asked me if I would like to go with them to Windsor Castle. I had other plans but said I would cancel them.
He did add though that his girlfriend had said "Oh I thought we were going alone to spend some time together" How selfish??
I had not depended on them for anything and I can assure you if that was her mother it would have been a differant story.

My son has spent a month travelling in South Africa with her family,been to Thailand with her family,to Europe with her family. One day is too much for her.Grrrrrrrrrr  too much for me these days too.

Young people can be very self- centered. I am sure making lunch for  her mother would be no problem. You see it is her mother,her Father, her this, her that.
Well she can" her "what she wants I am quite capable of making my own lunch,enjoy my own company and would probably become totally bored spending it trying to please her.

My son has told me he finds it restricts him going away on holiday for long periods of time with the future- in-laws and as I said before I had terrible MIL problems and will not interfere but I can see that family running his life. I have cautioned him and he is a person who will examine my opinion.

Neverthless,this is an imperfect world and I have never felt that my son and his girlfriend are not suited.In fact she is level headed,well educated except for her manners towards me and I hope they get married because they have been together for 9 years.

Afterall one never knows what may come next.Better the devil I know than the one I dont know. ;D ;D
 As I said in my previous post. "It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as nobodies"






Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Sassy on March 02, 2010, 10:36:37 PM
South Africa sounds so exotic and beautiful to me.  Wise women unite across the globe.

It's a shame DS was so angry when he confronted you via email, instead of him asking you, about AuntIL relaying to FDIL her "little" miscommunicated offense.    Unfair accusations are so - unfair.  I understand your offense at AuntIL, FDIL and DS for  thinking you said that.    It's a shame in many ways.   DS believed FDIL, she told him what she thought to be true.  FDIL didn't think her Aunt lied, particularly since Aunt wasn't "lying" when she spoke, because that is what Aunt probably thought she truly heard.   Your response was clever and amusing.   I wonder how embarassed Aunt might have been, had Aunt found out it was her ears and apparent self-consiousness verging on paranoia that erred, and not you.  I wonder if FAuntIL and FDIL would have taken the opportunity to apologize and make amends to you.

The second incident with FMIL probably compounded the pain of DS's accusation in the first.  It's true the less you are around them, the less material they will have to twist. 

The passing of invites may be more informal in FDIL's family, and I hope were not intended to be rude to you. 

I too read FDIL's comment as a response to her BF's could-be-touchy approach to her.  My DH and I have a longstanding feminist joke "Woman, make me a sandwich!" which taken to the third party degree may have touched off a real chord in her.  She may have been especially irritated that he asked her a favor in front of you, if she felt he used your presence to put her on the spot, so she used your presence back against him.   Which is not nice.  I'm very sorry you had to hear that.  It could not have been pleasant, especially as their guest.

FDIL's family seems to be more trouble for you than FDIL herself.  Sometimes it might be hard to sort the icky feelings about DS AuntIL and FMIL, from FDIL's actions as an individual.   I imagine there are probably other events concerning FDIL, that she herself has done to lose your trust since the unfortunate 2008 sandwich snapping at DS.

I'm not sure if you've hoping to perhaps find a way to help DS hurting from the families falling out?  If so, my thought is perhaps you and DS can work something out.  Perhaps you would be more willing to risk communicating with his ILs, if DS would agree to give you the benefit of the doubt, ask questions before shooting accusations at you, and if he'd agree to treat you with the respect you deserve from him, the next time a possible IL "word twist" is brought to his attention. 
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Sassy on March 02, 2010, 11:02:45 PM
Quote
One week-end during my stay my son asked me if I would like to go with them to Windsor Castle. I had other plans but said I would cancel them.
He did add though that his girlfriend had said "Oh I thought we were going alone to spend some time together" How selfish??

If I may offer a possible explanation for the Windsor Castle story, since I noticed FDIL did not participate in this exchange.

DS asked if you would like to join the two of them at Windsor Castle.  Is it possible when DS heard the reply with an explanation of how you already made other plans and would cancel them for his, that he could have heard this as you were not very excited, or were perhaps even feeling inconvenienced or disappointed to have to cancel other plans?   Perhaps you were thrilled at the offer, but wanted to hide your gratitude a bit, so as not to appear too eager.  Alas, sometimes gentle demurring can be misinterpreted as true disinterest.   

For DS to later add that his GF had said that to him privately (she did not in front of you) only after he's already invited you to join them, would be rather erroneous of him.  Why would DS have invited you to join them to begin with, if what GF may or may not have actually said to him (we don't know since no one spoke of such a comment except DS) was a factor.  If DS felt a bit rejected, or if DS felt you would appreciate a graceful out so you would not be forced to cancel your prior plans, such an after-the-fact comment might make sense.   
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 11:17:05 PM
Personally I think this matter goes deeper than "What I said"

My son qualified and was planning to go to England to work.
The two of them were together at the time and she had another year at varsity.
He naturally put his trip on hold for a year so that they could go together.

He was ironing a shirt one night and said to me "If I was single I would be in England tomorrow" This was half way through the year . I jokingly said "Oh I did not know you were married" "oh Mom you know what I mean" was his response.

I would never have advised him to do anything other than wait for her to finish her studies because my first thought would have been that she would be able to concentrate on her studies knowing he was still here.

This was before all these accusations came from her family. I found his remark funny and after he had left I picked up the phone and jokingly shared it with her mom.

She took it up twisted it to look like I was saying her daughter was preventing my son from going to England. My son knows and believes I was joking  and has told them so.Petty--obviously I cant be friendly.

Amazingly I always thought they were a down to earth family. I must say I get on well with her Father and Uncle. Maybe I am just not a girls girl.

When this "Are these your illegitimate children" accusation came out and I told my son to tell them not to have anything to do with a person who says something like that I think they got a shock to think I had a "Dont care if you reject me" attitude.

His girlfriend did apologize in an email but you see the bad seed that is planted does not get totally uprooted so the next time something is said or she is rude or whatever the whole thing plays out again.

I am a believer but I dont like the word "Religion". I dont preach to people either because I believe the Bible and its instructions (which most would refer to as commandments) was given to us for our own benefit. It was not given for Gods benefit to make our lives a boring religious misery but to show us how to live in harmony with the universe,.

The reason I go into this is because the Lord said if we sow good seeds it bears good fruit but a bad seeds grows like a weed unless it is pulled up by the root.

We are also told if our brother has something against us then we must approach the brother not anyone else. If we cant sort it out then get two or three as witnesses.
If the aunt had approached me and pulled it up at the root it would have been gone with the wind.Now it is a bone of contention.
It was even watered down and excuses made like the aunt said it not us.They belived it--enough for me and worst of all my son must think the son shines out of their backsides to have believed it himself.
Nevertheless, I think he was obviously just very upset and sent that email on the spur of the moment.
Also knows my stance on couples living together before they are married. Another instruction that is to our bebefit but dont get me wrong I have never expressed this to her family. Simple I dont preach.

The Lord gave us a free will so nobody should play God



Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 11:27:50 PM
Quote
One week-end during my stay my son asked me if I would like to go with them to Windsor Castle. I had other plans but said I would cancel them.
He did add though that his girlfriend had said "Oh I thought we were going alone to spend some time together" How selfish??

If I may offer a possible explanation for the Windsor Castle story, since I noticed FDIL did not participate in this exchange.

DS asked if you would like to join the two of them at Windsor Castle.  Is it possible when DS heard the reply with an explanation of how you already made other plans and would cancel them for his, that he could have heard this as you were not very excited, or were perhaps even feeling inconvenienced or disappointed to have to cancel other plans?   Perhaps you were thrilled at the offer, but wanted to hide your gratitude a bit, so as not to appear too eager.  Alas, sometimes gentle demurring can be misinterpreted as true disinterest.   

For DS to later add that his GF had said that to him privately (she did not in front of you) only after he's already invited you to join them, would be rather erroneous of him.  Why would DS have invited you to join them to begin with, if what GF may or may not have actually said to him (we don't know since no one spoke of such a comment except DS) was a factor.  If DS felt a bit rejected, or if DS felt you would appreciate a graceful out so you would not be forced to cancel your prior plans, such an after-the-fact comment might make sense.

No! He told her he was going to invite me to go with them and this is when she made the comment.
He asked me after the comment was made,I accepted and then he told me what she had said.
I immediately felt I was intruding so told him to spend the day with her. It did not really matter to me. I didn't even feel hurt. As I say I do not want to intrude,interfere or be a burden to my son in any way or be a bone of contention in any of their marriages.

He insisted I go with them. You see he felt hurt and that is what he was expressing. He wanted to do something with us together because we had not had much opportunity since I had arrived there. I was very busy fulfilling my own itenary.I am in the antique business and I plan my trip round markets,antique shops etc.etc and dont expect my sons or their flussies to join me.

In fact I did go with them to Windsor Castle with much persaution from my son after that comment by her.

I dont want to waste precious time going to Windsor Castle with someone who would prefer to be on her own with my son.

The birdies have been released from my nest. I let them go.
Maybe I am just lucky. As much as we were a happy family with lots of memories I have never suffered from empty nest syndrome.

I am too busy "Catching up" So much so  that I dont have time for petty girlfriends "sh..."

 Also remember my son has spent a month travelling with her family etc.etc.
Re your comment about South Africa being exotic. A lot of people  believe we have Elephants and Lions walking in our back garden
I live in Cape Town and we have a mountain in the shape of a table and a concrete jungle surrounding it like any other big city.
Often clouds settle on the mountain and we call it the tablecloth.
We are coastal and have one of the most beautiful cities in the world and are regarded as the Mother city in South Africa but have awful wearther
It is a very windy city in summer and when it blows we wish it would stop and when it gets too hot we wish the wind would blow to cool us down.
Our rainy season is winter. It never really snows but we have snow on the mountains and in one place where the temperature goes to -7
Our winters hardly ever go to minus degrees.
 
Cape town weather reminds me of FDIL---Moody,unpredicable. :D
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 03, 2010, 10:32:18 AM
Catchingup, I would like to give you a different perspective on the making lunch / visit scenario. 

I realize that you are independent, but I know that *I* wouldn't like it if someone came to visit us and then screwed off for the whole day, especially if I didn't know to expect you for dinner or not.  I'm not saying you're wrong and DIL is right, I'm saying that different people have different expectations, and without communication, then this stuff festers.  Some people would be pleased by a guest who doesn't need to be 'babysat', some would maybe wonder if they were being used as simply a hotel.

Also, if my DH asked me to make a lunch for my MIL, I would be very pissed.  I'm a *planner*, I plan meals, I plan groceries, I plan visits.  So if I had planned for NOT providing lunches, it would fluster me to have to plan a lunch.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but I would immediately think “what does MIL like to eat for lunch” and "we don't have a lunch bag for MIL" and "what do we have to send with her that doesn't need to be re-heated" and "will we have enough lunch-items to last us the week" and "okay, when can I get a chance to run and pick up more lunch-items".  Seriously, I've been thinking about this all day, and it took HOURS for me to realize that I could send your lunch in a large freezer bag.

My ideal scenario would be for the MIL in the scenario to say “DS!  Don’t  ask your wife to make me a lunch!  I can make my own lunch, or I can pick something up on my travels.”  Just being ‘stuck up for’ would count for me, and I would probably make you the lunch.  But DH would get an earful later on.  If he wants you to have a lunch, he can freakin’ well make it himself.

As for the sh!t comment.  I will admit that I use *sh!t* and *stuff* interchangeably.  “Sh!t” doesn’t mean “poop” to me, it means “stuff”.  Although I try not to curse in front of my IL’s, if I was pissed at my DH, and running through lunch ideas ect, I would probably have snapped too.  But not in anger at YOU, in anger at DH, for treating me like the “little wife”.


I must thank all of you for your replies and commevts and hugs and good laughs like this one Sh--- does not  mean "Poop" but "stuff"

I guess I can change and not be a stick in the "Old ladies mud" attitude.

At 60 though I still feel I haven't grown up. I am so adventurous,even more so since my sons left the nest. I feel I want to fly and that my FDIL wants to put the brakes on me. Damm
You are all so special but some of these posts really scare me. I get to think "I hope my FDIL does not get that bad"
It seems to get worse once they marry.
 And the next paragraph  If that is what you are sending in my lunch-------I love it

Imagine if you had said (jokingly) “If that’s what you’re sending in my lunch, I don’t want any!”  Even in my outrage at DH’s presumptuousness, I would have been sheepish and apologized.

In the end, this looks to me like a communication problem, with some un-met expectations mixed in, on both sides.  I think your best bet would be to talk with your DS about it and see if he can figure out where the landmines are for you and DIL and see if he can help you BOTH negotiate them.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 05:04:37 PM
Personally I think this matter goes deeper than "What I said"

My son qualified and was planning to go to England to work.
The two of them were together at the time and she had another year at varsity.
He naturally put his trip on hold for a year so that they could go together.

He was ironing a shirt one night and said to me "If I was single I would be in England tomorrow" This was half way through the year . I jokingly said "Oh I did not know you were married" "oh Mom you know what I mean" was his response.

I would never have advised him to do anything other than wait for her to finish her studies because my first thought would have been that she would be able to concentrate on her studies knowing he was still here.

This was before all these accusations came from her family. I found his remark funny and after he had left I picked up the phone and jokingly shared it with her mom.

She took it up twisted it to look like I was saying her daughter was preventing my son from going to England. My son knows and believes I was joking  and has told them so.Petty--obviously I cant be friendly.

Amazingly I always thought they were a down to earth family. I must say I get on well with her Father and Uncle. Maybe I am just not a girls girl.

When this "Are these your illegitimate children" accusation came out and I told my son to tell them not to have anything to do with a person who says something like that I think they got a shock to think I had a "Dont care if you reject me" attitude.

His girlfriend did apologize in an email but you see the bad seed that is planted does not get totally uprooted so the next time something is said or she is rude or whatever the whole thing plays out again.

I am a believer but I dont like the word "Religion". I dont preach to people either because I believe the Bible and its instructions (which most would refer to as commandments) was given to us for our own benefit. It was not given for Gods benefit to make our lives a boring religious misery but to show us how to live in harmony with the universe,.

The reason I go into this is because the Lord said if we sow good seeds it bears good fruit but a bad seeds grows like a weed unless it is pulled up by the root.

We are also told if our brother has something against us then we must approach the brother not anyone else. If we cant sort it out then get two or three as witnesses.
If the aunt had approached me and pulled it up at the root it would have been gone with the wind.Now it is a bone of contention.
It was even watered down and excuses made like the aunt said it not us.They belived it--enough for me and worst of all my son must think the son shines out of their backsides to have believed it himself.
Nevertheless, I think he was obviously just very upset and sent that email on the spur of the moment.
Also knows my stance on couples living together before they are married. Another instruction that is to our bebefit but dont get me wrong I have never expressed this to her family. Simple I dont preach.

The Lord gave us a free will so nobody should play God
Catchingup!  I miss your posts!  So nice to read through and digest! You are refreshing and imperfect and perfect too!

I hope to see you here more.  I'm happy you're here with us and "YOU" are needed here more than I can say! 

What a wonderful and intricate mind you have!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Pen on March 04, 2010, 06:40:12 PM
I do enjoy your posts, Catchingup. Keep posting!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 05, 2010, 01:24:48 AM
 ;)I find this site so easy to use and informative and love hearing from all of you.
I always say a problem shared is a problem halved.

Sometimes we answer our own problems just by sharing them and wise advise from others is so helpful.

It is amazing how the bible gave instructions to the man to "Leave his Father and Mother and cling to his wife"
This advise was not given to the woman because the Lord must have known the Sons side would be the problem.It seems to be that way.

Son-in-laws dont seem to allow emotions to get in the way where in-laws are concerned.They think with their head not their heart (or emotions)

Some of these posts scare me because Daughter-in-laws seem to get worse after they marry our sons.
Besides I talk from experiance. I always thought I would keep quiet until I married her son.
Well it took years after we were married to achieve that but I mean she was "Bad". She ran our lives and as I once said to hubby"It is a wonder she does not tell us what sex technique  to use" Heehee. :D

All I can say is and advise any mother-in-law dont allow your life to center round your son and daughter-in-laws life.

Let go and if they see you are occupying your time constructively,even enjoying your own interests,too busy to see them sometimes--I mean say you are tied up.
"Oh would love have seen you but going on a tour today,maybe some other time."
and when they want you to babysit dont always be available "oh would love to see him/her but out for a party tonight" 8) 8) Go Girls Go



Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 02:29:49 AM
Thank you catchingup.  I'm happy you're here, and I really like that advice!  I think you have alot of good ideas for us here and I'm going to try to take you advice more often.  I see that it's not that you don't care, but you let go of the apron strings and let your children fly on their own!  This is a wise woman with so much to offer...
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: renny97 on March 05, 2010, 06:04:44 AM
All I can say is and advise any mother-in-law dont allow your life to center round your son and daughter-in-laws life.

Let go and if they see you are occupying your time constructively,even enjoying your own interests,too busy to see them sometimes--I mean say you are tied up.
"Oh would love have seen you but going on a tour today,maybe some other time."
and when they want you to babysit dont always be available "oh would love to see him/her but out for a party tonight" 8) 8) Go Girls Go

Love that, Catchingup! Brilliant! It seems to be the opposite of what "real" mothers are "supposed" to do! And, yet, that is the EXACT advice my own mother gave me to people that try and take advantage. She told me, "do not always be available for people; let them "think" you have other things to do besides waiting for them!" (even if you are just sitting there and knitting!) In other words, "leave a little mystery." There is something to human nature, we want others to have something going on in their lives besides them! "Hey, where's Grandma?" "Oh, who knows?" lol. "She's off having another adventure!" "She doesn't have time for our nonsense!" Ha!  ;) "She hangs out with wise women somewhere?"  ;) I've heard she is dancing around in her yard--we haven't seen her in awhile....LOL. Full moon???  :D
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:29:02 AM
Hanging out with wise women and dancing in the yard!  HAHAHA!

I like it!  :)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on March 05, 2010, 10:22:17 AM
All I can say is and advise any mother-in-law dont allow your life to center round your son and daughter-in-laws life.

Let go and if they see you are occupying your time constructively,even enjoying your own interests,too busy to see them sometimes--I mean say you are tied up.
"Oh would love have seen you but going on a tour today,maybe some other time."
and when they want you to babysit dont always be available "oh would love to see him/her but out for a party tonight" 8) 8) Go Girls Go

Love that, Catchingup! Brilliant! It seems to be the opposite of what "real" mothers are "supposed" to do! And, yet, that is the EXACT advice my own mother gave me to people that try and take advantage. She told me, "do not always be available for people; let them "think" you have other things to do besides waiting for them!" (even if you are just sitting there and knitting!) In other words, "leave a little mystery." There is something to human nature, we want others to have something going on in their lives besides them! "Hey, where's Grandma?" "Oh, who knows?" lol. "She's off having another adventure!" "She doesn't have time for our nonsense!" Ha!  ;) "She hangs out with wise women somewhere?"  ;) I've heard she is dancing around in her yard--we haven't seen her in awhile....LOL. Full moon???  :D

"Now" I was saying to myself today"That advise about not alwayys being available,would you tell a lie if you were available"?
"Darn you,you would just feel guilty telling your son such a yarn"

Mothers!!!   I Will have to carry it out and make sure my adventures are a reality then I will not have to lie and go down guilty lane.

" We all have friends or someone who needs a friend. Act!! Go out for supper, go to a movie. We sit back and let life pass us by and here we are free!! free!! free!!.

I have a friend who has plenty of money but she would sooner complain about not seeing enough of the in-laws than go on a trip. If I had her money I would be gone for good.
Money isn't everything but it sure helps.
I have to save like mad to go overseas.

You are probably all asleep when I post here early in our day as you are  8hrs behind us.i.e. if you live in America.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 10:36:55 AM
Well, I know I'm usually asleep when you post here, and have noticed by my time you are coming through in the middle of the night!  LOL! 

I don't know how the rest of the women feel here, but I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to go on a "holiday" by myself!  But that's me!  I don't mind - actually at times love to be alone.  I wasn't like that before and it has become a learned thing, but once I saw how nice it was, I was hooked!  Now I can do anything alone and not feel lonely!  I used to live on the beach and went out for walks and stuff all of the time, so it seems to be an extension of that for me!

I admire you and your outlook, catchingup!  I've read all of your posts to date and even find myself quoting you at times.  In one of your first posts, you used the name "livered" and it just made me laugh so hard.  I'm still using it!

Take care of you!   :)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: renny97 on March 05, 2010, 01:00:59 PM
CU:

Nah, it won't be lieing. I've always been resourceful and find things to do. Money, is an issue now, but I like to keep busy.

I would keep my word if there are firm plans, but I do remember a time on Mother's Day I went to take flowers to DIL. I arrived, and was about to get out of my vehicle, and I looked towards back of house (movement); it was DIL looking through the window.

So, I go to porch, ring bell, and wait. She stood me up! She never came to the door! I left flowers on the porch and left. Son, called later, and asked if I rang bell (we were in the basement). I thought, "Maybe you were, but not your wife). Guilty? Not me.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 05, 2010, 02:03:31 PM
Renny, for some reason they do feel intimidated or something like that with us. I don't know what it is.  I mean, Lord! if you are like me, I've never met a stranger.  I love to be with people and have a great time all the time.  That was then, this is now. 

It's so strange too because I honestly think this whole thing will do me in in the end.  I don't know what to do either because on the one hand, the one (DIL) I thought I was so close to has turned out to be the very one behind all the trouble. Gosh, I wish I hadn't seen that!!

The other son and DIL, who I used to call: DDIL was just different, really different.  She still is. But, you know what?  She has the most perfect kids you will ever want to meet.  She has made our son so happy.  It has been very hard for him to give us up but he did in a way.

I helped that along with my distancing myself from her.  I was naturally drawn to the one who was more like me, friendlier.  She is very selfish and self-centered, though.  I just can't stand that.  I don't know about you but that and control freaks do me in.  She's both, it turns out.

We still talk to our son but his world is her world.  We don't know him. I've tried everything with her and will keep on trying.  I do want her to know how proud of am I her and the way she's raising her kids.

She's a little warmer. I'm so glad!!

Keep trying. Don't give up, even if it takes years. :)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: renny97 on March 05, 2010, 02:58:46 PM
Thanks, Chicki.

I need to put the past behind and keep doing so. There will always be a give and take. I just need the respect.

I am going to work hard at asking why she would insult me in the most polite way. I know, logically, the anger isn't good and won't work.

I just had one of my "concepts." Maybe a DIL is going through something in her life or just the normal "bump." And, so are we. I wonder, if by the time it changes a personality, we react differently to the "new" personality in the other person? We are expecting the same. That dynamic, may throw the whole communica' outta whack. As you were saying about how your DIL's changed.

I will try to "start over."

I have had some cool down. If I get snotty barbs, I am really going to focus on a patient answer. My son's cell was on ID and no message recently. I am still gonna be slightly nervous with next contact. I will be me. But, I will not be afraid to ask why something was said in a calm manner; knowing, I will be the example for GC. Then, it will set a real contrast from what she's heard.

It is painful, but you can do it, Chicki. You have strength. You get along so well with people. I guess we just love em and be kind. What else is there?
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 03:05:16 PM
Renny, that's heartbreaking.  I hope you didn't go back home, but went somewhere else and had a good time doing something you enjoy!...  Just thinking....    thinking....   You don't suppose they were... back of the house?  What rooms are usually in the back of the house?  LOL!

Chickie, I believe there is a little truth in that.  I believe very insecure women are intimidate by strong women.  AND...  You have to be confident (hence, strong) to go into a room full of people you don't know and talk to anyone you meet.  You have a gift and I can see that.  Your DIL's may be very intimidated that you are "holding the attention of the crowd around you.  Just my thoughts here, but (she may be beautiful), but until she starts building that "from the inside," somewhere in her awareness she may be afraid of who she is.  True beauty shines from the inside, and I think God gave that awareness to all of us.  Do you think it's possible for her to be afraid of your inner confidence?  That's something she may not have. 

Beauty doesn't always equate confidence.  She may feel inadequate.  I'm not saying this is true, but it's something to consider and roll over in your thoughts.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 03:13:11 PM
Thanks, Chicki.

I need to put the past behind and keep doing so. There will always be a give and take. I just need the respect.

I am going to work hard at asking why she would insult me in the most polite way. I know, logically, the anger isn't good and won't work.

I just had one of my "concepts." Maybe a DIL is going through something in her life or just the normal "bump." And, so are we. I wonder, if by the time it changes a personality, we react differently to the "new" personality in the other person? We are expecting the same. That dynamic, may throw the whole communica' outta whack. As you were saying about how your DIL's changed.

I will try to "start over."

I have had some cool down. If I get snotty barbs, I am really going to focus on a patient answer. My son's cell was on ID and no message recently. I am still gonna be slightly nervous with next contact. I will be me. But, I will not be afraid to ask why something was said in a calm manner; knowing, I will be the example for GC. Then, it will set a real contrast from what she's heard.

It is painful, but you can do it, Chicki. You have strength. You get along so well with people. I guess we just love em and be kind. What else is there?
Good thought, Renny!  You may be right!  We are all different people with completely different perspectives.  Given that, I have to assume there is no right or wrong, just different ways of looking at the same picture. If I can learn to step back when I'm faced with an upsetting situation and talk it out without losing my temper, and then take a breath (in my thinking corner that is ;D), then the picture may have changed by the time I return.  That could help me understand my DIL's perspective, and maybe if I can understand where she is coming from, then I can help her understand where I'm coming from.

Profound thought!  Thank you for that!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 05, 2010, 03:19:55 PM
Renny and Coco,
Stepping back is a good idea....I've tried that, of course.  It just totally breaks your heart into little tiny pieces over and over again when you see your son turn into a stranger.  I will never get over it, never.

It was either both of them do that or I guess the girls would have said goodbye. 

They are both gorgeous but hey, our sons are movie star good looking.  And, I was pretty too.  We looked good from the outside.  I guess something was wrong here.  I have searched my heart and can find only that I loved them so much.  They were my life, my little family. First real one I'd ever had.

Maybe I have a lot to learn.  I don't know, I'm getting tired.  Really tired.  I hate that. 
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 05:08:03 PM
I'm sorry Chickie. I understand "tired." I've been fighting with that lately.

There is so much going on here that there is no begining, and no end anymore.  I survive each day looking forward to talking to you all.  I can't even describe what it is like living in a place where everything is topsy turvy, and I don't know where I went wrong with my son. 

I couldn't begin to catch anyone up anymore with his soap opera and am not sure I am not affected.  I try not to be.  I take care of everyone's needs and I work.  But, my son has problems that I can't even begin to describe.  I'm not sure where to start or end.  It's not my parents.  They're fine.  I take care of them and I'm so proud of them because they really listen to me!  That makes my heart sing!  They took a cab yesterday to a dentist appointment.  There's so much I haven't said here.  My mother doesn't walk much at all and is assisted by a walker.  No big deal at her age.  My father has altzeimers and  still thinks he can drive?  ???  It has taken me "all winter" to convince them not to be driving anywhere, unless I'm available.  I was so worried about having somewhere to work each day, knowing they might "cheat."  I am also so proud that they didn't.  My mother called me in to tell me "something special."  (I was worried about my son and thought it was about him)  They wanted me to know that she had that appointment, and they were taking a cab (something I asked them to do, but didn't really think they would listen to me).  I know this all sounds small to everyone, but it is large to me.  I have so much weight now on my shoulders??  I am the mother to four children and my parents.  I never thought I would do this, but I am, and gladly, but am really tired! 

I understand tired.  We get tired as we get older, but when my son came, I had drama. 

I don't do drama...  I don't know where to begin.  But can you keep me in your thoughts and prayers?  I will keep you in mine too!

Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Barbie on March 05, 2010, 05:58:23 PM
I know what you're going through. I was in your shoes up until a year ago, I was taking care of my father and was having all the problems with DS and DIL, boy, was I worn out!. A year ago today my dear father past away. Anyone who has taken care of their parents know it's no small job, it's very overwhelming at times but know that in the end you'll be glad you did it, things will get better. I will keep you in my prayers.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:03:05 PM
Thank you so much guest1!  There are days that I am so overwhelmed!  My son's problems are worse than theirs (if you can imagine?).  He comes with a "drama package attached."   I know I'm not alone, just really tired!!  But I have to say it's nice to know you're there!

Thank you so much for understanding that!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:12:54 PM
I know what you're going through. I was in your shoes up until a year ago, I was taking care of my father and was having all the problems with DS and DIL, boy, was I worn out!. A year ago today my dear father past away. Anyone who has taken care of their parents know it's no small job, it's very overwhelming at times but know that in the end you'll be glad you did it, things will get better. I will keep you in my prayers.
P.S. - I'm so sorry about the anniversary!  This must be so hard for you.  And, thank you for being compassionate on this day of all days, to understand and put me in your prayers! 

Feel that?  I'm hugging you!  I'm glad you're here...
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:18:36 PM
So, guest1,

Are you doing ok?  Are you relieved?  Are you sad?

Tell me.  Because I don't really know how I will respond, and I will have to take care of their affairs long after they leave here.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 05, 2010, 06:19:37 PM
God bless you my dear friend,coco.  You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. :)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:22:19 PM
Chickie - thank you so much!  I take things as they come.  I'm worried about Luise.  I think she has alot to take care of and I worry about her.  You know, the caretakers often pass before the people they are taking care of.  It's a job hazzard.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 05, 2010, 06:31:02 PM
I'm worried about her too.  I know that Kirk will be such a needed boost.  They need each other right now.  I wish I was not such a cry baby. She said she didn't cry much but maybe that's what she needed to do and finally let it out.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:34:42 PM
I understand what you're saying.  Crying is good for your soul and your body, and can save your life.  Luise said that once to me and I thought it was so wise of her to know it!  She knows how much trouble she's in.  I think that may be a reason for her crying.  She has to let go now that Kirk is there!  He is her angel right now and she has needed one!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:39:30 PM
Ahhhh!  Fairy Godmother onboard!  LOL! 

Hi Luise, we were just worrying over you and I hope you're smiling... ;D
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 05, 2010, 06:41:25 PM
We need to make a pact that we pray for her ....let's all do.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 06:49:34 PM
I'm in ;D with a glad heart!

Oh!  And can we remember guest1 too?  This is a painful anniversary for her.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Marilyn on March 05, 2010, 07:42:11 PM
You can count me in for prayers too.

For Luise,and guest1.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 05, 2010, 07:45:02 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Thanks!  Mominwaiting!  Your magic wand is on order! :D

Oh!  I did say this!
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: renny97 on March 05, 2010, 09:57:47 PM
How about starting a "Prayer" post? Maybe titled, "Prayer Corner." I feel Chicki should start the post, being her idea. In addition to our personal troubles, life throws us another "ringer." And, we could use some extra hugs and support.

We could request support and prayers for something extra "heavy" going on in our lives.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 06, 2010, 05:42:05 AM
Great idea, Renny!! :)
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Barbie on March 06, 2010, 06:55:49 PM
Coco, I miss my father very much. You don't stop loving them but in time, you learn to live without them. You take it one day at a time. I'm ok now, for the most part, because I was there for him until the end, he was always giving me advice, he told me many times that life is too short and to make the best of it, to go on and be happy because my day would come too someday, to let my son go, that I had done a good job raising him and to be thankful that he's so independent and can make it on his own, and so many other things. I'm trying to do as he told me, it hasn't been easy, my faith in God has helped me tremendously and this forum has also been very helpful, it gave me the extra push that I so desperately needed to deal with DS and DIL's problems.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: cocobars on March 06, 2010, 07:05:39 PM
Your father loved you and gave you good advice because he cared so much!  If you can remember conversations (not that you will forget them), think back on those when you have hard days, and come here (like you do).  His advice is still there in your heart whenever you need it.  You may not be able to feel his hugs, but I believe those are all around you too!  It's just my opinion!

Your son is doing fine and I believe your father was being honest with you.  I hope your days even out and I know you miss him dearly.  I can understand that.  I've been looking at my parent's passing because of their age and conditions.  I worry about that time, and I appreciate you telling me how things are with you!  I don't know when I will be where you are.  You are ahead of me in this and have alot of wisdom to pass on to me...
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 06, 2010, 07:19:48 PM
Guest1...I know how blessed you know you are by having a father who loved you. That is wonderful and you stayed with him.  Good for you, sweet daughter.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Hope on March 13, 2010, 06:57:51 AM
Coco, I miss my father very much. You don't stop loving them but in time, you learn to live without them. You take it one day at a time. I'm ok now, for the most part, because I was there for him until the end, he was always giving me advice, he told me many times that life is too short and to make the best of it, to go on and be happy because my day would come too someday, to let my son go, that I had done a good job raising him and to be thankful that he's so independent and can make it on his own, and so many other things. I'm trying to do as he told me, it hasn't been easy, my faith in God has helped me tremendously and this forum has also been very helpful, it gave me the extra push that I so desperately needed to deal with DS and DIL's problems.

Guest1, you were richly blessed to have had such a good father - with wise advise!  I've lost both my parents, but I can say to anyone dealing with their parents' caregiving - you will always have the memory of knowing you were there for them.  It will comfort you in your loss to know that you were so good to them while they were still with you.  My thoughts and prayers are with you, Guest1 and Luise.  Also my hugs.......
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Hope on March 13, 2010, 07:24:28 AM
IWhen I read the posts on this forum and the problems mother-in-laws have it all seems to revolve round a fight to see the grandchildren and ill treatment from DIL
I had a terrible MIL and vowed I would not interfere.
My future DIL and her family seem to want to drag me into  arguments


I dont have grandchildren but I hope that I dont allow myself to spend my life fighting to have contact with them.

I used the username catchingup because that is exactly what I am doing now that my children are independant and no longer living at home.

I have my own hobbies and interests that keep me so busy that I dont have time to get into family arguments and spend my energy trying to please a DIL.
I dont need anyones approval to live my life as I see fit and while they are changing dirty nappies and attending to screaming kids I shall be free to do as I please. ::) ;D

I love babies and had 3 sons myself but how many years do grandparents have left?
It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies.

I have 3 sons I can be proud of and the day my son is as rude to his FMIL as his girlfriend has been to me I will know I failed him

AMEN ;D ;)

Well put, Catchingup.  I wish I had your independence and strength.  I really do.  Even though you were gone while your ds/dil were at work while you were visiting, what else were you suppose to do?  Sit in their home and twiddle your thumbs waiting for them to return?  The time you were visiting was your holiday and I'm so happy to know that you made good use of your days.  I would have been hurt much worse than you expressed on your post if I was visiting my ds/dil and their weekend plans excluded me.  It would be like salt in the wound knowing that they spent so much time on holiday with dil's family yet couldn't find time to spend with you after you traveled so far to be with them.  It's not like you see them all the time.  You are so strong!
The fact that my ds/dil do not answer my calls, messages, or initiate contact makes me feel like a nobody in their eyes.  I love your quote, "It is pointless wasting precious time looking for company from people who treat us as if we are nobodies."  Life is too short for this nonsense.  I am just going to enjoy what part of them I have and go on with my life.  Be strong, be independent, don't rely on their relationship for my happiness, don't expect anything and then I won't be hurt.  How did you get so independent?  I want to be more like you.  Big hug, Hope
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on June 17, 2010, 05:02:13 AM

 My son and his girlfriend have been together for 9 years.I always found her pleasant enough and thought they were well  suited.
I had a terrible MIL. She was a Sergeant major in the army.I will let you know if I write a book.I vowed I would never interfere but tension arose between me and my sons future in-laws--I sensed it but brushed it aside.
My son confronted his girlfriend as he sensed it too.
I then got an email from my son (They live in the U.K.) asking me "Who do you think you are to say to her  aunt are these your illegitimate children"?
I was so shocked. Her cousin had 2 children outside of marriage.
I did not say this but did have a conversation alone with her aunt and when I met her grandchildren I asked her if these were her "little"grandchildren. I am sure the family have an issue with this whole thing and am sure she misheard me.
I am not a vicious person and am fully aware of the responsibilities of bringing up children and in fact felt a real compassion for her.
Then another story came out just as petty. my sons future MIL twisted something I said.
I might be wrong but I see his Future wife and her mother as 2 dangerous women who will do everything in their power to turn my son against me and I told him so.
I also said that if someone said to me or one of my family "Are these your illegitimate grandchildren "I would not have anything more to do with that person so give this advise to your future in-laws. Tell them they have my permission not to have anything more to do with me and take the advise yourself.
My son is a gentle loving person and I am now beginning to feel she and her family are not good for him.Sad how people can turn us against them.
I have also decided I will not say anything to her or her family so that they cant twist anything I say.
Fortunately I have my own interests and will not allow it to affect my life in any way.
Fortunately up to now my son has accepted my denial but he is the one who is getting hurt more than anyone else.
She loves him--sorry very selfish to hurt him then or just too immature to realize it

So here I am back on this story  with some added news.

We fetched my son from the airport today. He is here for the world cup.
Ofcourse FDIL's parents were there to meet them too.

Goodness what a reception I got. Never known FID's mother to be so friendly and make such an efford to greet me and a hug from FDIIL's Father.

What did I do. Snubbed them as much as I could. What a butch I am. Still cant get over their accussations.

DS says I must put the past behind me. I will try.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Pen on June 17, 2010, 07:28:20 AM
It's good to hear from you, Catchingup. It sounds as if you're on an emotional roller coaster, but I hope you can relax and enjoy your son's visit and the world cup (we've been riveted to the TV and wish we could be there.) Take the high road with the FILs; let it go. If you act like a b*tch it may feel great in the moment but the long-term result will be negative. The important thing is to maintain a relationship with your DS. Take care.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: stilltrying2010 on June 19, 2010, 01:11:57 PM
Cathingup wrote:
What did I do. Snubbed them as much as I could. What a butch I am. Still cant get over their accussations.

I think this is normal.  I am a DIL on the opposite side of hte coin so to speak but I sometimes will think I have everything "incheck" an d then I see them and BAM! its like its happening all over again. Or worse, they are pretending that it never happened and you end up having your feelings hurt (again).

What I do is start over the next time I see them, depending on what has transpired... I always have wanted to bring up the "accusation" but worry that it will make matters worse.  I once had the opportunity to call someone on something - and I let it go out of fear.  I regret it because now everything is colored by that comment.  Now months have gone by  - I am still hurting, they have no idea to the extent and it's too late (or at least way more awkward than it would have been if I called them on it on the spot.
 

Best wishes.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on June 23, 2010, 04:18:56 PM
This son of mine is such a sensitive guy.
When he arrived home he had a few visits from friends and then popped out with one of them
to fetch his friends car.
I was standing in the kitchen when he returned and he walked towards me and threw his arms around me and just cried saying"Mom it is so good to be home"

The parents of South African children want to pack them off to other countries as they feel there is no opportunity in the country for white children. It is not entirely true if they have degrees but we do have BEE here which means black empowerment. Every employee has to have a certain quota of black staff.

Believe me I have nothing against this but whites are outnumbered by (I think) 5 or 6 to 1.
There is definately a certain reversal of  "Apartheid" in the country but most whites are very happy to see the growth in the black people and the changes that have taken place.

Most have hope mixed with apprehension. Apartheid was a disgusting situation that should never have happened. Hitler will never be forgotten nor will apartheid.

Now getting back to this topic "I did not say this"  As youngsters "Apartheid" was just a way of life.
Blacks were our servants and perhaps some of you remember the rhyme
Eenie meenie minny mo
Catch a tiger by his toe

Well in South Africa as children it meant nothing to sing a differant version of this

"Catch a nigger by his toe" We are not allowed to use the word in South Africa along with other words like "Kaffir" "Native" etc,

So off we go to a soccer match on Monday (Loved those 7 goals Portugal scored)
and I went down to fetch something to drink
This young respectable black man was standing behind this box with all the differant flavours of
cooldrinks displayed so I playfully said while  totally forgetting the content of the rhyme
Eenie meenie  minny mo,
Catch a nigger ...Oh dear what have I said..I am so sorry.

"I did say this" Terrible.I feel like a total embarrassment to myself.

Nevertheless,I am very sceptical about FDIL. She is nice then uppish..mood swinger. One never knows from 1 minute to the next where one is with her and I am totally convinced that when these two get married it is going to get worse.

I can tell by the experiances other women have had and am  glad I have read them because at least I am prepared for it.

I am totally convinced that the more I detach myself from her and her family the less I will have to deal with.
I have to throw myself totally into my own interests so that I am so self satisfied and self assured that anything she says or does goes in the one ear and out the other.
The best is to never critisize her to my son because he is the one who ends up in the middle getting hurt.

My conclusion is "She is simply self centered but one day she will come down with a bump."
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

He was feeling awful with a dose of flu started on Saturday night and she insisted they keep an arrangement to visit friends on Sunday evening. It is winter here and cold.
Tonight he is sleeping over at her parents place as they had a family get together to which we were not invited because I told my son I will not socialize with them.

I hope they sleep in the same bed and she catches his flu. :-* 8) ;D :D ;) :)My guess is she will put her selfish self to bed.

TADADA Some people bring the worst out in us. I love my dog
 I would love to hear in the exact words what your thoughts were when you read the second  last paragraph i.e. nasty,smiley, here here--Whatever. I dont get offended easily I am conditioned.


Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: MagicGram on June 24, 2010, 07:01:51 PM
I have nothing to add that everyone else hasn't already pointed out, I just wanted to say that I think you are a very interesting and strong person.  You have a good head on your shoulders and a sensible loving heart.  I bet eventually you son and DIL will appreciate you.  And in the meantime you seem to appreciate yourself.  That's wonderful.
Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: Alicev on July 18, 2010, 10:30:55 AM
It looks to me this is a case of "lost in translation". Someone misunderstood your words and they reacted to it. Then your DIL reacted, then your son reacted and then you reacted. And suddenly everyone reacted to everyone. It happens a lot. To be accused of something you did not do, certainly makes you feel angry and hurt indeed. Going around the block (her aunt not confronting you from the very beginning and sorting this out) probably did not help either. 

I think 9 years is a long time. Whatever happened recently does not have to mean that all is ruined forever.
Any relationship involves risk and there are times when people get hurt. Everybody does from time to time.

Distancing yourself is a good idea for a while - to let emotions cool off and try to see things from different perspectives. (it does help no matter how resistant one might feel about the idea at first). But being alone can soon turn into loneliness.

You wrote that you had told them you wouldn't socialize with them and that they did not invite you guys over. Did you really mean it, in a sense that, is that what you really want in your heart?

You DIL might be self centered at times. And I certainly agree that her remark about the food was uncalled for. I  can understand the word sh*t to mean "stuff" in a friendly, joking context. But in a context of tension and unresolved feelings between people, it comes across as unnecessary and impolite. At any rate, whether she will come down with a bump  :D or won't is out of anyone else's control but herself. It is not your or anyone else's job to "fix" her.

The best is to never critisize her to my son because he is the one who ends up in the middle getting hurt.


That is a good idea keeping in mind your relationship with your son in a longer run. It shows you respect his choices (and his ability to make choices) no matter how much you might dislike them. Plus that you trust you son to take responsibility for his own life.

Having said that, your DIL sending an apology and her parents treating you in a friendly and welcoming manner at the airport does show that they are willing to extend their hands and put the incident behind them. Snubbing them might make you feel good momentarily but not in a longer run. It won't help you feel good about yourself in the end.

My experience has shown me that all you can do is your part and this too shall come to pass. I really hope that things will work out for you guys and that in time everyone can look back to it without resentment and move on in a more loving and compassionate ways towards one another. It takes great courage to decide to continue to give your best despite hurt and disappointment we occasionally get.


Title: Re: I did not say this
Post by: catchingup on July 18, 2010, 12:13:38 PM


Thank you for your wise words.
I hope it all works out favourably in the long run.
We are all from similar backgrounds.
Fdil and son make a nice couple and I think they are good for one another.
I dont trust her mother. I am very perceptive and have an uneasy feeling about her.

Our family have had very few relatives involved in our lives as most of us live far apart.
FDIL family are a crowd and they spend a lot of time together.

It is like a cliche where my son has fitted in well.
I am an intruion--know what I mean?