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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 08:54:50 am

Title: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 08:54:50 am
We are trying to work out problems in our lives that have just about destroyed us.  We want to learn.  We might say and do the wrong things on here but if we do, we need to do it without feeling like it's bad.  It indeed might be negative in nature.

That's okay...it really is.  We can't grow unless we're sometimes negative, can we?  If someone wants to steer us in the right direction and does it in a polite manner, great!! That should be taken as 'help' and not 'hurt'.  Don't be mean!!

I don't mind someone telling me that I'm off base, my gosh! I often am....just do it in the right way.  Always help, don't hurt.  Many of us are very fragile and we can't take it.

I know Luise's heart and to her and to me, this site was put up for growing and learning and sharing of new ideas on how to view this subject that many of us are stumbling into without fear and lack of understanding.   

I do need to apologize again for ranting....but really, that should have been okay too.  I can rant.  I can be told in a nice manner that I need to get hold of myself, which I was trying to do. The site in question, which will remain nameless WAS INDEED SPEAKING OF THIS SITE.  The woman who had just been here and now has removed her posts placed it there.

If I want to venture over there again, I might.  I might get mad again...I can do that on this site without naming the site's name.  Not everything is positive.  Sometimes we're scared, mad and just plain confused.  We can be anything we want to be as long as we treat people with respect.  Tell us in a nice way that we are getting out of hand; we can take it....we've been through the fire. :) 


Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: RedRose on January 04, 2010, 09:18:29 am
I have always said this site has helped me immensely.

If we visit other sites we are looking for answers and understanding.
If something said from that other site is brought here, because it upset us, then we should be able to discuss it, work it out and find solutions. I see nothing wrong with this.

I do think it is wrong to come down on anyone here for wanting to discuss what is said on other sites about MIL's, it hurts that person when we are all trying to heal. We all need to be more considerate of everyone's feelings.

WE all should be able to post here without fear and lack of understanding.

Thank-you everyone.

2chickiebaby...I value your opinion!



Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 09:23:52 am
Thank you, RedRose, I want everyone to feel safe here.  It's very important to all of us. 
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 09:31:01 am
We need the DILs who are here to help us too!!  We welcome them.  Some have really helped me.
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: RedRose on January 04, 2010, 09:42:41 am
I agree with you 2 chickiebaby....I miss all of my old friends who have helped, MILS and DILS alike. Please Come Back!!!
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: isitme? on January 04, 2010, 10:01:02 am
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 09:31:01 am
We need the DILs who are here to help us too!!  We welcome them.  Some have really helped me.


I'm glad you ladies are open to having DILs (or in my case, FDILs) here too.  You ladies have helped me ALOT lately - thanks for everything chickiebaby and everyone else.  How are you feeling today chickie?  Did you ever get your emotional vampires book?

I spoke to my boyfriend's parents the other day - just happy new year wishes and polite, short conversation.  My sister was in the room when BF and I called and mentioned to me that we both sounded VERY different when talking to his mom - I felt like I was walking on eggshells with her.. she was polite and responsive in this conversation - it was like all the other stuff she had screamed at me before didn't ever happen.  I think I"m supposed to just put it all behind me but I"m finding it hard.  I think I"m still going to walk on eggshells around her for now because I never know if what I"m going to say is going to be twisted and send her into some kind of rage or tantrum....  I'm going to talk to my counselor tonight about where some of MY negativity comes from... and I"m going to keep working on it.  with everyone's help here, hopefully I will be able to work through this

Over the weekend, my sister, BF and I went and spent the day with my godparents and their children.  These people are my family - they were best friends with my parents and took on that role for me and my sister when our mom and dad died..  We all had a great time but I couldn't help but compare it to the time we spend with my BF's family.  It's very very different.  Later that weekend, my BF said he envied me my family (we have a close extended family and my godparents and THEIR extended family as well as many others we consider "family").  I didn't know how to respond to that but I asked him how he felt with my family and how he felt this weekend.  He had such nice things to say about how they made him feel welcome and comfortable and how he enjoyed spending time with them.  I envy him for that.  His family will never treat me that way and I"m still having problems letting go of how unfair it feels to me.  I"m working on it though, I promise.  My next counseling session is tonight and I"m going on my own while BF goes on his own afterwards... 

I think for DILs maybe going on some of those MIL sites is ok if we need to vent (I find it much more helpful to vent here though.. if you dont' all mind) but for the MILs, JUST DON'T!!!  What is on there can be very hurtful - even I am shocked as a DIL to hear some of these attitudes!  At first I thought it woudl be a great forum for support but then over time, I started feeling kind of down because of all the negativity and the ease with which these women suggested cutting off relationships.  However, there are times though when a DIL is WAY OFF and she does get called on it.  Very few times, but I've seen it happen.  The tolerance level on those sites though is much much smaller than it is here.

I feel like I can post on here without fear that someone will just tell me to end a relationship or cut someone off.  That's not the answer a lot of the times is it?  I'm always happy to listen to you ladies vent about your DILs here because it gives me some perspective so vent away!
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 10:23:07 am
So glad to "see" you!!  I did get the book!! It's so interesting.  I am reading voraciously and see quite a few people in it!!   I will write more when in a minute.
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: isitme? on January 04, 2010, 10:27:21 am
thanks chickie!  sorry I've been MIA the last few days - I'm just catching up with reading everyone's posts today - I missed you ladies!  I'm glad you got the book and hoepfully we can talk about it soon - maybe on another thread?
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 10:51:00 am
You're right about those site...I know it!  I am trying hard to keep myself from venturing over there.  Not good for me!!

Would there be any way you could just 'let it be' for the time being with your in-laws?  I know that sounds not good right now but for some people, it's the only thing you can do.  Sometimes older people are just like that. 

But if you could give it some time...sometimes 'time' works wonders.
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: isitme? on January 04, 2010, 11:09:42 am
I think I am trying to "let it be" - but my guard is still up.  But I think I feel a little rushed because the pressure is on for us to get engaged/married really soon and I still don't know how I feel about being in this family.  The counselor seems to think we have a really strong relationship and now that BF has stood up to his parents we should move forward and "solidify things" (her words).  BF started talking about buying rings this past summer when I was with my family overseas... then all this stuff about his mom started coming out and we both pulled back... but basically I feel like we LET her stop us from getting engaged this summer and I'm still trying to come to terms with that and figure out how to move on.  I think right now one of our biggest dillemmas is the expectation of change.  My BF expects that his mom will change for the better and is upset that I dont' feel the same way.  I WISH I had that faith but everything and everyone I know suggest to me that she will NEVER change and things will only get worse once we are married, once we have children and as she gets older.  I have been told that I am a jacka** if I ever expect her to change - by multiple people....some of them even know FMIL better than they know me and have told me that.  What am I supposed to do with that?  I"m going to bring it up with my counselor - maybe one of the reasons I'm having a hard time letting go of my negativity is because I've been told by people from multiple generations and backgrounds that I'd be a fool to ever hope she would get better  :(

Dont' go to those MIL sites Chickie please.    I have spent enough time there to know it is no good for you - I feel like I want to protect you from that.  The MILs who are "trashed" on that page are NOTHING LIKE YOU.  They're not... I promise! 
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 11:26:25 am
She probably won't change....hard to hear, I know...but she probably won't.  I have tried with all my mind, heart and strength to change.  It's hard!!! A Leopard's spots, you know. About the only thing I can do is to become quiet...I'd rather have brain surgery. 

The thing is that you are having so many things pop up with getting married. You are never going to find a perfect situation.  Some people's families are going to be great and fun and all that but most of them will have their own set of flaws. 

Just do what your heart tells you to do.  I know your BF is a good man....does he make you happy and do you love him?  Can you see yourself with him forever and ever and ever till his hair turns gray and you wonder where your football player went?  The one who was so strong and had loads of muscles? 

Listen to Isitme....not to the other people.  You know deep down what you want to do.   :)
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: isitme? on January 04, 2010, 11:42:59 am
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 11:26:25 am
I know your BF is a good man....does he make you happy and do you love him?  Can you see yourself with him forever and ever and ever till his hair turns gray and you wonder where your football player went?  The one who was so strong and had loads of muscles? 


Yes yes and yes.  He's a wonderful man and my heart says to stick with him through thick and thin....  Thanks chickie..  I think it's BF's refusal to acknowledge that his mother won't change that bothers me more than anything right now but maybe that's being unfair.  I know how hard it can be to see something negative in your own family and I'm trying to be understanding about it but it's frustrating.  Then again, I can totally acknowledge faults in my family members - my twin sister esp. lol! but it's always with the knowledge that I love her and accept her and that our relationship will never be broken.  If my sister ever says anything mean about BF (because of his mom), I set her straight right away that she should not speak about him/to him disrespectfully, she gets it and we move on.  We don't get into a fight about it and it doesn't change my relationship with her.  But I would NEVER allow someone in my family to treat my BF the way his family treats me.   I'm going to bring it up with my counselor today.  Poor BF - sometimes he seems like a puppy that's never been taken out for a walk.  He is so loving and affectionate but I have never seen him be like this with his own family.  It's like he's a different person:  silent, serious, stoic, quiet...  When he was with my godparents, he spoke about his career goals and hopes so freely...... but he has told me multiple times that he NEVER discusses those kinds of things with his own family because they will just shoot it down since it is "academic" and not about making tons and tons of money as a doctor.  That makes me really sad - sometimes I feel like he is starved for affection and support and just wishes he would get that from his mom.  I don't know what it feels like to grow up in a family like that.  But I guess I"m learning. 

I know she won't change - I know it.  But do I have to pretend that I'm hoping for change for my BF's sake? 
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 11:55:39 am
Your loving him that much is everything...his Mother and Father will not always be around.  You will.  You can give all that he's missed.  He probably got more than you know from them, though.  He's a good guy. 

His Mother doesn't know what she's doing.  I wouldn't know. I was sooo different from my DILs family.  I was lively and outgoing and fun.  She thought it was too much and felt uncomfortable around here. It was polar opposite from her family. I want to say something mean here but I won't.  :-X

She told me that son changes when he is here.  I don't want that!!  She said that he was so different around us, not like he was with her.  I hate to hear that.  We sure had a lot of fun.

Itisme....she's the one who has won.  Not me.  Remember that. 

This is hard for me!!  Everyone had fun here and so did he.  She has made him think we didn't love him!!  She thinks other son was the Golden Child.  (reading too many books again) 

NOT SO!!  Just different, that's all.  Not Golden, just different.  All your kids will be different.  They will!  If you have 6, they will be like night and day different. 

My point is that I had to change if I wanted any kind of relationship with them.  SHOOT!!! I wanted to stay the same and laugh and have fun here.  It didn't happen.
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: isitme? on January 04, 2010, 12:22:40 pm
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 11:55:39 am
Itisme....she's the one who has won.  Not me.  Remember that. 

My point is that I had to change if I wanted any kind of relationship with them.  SHOOT!!! I wanted to stay the same and laugh and have fun here.  It didn't happen.


Is it ever possible to stop thinking about it as a "win/lose" scenario?  Why do people do this to each other when the win/win scenario would make everyone so much happier?  I dunno - I guess that's just human nature?

I wish my FMIL would be more open to the idea of change - I think it would make HER a lot happier to but there's nothing I can do.  I feel sad that you had to change  not for the better but into what seems like a shadow of yourself in order to be around your DIL.  I think that's how I'm going to have to "change" to be around BF's family too - no joking around, no silliness, no affection.  Ugh.  No fun. 

One of the things my counselor said to me early on though was that if I didn't feel I could be myself around BF's family, I would never be happy.....I dont' know if she's changed her view on that after what she's head the last couple sessions but I'm going to ask her about it today.
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 12:30:28 pm
Yes, we can talk about it in a different way but I can't be myself around her.  She doesn't like it and I want to be around them.  I don't know how else to put it except that I had to change to do it.

It's hard and it's sad.  I guess you won't have to be around them always....I'm not around DIL always.

I guess no one won.  It just kills me.

Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 03:55:52 pm
Our site wasn't named but the posts and what they were about, were.  I'm glad it's not tolerated here too.  We are too wounded for that behavior and don't need it piled on. 
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: cremebrulee on January 04, 2010, 04:46:41 pm
this site is a God sent, with a lot of great ladies...with a lot of love and insight..it's been a tremendous help to me.
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: cocobars on January 04, 2010, 06:15:54 pm
I don't think you should have to apologise for any ranting really, because I just believe sometimes, when we rant...  Well it kind of shows that we are really trying hard to understand and WANT our feelings to be recognised and considered. 

You did nothing wrong here.  This site should be a welcome place for all of us to make our mistakes and get advice.  I'm not perfect.  I wouldn't expect anyone else to be.  If I was going to think something in the wrong way, this is the place I would like to make that mistake.  You, wonderful women will help guide me.  I don'[t think that is blind trust.  I believe that is a part of what this is about here.

I think the world of you chickiebabie!  Rant away! 
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: RedRose on January 04, 2010, 06:22:52 pm
I think a lot of us feel the same about this site.  There are a lot of wonderful and caring ladies here full of experience. I'm glad I am here.
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: isitme? on January 07, 2010, 05:58:09 am
me three!!!    :)
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: Pen on January 07, 2010, 06:06:05 am
You have all, DILs & MILs, become so special to me. This site has already helped improve my situation by giving us a wonderful place to share stories, support & wisdom. I guess that makes it a "me four!"
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: cocobars on January 07, 2010, 04:04:01 pm
You can count me in on that one too!  I may joke around alot, but this site means more to me than I can say.  The first post I put on here was really hard to write.  I took that chance and found some wonderful and caring people
Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 05:09:44 am
Quote from: Survivor on January 04, 2010, 03:47:04 pm
I am sorry to hear that other sights talk about us that post on here, don't they get into trouble for naming this sight specifically? I am so glad that the person that posted that message no longer posts here, that kind of behavior is just not right.


I'm sorry to, but cha know what...while some of those DIL's are just looking for trouble...there are several who will come in, b/c they are advertising us, and join in...besides, it surely does bring us more hits on this site, which is a good thing...those that are unreasonable will most certainly find something to talk about...but, those who are really sincere and looking for support and guidence, will read and conclude that we make a lot of sense...like our already existing DIL's. 

Ya gotta wonder when someone comes into your thread, and is so contrary, looking to discredit you....and not just one post, but several..I felt like saying, so what's your point?

No one here has to be afraid of them...really think about it, seriously...they are strangers on line who are very angry people and are looking for trouble...but really, they can't hurt you, they can only say nasty words...so, ignore them...they're not worth it...it's the ones who join  in who are seriously intelligent, wise women who are mature enough to understand, that people are people and you are not going to change them...especially older people...basically, its jealousy and insecurity which is an emotional disease....feel sorry for them, and they're husbands.  Can you imagine living like that?  Where you wife has to say, my husband feels the same way about his mother?  He loves his mother, he's simply agreeing with her to keep the peace...and to avoid confrontation.  Now granted, as you all know, there are some very dysfunctional mother in laws....but when you read the DIL's posts, you can weed the vindictive ones out...and the others go along with it, b/c they have not reached a point in they're lives where they are fed up with being a follower...they still need to belong to a group...so they go along with it, but really don't approve. 

I'm so so happy for this site and for all you ladies...



Title: Re: For Our Site: 2010
Post by: RedRose on January 08, 2010, 09:43:40 am
Creme...Very wise words...once again

Thank-you