My mother went to the ER Monday and was admitted to the hospital. I have been trying to balance work, my mother's hospital stay and checking in on my 91yr old father. I am tired and stressed. I am thinking a lot about what it is like to be a daughter to elderly parents needing help. What a time in my life. Troubles with my own daughter while examining my own role as a daughter. My life seems very complex right now. Taking it hour by hour. Oh an trying to have a relationship with my husband. His father just had prostrate surgery. We both have been pulled in two different directions trying to do the best we can. We fall into bed at night exhausted saying hello and goodnight. We still keep laughing though. Then he says "better days are ahead".
I'm glad you have a good DH by your side during this time. It's OK for you to take a little time for R & R when you can. Take care! We'll be thinking of you.
How well I remember. My father lived with us when we were at the peak of our careers, our youngest son was unstable (just out of college and just married) and my sister moved close because she was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. There is more but you get the picture. We couldn't change anything...all we could do was hunker down, give our best and hope we survived. Just like you are.
What we could do, and you can, too, was to break the pattern and see to it that we didn't pass on the same kind of crisis and pressure to our kids.
We have kept that promise to ourselves and, silently, to them. When we were still healthy and productive, we picked a CCRC. That stands for Continuous Care Retirement Community. We didn't even consult "the kids." We divested outselves of the accumulation of stuff that wouldn't fit and we moved ourselves.
Healthy, happy and able...we signed up to volunteer for various tasks that interested us...together and separately. Since it is a nonprofit facility, the residents here put in over 38,000 volunteer hours a year to make it their community. No one has to volunteer, it just becomes an extended family for most of us. And we were surprised to find that the life expectancy is higher here and is believed to be tied to being useful. Sitting around waiting to die makes people crabby and/or sad.
There is also a lovely low income section (HUD) here. It was necessary for me to move there last year when my husband went into nursing. Besides nursing there is a boarding unit for those who want their meals prepared for them and an assisted case unit for those needing more care but not needing nursing. There is everything here for independent living from double-wide manufactured homes to 400 sq. ft. efficiency apartments.
Our families care. They come and visit. But...they are not responsible around the clock. The community feels like an extended family. Parents who say they are still "fine at home" and don't need to go to "that kind of place, yet" need to know that when they do need to go, it will be too late to be able to make the choice or engineer the move. Many people come here directly from retirement and even make it their home base while they travel.
Learn from what you are going through and decide not to let it happen to you and your adult children. Mine tell me that they are the exception to the rule. Most of their friends are going through what you are. And typically, a move to a retirement community is under pressure when it's too late to have it be a positive experience. Most facilities also don't have nursing homes, so when people need their friends around them the most...they are shipped off to someplace where they don't know anyone.
There are other ways to do what you are doing. I am 84 and my husband is 99 and we are doing it our way. Sending love...
Wonderful post Luise.
NLTM, I'm so sorry. You do have a plateful right now. Take care of yourself the best you can during a difficult time and give DH a big hug for hanging in there too.
NLTM, I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. I hope it is a swift recovery.
I like your husbands take on it "better days ahead." Is there anyway you can arrange a date night soon? Even if it is not going anywhere, just a few hours to cuddle on the couch.
NLTM, I will be with you as you take care of your DM. Accept my cool hand over yours as you soothe your mother.
When my own DM was told it was time for her to enter hospice, I flew across the country to bring her home to live with me. I wanted to take care of her and hold her as she took that last walk. I was so incredibly lucky that my DH supported me in this and got a room ready for her. I was so sad that I only had her for 6 weeks; I had been hoping for 6 months.
I think you are soooo lucky to still have your father with you at age 91. Give him my best wishes.
What a lovely, tender, thoughtful post.
NLTM....
you have the chance to say what we we all wished we had said before it's too late .
my thoughts are with you and your family .
NLTM, my heart goes out to you and all your family during such a trying time. I've been there and it's not an easy road. It never is though, in these types of situations. I was the primary caretaker of my DM for over 10 years (Alzheimer's) while having 2 teenaged son's at home as well, when it all began. Trust me when I say that I really didn't know just how strong of a person I was (emotionally, mentally) until then. I think it's great that you've decided to take it one hour at a time -- as that's the state of mind it takes in order to cope (as you just never know what might happen next). You and your DH's sense of humor is a wonderful thing to have also. It's such a stress reliever to be able to laugh, especially together!
One of my favorite sayings: A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she can be until you put her in hot water.
My thoughts are still with you.
thanks to each and every woman for posting. I can hardly type now what I have been through. I believe my mother is in a phase of passing this life. I had a difficult meeting today with siblings as we tried to come to a decesion how to proceed. I wanted no feeding tubes period. Some wanted it. I am making my own living will ASAP. I will share later when I can about the evening shared with my mom, husband, and myself. I have never experienced anything like it. I would not be able to explain well to other as I am still processing it. So glad my husband was there so I don't feel like I am crazy.
Yes I have formulated a grwoing old plan for myself. Long term health care etc. More improvements to make such as a living will. I don't consult my adult children as well. I began making these plans when I saw my parents journey unfolding without such plans.
Again thank you for the love and support. I wanted to read the posts all weekend. More to follow.
Reaching out and taking your hand...and sending love...
I went through that same phase with my mother. And like you, I chose no feeding tubes on the advice of her doctors. My mother already weighed only 66 pounds when I made the decision, yet she stayed alive for almost an entire month with only getting her mouth swabbed with water! She was a fighter all the way. That was so hard to endure. The waiting. Painfully hard.
Then I got the phone call..."Hurry, your mother is passing now, come say you final words to her". There are certain signs that are watched for, as the time draws near. And I will tell you, I almost lost it. With all the waiting, this was it. Final. But I gathered myself together in order to be with my mom at the end.
When I got to the hospital, my DH and I were rushed to my mothers bedside. I held her hand and told her "It's ok mom, you can let go now, I'm here with you." All the while wiping away endless tears that just wouldn't stop coming, no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. I then told her that it's now time for her to again be with her own mother, father, and brother. And I kissed her, as did my DH. And with that, my mother passed away, as I still held her hand.
It was such a tough time, but it really was for the best. I love you mom!
Oh my ! That's a.tough one to read on a Monday morning. I wasnt there at my parents parting ,but I talk to them most days ,so they know I love them .That's the hardest part of life ,saying goodbye.
Keep hanging in there NLTM. My thoughts are with you. TheChoiceIsYours, what a tough but loving moment.
We moved mom to a nursing home for rehab yesterday. We are hoping to get her back home with dad soon. I am utterly amazed at her resilience.
I am reluctant to share this story but I feel like I need to do so. I won't be able to accurately describe with words this event and wonder why try. I think I need to do so for me.
Mom was very ill and I believe she was in a phase of passing this life. She had been not responding or talking for a few days. Last Saturday my husband and I were in the hospital room with my mom. It was early evening. It was quiet, had been quiet for hours. My mother awakened and began to look around the room. Not at us directly. It appeared as she was looking far off into some horizon. Her eyes were open wide and she slowly became full of energy. It was as if someone flipped a switch on her. She looked over to me and asked me to start the introductions. My husband and I looked at one another with confusion. I asked her what introductions. She said you know. I asked her who was there. Mom started out saying, "hi I am Dorothy and I am 85yrs old and I can't believe I am 85". She said she had been married for 67 years and told how many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren they had. She was addressing people from the past. Names I had not heard of for years. Names I remembered from my childhood. All the people were deceased and all the events she mentioned had long since passed. My mother was not on any drugs. My mother is a very quiet person. This was so far from her normal personality it was like it wasn't even her but yet it was her. I heard here talk more in those hours than I had heard her talk for a very long time. I heard stories and details of events I had never heard. It was as if a movie of her life was playing that only she could see. It was as if she were narrating it. Her events were descriptive and very detailed. She described union station when she picked my dad up after the war. Angel Stadium and a particular baseball game she had been at. She was "taking with her girlfriends" about their dancing evenings WWII servicemen at the Hollywood Platinum. Their days at the ocean on Balboa Island. Dogs she had as a child. Spats with her little sister. She spoke of her father's patience. She talked of a few relatives that had been mean and cold to her. Meals she remembered as a child at her grandmother's home. Christmas events were a big theme and how she loved those times when family was together. She spoke of particular incidents that happened at family reunion picnic at Griffith Park. She asked why my father hadn't been invited and how disappointed he was going to be. The stories went on for several hours. My husband and I could not even speak to each other as we were so astonished at what was going on. I am so glad my husband was there with me. I am afraid people would think I was crazy if I discussed what went on. At 10:30pm they gave my mother a sedative so she could rest. She had not had a sedate at all since she was admitted. She was doing so poorly there was never a need for one. Driving home my husband and I didn't talk. When we got into bed we just looked at each other and said "what the heck was that"! Both of us were trying to process what had just taken place. I realized later it was a gift of some kind.
What a gift, indeed, NLTM. You're so fortunate to have been present with her. I got goosebumps...
It's amazing . It's all about what you think and believe of the after life .Before my brother died he saw my mother frequently and held conversations with her . I believe there is life after death ,and we are reunited with our loved ones ,and they come to.collect us when our time is up. Sounds as if your mom was having a.reunion...good times .
That truly was a gift and I agree with LL, your Mom was having a reunion with loved ones. I'm sure it was very overwhelming for you, but how wonderful to be able to hear all that so you have her memories within you. I too and a firm believer that we achieve clarity when we most need it.
My Grandpa and I were close my entire life. He told me story after story my entire life. When even remained best buds into my mid 20's until he fell ill at 94. A couple of weeks before he passed, I was sitting vigilant by his side and touching his hand. He had been sleeping for 23 hours a day by then and when he was awake, he was not lucid. All of a sudden, he opened his eyes and smiled at me and starting talking and talking. The hand I was holding he pulled it up with mine and said, "Isn't that an ugly pinkie?" It was all crooked and knarled and I always assumed he had broke it during work. "I broke that pinkie playing baseball, when I was 20. I was on the first organized minor league baseball team. They called them farm teams then and I played out of Cleveland, TN and we were called the Cleveland Knights. I played 2nd base and the ball hit a rock and bounced up and broke my pinkie in two places."
I sat there in shock as I had never heard about him playing minor league baseball. He went on and on, telling me the players names, positions, games and other teams they had played, then told me he only played for 1 year because he met my grandmother and wanted to get married. This went on for about 30 minutes and he went back to sleep. I went out to tell my Mom and she said she never knew that about that either.
I will always count that as a special time between he and I. I learned something about him that no one knew and I cherish that memory and always will. Guess where I live now? It is where my DH lived and where I now live and work. When I met my DH, two things about knocked me over. He lived in Cleveland, TN and his middle name is the same as my Grandma's middle name. Although I had lost both of them, I felt like they had sent him to me with their blessings. Life has a way of making you sit up and take notice.