Hi guys ......
turn the clock back 7 months and you would find me crying , not sleeping , not eating , and pathetically miserable .
Today ......my son has asked me can he and his future wife and daughter , move in with me and my DH !
As her FOO don't really have space for them !
This is the F/DIL who never visited or invited me to see my GD .Who let me believe for a whole year
I wasn't wanted or needed as a GM.
They have major financial problems exacerbated by their forthcoming wedding , and are unable to pay their
way living as a family .
I would never see my DS homeless , he has a good income but is overwhelmed by the current economic climate .
However my f/DIL FOO decided it wasn't convenient and said they couldn't take them .
So here we are , I am not gloating , no way .My heart goes out to this young family , not even started married life
and facing hardship .Of course I am going to help any way I can .
My reservations are plenty , and I hope we make the six months or so it takes to ease their burden
So be kind to your MIL , you never know when you will need her ....!
Love me some Karma but sheesh LL, you are going to have your hands full. Amazing how all of a sudden, her FOO has had a change of heart. I know you will help them any way you can, but please remember to have some boundaries so they are not taking advantage of your good nature. I just know with your health problems that you don't need the added stress, so I worry about this arrangement.
Yeah LL - make sure you negotiate everything before they move in.
Discuss who will pay bills, water, heat, electricity, cable, internet, phone, food ect
Can they use your car? Who parks where?
Think of a cooking & cleaning schedule.
Use of laundry facilities - if you're a "get it done in one day" person and they're "leave it in the machine until you need it" types, or vice versa, you might have to talk about that. Or else, they might object to you putting their stuff in with yours "to make a whole load". Especially with respect to the baby's things, they might want special soap ect for that.
You don't have to make "RULES" for all of this, but they're all things you should consider.
Does DIL work? Do you? I sincerely hope that you're not BOTH home all day - that's a recipe for DISASTER.
Will they be allowed to host guests? Will you be invited to join, or expected to step back?
Also, I'd like to caution you that you will not be a 3rd parent to the little one. You can prevent her from getting hurt / hurting herself (I think I remember that you have a GDD), but you can't really discipline her. You should still ask before giving her treats. You still have to ask before taking her to the park, or whatever. I think in this case, it would be better for you to start off a step back and be asked to take a step forward, than to start off too forward and be asked to take a step back.
Good luck!
I am crossing my fingers on this one. No matter what is driving them to your door, some if not all of the existing issues will come with them. Plus there will be new ones because they will naturally lose much of their sense of independence. I know you know that and, it will still be harder to do than it is to think about. I know I couldn't handle it but it sounds like you are made of sturdier stuff. Remember who's house it is....and who is financing their recovery. If possible, set boundaries within yourself around what you can tolerate and what you can't...where you leave off and where they begin. It is a "backward" move to them, on some level...a sign of failure, even if not expressed. People often over react to that by being rude and defiant. Even families with no history of conflict at all, crumble under the burden of coexistence unless it is cultural and they have been raised with the concept. Men also fare better than women, if they are employed and away a lot. You are generous and loving. Don't forget that it is probably a very vulnerable position. Sending love...
LL, I wish you weren't doing this. First, two women cannot share a kitchen, and it is clear that your F/DIL will own it because she needs to minister to her baby. I see nothing but heartache for you in this. I see your F/DIL re-enacting all those mean things she did to you previously.
Can you sit down with your son and ask him to lay out his financial situation? Can you do this with someone neutral - perhaps a financial adviser at your bank? Seems to me that until he learns to make financial plans, he isn't going to succeed. Won't matter where he lives. He and F/DIL haven't learned to plan and save. They need this much, much more than they need to live in your house. I sincerely recommend that you require this sit-down with a financial adviser prior to any move-in, in fact prior to your decision whether to allow the move-in or not. Even if you have to pay for the financial adviser for DS, that is what is needed at this point.
Hello Lancaster Lady,
I just read your post and my heart goes out to you for all that you have been put through and all that will be. Please bear with me as I am new to this site, but I didn't understand what Foo meant, however, I agree with the other ladies absolutely. Think it would be wise to treat this more or less like a business arrangement, definitely set some boundaries in place, you have been disrespected already, and now with them sharing your sanctuary (your home) I am sure there will be resentments, frustrations about their income all taken out on you. Start out how you wish to proceed, that way there is no misunderstandings, if you were taking in lodgers, there would be rules and regulations,wouldn't there? Get them to read the rules, this is your time to show them that if they are wanting to share your home, then there are rules and things that are important to you. Above all, you owe it to yourself to learn from the past. The danger is when we have been estranged is to be almost desperate (and I am referring to myself here by the way) in regaining contact, almost forgetting our own pain and our own needs. Don't, before you are anything to anyone you are your own person, and your are worthy of love and respect.
Sending your big hug and wishing you well.
x
Star - On the Home page scroll down to Forum Support. There is a post there on abbreviations. Most were inherited from other sites but we have made up a few.
Thank you I will take a look.
LL, I feel your joy and don't want to dash it, but I too have concerns for you and your health. Please take care to protect yourself. You're so special to us here at WWU!
Oh wow, LL. Karma indeed.
I echo all the previous wise women who posted. Remember to take care of yourself first.
Hi everyone !
I guess I'm getting used to the idea slowly .
I keep thinking that they will change their minds and go to my F/DIL's FOO . However after speaking to DS , he said he didn't
really care how they feel as when his partner approached her family , they seemed ok with the idea .When they asked when
they could move in , more discussions were needed .So after more or less promising them a roof , and after my DS terminated his lease , they turned the tables .
This is the only way out for them financially , the stress is making my DS ill .I have known for some time he was unhappy , and
this is the cause . Not his partner whom he adores or his daughter , simply money ! Unable to pay bills month after month is
so horrendous on any partnership .
Now to the house . They can have the top floor of the house for themselves , which is two large rooms .I also have two sitting
rooms on the floor below , so they can have some privacy in the evenings .
As for the kitchen , my F/DIL does not cook ! Not that I'm going to be chief cook , but what are another two portions of everything ? I have two washing machines too . So the house is workable .
I work six days a week , also my son works five , my DH works along side me , so the house will be free all day .
To understand my Ds , he a quiet person , who doesn't like a fuss .He just wants to provide for his family and is unable
to do so .I feel his pain , and his failure and his embarrassment , I am not going to add to this .
I hope to be able to work this out , and six months isn't a long time .
Scoop :
I promise not to be the Mom .....lol
We have been through that set of rules before , and I know that score .MY F/DIL is the boss where my GD
is concerned , and I will adhere to her set of parenting rules .
even though my GD loves me to bits ....lol
So watch this space ladies , I don't pretend this is going to be easy , plus a wedding too .... :o
PS....my Doc said my hormones are off the scale , could be causing the heart stuff ......so menopausal too ...Oh Lordy !!
Forgot to say .....thank you all for caring .......Love you loads ...... :)
I really hated to bring it up, but I really do want this to work for you.
It sounds like you have a good handle on it.
You know I am only saying this because I do care about you? Can I ask something? Since the wedding seems to be what is causing them such financial strife, have they even tried to scale back to a more manageable level or are they still plowing on with the huge expenses causing them more financial issues?
I believe in helping people, but only if they are helping themselves. Ok, so they got in deep...who hasn't when we were young and stupid...Lol. But are they trying to rememdy it, or still racking up bills for this wedding?
Well Pooh ,
You know at the start I had very little to do with the wedding , I found the date on FB !
Also my DS only saw the venue six months after it was booked .
As time has gone on I'm aware of him getting more involved and putting his stamp on things , but I am still not
asking a lot of questions .Everything has been done between Mother and daughter .Her FOO are financing most of
the wedding , however DS asked for a contribution about a month ago , so I knew things were bad .
I think things are too far advanced to cut anything , here you have to put deposits on everything at the booking stage .
In fact they asked me last week did I want to ask anyone as people had cancelled !! This was my first invitation
to ask anyone ! I have lots to moan about , but that won't help at this stage .
I try to keep all this lost in the depths , as a reminder of past hurts will spoil things methinks .
I think they know how strong a person I am , but also how dear I hold my family and I don't think they will
take advantage whilst living with me . I hope they can see why I am inviting them here and respect me for that .
So as for cutting back on the wedding I haven't a clue ! I did say to my DS that any monies saved while being
here must go against any debts , and not spent frivolously . I know his birthday money I gave him went on
food , so I think he will do his best to reduce their debt .
I think I need more than a duck race to sort this one !! lol
Bless your heart, I'm going to try to win a schooner for you to race!
I can appreciate the fact that you want to help them and also that you are trying to a certain extent to stay out of their issues. I do think with what you know about DS and what he is doing with money that he will do whatever he can. I just hope FDIL isn't continuing to run up debts and is also doing her part to help them get out of debt.
You're a jewel and I hope they realize how lucky they are to have you.
LL, you are a saint.
They may redefine the monies saved as going against the "wedding debts ", thinking that will fly.
Lesson #1 out in the real world...."Don't do it If You Can't afford It."
Hello Ladies .....
As I sit here with my 24 hour heart monitor in position , I am waiting for the first onslaught of the family's arrival !
this is the weekend they move in , how do I feel ?
Not sure really , if I was fit and healthy , maybe not a problem .Well I hope it won't be a problem , and I hope
I can cope with house guests for more than three days !
If they are content and happy with what's on offer , that's fine .Any complaints , I will have to let fly over my head .
Absolutely no stress whatsoever I've been told .
Me and my grandbaby will just have to sing and play to our hearts content and forget the rest ! ...If only .... :-\
Watch this space ....will deliver more episodes ....oh and maybe will hide this laptop ....just in case ...!
Hello LL,
I too sometimes wear a heart monitor, and I also must reduce stress at all times. I am rooting for your success at avoiding irritations. As for hiding your laptop, reminds me of that ad on TV - where the baby in a crib tries to hide his stock market laptop from the grownups.
Peace. Sing away and keep us informed.
LL, thinking of you. I hope all goes well! I have my browser settings set to automatically erase my history when I exit the internet...JIC, you never know when someone will want to borrow the computer.
Thankyou Am for your good wishes ......
My GD is 16 months and can operate her Daddy's ipad .....she has her own page of icons from which she
chooses her programme ....so maybe she can teach me a thing or two !
As far as the monitor is concerned ....we are hoping for a breakthrough , but knowing my luck nothing
will happen whilst I'm wearing it .... ::)
Hey Pen , how do I do that , maybe a good idea ..
Sending tons of love...
Quote from: lancaster lady on July 07, 2011, 08:57:35 AM
Hey Pen , how do I do that , maybe a good idea ..
LL, it's under Internet Options if you are using a PC. To find Internet Options, click on your Tools tab, then Internet Options, then go down to Browsing History. There's a box you can click that says "Delete Browsing History On Exit." Make sure you check it, and then click Apply and OK to set it.
Dear LL
You'll do ok. Dont worry..... Wish you the best of luck...keep us posted.
Love
LL,
I would keep my expectations low for this.
I hope you have Plan B handy, just in case this new set of circumstances gets to be overwhelming.
Good luck,
Keys Girls
I am with you, even though I could never take on such an assignment. Yes, please have a backup plan. Even when everyone in such circumstance starts out in great shape in relating to each other, the dynamics can sink the ship. And you are starting out with one strike against you already. Your health and well being come first. Sending love...
I appreciate your comments , however they do not have a back up plan ....I am their backup !! lol
I do work six days a week , so will not be in the house constantly .
They will have a whole floor to themselves ...with sea views ! lol.
My son works a five day week too , so my F/DIL will have the place to herself .
I know I will need a quiet corner to hideaway sometimes , but I'm not going to create problems
where there aren't any .
Also they will have weekends away to her FOO .
This is only a temporary measure for about 3 months , hopefully I can manage that .
Also there is my GD ..... :) :)....who only wants me when we are together , like I am her
private property , she clings on like a baby monkey ...lol
I live 50 yds from the beach , so I'm sure it's not a bad place to be ....I can think of worse places .
If they don't like what's on offer , they will have to think again .
Thankyou for the warnings though , I have no expectations , just to get through in one piece , and hopefully
have some fun on the way .
We are talking your backup plan, not theirs. Like a place to go or to send them if need be...like that. Of course you aren't going to plan on issues but you already have them. We just love you! :D
AWWW thanks Luise .....no real back up plans , so we have to make this work .They know I'm their last resort
so they'll want to make it work too ...I hope ! :D
LL, please take care of yourself.
If they don't have a backup plan, it's because they are leaning on you. They are adults, if they aren't standing on their own two feet it's because they know you won't let them be homeless, although that's their responsibility.
Have as much fun as possible, but remember, if they don't have Plan B, it's because they choose not to. They are parents and could step up to the plate (if they had to) and get a place of their own.
Enjoy your GC and have as much as possible, but please keep your own health as Plan A+, keep some notes, write a movie screenplay and make $$$.
Thankyou KG for your kindness ......my DS did have his own house but due to the economic climate,plus a wedding ,had to give his house up ..this was his home and he will always be welcome even more so now .
Wow, LL, you have a full heart. I can only hope mine would be as full, and I would be as gracious, should the need arise. You are a treasure!
We're all a little overprotective. Could be worse! ;D
Hi LL,
I don't know if you remember me? My 1st post here was about my worries over this same issue. I just wanted to chime in with the others and tell you that I think you are a wonderful Mom and Grandma for helping them like this.
Our Son and family stayed with us a few months until they were able to move into a rental that my DH paid for to help them out. We are helping them repair their home from Tornado damage done last November.
Anyhow the work has really moved along a lot faster than we had thought and they will probably be moving home in another month. So happy for them!
I was VERY NERVOUS about them staying here for many reasons but I was careful (On purpose) not to step on "Parenting"toes. And just relaxed as much as I could. I really think we made it thru okay. As far as my feelings go we are fine like before and best I can tell my Son and DIL feel the same. So it can be done for a short time it seems. And luck may of played a part? But we made it okay it seems.
Money causes more issues and more family pain "IMO" than anything else in life. In your shoes I'd be slightly aware that your DS and DIL may have fusses while staying with you because of the stress? Maybe they won't? Just try to prepare yourself in case. Try to not hear it.. LOL If you should over hear it? I'd try to pretend I didn't. LOL
In my case I caught myself right off wanting to give my opinion about the grandchild. Sleep time, food, bath ect. That is NONE of bees Wax! LOL But I was really trying to be aware of ME not really so much them and I did catch myself and said nothing unless asked then said very little.
Anytime there is more than one family in a home its hard. We all just do things different. I don't care if your son only moved out 6months ago he will be different. So just brace yourself. And if you pray? Do it a lot! LOL HUGS
Thankyou Kennedy ......its good to hear your own experience .I know it will be difficult ,but forewarned is forearmed so they say . My DS is 33 so has.been away from home for many years .I hope he is mature enough to overcome any differences of opinion , and also realise there have to be compromises on both sides . I hope like you we can get through this and still be ok ,bearing in mind we have a wedding to get through ! As far as my GD is concerned , I always ask before doing anything with her ,I.know who the momma bear is ,and when to use that zipper ......lol Today is the day .........I plan to take my GD to the beach to escape the.hustle ....weather and permissions granted of course ......you'll be hearing from me no doubt ,maybe in the middle of the night when peace reins .....lol
Reigns.......need to get a.moby that can spell..... :P
LL,
The fact that my son's family moved in with me is how I found this site...I was looking for help.
My Son, wife and my grandchild stayed with me 2 times...once for 3 months and about a year later for 6 months.Both times it was for financial reasons. All I wanted to do was help them with a place to live til they got back on their feet. You would be wise to set up boundaries and stick by them..all must remember this is your home and they are guests. Relationships can go from good to horrible in a flash.
Scoop made some really good points.
My DIL did not work during this time and I work at night..so..we were together during the day. During this time is when I found out how controling my DIL is. I gave up my TV for my DIL..she did nothing else. After 2 weeks, I finally told my son...they need to clean up after themselves, and we would have to share the cost of food and DIL would have to cook at least 2 times a week. I never said anything about my grandson because then it would be considered interfering..they once put him in time out and I looked at him and another time I jumped to see if he was OK when he ran into a wall and hit his head. She would threaten with us never seeing our grandson numerous times.
I looked forward to the weekends when they would stay sometimes with her parents.
My DIL almost turned my teenage daughter against my husband and me..and that was the last straw. I asked them to leave.
They were together about a half a year or so longer...they are now divorced.
LL, best of luck to you! The beach sounds amazing, I'm ready to move in myself, LOL. I guess we all care about you so much we want to be sure you have strategies in place to deal with the unpleasantness we all hope will not come to pass, if that makes any sense. My wish is that you are able to enjoy spending this time with your family, especially GC. Take care!
My wish is that when ds & dil leave, you'll have nothing but happy stories to share with us, LL. With your spunk & sense of humor, I think you may just pull it off~ Enjoy that baby...! :)
With all you ladies beside me , I can't fail !!
closing my eyes to all the boxes and packing cases as we speak ...... 8)
GD and I had fun in the bath ...her not me ....we sang duck songs ...and splashed a lot !
LL, I wish you all the luck in the world, it's not going to be easy at times but you're doing the right thing. If I were in your position I'd do it too, I could never say no to any of my kids specially if in need but I must admit I would be a very unhappy camper, now that all my kids have moved out and I've had a taste of having the run of the house again, I wouldn't want to have anyone living with me. Try to focus on your GD and let everything else slide and hopefully time will go by fast and you'll feel good knowing you helped them out and if you're in need of advice or just want to vent you can always come here.
((((Hugs))))
Two Days In :
I am beginning to see why they are in the state they are in ...!
I'm going to need a huge ZIP with a padlock for this old mouth !!....lol
Ha ha ha....you can do this! I bet it is very obvious to you why they are in their shape, but I bet they don't have a clue?
LL, hope it is going well with them being there!
well its been a week , and I must say it's going better than I thought .
enjoying my GD very much , but she thinks I am her personal entertainer and supposed to perform 24/7 !
there are lots of things I don't agree with , but you would be proud of me Scoop !
I am exhausted by it all and must learn to take time out for myself ,but so far so good .
Well I think you're a saint, and if I were living nearby I would volunteer to ease your exhaustion with massage, nice cups of tea, a peaceful retreat, etc.
I just read all the posts LL. I know it won't be easy doing this and you are a sweetheart. But also I know seeing your GD is worth it all right now. I didn't get to see much of minebut when I did I loved every second of it andso did she. I did need lots of rest after!
Not sure why any one wants a wedding when they are short on cash but I see it everyday with others and even my own when she married. Her father told her you can have a check, you can either use it on your wedding or a down payment on the house you both want. She had the wedding..
Well I hope it works out and that your DIL helpsyou cook some, that would be helpful. And leaving to getyour space is something both famlies should do cause it does get tight at times. I am hoping like everyone else you all do ok with this. (fingers crossed)
Amflautist.....What time do you want me?..... ;D
Quote from: lancaster lady on July 18, 2011, 01:09:05 AM
Amflautist.....What time do you want me?..... ;D
(http://www.wisewomenunite.com/Smileys/default/grin.gif) (http://www.wisewomenunite.com/Smileys/default/grin.gif) (http://www.wisewomenunite.com/Smileys/default/grin.gif)
Oh, what I would give to live in merry-ole'-England right now!
thankyou mom B.....early days .
I have had to bite my tongue a few times , and I see them getting ratty with each other .
how stressed must they be ...living with inlaws ...getting married next month ....no money ....!!
Can it get any worse ?
So I do my best and help with the wee one .I'll encourage them to have a night out soon , even an evening
stroll can be bliss , who needs money when you're in love ...... :P
They do...
I really hate to see money cause issues in marriages and other relationships, but it is the major cause of divorce and probably a major cause of other breakups as well. It's hard to not fall into the trap of feeling judged by how much/little money you have. Yet it's true, the best things in life really don't cost much...good books, music, family & friends, nature, art, creativity, laughter, lively discussions...at least I think those are the best. Nice things are nice, but they're just things. It's the feeling we get when others give us more respect or attention because of our things that is so seductive, IMO. I'll admit to it, I understand that feeling well!
Glad to hear so far so good! Woot Woot!
ouch i think this may become a disaster for you , it could make the relationship worse ....be careful you may end up never talking after this , i have been there.
I know myree I have been there too..but, I am hoping things go well for lancaster lady.
I think she realizes what can happen and seems to have a lot of patience..I hope her dil knows she has one of the warmest, gracious mil around.
Awww thank you so much,that means a lot.to me Rose ........we are now two weeks in ......hhhmmmmm.... ! All I can say is we did things differently in my day .lol .....I hope this closeness we have continues after they move out ......haha if they move out .My GD is the Apple of my eye and I hope we remain close forever.
I know Luise ,think I'm making it too comfortable ....perhaps after the wedding . I am ok with it at the moment ,they have had a few nights away so I could recover . :)
We are all a litle overprotective, I know. Sending love...
LL, so glad to hear things are going well!
thanks DVG ....what I'm missing the most is some alone time , so not such a bad complaint .
You need to borrow gd's crown regularly & delegate, LL... :)
Good One Rose !
The latest was unknown to me until a customer of mine spotted a sticker on my rear which said ''Well Done ''......lol
You'll need to keep track of those special events so they can be added to gd's baby book... ;D