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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 07:47:58 PM

Title: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 07:47:58 PM
Ok, so most of you know that I've been struggling with fertility issues.  To compound that we have had a lot of insensitive issues going on with the ILs.  Repeated intrusive questionings, accusations of making stuff up, insinuations that I'm a faulty woman...eh, the list goes on.

I've had a heck of a time trying to juggle a compassionate detachment stance with them and taking care of myself.  Most of the time their antics just roll off my back, like water off a duck.  It's really very rare that I as a person generally get hung up on something so I'm having just a really hard time with the latest stunt. 

BIL decided to inform us his wife was pregnant.  Ok, fair enough.  But she's not due until Feb.  For some reason it just struck me as so callous and rude to call DH up and tell us, Sunday night...out of the blue.  And they are not due for a loooong time.

I know that they don't have many social graces, I know that many people have so many issues with them and their rude behavior. I know that they don't have very good boundaries and can't keep somethings to their selves and think of others.  I *know* this but I can't stop taking this personally. 

I really can't bring myself to say congratulations or really much of anything.  I don't even know if I can be around them for the rest of the summer.  I am proud for how I've handled them so far, I just can't keep it up.

Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 07:57:43 PM
Pam been there hun but let me tell you a story and I hope it helps you a little.  Back when DH and I were trying for a child I found out my SIL was pregnant.  My BIL called they to struggled with infetility and bam it happen.  They didn't call to hurt us but didn't want to leave us out either knowing that we because of DH's SCI we couldn't get pregnant on our own.  I was so upset and I just couldn't bring myself to be happy for them.  Told DH I didn't think I could be around them at Christmas with big belly and talking about baby this baby that.  Then in early Dec when she was 16 weeks she missed carried.  Let me tell you that I was so sick to my stomach over the way I reacted to it.  I felt so much guilit for thinking so many bad things.  I never once wished for a misscarriage but still the guilit was there.  Please I beg you take a step back and think of it this way.  The struggles that infetility can bring are aweful do you really want someone else going though them?  I don't and thats what I had to keep telling myself.

My bff handled my pregnancy with more grace then I even know how to begin to discribe.  She was there cheering me on during my whole pregnancy.  While she had start the process before me.  And she stood that at my shower 100% happy for me.  When she continued to struggle I rooted her DD was 2 1/2 when her son was born.

I think they don't want to hide it from you and have you find out everyone knew and you alone did not.  I am not rooting for you too. 
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 08:08:42 PM
Thank you for telling me that story SassyDI.  It certainly provides a much needed perspective.  I just told DH a few minutes ago I needed an attitude readjustment.

My feelings are so all over the place.  I'm not unhappy for them or jealous.  I just do not understand the way they did it.  And, this is just a pattern of behavior with DHs whole side of the family.  I think they could have handled it much differently and gracefully.

I guess for me, I'm just at the point where I've let a lot of things go with his family.  The awful things they have said and done.  The awful ways they have treated us.  It's just another one of those things that I feel is in bad taste. 
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 08:11:16 PM
opps typo I am now rooting for you too.

Pam is emotional roller coaster those emotions.  What type of treatments are you doing?
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: luise.volta on May 30, 2011, 08:19:00 PM
Thinking of you and the careless, thoughtless notification about next YEAR! Even when you can't expect anything more from them…it's really tacky! Sending love...
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 08:22:22 PM
I was doing injectables and IUI but had a rather bad complication the first round and no pregnancy.  So now they are testing to decide if it is even ok if I continue with any type of reproductive technology b/c since I had the complication once, it makes it much more likely to get it again.  And mine was so bad that I was close to being hospitalized.

Thanks SassyDI for your words.  It helps.

I guess for me that I just felt their timing couldn't have been worse lol.  They knew what was going on for us.  They *just* got pregnant.  The way they did it was so insensitive towards DH and I....I guess they just stump me. 
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 08:23:52 PM
We found out in Sept and they were due in June.  Can I just ask if the whole family was whispering about it and you over heard and knew they were keeping it from  you would that bother you?  I think thats where my BIL was coming from when he dropped it on us.  My BFF told if I kept secerts it woud hurt more.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 08:27:39 PM
I probably wouldn't care who they told or when.  I'm just concerned with how insensitive they handled this.  DH is just sitting on the couch staring at the wall with tears in his eyes right now.  I've tried for the past two hours to comfort him and he's not a really sensitive guy.  They way his brother handled this left a lot to be desired. 

There wasn't any type of kindness or compassion for our plight.  We have received bad news after bad news for the past year.  Lost two pregnancies and have never had a word of condolences from his family.  A lot of gossip and whispering about us and false accusations.  But never a kind word or card to express any type of sympathy on our behalf.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 08:30:14 PM
I probably wouldn't care who they told or when.  I'm just concerned with how insensitive they handled this.  DH is just sitting on the couch staring at the wall with tears in his eyes right now.  I've tried for the past two hours to comfort him and he's not a really sensitive guy.  They way his brother handled this left a lot to be desired. 

There wasn't any type of kindness or compassion for our plight.  We have received bad news after bad news for the past year.  Lost two pregnancies and have never had a word of condolences from his family.  A lot of gossip and whispering about us and false accusations.  But never a kind word or card to express any type of sympathy on our behalf.

It makes men senstive Dh was too.  Some people just don't know how to respond to infetility.  Most people who have never gone though it don't get it.  I need to find you that article hold on.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 08:31:27 PM
http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/how_to_be_good_.html
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 08:33:20 PM
I am off to bed have to help my DH up pretty early tomorrow.  Will be thinking of you and yoru DH tonight. 
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 08:50:47 PM
Thanks for the link and your support, SassyDI.  It helps a lot.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 12:58:31 AM
Awww Pam ...
feeling so sad for you .
My niece is going through similar treatments , and each time is a disappointment .
she consoles herself with amazing holidays , while her siblings are producing babies .
Do you think this was a personal dig at you guys ? Or perhaps they were bursting with joy
and had to tell everyone .
Hope it was the latter . Time for a treat Pam , now where are those bath bombs ??
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 31, 2011, 03:56:30 AM
Awww Pam ...
feeling so sad for you .
My niece is going through similar treatments , and each time is a disappointment .
she consoles herself with amazing holidays , while her siblings are producing babies .
Do you think this was a personal dig at you guys ? Or perhaps they were bursting with joy
and had to tell everyone .
Hope it was the latter . Time for a treat Pam , now where are those bath bombs ??

I think its the latter really I do.  I think people just don't understand at all the hurt it causes.  I think the misscarriage just made me realize if I am not happy for other will they be happy for me when I become a mom?  Futher it wasn't my niece or nephews fault for being born so how could I hold it against him or her.  I worked in an infant room at a child carecenter at the time I was ok with babies it was hard seeing pregnant people more then anything.

Heck my friend who is married to a man 20 years her senior had to watch her niece who was 16 have a baby and then get pregnant again later to learn she had an abortion.  Talk about rip your heart out.  My BFF was so upset it was heart breaking.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 31, 2011, 06:06:00 AM
 LL, thank you.

No I don't think it's a personal dig.  It's just the way they did it and the timing of it was really, really bad.  It wouldn't be as hurtful to either DH or myself if they had handled it a different way.  As Jennifer Aniston once said about Brad Pitt missing a "sensitivity chip."

DH and his siblings were raised in a very competitive environment too.  I got a new car last summer and most of his siblings were upset b/c it was a pretty nice car.  A couple even went out and bought a nicer car right after I did lol.  So for me, it's hard not to take things personally even if they are not personal.  That's just how they are and as I much as I detach, it seems like I keep getting sucked back in.

We've had several family members on my side announce pregnancies and friends but nothing stung DH or I in this way. 
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: SassyDI on May 31, 2011, 06:36:19 AM
LL, thank you.

No I don't think it's a personal dig.  It's just the way they did it and the timing of it was really, really bad.  It wouldn't be as hurtful to either DH or myself if they had handled it a different way.  As Jennifer Aniston once said about Brad Pitt missing a "sensitivity chip."

DH and his siblings were raised in a very competitive environment too.  I got a new car last summer and most of his siblings were upset b/c it was a pretty nice car.  A couple even went out and bought a nicer car right after I did lol.  So for me, it's hard not to take things personally even if they are not personal.  That's just how they are and as I much as I detach, it seems like I keep getting sucked back in.

We've had several family members on my side announce pregnancies and friends but nothing stung DH or I in this way.

Hate people like that.  If they are being cometivie about a baby that is just sad and plain out mean.  Not only to you but for that baby.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: Pooh on May 31, 2011, 06:48:04 AM
"I know that they don't have many social graces, I know that many people have so many issues with them and their rude behavior. I know that they don't have very good boundaries and can't keep somethings to their selves and think of others."

Yep, you know it.  It wasn't personal against you, it's just how they are.  That doesn't make it any less hurtful or thoughtless for you, but you know....they are a bunch of phooey-heads!  They don't deserve your congratulations for being so thoughtless.  They don't deserve a happy thought because they are rude and they definately don't deserve your concern because they never concern themselves with you.

Now, you are going to do it anyway.  Why?  Because you are not like them.  You are selfless, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, sweet, kind and a wonderful person.  You are eventually going to congratulate them and be happy for them because that's who you are.  You will rise above their thoughtless ways and move on, because you are a good person.  They don't deserve it, but you do.  You deserve not to have to worry about feeling badly about wishing them well.  What they don't deserve is your worry.

I am sorry you and DH are having a rough time right now and that people are so thoughtless about what you are going through. 

Ok, now time to laugh:

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their hiney has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their hiney is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: holliberri on May 31, 2011, 07:13:47 AM
Hey Pam,

I've been exactly where you are right now. I had my first m/c the day my nephew was born. Was I happy for  them? Yep. Was I celebratory? No. I even asked personally that to be removed from their e-mails with 48 attachments of baby photos, after I offered my congrats. Was everyone thinking DH and I were ridiculous, selfish, insensitive? Yep. Was I doing it to protect the mental state I was in at the time, so I didn't really care what they thought? Yep. 

Mom flipped out when I moved home two weeks after that decided not to go to a dinner she was having for my brother, his pregnant wife and their DD. She didn't get it. She thought I should be surrounded by happy things, when for that time (about a month), I just wanted to grieve. She told me I was hanging onto pain. Was I? Uh-huh. I knew I wasn't going to do it forever, just for a little while. If I missed a dinner, so what?

I came around just in time for my niece to be born (about a month after the dinner), and headed down south to pitch in, celebrate, help and be happy. I found out while I was down there that I was pregnant again. I would later go onto miscarry a second time, but because I allowed myself to grieve thoroughly the first time, I was in a  much better frame of mind to be around other children /newborns/pregnant women at the time. My grieving process was different the second time around: I was dealt a hand that I just had to figure out to play somehow...acceptance was a lot closer to me that time.

My thoughts are if you need to avoid them for your own personal well-being, absolutely. I think you can be happy and wish them well-wishes from a distance. I know that you'll come around eventually, so it's not like it is permanent. Do what works best for you. You're not being selfish or wrong, you're just protecting yourself for now. Plus, as I say, infertility/miscarriage is not something many people can understand if they haven't been through it themselves.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 31, 2011, 09:24:11 AM
Pooh, lol funny joke.  And you're right, I went out this morning and bought them a card and have already sent it.  I guess I just needed to get it out here, I felt so bad for DH last night.  I talked to my stepmom this morning and the first thing she said was, well aren't you glad you aren't them?  And yeah, I am lol.  I am happy for them, I'm just tired of their behavior.  I'll get over it although DH....I can't tell right now.

Thanks for sharing, Holly.  It is so hard for so many couples, I really wish there was more information out there for the general public.  And you're right, it really is about protecting me, not them. 
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: Pooh on May 31, 2011, 09:49:12 AM
I feel bad for your DH as well.  Men are supposed to be made of steel and we sometimes forget that they have deep feelings too.  Give him some time.  He has to come to grips with it on his own terms.  Have I told you that I really like your SM?  ;D
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: holliberri on May 31, 2011, 12:46:40 PM
Pam,

If DH is distraught over this, it might not be a bad thing. It might be bad now, but I think it means you have a real partner through all of this. You guys are on what I would consider an emotional roller coaster. It's one of the few situations in life where you have no choice but to put fear aside, bite the bullet and keep subjecting yourself to possible hurt in order to have any shot of obtaining the outcome you would like.

I think his hurt shows it is just as important to him as it is to you. I wish his family could be more respectful of his feelings; but I guess family isn't always like that.
Title: Re: Just a little down - anything funny going on guys?
Post by: pam1 on May 31, 2011, 01:07:47 PM
Pooh, haha SM is a good doobie :)  I'm so glad we both hung in there with our relationship.  So stressful when she and my dad first married. 

Holly, thanks that is a good way to look at it!  I get so hung up in trying to protect his feelings, his family is very hard on him.  Very openly critical and disapproving on just about everything he does.