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Hi, Would like some advice on how to deal with the in laws.  My mother in law on Mother's Day approached her son in front of me to tell him that she knows today is Mother's Day, but she wanted to give him a gift.  Then stated after the fact that it does say and family too, but that she wants her son to open it.  I was offended because it was Mother's Day and this is just one of many ways my mother-in-law treats me.  She tells me what we can and can not get her for gifts.  She has actually asked to return some gifts i have bought her and then says she can not find anything she likes in that store, so she gives back the gift and requests money, leaving me with the gift receipt and gift.  she tells me what i should and should not do in my own house and my husband and i fight a lot anymore because he doesn't speak up, but in his defense she always says and does things when he is not present, so he tells me to handle it, but i don't, because i am afraid of offending them.  When I have stood up, she ignores what i say anyways and treats me worse, so i just figured it was best to be silent and try to ignore it and get along.  It is not working because it happens all the time now, her rude remarks or comments on how she thinks things should be done in my home etc.   I could use any suggestions on how to handle this matter.  Thank You

I can't make a choice in that poll :(

Personally, I would not give anymore gifts or spend very much time with them.  I also tend to think that if the parent is not treated well, the child will not be either.  So in good consciense I could not allow my child to spend a whole lot of time with them -- and never unsupervised.  I also am of the "be a role model" type of parent, rather than doing a whole lot of talking and disciplining.  So I tend to think of it as my job to teach DD what is/is not acceptable behavior to accept from others.  Your MIL behavior would definitely be on the unacceptable side, at least concerning gifts.

Welcome btw :)

This sounds  more like an issue between you and your husband at this point.  If he is so unwilling to see what is going on, there is no her behavior will change... This is without doubt reverse enabling at it's best. 

Hello rmd

Welcome to WWU .
I am a MIL , and as a visitor to your house I would respect your rules .
If you DH has told you to handle the situation , then you must take charge in your own house and handle it , as he has
given you his permission , he can't complain if your MIL has a hissy fit.
She thinks you are submissive by your silence .If she continues with her rude remarks , then ask her to leave .
Also with the gifts , she wants to find fault with everything you do . Ask your DH to buy her the next gift , and see if
she returns it .You can tell her her DS bought it !
You don't say how long you have been married , but start as you mean to go on .
When she treats you with respect , you can return it .I think it has to be earned , don't you ?

If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

My F/DIL sent me a photo on M.D.of my GD presenting her with some tulips .
It was a wonderful sight , which melted my heart .

Quote from: Laurie on May 10, 2011, 03:40:06 PM
If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

Laurie I don't get that either if your child or DIL is a mother then you need to step back a little after all you have had a lot of Mother's Days and this new mother hasn't.  I get annoyed with my mom who thinks I need to do what she wants on Mother's Day because she is my mom.  Hello I am a mom too and my DH wants to take me somewhere I want to go.

OP I would tell you DH flat out no more gifts for "Mommy Dearest" if he says no then tell him to go buy them himself.  But don't tell her that way when she comes to you with the gift be like "Oh well go talk to your son after all he picked it out for you."  And move on don't give her money no matter what she says. 

Seriously, if it was the money she's so worried about, I'd probably start making her gifts that are pretty close to free. Can't put a price on that. (Oh look...I glued buttons to my old sock...a puppet!).

Just kidding.

All joking aside, your DH needs to step up and you should not worry about offending him if you handle stuff out of his earshot. If he won't get involved when he's not there and she's pulling a stunt like that, he can't really get involved if you decide to handle things on your own.

Quote from: SassyDI on May 10, 2011, 03:49:38 PM

Quote from: Laurie on May 10, 2011, 03:40:06 PM
If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

Laurie I don't get that either if your child or DIL is a mother then you need to step back a little after all you have had a lot of Mother's Days and this new mother hasn't.  I get annoyed with my mom who thinks I need to do what she wants on Mother's Day because she is my mom.  Hello I am a mom too and my DH wants to take me somewhere I want to go.

OP I would tell you DH flat out no more gifts for "Mommy Dearest" if he says no then tell him to go buy them himself.  But don't tell her that way when she comes to you with the gift be like "Oh well go talk to your son after all he picked it out for you."  And move on don't give her money no matter what she says.

I just don't understand women like that -- how can they expect a whole day catered to them...when there are other mothers in the room?  I for the life of me could not understand how my MIL figured out how Mothers Day extravanganza got put on, her sons didn't do it.  So she's basically sitting there waiting for her daughters (Mothers themselves!) to fawn all over her and make a big to do.

Personally, I'd be pretty embarrassed if that was me.  I asked DH once if it embarrassed him; he didn't even notice until then.

Daughters is supposed to be daughter in laws.  Her own daughters do not do it either.

Quote from: pam1 on May 10, 2011, 04:48:33 PM

Quote from: SassyDI on May 10, 2011, 03:49:38 PM

Quote from: Laurie on May 10, 2011, 03:40:06 PM
If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

Laurie I don't get that either if your child or DIL is a mother then you need to step back a little after all you have had a lot of Mother's Days and this new mother hasn't.  I get annoyed with my mom who thinks I need to do what she wants on Mother's Day because she is my mom.  Hello I am a mom too and my DH wants to take me somewhere I want to go.

OP I would tell you DH flat out no more gifts for "Mommy Dearest" if he says no then tell him to go buy them himself.  But don't tell her that way when she comes to you with the gift be like "Oh well go talk to your son after all he picked it out for you."  And move on don't give her money no matter what she says.

I just don't understand women like that -- how can they expect a whole day catered to them...when there are other mothers in the room?  I for the life of me could not understand how my MIL figured out how Mothers Day extravanganza got put on, her sons didn't do it.  So she's basically sitting there waiting for her daughters (Mothers themselves!) to fawn all over her and make a big to do.

Personally, I'd be pretty embarrassed if that was me.  I asked DH once if it embarrassed him; he didn't even notice until then.

Oh my mom does this everytime even on Father's Day she takes over.  Its annoying DH birthday and my dad's also are  back to back and around Father's Day and my DH told me he wants to go somewhere he wants to this year.  And we will do that. 

Good for you, SassyDI!

Quote from: Holly on May 10, 2011, 05:28:00 PM
Good for you, SassyDI!

I refuse to put up with it no matter who it is.  My parents Dh's father and wife.  If they get upset oh well.  Its not just about them anymore.  DH and i have our little family to think about.

I agree...it's the putting things into practice where I get caught up.

Welcome, RMD. Sorry I didn't get here sooner. I'm supposed to remind you to read the forum information under "Read Me First" if you haven't already done so. Your posts are fine so far, no worries, we remind all newcomers.

I'm sorry you're going through this difficult MIL stuff. I agree that your DH is a critical part of this.

Gosh Pen... showing up late to your own party

Yeah, it figures my computer is being repaired on the one day Grab Bag gets a new poster! I'm bumbling along on my phone.

When your husbands married you they still have mothers...unless they died. 

I think husbands should celebrate mother's as long as they are alive...also...husbands should teach his children (his wife and his children's mother ) how to celebrate mother's day.

RedRose,

I don't think anybody said that they shouldn't. It is the fact that there are parents our there that expect the whole day to be about them. They forget that other people (including their own children) are now parents.

I don't forget that my SIL or my BIL's wife are mothers too. I don't forget that my best friend in California is either. I didn't even forget that women on here were. However, I have a G-ma that threw a fit b/c I was going to spend the day with my DH's mother. I also had a MIL who threw a fit that we didn't make it an entire weekend for her.

It is the people we deal with that expect the entire day to be about them that are the problem. They seem to forgte that celebrating "your own" mother needs to be divided into celebrating your DH's mother as well as possibly even your own motherhood.

Yes RedRose I fully agree.. I'll never stop being my son's mother... but I can also take that giant step back and let his wife and the mother of his child take center stage..... Yes I'd like a phone call at some point just to say hi and I'm thinking about you.. but to come over as a spectator and watch me elevate myself above others especially the young mothers that isn't what it's about either.  Unfortunately there are a whole lot of moms who can not take that step back. 

Thank you all for welcoming me and your posts.  They are helpful and I will always love my mil, but been 28 years and i need to stop the rudeness.  Again thank you all

You've been playing this game for 28 years?

Well, there should always be compromise...especially as the family get bigger.

My children visited Me on Friday, they made plans to visit other family and their own
little families Sat and Sun.

Quote from: RedRose on May 10, 2011, 06:45:41 PM
When your husbands married you they still have mothers...unless they died. 

I think husbands should celebrate mother's as long as they are alive...also...husbands should teach his children (his wife and his children's mother ) how to celebrate mother's day.

So the new mom in your eyes gets no spot light even though you have had mother's day for 20 some years?

I didn't say that...you need to compromise.

Life is too short

Quote from: RedRose on May 10, 2011, 07:05:54 PM
I didn't say that...you need to compromise.

Life is too short

My mom never shared Mother's Day with anyone.  But she feels I am suppose to.

RMD,

You poor thing. 28 years? Time to speak up...even if you're not that pretty about it.

I did speak up once and I was pleasantly surprised that my DH backed me up. Our marriage has improved immensely in the last 8 months or so, and MIL didn't get it at first, but I think some of the things we told her have sunk in.

OMG! 28 years!!! Phew!!!!


I agree with Redrose. Mother's all need to learn to "share" the day (or weekend). We saw MIL on Saturday and my mom on Sunday. When I have my own kids I absolutely expect to be considered on the day, but I would never ever cut DM/MIL out completely. IMHO to do that would be extremely self-centered and rude of me. My dM sacrificed a LOT for me and deserves every ounce that I can give back.

Yes adil.. but it's no longer their limelight alone.

Quote from: Laurie on May 10, 2011, 07:30:51 PM
Yes adil.. but it's no longer their limelight alone.

And as a mother she should remember how special the first few mother's days where.  Every year it gets more and more special for me as DD grows.  Last year I took a year for myself to do what i wanted how I wanted alone.  I called her last year to wish her a happy mother's day.  As she would with her own mother when I was small.

Aren't we all equal in motherhood? Why do we need a hierarchy? Where is our sense of sisterhood?  :D

I have a fantasy that all us moms, from seasoned veterans to newbies to potential moms, get to spend the day sitting with their feet up while the men take care of cooking, childcare, and cleaning. I envision us all clinking our glasses in toasts to each other for a job well done.

I know Pen, that is a nice but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2011, 03:38:07 AM
I know Pen, that is a nice

fantasy

but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

Exactly my mom actually got mad at my sister who was staying at her house for the weekend becaused she went over to FBIL and FSIL house to spend the day.  She needed to give something to her FSIL who's a bridemaide and she wanted to visit with her niece and nephews.  She took her nephews(niece is not even two months) to the park and called me up as it was by my house and asked if I wanted her to take DD.  So my DH went up there too and hung out with them so DD could play with the boys.  MY mom and dad where actually mad over this.  Let me tell you I wasn't I thought it was a nice little mother's day present for myself and my sister FSIL a few hours of relaxation.  My dad and her both though my sister should have stayed at their house all day even though they were just relaxing.  My sister had a party that they were both invited to and so she spend friday with them.  Saturday I really don't count as it was a memorial service for my uncle.  And she planned to come out to dinner with my family.  I don't understand how that is horriable thing but my parents thought it was.  Expectations are far to high sometimes and uncalled for.  Why wasn't she mad at me?  I didn't pack up DD and head over to her house to hang out all day but my sister should have. 

Honestly I always saw MD to be a day where the mom gets pampered because she works so hard taking care of the kids.  As a mother of grown children she's not doing that anymore.  Not to say she shouldn't be honored just not expect everything to be about her.

Someday when DD is a mother I will step back and let her take over the tradition.  And gladly celebrate that my DD is now a mother and hope that while she still wishes me a happy mother's day if she wants time alone with her new family(meaning her children and DH) then I will respect that and gladly accept my phone call.

Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2011, 03:38:07 AM
I know Pen, that is a nice

fantasy

but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

Well, here's another one lol.... DH's G-ma is basically worshipped on Mother's Day (same thing fro G-pa on FD). EVERYONE gets together. All 4 daughters, their husbands, their 15 kids, their kids wives, and the great-grandkids. If you don't go (as we did not this year and will not in the future) you are bad-mouthed to kingdom come.

When I said "share," I meant that DM/MIL should also be recognized. If your kids give you breakfast in bed, what's wrong with going to see your DM or MIL in the afternoon OR the day before/after?

I think people just have too many differing ideas of holidays -- and that's fine.  What's not fine is when one party attempts consistently to take over that holiday with their wants and wishes.  That's where I think Laurie is on to something, it does seem like a pattern where the Grandma has not stepped down from active Mother role and give permission and/or encourage their children to celebrate their spouses on Mothers/Fathers Day.  I think it is a legitimate subject.

What may be recognition to you or me, others will take as a snub. 

Personally, Mothers Day to me is for the active, in the trenches Mothers.  And I think that's a valid pov.  I still acknowledge my stepmom and some other moms I know, and yes still my MIL just not in the way she demands.  But, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me to spend the day catering to Grandma when Mom is running after a toddler, has kids in school etc.  As a parent, I'd like to think I would have the grace to step down and back and graciously accept whatever is offered.  At least in my FOO I know if I ask what do they want, can i get you something, both of my parents and stepparents have always said "you don't have to get me anything or do anything" and *meant* it.  Over time I realized just how much of a gift this was. 

Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2011, 03:38:07 AM
I know Pen, that is a nice

fantasy

but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

First off, welcome rmd.  What an awful situation for you to be in, and for so many years.  I agree that I would not buy her anything else and let DH do it.  I also would never give someone money in exchange for a gift they didn't like.  That is just downright rude and ungracious on her part to even consider asking for that, let alone actually doing it.  I would just tell your DH that from now on, he is in charge of getting his M gifts.

Laurie, you are right when it comes to Mothers that can't step back and acknowledge that their DIL or DD is now a Mother and deserves the spotlight.  I will say that I think the reason you don't see many stories of M, SM, GM or whoever traveling to the new Mom's place, is lack of invite in some cases.  I personally know in my circle of friends (that do get along with the DIL, DD, etc. and have one big get-together) that their DILs, DD's, etc.  do not want to play hostess and have all the work of hosting the get-together.  My friends feel like they are actually honoring the new Mom by hosting the event and putting in all the work so the new Mom can relax and enjoy.  Of course, that's talking about Mother's that don't feel that the day is about them.

Just because I am no longer chasing around kids, does not disqualify me for all the years I did.  I don't expect to be center stage on Mother's day any longer (althought when I was a young Mother, I wasn't center stage then, I shared it with my Mom and MIL), but I would like a visit (another day is fine) or a phone call.  I don't even want a gift, just a phone call saying Happy Mother's Day!  That's it...I'm good.  In my fantasy world, I would love to be able to say to my DIL (if they had children) "Hey, I would love to celebrate Mother's day with you if you're up to it?  Can I invite you out to eat, or I can cook for you, or whatever you like.  I would also like to take you for a manicure and pedicure, massage or buy something you really want that you will not spend the money on youself.  You just let me know what you would like and when would be a good time for you."  My perfect Xanadu again.

Gosh Pooh did you accidentally curse and had to modify your own posting :)

I too appreciated the phone call... I was two days late calling my own Mom... this is going to sound silly.. but by time everyone calls her and some of her grandkids call her as well.. she's spent the entire day on the phone and is usually getting a tad phone cranky by time I call.. so I've learned that we can have a nice conversation if I call either before or after the event.

So let us recap... we have
appreciate
late
phone
I've
nice
event

What's that spell?  A L P I N E ... what's that spell  A L P I N E  (louder...louder please) ALPINE

No, no cursing...even better.  Went to hit spell check and hit post when I was 3/4's the way through the post...Lol.  Had to modify to go back and add the last few lines.

Since we went to Georgia this weekend to be at my two great nieces birthday party and my Mom was going, I cheated.  I took her present along with me and gave it to her there! Worked for her, worked for me...all is well.  And DH called his Mother on Sunday and let her know that we were not getting back to late, so he asked if she was ok with him bringing her gift on his way to work Monday.  She was thrilled.  It's so nice when everyone is so compromising.

I am going to move over to the Mother's day post and post what happened to me in regards to Mother's day...so you guys can have a good laugh.

Quote from: rmd on May 10, 2011, 02:59:40 PM
When I have stood up, she ignores what i say anyways and treats me worse, so i just figured it was best to be silent and try to ignore it and get along.  It is not working because it happens all the time now, her rude remarks or comments on how she thinks things should be done in my home etc.   I could use any suggestions on how to handle this matter.  Thank You

Lots of people have trouble using the word "no" word.  I used to be one of them.  A pastor who was going door to door, invited us to his new church.  I spoke with him for a couple of minutes & said dh & I would try to make it one day.  When we didn't show up that Sunday, he was back at my door on Monday, demanding to know why we weren't there.  I didn't have a screen door at the time, so I did whatever I could to get him off my doorstep.  The next Sun. rolled around, & sure enough, on Mon., he & his wife both were at my door.  I asked if they'd noticed my new "no solicitor" sign. I told them I bought it with them in mind, & to get off my step & don't ever come back!  The next week, they left a book on my doormat.  Then about two months later, I heard on the news he'd been arrested for planning to bomb an abortion clinic.  Sometimes we have to be stern with people.  Your Mil sounds like one of them.  If necessary, practice in a mirror.  Once you learn to stand up for yourself, your mil will back off.   

Pooh, I agree, all mothers should be celebrated.  It is ideal if all generations can celebrate together, and in the past I have.  I would never have dreamed of not including my mother just because I was a mother too.  I did spend some time with ydd, but she celebrated separately with her family.  Did not hear a word from odd.
Pen, I have friends who lived your fantasy.  My friend's son and husband did all the cooking while she and dil took it easy.

Jill   

That's my point, no hierarchy! All mothers, not just the old matriarchs or just the current childrearers (is that a word?) You never stop being a mom, and your influence lasts a lifetime. Most of us are at least grateful for having been birthed in the first place, even if our moms were of less than Donna Reed status. New moms have the joy of getting honored by their little ones which is so very precious.

Jill, that sounds like a very civilized, convivial day for your friend & her DIL. Good for them!

When I had my first child the experience connected me with every other mom on the planet from the beginning of human life on (sorry, original humans, if I'm being presumptuous.) It was an extraordinary feeling...a lot of clarity about my mother, women of previous generations, women around the world, all the joys & sorrows, etc. I didn't feel any more or less entitled to adulation or a worry-free existence than any other mother. It's incredible to me that rather than feeling bound by our shared experience we find ourselves fighting for a better position in the Motherhood Hit Parade.

Quote from: Pen on May 12, 2011, 08:51:56 AM

That's my point, no hierarchy! All mothers, not just the old matriarchs or just the current childrearers (is that a word?) You never stop being a mom, and your influence lasts a lifetime. Most of us are at least grateful for having been birthed in the first place, even if our moms were of less than Donna Reed status. New moms have the joy of getting honored by their little ones which is so very precious.

Jill, that sounds like a very civilized, convivial day for your friend & her DIL. Good for them!

When I had my first child the experience connected me with every other mom on the planet from the beginning of human life on (sorry, original humans, if I'm being presumptuous.) It was an extraordinary feeling...a lot of clarity about my mother, women of previous generations, women around the world, all the joys & sorrows, etc. I didn't feel any more or less entitled to adulation or a worry-free existence than any other mother. It's incredible to me that rather than feeling bound by our shared experience we find ourselves fighting for a better position in the Motherhood Hit Parade.

Love this!

That's a wonderful vision Pen.. I fully agree but......... unfortunately as much as we would wish for it, typically this is not the case and based on the stories here the majority of the time there is a very defined pecking order.  How can people realistically abide by this wonderful aura of no hierarchy when most are here because of exactly that.

Life would be a little more special if this was not the case... you are right.. you never stop being a mom but when our children grow up and marry our place in the family immediately changes and if successful we accept and embrace the change ...  we already accepted the fact that we were no longer 'mommy' when our kids hit puberty... we even took a step back and gave them some air.  We do this repeatedly throughout their lives at all the different stages.. yet there are "SOME" women who are so latched onto that Mary Magdalene mode they actually demand that there be this pecking order.

Unfortunately this hierarchical system is applied to many of our lives on a daily basis.  The dil who places and values her FOO over that of her husbands, etc.

My point is it sounds like and I'm generalizing here (forgive me) that so many women are willing to overlook the younger mothers in order to justify the importance of the day applying more to themselves then their own daughters and daughter-in-laws.

We also have many here that have embraced and accepted the change, but still get kicked in the teeth.  We have it both ways here.

I guess it all comes down to the kind of person one was before being a DIL, DM, or MIL...self-involved, overbearing people come in all acronyms, IMHO. So can kind, thoughtful people.

Quote from: Pen on May 13, 2011, 12:06:58 AM
I guess it all comes down to the kind of person one was before being a DIL, DM, or MIL...self-involved, overbearing people come in all acronyms, IMHO. So can kind, thoughtful people.

I agree.  I think it just boils down to a person period.  I also think that people can be highly influenced by another person and be lured into thinking being a different way is better.  Other people are able to pull away and say "I'm not going to be like that".  Throw all of those people into one room, you are going to have some chaos.