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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 05:15:22 am

Title: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 05:15:22 am
DH gets mad at me for not really trusting GMIL anymore.  I can clearly see where FIL gets his "Your going to do what I say" attitude from.  The woman as I said in another post was very rude to me when DD was concieved.  She was against IVF and repeatly told my DH to go to confession because what he did was wrong.  During my pregnancy every time I showed her my ultrasound she would freak out over it.  The first time she was like "what is this called"  I answer "A baby"  her "No no what does a Scientisit call it "I was like a fetus"  Waving it the ultrasound picture in the air her daughter standing next to me she starts saying "I don't know why they call it that its a baby.  And how can anyone have an abortion looking at this.  That is a life. Blah blah blah blah."  I wanted to so badly grab the picture of DD out of my hand and I was thinking in my head "Why are we talking about abortion no one is aborting that baby."  She did it the few times she saw the pictures.

The last straw for me came on my 30th(2010) birthday she calls me up to wish me a happy birthday.  She calls up and starts talking about my DD then talks about SisIL and DN visit.(Long story but we did not see them I got an FB message that was like last minute and the time before that a text and so we just ignored it.  DH was pissed that BIL didn't even call because we know he called the rest of the fam) and she was talking about cute things DN did I got her back to DD then she goes back to DN.  Then begins to yell at me using God and how I need to do A. B. and C.   I don't know about but when people use God in fight I tune them out.  I kept telling her I wasn't going to argue and that I had to go (Dh was taking me to dinner).  She kept talking and I kept saying goodbye.  Finally I just said sorry got to go goodbye and hung up.  She leaves a message telling my DH to call her back.  He does after dinner and she is telling him I had no right to hang up on her.  I told DH and he then told GMIL that I did say goodbye but you were  not listening.  She said it was still wrong.  Really you can't say someone is rude if they say goodbye and you are to busy in your rant to listen to them.  I don't have to stay on the phone.  She tells DH I never did wish SassyDI a "Happy Birthday"  And I was thinking yeah I kind of noticed.

The biggest problem I have with her she is quick to judge me and tell me what I did wrong and I need to ask forgiveness but she doesn't do it with the rest of the fam.  Her worse offence doesn't even come from anything with FIL and his wife.  It steams from how she reacted to me about DH's Uncle her SonIL.  I have always found Dh's Uncle werid but never was creeped out by him until a couple years back he start becoming touchy in places she should not be touching.  The first time he brushed my breast I was uncomforable but thought it was a mistake.  We only see them once to twice a year so the next time I took note and it happen again.  The following Christmas the last one I had at my house he came in and came up behind me and pulled me into a hug from behind and I was fighting to get him off me no one seemed to notice.  DH who isn't good with conflict yet went to Law School didn'mt know how to handle it.  Spoke to his father and learned FILW also had been treated that way.  DH's dad told DH he would talk to his BIL and take care of it.  DH called also to speak with GMIL and told her about it.  She blamed me saying SassyDI has big boobs UNcle would never do something like that on purpose.  SassyDI has big boob?  Yes I have big boobs and I get lots of hugs from family and friends.  Including my close friends husband's and no one ever brushes my boobs.  I was so angry with her.  I know its not her fault but DH was trying to get advice from her and how to handle it.  DH's AUnt(GMIL DD) has MS and DH didn't want to hurt her.(kind of annoys me but I get it at the same time.   After that it stopped for a while.  Last time was Oct 2009 DD was 18 months when BIL and SisIL came in with DN and we had a party at our house and he did it yet again.  I told DH that  flat out if Uncle touchs me ever again Aunt will no and I will punch him in the face.  And that if he ever touchs DD your going to have to call the cops because I will go after him.  I don't want him touching DD I don't trust him.  My BIL was standing right there and had a dirty look on his face.  I don't know why I would hope it was over his uncle sadly probably thinks I am trying to cut out another family memember but whatever.  Its not ok for him to touch me.  I refuse to go to a family fuction where he is at. 

For me I notice DH having a hard time standing up for me and it hurts.  And while its not GMIL job if I heard that my daughter's husband was doing that to my Grandson's wife I wouldn't be blaming her I would be telling him to back off.  Further I would tell her how sorry I was that she should not be treated that way.  You don't blame the victum. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 05:28:50 am
SassyDI,

I believe that often, when a woman is taken advantage of, people are quick to victim-blame.
"Oh well, she deserved it because of XYZ." That couldn't be further from the truth. We should hold the people that do bad things responsible for their actions, not the victim.

I don't think you were wrong for what you did. I do think GMIL was wrong for what she did. I also think that while I can defend myself, I believe that my DH had better be defending me as well.  Not because I need it, just out of principle. I can understand why you'd be hurt.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 06:05:20 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 05:15:22 am
"I don't know why they call it that its a baby.  And how can anyone have an abortion looking at this.  That is a life. Blah blah blah blah." 


If this is what Aunt? said I must admit that I am confused by your reaction. She was not in any way stating that you were going to have an abortion or even considering having an abortion. She looked at the picture and couldn't understand why anyone after seeing a child on an ultrasound could have an abortion. You should let this go. She didn't mean to offend you.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 06:08:05 am
I think SassyDI is offended because a complete political/ideological statement was being made about her baby...between being told to go to Confession for having sinned and then bringing a controversial topic into it.

Very poor taste, IMO. It is depersonalizing a very special time.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 06:09:11 am
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 06:05:20 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 05:15:22 am
"I don't know why they call it that its a baby.  And how can anyone have an abortion looking at this.  That is a life. Blah blah blah blah." 


If this is what Aunt? said I must admit that I am confused by your reaction. She was not in any way stating that you were going to have an abortion or even considering having an abortion. She looked at the picture and couldn't understand why anyone after seeing a child on an ultrasound could have an abortion. You should let this go. She didn't mean to offend you.


No its what I was thinking. And she kept going on about it.  After all DH and I went though she turned what was a happy moment into her out busts yet again.  And that wasn't the first time.  An ultrasound picture to any new mother is very specail.  We don't want to here about your prolife beliefs when you are looking at it.  Just say ahh how sweet and move on and keep it to yourself.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 06:13:56 am
Well, yeah, I know I'm Scum because I would probably fall guilty of making a statement like that too. I didn't think it was offensive.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 06:16:49 am
Who called anyone Scum, ADil?

There was also an issue about being told she sinned for having gone to IVF. She's politicizing a very special time. It's okay for people to be offended by it.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 06:17:47 am
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 06:08:05 am
I think SassyDI is offended because a complete political/ideological statement was being made about her baby...between being told to go to Confession for having sinned and then bringing a controversial topic into it.

Very poor taste, IMO. It is depersonalizing a very special time.


Right she already told DH about going to confession I was getting over that rude comment.  Personally I know its her belief system but she is so pushy.  DH's family wouldn't answer the phone on Sunday's because GMIL would call to check to see if they were at chruch.  It was none of her business.  She tries to push her beliefs on you and if you don't agree will send you articles.  She knows better then to give me anything.  When she handed BIL a article on being aganist Stem Cell researh she didn't hand one to DH or I.  A wise choice.   She also knows I am prochoice when it comes to voting and I it bothers her.

Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 06:19:25 am
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 06:13:56 am
Well, yeah, I know I'm Scum because I would probably fall guilty of making a statement like that too. I didn't think it was offensive.


Thats fine but I do.  And when someone does it to you, you can feel how you want.  Why tell me to let it go?  I do have a right to have feelings last time I checked.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 06:20:53 am
Ah...there it is. I would take that as a dig at my personal and political values too in  your position. It's okay to disagree, it's completely another to be pushy about it.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 06:25:23 am
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 06:20:53 am
Ah...there it is. I would take that as a dig at my personal and political values too in  your position. It's okay to disagree, it's completely another to be pushy about it.


Oh I think it was too.  When I told her that I am prolife for myself minus rape but that I vote prochoice because I don't feel I get to decided for other woman.   she was angry.  DH was like why did you tell her that.  She started the convo I am not scared to state my views.  Then she brought Jake Kevorkian and about how hew wrong it was that he helped all those people.  DH and I were very confused what that had to do with abortion.  And she isn't friendly when she talks either she gets very angry. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 06:38:53 am
My MIL is like that. Even when I do agree with her I get upset b/c of how she treats the people that disagree with her. She gets red in the face and stands up and down. She's very dismissive and as her point falls apart, the more upset she gets.

I've decided I leave the room when she starts talking politics. Period. It's better for my own blood pressure. She knows my views...I've exhausted myself explaining them to her. She knows how I feel, so at this point she must just be trying to convince me to change my point of view.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 06:44:49 am
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 06:38:53 am
My MIL is like that. Even when I do agree with her I get upset b/c of how she treats the people that disagree with her. She gets red in the face and stands up and down. She's very dismissive and as her point falls apart, the more upset she gets.

I've decided I leave the room when she starts talking politics. Period. It's better for my own blood pressure. She knows my views...I've exhausted myself explaining them to her. She knows how I feel, so at this point she must just be trying to convince me to change my point of view.


I do the same thing.  FIL wife is just like MIL in this.  This was a long time ago but we were driving in my DH's van and she FIL and BIL were in the back.  ANd she she is R FIL and rest of us our D's.  She was trying to tell FIL that he shouldn't vote for the D but vote R and why.  It was very pushy.  And she too gets very angry about you not seeing it her way.  I don't do pushy very well.   
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 06:49:20 am
I've noticed that even if I agree with people, if they are pushy...I start looking for reasons why they're wrong. Terrible, I know. I just think it is a way for me to convince myself I'm still half reasonable and I am secure to change my point of view if provided the right kind of information.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 07:13:38 am
ADil,

I'm sorry that what I said offended you. I would never imply that you're scum. I would be just as taken back if someone decided to unleash pro-choice views on me at the exact moment I simply showed them an U/S photo. I just think it was the wrong place, wrong time.  I just meant the actions were bad, not the point of view. I think everyone is entitled to their opinion and I do welcome debate.

Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 07:33:38 am
I was not offended by you at all, Holly.  :)
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 07:40:44 am
Well I didn't call you scum so I don't know why you said that.  We just don't agree.  And I have to ask why would you look at an ultrasound picture and talk about abortion
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: free_at_last on May 06, 2011, 08:01:40 am
I think the abortion statement was offensive because she knew your views on the matter when she said it.  She was trying to draw you into an argument and it was a completely inappropriate time for that.  If she hadn't already known your position on pro-life/pro-choice it probably wouldn't have been that big of a deal to you.  In this case I would have been extremely offended as well because she was trying to use it as a moment to preach her views to you when what she have been doing is congratulating you.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 08:15:03 am
QuoteDuring my pregnancy every time I showed her my ultrasound she would freak out over it.  The first time she was like "what is this called"


If you were met with anything less then the response you had hoped for the first time, why would you continue to bring up the subject repeatedly?  The response that I'm sure your mil (whatever title she is to you) was looking for is you were showing her a sonogram.  Is it possible that your flippant response of a baby was not the answer she was looking for?  For some reason I would think that she knew it was a fetus.   

I just received a image inserted in my Easter Card from ds/dil...I don't know why but I was not jumping with joy to see their undeveloped child my first thoughts were not 'wow look it's actually a baby how could anyone harm this' yet I can see where that may enter the minds of many.  That line of thinking would actually be placing a great value on this little humans life and while maybe not worded correctly or impeccably timed, instead of looking for an insult I think I would have say 'wow you're right, how could anyone harm this human life'.

If you were insulted then that is your choice.. but to go back at her yet again each time you had a new image was not a fair way to approach the subject either.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 08:20:51 am
Laurie,

I am not positive, but is it possible that other people were having SassyDI show the U/S photos and GMIL just happened to be there? MIL required I take my U/S photos everywhere with me so evyerone could see.

Then there was the baby shower after all the family events...U/S photos were passed around yet again. Not by my own doing.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: Pen on May 06, 2011, 08:28:25 am
As usual, I'm confused and need clarification. Did I read this wrong or did SassyDI say that the first response from the IL was "What is it? What do scientists call it?" as if "it" was somehow less than a real human baby since "it" had been conceived by IVF? And then in the next breath the IL is promoting her pro-life views? I agree that the scenario made a special moment into something awful for SassyDI. If that's the case, I know I wouldn't want to show them another U/S.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 08:31:32 am
Yeah, I feel SassyDI was either being goaded into argument or made fun of for her views. It had little to do with valuing a life in that instance.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 08:37:06 am
Holly that is why I quoted Sassy's words... if she cares to add clarification she can go right ahead.. but her words were that she showed her repeatedly.

Pen... while it's possible I'd hate to think of anyone attempting to look like a stupid idiot by not understanding what a baby or fetus is... but the proper name of a sonogram could escape someones everyday language (unless you're a pregnant mom-to-be)  That would be the scientific name  for the image.... that I could see her asking.

It's just typical of most everything.. if you want to get huffy or offended, it's a piece of cake to do.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 08:43:15 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 08:37:06 am
but the proper name of a sonogram could escape someones everyday language (unless you're a pregnant mom-to-be)  That would be the scientific name  for the image.... that I could see her asking.


How old is GMIL? Since she is a GMIL I would assume she is "older" than most. Back in the day, U/S photos weren't as common as today. I mean, my mom had DB in 1984. She didn't have a U/S photo.... Soooooo, maybe GMIL had never seen one before? And your Aunt? made the next comment? Or was that still GMIL?
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: Pen on May 06, 2011, 08:47:39 am
That's true, Laurie. It's hard for us to know since we weren't there to witness the tone of voice or facial expressions. It's probably better to assume no ill intent until it's made very clear that that was what was intended. And even then it's probably a good idea to let it go unless it is unforgivably horrid. To go back in and expect different results isn't productive either.

That's a good point too, ADIL. The sonogram probably looked like a confusing blob to GMIL. She may have been feeling defensive because she couldn't clearly see the baby; a lot of older people act that way when they feel old and out of touch w/technology.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: pam1 on May 06, 2011, 08:52:10 am
LOL, I can't even make out most sonogram pictures.

I do know quite a few people who think showing u/s pictures is not polite.  Personally, I don't understand either way but to each their own.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:03:56 am
first off it was DH's grandma(GMIL) not his dad's wife.  2nd I only saw her at family functions while pregnant and yes I brought my U/S to show to family.  Why should I have to hide my U/S because she choose to act like a fool. Sorry Laurie how am I wrong wanting to show off my baby a baby that took a very long time to have.  I should be able to show her off proudly.   Was it a slight towards my IVF I don't think so but maybe it was.  She was very angry with DH and I for what we did.  Was it about my prochoice thinking oh I think so.

GMIL looks at the picture "What do they call this"

Me  "A baby"

GMIL "NO scinentist what do they call babies again?"

Me " a fetus"

GMIL "Begins her rant about abortion"

That was what was said DH was talking with his Aunt (creepy Uncle's wife) and Grandma, being nice trying to include the woman who told my hubby to go to confession.  Yeah I was being the better person and she couldn't be.   Yes she knew my point of view by then and I didn't take the bait.  Did she know that name I have no clue.  Fine think it but you should never talk about to the M-2-B.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:05:37 am
Quote from: Pen on May 06, 2011, 08:47:39 am
That's true, Laurie. It's hard for us to know since we weren't there to witness the tone of voice or facial expressions. It's probably better to assume no ill intent until it's made very clear that that was what was intended. And even then it's probably a good idea to let it go unless it is unforgivably horrid. To go back in and expect different results isn't productive either.

That's a good point too, ADIL. The sonogram probably looked like a confusing blob to GMIL. She may have been feeling defensive because she couldn't clearly see the baby; a lot of older people act that way when they feel old and out of touch w/technology.


If I showed you the picture you could clearly see that it was a baby I was 12 weeks and my photo was very clear.  I have never seen an image be so clear
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:09:45 am
She also said it when my D3pictures where past around at the shower.  So I shouldn't have brought my 3D pictures to the shower because I knew she would be there.  I was talking to another family close by her at the time they got handed too.  I really want to take book and skip her but that would have been rude right?  So I held my tounge.  Again being the better person.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 09:23:02 am
As long as you aren't taking the bait, just consider the source. I an sorry she doesnt seem too respect you.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:28:16 am
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 09:23:02 am
As long as you aren't taking the bait, just consider the source. I an sorry she doesnt seem too respect you.


Nope not taking bait from her.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 09:36:31 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:03:56 am
first off it was DH's grandma(GMIL) not his dad's wife.  2nd I only saw her at family functions while pregnant and yes I brought my U/S to show to family.  Why should I have to hide my U/S because she choose to act like a fool. Sorry Laurie how am I wrong wanting to show off my baby a baby that took a very long time to have.  I should be able to show her off proudly.   Was it a slight towards my IVF I don't think so but maybe it was.  She was very angry with DH and I for what we did.  Was it about my prochoice thinking oh I think so.



GMIL "NO scinentist what do they call babies again?"

Me " a fetus"

GMIL "Begins her rant about abortion"

That was what was said DH was talking with his Aunt (creepy Uncle's wife) and Grandma, being nice trying to include the woman who told my hubby to go to confession.  Yeah I was being the better person and she couldn't be.   Yes she knew my point of view by then and I didn't take the bait.  Did she know that name I have no clue.  Fine think it but you should never talk about to the M-2-B.


Well Sassy do you see how it's easy to become offended when someone was not attempting to offend you?  I went back and looked  you have  changed your wording but there is really no need in becoming offended  when I said that you would  need to clarify in order to understand the progression of events.

Where  did I ever say that you were  'wrong' for wanting to show someone your undeveloped baby pictures?  Personally I think it would be more polite to say hey would you be interested in seeing them ..  Personally photos of my dil's uterus is not what I find conversation worthy.   I said you were wrong for expecting a different response.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 09:47:09 am
What is the age of this gmil?
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:54:06 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 09:47:09 am
What is the age of this gmil?


I don't see what ages has to do with anything.  Personally I hate when people use that excuse "There old and set in there ways."  Doesn't give a person the right to be rude, mean and pushy. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:58:01 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 09:36:31 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:03:56 am
first off it was DH's grandma(GMIL) not his dad's wife.  2nd I only saw her at family functions while pregnant and yes I brought my U/S to show to family.  Why should I have to hide my U/S because she choose to act like a fool. Sorry Laurie how am I wrong wanting to show off my baby a baby that took a very long time to have.  I should be able to show her off proudly.   Was it a slight towards my IVF I don't think so but maybe it was.  She was very angry with DH and I for what we did.  Was it about my prochoice thinking oh I think so.



GMIL "NO scinentist what do they call babies again?"

Me " a fetus"

GMIL "Begins her rant about abortion"

That was what was said DH was talking with his Aunt (creepy Uncle's wife) and Grandma, being nice trying to include the woman who told my hubby to go to confession.  Yeah I was being the better person and she couldn't be.   Yes she knew my point of view by then and I didn't take the bait.  Did she know that name I have no clue.  Fine think it but you should never talk about to the M-2-B.


Well Sassy do you see how it's easy to become offended when someone was not attempting to offend you?  I went back and looked  you have  changed your wording but there is really no need in becoming offended  when I said that you would  need to clarify in order to understand the progression of events.

Where  did I ever say that you were  'wrong' for wanting to show someone your undeveloped baby pictures?  Personally I think it would be more polite to say hey would you be interested in seeing them ..  Personally photos of my dil's uterus is not what I find conversation worthy.   I said you were wrong for expecting a different response.


You and I see it differently. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:58:54 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 09:36:31 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:03:56 am
first off it was DH's grandma(GMIL) not his dad's wife.  2nd I only saw her at family functions while pregnant and yes I brought my U/S to show to family.  Why should I have to hide my U/S because she choose to act like a fool. Sorry Laurie how am I wrong wanting to show off my baby a baby that took a very long time to have.  I should be able to show her off proudly.   Was it a slight towards my IVF I don't think so but maybe it was.  She was very angry with DH and I for what we did.  Was it about my prochoice thinking oh I think so.



GMIL "NO scinentist what do they call babies again?"

Me " a fetus"

GMIL "Begins her rant about abortion"

That was what was said DH was talking with his Aunt (creepy Uncle's wife) and Grandma, being nice trying to include the woman who told my hubby to go to confession.  Yeah I was being the better person and she couldn't be.   Yes she knew my point of view by then and I didn't take the bait.  Did she know that name I have no clue.  Fine think it but you should never talk about to the M-2-B.


Well Sassy do you see how it's easy to become offended when someone was not attempting to offend you?  I went back and looked  you have  changed your wording but there is really no need in becoming offended  when I said that you would  need to clarify in order to understand the progression of events.

Where  did I ever say that you were  'wrong' for wanting to show someone your undeveloped baby pictures?  Personally I think it would be more polite to say hey would you be interested in seeing them ..  Personally photos of my dil's uterus is not what I find conversation worthy.   I said you were wrong for expecting a different response.


Would you find your Daughter's worthy?
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 10:03:25 am
see sassy without reason or justification you are becoming very very defensive and attempting to twist my words as note on that last posting of yours.... shall choose not to play that game with you, so do enjoy your day
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:05:24 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 10:03:25 am
see sassy without reason or justification you are becoming very very defensive and attempting to twist my words as note on that last posting of yours.... shall choose not to play that game with you, so do enjoy your day


Funny because thats how I am feeling. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 10:10:47 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:54:06 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 09:47:09 am
What is the age of this gmil?


I don't see what ages has to do with anything.  Personally I hate when people use that excuse "There old and set in there ways."  Doesn't give a person the right to be rude, mean and pushy.


That goes both ways.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:12:33 am
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 10:10:47 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:54:06 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 09:47:09 am
What is the age of this gmil?


I don't see what ages has to do with anything.  Personally I hate when people use that excuse "There old and set in there ways."  Doesn't give a person the right to be rude, mean and pushy.


That goes both ways.


And I didn't get rude mean or pushy to her.  Nope I was polite so I don't get what your getting at. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:20:08 am
What I really wanted to do that first time was not show her at all but I was the bigger person. This was at her DH"s dad's suprise party.(if i said christmas I was mistaken)

The 2nd time was at Christmas I showed the fam the video of DD sucking her tumb.  She said it during the video.  Dh asked if his family wanted to see it.

3rd time was DH's party at his house I don't remember her saying anything then if she saw it I showed some family but can't remember her during that

Last pics I got where at my shower and she got the book before I could stop her. 

It wasn't like I had 20 ultrasunds I had like 4 or5 and she saw the first 3 at
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 10:21:02 am
Actually you weren't but that would be a different topic.... it's all in how you chose to view it... I see baiting, you see .. I'm not sure what you see.. but I took your postings as rude, so rude is how I get to view it.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:21:37 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:20:08 am
What I really wanted to do that first time was not show her at all but I was the bigger person. This was at her DH"s dad's suprise party.(if i said christmas I was mistaken)

The 2nd time was at Christmas I showed the fam the video of DD sucking her tumb.  She said it during the video.  Dh asked if his family wanted to see it.

3rd time was DH's party at his house I don't remember her saying anything then if she saw it I showed some family but can't remember her during that

Last pics I got where at my shower and she got the book before I could stop her. 

It wasn't like I had 20 ultrasunds I had like 4 or5 and she saw the first 3 at


she saw the first thee at Dh's dad suprise party
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:24:24 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 10:21:02 am
Actually you weren't but that would be a different topic.... it's all in how you chose to view it... I see baiting, you see .. I'm not sure what you see.. but I took your postings as rude, so rude is how I get to view it.


Laurie your losing me now.  So showing a picture to the future great grandma is rude?  Wow I didn't know trying to show her the picture to include her even after she was rude to dh wasn't ok.  I don't see how showing a picture of my baby is rude? 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 10:28:15 am
I view your defensive rantings and attackings of anyone who dares to disagree with you or offer you a different POV as rude. GMIL was baiting you. You claim you didn't take the bait and were the bigger person. Well, the bigger person wouldn't still be bothered by it after all this time.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:31:45 am
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 10:28:15 am
I view your defensive rantings and attackings of anyone who dares to disagree with you or offer you a different POV as rude. GMIL was baiting you. You claim you didn't take the bait and were the bigger person. Well, the bigger person wouldn't still be bothered by it after all this time.


Anonymous I don't know why but it seems every post I post in here you are telling me how wrong I am.  Maybe because as I wrote there are other things that have happen.  And everything builds up and snowballs to the point where things can't just be let go. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 10:42:52 am
SassyDI,

I don't think you've been defensive, but I think you could work on letting go of some things. Your DD is 3 now. A lot of time has passed.

NOt b/c you owe it to GMIL, but b/c you owe it to yourself. Don't you have enough going on in your life?
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 10:43:23 am
I mean, I am overwhelmed by my life...and you, hands down, have a lot more to do than I do. I'm not trying to be mean.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:54:31 am
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 10:42:52 am
SassyDI,

I don't think you've been defensive, but I think you could work on letting go of some things. Your DD is 3 now. A lot of time has passed.

NOt b/c you owe it to GMIL, but b/c you owe it to yourself. Don't you have enough going on in your life?


I don't really think about that much I don't.  But I have been going over my feelings about her the last few days. And what I am feeling about what happen with the Uncle.  I am trying to really process going forward what to do.  DH and I have been talking about it.  So much more that is just scrapping the tip of what she and I have been though over the years.  Like this year DH got mad at me yes mad for not wanting to answer the phone when she called to wish my happy birthday.  He didn't get it at all.  It was my day and yes I wanted to enjoy it GMIL free.    Then seeing the post about having kids and it flooded back to me all those emotions.  She once told me after she knew about Uncle touching me.  That both her daughter's married wonderful men nice men.  Really he touches woman in ways he shouldn't its like she is blocking it out.  And I don't know if I want to be around that. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 10:55:26 am
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 10:43:23 am
I mean, I am overwhelmed by my life...and you, hands down, have a lot more to do than I do. I'm not trying to be mean.


Holly your not coming off as mean at all.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 11:43:28 am
SassyDI,

My dad's late stepmother, who I loved dearly, was very much the same way.  There were several similar situations in our family, and when brought ot her attention, she ignored it. Her inability to listen to it lead to things much worse than what started out initially, and I believe is the sole cause of not one, not two, but three generations having now experienced abuse. She said it was going against God to accuse family members of abuse.

You can protect yourself by staying away from the Uncle. I would advise you also protect your DD by keeping her away from the Uncle as well...and I hope your DH is 100% on board with that.

I think the other stuff (the politics, the U/S photos), you should try to let go. If you need to vent, do it with the goal of getting it out of your system and getting some closure. Don't hang onto this stuff forever. You aren't going to change her mind or her behavior, it seem, and I guarantee she will probably do something else to upset you later on...that you'll be angry enough about then.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 12:03:13 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:58:54 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 09:36:31 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:03:56 am
first off it was DH's grandma(GMIL) not his dad's wife.  2nd I only saw her at family functions while pregnant and yes I brought my U/S to show to family.  Why should I have to hide my U/S because she choose to act like a fool. Sorry Laurie how am I wrong wanting to show off my baby a baby that took a very long time to have.  I should be able to show her off proudly.   Was it a slight towards my IVF I don't think so but maybe it was.  She was very angry with DH and I for what we did.  Was it about my prochoice thinking oh I think so.



GMIL "NO scinentist what do they call babies again?"

Me " a fetus"

GMIL "Begins her rant about abortion"

That was what was said DH was talking with his Aunt (creepy Uncle's wife) and Grandma, being nice trying to include the woman who told my hubby to go to confession.  Yeah I was being the better person and she couldn't be.   Yes she knew my point of view by then and I didn't take the bait.  Did she know that name I have no clue.  Fine think it but you should never talk about to the M-2-B.


Well Sassy do you see how it's easy to become offended when someone was not attempting to offend you?  I went back and looked  you have  changed your wording but there is really no need in becoming offended  when I said that you would  need to clarify in order to understand the progression of events.

Where  did I ever say that you were  'wrong' for wanting to show someone your undeveloped baby pictures?  Personally I think it would be more polite to say hey would you be interested in seeing them ..  Personally photos of my dil's uterus is not what I find conversation worthy.   I said you were wrong for expecting a different response.


Would you find your Daughter's worthy?


NO... I would not care to look at my daughters sonogram as much as I did not care to see the pictures from her colonoscopy to be perfectly honest.  And to clarify what I said was I don't find it conversation worthy.. and it's my dil who is pregnant.. so that is why I used her in my sentence.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: pam1 on May 06, 2011, 12:16:09 pm
Most baby showers that I've been to (which I decline to go anymore but different story) the pictures are left in a dedicated spot so people may choose to look or not, if the pictures are even brought out in the first place. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:25:09 pm
Quote from: pam1 on May 06, 2011, 12:16:09 pm
Most baby showers that I've been to (which I decline to go anymore but different story) the pictures are left in a dedicated spot so people may choose to look or not, if the pictures are even brought out in the first place.


See I most showers I have too the stuff just gets passed around.  I guess it depends on what your use too.  But its the same thing people can look or pass it on.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:26:12 pm
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 12:03:13 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:58:54 am
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2011, 09:36:31 am
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 09:03:56 am
first off it was DH's grandma(GMIL) not his dad's wife.  2nd I only saw her at family functions while pregnant and yes I brought my U/S to show to family.  Why should I have to hide my U/S because she choose to act like a fool. Sorry Laurie how am I wrong wanting to show off my baby a baby that took a very long time to have.  I should be able to show her off proudly.   Was it a slight towards my IVF I don't think so but maybe it was.  She was very angry with DH and I for what we did.  Was it about my prochoice thinking oh I think so.

See I find that o

GMIL "NO scinentist what do they call babies again?"

Me " a fetus"

GMIL "Begins her rant about abortion"

That was what was said DH was talking with his Aunt (creepy Uncle's wife) and Grandma, being nice trying to include the woman who told my hubby to go to confession.  Yeah I was being the better person and she couldn't be.   Yes she knew my point of view by then and I didn't take the bait.  Did she know that name I have no clue.  Fine think it but you should never talk about to the M-2-B.


Well Sassy do you see how it's easy to become offended when someone was not attempting to offend you?  I went back and looked  you have  changed your wording but there is really no need in becoming offended  when I said that you would  need to clarify in order to understand the progression of events.

Where  did I ever say that you were  'wrong' for wanting to show someone your undeveloped baby pictures?  Personally I think it would be more polite to say hey would you be interested in seeing them ..  Personally photos of my dil's uterus is not what I find conversation worthy.   I said you were wrong for expecting a different response.


Would you find your Daughter's worthy?


NO... I would not care to look at my daughters sonogram as much as I did not care to see the pictures from her colonoscopy to be perfectly honest.  And to clarify what I said was I don't find it conversation worthy.. and it's my dil who is pregnant.. so that is why I used her in my sentence.


But thats your grandbaby first picture I guess I don't get how that wouldn't be exciting.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: pam1 on May 06, 2011, 12:27:32 pm
Yep, it is what you're used too.  I suppose they can pass the book on and not look but I believe there are those who would take offense to that as well. 

However SassyDI, knowing now that there were other options, would you go back and choose to do something differently?  Is there any part of that scenario that could have been prevented?

Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: holliberri on May 06, 2011, 12:30:31 pm
I know what I would do in SassyDI's shoes.  I'd make sure never to show her U/S photos again. I'd have a roped red carpet invitation only look session across the room and she would not be invited.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 12:31:41 pm
it's exciting that she is pregnant.. it's not exciting for me to see an undeveloped fetus and stand around while people try to play pin the penis on the picture.  It's not.. I think it's more personal or should be but that isn't how it's view by most so I just simply say.. I'm not that interested or curious to see it.... I'm also not that interested to see the conception, or the actual birth.  Call me a freak I guess.. but don't make a mistake of thinking that I'm any less excited for my son and his wife.. even if they did insist on telling me the gender yesterday after asking 10 seconds beforehand if I wanted to know.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:38:32 pm
Quote from: pam1 on May 06, 2011, 12:27:32 pm
Yep, it is what you're used too.  I suppose they can pass the book on and not look but I believe there are those who would take offense to that as well. 

However SassyDI, knowing now that there were other options, would you go back and choose to do something differently?  Is there any part of that scenario that could have been prevented?



Yep I would have shared my pregnancy with GMIL at all.  And she would not have been invited to the shower. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:41:09 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:38:32 pm
Yep I would have shared my pregnancy with GMIL at all.  And she would not have been invited to the shower. 


Don't you think that would have hurt her feelings?
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:43:27 pm
Quote from: Holly on May 06, 2011, 12:30:31 pm
I know what I would do in SassyDI's shoes.  I'd make sure never to show her U/S photos again. I'd have a roped red carpet invitation only look session across the room and she would not be invited.


Funny.  I also should have told her to go to confession for being so judgemental. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:45:03 pm
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:41:09 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:38:32 pm
Yep I would have shared my pregnancy with GMIL at all.  And she would not have been invited to the shower. 


Don't you think that would have hurt her feelings?


See I find it funny your so worried about her feelings?   
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:46:50 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:45:03 pm
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:41:09 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:38:32 pm
Yep I would have shared my pregnancy with GMIL at all.  And she would not have been invited to the shower. 


Don't you think that would have hurt her feelings?


See I find it funny your so worried about her feelings?   


Does that mean you are not concerned about her feelings at all?
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:50:17 pm
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:46:50 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:45:03 pm
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:41:09 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 12:38:32 pm
Yep I would have shared my pregnancy with GMIL at all.  And she would not have been invited to the shower. 


Don't you think that would have hurt her feelings?


See I find it funny your so worried about her feelings?   


Does that mean you are not concerned about her feelings at all?


When a woman blames me for a man touching me in ways he shouldn't heck no I don't feel sorry for her at all. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:54:56 pm
Hmmmm.... My advice, anger and resentment like that will eat you alive. I've been there. I am a lot happier now that I have learned to let things go.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 01:00:47 pm
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 12:54:56 pm
Hmmmm.... My advice, anger and resentment like that will eat you alive. I've been there. I am a lot happier now that I have learned to let things go.


Should I let the Uncle babysit to why I am at it. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 01:05:22 pm
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."-- There is a lot of truth to this statement. There is a huge difference between letting go of the emotional hurt from GMIL and disregarding a physical invasion from Uncle. Have you pursued any legal action against him? Could that be grounds for a restraining order of some sort?

Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: LaurieS on May 06, 2011, 01:07:46 pm
confused again.. so you are angry with her for not wanting to fall all over your fetus pictures or for not fully defending you with the uncle... the same uncle that your dh did not come to your defense with?  I'm having a hard time following here. 

And you know if  you really believe that the uncle is capable of molesting your child I don't think I would even bring up him babysitting while trying to a sarcastic point.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 01:09:56 pm
Annnoymous and Laurie I am done it seems you just want to be against me so be against me.  Have a nice day lady's. 
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 01:10:26 pm
Holly thanks so much for your advice and kindness.
Title: Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 06, 2011, 01:13:35 pm
Quote from: SassyDI on May 06, 2011, 01:09:56 pm
Annnoymous and Laurie I am done it seems you just want to be against me so be against me.  Have a nice day lady's.


I'm sorry you feel that I am against you. I was merely offering a different POV and possible solutions. Luise tells us all the time that you can't change other people only how you interact with them.