WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: alohomora on May 04, 2011, 10:53:17 AM

Title: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: alohomora on May 04, 2011, 10:53:17 AM
Hello all,

I'm a long time lurker of this forum. It has helped me a lot in my on-going relationship struggles with my MIL. Currently, for the past several years in fact, we have had a good relationship, to the point I call her more then my DH does! (she lives across the country).

My DH and I are very newly pregneant. So new in fact, we haven't told anyone yet.

For the last year or so that we've been trying, we've spoken about how to handle visitations during/after the birth of the baby.

I love my IL's. However, close quarters with them is always a bad idea. MIL is as strong a personality as I am, and we are two very different people, with different values and ways.

We are in the two year long process of our new home being built (part of new development). In the meantime, we live in a 1200 sqf two bedroom condo. So this will be our babies first home.

I have a large family. Lots of older siblings. My own mother has passed away, but I am very close with my father, my aunt and uncle who all live nearby. We see my side maybe once a month at some kind of get together.

I don't want a huge crowd in the hospital wait room. Maybe my dad and my sisters, my best friend. People I won't stress about being out there. That's what will make me feel comfortable that day. After the baby is brought home, my DH has two weeks off work (I will be at the least takign a year off of work to stay home) of parental leave, and I'd like us to be left alone as much as possible during this time.

So. The pink elephant in the room. When do  we ask the In-laws to come? I will assume they will want to come. They are loving people and I'm married to the oldest, and proverbial goldan boy, son. My SIL has a baby that MIL sits for almost daily. So I'm thinking they may not jump at the chance to come. DH thinks there is no doubt they will though.

I don't want house guests in our little condo when I'm a new mom. IL's have come here three times in two years since we've been here and always stay with us - we wouldn't ask them to stay at a hotel. However, I don't want house guests. And as I said, MIL and I under the same roof is a bad, bad idea.

I thought one to two months after the baby is born would be a good time. Is this reasonable? How would you (to all the general MIL's here!) feel if your DIL explained the above reasons (and we have an honest, frank relationship, but very caring also) and asked that you not come for a month or two?

Very open to opinions and suggestions. Thank you!
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 11:07:16 AM
Hi Alohomora,

You're not a lurker, I've seen you here before.  :)

Congratulations. My take is you do what feels right to you. I don't think a month or two (since they are going to be staying with you) is that unreasonable. If they would be able to stay in a hotel, then absolutely, invite them sooner.

My little girl was very colicky, I had a c-section and I didn't need MIL around crying. She was also very adamant that she thought it was important for G-mas to do midnight feedings. (What?). She seriously said, "Well, I might hear the baby cry sooner, so I can get to her faster, so I should be the one to feed her in the middle of the night." Then she cried when I told her that I wasn't comfortable with that (she was worried she wouldn't bond with the baby if she didn't partake in midnight feedings,and was still saying the baby crying in the middle of the night was up for grabs). That put me on guard and she was not welcome to stay in my house until DD slept through the night. DH and I came to blows about that. Right or wrong, it was what was best for my sanity, which means my marriage.

There are so many ways to do this, we'll have all different answers. Hopefully someone will toss one out at you that will work.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: overwhelmed123 on May 04, 2011, 11:23:54 AM
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all for your feelings.  I don't have any kids yet, but I hope when the time comes, there will be a happy medium between others excitement to see our baby, and our own personal comfort levels.  It sounds like you have a relationship where there shouldn't be any hurt feelings if you calmly explain what you explained here- and promise to send her lots of pictures and updates so she doesn't feel left out!  Holly suggested her staying at a hotel- could you give her that as an alternative?  I think she may feel left out if she knows your family can come over frequently to spend time with the baby and she is not allowed.  Know what I mean?  Could you give her the choices and let her decide?  She could stay in a hotel and come see the baby earlier, or she could wait till things have settled down at your household and be welcome to stay with you? 

BTW- I like your name. :)
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: Scoop on May 04, 2011, 11:28:16 AM
Alohamora - please don't go looking for trouble.  As you say, you're in the very early stages of pregnancy, trust me when I say that you won't know how you'll feel until the time comes.

Why would you say anything NOW about a visit in (what?) almost a year's time?  That's just silly and to me, it's asking for a fight.

I can see that you're likely a planner and you want to get all of your ducks in a row NOW.  But I think your best bet would be to play it by ear.  I think it would be hurtful to tell your MIL "I'm pregnant, BTW you're not allowed in the waiting room, or to visit, or to stay at my house when you do visit. K? THX BYE". 

If she asks to be in the waiting room, be honest and tell her you're not comfortable with that.  She may not ask.

If she asks when they can come visit, tell her that you're going to play it by ear and wow, you hadn't even thought of that, because the "spare room" will now be a nursery and will you even have a bed for guests, ah well, we'll see.

You can have all of your answers ready, but I wouldn't bring up the questions or the issues, until they become issues.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - good luck!
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: themuffin on May 04, 2011, 11:31:58 AM
Congratulations!!!! Alohomora!!!

Wanna hear something funny?  This is gonna sound so dumb, but I feel really special to be one of the first people to know about your baby news!  I know, I need a life, lol.

I am so glad you have a good relationship with your ILs.  I adore mine too.  As a new mother when we had DS I felt EXACTLY the same way. Those first few months are special bonding time, getting aquainted time. Unless you are ill and need help with the new baby, midnight feeding, making bottles, changing diapers are all the things you are going to want to do with alone or with dad.  At least that's how I felt.  I would hope that they would know this, but sometimes you just have to say things flat out.  If they offer to come I would just say, "Oh, I can't wait for you to see him!  Now all we do is mostly sleep all day, but when he's a few weeks older I know he's gonna LOVE being with GM, GP!"  That should be a hint.

Congrats again!'

Holly, have you ever thought about writing?  You have a way with words!  I cracked up when I read that the baby was colicky, you were the one that had a c-section, and MIL would be the one crying! LOL  Talk about all about "me, me, me!! 

Holly, ummmm....forgive me if asking this is out of place, but I was wondering if your mil has any mental health issues?  Sometimes when people are that emotional they have a chemical inbalance.  My sister takes medication for hers and she's such a different person.  Hope this isn't out of line.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 04, 2011, 11:35:19 AM
Here's a thought. :-)

Since we live in the day and age of the world wide web and webcams and all that. Maybe explain how you don't want it to be a strain on your relationship and tell her that you would love to video chat with them shortly (day or two? I've never had a baby so don't know when you'd be up to it) after the bundle of joy arrives because you really want them to see the baby.

MIL's, does that sound like an okay idea?

And totally listen to Scoop, she's right on. It will sound really bad if you annouce your pregancy and the fact that they can't come at the same time.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: themuffin on May 04, 2011, 11:46:59 AM
Alohamora -

I can see that you're likely a planner and you want to get all of your ducks in a row NOW.  But I think your best bet would be to play it by ear.  I think it would be hurtful to tell your MIL "I'm pregnant, BTW you're not allowed in the waiting room, or to visit, or to stay at my house when you do visit. K? THX BYE".

 ;DYep, that might be a bit hurtful, lol! 

I'm sure Alohomora wouldn't have said it like that. LOL.  Gosh, that tickled me.   

I don't think she was planning to tell them "now".  I think you hit the nail on the head. She's a planner.  I think all new mothers plan ahead, thinking of what it's going to be like when they bring their new babies home.  I guess it's hard for her to have these fantasies when every mental image has a picture of ILs. I remember when I brought home DS.  I remember sitting in the rocking chair in his room nursing him at home.  It was so beautiful and peaceful. Now I take that same image and add my MIL (who I love dearly) Ummmm...just not the same, lol.

Tell me again why she can't just say "I'm pregnant, BTW you're not allowed in the waiting room, or to visit, or to stay at my house when you do visit. K? THX BYE"

LOL, I'm sorry, I'm just being bad today. :P

Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: themuffin on May 04, 2011, 11:48:01 AM
BTW, I think Scoop gave some excellent advice! :)
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: lancaster lady on May 04, 2011, 11:57:28 AM
alohamora :

From a MIL point of view , if I had to wait two months to see my new born grandchild I would go bonkers !
what's wrong with a quick visit , not staying with you , shortly after the baby's born .
Then later staying at a hotel wouldn't be so bad , when they did come to visit ?
As you get along so well with your MIL , please explain to her what you would like to happen .I'm sure she won't mind
as long as you keep her in the picture . How far away does she live ? I understand if it's miles and miles away .
In that case , you could make sure she has lots of photos of the newborn until she can come visit .
You know we MIL were new Mom's once , we understand how things are . As long as you keep her in the loop
and please don't exclude her planning for the baby .
Yes I know you are the Mom , but she is your DH's Mom , and without him there wouldnt' be a baby .That way she will feel
wanted and needed .
I suppose you can guess I was excluded after my GD was born . It is the most hurtful thing imaginable for a new GM.
Just let her know what's happening and what you're planning and honestly I'm sure she'll be fine .

I respect my DIL is the Mom and what she says goes ! By acknowledging this I am now considered in their plans .

How exciting for you , it's such a wonderful time .Many Congrats , I can see how thoughtful you are by thinking of MIL
at this early stage .
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 12:04:40 PM
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until 12 weeks...but the IL visit weight heavily on my mind and thoughts about the discussion rolled around in my head.

DH and I were okay with them staying at around 6 weeks. Then DH talked to MIL, and suddenly she was staying for the entire second week the baby was home. Okay...I handled that. Then...she called DH again...and said she was going to be up in the area the week before the due date, so she would stay with us the week before and the week after. What choice did I have then?

I said, "Okay, they'll get a hotel." MIL brought up her discomfort with the idea of a hotel and her desire to feed the baby at midnight directly to me, at my baby shower (8  months pregnant), after DH had told her we weren't comfortable with having visitors then. I said, "I'm asking you to wait b/c we'll have to see how we feel. I'd prefer  if you stayed in a hotel if you come up at that time. You can come up for a visit and stay with us when the baby is older. I'll cancel your hotel reservation if I decide I need help."

Well, a fit ensued...MIL said she wasn't wanted and came up for TWO hours when the baby was four days old and spent the entire time talking about how it wasn't enough time. I made darn sure  we high-tailed it down to their family reunion (7 hour car ride one way) with a 7 week old baby in tow after that. It didn't have to be like this. I thought I was pretty willing to compromise and give her sufficient time with DD.

My point is that I don't think planning is a bad thing...I don't think I planned well enough, to be honest. I think your relationship with your MIL is much better than mine, however.



Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: alohomora on May 04, 2011, 12:07:54 PM
I just realized in reading that post, how insensitive that would be. And you know, blindly, without thinking, I probably would have made my plan and said something just like that!!! 'hey MIL, I'm PG! Isn't it great? Sorry you're not invited. Suck it.'

Not that I would have used that language but still the same message gets received! Geez!

The reason it DOES need to be planned months in advance is a few reasons - its a five hour flight between us and them. And its EXPENSIVE (easily 1k a ticket). So the earlier flights are booked, the better. Also MIl is a planner also and she babysits her GD. But no, the decisions don't need to be made right this second. I'm much more concerned with the life changes we're about to make on the home front (WOWZA!!!!!!) but this is on my radar so I thought I'd bring my concern here, to what seems like an appropriate place :-)

I think the hotel option is fair - but almost unfair at the same time. I feel rude asking them to stay at a hotel. And the reality is given the cost of their airfare, plus a hotel, this type of trip becomes too expensive. Theyr'e well off financial but they're not millionaires - paying four thousand dollars minimum to fly out here and stay in a hotel for a week, to get to see the baby a couple of times, that's just not practical you know?
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 12:08:26 PM
Muffin,

I don't mind you asking that. I believe her doctor through she was smuggling in estrogen pills...he demanded she go off of them. She's not on anything, though. I suspect her hormones affect her reaction to things. As do mine...
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: AnonymousDIL on May 04, 2011, 12:11:44 PM
Holly, your MIL sounds like she has a pretty sad existence. No wonder she throws herself pity parties. You won't throw them for her! LOL

I do not look forward to all the IL issues when we finally have kids.  :-\
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: alohomora on May 04, 2011, 12:18:04 PM
You know, if you're not honest when asking for help, you're probably not going to get help.

On the one hand, I know I want my privacy. And on the other hand, I have a strong feeling MIL is going to tell us that they cannot come at all because they are too busy with BIl's daughter.

If that happens, no bones about this, my head will explode.

I don't want to be one of those people that wants it both ways. But that's my truth right now. Sigh. Stupid hormones.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: themuffin on May 04, 2011, 12:20:20 PM
Thanks, Holly!

LOL Alohomora, we know you wouldn't have said that. :P

Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 12:21:04 PM
Alohomora,

I think that will settle down. Just do as much as you can to control your own reaction and prepare for all possible scenarios. I would be hurt if someone blew up at me b/c I didn't do something they were wanting/expecting me to do.

Although, it doesn't sound like she'd place tremendous pressure on you to stay with you. That is probably a good thing.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: lancaster lady on May 04, 2011, 12:25:17 PM
holly:
Oh dear ! ....I would never do what your MIL did to you after DD was born ....you have my sympathy .Def not on staying with you
when baby was two weeks old !

Alohamora :
with the distance involved I think Skype is the answer , lots of photos , and an arranged visit .How long would they have to stay?
I reckon 4 days is enough , would they be happy with that ? Could you cope with them staying with you for 4 days ?
I would be happy with that , otherwise any longer would have to be a hotel don't you think ?

The thing is not to worry about it ... :)
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: holliberri on May 04, 2011, 12:31:09 PM
The skype thing does sound like a nice idea!

LL, she tried to do that, but she didn't succeed. It took two days of my pregnant self sleeping on the couch and 3 therapy sessions for DH to realize that it was up to he and I both what was going to happen.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: justus on May 04, 2011, 01:06:39 PM
If my GD weren't close by when she was born, I would have wanted to see her sooner rather  than later, but I would have understood and respected whatever SD decided. Actually, I did respect some totally ridiculous boundaries she set, because she was a new mother and I knew she would settle down, so it wasn't worth fighting over.  All new mothers have to learn on their own that the baby isn't going to disintegrate or die of some terrible disease over every little thing. It takes a bit of time.

I started a long reply, and then, I thought that you cannot know exactly when the baby is going to come. My next door neighbor was three weeks overdue. This is rare, but a great excuse to put off their visit for at least a month. That and you never know how the birth is going to go, so you should plan on taking a couple of weeks to recover.  So, give yourself a three week leeway from the due date, plus a two week recovery and you have over a month after the due date. It is logical, and reasonable.

If she wants to be there for the birth, insist on a hotel room.  This is a very reasonable request. First, at 9 months, you are not going to want guests, and second you do want and need alone time as a family when baby comes home. You can discourage her coming at this time because it would be a shame for her to be there to see you waddle around at 9 months, but have to wait to see the baby until it is much older, because she came too early.

I am of the opinion that is it totally up to the mother as to who she wants in the delivery room and at the hospital. If she is uncomfortable with someone being there, they shouldn't be there. It is all about the comfort and safety of the woman giving birth. Labor is not the time to start a fight or to whine about being left out or making sure you have equal time. The mother should be giving all of her attention to bringing a life into the world and not have to worry about some poor sap's feelings over being able to sit in uncomfortable waiting room seats under bad florescent lights for 12 hours just to be able to say they were there.

And, having been through a cesarean, and a vaginal birth, there is no way I would intrude on the first two weeks after the birth unless expressly invited. It is all about what is good for the baby and its family, and not at all about me no matter how badly I might want to meet the baby and be a part of it. So, if you want a minimum time limit, give yourself and your family two weeks, and I would make it clear to the rest of the family that no drop ins are welcome for at least the first week, any visits before then must be arranged and expect them to be short, oh, and no crowds of people until the baby is much older. Take as much time as you need.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: pam1 on May 04, 2011, 01:18:07 PM
I would be hesitant to tell my inlaws anything definite that so far in advance anyway.  It's good to think about it and get a feel for what you want but when the time comes, it's all up in the air.  I'd start talking to DH about really general things, waiting room, when you're going to call all the grandparents, what you would like to happen during delivery etc. 

Some childbirth classes have childbirth plans where they have all these questions and the different scenario and you're supposed to talk about it with DH before the time comes.  Maybe you can check into that?

Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: lancaster lady on May 04, 2011, 01:47:25 PM
In my country , only the DH is usually present at the hospital at any time , can't think of having waiting GP's for you to produce .
It's a shared moment for couples IMHO.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: alohomora on May 04, 2011, 02:13:25 PM
If my due date were say, August 1, I'd probably tell them around June (so a good two months in advance and well out of the scary part of pregnancy I'm hoping!) that I'd like them to come for the first week of September, that sort of thing.

You never really know how people will react to things though will you? Maybe my MIL will be totally understanding of this and supportive! Or maybe its WWIII. Could go either way. She's done some pretty irrational things in the past (although those types of things seem to have reverted from me to my other BIL's GF, who sadly is the current target around there).
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: pam1 on May 04, 2011, 02:16:41 PM
If my due date were say, August 1, I'd probably tell them around June (so a good two months in advance and well out of the scary part of pregnancy I'm hoping!) that I'd like them to come for the first week of September, that sort of thing.

You never really know how people will react to things though will you
? Maybe my MIL will be totally understanding of this and supportive! Or maybe its WWIII. Could go either way. She's done some pretty irrational things in the past (although those types of things seem to have reverted from me to my other BIL's GF, who sadly is the current target around there).

It's funny you say that, that's what scares me the most about my MIL.  Never know, even if it is happy news, she can suck the joy right out of it.  I feel like I'm constantly on defense, thinking ahead, protecting my little family.  Exhausting dynamic.

Oh and btw, Congratulations!
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: alohomora on May 04, 2011, 02:26:17 PM
Thank you - so many kind words here. It's still too early in some ways that I feel trepid about the whole thing.

I do want to give this my best shot though. My history with MIL is not great. DH and I have been together since we were teenagers and are now in our early 30's. We've had two CO's from his parents - his mother really, but its hard to be in CO from her and still maintain a relationship with FIL - especially having always lived pretty far from them. I blame the first cut off on both of us - her for being too meddlesome and overbearing, as well as just plain rude, and on myself for being immature and entitled. The second one came after a huge blow out betwen us and the IL's, over furniture - pathetic - and ended with us not really talking for over a year and half.

That being said - I don't want our issues to translate to the next generation. MIL is the only GM my children will have, I'd love for them to have that bond. And I'd really love for it to be as non-stressful as possible on myself and DH.

DH's family is very involved in each others lives. They all talk and for the most part, see each other everyday, they socialize and travel together, that sort of thing. My SIL is a wonderful person. But her ways are very different then mine. She basically goes to MIL's house and hands over her baby so MIL and FIL can take over. When baby cries because she wants mom, they take the baby out of the room that SIL is in, or ask SIL to leave (not rudely - something like 'uh oh baby sees momma!'  which is cue for SIL to leave. And she does.- but still. Not my way AT ALL). MIl baby-sits on average five days a week, sometimes more. And offers up her opinions on everything. When SIL and BIL at their house, MIL is calling all day, and talking to SIL about all her decisions 'oh you're takign baby for a walk? are you putting on her pink jacket? Oh, well I don't want to interfere, you know me, but maybe the yellow one is more appropiate for thiw weather' followed by SIL 9/10 taking MIL's suggestion.

That will not be me. At all. I might rip someone's arm off if they try and prevent me frin taking my crying or screaming baby from them.  :-X
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: lancaster lady on May 04, 2011, 02:33:48 PM
I think DM interact differently with their own DD than with their DIL.
the fact that you want her to come and invite her , will mean something to her . hopefully she will accept graciously .
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: alohomora on May 04, 2011, 02:36:01 PM
They sure do - but in this case, my DH has only brothers. So SIL is BIL's gf (and mother of his child/partner in life/common law spouse/any other title thatfits here :D ).

Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: Pen on May 04, 2011, 07:02:19 PM
Alohomora, welcome back. Glad to hear your joyous news!

I agree with those who suggested waiting before doing too much planning. Babies aren't on our schedules. As a former new mom and DIL, and now a MIL with no GC in the works yet, I understood my MILs desire to visit within a day or two and was fine with it. She found another place to stay, which was thoughtful. I'd also want to see the new grandbaby ASAP, but would not ever ever ever go against what DIL requested. I'm assuming DS would send a pic when things settled down, and I'm positive DIL's mom will be in the labor room. I'm also pretty certain her FOO will be in the waiting room, and that DH & I will not be there, probably not even if invited...I think it would be awkward in our sitch.
Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: Pooh on May 04, 2011, 07:25:03 PM
Congrats alohomora!  How exciting.  I think it depends on what kind of attitude you MIL has now when you deal with her.  If she is a reasonable person that you normally don't conflict with, I would be honest and offer some alternatives of what you would be comfortable with.  If she's not very reasonable normally, then you will have to be prepared to stick to your guns.

I will tell you as an MIL, if I was (ha, ha) a reasonable person, then I probably would get my feelings a little hurt about the hospital, knowing that you were having several other people there.  If it was a no one will be there because I'm not comfortable with it, or even I want my sister there but no one else, I would be good with that and not bat an eye.

I also would feel the same way about the visits later if I knew everyone else was getting to come visit, just not us.  Again, I'm saying IF I was a reasonable MIL.  I wouldn't have a problem waiting a few weeks if everyone else was too, and I wouldn't expect to stay with you unless you asked for help.   Just being thought of this early in the game, and knowing your intention was not to hurt my feelings,  you just needed some time would do wonders for me to not feel left out and not have an issue with it.

If your MIL isn't that way (like Holly's) then all you can do is set your boundaries, explain your decisions and move forward with your plans.

Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: Scoop on May 05, 2011, 05:20:17 AM
Alohamora - I can see that you're being very reasonable about this.

Just remember that your MIL will have a steep learning curve when it comes to how YOU are with YOUR baby.  Cutting her some slack might be nice, or saying things like "Well, this is how we are going to do it." without holding a grudge if she starts off doing things like she's always done them.

I would still wait before talking about the trip.  In the meantime, I think you should think about your options.  Discuss it with DH and then, if you're feeling generous, give the IL's a choice.

Plan A - the IL's come early, say 10 days after your due date.  The baby may or may not be born yet.  DH may or may not still be on vacation and able to entertain them.  If he's not on vacation, you have NO obligation to entertain them.  If baby is born, s/he will be very wee, and (hopefully) sleep a lot.  You will want to do most of the caretaking of baby, and will be the one doing most of the holding.  The IL's will be expected to do some work, cleaning, cooking, yardwork, whatever needs to be done.

Plan B - the IL's come later, Baby is a bit older and more alert, and you are more 'in the groove' and more willing to let them be more 'hands on'.  DH will not be home during the day to entertain them, it will be all you & baby, all the time.  If they're expecting to spend all day with you, they can chip in to the household chores that result from that cooking and cleaning up meals.

Either way, I think you should ask them to stay in a hotel.  With an open invitation to spend their days with you and the baby, but to please respect your nights at home with the baby.  When Baby is older and you're in the new house, of course they'll be welcome, it's just this one visit when you guys are such rookie parents.

Title: Re: How to Handle IL Visit
Post by: Keys Girl on May 05, 2011, 09:10:19 AM
Alohamora, I think it's a good idea to go with the flow until you get sooner to the date of the baby's birth.  I'm a planner, too, but sometimes overplanning has it's risks, for example extreme weather can impact/cancel flights a long time away.

As a first time mother I was grateful for the help of my mother and MIL in the early days after my son's birth.  Having a new baby is a daunting task and the lack of sleep can make everything more difficult.

I wouldn't say anything to her right now, except for "we are going to go with the flow and see how things happen".