WiseWomenUnite.com

General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: jill on April 15, 2011, 07:46:33 pm

Title: Personal Messages
Post by: jill on April 15, 2011, 07:46:33 pm
I don't seem to be able to get into my personal messages any more.  Usually when I am logged in the menu is there, but is not any more.  Is anyone else having a problem?...Jill
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Pen on April 15, 2011, 08:14:01 pm
Me neither.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: LaurieS on April 15, 2011, 08:16:46 pm
Modify, delete, Pm... poof

Anyone who wants to contact me can use my im address..  mlslo2@hotmail.com
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: LaurieS on April 15, 2011, 08:18:38 pm
Matter of fact.. anyone can set up a email address and attach it to your profile here.. you can also post your IM information... just a thought
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Forum Moderator on April 15, 2011, 08:47:01 pm
@jill, I sent the following email out to all members earlier today.

    Dear WiseWomenUnite.com Members ~~
   
    I wanted to let you all know that I just fully disabled
the forum's personal messaging (PM) system. With hundreds
of active members and thousands of posts, my mom's (Luise
Volta's) job as Forum Moderator has become substantial.
When member conflicts reach a high level, like they have
lately, she becomes inundated with personal messages and
post moderation duties. Frankly, dealing with all this
drama takes more time and energy than she's willing to
invest. I don't blame her. I trust that removal of the PM
system will help to foster the kind of supportive web
community she envisions. I believe most of you share in
that vision.
   
    Please remember the policies to which you agreed when
you registered at the forum (sorry for the lack of line
breaks; you may need to scroll to the right to read this):
   
    http://wisewomenunite.com/agreement.txt
   
    I can't tell you how many "thank you" emails forum
members have sent to my mom. It's been truly heartwarming
to read them. There's SUCH an opportunity here at WWU to
learn, grow, and provide mutual support.
   
    If you want to participate at WWU -- and my mom and I
hope you do -- you must treat each other with respect. You
can respectfully disagree. I know that the majority of you
conduct yourselves in this manner.
   
    Look...if you find yourself reacting, arguing, taking
sides, or wanting to "be right"...well, you're human like
the rest of us. If you want or need to vent, go for it.
Just don't do so in the forum. Instead, for example, you
can express your thoughts in your private journal or chat
with a trusted friend. Once you feel rebalanced, you're
welcome to come back to WWU and contribute.
   
    I've been SO impressed by the various post threads my
mom has pointed out to me and look forward to supporting
this forum for years to come.
   
    Best Wishes,
    ~~ Kirk VandenBerghe

    http://WiseWomenUnite.com
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: LaurieS on April 15, 2011, 08:55:13 pm
Hey Kirk... lol.. how are we gonna flirt with you if there are no PM  ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Rose799 on April 15, 2011, 09:34:27 pm
Thanks for letting us know, Kirk.  And thanks for all you do here & for Luise, as well.  You're a good son.

Enjoy the weekend everyone~

Rose

Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: cadagi101 on April 15, 2011, 11:04:49 pm


I personally think it is a good move.    I have only used PM to see if a member is going OK if they haven't posted for weeks.      I can do that on the forum anyway.  If a member does want to "fight of the board" then they can exchange emails and go for it!!   I hope Luise is doing OK
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Pen on April 15, 2011, 11:53:00 pm
Julia, I wish I had your attitude, and perhaps I shall one day, but right now I'm sad it came to this. There are members I would like to stay in touch with and am not comfortable posting an email address on the forum. Those of us who were not involved in the drama, and still don't quite understand all that went on, are being treated as though we've done something wrong. It would have been nice to have a little warning so we could contact people privately regarding email addresses.

I understand why Luise and Kirk had to take such drastic measures, but I wish there had been a way to deal with the few who were involved rather than implicating all of us. There were times when everything was going well here that I would think to myself, "Do not take this site for granted. There will come a day when this resource isn't available. Cherish it while you have it." I'm glad I did.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: cadagi101 on April 16, 2011, 12:28:51 am
Quote from: Pen on April 15, 2011, 11:53:00 pm
Julia, I wish I had your attitude, and perhaps I shall one day, but right now I'm sad it came to this. There are members I would like to stay in touch with and am not comfortable posting an email address on the forum. Those of us who were not involved in the drama, and still don't quite understand all that went on, are being treated as though we've done something wrong. It would have been nice to have a little warning so we could contact people privately regarding email addresses.

I understand why Luise and Kirk had to take such drastic measures, but I wish there had been a way to deal with the few who were involved rather than implicating all of us. There were times when everything was going well here that I would think to myself, "Do not take this site for granted. There will come a day when this resource isn't available. Cherish it while you have it." I'm glad I did.


I wasn't up to speed when I wrote that post Pen.  Pen I agree with you, I was away when all this was going on and have only just caught up where it began.  My comments were a bit flippent and dumb.   I am saddened as well and feel a bond with many WW on this site.     I also don't want to post my email address on the board.    Like you i wasn't involved so would like the chance to get any buddy emails we can.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Forum Moderator on April 16, 2011, 12:43:58 am
@Laurie - You have my email address, so flirt away!   ;)

@Rose799 - Thanks for your concern re: my mom. Having to put her little Me, Too doggie to sleep was really tough on her, as you all probably know. She has a big heart and deeply bonds. She's strong and will be fine -- it's just a huge adjustment for her.

@Julia - Glad you understand. Yes, those who have each other's emails and want to fight can continue battling in that medium if they like.

@Pen - I'd probably feel the same way. My concern about giving a warning about PMs being disabled was that I didn't want to encourage a flurry of last minute battles.

@All - It's fine if you publicly post your email addresses...and...just know that "spambots" spider many sites (including WWU) to grab email addresses and then add them to their lists.

I'm listening, and as always, so is my mom. My current thought is that I could pick a day next week to turn PMs back on for 24 hours. That way, those of you who have built relationships and want to voluntarily exchange email addresses could do so privately. How does that sound?
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: cdb on April 16, 2011, 12:54:48 am
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. This site and your mom have been a lifesaver to me. Even my psychologist tells me this and other online groups keep me connected to people, being I am disabled. I just was going to pm your mom and ask if she knows of any grief online groups. Maybe you know? I appreciate any online site putting safety as a priority as this is online and we need to be safe, not only from arguments, but viruses etc. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you and your mom do for this excellent site and God Bless you both! cdb
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: cadagi101 on April 16, 2011, 04:45:21 am
Quote from: Forum Moderator on April 16, 2011, 12:43:58 am
@Laurie - You have my email address, so flirt away!   ;)

@Rose799 - Thanks for your concern re: my mom. Having to put her little Me, Too doggie to sleep was really tough on her, as you all probably know. She has a big heart and deeply bonds. She's strong and will be fine -- it's just a huge adjustment for her.

@Julia - Glad you understand. Yes, those who have each other's emails and want to fight can continue battling in that medium if they like.

@Pen - I'd probably feel the same way. My concern about giving a warning about PMs being disabled was that I didn't want to encourage a flurry of last minute battles.

@All - It's fine if you publicly post your email addresses...and...just know that "spambots" spider many sites (including WWU) to grab email addresses and then add them to their lists.

I'm listening, and as always, so is my mom. My current thought is that I could pick a day next week to turn PMs back on for 24 hours. That way, those of you who have built relationships and want to voluntarily exchange email addresses could do so privately. How does that sound?


Kirk, Having read more posts i can see that it is very important to PM each other, those that aren't happy to put emails on eirther still won't do it or will miss the 24hr deadline or reluctantly put it up and regret having done it, imho it may cause anxiety.  Maybe the option to PM luise could be taken off, there are so many members now she can't possibly stay on top and look after herself as well, she doesn't need whingy winey women PM her everyday.   
If we can post to her on the forum, and if she feels fit delete it immediately.
The onus is on us to keep things amicable.   

Also if someone does feel strongly or offended by someones post they can PM each other.     
If the disagreement moves from PM onto the board and is offensive then luise can close the thread.   

Just a suggestion...how can we keep everyone happy???
 
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: cadagi101 on April 16, 2011, 05:03:53 am
Kirk
what if PM to luise becomes very structured.   
ie:
what is this PM about tick a box...
1. is your complaint about another member
2. is it trivial hogwash
3. do I need to know about this?
4. Are you reporting a member who you think may  have changed there name or wants to cause trouble?

etc.. plenty of options would be suitable i'm sure.
Members can also be made aware that luise won't be responding to the  complaint , it will however be just noted but if more than 3?? or so complaints are recieved  on the same subject about the same poster then it will be investigated and the member may be struck of.....
or luise doesn't see them at all unless more then a certain number come on the same subject  on her PM  so she isn't daily bogged down.     You must be very worried about your mum who is trying so hard to do so much for everyone else.     We have a responsibility to look after her, there has to be a way.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Faithlooksup on April 16, 2011, 05:24:16 am
Hi Kirk and Luise!!!

I for one can clearly understand why this had to be done.  Situations became out of hand and enough is enough.....

Luise, take one day at a time, take care of yourself...You have given of yourself to so many for years and years~~it is now time to step back and give to yourself.....I have you in my prayers.

Thank You Kirk for letting us know what is taking place.....Please give Luise a Big Hug for me...
Luise go out today and have a nice lunch, go shopping, go and have some fun..... :)

Sending Prayers, Love and HUGS across the miles,  Faith
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Rose799 on April 16, 2011, 05:53:58 am
Quote from: Forum Moderator on April 16, 2011, 12:43:58 am
My current thought is that I could pick a day next week to turn PMs back on for 24 hours. That way, those of you who have built relationships and want to voluntarily exchange email addresses could do so privately. How does that sound?


That sounds feasible to me, Kirk.  FYI, I stated my e-mail address because I use it for this forum only... 

Make this a good day, Luise, love 'ya~
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: AnonymousDIL on April 16, 2011, 07:05:00 am
Well, since I'm afraid I would "miss" the dealine lol, I'm going to post mine here. My1985Freckles@yahoo.com

If anyone chooses to contact me, PLEASE subject line it "XXXXXXXX from WWU." That way I know it isn't SPAM. Thanks!
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: 1Glitterati on April 16, 2011, 07:41:22 am
Quote from: Pen on April 15, 2011, 11:53:00 pm
Julia, I wish I had your attitude, and perhaps I shall one day, but right now I'm sad it came to this. There are members I would like to stay in touch with and am not comfortable posting an email address on the forum. Those of us who were not involved in the drama, and still don't quite understand all that went on, are being treated as though we've done something wrong. It would have been nice to have a little warning so we could contact people privately regarding email addresses.

I understand why Luise and Kirk had to take such drastic measures, but I wish there had been a way to deal with the few who were involved rather than implicating all of us. There were times when everything was going well here that I would think to myself, "Do not take this site for granted. There will come a day when this resource isn't available. Cherish it while you have it." I'm glad I did.


I'm mostly with Pen.  I can see why this was done, however I think it is very silly that it came to this.  If we had an eye-roll smiley I would insert it here. 

What I take away from this is basically...if  you can't say something that the other person will think of as nice (meaning that you disagree with their point of view)...then don't say it because disagreeing isn't nice.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: 1Glitterati on April 16, 2011, 07:43:37 am
Oops...forgot to add (which we can't do anymore because that feature was turned off, too) that I chuckle at the notion that what recently happened was a great unpleasantness.  I've seen boards with great unpleasantness---this isn't one of them--not by a long shot.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Tara on April 16, 2011, 08:33:41 am
Glitter,

It seems like your minimizing the concerns that have arise here. 
I was out of the loop most of last week so missed the conflicts, but
my take is that Luise is visioning a board here that is functioning on a very skillful,
thoughtful and civil level.  I for one support that.  When things don't
seem like they are going anywhere in a post, I usually just pass
and go on to another.  But I understand what some of the people
are feeling who took a 'time out' and respect that. 

Did you see the piece that Kirk wrote?

all the best

Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: 1Glitterati on April 16, 2011, 08:52:25 am
Quote from: Tara on April 16, 2011, 08:33:41 am
Glitter,

It seems like your minimizing the concerns that have arise here. 
I was out of the loop most of last week so missed the conflicts, but
my take is that Luise is visioning a board here that is functioning on a very skillful,
thoughtful and civil level.  I for one support that.  When things don't
seem like they are going anywhere in a post, I usually just pass
and go on to another.  But I understand what some of the people
are feeling who took a 'time out' and respect that. 

Did you see the piece that Kirk wrote?

all the best


The only real concern I can wrap my mind around is the time that Luise is having to deal with squabbling child-like behavior when someone sees something they don't want to see because it doesn't 100% support them and they blow up Luise's pm box.  So, we all get the feature taken away because certain people having the feature takes up too much time.

I don't see that there has been a huge level of public incivility.  There has been disagreement...but I haven't seen much incivility.  I HAVE seen some majorly passive agressive responses to disagreement, though.  What I see on  many of the threads is that there is no resolution because they are shut down when anything becomes slightly contentious.  Rarely does something progress to the point of resolution or understanding because so many posters on here can't stand to be disagreed with and think it's "mean" and then take up Luise's time by whining about it in private.

Yes, I saw Kirk's post.  Is there a question you would specifically like to ask me in regards seeing it?  What I took away from it was be careful of the degree you disagree with others because not too much of that is going to be allowed, and don't vent on here.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: LaurieS on April 16, 2011, 09:13:23 am
Quote from: Faithlooksup on April 16, 2011, 05:24:16 am
Hi Kirk and Luise!!!

I for one can clearly understand why this had to be done.  Situations became out of hand and enough is enough.....



Situations were escalated without any care or concern for Luise or her forum.  Most of these were done behind the scenes in the form of PM's... proof in the pudding as it's been noted here.   Loaded challenging messages being posted... demands being made about the rooms, and Luise having demands made upon her... who are any of us to make a demand on how she runs this room?  I don't care if you don't like me, my attitude or the way I word things,  you don't have the right to demand that I or anyone else be removed.  You've got a problem with me here's my email mlslo2@hotmail.com... I'll supply you with a phone number if you like..

Those who have  attempted to form a tag team need to look into that mirror first.  Playing dumb with the googly eyes as in postings that go "oh who would have ever done that" is only adding fuel to the fire and you are more transparent then you think.  Like little spider legs people have reached out trying to pull others into their game, and a few have fallen prey..

I have a hard time relating to some who have had children walk or run out of your lives..  I do not face these issues and find it hard to relate.. I've stated before the that extreme abuse, sexual abuse, etc is outside of my realm as well... Sorry I lived a pretty boring normal life with parents who didn't beat me or hand me off ... my views are my own that has been stated here before.  If I disagree with a statement, I disagree... and yes I have spoken out against what I perceive as abuse of a child... and I will continue to.  In reading that, I think I'm saying that I'm not apologizing for having a normal life, with only a challenging dimension of a dil.

What I think I find odd about this room is.. when I hear statements like,  you can have an opinion but no right be opinionated.. look it up if you don't know the difference..  are you not doing exactly what you have condemned others of doing?  There is healthy debate, there is just flat out debate situations will always vary.  But rest assure that passive/aggressive messages are noted by more then those you intended.  Yanno why not say what you mean ... and not spend so  much time attempting to set up landmines.

Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Tara on April 16, 2011, 09:18:20 am
Glitter,

A thought comes to mind, that perhaps different people on the forum have different degrees of tolerance for communication
thats not what I would call skillful.  You know that old saying:  "Its not what you say but how you say it"?  Last week I saw
a dialogue were one of the members was talking in the most rude and demeaning  way to a member who is ALWAYS sane and
balanced in her responses.  It didn't make any sense except that the person who seemed to have the inflated ego actually
had a disturbance.

Also, I've seen boards locked because the person really needed much more than can offered here on wwu and zillions of posts and women were involved in helping a person who wasn't able to incorporate what was being offered, and even at the end of the many pages of input attacked people trying to help.    You may be referencing this in some of your comments.   

I think Luise has been doing a magnificent job with this forum keeping the focus on the 'higher good' of all of us.  The diversity of women who come here from around the world, different cultures, different psychological issues.  Its got to be a huge challenge.

Glitter, have you seen other forums where they integrated mils and dils?  I'm not that online savvy.  Is this forum unusual in
this respect?  I think that it might be, but not sure about that.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: 1Glitterati on April 16, 2011, 09:26:00 am
Quote from: Tara on April 16, 2011, 09:18:20 am
Glitter, have you seen other forums where they integrated mils and dils?  I'm not that online savvy.  Is this forum unusual in
this respect?  I think that it might be, but not sure about that.


No...I haven't seen many integrated forums.  That is absolutely true. 

I think one of the reasons that this board remains "mixed" is that the degree to which something can be discussed very in depth is limited.  When something comes up that makes someone else uncomfortable or that they find disagreeable then the shutdowns start. 

As I stop to think on it...I wonder if that isn't why pm's snowballed, blew up, and became more than one person was willing to or could handle?

Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Faithlooksup on April 16, 2011, 09:37:50 am
My Take of what Kirk has posted is basically simple:

If you must disagree~~do so respectfully.....and if you really need to jump down someones throat "Journal It." and come on back when you are feeling more balanced.

"Kindness Matters"~~~~~ :)

Hi Tara, How are you doing????  Happy Spring!!!  But it most certainly does not feel like spring in my neck of the woods~~its April and I am still wearing my winter coat...
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Tara on April 16, 2011, 10:06:07 am
Glitter:  I have gotten alot of excellent support in my mil role from dils, including you. 

Faith:  I agree with you about the essence of Kirks message. 
           Hello to you too.  Its still cold here in ashland, except for a few days or part days of
           sun here and there.  I still wear my leather jacket when I go out at night, but
           the snow peas, spinach and lettuce is sprouting in the garden.

I am off to a meeting...
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: holliberri on April 16, 2011, 03:49:31 pm
Since my e-mail address clearly identifies who I am...my display name might as well too. I'm not trying to confuse anyone, I'll just go by my real name on here now. I wasn't quite sure why I was so afraid of owning my point of view to begin with.

If you need me, you can go to my profile and e-mail me.

Holly/Holliberri
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Forum Moderator on April 16, 2011, 05:48:01 pm
@cdb - As you know, I emailed you directly.

@Julia - I hear you about the value of PMs; that they're not always used to incite more conflict. I like your suggested PM structure, but the problem is that if the technology doesn't force that kind of formatting most members won't comply. I'm discussing some possible solutions with my mom.

@Faithlooksup - I appreciate your comments.

@Rose799 - Understood re: your email address. Just wanted you and others to know that when an email address is listed on a public web page it can easily end up on spam lists, which dramatically increases the amount of inbound spam. Not fun.

@1Glitterati - Not sure how you came to those conclusions. The forum encourages multiple points of view, which obviously includes disagreement. Your and all other member's agreement is to do so with decorum. My response, here and now, is an example of being polite. Note that I'm challenging your conclusion AND that I am treating you with respect. It's so easy to drop the conversation level to reaction (like sarcasm) and when that happens the purpose and benefit of this forum space is lost. There's a big opportunity for personal healing and growth here. My Mom's committed to nurturing personal transformation, not providing a space for bickering.

@Tara - Glad you get my Mom's intention. I share the perception that her role is challenging and that she's doing a great job.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Forum Moderator on April 17, 2011, 12:26:06 pm
Update on Personal Messages (PMs): For now, we're going to keep PMs disabled. If you'd like to make yourself available for email communication, you can:

-- Login to your WWU account.

-- Go to "Profile > Account Settings".

-- Enter your email address at Email and check the Allow users to email me box.

-- Enter your current password and click the Change Profile button.

The forum software will then display a little envelope icon under your display name. Using this option doesn't publicly expose the email address; however, if you receive an email and choose to reply to it the recipient will then know your email address.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: LaurieS on April 17, 2011, 12:32:16 pm
One member had said that she created an account just for emails from this type of forum.. that was smart thinking and a great idea ... lol  I wasn't so smart,  but you can always change the email account as well can't you Kirk?
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: LaurieS on April 17, 2011, 12:33:30 pm
hey another quick question Kirk.. does the 'report to moderator' button at the bottom of postings.. does that go directly to you?
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Forum Moderator on April 17, 2011, 12:52:32 pm
@Laurie - Interesting idea to create multiple account. Hmmm... I think it would be more efficient to create "throw away" email addresses at Yahoo, Gmail, etc. That's what I do. If an account starts getting too much spam I just delete it and create a new one.

We still have moderator reports turned on, but may turn them off. They come to me and I send them on to my mom (since my focus is usually the technical aspects of moderating the forum, not the content/member issues; the current situation is an exception, since I felt it was time to intervene).
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: LaurieS on April 17, 2011, 01:36:29 pm
I'm following that Kirk but if you create a throw away account can you change it here on this site, or are you killing off your identity here and having to start all over again?
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Forum Moderator on April 17, 2011, 02:53:03 pm
@Laurie - Prior to deleting your temporary (throw away) email account, you would create a new temporary email account replacement and change the email address here at WWU (and wherever else you used it).
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: elsieshaye on April 18, 2011, 12:40:30 pm
Kirk,  if the "report to moderator" feature goes away, how do we let you or Louise know about spam or similar issues?
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: Forum Moderator on April 18, 2011, 12:55:54 pm
@Laurie - To clarify regarding your follow up question, WWU accounts are based on your username. You can change the associated email address whenever you like, and also chose whether other WWU members can email you or not.

@elsieshaye - And there's the problem with removing it. At present, Luise has decided to keep it turned on. She's also working on a (top secret) ;-) plan regarding moderation, but mum's the word (on my end) until she decides to roll it out.
Title: Re: Personal Messages
Post by: seasage on April 18, 2011, 01:04:46 pm
I hope her (top secret) ;-) plan includes using some of the long-term members of her stable.  It would be a good thing to take some of the load off her shoulders.