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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 04:39:15 am

Title: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 04:39:15 am
Why does the son suddenly "wake up" and realize HIS own Mom and Dad were not who he thought they were when he gets married?  How does that happen?   

Why is it always his family that gets thrown out?  Not hers? 
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: Kinzey on October 26, 2009, 06:43:50 am
I'm not sure about that. I think its the dominant family that gets the most attention. We spend more with my husband's family because they almost force us too. They created more opportunities and throw fits when we reject them. But my brother's wife's family is wonderful but very controlling and my parents have been thrown out. My sister's husbands family is very passive so my parents have more time with them. Its all about which family is willing to throw the biggest tantrums or which family bows down to the couple.
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: CarolN on October 26, 2009, 06:59:09 am
Is it possible that DILs are just more tolerant and possibly "forgiving" when it comes to her own family?
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 07:02:03 am
Does any of this hurt your parents or is having you and your sister enough to soften the blow of your brother? 
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 07:06:20 am
Carol, always more tolerant.  Always.  They would die if their husbands treated their parents with disrepect. 

They will say that they can tell their parents "no" and it will be okay but in reality, it's okay with her parents because her parents have total access to them anyway.  There are no barriers and our sons are certainly not disrepecting them. 

Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: Kinzey on October 26, 2009, 07:53:00 am
My mother doesn't care for my sister in law and she is always bringing up how she and my dad are ignored. I don't think my brother even realizes its going on. She has never said anything to him though and it puts my sister and I in a bad position because we don't want to out sister in law who we adore!! She is a precious woman and she is dominated by her family as well so I don't think its her fault
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: mom2 on October 26, 2009, 07:58:46 am
I have a Daughter but it didn't soften the blow for me. Our son has never, not one time, treated the DIL's family with disrespect and I am proud that I raised a son like that. He is a good husband, good father but he sure fell short of the son role. I just wish I could understand.
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: mom2 on October 26, 2009, 08:01:34 am
Kinzey,
Do you think your mom and dad are ignored by her or they just feel that way ?
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 08:39:48 am
In my situation my husband came from a family where his mom and dad coddled him and his sister.  They were very quick to let them give up on things that they didn't immediately like or didn't immediately make them comfortable.  When he was introduced to me and my family he saw that there was a different way of being and he liked it.  My parents encourage independence and being tough in the face of adversity.  It didn't make what his parents had been doing wrong, just not for him.

I think we stay away from his family a lot of times because they demand our time.  They get very angry if we can't make it to an event and the fall out is the same for a major holiday or a random bbq on some idle Saturday.  There's no difference between an important event and something less formal. 
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: Kinzey on October 26, 2009, 08:41:14 am
I don't think she does it on purpose if thats what it comes across as. I think my mom just feels that way because my brother was her little boy. My dad doesn't feel the same about my sil but he won't openly disagree with my mom. My sil is a quiet person who in my opinion is a push over when it comes to her family and feels guilty when they give her a hard time.
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 09:01:32 am
when you said, "her little boy".  My DIL whispered to me awhile back...."you don't like it that I stole your little boy".  Course, no one heard it but me.  I never said a word, though I wish I had slapped her and been done with them right then. 

What a disgusting and heartbreaking thing to say to a Mother!  She was victorious in her way of saying it. 

A lot of parents do everything for their kids!  We did. Nothing was too much for them. Just wanted a family.  Never did I dream this person would enter my life. 

My husband is quietly so discouraged.  It breaks my heart...such a good man, such a great father.  She will get this back in her face in spades because guess what she has?  Nothing but boys.  I want to live to see this.
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: Kinzey on October 26, 2009, 09:34:24 am
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound bad. My mom just always called my brother her little baby boy just like I'm my daddy's little girl. I just didnt' like hearing my mom say bad things about his wife when the rest of us never saw anything being done that was wrong on my sil's part.
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 09:36:52 am
it's okay....you didn't sound bad.  I am very emotional right now.  Anything said is heartbreaking to me. 
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: AnnieB on October 27, 2009, 07:53:54 am
from my own personal experience, it is not always the son's family that gets thrown out.

As a DIL, I was happy to have a relatively normal family to marry into -- and it was my family that got left out more -- for the emotional health of myself, my marriage and my children.

Unfortunately, the guilt didn't let me keep my mother out long enough, she was very intrusive and I was not mature enough to break away from her until I was 39.  By then, I'd gone through two perfectly good husbands. 

And now I'm single and I'm the one caring for my mother.  Isn't that sweet?
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: lilyofthevalley on October 27, 2009, 09:26:28 pm
With my son and DIL, I realized that I wasn't being pushed out by her so much as ignored by my son.  And it's not that he ignored us, but it was his job to arrange visits and handle passing along information.  Back in my day (yes I feel old saying that :) ), the women tended to handle the social calendars for the family.  I asked my DIL once if we could plan a time for us to get together, and that's when she told me she'd love to but I needed to speak with my son because he handles coordinating visits with his side of the family.  Once I started asking my son and making it easier for him to plan a visit, things got better.  And while it's not what I did, it works for them and makes sense to me.  So maybe it's his mom and dad that are pushed away because our son's just aren't that good at social planning?  I know mine isn't.
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 27, 2009, 09:37:50 pm
Lily that's a great point.  My MIL seems to think that it's all my fault we don't arrange to visits or what have you, but she doesn't try to arrange with me she always tries to coordinate with my husband and he just doesn't care so he either tells me that we're not going or he tells his mother he'll figure it out later and doesn't and then it falls on me the DIL if we don't show. 
Title: Re: Why is it always HIS Mom and Dad?
Post by: just2baccepted on October 28, 2009, 02:50:59 pm
Quote from: lilyofthevalley on October 27, 2009, 09:26:28 pm
With my son and DIL, I realized that I wasn't being pushed out by her so much as ignored by my son.  And it's not that he ignored us, but it was his job to arrange visits and handle passing along information.  Back in my day (yes I feel old saying that :) ), the women tended to handle the social calendars for the family.  I asked my DIL once if we could plan a time for us to get together, and that's when she told me she'd love to but I needed to speak with my son because he handles coordinating visits with his side of the family.  Once I started asking my son and making it easier for him to plan a visit, things got better.  And while it's not what I did, it works for them and makes sense to me.  So maybe it's his mom and dad that are pushed away because our son's just aren't that good at social planning?  I know mine isn't.


I pretty much always left up the planning to DH as well.  I might have to push him a little but he talked to his mom and dad and set it all up.  And I set up anything with my family.  It seemed to work fine.  But now that I don't push him, we don't see the IL's very much at all, but at the same time DH is trying to protect our marriage.  Who knows what will happen later.  But he wants them to realize that we are a package deal.  DH said that said that ever since the day he got married he was waiting for his mom to say she only wanted him to come out for an occasion.  He knew how she was but he didn't want me to know because he didn't want me to dislike them.  MIL even recently bought a new bed for DH to encourage him to come out and spend the night, a twin bed of course because she doesn't want me out there afterall.

I just read Ihopuknows response and yes that same thing has happened to me.  I can think of only one time when we made plans to go out to the IL's house and we had to cancel them, but then I do remember that we did go out like two weeks later.  But my SIL said that MIL said I'll bet that's Just2b's doing, I'll bet Just2b didn't want to come out."  And then when we did go out two weeks later FIL made a point to tell us that he invited his other son over and they fed the hamburgers they had bought for us  to them.  Couldn't he had freezed them and waited two weekends later.  I thought boy you don't mess with these folks.  There so punitive.