Hi Ladies!
I just wanted to drop a line to ask if any of you have any good parenting or first time mom tips that you would like to share with me. Hubby and I are thinking about trying for a baby soon and I have to say the whole thing scares the life out of me. One big question I have is--how do you know if you are "ready" to become a parent? We are financially stable, own a home, are in a very good and stable relationship---everything is good "on paper". Still, I worry because I know that a baby would change everything. Plus, I would be at least 36 (probably closer to 37 if I am realistic) before we'd be able to actually have the baby, so I wouldn't exactly be the youngest first time mom on the block. I am eager to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
If you wait any longer for the perfect moment, then you just may miss it all together. Sure a baby changes everything and that is part of what makes them so special. Ok so you aren't the youngest Mom but you may be one of the more stable ones and to me that is worth a heck of a lot. I think I'd be lighting the fireplace tonight.. good luck oh and have fun trying.
Hi Laurie-
Thanks so much for your response! I think the thing that scares me the most is that I have several close friends with young children and they are always telling me how "lucky" I am that I don't have the responsibility of children. Mind you, these are friends who were always super gung-ho about having kids and one of them even went to great lengths to have kids (fertility drugs). I have always been the one to say--"Yeah, maybe I'll have kids in 2 or 3 years." But lately, I have had babies on the brain in a major way. Thanks again!
What wonderful news! Best wishes. I'm not sure anyone ever thinks they're ready for a baby, but most of us did fine anyway with or without the financial preparedness, house, etc. Those things will certainly make life easier for you all. A stable relationship is even better. Good luck ;)
Advice? 1.) Discuss & agree/compromise with DH on the big issues before they come up. 2.) Let go of expectations, since each child is born with their own personalities and needs.
Hi Pen-
Thanks so much for the thoughtful post! I agree with you completely about expectations (now let's see if I can do emotionally what I think is right intellectually--that's a hard thing to do sometimes). What do you think are the big things to think about that we should discuss? Thanks again for your thoughts!
Mrs. K, you'll do fine. The big issues will be different for every family, but here were ours:
Natural or homebirth vs. standard hospital birth
Immunizations?
Religion (or not)
IL/GP involvement
From whom you are willing to take advice
Breast only vs. pump/bottle/combo (so dad can feed sometimes)
Discipline
I am really embarrassed to admit now that I actually insisted that DH take a CPR/first aid class before I would leave our infant alone w/him. My hormones were out of control and I was kinda crazy. Not that it's a bad idea for expectant parents to take such a class, just that I didn't discuss it with him beforehand and just zinged him with it one day. He was really hurt.
Have you seen "Away We Go" with Maya Rudolph and Jon Krasinski? It's very sweet. One of the promises Jon's character asks of Maya's character while awaiting the birth of their first child was something like "Do you promise to let our daughter be whatever size she is without making her feel bad?" Not an exact quote but the point is to agree on how you'll both deal with body image and/or self-esteem issues when they come up for your kids (and they will. for sure.)
It's a funny, sweet, little bit tear-jerky, well-directed, well-acted by a great ensemble cast, well-scored, well-written, independent film. It's been on HBO lately; you can Netflix it too. Even if you're not planning to be pregnant anytime soon, or ever, it's a great little movie. Some language and mild sexual innuendo, but I didn't find it at all offensive.
Oh MrsKitty, I think you would make a wonderful Mother! I also think that being an 'older' Mom probably gives you a leg up on us that had children young. I think I have so much more patience and wisdom now.
How do you know that you are ready? You don't. No matter how much you prepare, research, ask or study, you are never ready for all the challenges it brings. You are also never prepared for all the pleasure, love, smiles and enjoyment it brings.
I know that we have many problems with our adult children here, but even with all of that, I wouldn't change it for the world! It was chaotic, crazy, stressful, worrisome, troubling, and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!
I also have a couple of friends that decided not to have children. And guess what? They have wonderful lives too. I think it is a totally personal choice between a couple and only you two can decide. It is a lifestyle choice as it truly does change your dynamics.
But, if you decide to do it, here is my best advice: Laughter
Yep, that's it...one word
Quote from: MrsKitty on January 04, 2011, 03:11:25 PM
Hi Ladies!
I just wanted to drop a line to ask if any of you have any good parenting or first time mom tips that you would like to share with me. Hubby and I are thinking about trying for a baby soon and I have to say the whole thing scares the life out of me. One big question I have is--how do you know if you are "ready" to become a parent? We are financially stable, own a home, are in a very good and stable relationship---everything is good "on paper". Still, I worry because I know that a baby would change everything. Plus, I would be at least 36 (probably closer to 37 if I am realistic) before we'd be able to actually have the baby, so I wouldn't exactly be the youngest first time mom on the block. I am eager to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
LOL, your never really ready, and you make mistakes, some biggys some small, however, you grow up with your kids....
one thing, don't make the mistake of holding your baby all the time, if you do, you create a monster for whomever....allow the child to cry, b/c that is the only exercise they get when they're small....mine still has crying tantrums, and he's 40....(just kidding)
When I was pregnant, I read a baby book and it said, if you don't have your child pretty much under control by the time they are 5, that is pretty much what they're character is going to be, so I started early, also, look up signing, and teaching your baby to talk, it's incredible!!!!!! I mean it, really incredible...
Good luck....
and big hugs
Oh I like this game... Kitty this is where you get to see so many different angles on child rearing:
Quote from: Pen on January 04, 2011, 09:40:28 PM
Mrs. K, you'll do fine. The big issues will be different for every family, but here were ours:
Natural or homebirth vs. standard hospital birth - I vote for upgraded hospital birth, kinda like flying first class
Immunizations? It hurts to see those little guys have to take the shots, but I'm 100% for immunizations... this is where you learn to trust a good pediatrician for his advice.
Religion (or not) I probably used God's name during the child's conception, so why not use it during his life.
IL/GP involvement Miss Kitty if you were smart, you wouldn't blink on this one while posting on this site.. the right answer is YES we want our parents involved.
From whom you are willing to take advice Oh yeah that can be a loaded gun
Breast only vs. pump/bottle/combo (so dad can feed sometimes) Let's clarify, that is Dad feeding the baby
Discipline this one sure grows as you grow with your child
Don't forget circumcision - it's an optional thing
How to handle a child's savings account - remember college tuition will be ridiculous by time your child is that age.
The big one: Childcare vs stay at home mom or dad
Good one Courtney
QuoteOh honey, why do you have to cry every time you see me?' The precocious 2+ yr old who talks very well, (and has before made astute observant statements), says, 'Maybe she doesn't like you, Momma." hahaha! These are the moments that are worth any bad times
I like many mothers never bought into that let them cry for the sake of crying. I held my first son constantly, I felt that he needed it and to be perfectly honest, I needed it as well. I also breastfed this child until he was over 2 and while I thought it would take an act of God to get him off my chest, in his own time he overcame that challenge as well. (did you know that some tribes breastfeed until their children almost reach puberty) That is the beauty of creating children, they are all so different with different needs and desires... flexibility is the key to making it through their youth.
Yikes, how did I forget circumcision???
Quote from: Pen on January 05, 2011, 08:57:20 AM
Yikes, how did I forget circumcision???
I can see how you forgot it :)
Hi Ladies!
Thanks so much for your great posts and advice. Some of these things we have indeed considered--others, I hadn't thought about at all--so a big THANK YOU to you all! I'll be sure to check back in and let you know if we have any "good news" in the future. ;)
Mrs Kitty - do you and Mr Kitty *WANT* to have kids? I think this is actually really important to consider. If you want a really-real idea about motherhood, go check out truu mom confessions. It's an eye-opener for sure.
Would you be prepared for a child with special needs? Autistic? Handicapped? Sensory issues?
Would you be okay with having an only child? (You *could* have another, but who knows?)
Are you and DH on the same page as far as all the previously noted issues (circumcision, feeding, discipline, etc)?
Are you (and DH) prepared to give up your current lifestyle for your child? Because kids need schedules, they also need 'stuff'. You will find that your ability to just 'go' somewhere is hampered. You will find that your wardrobe will change. Your body will change. You won't be able to have a little 2-seater car for a long time. You will have to make sacrifices to save up for college. I think that these decisions are easy for most women to make (especially women who WANT kids), but I think that a lot of Dads are SHOCKED at the changes in their lives. So, is your DH prepared to share you with a child. And let me tell you, the first few years you will be largely focused on the baby. You will be tired. You won't want to have sex (at all at first, and not *much* for a while). Of course, this doesn't mean this will all happen, but it might and are you prepared for it?
Because there are huge rewards, but it's hugely hard too and it's not something you can go into flippantly. I don't think anyone should have a child without actively WANTING that child.
Hi Scoop--Food for thought--thanks!
I wanted several children, but lost 3, I was lucky to have my son...very lucky....however, all of it was worth it, 100 times over, there are no words to describe the rewards of raising a child...yes, your schedule definately changes and your children are demanding....but to me, my child was not only the light of my life but one of my greatest accomplishments....child birth to me wasn't awful, it was the most miraculous experience of my entire life...
yeah, there are hard times....just don't have a son...LOL....
unless you really really understand, you can't interfer and you must let them go....
a daughter is a daughter all your life, and a son is a son until he takes a wife, and it is soooooooooo true..... ;D
Hi Creme.
Thanks for your input. To be honest, I have always wanted a daughter :D
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 05, 2011, 02:12:18 PM
yeah, there are hard times....just don't have a son...LOL....
unless you really really understand, you can't interfer and you must let them go....
a daughter is a daughter all your life, and a son is a son until he takes a wife, and it is soooooooooo true..... ;D
I don't believe that for a minute... Once your children go off into their own lives, most balanced parents understand that you should not interfere, but this is true whether it's your son or your daughter. Being a parent is not about interference, but about teaching them balance, love, loyalty, responsibility amongst other lessons. If I went along with that old hogwash of a saying, I might as well give up on ever having a relationship with my boys, and I'm not going to do that.
Some parents do test those waters, some possibly do need to feel that they take priority in their children's lives after they've married. Some have to learn the hard way to let their kids grow up and live, but letting them live does not have to exclude parents. My sons still come to us when they are unsure of an investment, a car repair, or recently how to approach a girlfriend apprehensive father. I just had one call today to ask if I'd like to go shoe shopping with him. This is being a parent and being a parent is giving your child every tool that they need to be the best parent in return.
If I went along with that type of saying then when my daughter marries I should just send a sympathy card to the grooms parents. I think when I have a sil I will see him as a whole person who came to be the same as my children.. he wasn't hatched at some science lab, for that reason I would expect him to continue with the same relationship he has with his parents now.
So true, Laurie.
I have two daughters, and not close to either of them, and have friends who are much closer to their sons. Whatever you have Mrs.Kitty you will love them every minute of the rest of your life.
Maybe she'll get lucky and have one of each.
Dear Mrs. Kitty,
I am late responding to this, but it has given me some great memories, so thank you for asking.
I was 36 when I had my last baby, and in that sense, I was close to your potential experience. I had my first son at age 22, then adopted. When I was so young I wasn't fully mature enough to be the greatest mother. This didn't mean that I didn't love those babies so dearly. It did mean that my youngest son had the benefit of my age and experience and as you say of yourself, financial stability and a stable home life. I also had this very over-drugged birthing experience with my first which was awful. We then adopted, partly because my body wasn't stable enough yet to have another child, but also, and mainly, because we were committed to giving a disadvantaged child a home, hopefully a good one. When my second pregnancy/third child came along, I was firm that I would have natural childbirth and I did. Yes, K, it is frightening to contemplate, but if you can go through it, it is unlike anything else; fear is erased during that experience of no drugs, oh yes, it is. It teaches so much and raises the natural joy level to even greater heights. Please consider it. I feel that once you are pregnant, you will cross all the barriers you describe of fear. You obviously want to have a child, or you wouldn't write so eloquently here. The main thing is: do NOT be afraid.
In each case of having the babies, both biological and adopted, it was beyond description. No other experience in life compares with that baby first time in your arms. It's the most loving, most beautiful, most other-worldly experience you will ever have. Later, there will be trials and tribulations and sometimes pain enough to match the first joys. But, I wouldn't give it up for anything. There is no moment so sublime, so ecstatic with joy, as when your babe is placed in your arms. It's the gaze, someone once said so beautifully, the first meeting of the eyes with your little one. A moment so special it cannot be described in words. The thing that bonds us all as humans, the hope for the world.
Despite the troubles I've had with my adopted son, your post made me look back and realize I never would have given up the experience of motherhood, not just the JOYS, but the EXPERIENCE of it. It's the deepest human connection that can be made and, if managed properly with good and supportive care during pregnancy and childbirth, your fears will be so alleviated. Read a whole ton of information; know what you want; know your medical providers; know if they are committed to a natural experience. You'll be fine!
It is an experience, an act of faith, that demands that you not look into the future with expectations. Your little one is enough. From your concerns, I can see you will be a wonderful mother. Don't miss out on this experience of life. And thank you again for asking, for you've made me realize that every part of it, even the bad, has been worth every minute of it.
I think you know you're ready to be a parent when you realize it "scares the life out of you" and you go ahead.
Kathleen
Quote from: Laurie on January 05, 2011, 03:18:54 PM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 05, 2011, 02:12:18 PM
yeah, there are hard times....just don't have a son...LOL....
unless you really really understand, you can't interfer and you must let them go....
a daughter is a daughter all your life, and a son is a son until he takes a wife, and it is soooooooooo true..... ;D
I don't believe that for a minute... Once your children go off into their own lives, most balanced parents understand that you should not interfere, but this is true whether it's your son or your daughter. Being a parent is not about interference, but about teaching them balance, love, loyalty, responsibility amongst other lessons. If I went along with that old hogwash of a saying, I might as well give up on ever having a relationship with my boys, and I'm not going to do that.
Some parents do test those waters, some possibly do need to feel that they take priority in their children's lives after they've married. Some have to learn the hard way to let their kids grow up and live, but letting them live does not have to exclude parents. My sons still come to us when they are unsure of an investment, a car repair, or recently how to approach a girlfriend apprehensive father. I just had one call today to ask if I'd like to go shoe shopping with him. This is being a parent and being a parent is giving your child every tool that they need to be the best parent in return.
If I went along with that type of saying then when my daughter marries I should just send a sympathy card to the grooms parents. I think when I have a sil I will see him as a whole person who came to be the same as my children.. he wasn't hatched at some science lab, for that reason I would expect him to continue with the same relationship he has with his parents now.
Laurie, I am very very weary of you taking my posts and posting something like this...you never ever, show me any acknowledge whatso ever, unless you have something negative to say about my posts...
you can disagree...and I don't really care if you do....and maybe your doing this on purpose, I don't know, however, ever since you joined this forum, you take my posts and disect them and tear them apart in the very worst way possible....I mean you really tear me a new one....Laurie, you have a right to your opinion, however, you do not have a right to attack someone like this with mean spirit....this is the very reason I stayed away for so long...you h ave never ever once come into any post I've made to say something nice, you wait and lurk and then pounce, and I don't know what I ever did to you personally, however, this post of yours has gone way to far and I'm sick of it....your very outspoken to the point of disgracing someone....and it's so wrong....so, disagree, I really don't care....however, the strength of your posts to me, personally reflects a definate personality conflict, and I suggest, if you have to post something like this, then don't post at all....I've watched you since you've been here, and you've attacked me since the very beginning, and I've tried very hard to ignore you, but you do know how to push buttons....i.e. this post and the last few you've made.
Have you heard the old saying, if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all?
Why me Laurie, HUH?
you literally take my thoughts and feelings I write, and totally discet them and call them hogwash...
What works for you, doesn't work for me or others here and visa versa...
I know you'd be perfectly happy if I'd leave here for good, but I ask you, if you wouldn't mind if you have to disagree so forcefully, then please refrain from posting anything at all...as I said, maybe that is your intent...but not a very nice thing to do...it has nothing to do with us disagreeing, it's more then that....what is it Laurie...?
I am not hogwash, and when you talk like that, your not only disregarding my total being, but my whole families, b/c that is who we are....
and my thoughts and feelings may be hogwash, however, doesn't mean your an authority or your right to the extent of being this cruel....
your not always right and neither am I, but you never ever saw me come into any of your posts and talk to you with such little regard, and I believe you might want to think twice about your approach when you don't like someone, b/c it IS very evident....
What is evident is you're (your) making a lot of assumptions... matter of fact quite a few more then you're accusing me of. Now you're saying that if I state that a old saying that has been tossed around here for some time is hogwash, I'm attacking your entire family lineage? I don't see the connection. I'm pushing your buttons?
Lee.. as you say often, please don't think I'm attempting to be mean. But... I too am allowed to have my own views..I have been as consistent in my proactive approach to child rearing and dealing with my adult children as you have been to taking the defeatist role and encouraging others to do the same. If our views conflict, oh well they conflict.. but there (their) is more then one way to approach life and often you are bent on advising others that it's only your way.
If you do not like my postings yet others are not highly offended, then there (their)is an option available here to 'ignore' any poster on these boards. Might I suggest that you utilize that option. If you in the future feel the need to publicly have a little tiff, then I would suggest for the sake of the boards to use the private (privet) message option that is also available.. because your rant had nothing to do with the topic at hand.
OK, you guys. Let's move on and get that this forum is for expression and sharing in a respectful way. We can have different ideas about what is respectful and varying interpretations of posts and posters. However, once our hackles are up...it's time to move to Word, move through our experience unilaterally and let it go. With that, I am closing this thread because I don't see it going anywhere that is useful to the whole.
Many forums thrive on controversy. Not mine. I think it can escalate all too quickly and distract us from what we came to give and receive...which is stated pretty clearly in my Vision Statement at the right upper corner of the Home Page and our Agreement. Sending love...always...