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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm

Title: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm
My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship w/ him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for 2 years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner, just to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shut up and swallowed because we didn't want to create a conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made clear that she is paying 120.00 for each guests to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her 240.00 dollars.
We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are 2 control freaks and just don't know what to say or do. WE definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but don't know how to tell this to him. PLEASE HELP.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on November 23, 2010, 03:58:20 pm
That is so disgusting. It feels like they have declared war. Can you ask you son what he wants and go with that?
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 04:20:51 pm
If they declared war, they have not found an enemy. We don't want fight and never showed them any type of animosity or that we wanted to impose anything. I tried to talk about the subject with my son before the dinner, and I think he feels pressured by them. He also doesn't want to create a conflict and said that her mom has been planning her wedding since she was born. When I tried to argue that he has also a family and that the wedding is for both of them; he said that he didn't feel like talking about this, and that we please change the subject. Then at the dinner he seemed to be 100% with them. I felt very sad and just don't know how to approach him or her again without creating a conflict. We think that starting a marriage with people angry is not a good start. I think that at the end we will show up at the wedding and be the only people from his family. Definetelly we won't feel comfortable then and never in any other "family reunion". It is just to sad and nothing close to what I have dreamed.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on November 23, 2010, 04:31:59 pm
Good for you for not responding. I still think they declared war...by taking over like that and shooting you down. If you hadn't raised a great son, there wouldn't be any groom or wedding! It's really nasty and tells you what's ahead, I'm afraid. I don't know what else you can do but what you have done...turn your son over to them and bow out. Let's see what the others here have to say. I wish I could be more positive. Sending love...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on November 23, 2010, 04:35:57 pm
I am so sorry sadsadmom.  That is so very hurtful of them.  I think as MOG's, we expect that most of the wedding will be about the Bride's needs, but to be totally excluded and told you can't invite anyone?  I find that very cruel.

Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on November 23, 2010, 04:37:42 pm
And I will echo what Luise just said, be prepared for this to be a sign of what is to come in the future regarding holidays, birthdays, visits, etc.  I too hate to sound so negative, but if this is already starting, it doesn't bode well for the future. 

I can say this out of kindness, because I wasn't prepared and got shocked.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 04:53:38 pm
I've been trying to think what I can do to minimize the conflict. I don't want to loose my son at the altar like someone else posted in another forum, but I don't know how I can prevent it. I am trying to keep cool and thinking what to do. Starting a war it is not going to help and maybe it will be even worse. I know he felt that we were sad because he called me a few times the next day and asked me if I was ok. He didn't directly mention the dinner at the day before. I didn't mention either, because I didn't want to talk it in a phone conversation. We will meet for Thanksgiving and see how it will go. I do need a good advise. I am thinking of looking for a professional family counselor.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on November 23, 2010, 05:02:04 pm
We have many women on our forum who have lost their sons at the alter. I think counseling might be wise. I know I sound like the voice of doom but it's my very sad impression that you have already lost your son. He had a chance to stand up and say, "No way, these people are why you have a groom!"...and he didn't. He feels badly, his calls reflect that but he's not changing anything. When that happens...it's all over. Sons become besotted robots. And If I sound angry...I am...for you.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: jill on November 23, 2010, 05:05:32 pm
Are they officially engaged?  If not, how about an engagement party for your side of the family only.  Also, I think I would offer to pay the $240.00.    If an engagement party would not work, how about some sort of celebration for your family and friends.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 05:12:05 pm
yes, they are officially engaged and I already tried to have an engagement party of course with no success. I offered to have the rehersal dinner/party and inviting everybody - rejected. I offered a party for all his/her friends and family after the wedding - rejected. If we decide to go to the wedding, we are planning to leave the money in an envelope. Then they do what they want. I still didn't give up. I am thinking of anything possible.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on November 23, 2010, 05:21:04 pm
Welcome, Sadsadmom. This is a new low. They are certainly right up front about their intentions to cut you out of your DS's life! Most of us were at least shmoozed until the wedding. It's not sounding very positive, I'm sorry to say.

I'm glad you've decided to go. Take a camera since you probably won't see or receive any wedding pics (trust me; been there.) Have an escape plan if it gets to be too much for you to handle. Wear something fabulous - since by their request you're not an involved MOTG, you don't have to "wear beige and shut up."

Does your DS understand what's at stake here? Is he ready to be totally absorbed by this family, completely forsaking his FOO? Is there any way you can get through to him? Once he understands what's going on would he speak up if he didn't want to go along with it?

My heart goes out to you. Please take care.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: MrsKitty on November 23, 2010, 05:33:21 pm
This feels like very odd behavior from your son's new in laws. Is there any reason you could think of that they would want to keep your side away? Perhaps you can suggest to your son that he and his fiance get pre-marital therapy to set up the framework for a healthy marriage. I would not put this in the context of getting what you want in regards to the wedding--I would tell him that it is important that he and his wife iron out any potential challenges in their relationship. I am so happy that my DH and I did that! We had a few issues that were worked out and I think it made us much stronger as a couple. A therapist might be a good neutral third party to discuss the issue of control and boundaries with your son and his new bride. Obviously, a wedding is an important day--but it is more important that they have a healthy and happy marriage, which they won't be able to do if her parents are running the show and inserting themselves into this marriage. As I have said before--only two people fit in a marriage! Good luck.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: MrsKitty on November 23, 2010, 05:43:25 pm
One more thought--is this a small wedding? I ask because my DH and I had very few family members at our wedding (just our parents and brothers and sisters and a few cousins on my DH's side. The only family I had were Mom, Dad and sister because I really consider my friends "family" more so than any of my cousins or aunts/uncles--I barely know them). We wanted a small wedding with only our closest friends and relatives there. My DH's parents wanted to invite more people, but we said no (stress on the "we"). We didn't say no because we didn't want them to have any say...it was because we wanted our wedding to be an intimate affair, with only the people we love most in the world (we only had 50 people, including the 2 of us and the priest). DH actually wanted even fewer people than that!

However, it sounds like your new in laws may be a bit crazy, so this is probably not their reason, but I just wanted to offer an alternative perspective.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on November 23, 2010, 11:39:14 pm
Sad Mom.. please do not alienate yourself from your son and miss his wedding.  I know it's hard, I too felt that at times that our family was simply providing the groom.  My son came to me and and said that he felt that certain aspects of the wedding were getting out of hand.  Unlike yourself I was hosting the rehearsal dinner I did have quite a bit of communication with the brides mother, but was informed that this was her daughters wedding and that whatever she wanted is what she would get. 

You know I get it to a certain extent, since girls were little they have been taught that this was going to be the most magical day of their lives, that they have one shot to make it perfect. It's their day to shine, to be admired, their passage into true womanhood.. I get all that but.... what about the groom and his family?  We made the best of the wedding day.  We felt a little like outsiders at our son's wedding, but he was never privy to our innermost thoughts.  I smiled, I was truly happy because he looked like he was very confident with his decision to enter into marriage with a woman who he felt was his perfect bride.  The one thing that my son stood firm on and against the future in-laws and brides wishes was that his Best Man to be, his brother could not attend as he was out of the country attending college.  Instead of replacing him with a good friend, he chose to do a missing man formation, he said that no one could fill the spot of his brother.  After I heard him say that I knew that we would never be outsiders in his heart.

I would with your son, provide a guest list of your family and friends that your son feels should participate in his day.  Tell him how important it is, and explain to him why your feelings had been hurt and I'm sure he will realize that his family has to be there to celebrate his special day with him as well.  Certainly his bride to be and future mil could not possibly look him in the face and tell him that his family is not welcomed. 

This is a tough situation.. I hope you feel better after having a chance to speak with your son.

As far as the money goes.. let them pay, order a few extra glasses of wine on their dime.  Take the money that you had allocated for the wedding, and in the future, book a cruise for you and the young couple where you can celebrate their happiness in a more intimate surrounding.  Oh yeah, and don't invite the in-laws  ::)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: kathleen on November 24, 2010, 04:19:12 am
I relate to everyone's anger at the in-your-face manner in which this young couple is making a wedding a political football event.  My husband and I have been there.  It also is indeed unpleasant to attend a wedding and be elbowed aside. 

However, speaking as one who was required to pay and pay and pay for a very expensive, out-of-control wedding that my son and DIL could ill afford, I do feel that the only bright side here is that you will save the money, which will be ill-spent if their behavior continues.  You are finding out immediately before you are presented with big bills what this situation is and is likely to continue to be.  Laurie's suggestion of spending the money on something special for yourselves is brilliant, though I question whether the young couple will be willing to come along on a cruise, particularly without her entourage. 

It may sound amazing, and there was a time I wouldn't have believed I ever would say this, but I wish my son and DIL had been this up front at the time of the wedding; it would have saved years of pain, frustration, confusion and, of course, doling out ever larger sums of money.  I wish they could have said, "Look, DIL does not like you; her family is paramount and they don't want you around; we'll always go with them, no matter what the event or the issue, and we'll participate in and enjoy slights and put-downs; but we do accept any money you want to throw our way."  That would have been an honest assessment of the situation as it was going to play out.  At least this surgical strike happening to you is focused and quick, possibly making your recovery period shorter.  I truly hope so.

With the others I so much wish there was a better outlook for the future and I hope it will resolve positively for you.

Good luck,

Kathleen
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Sunny1 on November 24, 2010, 04:46:30 am
sadmom, I'm looking at this as a DIL who was paying for her own wedding, but my in-laws controlled and manipulated my DH to the point where our wedding was completely ruined by my MIL and SIL. The only thing that was my choice out of it, was my dress, which I purchased before my MIL could start her temper tantrums about "the way things should be" and "her family." I wasted thousands of dollars, and didn't even have a bouquet by the time it was all said and done. I realize that my situation is extreme, but I can promise you that if you start any type of war over the wedding, that you will never be forgiven for it.

I was a divorced, single mom for ten years when my DH and I got engaged. I had dreamed that if a man ever swept me off of my feet enough to marry again, that we would make it a simple wedding by driving about 8 hours with our immediate families only, and get married on a beach in the Carolina's. For ten years I dreamed about that...with my son as a ring bearer, and my twin sis at my side all barefooted in the sand. Simple, small and romantic. It turned out that I got engaged to a man who didn't even show up to his own college graduation, and I had know idea that his mother was like she was. Things started right away about his grandparents being not able to make the long drive, (though no one ever asked them if they could.) His mother insisted that we get married in a church, because it "wouldn't be christian otherwise." I complied, like and idiot, and it all went downhill from there. The entire thing ended up being about "their" family. She threw fits about everything but was absurdly hypocritical about.

Three years later, my husband and I are on the brink of divorce because he never had the cahones to set proper boundaries with her. I was more than willing to include their family and compromise things, but I was manipulated into compromising everything I wanted. It was a disaster. They never compromised once. Our wedding was a predecessor of what was to come. My feelings were always second to my MIL's constant "hurt feelings" over everything. They were always quick to point out that 'family is everything", but somehow managed to con my husband into thinking his own wife wasn't his new family. It was really warped. These supposed Christians somehow forgot what being a Christian was really all about.

It's a very delicate situation, sadmom. It's ridiculous that your son's future in-laws won't think of his family. That's purely selfish. Your son should be standing up for those in your family that should be invited, without making it a war. Marriage is full of compromises, and both sides have to be willing to bend.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on November 24, 2010, 05:29:46 am
Sadmom, it sounds like you have offered many, and very good options in trying to resolve this and have been shot down at every turn. I have much respect for you as you are still continuing to seek solutions, even after being told no over and over again.  That takes a very strong person.

I do think you have done everything you can trying to find a solution to this, and with your Son unwilling to discuss it with you, I think it will be very hard for you to change anything at this point.  I love Laurie's advice on letting your Son know that you are disappointed that you can't invite a few important people to the event, and then it will be in his court to decide if he will discuss it with his bride and take a stand.  If he chooses not to, then he is telling her that it is ok to disrespect his FOO and setting a precedence for the years to come.  It also shows that she has no desire to participate or include his FOO in their life. 

If nothing changes, then I am with you and everyone else on attending the wedding.  You need to attend, look fabulous and smile the entire time.  If you do not, then that will give them ammunition to say later, "Why should we visit, they wouldn't even attend our wedding?"  I know that sounds harsh of me, but that's what will happen I'm afraid.  I also wouldn't leave any money for the event and use it on something for yourselves.  You had no choice on the amount per person that they were willing to pay, so that was their decision and not something you should feel guilty about. 

I know that many people here are advocating, don't give up, keep trying.  And I am not saying that you should give up.  But I think all of us here have learned that you can't change people.  They have to be willing to change, and want to.  And no matter how hard you try, if you Son is not willing to stand up his family and himself, then you can't make him.  You will just be met with resentment and if he tells his bride and she tells her Mom, then it will just fester from there.  So make your disappointment known to your Son, then find an incredible dress, a great pair of shoes, get your hair done, a manicure and pedicure and know that you matter.

Lots of hugs!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Scoop on November 24, 2010, 05:31:19 am
Sad, that sounds just awful about your DS's IL's.  He's buying into a hard life.  Sadly, I don't think you can do anything about it.

Here's what I would do, I would give DS a list of address of close relatives and friends of the family (try and keep the list fairly small because if they accept, you will probably have to pay for these guests).  And just give it to him, saying explicitly that *of course* he gets to choose who he invites to HIS wedding, but you wanted to give these to him so that he would have them ready.  Or "tee hee" maybe he wants to send Christmas cards to some of these people!  Bwa-ha-ha!  (Meaning that you're laughing at the very idea of him sending Christmas cards, because you know that's not his thing.)

Then change the subject, because it's over, you'll have done everything you can (hopefully) without damaging your relationship.  But do keep talking, don't leave a big silence waiting for him to fill it.  You've planted the seed, now give it time to grow.

Please, please don't give them $240 in an envelope at the wedding.  It will be taken as an insult and they will take that ball and run with it.

Part of me thinks that you should take whatever you would have (comfortably) spent on the wedding and gift it to them "to help them get started as a family of their own".  But please only do this if you can accept that you likely won't get any return on your investment.  Do it only if you think it's 'right' and for your own sake.

I'm sorry that your son's wedding is starting out like this. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on November 24, 2010, 09:19:33 am
Hmmm...we were similar to Sunny.  We didn't want anyone paying and we didn't want a huge big white wedding.  We got our wishes overturned by compromising a little too much.  But that's my story.

Do they want a small wedding?  I would give a list to DS but I'd also find out their vision about the wedding too.  My MIL was convinced that she was being left out and it was personal to her but everyone was being left out lol.  We didn't need help planning or with money or making decisions.  It was crystal clear what DH and I both wanted so there was really nothing for MIL to do or organize/be responsible for.   Yes, my mom had a little more active role as my mother....she got to go to my dress fittings, MIL wanted to go too and then she wanted to bring her entourage (3 sisters and 2 daughters) b/c it was "traditional" in their family for all females to be there despite my extreme discomfort lol. 

Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on November 24, 2010, 09:39:57 am
See that is exactly where I think some MILs mess up. (Not talking about anyone here personally).  I know that this day is about the Bride.  And it very well should be IMHO.  It should be her day, her time to shine.  I never, ever would have asked to attend a fitting.  And I wouldn't have expected her to ask me.  I think this is the time when a Mother and Daughter get to spend quality, fun time together and that it should be their time.  I wouldn't want to make any decisions regarding the wedding (colors, place, time, food, etc.) as I think that is all personal choices of the Bride.  I think many MILs forget that this is how it should be.  For those that include the MIL in the processes, they are the lucky ones.

But what amazes me too is the inability of some DILs or their Mothers to also understand that the MOG doesn't want to be completely left out.  Including her in some of the plans is not asking much.  I don't even have a problem with them giving her a number of people she can invite.  I specifically asked my FDIL if I had a limit, and if so, how many?  The reason we felt left out was not because we wanted to be invited or included on all the decisions.  It was things like 10 minutes prior to the wedding, we didn't know if we were supposed to sit down, or were being walked down because they didn't tell us anything.  She never would tell me what color dress she would like to see me in until 5 days before, and by then it was too late.  I had already purchased on by that time since I had been asking for 3 months.  She had 100's of pictures taken of her family and them, but 1 of us.  Little things that said to us, "You are only here because I had to."

For shame on all the MILs that don't give the DIL room to have their day.  And for shame on all the DILs that leave the MOG out in the cold.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: sadsadmom on November 24, 2010, 11:13:12 am
Thank you very, very much for all your posts.
My son is coming tonight to have dinner with us and I'll be having a very calm and honest conversation with him.
Lets hope for the best. I'll keep you post. Thanks again.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on November 24, 2010, 11:20:57 am
We'll be there...tucked into a little pocket over your heart.  :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on November 24, 2010, 11:28:01 am
And if that doesn't work out for you.. bring him here, surely we can pound some sense into him :)   Everything will work out and you'll always be there for him .. he's a lucky guy, I hope he knows it.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on November 24, 2010, 01:50:31 pm
Good luck sadsadmom.  Sending huge hugs your way!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Nana on November 24, 2010, 10:06:13 pm
Pooh.....
excellent post.....I love it.

Good advice for mils...."give dil  room to have their day"
for dils  "Dont leave MOG out in the cold.

Balance women.....

Love
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: MISS_U on November 24, 2010, 11:00:47 pm
Quote from: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm
they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter.

Except for the gift part, that is exactly DH and I told MIL/FIL. It was our wedding. We had it planned a week later and were married seven months. We invited 76 people, his family consisted 16 and mine is much larger. We each invited 38 people. All of mine but 4-5 were  a few close relatives, he invited his whole family while friends and coworkers made up the rest.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on November 25, 2010, 04:42:29 am
Quote from: MISS_U on November 24, 2010, 11:00:47 pm
Quote from: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm
they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter.

Except for the gift part, that is exactly DH and I told MIL/FIL. It was our wedding. We had it planned a week later and were married seven months. We invited 76 people, his family consisted 16 and mine is much larger. We each invited 38 people. All of mine but 4-5 were  a few close relatives, he invited his whole family while friends and coworkers made up the rest.

Hey as long as you were willing to accept gifts.. all is good.

I could be mistaken but I think SadMom was implying that not all the grooms family was going to be invited. 

It's officially Turkey Day... Happy Holidays everyone
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Faithlooksup on November 28, 2010, 07:06:00 am
Hi!!  Just go to the wedding with a smile on your face and pride in your Heart--you are their for you Son... If you do not go this will be a regret that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.  Just ask your son if their is anything you can help with--and leave it at that...  Blessings to you.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on November 30, 2010, 07:51:36 am
Quote from: Pooh on November 24, 2010, 09:39:57 am
See that is exactly where I think some MILs mess up. (Not talking about anyone here personally).  I know that this day is about the Bride.  And it very well should be IMHO.  It should be her day, her time to shine.  I never, ever would have asked to attend a fitting.  And I wouldn't have expected her to ask me.  I think this is the time when a Mother and Daughter get to spend quality, fun time together and that it should be their time.  I wouldn't want to make any decisions regarding the wedding (colors, place, time, food, etc.) as I think that is all personal choices of the Bride.  I think many MILs forget that this is how it should be.  For those that include the MIL in the processes, they are the lucky ones.

But what amazes me too is the inability of some DILs or their Mothers to also understand that the MOG doesn't want to be completely left out.  Including her in some of the plans is not asking much.  I don't even have a problem with them giving her a number of people she can invite.  I specifically asked my FDIL if I had a limit, and if so, how many?  The reason we felt left out was not because we wanted to be invited or included on all the decisions.  It was things like 10 minutes prior to the wedding, we didn't know if we were supposed to sit down, or were being walked down because they didn't tell us anything.  She never would tell me what color dress she would like to see me in until 5 days before, and by then it was too late.  I had already purchased on by that time since I had been asking for 3 months.  She had 100's of pictures taken of her family and them, but 1 of us.  Little things that said to us, "You are only here because I had to."

For shame on all the MILs that don't give the DIL room to have their day.  And for shame on all the DILs that leave the MOG out in the cold.


ITA, Pooh.

The thing is that some people can't be reasonable.  If I had told MIL the color dress, she would have complained about that.  She complained about all the wedding colors in every.single.wedding of her children's and nieces/nephews.  With some people it's not going to matter how much you give or bend, it's not going to be enough.   
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 15, 2010, 03:28:29 pm
Quote from: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm
My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship w/ him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for 2 years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner, just to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shut up and swallowed because we didn't want to create a conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made clear that she is paying 120.00 for each guests to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her 240.00 dollars.
We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are 2 control freaks and just don't know what to say or do. WE definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but don't know how to tell this to him. PLEASE HELP.



  If I had to do it over again? Taking it from MY circumstance/my story -  I would have called the police right there at the hair salon and made out reports for the burnings my daughter and I received at the bridal hair thing.  Then, I SHOULD have taken daughter to the emergency room at the local hospital, had them photograph the burn on her scalp and had it treated.  If we didn't make it in time?  Oh well.  I think bridey and her mother intended on the two of us missing the thing anyway.   
  I look back on the events, the months --years--leading up to "it" and it amazes me that I didn't crack.  Not one mean word.  Not one nasty payback.  I made it thru the whole event.  I sat like a mouse thru all of it.  Quietly.  I didn't even flinch when I was to find that the ex (son's bio dad missing in his life for umpteen years)  was going to be on my left and my husband who paid for my son's EVERYTHING - would be on my right to walk into the reception hall.  What a crock.

My suggestion?  Send them a congrats card.  No money.  Take the money and go on the most amazing trip.  Take tons of pics.  Or,move and don't give them a forwarding address.  They will be fine without you.  They already let you know how much you are NOT needed in their lives. 

Ooops a side note: a light did go off a couple weeks before the thing.  I had told them their other *shower* gift from  stepfather and I could possibly be a new mattress set, perhaps?  Stepdad and I DID pay for what the groom's fam pays for - except for boutonnieres.  MOB grabbed those up for some insane reason - then Bridey asked if we would pick up the tab for ALL OF THE FLOWERS at church/reception.  I declined.  You see, you can't really be in control of flowers...you just pay the $5000 or whatev and throw them all away.  But HER family CONTROLLED EVERYTHING.  The photos, the music, the table settings - I loved being right next to the speakers...I was a bit hurt when mob told the dj not to play any of my family's music requests "they aren't paying for it...we are".  I don't know what this cretin meant for her EXHUSBAND paid for it all...not her!  But this deranged woman was in control of it all. 
  So, instead of giving them that gift as well as the $$$$ for the honeymoon trip--I used it on myself.  Fillers, botox and lasers.  I looked amazing.    :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: cd1029 on December 22, 2010, 12:14:30 am
Sounds awful for you.  I would not leave money in an envelope.  Go as a guest and enjoy yourself. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: dablacks on December 22, 2010, 05:19:37 pm
Hello Sadsadmom,
I would go to the wedding because if you do not, no one will remember why you went, only that you did not go.

I have a daughter who put her in laws first right from the start.  It's been 10 years and to tell you the truth it gets easier. I have learned to understand how it is and do not challenge anyone.  At the time of the wedding, the mother in law was very pushy, I knew at the time that my husband and I were paying for this wedding so she can say anything she wanted, we made the final decision.  Of course, they did a few undermining things, like parties that we were not invited too and I look back now and think, so what.  They can live how they want or to say it better, they have to live with themselves.

What I have read is true, if your son has not made a stand, he is not going to in the near future.  Accept it, pick out a very nice dress and enjoy the party like you would any party that you are invited too.  It might sound cold, but is reality that we must accept.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy year ahead.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: neecee on January 20, 2011, 03:18:28 pm
Ditto for all the previous notes.  Take the message to heart and let it set the foundation for a different kind of relationship with son.  Buy a great dress a pedicure and some new "hair"(instead of paying money for a miserable party) and put DH in a nice suit.  Go and enjoy each other.  We didn't even get in any family pictures...nor did our guests.  And go on that cruise and get some additional use of the dress! 
We gave ourselves permission to grieve for a year.  We lived through the first holidays without our son and his new kids, and since then, it just gets better.  Hugs to you dearie.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on January 25, 2011, 04:39:52 pm
sadsadmom~I wish you all the best and send big hugs~I cannot offer advice as i'm dealing with DIL issues to,I am new to this group and today I put their advice to use,and it worked~1 small victory for me~I took the high road as suggested~I hope it works for you as well~
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: dablacks on January 27, 2011, 02:23:05 pm
Hi sad mom,
How is it going? Have you placed yourself first and gone shopping for a dress?  We can't live our lives according to the rules of others.

A great BIG HUG to you....SO SHOPPING
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on January 27, 2011, 04:00:11 pm
Hey SadMom.......
hope you're still with us .....
I have a wedding this year too .....now it looks as if I might go .

The date .....I found on FaceBook .
The Venue ....I found on Facebook .

And that's all I know so far ....so how's that compare with yours ?

Hopefully someone will fill me in soon .but I am the MIL and I am taking a back seat ,I don't want to
make any more waves than I have to now I am actually speaking to my future DIL ..
Happy Days ....lol

Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on January 28, 2011, 09:59:23 am
I hope sadmom comes back and lets us know how things are going.  And HEY DABLACKS!  Glad to see you still lurking around in here too!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 28, 2011, 10:00:21 am
I've been wondering about her, Pooh.

But, maybe if she's not back..it all worked out? I hope so! Still, I do like to be kept in the loop!  ;D
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on January 28, 2011, 10:07:46 am
Me either!  ;D  It's kind of ironic.  People come in here because of issues and sometimes just disappear.  Like you said, I hope that means that they don't need this forum any longer, but at the same time, you wish they would come back.

Some of us are like stinky cheese.....we just hang around.....hee hee
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on January 28, 2011, 10:12:17 am
Do we get to pick which stinky cheese we are? I'm addicted to gjetost right now, which isn't very stinky. But I capital L love St. Andre from TJ's. It kinda does stink.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 28, 2011, 10:12:52 am
Fontina here...a nice nutty flavor.  ;)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on January 28, 2011, 10:24:09 am
I caught myself holding the can of Kraft's Parmesan cheese to my face last night.. dh walked in and asked if I was serving spaghetti to go with that.  He said I ended up looking like a coke head gone bad. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on January 28, 2011, 10:28:39 am
Guess I will take Limberger then  ;D
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on January 28, 2011, 10:45:18 am
Ummmmmm...Limberger... :-*
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: ladyfirstdilsecond on January 29, 2011, 05:00:25 am
Sadmom--
I'm not attacking, but I am honestly asking.  Have you or your husband ever had any sort of verbal argument with your DIL or your DS involving your DIL?  Has it even been small comments about her/them or let your DS know your opinions about her?  As a recent bride, I can tell you that my DH (and even when he was my BF) told me everything his mother said to him about me--and some of them sounded innocent enough until she said them many times.  It was clear, to me, that she didn't care much for me because she felt I was never going to be accepted into her family.  She actually told him that he needed to "put me in my place" by any means necessary, so she could do what she felt was right.  I'm not accusing you of doing anything like this, but truly and honestly sit down and think about anything that you or your husband may have said that may have come across as harsh or demeaning.  If you think of anything, that might explain why she wouldn't want you planning the wedding.

Please try to remember that young women now are bombarded with "WEDDING!" since they are young children, and most ladies have their ideal wedding planned in their heads long before they meet the groom.  Traditionally, the bride's family plans the wedding and many grooms families do feel left out.  It's a part of the process--and it's not fun. 

I ask because when my DH and I got engaged, my then-fiance had been trying to dis-entangle himself from his family for several years--many of which I was not a part of--as he felt his mother and grandmother's "devotion" to family was severely unhealthy and mostly a facade so they could continue to be pillars of the community.  My MIL said time and again that she didn't want to help with the wedding because she felt like nothing we (yes, we, not me--my DH had a huge hand in planning out wedding) had chosen at that point was "good enough" and we ran into her trying to undermine us at every turn (ie: the day she called the reception venue to tell them that we had broken off our engagement so to cancel our date--none of which was true).  So, eventually, we stopped asking her for her input because everything was met with negativity and undermining.

I don't think your son has been brainwashed or, as some ladies have stated, "declared war".  (That's inflammatory, IMHO and doesn't help you solve the situation.)  My MIL swore up and down we had "planned to exclude her" and wouldn't listen to her son when he told her that it was because of her own negativity.  No bride or groom wants their wedding marred by a negative nelly for months on end.  It seems more likely that your son just doesn't have an opinion about much of the wedding process--alot of younger men don't really care who does what--they just know they need to show up an say "I do".  My DH couldn't have cared less what colors we used, what we ate (as long as it was meat), or how everything worked.  He did have a much larger hand in choosing facilities, tuxes, guest list, etc.

I would sit down with BOTH of them, not just your son as many people suggest, and ask them what is going on.  Trust me on this one--by just asking your son, it will seem like you are undermining your DS's new family.  He has chosen his wife as his family and he will likely feel like you are trying to undermine and cause trouble if you ask just him.  It seems unlikely to me that they would flat-out tell you that you can't invite anybody--a more likely alternative is that they were so excited that they neglected that (among about 200 other) detail.  Perhaps they are just inviting family and if things are $120 a plate, family is enough!  Our wedding was only family and my MIL made up her own invitations to send to her friends and people my DH has never met with no offer to help pay for anything.  She then had to call all those people she invited who were not family to tell them that the couple didn't invite them and that she was sorry.  Don't do what she did...it's a bad idea.   
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on January 29, 2011, 09:33:26 am
There are many ways to look at this. One is that it's their show. Sending love...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on January 29, 2011, 10:20:47 am
Quote from: ladyfirstdilsecond on January 29, 2011, 05:00:25 am
Sadmom--
I'm not attacking, but I am honestly asking.  Have you or your husband ever had any sort of verbal argument with your DIL or your DS involving your DIL?  ..... I'm not accusing you of doing anything like this, but truly and honestly sit down and think about anything that you or your husband may have said that may have come across as harsh or demeaning.  If you think of anything, that might explain why she wouldn't want you planning the wedding.

Please try to remember that young women now are bombarded with "WEDDING!" since they are young children, and most ladies have their ideal wedding planned in their heads long before they meet the groom.  Traditionally, the bride's family plans the wedding and many grooms families do feel left out.  It's a part of the process--and it's not fun. 



Ladyfirst, I know it's hard for a kind and sensitive DIL to comprehend, but many of us MILs here (and don't forget we were once young brides and DILs ourselves) have been suddenly, for no reason, cut off from our sons and DILs. Often it happens before the wedding, many times right after, sometimes with the birth of GC.

My DIL waited until after the wedding, probably because she needed some legal help as well as the groom's family's obligations paid for, to tell DS she hated us for who we were, not for anything we'd done. We had thought all was well since she was charming and accepting during their engagement. She did limit our guest list for the wedding, which should have been a tip-off of things to come, but DS stepped up and insisted that he should get to invite a few relatives and friends. Her FOO was livid, but what could they say? We'd paid for everything required by the groom's side according to today's etiquette.

DIL's FOO has quite a bit more financial resources than we, and planned a lavish affair that was way out of our budget. We had no say in the plans, just wrote the big checks and got cut off immediately thereafter.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on January 29, 2011, 01:55:15 pm
Some DIL 's cut off her IL's to make a statement .
He's mine now !!
Also they don't want any outside influences outwith her control !
I feel my DS is a changed man , I told him doesn't smile any more ...he said '' I know ''.
Rather than delve into things which don't concern me I left it at that . I hope he's going to be happy .
He's a daddy now and about to be married ,he's not allowed to visit on his own ,I was told by DIL we
are    a family unit ,we come together .
I realise that but he's been my son for 32 years ,does that count for anything?
My DIL goes to visit her FOO alone with my GC ,different rules for her .
Hopefully we will get round to discussing the wedding , I did ask if they wanted a contribution ,this was refused .   Makes you wonder what my DIL really wants .....as Laurie said .....fall of the end of the earth.......or swim upriver and drown ...think that was Pen .......
Still waiting for my invite to visit  ....don't hold your breath ...!



Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on January 29, 2011, 03:15:25 pm
As I've said before, if a DH kept his DW from her FOO it would be considered spousal abuse. In fact, it's one of the signs professionals use when evaluating if abuse has occurred - is the victim cut off from family and friends? Etc. Why it isn't thought of as abuse when it's the other way 'round is beyond me.

LL, at least they didn't allow you to spend, spend, spend before telling you your new rules! My analogy was that we were now to "swim upstream and die" since, like salmon, we'd done our spawning of DS and that was all we were good for. I am so glad I wore something fabulous to the wedding and had a good time with our friends and relatives, the few that were allowed to come. DS insisted on a groom-mom dance, which probably didn't help, but I was glad he did. I'd be really bitter now if I'd worn some ugly MOTG monstrosity and played the role of old bat wallflower.

I'm still waiting for that invite, too. It's been more than a couple of years.

And yes, the rules are not equal for all, and I've yet to hear a rational reason why not. I have a suspicion that if we had different rules for DS vs DIL, perhaps regarding the amount of money we spent on their gifts, we would be chastised and vilified. Instead, DH & I take the high road and spend equally. When we've gotten cheap, heinous gifts from DIL we thank her and move on.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 29, 2011, 03:26:20 pm
Pen,

I think you and I have the same rules/taste in gift giving. I know it is the thought that counts, but some of the gifts I get scream, "I didn't think much of you..."

Are you sure you and DIL just don't come from two different backgrounds when it comes to buying gifts? I've been trying to flip a negative into a positive, and it seems to have helped me let MIL off the hook for some of the things I perceive as slights. I've noticed now that DD os hear that MIL doesn't put any thought into gifts she gets anyone, not just me. It has been a lot easier to take.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on January 29, 2011, 03:26:40 pm
How sad to reflect on cheap, heinous gifts and see the effort that went into their selection.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on January 29, 2011, 03:55:08 pm
What gifts? I've never received a gift from  my future dil .! I've given plenty , but none in return .in.fact I've only.just realised that fact ......hmmm !
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on January 29, 2011, 03:59:46 pm
LL, it might be a blessing in disguise  :-\     I do think you need to stop. She's trying to tell you something. Spend that cash on yourself! I'm sure you can think of something fabulous...

Holliberri, if only it were true that DIL was from a different background. Alas, she has excellent taste & plenty of money. But it wasn't the amount of money spent, it was the lack of effort or thought. She bragged about she & FOO hitting the sales, and I have a feeling she grabbed any old thing just to cross me off the list. That year I spent big bucks on something DS assured me she'd love, but this year I scaled waaaayyy back. Still thought of her, but didn't spend so much.

I'm not a high-maintenance gal, and I don't have a calculator going in my head when I'm given a gift. I love handmade gifts, pretty rocks, jars of jam, a box of tea, for example. DIL's gift was definitely a way to show how little she thought of me.

Sorry I high-jacked the topic, but talking about how the rules are different for everyone reminded me of this. I'm all better now :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 29, 2011, 04:11:24 pm
Let's start shopping for each other instead!

I'm in the process of making a quilt for MIL...it's kind of ornate and with school, work and baby, I am on year 2 of it! I scrambled to find her a vintage doll (a specific kind) I thought she would love. Found it! I gave it to her..."Heh," was the response.

My gifts? A cookbook with a nice handwritten note from her friend to HER. And...a bracelet in a box with a red square on the outer edges. I held it up to the light when I noticed a black marker line next to the top line of the red square...sure enough...it was from a friend of hers...to HER. I got a big song and dance about how she spent a long time looking for these and she thought they were just my style. So I can add a nice insult to my intelligence on top of the lovely gifts. I can only laugh about it...so I do appreciate the humor in it all!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 29, 2011, 04:12:43 pm
And LL...stop buying her gifts. I don't think you need to do anymore.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on January 29, 2011, 04:29:41 pm
Holliberri, that's actually pretty funny. Do they think we're morons? That we'll never figure it out? SM is a famous re-gifter, but only to me and my DDD. She even re-gifts to us things we give her!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 29, 2011, 06:39:56 pm
Regifting is okay as long as you know the person will LOVE it (and I mean absolutely love it, just what they've been looking for), AND you absolutely have to be honest about it. Other than that, it's atrocious, and totally inappropriate for family members, whether by blood or marriage. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on January 29, 2011, 07:07:17 pm
I'd give her back the cookbook on her birthday with a smile and a story
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 29, 2011, 07:10:32 pm
Oh, in my dreams...in my dreams...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on January 29, 2011, 07:49:32 pm
;D ;D ;D Oh, Laurie! ROTFL  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on January 30, 2011, 03:00:58 am
OMG!! to funny,I have not re-gifted,but I have recieved odd things from mil,one year she had bought her daughters all these cute crafts and I got a toilet seat!! she pushed(GUILTED) us into buying the family home,she bought it but never got around to putting it on...so guess who got it for christmas,ME!! lol oh I could go on and on how she made my life unpleasant~once i got out of the shower and she was ripping up my flowers planting her own,I called dh and he said leave her alone and let her,if thats what makes her happy,once again I said oh I had not planned on planting those,I was told oh,well I had so enjoy your gift!! lol
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on January 30, 2011, 08:57:34 am
Quote from: penelope on January 30, 2011, 03:00:58 am
OMG!! to funny,I have not re-gifted,but I have recieved odd things from mil,one year she had bought her daughters all these cute crafts and I got a toilet seat!! she pushed(GUILTED) us into buying the family home,she bought it but never got around to putting it on...so guess who got it for christmas,ME!!

We use to take photos of ourselves enjoying the gifts received.. the kids would be bundled up in their new scarfs, holding the new cd, or holding a sign that said Thank You Grandma... I'd be so tempted to do that with your very lovely thoughtful toilet seat.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on January 30, 2011, 10:12:23 am
Seasage,

I think it works wonderful as a joke; I can see that...I complained about how much I couldn't stand this thing so often to you, that now I'm going to give it to you...I probably would do something like that, but I'd have an explanation. And, I really have no problem with it as long as you're up front about it.

You might need an Excel sheet of your regifts to prevent regifting twice. Or, since it's a joke, not at all. DH and I have a rule about stocking stuffers: they can only be something that is from inside the house. During the less creative years, there are always repeat gifts. Like, I gave him the pen from our hotel suite when we got married 3 times, and he keeps giving me a box of matches from Prague. It's a really nice way to talk about all of our memories; I don't mind talking about them a few years in a row!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on January 30, 2011, 10:37:01 am
Quote from: Laurie on January 30, 2011, 08:57:34 am
Quote from: penelope on January 30, 2011, 03:00:58 am
OMG!! to funny,I have not re-gifted,but I have recieved odd things from mil,one year she had bought her daughters all these cute crafts and I got a toilet seat!! she pushed(GUILTED) us into buying the family home,she bought it but never got around to putting it on...so guess who got it for christmas,ME!!

We use to take photos of ourselves enjoying the gifts received.. the kids would be bundled up in their new scarfs, holding the new cd, or holding a sign that said Thank You Grandma... I'd be so tempted to do that with your very lovely thoughtful toilet seat.


Good one, Laurie. The next time I need to zing someone back, I'm calling on you.

Penelope, you win first place in the "worst regifts contest." Unbelievable.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on January 30, 2011, 11:29:00 am
I used to re-gift occasionally. I put a sticky note on stuff so I wouldn't send it back to the same person!  :o
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on January 30, 2011, 01:30:17 pm
Pen is it considered regifting tho:b she bought it for herself with the intentions of fixing the toilet,just never got around to it!! she bought dh a bracelet once with a big silver plate that had his full name ingraved on it,on the front not underneath...he was around 35 yrs old:) lol when he opened it we were all like ooohhhhh:) and she insisted all her gifts come with the reciept~
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Mariatobe on January 30, 2011, 04:18:48 pm
Please go to the wedding.  You will regret it for the rest of your life if you alienate your son.  They just want to invite their friends, not yours.  That's okay.  Enjoy the day, and give them money and don't make waves.  Your son will come to you.  If you don't go, you won't see them for holidays and everything else, and it will only get worse.  I know its hard to step back, but you have to.  I'm not trying to sound harsh, but its THEIR day, not yours.  That's how they want to do it.  Let it be, go, and try to have a good time and just be gracious.  That's all you can do.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on January 30, 2011, 05:26:09 pm
I would go just please myself, knowing the future is a big question mark. It's their show. Of course, tomorrow, I might vote for contributing nothing and taking a cruise instead. Sending love...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on January 30, 2011, 07:26:41 pm
Quote from: penelope on January 30, 2011, 01:30:17 pm
Pen is it considered regifting tho:b she bought it for herself with the intentions of fixing the toilet,just never got around to it!! she bought dh a bracelet once with a big silver plate that had his full name ingraved on it,on the front not underneath...he was around 35 yrs old:) lol when he opened it we were all like ooohhhhh:) and she insisted all her gifts come with the reciept~


Oh, sorry, you win the "worst GIFTS contest!"
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on January 31, 2011, 02:23:24 am
sadsadmom~I think you should go to,buy yourself something nice to wear~I think guest may ask where's his side of the family,and then they'll have to answer being force to hopefully see how they acted~Honestly,I kinda treated my sons wedding as a funeral,I wore almost all black,which in my defense I wear alot of black...after the wedding there was a party at her grandpas house,when I left I was very intoxicated:b Thanked everyone outloud for having us over and walked out,didn't even hug the happy couple goodbye,at the time I felt it was the right thing to do,but looking back,maybe not so much~just becouse we weren't exactly welcomed with open arms didn't mean I had to act like a little kid,go,hold your head up high and say to yourself " I know you think my son is wonderful,well,I raised him,therefore...I'm wonderful~your loss"..think about it,who's gonna look bad,the Parents that showed up? or the ones who did the guest list? hopefully your son will wake up~BIG HUGS~
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 01, 2011, 01:09:30 pm
Speaking of re-gifting, I took an elephant gift to a party one year, about 6 years ago.  Last year I got an elephant gift at another party, and guess what?  Yep, it was the same one I had taken lo those 6 years ago.  What are the odds?
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 01, 2011, 01:35:37 pm
Quote from: penelope on January 31, 2011, 02:23:24 am
.think about it,who's gonna look bad,the Parents that showed up? or the ones who did the guest list? hopefully your son will wake up~BIG HUGS~


I agree as long as if you show up, you are very gracious and have a great attitude.  If you're a parent that shows up and acts like a complete sourpuss, who sits by yourself all night and doesn't even attempt to socialize, or doesn't tell the happy couple congratulations and MEAN it, you'll still look like the bad guy.  Just trying to be honest here.  My MIL attended my wedding but made it a point to display how unhappy she was.  Everytime I look at my wedding pictures, it is just a reminder.  Family pictures with me in them- her face was like this :-\  Family pictures with just her and my DH, her face turned into  :D.  The transformation was amazing, LOL!  Also, my parents paid for everything and we gave them half the guest list, they never said thank you.  They kept to themselves the whole night and just kind of whispered to each other.  At the time, I really could not have cared less because I was having a great time!  But other people always notice their behavior and comment to me about it.  Then of course, when I got the photographer's pictures back, my DH and I had a good laugh about the look on MIL's face, I laugh about it, but it really isn't funny to me deep down.

Anyway, just wanted to make the point that if you're going to show up, you have to make sure to have a good attitude about it, otherwise there's no point in going and it really will just exacerbate the situation.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 01, 2011, 03:31:50 pm
I'll be going to my son's wedding ,even though I know nothing about it .
Date and place at the moment , but I love him to bits and couldn't not be there on his day .
Sadmom:
He's going to marry her anyway whether you go or not .....so put on a happy face for your boy , otherwise all he'll remember would be his mom spoiling his day .
Remember no beige for a dowdy MOTG .....you gotta sparkle and smile ,he'll love you for it . :-*
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on February 02, 2011, 05:30:58 am
overwhelmed is right,show up and have fun~I didn't wanna be there,but I didn't sit alone sulking,just the opposite,I was all smiles and laughing,in all the photos dil looked mad,but she looks like that in all photos we noticed~knowing she told my in-laws months prior she didn't wanna get married and felt pressured,then changed story when it was addressed was in the back of my mind~so knowing from my own experiance,leave the bad thoughts at the door:) when I say my sons wedding, ppl think WEDDING,but there were no decorations,no wedding cake,her side didn't even really dress up,it was more like a luncheon and garage party after,why it cost me so much is odd, the photographer was her moms friend,the ceremony itself has no pics of our family in them,just my ds,the ones we have we took,my sons were bummed along with his buddy,they had gotten Italian suites and was geeked about dressing up:) her gf did drop off a few cd's for us,he's a super nice guy~I hope you get to go and look stunning and have a nice time~theres no reason why you can't meet and mingle with her family,you may end up leaving with fond memories and new friendships~
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 02, 2011, 01:15:50 pm
Kind of wish sadsadmom would come back and tell us how everything is working out.  My DIL is beginning to like me better now.  I don't work, her mom does.  She's starting to figure out that I'll watch the baby when she needs to go running around and I'll even drive to their house, or she can bring the baby here.  Suddenly she's looking at me with a bit more "love" in her eyes!!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on February 02, 2011, 01:35:19 pm
Appreciation?  :) :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 02, 2011, 01:47:49 pm
Yeah, you're right Luise, the word is "appreciation."  Still have a long ways to go before love.  I always sign off on my emails, Love, XXXXX, but she never does.  She'll just sign her name at the bottom.  Oh well! 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 02, 2011, 02:40:21 pm
I typically don't even sign my name to emails unless it's business oriented ... You should be pleased that she is sending you emails..  nice ones :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: elsieshaye on February 03, 2011, 08:03:13 am
Quote from: stilltryen on February 02, 2011, 01:47:49 pm
I always sign off on my emails, Love, XXXXX, but she never does.  She'll just sign her name at the bottom.  Oh well!


I never sign my emails "love," even to my son.  It's just not me.  It doesn't mean I don't love the people I'm talking to.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 08:09:03 am
I never did either, and now...I sign them like that, just to MIL. She thought I was insensitive for not signing like that, so I do it just to play nice. It's contrived.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 11:32:32 am
No, I don't really care if she signs "love" or not, it's no big deal.  Our family is big and expressive and we always say "love."  I do it mostly so that she can never whine to DS that I treat her differently.  She kind of does that at times.  For example:

The whole family always gets together for holiday dinners.  At Thanksgiving, I asked all the grandkids to take a shot with their grandparents, my folks.  DIL was pregnant at the time and immediately started walking away.  I said, "No, you need to be in the photo."  She replied, "Oh?  You've never asked me to be in pictures with your parents before, or is it because I'm pregnant now with your grandbaby?"  We all rolled our eyes.  The following day, I emailed her photos from past holidays where, oh, guess what?  She was in all the photos with my parents and the grandchildren.  I sent them on to her, along with a nice email that said something to the effect of how I was sharing some past holiday photos with her.  She asked my son why I had done that and my son asked to look at them.  Then he said, "Oh, look!  You're in all the photos with my grandparents, didn't you say that you'd been excluded in past years?  Was that a 'hormonal baby coming' moment?"

Love my son!  He gets it and will point things out - and he gives her an out, if she wants it.  Message sent, message received.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 11:43:00 am
StillTryen,

It sounds like your DS is impressively straddling the fence!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 11:46:03 am
DS is wonderful.  He is very level headed and pragmatic.  He gets it that women are over the top emotional at times and he's learned to deal with it.  He never lets her get away with stuff, but has no problem telling me when he thinks I'm not acting correctly either.  Mostly, since they live about a half hour away, we get along just fine.  There are still moments, but as I posted earlier, DIL realizes that since I don't work, and I'm more than happy to watch the baby, that she's pretty much got it made. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 11:48:04 am
My daycare is $1200/mth and double if you have two. She does have it made. :/

Did DS have sisters? I'm wondering where he picked this up from. (Of course, he HAD to learn it from a sister!).
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 03, 2011, 11:53:56 am
I got stuck on the 1200 a month.. are you kidding... really ... for one kid.. wow
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 12:01:45 pm
Yeah. It's a crime. Really. I keep telling myself how good it is that DD's getting socialized and it's somehow worth it.  That's on the cheap end of the scale.

I used to say, "I already pay taxes...I'll never pay for private school." And now, here I am...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 02:23:08 pm
Quote from: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 11:48:04 am
Did DS have sisters? I'm wondering where he picked this up from. (Of course, he HAD to learn it from a sister!).


Nope, I had two sons - no daughters. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 02:33:00 pm
Quote from: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 11:48:04 am
My daycare is $1200/mth and double if you have two. She does have it made. :/


Ooops, didn't address this one.  Yeah, I told them that I would watch the baby when DIL goes back to work.  (She's off for 3 or 4 months right now, staying home with the baby, and she already says it's driving her nuts, but she hates her job, so doesn't want to go back to work either.)  At any rate, the other night DS says that DIL wants me to watch the baby on Mondays, she'll be at the daycare on Tuesday-Thursday and her mom (who has Fridays off) will watch her on Friday.  I said, "Are you nuts?  One of the reasons I was volunteering to watch the baby was so that you two wouldn't have to put out so much money for the daycare.  Besides, she's a little baby, you honestly think that putting her in a daycare is going to be better for her than someone who loves her?"  He was hemming and hawing, saying the daycare came highly recommended, etc., etc. and then came the kicker, evidently DIL thinks that if I watch the baby all week, the baby will get more attached to me than to HER mother.  I told him that I thought that was the height of stupidity and if they were going to do that, to go ahead and put her in daycare all week.  I said I would rescind my offer and they could just put out the $$$$$$ to satisfy DIL.  The subject hasn't been brought up again, but I'm sure I argued enough that my son will think two or three times about it before making a final decision.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 03, 2011, 03:23:40 pm
QuoteI told him that I thought that was the height of stupidity and if they were going to do that, to go ahead and put her in daycare all week.  I said I would rescind my offer and they could just put out the $$$$$$ to satisfy DIL.  The subject hasn't been brought up again, but I'm sure I argued enough that my son will think two or three times about it before making a final decision.


This might go under the topic that Pooh started on things I probably shouldn't have said :)  These are entirely silly unfounded reasons... it would have been more logical if they were doing it because they thought that to many days would be taxing.  I use to watch a little boy for a working mom.. he had a birthday party and I was invited so I went.. when the little boy got hurt he by passed his mom and grandmother and came to me.. that was the last time I was ever asked to watch him.. they acted like I had turned him against them.. when all he knew at that moment was that I had a safe lap.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 03:27:47 pm
I'd still want DD in daycare part of the week, but only so she can socialize with other babies. But 3 days a week should be part time...600 bucks/mth is still a walk in the park compared to what I pay. Not realy worried about attachment issues though...as long as she likes me best! ;)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 03, 2011, 04:07:22 pm
I don't know if babies really need other babies to learn socialization.  But that is also coming from a mother who never used daycare.  When my dd entered pre-school it was obvious which kids had been in day care and which had not.  Now 23 years later, you can't tell by their achievements which had done what as a baby.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 04:38:36 pm
Well, either way, I can't and neither could any of her GPs given her access to other children, which is what I wanted her to have.

Also, it may save me a lot of trouble when she starts school. She'll already be used to a structured, public environment. I sobbed and kicked and screamed for the entire year of preschool. My mom's lucky I didn't know about home schooling then. I just wanted to be with her. Dd ges to daycare and there's no doubt she's happy there, and she gets excited seeing the other babies. It has advantages as well as disadvantages.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on February 03, 2011, 05:04:42 pm
WOW!! 1200 a month,I use to have an in-home daycare,shut it down becouse I had an in-ground pool,my homeowners would not cover~and I worked in daycare, when I didn't do that I worked nights so my ds's were never in one,but...I think the interaction with the other kids is good,I seen alot of kids get picked up,taken home,fed and put to bed..so the only mental stimulation was daycare:) I always got mad when moms dropped them off on days off to go shopping,one mom dropped kids off,went back home and planted flowers,her ds had anger issues,poor kid. Holliberry,does that include meals? I miss the little ones,but as I get older,I have a short attention span:b I drove school bus to,at first I was scared of the high schoolers,turned out it's the elementary one's you gotta be affraid of!! lol
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 03, 2011, 06:05:19 pm
No matter what childcare decisions we make (less income, no daycare vs. more income, daycare), or whether they're based on necessity or desire (feed the family or buy new Jaguar), we'll hear about it later. I chose NOT to work when my kids were little. We struggled, but I think I made the right choice. Now DS is blinded by bling and may be telling DIL I was a lazy, stay-at-home mom rather than a high paycheck career woman. Who knows? Maybe one day he'll understand.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on February 03, 2011, 06:13:05 pm
I waitressed,so it wasn't bling money status:b found out wouldn't get rich working for dh either!!! hahaha so stay-at-home mom now,best part,kids are all grown,I am home with 3 very spoiled dogs..and live simple....for now:) all funds are tied up into retirement,if all goes as planned,someday I'll be sitten on the beach,kids can visit or not:) lol
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 09:19:48 pm
My oldest son never went to a daycare, between me, hubby and parents, he was always watched at home.  However, we had loads of kids in the neighborhood and I was the only mom who worked during the day.  My folks would come to my house to watch him and he socialized with all the neighborhood children.  The youngest was watched at home until we moved several states away.  He was put in a daycare at age 4, but was only there 5 hours a day - and the next year, only about an hour after school.  (He had morning kindergarten).  Both turned out just fine.  So, really, I have no issues putting children in daycare, but I do with putting a 3 month old baby in there.  I simply don't think the caregivers would have enough time to really hold the baby and interact as much as I would.  The baby would certainly not get the love, attention and care that I would give her, and as I mentioned, I'm sure that the extra $$$$ could go to some other place, finish paying college loans, finish paying a vehicle off, etc.

That being said, I can only offer, I can give my advice, but, in the end, it's their decision.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 03:52:38 am
Quote from: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 09:19:48 pm
I have no issues putting children in daycare, but I do with putting a 3 month old baby in there.  I simply don't think the caregivers would have enough time to really hold the baby and interact as much as I would.  The baby would certainly not get the love, attention and care that I would give her.


My DD is held, loved and cared for just fine, both by her daycare providers and me and DH...as much as any other baby out there, and she's been in daycare since she was 2 months old. I had qualms about it at first, but I have no doubts about my decision. If I had the option of part time dayare, I would've done that, but DH needed my help with the bills. Now that I have seen how well she's doing-I wouldn't change a thing. It's been the best thing for her.

Believe me, no way is better than another. My DD gets all the attention in the world, is very well adjusted, has met all of her milestones, and hasn't even been sick with the exception of a cold.

The money is a different story, but I don't think a daycare with 3 babies per caregiver (2 caregives, 6 babies), is going to give a baby any less attention than me when I have cleaning, cooking and shopping to do.

My MIL repeatedly voiced her "concern" over daycare. Her issue with the daycare has added to our problems, which doesn't make sense b/c she lives like 10 states away and can't offer caregiving for me. She FINALLY saw the benefit of it when SIL tool her 2 yo to daycare for the first time and he finally slept through the night. Apparently SIL wasn't giving him enough stimulation during the day (grain of salt b/c this is what my MIL said), and made a passing comment that the boy should've been in daycare all along. I'll take that as all the pat on the back I will get from her, even if it is a kick to my SIL the same. The truth is, she has no idea. She's never seen my daycare, she doesn't know my DD, and doesn't really know how our needs can best be met.

Each choice has just as many pluses and minuses as the other. There are single moms out there doing just fine that have no option of outside help, that have no choice but to put their children in daycare. They're certainly not putting their kids at any disadvantage because of that, and I have no doubts that their children are loved, get lots of attention and care.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 06:35:01 am
Both of my boys were in day-care because I worked full-time.  I did move them from one to another, because I could tell how unhappy they were at the first one.  After dropping in a couple of times in the middle of the day, I saw how little interaction they were getting there and moved them to a different one that was recommended.  They were great with them and the boys loved it there.

If my Mom didn't work and could have watched them, I would have taken her up on it though.  But honestly, it would have been to save the money because there wasn't anything wrong with the day-care they were in.  Now, my Mom is the type that would have taken them places.  Parks, Zoos, Aquarium...etc.  So I think even with her watching them, they would have had interaction with other children. 

My #1 choice would have been to stay home with them.  But it wasn't because I thought day-care was bad, just because I would have liked to have been with them more.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 06:38:22 am
Quote from: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 06:35:01 am

My #1 choice would have been to stay home with them.  But it wasn't because I thought day-care was bad, just because I would have liked to have been with them more.


Haha. I drop in early and often.  ;D I think if your daycare is lacking, there are signs. Parents just know.

I would love to stay home too, but I have to admit, it's for my own selfish reasons than of any thing my DD might've been missing out on. Plus, after bills, daycare, and other things, my job does leave a little left over for fun things like Gymboree, the zoo and the aquarium. We're taking her to a car show this weekend though...mom and dad gotta have some fun too! Plus, I think DH wants to get her started on engines early.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 06:50:37 am
I was working just to pay the bills cause my Ex wasn't very good about keeping a job for long.  But even if I had bunches of money, I too would have stayed home for selfish reasons. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on February 04, 2011, 06:55:02 am
aww~gotta love a girl who knows cars~as years went by we realized it was costing me more to work,my money went to eating out alot,I worked alot of different shifts,that and the cost of gas for my truck,there was no extra,being paid daily meant I spent it daily,and you can't budget as you never know what you'll make,as soon as my dh made his last payment on the store I was able to stay home,we don't pull 1 penny out of there,I guess the first 5 to 7 years it all goes back into it,we have learned to live very simple:) and it seems like we can do more now than ever..weird
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 04, 2011, 07:08:15 am
With a disabled kid it was hard to find reliable care. I stayed home for the first years with her & DS. Once she was in school, DS was raring to go as well, so he was in part-time daycare while I worked, and I've worked ever since. I remember daycare issues being the most stressful part of working...even if the care provider is fabulous what do you do when the child is ill? It was often a struggle. DDD was a challenge and we'd lose sitter after sitter, I could never rely on anyone. I worked because we needed my income, but it would have been much easier to stay home. I really loved being with my kids.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 07:16:36 am
Pen,

I thankfully haven't had DD with a fever or vomiting yet, so I'm one of the fortunate few. But, I'm going to have to buck up and part with my leave that I've accrued once it happens. I get unlimited sick time, so I never take a sick day for that reason. My sick days are to be used for sick baby days.

It's never 100% easy, is it?
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: RedRose on February 04, 2011, 07:23:25 am
Quote from: stilltryen on February 03, 2011, 09:19:48 pm
I have no issues putting children in daycare, but I do with putting a 3 month old baby in there.  I simply don't think the caregivers would have enough time to really hold the baby and interact as much as I would.  The baby would certainly not get the love, attention and care that I would give her, and as I mentioned, I'm sure that the extra $$$$ could go to some other place, finish paying college loans, finish paying a vehicle off, etc.



I agree....I have been watching my grandson (now 4 1/2 Months old) 2 days a week and my daughter's MIL has him 3 days. This arrangement works out great.

This baby gets a lot love and care from both sets of grandparents. Nothing Better.


Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 07:35:15 am
There's probably nothing better for you, and since your DS and DIL decided that works for them, they obviously agree with that. But that doesn't work for everyone; and that might not work for StillTryen's DS and DIL.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: RedRose on February 04, 2011, 07:49:54 am
No, it doesn't always work...but there is still nothing better.
My daughter and son-il have chosen to share the care of their son and they are very happy with this decision.
My daughter has told me they feel less stress because they know he is loved very much.

IMHO
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 08:09:50 am
I don't know, those ladies at the daycare love all of those babies. I think that's why they do what they do. They've taken the stress of being away from her as well. My mom babysits when they're closed, and it seems the same to me...worry-wise. 

**Edited b/c I think I'll probably be biased if I'm available to watch my GKs one day.  :D
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 04, 2011, 10:55:36 am
You're all right ladies, there is no easy answer to the daycare dilemma.  Some daycares are great, as I noted, I had my youngest son in daycare and it worked out.  The daycare was close to our home and I popped in several times to make sure everything was okay.  If you find one that is good, that's a relief.  However, as some of you noted, there is the part where you need to find an alternative if the child is sick.  It can also be expensive.  I was in heaven when my parents watched my children.  I never worried about them being sick, they watched them at my house, I never had to bundle them out and take them anywhere (and those winters were snowy and cold), it was the best of all worlds and I can never thank my parents enough for being there.  In a way, I felt I had cloned myself and I was staying home with them.

In my case, the positives are:  I live on their way to work, so it'll take, perhaps, an extra 15 minutes for them to drop her off.  I'll watch (and love and care) for her way more than any daycare provider.  Yes, I'm also the kind of grandma who will take her places, to the park, etc.  I can even set her up in her own room, so she'll have a room at my house.  (Good-bye guest room!)  If you put a child in a day care, you pay no matter what.  So if your kid is sick on Thursday and Friday, you don't get a discount for those two days because you stayed home to watch the kid.  If, for any reason, she's sick, has been up all night, etc., I'll drive down there to watch her so they don't have to bring here.  Best of all, I'm free!  And DIL has admitted the only issue she has with all this is that the baby will get more attached to me than to HER mother.  I'm thinking, "Isn't this about the baby?"  And I'm not doing this because I want to interfere with their lives or anything else.  Tying yourself down by watching a baby is a big commitment and the only reason I'm offering is because they're family, I love them and I truly want to help.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 04, 2011, 11:05:09 am
StillTryen,

Please don't think you had to sell your qualities to me. I really do hope it works out. I'm assuming DIL probaby thinks that if the baby is sick or the daycare is on holiday, that you'll be available as well. Like I said, if I could I either would have a.) stayed home (more for me, again); or 2.) had a split daycare thing going with the GPs. Things don't always work out like we want. I just happened to fall in love with the way my situation worked out...even though I thought it was crappy at the time.

I think she has a silly reason for not wanting to go that route. Socialization? Sure. School-type environment? Okay. Attachment issues?  ::)  You're welcome to use my daycare as an example: DD spends A LOT of hours with those ladies, somehow...she still knows I'm her mom. I also remember love/attachment was easier to define in equal amounts for me when I was little, no matter how much time I spent with who.

Someone asked up post if my daycare covered food: NO.  :(

Plus, I know it's a lot to ask of  GP. They give up their retirement/not working time and likely already had a schedule of their own nailed down. My mom is of the type that sick days are great, so are holidays, but everyday or a few days a week? Forget it. I'm not sure that would be an option, even if she didn't work.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 04, 2011, 11:12:01 am
If ever I'm allowed ......I would love to be able to look after my GD .....even for a few hours !
Just because I love her sooo much ...!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 04, 2011, 11:52:55 am
Stilltryen, I just had a thought (groan now...here she goes again)   Do you think that perhaps DIL's Mom has maybe said something to her about being afraid that the GC will get more attached to you?  And that DIL is trying to make her Mom feel better about it and thought that by one day with you, one day with her Mom and the rest at day-care, this would resolve her Mom's fears?  That she thought this would be fair to everyone involved?

I have no idea if thats even remotely true...was just a thought?
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 04, 2011, 12:03:34 pm
Pooh, I don't know about DIL's mom.  Her mom is absolutely beautiful.  She honestly looks like her sister more than her mom.  (Bit of history, the mom got pregnant with DIL right out of high school, so she's quite a bit younger than I am.)  Her mom is quite a powerhouse at her company and, while she loves her daughter and the granddaughter, she's not going to stop working for a while.  She is a very nice woman, but comes across as an absolute monster if you try and cross her.  (Yeah, had a few run-ins during the wedding portion of this relationship.)  That all being said, she doesn't strike me as the type who would care about the baby being more attached to me, I think she would be more likely to be thrilled that the baby's in good hands.  Something to think about tho.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: JaneF on February 04, 2011, 02:29:16 pm
Mercy, this topic was an eye opener for me. I almost thought I wrote the original post! The comment about losing your son at the altar was interesting. I never thought of my situation like that, but it is that way!@ My DIL and her family controlled all aspects of wedding, we were not even given opportunity to do rehearsal dinner (we were not invited to that anyway). We had a total of MAYBE 10 members of our family at the wedding, the Church was filled with all her FOO relatives and friends. Photos were the same, most all of her friends and family, one or two with DS family. I have never been given a copy of even one wedding photo, I have only what I took on my little camera. Things have not changed since that day either, we are excluded from all holidays and events..DIL's FOO gets all of it. I used to get so upset by these things, but now I just let it go. My son has been "removed" from his families lives, and so have his children. DIL has been trying to accomplish this for a dozen years...she got it done. No, I never did anything bad to DIL or said anything. Her entire family is like this, it is a pattern. He has to do as she wants even if he is not happy. His choice, he is a big boy! I refuse to pout or be unhappy forever, it won't change a thing. I enjoy other grandkids, I have friends, and a great job, and a very dear husband...life is good!!!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 04, 2011, 02:48:21 pm
I will never understand why DIL want to separate her DH from his family , my f/DIL was well on the way to accomplishing this ,when the rest of my family jumped in .
they didn't want their brother removed from their family .As my elder DS is going to be best man at their wedding ,he has more or less made sure we are included more in the wedding plans .
I had decided to take a back seat and wait to be included ,while he had other plans .
There are two families at this wedding and we are one of them .
Now I am actually looking forward to the wedding ,knowing all my family will be there .My elder DS has taken charge of our side of the family and is organising accommodation etc ..He has insisted that some
of our friends be invited too .
Not a peep from F/DIL .....now if I had tried to initiate any  of this ,I am sure something would have been said .
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 04, 2011, 03:00:14 pm
Oh, we got to pay for our share of wedding expenses but didn't get to invite more than 8 people. 8! DS insisted that a couple of relatives be allowed to come in addition. There were 70 guests total. And we never got any photos either, luckily I brought a camera (must have had an inkling...) Our DIL's FOO has cut off a lot of their family, so it must be a tradition.

But you're right, JaneF, life is good anyway. I do have a great DH who has gone through this whole thing too and is very supportive. Everyone's healthy, DS is very happy. I like your attitude. Just because this last week has been yucky sad, I know I'll be cheerful again soon, too.

LL, good for DS! I hope you have a great time with your family. Although our side was small in number, we had a great time in spite of the sour looks on the faces of DIL's FOO. Oh, well!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Rose799 on February 04, 2011, 03:21:13 pm
Quote from: Pen on February 04, 2011, 03:00:14 pm
Oh, we got to pay for our share of wedding expenses but didn't get to invite more than 8 people. 8! DS insisted that a couple of relatives be allowed to come in addition. There were 70 guests total. And we never got any photos either, luckily I brought a camera (must have had an inkling...) Our DIL's FOO has cut off a lot of their family, so it must be a tradition.


Is there anyone besides me with a dd who acts this way?   


Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: penelope on February 04, 2011, 03:31:21 pm
Holliberry,I asked about the food,when I had a daycare food was included~now this was 10 years ago,I charged 2.00 an hour:) I worked at one,and she took 1 week off in the summer and the parents still had to pay,and payment was due prior to the week of service and if late a 20 fee was charged per day,this was a in home one~I was shocked she was getting it,I left due to I didn't care for the strickness on the kids.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 04, 2011, 03:45:00 pm
Quote from: Pen on February 04, 2011, 03:00:14 pm
Oh, we got to pay for our share of wedding expenses but didn't get to invite more than 8 people. 8! DS insisted that a couple of relatives be allowed to come in addition. There were 70 guests total. And we never got any photos either, luckily I brought a camera (must have had an inkling...) Our DIL's FOO has cut off a lot of their family, so it must be a tradition.


Sheesh, I'm enough of a stinker that I would have said, "Oh bleep no, if I'm paying for half, I get half the power here."  That would never fly with my hubby either.  My DIL's parents paid for the wedding, we flat told them that we would pay half if they had a small wedding, but no way for the big shindig they wanted.  (I don't even want to speculate how much money they put out.)  To be fair, her parents (who are very wealthy) said, "Nope, don't worry.  We have the money and we want to do this."  Then, to be fair, we didn't say a word about the venues, food, etc. and had absolutely no input.  On the other hand, I didn't give them input into the rehearsal dinner either as we paid for that.  Yes, we did contribute to the wedding tho, we paid for the flowers, the DJ and the limo.

The only complaint I had about the whole thing was that their fancy-dancy overpriced photographer a) pretty much took some crappy photos that MY SON had to fix on photoshop and b) we got about, oh, maybe 5 photos of our family, the hundreds of other photos were all about the bride and her family.  And yes, they did pay for the photographer to come out, but in the long run, the photographer is in business to make money.  He would have made more money from our side of the family had he bothered to take at least a few more of our side.  I certainly don't recommend him to anyone now.  Oh well, water under the bridge.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 10:38:26 am
Quote from: JaneF on February 04, 2011, 02:29:16 pm
Mercy, this topic was an eye opener for me. I almost thought I wrote the original post! The comment about losing your son at the altar was interesting. I never thought of my situation like that, but it is that way!@ My DIL and her family controlled all aspects of wedding, we were not even given opportunity to do rehearsal dinner (we were not invited to that anyway). We had a total of MAYBE 10 members of our family at the wedding, the Church was filled with all her FOO relatives and friends. Photos were the same, most all of her friends and family, one or two with DS family. I have never been given a copy of even one wedding photo, I have only what I took on my little camera. Things have not changed since that day either, we are excluded from all holidays and events..DIL's FOO gets all of it. I used to get so upset by these things, but now I just let it go. My son has been "removed" from his families lives, and so have his children. DIL has been trying to accomplish this for a dozen years...she got it done. No, I never did anything bad to DIL or said anything. Her entire family is like this, it is a pattern. He has to do as she wants even if he is not happy. His choice, he is a big boy! I refuse to pout or be unhappy forever, it won't change a thing. I enjoy other grandkids, I have friends, and a great job, and a very dear husband...life is good!!!


Gosh, this makes me feel like I was an angel DIL through the whole wedding process even though I was disrespected the whole way!  We still gave MIL half the guest list- they got as many invites as my family did.  PLUS, my parents paid for all of it- including their guests.  We didn't ask them for any contribution.  MIL offered to do a rehearsal dinner and we accepted, although I was very direct in that I did not expect her to pay for the rehearsal dinner, especially since this was my H's 2nd wedding and she had already paid for one before, and that technically she really didn't have to and we wouldn't be offended if she didn't.  She insisted and we were grateful.  I told her thank you (sincerely) several times and also sent her a thank you note.  I tried to include her and keep her in the loop with what we were planning- I even invited her to come with me to try on dresses with some of my bridesmaids.  I also asked her for a list of people she'd like me to send announcements to (We had a relatively small wedding- under 100 people) after the wedding for people who weren't close enough to be invited but still would appreciate the news.  It was a hefty list and I printed them out, addressed them, stamped them, and sent them out to all the people she asked me to.  I don't think I ever even got a thank you for that, nor did me or my parents get a thank you for hosting the wedding for her and her family and friends. 

Not to mention we tried to alternate holidays until we realized that wasn't even appreciated by the ILs...I suppose some people are never satisfied.

I feel like the best DIL in the world after reading your post!!!  LOL!  Thanks for the confidence boost, JaneF's DIL!  ;)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 12:03:49 pm
@overwhelmed123 - I was a bit confused about your comment, "I don't think I ever even got a thank you for that, nor did me or my parents get a thank you for hosting the wedding for her family and friends."  What??  I would take exception to this, as I doubt very seriously that you and your family put together a wedding for "her family and friends."  I think you put the wedding on for you and your husband, or am I missing something here?

I never sent a thank you to DIL's parents for the wedding.  They never sent me one for the money we contributed nor for the rehearsal dinner - and I didn't expect one.  That being said, that was very thoughtful of you to send her a thank you card for the rehearsal.  You would get my vote for best DIL ever!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 12:25:37 pm
I probably should have expanded on my point.  They were very adamant to me before we got married that they wanted to be able to invite their friends, since their first DIL did not allow them any guests at the wedding.  Even when they offered to pay for the people they wanted there at his 1st wedding, the DIL refused.  So they were adamant that they get to have their friends there at our wedding.  I mean I think GMIL said to me at one point, "Oh boy, we get to invite who we want to this one!"  There were people they asked us to invite that I did not even know, and DH had not ever met before.  I didn't invite them there for me or my H.  I invited them there because MIL asked us to, and we gave her half the guest list. 

Also, I actually took some of MY college friends off the list to accommodate her friends and extended (definition: very distant) family.  No, it wasn't for me and my H.  That was solely for her and her family so that they could "get to" invite their friends.

I think my point is that my family shelled out tens of thousands of dollars- yes, for my family too, but also for her family and friends to have a good time.  They didn't ask for a contribution and his family didn't offer.  So, honestly, yes, I think a "thank you" was warranted since we let them invite their own friends that THEY wanted to share the day with. 

If everything about the wedding was ONLY about me and my H, more than half the people she invited would not have been on the list and we wouldn't have paid for them, because we didn't even know them.  We will probably never see them again.  They are not relevant to our lives, were certainly not relevant to our wedding, and I feel like my mom and I (we were the ones to plan, budget, and coordinate) were very generous in giving her the amount of people that we did and not asking for anything in return.  Okay, I'm sorry, I take that back.  Obviously I am asking for a "thank you" in return.  I didn't know these people and some of them didn't even make an effort to introduce themselves to me.  My H had to ask, "Who??" when he saw some of the people's names.  But MIL just had to have them at our wedding, knowing it would be on my parents' dime.  Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I don't feel like I am.  I felt like my parents were taken advantage of, and I felt like if it were me, I would have soooo graciously thanked the people who paid for MY guests and MY friends to come eat a free meal and drink unlimited drinks all night. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 12:35:44 pm
Did I sound too harsh there?  I hope not.  I just felt like...I literally gave her free reign of a guest list.  It wasn't DH and me inviting her family and the people in it we were close to.  It was her list to invite people she wanted there- DH and I were hoping it would be only people who would be a part of our lives, but that's not what it ended up being.  And she certainly made sure she took every spot she was offered to take full advantage of the situation.  Just a simple, "Thank you so much for allowing me to invite my friends to this, it meant a lot to me," would have gone a long way.  I hope I haven't offended you.  I get the feeling maybe this isn't how your son's wedding went?  Did they do the inviting or did they give you your own "guest list" to write?  I went out of my way to make sure it was "fair" for everyone since they had so many complaints about his 1st wedding being "unfair."  Yes, it was definitely "fair" in every aspect except who paid for it.  Which I wouldn't have a problem with if I felt like it was at all appreciated.

Of course, all of this probably stems from the fact that my ILs think my parents just have all the money in the world to throw around at whatever they want so they probably saw it as something they were owed since my parents could afford it and they couldn't.  They are very judgmental about my parents and their lifestyle.  Wow, as I'm typing this all I'm realizing why I felt so sensitive to no thank you.  It wasn't the words, but just the showing of appreciation.  We've never gotten that from them with anything- guess when you throw in my parents' hard earned money, it becomes even more sensitive for me.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 07, 2011, 12:38:40 pm
Another happy moment in life that so often turns to drama.  Tens of thousands.. wheww ok we are determinately on a tighter budget for my daughter.

I agree, that the groom's mother should have been gracious enough to have thanked the bride's family for their generosity.  Looking back now I wish that I had sent my dil's parents a 'after-the-wedding' basket.. since they worked their tail ends off.. fun or not it's still work.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on February 07, 2011, 12:40:51 pm
Agh, I know how you feel OW.  I think we are sister in laws.  Does one of our brother in laws do that thing at dinner that everyone is totally repulsed by but no one is able to say anything to him? 

DH and I paid for our wedding and gave in A LOT to MIL's wishes.  It's not the $$ but it's the careless and callous behavior of an entitled person that goes along with it. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 07, 2011, 12:45:27 pm
OW,

Didn't you have a receiving line for everyone to meet you? Also, I thought it was custom for the bridge and groom to go around at the reception and thank everyone for coming.  My relatives still ream me out for not spending a few minutes with them in between dancing.

I never really heard of anyone sending a thank you note to the bridge and groom or to the bride's family. I just googled it, I can't find it in on any etiquette sites. That is quite common for weddings I think, so long as the bride allows...which you did.

While it certainly would've been a thoughtful gesture, I'm not sure many other people would've done that. However, for future reference, I think I will keep that in mind for myself. It'll be an easy way to earn some brownie points.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 07, 2011, 12:46:54 pm
Okay, I can see your point after your second post.  :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 07, 2011, 12:50:11 pm
I can hear what you're saying OW... sometimes when someone is obviously financially more sound, that is taken advantage of.  We were prepared to help with the cost of my ds's wedding when it was a small intimate wedding.. but as it started to mushroom and take on a more luxury affair, I told my son that we had our concerns and limits.  When originally asked about our guest count it was implied that it was really only family and very close friends of my ds's...so that was all I gave a count for.. before long her list had grown along with the venue and the formal dinner.  That was when I stopped making cash offers.  My son asked if we could host the rehearsal dinner which dil wanted held at her grandparents house..so that was easy enough and I gladly did so.  The church was a little lopsided needless to say, but I think my dil had the wedding that she dreamed of.  We stepped up and were very generous with a gift for their new lives together.  I hope everyone was happy with the final results.. no one has really spoken about it again so I'm not sure. :-\
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 12:55:39 pm
And, holli, just to clarify, I didn't even really think they needed to put a pen to the paper and write a thank you note.  Just a "thank you" said to my parents at the reception would have appeased me if it was among one of the few things his family said to mine that night.

We didn't have a receiving line, but we did go around and socialize with everyone after dinner.  Well...everyone who was in the room when we were doing that.  It took us a longgg time but I made sure to hit everyone we could find.  Coincidentally, I think MIL's friends were congregated outside the reception room or something because I couldn't find some of them when we were thanking everyone for coming.  Well, that's partly a joke because obviously I can't speculate on what they were doing but it was hard to go looking for someone when you don't really know who they are anyway.  I promise we definitely did go around though!  MIL also made no attempt to introduce us to anyone we had missed.  I had a smile on my face the whole time we were socializing, too, even though I just wanted to go dance! 

Laurie- that was very generous of you, even rehearsal dinners aren't "mandatory" for parents to pay for these days- I definitely would have sent you a thank you note if I were your DIL! :)  Shoot, I even gave my MIL an out in case she didn't want to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  And yes, it just felt taken advantage of from the very beginning...ie- the smile my GMIL got on her face just assuming they could invite whoever they wanted now that OW's parents were footing the bill!  A little tact goes a long way...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 07, 2011, 01:20:21 pm
I have to admit, I didn't thank DILs parents for the wedding.  But since it was at my Mother's house, we did do the rehearsal dinner, and were never asked to participate in any of the plans, I didn't think about it.  And, I was hurt by the fact that her and her Mother handed out "Thank You" gifts to everyone but me and my Mother.  The bridesmaids I get...but she gave them to the servers, the women from the church that helped decorate, the catorer..everyone but us.  I didn't expect a gift, but I did think she made it obvious that she wasn't including us.  And expecially my Mom as she gave them free run of her house and grounds.

Of course, she was miffed at us for our lack of respect towards her family and friends, so I found out later.  They had a big tent in the back yard and her request for a rehearsal dinner was a cook-out.  Now mind you, she had invited about 50 people to the rehearsal so by the time we got all the sides done and into the tent, we started cooking burgers and hotdogs at the end of rehearsal (And we were not in the rehearsal as she didn't have the Moms walked down, we just sat down on our own).  Me and DH spent over an hour grilling and later I heard she was mad because we didn't come in the tent and socialize...ummm....I was a little busy.  As soon as we finished grilling, people were leaving and we sat down to eat.

And the next day, during the reception, it had turned off to 40 degrees with a wind chill of 30.  When we arrived in the tent, all the tables were full, so me and DH, my Mother, my best friend and YS went in the house to eat.  Once we were done, we came out to the tent and stood around watching the cake cutting, socializing and everything.  We spent the rest of the reception in there, but she said later we didn't eat in there because we didn't want to be around her and her family.

Now, the admittance part.  No, I was not overly friendly at the rehearsal or wedding except to my side and friends, because my Ex was there with his new girl and all her family were around them.  This was the first time that my Mother and real Father had been in the same place in 40 years, so I was a little anxious and watching them most of the time in case I had to usher someone out.  This was my Son's worst nightmare that something would happen, so I had made him a promise that I would take care of anything.  So I was not rude, but I was not overly friendly.

Now hindsight.  I could have probably hired or talked someone into grilling during the rehearsal dinner if I would have known she would have felt that way.  I guess we could have stood and ate in the tent during the reception.  But I couldn't do more than I did about being friendly to my Ex and his family.  This was just 4 months after our divorce and the first time I had been in the same place with him since he walked out.  And I will never be interested in talking to the "other woman".  The best I could do was be civil and respectful.

Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 07, 2011, 01:27:53 pm
In my book, Pooh...there should've been enough chairs for you. Just sayin'.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 07, 2011, 01:28:58 pm
Quote from: Pooh on February 07, 2011, 01:20:21 pm
But I couldn't do more than I did about being friendly to my Ex and his family.  This was just 4 months after our divorce and the first time I had been in the same place with him since he walked out.  And I will never be interested in talking to the "other woman".  The best I could do was be civil and respectful.


How did you keep from using the cake knife to slit his throat.  Only 4 months that would have been tough.

And your mother should have been singled out and thanked for opening up her home to everyone.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 01:29:40 pm
overwhelmed, yeah, a bit of background helped.  I think I would have said to your IL's, you are more than welcome to invite anyone you want, up to XX amount of guests.  Period.  We got to invite 50 guests, her parents invited 50 guests and DIL & DS invted 50 guests.  I couldn't even invite more if I wanted to pay for them, the venue would only accomodate 150, so that was the end of the subject.  There were no hard feelings about someone inviting more.  So your MIL could have invited anyone!  Just no more than XX.

Oh, and by the way, I hand-addressed all the invites, I did other things to help with the wedding, we pitched in about $20 grand for the wedding, I took care of setting up the rehearsal dinner AND invited all their out of town guests (her family all lives on the opposite coast, so there were about 50-60 people at the rehearsal dinner (16 being our family and the bridal party), I sent out all the announcements paying the postage for them, etc., etc.  At the rehearsal dinner, my DIL gave out gifts to the bridal party and her parents, thanking them for everything they'd done.  DH and I got nothing, and it was actually embarrassing with everyone sitting there thinking we weren't being thanked because we'd done nothing.  That was the impression left with her family.  And yes, my DS got an earful later on!!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on February 07, 2011, 01:33:23 pm
I have a question, now where are all the DS's and DH's in this?

My DH had definite plans and opinions of what he wanted to do with our wedding.  This was no Brides day and way only.  In fact, I think he was even more interested in a lot of the stuff than me.  But I digress...

When we are going on and on about what the other woman did or did not do (MIL or DIL here) I can't but help wonder why the DS didn't get his parents a gift.  Seems a heck of a lot more cold that the actual child didn't pay attention.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 01:33:44 pm
Geez Pooh, we were writing the same thing at the same time - I read your lines, "And, I was hurt by the fact that her and her Mother handed out "Thank You" gifts to everyone but me and my Mother." and I had just written almost the same thing.  Depressing, huh?  Yeah, it's too bad we can see things so clearly in hindsight that we should have anticipated, but didn't.  Sometimes you think you've covered all the bases, only to find that, oops!  Something got missed.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 07, 2011, 01:45:33 pm
Holli, to give them their due on the chairs thing, my parents have full wrap-a-round porches and the weather had been gorgeous.  There was seating outside.  It turned off cold and I don't think they had a plan B, so everything got crowded into the tent with heaters.  The way her family and my Ex's were sitting, I would have had to sit with them or right up against them. 

Laurie, it wasn't easy because I sure wanted to.  The only saving grace was I looked fabulous, while "new girl" looked horrible!   ;D  And yes, my Mother should have been thanked.  I did have words with her MOH earlier in the day when she came out of my Mother's bedroom and ordered my Mother to fix DIL something to eat.  I very politely explained that I would be happy to fix her something, but only if she understood that ordering my Mother around in her own home was a no-no.  So I am sure she went back and told DIL that too...Lol.

As soon as I read yours stilltryen, I was like...Yeah! That!  I didn't want a gift or even a public thank you, but when you are going around the room handing out gifts to everyone and exclaiming how you couldn't have done it without them...then yes, I felt we were purposefully snubbed.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 07, 2011, 01:46:45 pm
I agree Pam the son should think of his family as well..  My ds was away at Officer Training school for an extended amount of time.. so as the plans changed he was being more notified instead of a active participant.  Thank you gifts were  not given to parents or grandparents, we all just had a toast and said here's to all those who helped.  Actually  I  thought ds wedding was going to go off without a hitch until dh was rushed to the emergency  room on the morning of the wedding day to  find out that he needed to have surgery.  I only wish I had taken pictures of the bride and groom coming to his hospital room that evening.. I was very thankful that my new dil loved my son enough that his dad was allowed to see him for the first time in his dress blues. I will always be grateful to her for that moment in time.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 01:47:35 pm
Pooh- that's awful!  I wouldn't have said thank you if I were you, either!  Especially considering she was the one who gave you the 50 people guest list for the rehearsal dinner!  My gosh!  I kept it at bare minimum- people who were involved in the wedding and spouses.  I felt bad even asking for my grandparents to be included- I did finally, though.  I didn't even bother asking about my aunts and uncles because I knew it wouldn't go over well from the responses I had received about it prior.   And leaving you and your mom out of the gift thing....ohhh if I knew your DIL it would be hard to not give her a piece of my mind!  She was already showing you she didn't care about family relations, why would you bother giving her a thank you?  And I agree with holli- there is no excuse for there to NOT be seating for the groom's family.  They got reserved seating at our reception.  That is nuts.  What a...well...not nice girl.

ST- see, look at all the things you did to help.  Your situation is definitely different than my MILs.  Money isn't the only way to help out and you proved that.  It sounds like you did a lot to help, so it seems like that was more of a joint effort and less worthy of a thank you.  Plus, you accommodated all her guests at the RD.  My MIL didn't even do that.  Didn't help with anything involving the wedding.  The RD seemed more like something she could do so she could complain about it later and talk about how much more she went into debt just trying to help out her son (yes, those words have come out of her mouth and no, we didn't know anything about any financial problems until she used it against us later).  We could have easily paid for it ourselves and I wish we would have.  But I felt like the dismissal of her offer would have seemed rude.

I am still so appalled at the lack of most of your DIL's kindness and just civility.  It seems so ridiculous.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on February 07, 2011, 01:50:53 pm
Historic Event: When I married Kirk's dad in church in 1947, white gown, (an age 20 virgin, no less), beautiful veil, lovely Matron of Honor dress, (my sister,) fabulous flowers and at home reception...all paid for by my family because his was some distance away...the total cost came in under...are you ready for this...under $250.00. LOL!

His family gave us a new car, paid our rent 6 months in advance and got us our sterling.



Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 01:51:28 pm
pam1, re: your post, "I can't but help wonder why the DS didn't get his parents a gift."

I agree.  I do hold sons equally at fault when stuff like this happens and his parents are disrespected in a marriage or relationship.  In this case, it turned out that DS and DIL, together, picked out gifts for the bridal party.  He was under the impression that those were the only gifts they were going to hand out that evening at the rehearsal dinner.  That morning of the rehearsal, he went to run errands.  Unknown to him, DIL went and picked up gifts for her parents, had them wrapped and she put them in the box with the other gifts so he wouldn't notice.  He said his jaw dropped when she pulled that stunt and he had, indeed, had some choice words for her later that night.  I think he was in such shock that it didn't occur to him to stand up and thank HIS parents anyway, however awkward it might have seemed, having no reciprocal gifts.  In my mind, they should have both stood up and thanked both sets of parents for everything - and she could have easily given her parents their gifts privately later on.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 07, 2011, 01:53:35 pm
Thanks OW, I appreciate it.

I agree there would have been nothing wrong with DS doing his own gift giving.  But he was one of those that was told "Just show up in the tux I got you" and wasn't involved with anything, at her request.  He did hug and thank me and his Memaw before they left.  Good enough for me.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 01:56:22 pm
Quote from: luise.volta on February 07, 2011, 01:50:53 pm
Historic Event: When I married Kirk's dad in church in 1947, white gown, (an age 20 virgin, no less), beautiful veil, lovely Matron of Honor dress, (my sister,) fabulous flowers and at home reception...all paid for by my family because his was some distance away...the total cost came in under...are you ready for this...under $250.00. LOL!

His family gave us a new car, paid our rent 6 months in advance and got us our sterling.


OMG.  That is amazing.  My dad was a trooper throughout it all, but he was so disgusted with the way weddings have become such a racket.  He's completely right.  I will always be grateful that my parents spent what they did.  They gave me their budget and stayed below it, and was always looking for ways to cut costs.  I even did fruit in my table centerpieces to save money.  It's expensive in my area.  My church ALONE (and this is the church I grew up in and was confirmed in, so it was meaningful to me to have it in my church) cost $900 just to have the ceremony there.  That included the minister and music, but still.  Then it just gets depressing from there. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on February 07, 2011, 02:01:51 pm
Yeah, I'm not excusing stuff like what Pooh's DIL did.  That's awful.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on February 07, 2011, 02:08:43 pm
Ugh, OW.  During our wedding planning the average cost of a big white wedding was 27k in the area we live in now and around 50k where I grew up and my family still lives.

All I kept thinking was that for 27k I could have the biggest baddest honeymoon ever.  And it wouldn't just be one stinking day being uncomfortable in front of a ton of people.  It would be a two week paradise.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 02:12:31 pm
My son is getting married in 6 months .
I offered initially to help financially ,this was refused .
All I know is the date and the venue .....how is that for not being involved !
As for asking any of my friends ,I haven't been given that privilege .
Hopefully they might inform me nearer the time what's happening !!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 02:15:36 pm
That totally bites lancaster lady.  There would be no wedding if the bride didn't have a groom.  I would have a long chat with DS and ask him what the bleep is wrong with him.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 02:19:01 pm
As me and my future DIL are only just talking again , I don't want to rock any boats !
But it's HER wedding ,it's HER day , it's HER baby .....if you get my drift !
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: seasage on February 07, 2011, 02:38:59 pm
Quote from: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 02:19:01 pm
As me and my future DIL are only just talking again , I don't want to rock any boats !
But it's HER wedding ,it's HER day , it's HER baby .....if you get my drift !


LL, if my DS were getting married to a young woman who didn't want any of my DS's extended family or friends present, I know exactly what I would do.  I would go to the wedding with my purse full of pictures, pictures of all DS's relatives and pictures of all DS's best friends.  At the reception, I would take those pictures out of my purse and show them around to everyone.  This would be a friendly gesture so that DIL's FOO and guests could get to know DS's relatives.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 02:43:27 pm
Speaking of weddings, my brother and SIL were invited to SIL's niece's wedding.  All the guests were required to wear black.  This was the MOB's way of ensuring that all eyes were on the bride, wearing white, and totally standing out in the sea of black. 

Yes, because at every other wedding I've been to, no one has even noticed the bride, eh?  (Roll of eyes here.....)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 02:46:53 pm
Oh....my.....really?  That would have been a wedding I would have had to conveniently skip.  I mean...really?  What is wrong with people these days?
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 02:48:56 pm
How Bizarre !!
I've heard of funerals where there are NO black policies .
But never a wedding with a no colour policy !!
Makes you wonder about folk ...where their brains are ...lol
I'm not sure when invitations are traditionally sent out ie. how long before the wedding ?
We will know then exactly who is invited ..hopefully I'll get one ...lol
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 02:51:18 pm
LL- if I recall, the timeline is usually 6-8 weeks before the wedding, but I've also read it as 4-6.  So somewhere close to 6 weeks before.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 02:51:50 pm
seasage, "This would be a friendly gesture so that DIL's FOO and guests could get to know DS's relatives."  Friendly gesture, my Aunt Fanny!!  However, I must say, I love how you think. 

Unless it's a very, very private wedding with a guest list consisting of only parents of the groom/bride, I would feel very insulted and hurt to think my DS was marrying someone so totally lacking in decorum, understanding, caring, etc. that she and her family would refuse to acknowledge the groom has family who loves him and would want to be there at his wedding. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 02:57:20 pm
I'm sure things will work out that way ,with all the family invited .
We have had a few rocky months F/DIL and I so perhaps I wasn't the ideal buddy to share things with .
so I'm kinda on the outside of things at the moment ,but it's six months away .
Give  me a few more weeks and I'll broach the subject ....waiting for calmer seas ....lol
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 03:00:14 pm
Quote from: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 02:51:50 pm
seasage, "This would be a friendly gesture so that DIL's FOO and guests could get to know DS's relatives."  Friendly gesture, my Aunt Fanny!! 


LOL! 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 07, 2011, 03:14:43 pm
Seasage, your photo idea is great. How about cardboard cutouts with the photos glued on so you could set them up at the tables? JK, of course...

DH & I thanked the ILs at the rehearsal dinner which we paid for but did not get to plan. We were never thanked for anything except by DS who also refused to ask us for $$$ for some over-the-top add-on at the last minute. I think he'd had it with Bridezilla by that point.

Laurie, if I'd have been assured of receiving some of the wedding photos, or even a chance to order some that I'd pay for myself, a fruit basket might have been a lovely gesture. As it was there was another gesture I was contemplating, LOL.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 03:38:10 pm
Quote from: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 02:57:20 pm
I'm sure things will work out that way ,with all the family invited .
We have had a few rocky months F/DIL and I so perhaps I wasn't the ideal buddy to share things with .
so I'm kinda on the outside of things at the moment ,but it's six months away .
Give  me a few more weeks and I'll broach the subject ....waiting for calmer seas ....lol


Remember that weddings cause so much more stress.  My DIL flew into a rage one evening.  She called her parents up and was calling me every name in the book and was totally out of control.  Poor DS called on his cell phone and was frantically telling me I had to call her and apologize.  I told him I'd be happy to, could he just give me a clue as to why I should apologize and let me know what wrong I had committed?  "Mom, you purposely changed an address!!!"  Turns out when I was hand-addressing the invitations, I had the nerve to change one the addresses on the outside envelope for one of the guests.

I had given her a list of my guests with their addresses.  I presumed she was checking each and every guest's envelope to her lists to make sure everything was accurate and I hadn't accidentally picked up something incorrectly.  However, I changed the address for my nephew and his wife because I had previously provided the WRONG address.  I picked up their former address and put it on the list that I gave her.  They had moved. 

I explained this all to DS, and told him that, yes, I would still apologize.  I would tell her I was sorry for fixing something that was wrong and I would never again do such a wicked thing.  Wisely, he declined.  Now, I have no stinking idea why she simply didn't pick up the phone, call me and ask me why I'd changed it before flying off the handle, but I decided that maybe she'd had a really bad day and this was just the proverbial straw.  BTW, that was the ONLY issue with any of the invitations.

So don't automatically think there will be calmer seas - it just might be the calm before the storm now.  :-)

Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 07, 2011, 03:50:23 pm
I think maybe that's why subconsciously I am taking a back seat .
It doesn't take much for things to be taken the wrong way ,so I think I'll keep quiet a while longer .
Don't think I could take being back to square one !
don't want my visitation to be revoked !  ( GD ) I kinda like sleeping at nights too .
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 07, 2011, 10:20:59 pm
Quote from: Pen on February 07, 2011, 03:14:43 pm
Laurie, if I'd have been assured of receiving some of the wedding photos, or even a chance to order some that I'd pay for myself, a fruit basket might have been a lovely gesture. As it was there was another gesture I was contemplating, LOL.

I'll have to ask my dil.. but I know that everyone was aware of the photographers website and knew that the proofs would be posted there for anyone to order.  Of course the bride and groom had a package plan to begin with, but everyone else was able to order packages or individuals.  Actually the photographer was pretty good and he tried to be considerate of my family since both dh and yds (who was the best man) was  missing from the formation.  I don't think you can tell by the pictures that I had started drinking at noon :)

Now about that kind gesture you were referring to Pen....
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 11:47:21 pm
Silly Laurie, Pen never mentioned a thing about it being a "kind" gesture...............
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 06:17:19 am
Oh, you guys will love this one I forgot.  3 months before the wedding, because we were not being told anything, I asked my FDIL, Does your Mother know what color she is going to wear yet and what style?.  She told me no so I told her when her Mother decided to please let me know, because her Mother should have first choice and I would follow suit with style (that's how I had been raised to think of it).  So I ask the next month, the next month and finally 2 weeks before the wedding, her Mother still had not picked.  So I told FDIL that I was going to have to go shopping, as we were 2 weeks out.  She told me to just get whatever I wanted.  Ok, I tried.  Plus my Mother had been waiting too for me to find out, so I told her to get what she wanted.

So me and DH spend all weekend shopping to find this very nice blue dress suit that is very classy, but warm for an outdoor fall wedding. My Mother picks a beautiful pale blue dress with a lace shawl. The next week she calls me (6 days out) and says she has decided that our side should all be in oranges and her side will all be in blue.  I told her it was too late now as both myself and my Mother had purchased outfits and did not have time to go back out shopping, and I told her they were both blue.  She got mad and said "Great, I will tell Mom to find something else then!" and hung up.  Ok, I guess we could have made mad dashes after work every day to try and find something else, but I had been politely asking for three months!  So, I kept my outfit, Mom kept hers...and we looked fabulous!

Her Mother wore black and white zebra stripes....Lol...I'm not kidding.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 08, 2011, 07:06:57 am
My gosh, Pooh!  The ridiculousness you have had to deal with...

And zebra stripes...hmmm...neat.  At least you didn't have to find an orange dress.  Are the separate families really supposed to be color coordinated?  That's so guests can tell who belongs to what family?  LOL.  The orange family and blue family.  I mean I know the mom is supposed to pick her color so the MIL doesn't match her, but that's all I was aware of.  My mom told my MIL about 3 months out that she found her dress (she told her almost immediately after she decided to get it) and my MIL just said, "oh that's okay I already picked mine and it's green."  Thankfully my mom picked blue...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 07:13:28 am
I had never heard of it OW, but I would have done it if DIL had told me sooner, just because that is what she wanted.  I too have only ever heard to let MOB pick first and style. Style as in, long dress or shorter dress, formal or informal, etc.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 08, 2011, 07:25:56 am
Oh.. seriously.. are you suppose to care about what the other mom is wearing...someone left me out of the loop on wedding etiquette.   Well I guess I gave my dil something to hate me for then.. I wore a black and white pant suit.. no not zebra.  My dd wore a very low cut black dress.. she was excited that she finally has some cleavage.  Needless to say I thought we looked ok.. lol maybe not... My husband before he donned his pretty little open backed hospital gown was going to where black slacks and a black shirt..  oh this is horrible I just now saw that we were all in black... well the groomsmen were in black so I guess it was ok.   No one said anything about my colors, but then again I really did start drinking at noon that day... A few did give me really bad looks for arriving to the rehearsal late.. but I had to take my in-laws to see their son since they didn't know he was about to have surgery until they got to the wedding..

So my best wedding advice... have a glass of wine at 12:00 another at 12:15 if required to let everything roll off your back while you walk through the day oblivious.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 07:33:16 am
Ha ha.  I have no idea Laurie about the black.  I know it used to be that wearing black to a wedding was a no-no, and wearing bright colors to a funeral was a no-no.  But, I know times and style have changed and have seen many all black weddings now, and the bridesmaids in black.

Here's the wedding rules that I was always told, and they may all be out-of-date now.

MOB picks her color first and MOG picks a different color.
No one wears white except the bride.
No one wears the same color as the bridesmaids unless requested.
And, if bride has specifics, you follow them.  Meaning color, formal, informal, long or short, etc.  What she would like if done nicely.

And when I say no one, I mean immediate family (MOB, MIL, GM, etc.)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 08, 2011, 07:34:56 am
HAHA ...I can just see DIL FOO ...when I roll in singing ....probably wearing the same colour as MOB....
priceless !!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 07:38:03 am
Lol LL!  Well all the rules kind of go out the window when you are not being told anything.  Well kind of.  I knew her wedding colors so I stayed away from those and I wouldn't have done white.  But other than that, if you don't include me or tell me, then don't get mad when I show up in something you didn't want.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 08, 2011, 07:42:35 am
We weren't given much time either & then they asked DDD to be in the wedding party too at the last minute so we were a little stressed. I decided to choose a color that looked good with the wedding color scheme but not match it or MOTB's color (OK since I was walking in with DH & DS), but did not match the style of MOTB's long dress since I was having trouble finding something long that didn't scream "dumpy old MOTG." Not having unlimited resources I wasn't comfortable spending hundreds on a dress I'd never wear again, so I opted for a knee-length pencil skirt, elegant blouse  and heels. By that time I think FDIL was willing to agree to anything since she knew she'd put us in a bind timewise. I felt and looked great, but I think MOTB was miffed. She sure looked sour in the photos. I was smilin'...and I hadn't had a drop yet.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 08, 2011, 07:45:47 am
Almost all my HS friends wore black...including my singer...I didn't really care.  There may have been a little more sensitivity to DH's FOO wearing black though, as I already knew they didn't like me.  Just human nature I suppose. 

Pooh, I got married a couple years ago and those rules still apply as far as I know.

GMIL asked me beforehand what my wedding colors are.  "Burgundy and gold."  "Oh...okay, so I should get either a burgundy or gold dress."  "No...no...you don't need to match my wedding colors.  Really."  LOL!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 07:47:10 am
That was me too Pen.  I didn't do anything formal, but the outfit was classy, stylish and dressy.  MOB was wearing a zebra striped skirt and sparkly blouse that was very informal.  She looked at me when I got there and her eyes got huge.  I think she was very miffed that I wore something so totally different than her.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 07:48:43 am
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 08, 2011, 07:45:47 am
Almost all my HS friends wore black...including my singer...I didn't really care.  There may have been a little more sensitivity to DH's FOO wearing black though, as I already knew they didn't like me.  Just human nature I suppose. 

Pooh, I got married a couple years ago and those rules still apply as far as I know.

GMIL asked me beforehand what my wedding colors are.  "Burgundy and gold."  "Oh...okay, so I should get either a burgundy or gold dress."  "No...no...you don't need to match my wedding colors.  Really."  LOL!


Ha ha ha...I just got a great image of GMIL showing up in a gold lame' dress!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 08, 2011, 07:52:59 am
Quote from: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 07:47:10 am
That was me too Pen.  I didn't do anything formal, but the outfit was classy, stylish and dressy.  MOB was wearing a zebra striped skirt and sparkly blouse that was very informal.  She looked at me when I got there and her eyes got huge.  I think she was very miffed that I wore something so totally different than her.


Good for you Pooh! I figured that since the wedding photos would be around forever I didn't want DS and my grandkids to be embarrassed of me in the future. If the ILs had to be a bit miffed so be it. I'm not a vain, high-maintainance gal, but I do have some pride.

Gold lame' dress - LOL.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 08, 2011, 07:57:47 am
I hadn't heard any of this what everyone should wear stuff. I totally didn't care who wore what. In fact, my Mom's dress was such a light pink that indoors with the flash it appeared to be white. Ooops. It doesn't really bother me a bit. The photos are still on my wall.

I must be out of the wedding etiquette loop. I think it might be easier that way!  :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 08, 2011, 08:01:08 am
I agree Holli.. it is easier to be out of the loop at times.. I applied common sense and did not pose in front of the bride and groom, nor did I make little horns with my fingers behind the mother of the bride's head. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 08:04:08 am
Ha ha...at my wedding, I told everyone to wear what they wanted.  It was going to be outside, with reception inside, so dress comfortably!  I didn't care either.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 08, 2011, 08:07:44 am
My way was still easier.. I invited no one.. I wore my blue jeans and a white gauze top.. I was skinny, tanned and we had a beach to get to. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 08, 2011, 08:10:04 am
See my new post under "internet." LOL
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: lancaster lady on February 08, 2011, 08:41:39 am
those were the days Laurie ...bet you had a great time ...!
to spend a fortune on a wedding that only means something to two people ,crazy?
Surely it doesn't matter where or how ,as long as you're happy . :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 09:37:38 am
One of the girls here at work got married 5 months before I did, and her DH was from the country.  So their wedding was all country stuff.  She had a lady make her a wedding dress....yes, a full length with train wedding dress, out of denim!  It was sooo cool.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 08, 2011, 10:07:45 am
One of my dd's best friend is really shy... and  what do you do about the other 'best' friend.. so here is what they came up with.  One best bud will be the MOH.. the shy one is going to become certified and she will actually conduct the ceremony.. I didn't know there isn't much to being official and allowed to conduct a marriage.. I thought that was a different take.  Shy best friend has a sister who will be married within a couple of months and she is now going to officiate her marriage as well.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 08, 2011, 10:10:25 am
Laurie, we found out the same thing. In our state there is a little time factor but that's it and you're good to go. People make some bank doing this!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 08, 2011, 10:19:49 am
I think it would be great fun to be married by your long time best friend.. shy gf is also engaged to be married.. just waiting for a break from med school.. she asked my dd to be her moh.. her bf asked my dd to be his best female/man .. I'm sitting back waiting to see how this one ends up working out.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2011, 10:24:36 am
Oh, I think that's way cool!
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2011, 11:19:24 am
Kirk is an Ordained Minister and performed my grandson's wedding. Talk about wonderful! It was!  :D
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 08, 2011, 07:45:11 pm
Wonder if we could let him do my DD's via skype :)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: ladyfirstdilsecond on February 26, 2011, 03:07:01 pm
I would like to say that it was my MIL and GMIL that made our wedding a hell and alot of their complaints are the same things I'm hearing from some other ladies.  I get the "we weren't involved" crap (yeah, because when we told you we were engaged, you cried, stormed out of the room, and called me a "hussy"--you think you deserve to be involved when you said you didn't want us married?).  Then, I got the "I want THESE people invited" nonsense when we had already said that my MIL and GMIL could invite XX number of guests.  They fought and argued that my parents were allowed to invite more (because, you know, my FOO are such scumbags to my MIL and GMIL that they would never speak with them unless they had to--in fact, my parents didn't have half as many as MIL) and when MIL went over her limit and we told her to cut her list (as WE were paying for it, not her or my parents), she pitched a fit, but said she would.  THEN, she made up her OWN invites, sent them to over 20 MORE people than she originally had (like, her friends from HS that she hadn't spoken with in years) and when we found out, we made her call them all and un-invite them because we couldn't afford it.  Again, I was the "bad guy" in all of this even though I was not the one doing it--DH was.  4 weeks before the wedding, we found out MIL had called and booked all the blocked rooms for "her family" and had them booked under names of people we didn't even invite.  When asked why, she told us that HER family should get to all stay together (they needed 5 of the 17 rooms blocked) and that my family coming from overseas could just sleep on other people's couches.  Then, she accused me of sleeping with the caterer (an 80 year old family friend who lost his wife 3 years earlier to Leukemia) at our rehearsal dinner, tried to schedule the ceremony for us, and tried to get us to include her whole family (about 30 extra people) in our rehearsal dinner.  When they all showed up because she had told them we invited them (and we had told her not to), they all got pissed at us for turning them away (the restaurant couldn't hold any more in the room we had booked and the only people from my family there were my mom, dad, and sister (the MoH) ), she made a scene and stormed out.  All this time, she put up the front of "Oh, my DIL won't let me be a part of the wedding!" and "Oh, it's so saaaad that my son is letting HER do this to me" when, in reality, it was her own behavior that she refused to admit to that caused all of this mess.  (I could give you more than 20 more examples of times she said/did something nasty to me that made me not want her even AT our wedding.)

So, forgive me if I don't feel like some MILs are telling the truth about how their DIL is just being "awful".  I know my MIL lied about her involvement in this mess--and I don't put it past alot of MILs to do the same thing to save face.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 26, 2011, 03:21:40 pm
If I recall the OP was explaining that not only was she left out of wedding plans, she was already told not even to give a gift of any sort. I think she had thought that not being part of the wedding plans was okay, but it was the fact that every one of her offers had been turned down, and she's left feeling very out of place. I think it went beyond more than just a wedding.

I also can think of one woman on here that paid for a portion of her son's wedding, and wasn't able to invite but a handful of people. Meanwhile, the DIL's family was there by the truckloads.

I also can think of women that just were not included at all, and they had prepared themselves for not having control over who they could invite, the venue choosing, etc.

I can only assume from what is written on here, but I don't think a lot of the women on here would call their DIL the names you've been called, mainly b/c they don't use that kind of talk on here.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on February 26, 2011, 03:32:12 pm
Sometimes a rant is indicated. There are some deep hurts that get expressed here. The next step is to let it go, when possible. There's no undoing it.,there's no explaining it and I doubt that we have one MIL on this Web-forum that supports it. Sending love...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pen on February 26, 2011, 06:04:31 pm
LFDS, why are you here if you don't think we're being honest with ourselves and others? We can offer support and compassion for your situation, but it means nothing if you don't think we're truthful.

Your story is heartbreaking, LFDS. I can assure you I have never behaved that way towards my DIL, it just isn't my style. Having been a DIL twice and having observed my DGM treat my mom horribly, I knew what kind of MIL I didn't want to be. Sure, I wanted to call and text often, but I didn't. Sure, I wish I'd had more input on wedding plans, especially since we were paying our fair share and had less resources than DIL's FOO but I didn't demand a thing, just signed the checks. You can read my boring posts at your leisure, LOL.

We're here for you...it sounds like you've had a rough go. Painting us all with the same brush isn't productive, just as MILs aren't served by thinking all DILs are alike (and we've had some horror stories!)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: LaurieS on February 26, 2011, 07:22:35 pm
Quote from: ladyfirstdilsecond on February 26, 2011, 03:07:01 pm
I would like to say that it was my MIL and GMIL that made our wedding a hell and alot of their complaints are the same things I'm hearing from some other ladies.  I get the "we weren't involved" crap (yeah, because when we told you we were engaged, you cried, stormed out of the room, and called me a "hussy"--you think you deserve to be involved when you said you didn't want us married?).

I promise.. when my daughter tells me that she is engaged, I will not call you a hussy, I will not storm out of the room.. and I also promise that I will never think I deserved to be involved in your wedding.

When my daughter tells me that she is engaged, I'm going to give her a heartfelt hug and tell her that she may be the luckiest girl on the earth... and then I'm going to ogle over her ring.  oh and btw-her  future mil told me that she plans on doing the same.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on February 27, 2011, 05:47:39 am
LFDS,

My MIL would (and has) lied about her involvement in our situation.  If she came on here, I could basically write you the script of what she would say before she said it lol. I'm unemotional, I don't know love, I am not grateful and I don't share, I also smoke and work (things ladies should never do!) I don't know how to bake or clean correctly and I'm not very nice.

No one is going to last long here with that frame of mine, it's simply not that kind of place.  Of course there are going to be posters you don't agree with, that's life -- I directly ask when I need more information and I haven't had a problem. 

Why not start your own thread about the problems you're having in your situation?  Without all the MIL stuff...
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on February 27, 2011, 08:42:57 am
I think it's justifiable anger when a DIL has to live through what LFDL has been faced with. We have had just as many members dealing with the reverse. It's the personality, not the MIL or DIL title. We all eventually come to that truth.

In a state of anger and hurt it may also be normal to project that out onto all MILs or all DILs, as the case may be, but/and it is not productive, fair or even minimally useful. Any sweeping generalizations are going to be challenged here.

Every situation is different. All players in every situation are unique. There are Web-forums that are battlefields where members choose up sides and slug it out over generalities. This isn't one of them.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on February 27, 2011, 09:30:50 am
LFDS- where would any of us be if we assumed that all MILs or all DILs are bad just because ours is?  That's a dangerous mindset to have and it is sure to only hurt you eventually.  I too have sat here and read things thinking, "Interesting...this sounds just like something my MIL would say except it didn't really happen that way." But where would I be if I assumed everyone on here was a lying manipulative deceitful woman?  Just because someone is a MIL can't mean they're inherently bad- because they started out as just women (with problems obviously), something we ALL are, even DILs.  So it's safe to say there are going to be bad eggs in both "categories" because we're all women, and that's the common denominator unfortunately. I would bet your MIL was probably a pill of a DIL too.  Am I confusing or do you get what I'm saying?  There isn't a switch that's turned on when normal women become MILs to make them difficult.  It's whether or not the woman is predisposed to be difficult, and that's going to include both "categories," making it really silly to generalize that only one of these "categories" is more likely to come on here and lie about their situation.  Whatever type of woman it is, eventually the truth will come out in her posts.  Until then, I choose to believe in the good.   
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 10:02:20 am
I am a Woman, Wife, Ex-Wife, Mother, Step-Mother, Daughter, Granddaughter, MIL and DIL.  So which group do I get lumped into if we begin to generalize people?
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 10:13:09 am
Well, I'd try to get the granddaughter title.  No one wants step mother or in law lol.  I wonder which provokes the most anxiety generally, I'm guessing stepmom.  So yeah, stay away from that one
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: holliberri on February 28, 2011, 10:17:48 am
Hmm...I'll have to try that. From now on, I'll introduce myself as my G-ma's Granddaugther. No making waves with that.
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on February 28, 2011, 10:51:29 am
I'm a *very* old lady and that covers everything!  8)
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: Pooh on February 28, 2011, 11:02:49 am
Hee hee
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: willingtohelp on March 01, 2011, 09:24:47 am
But Luise, it's not about how old the calendar says you are but how old you are at heart.  I have to echo the sentiments expressed before.  Everyone on this board is an individual, just as in life.  The MILs here are not my MIL.  Their DILs are not who I am.  There are some people here who I find myself agreeing with over and over.  There are others who I disagree with sometimes.  But I think at the end of the day, we all respect each other.  And we trust each other.  That's why I came here originally, why I stayed here, why I kept reading here even when I didn't have time to type, and why I am back posting now that I have a few moments.  Because I believe this board is unique. 
Title: Re: Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2011, 12:10:14 pm
How lovely, Clover...thank you! I feel very healthy and focused and love this work. There is something about being 84 (next week) and being useful that is quite wonderful.

We now have over 2,300 members and keep growing. I still read every post because that is the way to keep it unique. When someone comes who wants to start fights and choose up sides...I remind them that's not what we're about and warn them that I can be a force to be reckoned with!  :o  And when we get a person so attached to being a victim that all our efforts result in "Ya, buts" that has to be handled, too. Some are super-sensitive and can't take any controversy at all and of course we have that on occasion. I see it as healthy in most cases.

I still remember when you first appeared. We hadn't had any DILs. It was then www.MotherInLawsUnite.com.
What a pioneer you were. I still smile that you blessed me by saying (in a PM) that I reminded your of a grandmother you dearly love and respect. My other counseling Web-site, www.MomResponds.com , is also thriving, as well. So, I'm plugging along.

When you get a chance PM me about your daughter and work if you can. I know you are really busy but would love to catch up.