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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: JaneF on November 06, 2010, 04:35:58 am

Title: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: JaneF on November 06, 2010, 04:35:58 am

Hello my name is Jane. First of all I must say that I love my 3 adult children very much. However, to be quite honest I am exhausted, sad, angry, confused, worried and hurt, and I have been dealing with their issues for many years. My kids have been into drugs (using and selling), have all had kids young and out of wedlock, been arrested, lied, stolen, and they have a serious sense of entitlement for some reason. I am raising one grandchild, and have all her life. She's 11. Her mother, my daughter,  is bipolar and  severe,  she is on disability. I have tried to help her , teach her to parent, I  helped financially (for 3 grandchildrens sake), my husband  got her husband jobs with benefits , he lost them due to drugs . Now they are divorced, she ended up in rehab for using needle drugs,  met a man there, and moved in with him a month later. She yanks my grandsons constantly. One grandson was in 6 schoosl last year, different towns, men etc. He has been with me for a few months because  daughter said he was not happy or treated fairly at her boyfriends house. BUT...she has been drawing welfare and food stamps on him. Family services found out and  going to cut her benefits, so she's jerking my grandson back to her boyfriends home because they need the welfare benefits! He is crushed, he is 7 years old. This will make the third school this year, is only just the end of the first quarter. My other child, a son is angry at us because he and his wife feel like we "DON'T DO ENOUGH FOR THEM" He has a good job, his wife chooses not to work, her parents only have a few grandkids and they help them a lot, but they expect MORE! They spend money for $500 football tickets, Wii and games, huge cell phone bills, and they eat out DAILY. Their daughter (one of my grandaughters) is 11, and is on facebook and her photos are sexually provocative, she puts her phone number on there, and adult men talk to her there, but my son defends it. I can't take any more, and there has been so much more. HELP!
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: 1Glitterati on November 06, 2010, 07:39:48 am
I think it's horrible that your daughter is doing that.  That poor child.   I wish women and men who are single (for whatever reason) would think before they bring other people into their children's lives.  I detest people who are more about getting their own groove on and have their self worth tied up in "having a man" or a flavor of the month to parade around.  It's wrong.  I wish there was something I could tell you that would help.  Is there any way that your daughter will let you talk to the school to check in and see how he's doing at his new school?  (She'd have to write a note and put it in his file that they are allowed to talk to you.)  You can also call the guidance counselor at his new school any time and tell him/her your concerns.   They can't tell you anything (without permission from mom), but they can LISTEN to whatever it is you say.  Be careful though....the guidance counselor doesn't owe you confidentiality...so she may tell mom you called and what you said.

As to your son...flat out he's jealous of the things you've done for your daughter.  He even told you so.  I don't know what you can do to fix that.  I'll even admit sometimes to having some of that feeling myself when it comes to my bro.  My parents have handed him money hand over fist for years and paid his bills and even paid for his bankruptcy.  He still lives in a property they have rent free and they pay his med insurance, "his" car is in their name and the payment comes out of their account, and they pay the inusurance on it.  Now...I would NEVER trade my life for my bro's.  HIs life sucks.  Most of it is of his own making...but nonetheless, his life stinks even with financial help from my parents.

My family had an emergency last year and we really didn't know how we were going to take care of it.  My mom said "I wish I had the money to help you."  In that split second I was so mad.  I thought...well, you would--if you didn't spend every penny you had on my worthless brother.  Of course...I NEVER said that out loud, and I NEVER expressed that in any non-verbal way to my mom.  My mom doesn't owe me anything...and in fact my mom does quite a few nice things here and there for me and for the kids and so I had a nice little conversation with myself about how I needed to keep my mouth shut and get over myself.  And, get over myself I did.  I can say this though,  it's hard to watch the screw up kid constantly get rewarded with help and money and other types of support.  Sometimes you almost feel penalized for not being a screw up.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: luise.volta on November 06, 2010, 08:24:39 am
All I l can think of is that you gave it your best shot. I can't see where you can make any headway in those circumstances and you are paying too high a price, personally. It seems to me that you need to turn toward repairing the damage that has been done to you. Sending love...
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: JaneF on November 06, 2010, 01:36:13 pm
Thank you for your kind words. I think you are absolutely correct, but it does sadden me a great deal. I cannot change my kids, I tried to raise them better than that but ultimately they make their own choices now. I still love them, but they have no sense of boundaries...I need to set those boundaries to keep myself healthy. I will always hope the best for my grandchildren of course, they will be the ones to suffer the most. Glad to have found this web site. Jane
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: Pen on November 06, 2010, 02:26:17 pm
Welcome, Jane. I'm sorry you need us, but glad you're here. Please take care of yourself.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: luise.volta on November 06, 2010, 02:37:56 pm
And please make this your home away from home. Pretty soon you'll be helping others!  :)
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: JaneF on November 06, 2010, 09:01:18 pm
Thanks again all for your responses. I will survive, I still have my grandaughter and we need to be healthy and stable to continue to raise her. She is a joy. I do think at times that I should not be raising kids anymore, I raised mine! However, I would not and could not ever turn away my grandchildren if they need me. She is very, very close to her "papa", and I am glad, it has made her a happy, caring, well behaved child. I had to tell grandson tonite that his mother was coming after him tomorrow, and he is sad. She had said she was coming Tuesday after school, but suddenly with no warning or explanation she changes the plan. My grandson said to me as I was tucking him in bed that his friend "Logan" would be disappointed because he was expecting to be able to say goodbye at school. I almost cried like a baby at his disappointment. I am glad I spent the day with the kids doing fun stuff. We got papas birthday gift bought, the kids chose a funny musical card for him, then we bought silly ink pens and ear muffs and gloves, and we had lunch out together. I look forward to hearing about the other issues on this web site, and I hope I can offer help in areas where I've experienced those things. Blessings to you all. Jane
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: luise.volta on November 06, 2010, 09:02:51 pm
Thanks for becoming part of the "family."  :)
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: barelythere on November 06, 2010, 09:04:44 pm
Quote from: JaneF on November 06, 2010, 09:01:18 pm
Thanks again all for your responses. I will survive, I still have my grandaughter and we need to be healthy and stable to continue to raise her. She is a joy. I do think at times that I should not be raising kids anymore, I raised mine! However, I would not and could not ever turn away my grandchildren if they need me. She is very, very close to her "papa", and I am glad, it has made her a happy, caring, well behaved child. I had to tell grandson tonite that his mother was coming after him tomorrow, and he is sad. She had said she was coming Tuesday after school, but suddenly with no warning or explanation she changes the plan. My grandson said to me as I was tucking him in bed that his friend "Logan" would be disappointed because he was expecting to be able to say goodbye at school. I almost cried like a baby at his disappointment. I am glad I spent the day with the kids doing fun stuff. We got papas birthday gift bought, the kids chose a funny musical card for him, then we bought silly ink pens and ear muffs and gloves, and we had lunch out together. I look forward to hearing about the other issues on this web site, and I hope I can offer help in areas where I've experienced those things. Blessings to you all. Jane


Blessings Jane... :'(
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: LaurieS on November 06, 2010, 10:48:33 pm
How sad that this child's mother can not step up and do what might be best for her own baby. Such as excuse herself from his rearing.  Yes, Logan will be disappointed.. how incredibly sweet your grandson is to still be thinking of others.  Children deserve better.  I have to wonder why children's services has not intervened and removed this child from her.... abusing drugs, welfare fraud.. what more does the state need?  Sadly you have to ask, what kind of a life will this child have when all is said and done. 

What loving grandparents you and your husband are ... I knew a couple, pretty much in the same boat as you... Their dd had her first child when she was very young and the grandparents raised her, as the dd went off to destroy her own life.. While doing so she had 3 additional kids by 3 different men.  Last I heard directly from the daughter is that she intended to have more children, in part because her parents begged her not to and also because babies love you unconditionally.  The grandparents could not physically or financially take on all of her children and were forced to make what had to be a very hard decision... how the story ended I don't  know..

I'm sure you've entertained the idea of no longer providing aid, unless the children were living with you.  Would your daughter ever consider relinquishing her parental rights?
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: Pen on November 07, 2010, 02:40:33 am
So sad. What's best for the children is not what happens in so many cases. I'm in awe of GPs who raise their GC. What a wonderful thing.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: JaneF on November 07, 2010, 03:51:59 am
Laund this man taught her a new trick. rie, funny you should mention what else family services might need in order to step in!!! You won't believe what I will tell you next. Around 15 months ago my dd was living with yet ANOTHER MAN (while still married to her husband), and this man taught her a new trick...using drugs via needles, as he was a needle user. This new man had a father (notice I said HAD!!!) that also was a serious drug abuser (crack mostly). This father was at a "party" at my dd's rental (in yet another town!), and the main entertainment that night was DRUGS! My two grandsons were present at the time, and they were 6 years old and just turned 1 year old at the time. Well...the father did too many drugs, overdosed, and basically his heart blew up, he DIED in dd's house on the spot! I found out, called family services lady to see what could be done for the kids safety, guess what??? NOTHING. There was not even an investigation! I called hotline on dd one other time, same issue again (drugs in home etc). This was about 5 years ago I'd guess and in another town of course...my daughter called me laughing (not knowing it was me that hotlined her) and said family services had called to WARN them they would be coming to their home for investigation in 3 hours time, so my dd and her husband had enough time to clear house, clean and clean up grandson too, nothing was found by familyt services on their visit (of course). It's a wonder I am still fairly sane. She would never relinquish her rights to the boys. I do have gd legally, so she is safe. Now in a different town, a different guy (her rehab jewel of a man with several felonies), and here my grandsons go again.  :(
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: luise.volta on November 07, 2010, 08:23:39 am
At least you have your GD. I know that doesn't help the boys but I don't see a way to do that.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: LaurieS on November 07, 2010, 12:46:42 pm
I would not give her one penny for the boys.. I know that it would be hard but if you didn't and continued to report her sorry butt.. maybe she'll get tired of the kids and relinquish them.  Not that I would wish death on anyone, but can you get it set up so the kids will automatically come to you when she finally overdoses?  I know this is your daughter but in my eyes those boys would be better off motherless.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: luise.volta on November 07, 2010, 01:37:23 pm
They already are.  :'(
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: LaurieS on November 07, 2010, 04:43:01 pm
Quote from: luise.volta on November 07, 2010, 01:37:23 pm
They already are.  :'(
Isn't that a sad fact... The already are.  You know it's one thing to take yourself down a path of destruction but to take children with you in order to keep getting the money is unbelievable.  I'm not saying that every grandparent is in the position to raise the grandkids, but this woman can offer a better life for her sons unfortunately she is to out of touch to see it. 

This is where the state is failing kids miserably, children should not end up damaged for life before they've gotten to live. 
Quote from: JaneF on November 07, 2010, 03:51:59 am
Now in a different town, a different guy (her rehab jewel of a man with several felonies), and here my grandsons go again.  :(

Way to many kids end up victims of horrific crimes that are forced to live this lifestyle.. My prayers are with your grandchildren and you.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: luise.volta on November 07, 2010, 05:56:05 pm
Amen, Laurie!
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: jomama on November 08, 2010, 12:43:51 am
I still beat myself up for not fighting dd to continue custody.  She had a good job, paying her bills, doing all the things she was supposed to do. I had custody for 5 years and it was supposed to be temporary. I knew she was up to something, but judges don't put much faith in 'intuition'. 
I've been reading up on Narcissistic and Anti Social Personality Disorders. Talk about a lightbulb moment!
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: JaneF on November 08, 2010, 02:13:12 pm
 I agree, these kids are basically motherless because she only cares about herself. I  will report any issues  that endanger my grandsons, but since I won't be communicating with her it'll be  difficult to know what's going on. As far as I know  the only "drugs" she is doing now are prescribed except for  pot...but she's  still in danger of overdose with prescribed meds. Last time she had too many prescribed meds in her system ( over 6 weeks ago), I took her to emergency room  because she was hallucinating! She tried to load dishes in  OVEN thinking it was a dishwasher. She was dressing her 2 year old for bed, I was right supervising her, she went to put a second pair of pajamas over the pair he had on and she said she did not want him to get cold! The temps that day were in 90's. The hospital said  med overdose,  they found pot in her system but no other street drugs. She should have a guardian,  live in group home setting,  she shouldn't have custody of kids! I would take kids if something happens to her, but  dad still has rights!
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: Nana on November 08, 2010, 02:20:09 pm
Jane

Cant advice about it.  The only thing that comes to my mind is that you should be close to ensure the safety of the babies.... poor little kids.....so sorry for them.

Be strong now....they need you....so does your daughter.

Love
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: JaneF on November 10, 2010, 11:35:55 am
Good Wednesday to you all. Nana, I understand what you say about my daughter and the grandkids need me, but when she went back to the "current" boyfriend that meant she went over 3 hours away from me. So I really am not "close" physically now. She and her new guy like it that way I think, so I don't see what goes on. I made sure my grandson knows our phone number, and he knows if he is scared, hurt or just needs me he is to go to teacher or school counselor. That is all I knew to do. I have to admit I miss him terribly, but without the drama from DS and DD, I have managed to sleep more peacefully the last few days and feel refreshed! Grandaughter is doing great, she is a great kid. The past week was hard for hubby and I because of having to put our 18 and 15 year old girl kitties to sleep, then GS leaving on top of that. But we are doing okay. Thinking about Thanksgiving, and having GD help me decorate tree very soon for Christmas. Trying to focus on the good things! Wishing you a lovely day all.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: Renet on November 10, 2010, 11:39:04 am
Jane F.  I would have loved to have had a mother like you.......
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: Nana on November 10, 2010, 02:21:52 pm
Janef:

You are a gopd caring mother.  You are not now in the possiblity of helping your gc.  You are in my prayers.    We are all here for you. 

Love
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: stilltryen on November 11, 2010, 01:14:19 pm
Jane, keep a notebook close by.  You should be noting every single thing down - date, time, details, etc.  Don't give up on CPS either.  Call them, call them and call them again and report as often as you feel you should.  Again, write everything down.  Whom you spoke to - and if there were any followups, dates, etc.  Re:  the father, call him and why you feel your grandson needs to be away from mom.  Again, write down the conversation, time, date and what actions came of it.

One day you might be able to take all this information to an attorney to fight for custody.  Or if CPS ever does their job and decides to take the kids away, you can step in.  If you have all this info and can point to specific dates, times, etc., you have far more ammunition than just saying, "One time my daughter tried to load the dishes in the oven" type of thing.  Also, there may have been someone else there, write it down that "Aunt Susan happened to be at my house at the time and also witnessed this."  This lends a bit more credence if you have a third party who might have observed some of her behavior.  My friend had to do this to take her grandkids away from her drugged out daughter.  She so did not want to start raising children again, but under the circumstances, she did. 

Good luck, I know I would be beside myself worrying about the kids. 
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: LaurieS on November 11, 2010, 01:42:32 pm
I agree Stilltryen.. and you gave her great advice.  It's one thing to have your child distant themselves from us.. but it would be quite another to have to live in fear of your grandchild being injured while you watched from afar.

Have you heard how your grandson is taking to his new school and classmates?  Do you think he'll spend any of the holidays with you?  Does he resent his sister at all because she is able to stay with you and have some form of normalcy in her life? 

We're thinking about you
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: JaneF on November 12, 2010, 06:35:08 pm
No, I have not heard how my sweet GS is doing at his new school. I did make sure he had our phone number in his memory, and he knows if he is ever hurt, or afraid he can go to a teacher or school counselor and he can call me. I do not know if I will get to see them for the holidays though. I'd love to see them but I do not want contact with my DD. I am still upset with her for taking GS only to get welfare and food stamps to continue. (all was okay for him to be here until family services found out she was drawing those benefits for GS and he was not even in her home!), then she needed him back so they would not cut her off. I don't think at age 7 he has thought about resenting his sister for being able to live here and have stability, but he may get to that point. I hope he doesn't, but I couldn't blame a child for being upset at not having stability and calm home they deserve. I just hope DD's boyfriend does not treat him unfairly. He has 3 kids of his own, and he and my DD have had words about the difference in how her kids are treated versus his...DUH, why would she still be there then? That was the reason I initially had my GS for the past few months!!! But I guess $ was more important than my GS's happiness. And it wasn't all that much money and food stamps even, probably $200 worth total. If I'd had the money, I'd have given it to her to leave GS here, but I need the money we make by working to care for GD we have. GD and I spent the day together organizing her play room. She loves arts and crafts (clay, drawing, painting). She also has a trunk of dress up clothes she enjoys. We do not let the tv babysit, nor do we allow hours of video games. She entertains herself nicely in other ways! She has pets she cares for daily and she loves that too. We are so blessed to have her!  Hugs to you all.
Title: Re: New here, and need to find others in same situation for mainly support
Post by: LaurieS on November 12, 2010, 07:32:36 pm
Jane.. Your grandson is in our prayers.  It is a shame you can't just pay her off and he could  stay full time  with you, but I'm sure it's a hardship to fully raise another child already.  It's  unfortunate, you will never change your dd, but I'm sure that your gs finds great comfort knowing that he can reach you if he ever feels the need.  You really are a wonderful caring Grandma.