As soon as I found out my dil was pregnant I turned one of the rooms in my house into a nursery/little girl's room thinking that GD would be staying with us often, I bought furniture and all kinds of toys for her so that she would have them here when she came, in 1 1/2 years she's only come to our house 4 or 5 times and they brought her own stuff with them, knowing that I have everything, I feel like such a fool, all my dreams have gone out the window. So today I finally decided to get rid of all the little girl's stuff and turned the room into a regular guestroom with DH approval. I never thought I could do it but that room as pretty as it was, was a constant reminder of all the horrible things our DIL has done to us. I'm happy I did it, now we'll have to see their reaction next time they come...
Good for you, Guest! I know it wasn't easy, but you did it. "If it doesn't make you smile, get rid of it!"
I'm sending you big hugs...yes, it's difficult....and it was time to do what you did, it's a step forward...
I don't know if anyone talked to you about this, but some DIL's view what you did, as trying to take over....
Believe me, I have many friends who did the same, but the difference is, they're DIL are career confident women...and don't care....however, some DIL's it threatens and they are way to possessive of they're children....they fear sharing they're kids. b/c the children may love grandma more? I know it sounds silly, but it's true...
It's so sad, b/c I remember spending a lot of time with both grandparents...and we were better kids for it...it helped us learn, that there are different rules in different households...and we had many role models....mother who are insecure, do not realize, how much they stagnate they're children, but, they want full control....
It's such a shame they feel that way....and don't realize, they need to get help to overcome those feelings and grow....your entire life is stagnated plus these women stagnate they're own kids lives...
I think every child's parent, should introduce children to as many opportunites that are out there...like music lessons, art, soccor, baseball, riding, even foreign languages...there is nothing more rewarding then to see a child progress as it gives them confidence...and the realization of all the opportunities which are out there...plus it also erases that small town concept, that I grew up with....
Now looking back, I feel that it was a stupid thing to do but i wanted to do for my GD what my kid's grandparents couldn't do for them. My husband lost his parents when he was young and I lost my mom when I was very young also, my father was the only grandparent my kids knew and he was very loving towards them, but didn't have the money to buy them anything so I wanted my GD to be a little princess, I even bought gold jewelry for her that she has never worn and probably never will. I'm sure my dil thought I was a complete fool, but there's a new me. We have two other children and I hope this bad experience hasn't ruined it for the other two when they decide to have kids.
Dear guest1,
I don't think what you did was stupid at all! I understand where you were coming from and I think it was loving on your part to do that. I might have done the same thing if I had an extra room. I can see where the DIL's would be insecure about it though, but I've made similar mistakes also. I seem to learn the hard way...
I think what you're doing is very healthy for you. Passing that room each day was a reminder of your hurt feelings, hopefully now you can pass a room that you can use and be proud of!
Hang in there! Sending you lots of hugs!! :)
I don't think what you did was stupid either....you were excited....and in love with your GD, so of course you want to do for her....but, unfortunately, some DIL's see it as a threat? and by the way, many many Grand parents do the same thing...I didn't do a room however, I bought playpen and little bed for her so they wouldn't have to carry much back and forth....I don't know, it's the way we were raised, right? I just don't understand why some DIL's are so touchy....I know when I told my girlfriend at work about things that My DIL got upset with me about, she felt, she was just looking for stuff...however, my DIL is super sensitive, and it's difficult talking to her, she doesn't understand that people are not attacking her, that its just simply the way they are....I wish she could develop some self esteem...she's got the heart of a bull, and there isn't anything she couldn't accomplish, however, her low self esteem holds her back...she is fearful of so many things...
Guest1, you erred on the side of love, which is never stupid. All of our children should be so lucky!
I remember when my first was due, an acquaintance from work (who was lonely and had some other issues) glommed (sp?) onto me and it kind of freaked me out. She spent a lot of money on baby gifts and came over every day after the baby was born. However, my gut told me she was harmless, just lonely, and her heart was in the right place. She ended up being one of my children's greatest influences, giving them experiences that we could never have given them. During times of stress she was a huge help. Even though our friendship has cooled since she married and now has grandchildren to spoil, my grown children still think of their time with her fondly. I'm glad I didn't slam the door in her face!
Thank you all for opening my eyes. I didn't think of it that way but knowing my dil she probably did see it as a threat.
Anna, I don't have allergies to cats but know plenty of people who do. It's not an exaggeration at all.
We did rooms over too and that was a no no, I now see. I don't know what the issue is.
If you are having this kind of life and death struggle, you must take care of Anna first. Some DILs think we are over acting and they don't believe what we say. "Your Mother always over-reacts" (I've heard that a zillion times) Maybe I do and I need to work on that but that's part of my personality which others find "charming"? Just not her/them.
Of course their parents don't do that, ever.
For instance, I said to my DIL that my husband was so sad for all the stained relationships we have. He was and still is!!! Woudn't you know it, husband called her to ask her about something unrelated......she immediately called me to tell me that FIL called her.
Once again, I was over reacting. It's one of their patterns. Sorry, but it is.
If I had had a MIL and FIL who went all out for my kids, I'd have rejoiced!! It would have thrilled me for the kids and would have been a comfort to me just knowing others cared.
My grandfather was elderly at the time and would come by every day with sticky do-nuts for the kids. I know do-nuts are not good for them but to me, it was his way of showing how much he loved them.
I wish I had him back today!!! :'(
Hey! What's wrong with candy?? LOL! I still do that with my GS, and proud of it! He loves to go grocery shopping and pick out what "he" likes to eat too! Grandmother's are supposed to spoil their GC, right? :)
Yes, Coco...that's what we're for~~~!! :) Spoiling good.
That's what I thought, Chickie! I'm glad you agree! ;D ;D
I also bought a crib and fixed a room up for my first GC , and I bought a car seat too. I never even thought about how dil would feel...she probably didn't like it at the time. When she had her second child (not my son's) and they all ended up living with me for a while...all the extra things I bought were needed.
I had my grandson yesterday and today. We had chocolate donuts for breakfast today. lol....I love spoiling him. 8)
I'm sure they will be guest1. You did the right thing...for the right reason...for yourself.
I agree with penstamen , "If it doesn't make you smile, get rid of it!"
Anna, that's hard to imagine, but I would have been upset too. I wouldn't know what they could be thinking. I wonder if they realized if you "really" had an emergency, you would have had to put the kids in the car with no car seats. Did you have a car there, or was it wilderness... "Like bear food?" I'm lost. Did you talk to them about it? I'm sorry, I guess I don't understand their thinking either...
If it was me, they would have had a hard time leaving to go shopping again. I might offer to pick the items they needed for them, since they didn't trust me with car seats. At least the chidren would be safe! ;)
Boy, it sure takes a lot of energy to be that kind of DIL :) All the manuevering around to control so many situations, it wears me out just reading about it!
You'd think they'd want the kids to be safe. The car seats stay with the kids, that's what I always thought.
When I found out my DD was expecting I bought my own pack-n-play, high chair, swing, bouncer and carseat. I wanted her never to have to transport a single thing except her LO. I have always kept diapers, formula, bottles, food(when she was smaller) and extra clothes at my house. I didn't "ask" I just did it. My DD has always been grateful she didn't have to pack when she comes to visit or I have her DD(I have been her dcp for the last six months, she is 28 months).
I also kept toys and games for all three grandkids(the LO, 12 yr old GD and 9 yr old GD). I didn't buy as much with the older two because I did not keep them as much(for several reasons)
I would have been thrilled for my parents or my kids other grandparents to have spent 10% of what I have.
I have also bought all of the kids Easter ourfits from their first Easter. Make my own Easter baskets from the bunny and Santa always leaves a stocking at Nonna's(me) house. I am so lucky with my DIL and DD. FDIL, well we will see. As picky and difficult as she has been about the wedding and such I am betting this one will be the exception in our family.
JKM, you sound like a loving grandma, and I'm glad your efforts are appreciated. Maybe FDIL will follow along since she's seeing how wonderful it can be. My MIL sent handmade Easter dresses, sweaters, quilts and stuffed animals, and my kids (all grown) still cherish them. I appreciated it so much! Her presents added so much to my kids feeling loved and special. I'm sure she would have set up a nursery at her house if we'd been frequent visitors, but too bad for all we lived days away.
But I know not all DILs see it the same way. What we see as loving they see as threatening or overbearing. We really should suss it out first!
Got the perfect gifts next holiday or birthday for them Anna!
Hearing aids! ;D
Anna, have you ever discussed this with son and DIL? Just nicely ask them why they did that with the car seats....I wonder, if, DIL is really uncomfortable with the way one of you drives...? Did you ever think about that? Was she as a child, or teenager, or adult, ever in an accident?
Just wondering?
I was in several accidents, since I was a child...all toll, I think 5, and in most of them I was a passenger in the car...however, the last two, I was driving, and the very last one, the car burt up....so...now, I'm very nervous driving, and I won't drive with other people, if I can't drive I don't go...and I know it sounds crazy, however, that is how it is with me, and due to these accidents, I can tell you, I never allowed my son, when a baby, to drive with anyone except my husband and myself...I was afraid....and to this day, still am....it's a reason you may want to look into...perhaps that is why she does that????
Honestly, I would ask them both about this, when your all together...it might be something very honest and something she fears...? Maybe she fears the way you rdrive or your hubby drives...she may not want to tell you that....however, I've driven with some people who rides the tail of other cars...and it scares me to death...or is heavy on the gas peddle....it may not be anything your doing wrong, however, it may frighten her b/c you don't drive like she does...
I would seriously ask them...after discussing things with my DIL, I really understand how we all perceive things differently...and lacking communication, leaves the mind open to wonder and become very offended, when in fact, if you'd ask, you may really understand that even though you may disagree, you can understand her reason for it.
Communication is a huge problem in our world today...and then we start to assume all kinds of things that are not even true...
you, Anna, have a right to ask...just please don't get upset when they give you an answer...try to be open to they're way of thinking without taking offense.
Just some thoughts you might want to explore?
Hugs
Creme
Quote from: Anna on March 15, 2010, 04:50:56 AM
My hubby has never been involved in an accident, ok, there was that one time when he slid into a snowbank. He has been driving for over 30 years & has a safe driving record. He doesn't drink or take any medication. I don't drive, so when we have our gc he does all the driving. Yes we have talked to son about. There is no reason, other than dils need for control. She does not trust, wants to know where we are every second if her children are with us. We can't even go to the corner store, which is about 30 seconds away by car, without her freaking out if we didn't ask permision first. That means calling her at work to ask if we can. I have asked son if he trusts us when we have his children with us & he said yes, 100%. It doesn't matter to him where we take our gc, or what we do. He knows that we would protect them with our lives if need be. He, after all, was raised by us, so he knows. You would think that after 3 1/2 years of taking care of my gc, that dil would trust us 100% too.
Your son may know Anna, and, you may be the safest drivers in the world, however, I'm trying to explain to you, that until you ask your DIL about this, not son, but DIL, your going to surmise it is her being controlling, however, it may be her worrying...while your son knows you, and knows how safe you are, your DIL does not...I'm not siding with her, but actually trying to help you to see what I couldn't see...
I have a girlfriend, who had her son in the car...in a car seat in the back seat...however, when she turned a corner, her son had gotten out of the car seat and opened the car door, fell out of the car and she ran over him and killed him with her back wheel...
I have a phobia about sharks, however, I love the water....
maybe something bad happened to DIL that you don't know about, and it's not you she's paranoid about, it's the worry of something happening, due to an experience she had....in nother words, she would be that way with everyone perhaps?
It sure wouldn't hurt to talk to her, and understand....
I don't care how safe a driver anyone is, Anna, I can't drive with people due to my experiences...and what you might regard as a safe driver, scares her? I dunno, but it sounds to me like there is a phobia there on her part?
Oh wow, Creme! Not to but in and I agree, but I have a phobia about sharks. Knew a girl who was attacked in the water and to this day part of her arm is missing. Even though I lived "ON" the beach, I wouldn't let the kids go in the water past ankle deep. I didn't go in the water. This girl I knew was a teenager (surfer) when it happened. I'm not sure, but my theory is that girls and women have a "blood" smell the sharks can pick up on, even before they have that time of the month. I believe it starts smelling to the sharks before that, sometimes when the girls don't even realize it getting ready to come on. None of my girls got to go in the water. I guess I was a bit overprotective, but I had them talk to the girl who was attacked.
Quote from: cocobars on March 15, 2010, 05:29:08 AM
Oh wow, Creme! Not to but in and I agree, but I have a phobia about sharks. Knew a girl who was attacked in the water and to this day part of her arm is missing. Even though I lived "ON" the beach, I wouldn't let the kids go in the water past ankle deep. I didn't go in the water. This girl I knew was a teenager (surfer) when it happened. I'm not sure, but my theory is that girls and women have a "blood" smell the sharks can pick up on, even before they have that time of the month. I believe it starts smelling to the sharks before that, sometimes when the girls don't even realize it getting ready to come on. None of my girls got to go in the water. I guess I was a bit overprotective, but I had them talk to the girl who was attacked.
yup, I feel the same way as you do...about sharks, and driving in cars...I know it's a phobia, but that last accident I was in was a dossie...my entire van burdt up...and after that, I wouldn't let anyone take my child in the car....not because I didn't trust them, however, I don't trust other drivers....I've seen way to many accidents, and I know I was being way over protective, but I was afraid...and still am today...I don't go a lot of places, I'd like to go, b/c I fear driving..and that is awful...cuz I'm missing so much...
same with sharks....i fished most of my life, both fresh water and the sea....I've talked to many surf fisherman...those sharks are right there in the surf...I've encountered them twice in my life time...while in the water, and as much as I love the water...I know a shark can swim in 2 feet of water, therefore, I'm not going in....
Quote from: Anna on March 15, 2010, 04:50:56 AM
My hubby has never been involved in an accident, ok, there was that one time when he slid into a snowbank. He has been driving for over 30 years & has a safe driving record. He doesn't drink or take any medication. I don't drive, so when we have our gc he does all the driving. Yes we have talked to son about. There is no reason, other than dils need for control. She does not trust, wants to know where we are every second if her children are with us. We can't even go to the corner store, which is about 30 seconds away by car, without her freaking out if we didn't ask permision first. That means calling her at work to ask if we can. I have asked son if he trusts us when we have his children with us & he said yes, 100%. It doesn't matter to him where we take our gc, or what we do. He knows that we would protect them with our lives if need be. He, after all, was raised by us, so he knows. You would think that after 3 1/2 years of taking care of my gc, that dil would trust us 100% too.
I agree with you Anna. After all this time, all the care you have given your grandchildren, almost everyday...for over 3 years....is time enough. Your dil has no reason not to trust you or your husband.
Anna, I don't think your understanding what I was trying to explain....
ok, I'm not defending your DIL, what I'm trying to get you to see is this...
Lets forget your DIL is very immature and controlling for a moment...
I was not suggesting your husband is a bad driver, or takes meds, or drinks....
What I was trying to explain to you, and I understand, where your DIL is involved, this does not hold true, I didn't realize she was so bad....however...
Say, I'm driving from site to site for work purposes....with my boss....he's a great guy, however, hthe way he drives makes me sick to my stomach, plus he has a heavy foot. I probably drive way to slow, however, I don't feel safe driving with him...he steps on the accelerator, then lets off, then steps on the accelerator, then lets off...it's not a steady smooth drive...he is not drinking, he does not take drugs, nor has he ever had an accident...it's the way I perceive his driving...while other co-workers don't mind the way he drives....
and if your DIL were simply being a bit immature, I would further try to help you understand what I'm trying to say here....but she's not...so it wouldn't be applicable...
Anna, what I was trying to say is, there are just people I would rather not drive with or feel safe with...which is my personal perception, doesn't mean my boss did anything wrong...it's just that I don't feel safe with the way he drives....
and I was merely suggesting that perhaps that was your DIL's problem...I do know better now...and hope you understand, I wasn't trying to suggest your husband is a bad driver..but your used to his driving, others may not be...people from work drive with me, most think I'm a good driver, however, my cousin hates to drive with me, she says she is not comfortable driving with me, b/c I fear driving 70 MPH on interstates....and that is her perception of my driving...so, when we go away together, I let her drive...although, I'm very uncomfortable to, b/c I've been in so many accidents over my life....and I've driven with some excellent drivers, however, I don't have control over the car, so when I'm not driving I am uncomfortable, big time.
Do you understand what I was trying to say?
Thanks so much Anna for understanding....
I was wondering....while reading your post...have you ever sat DIL down and had a heart to heqart with her...? Asking her why? I know that her inability to allow you to take her comes off like she doesn't trust you...however....perhaps if you sat her down and listened to her, you'd be shocked....
I tell you true, and I know we're not the same, neither are our DIL's...however, let me tell you, the honesty that came out in our conversation was an eye opener....what happened is, we got off on the wrong foot, then everything that happened after that escalated...and I must tell you, when she didn't want me to potty train my GD, yes, it hurt my feelings...and I fought it, b/c I was bound and determined I was right, however, I was not right Anna....she is the mother...and regardless of how ridiculous her rules may seem, there is a reason and it probably isn't you...but your taking it personal like I did....and please understand, I'm trying to help and mean this in all care and love...I just wish everyone could get along...and I think a lot of times, not all, but a lot of times, so many of these issues could be avoided....
From now on I'm allowing my DIL to take the lead...that is her home, her daughter and her hubby, and I respect that...and her rules, even if they are not my rules...I remember being young once, and being over protective of my son when he was young, say a toddler....there are so many sickos out there, and all it takes is one second for a happy moment to turn sour. Granted, I understand your feelings...I do...but I'm just wondering what would happen if just you and she shared stories...and you adopted the idea, that yanno, she may not be right all the time, but neither am I. when I started to accept that, is when things started to change...
Quote from: cremebrulee on March 16, 2010, 09:49:29 AM
Thanks so much Anna for understanding....
I was wondering....while reading your post...have you ever sat DIL down and had a heart to heqart with her...? Asking her why? I know that her inability to allow you to take her comes off like she doesn't trust you...however....perhaps if you sat her down and listened to her, you'd be shocked....
I tell you true, and I know we're not the same, neither are our DIL's...however, let me tell you, the honesty that came out in our conversation was an eye opener....what happened is, we got off on the wrong foot, then everything that happened after that escalated...and I must tell you, when she didn't want me to potty train my GD, yes, it hurt my feelings...and I fought it, b/c I was bound and determined I was right, however, I was not right Anna....she is the mother...and regardless of how ridiculous her rules may seem, there is a reason and it probably isn't you...but your taking it personal like I did....and please understand, I'm trying to help and mean this in all care and love...I just wish everyone could get along...and I think a lot of times, not all, but a lot of times, so many of these issues could be avoided....
From now on I'm allowing my DIL to take the lead...that is her home, her daughter and her hubby, and I respect that...and her rules, even if they are not my rules...I remember being young once, and being over protective of my son when he was young, say a toddler....there are so many sickos out there, and all it takes is one second for a happy moment to turn sour. Granted, I understand your feelings...I do...but I'm just wondering what would happen if just you and she shared stories...and you adopted the idea, that yanno, she may not be right all the time, but neither am I. when I started to accept that, is when things started to change...
Has anyone told you lately that being happy is very becoming on you! I hope you're smiling!