He's seeing a counsellor but doesnt seem to do anything, just alittle calmer as he always has a bad temper throwing furniture around and trying to kill himself by jumping out the window. I'm scared and at my wits end because i'm scared for him and feel I've driven him to this. Our lives not been easy, his dad not in contact since he was 5 years old. He hates his father and blames me for everything. I've made mistakes in the past but as a single mum trying to be everyone for my kids and no support from family or friends its hard. I'm doing my best but he says I was never there for him. I guess that bit it true as I've just been working hard and when i'm home I'm exhausted. He expects to me come home straight away and be in the mood to discuss everything as soon as i step through the door. I'm exhausted. Ive tried to make time for him but he just grunts at me and can be very rude.
Sometimes I feel like giving up as I'm mentally exhausted too, i feel why i'm carry on if he doesnt even respect me. But i carry on for my little one. He's also told me about his sexuality, something I always felt scared for him as i'm scared he may be teased or be hurt by people who will take advantage of him. I sometimes feel that i wish he was dead because he's made me suffer enough. I feel i'm so awful to think this as he always makes me suffer. He always says he's going to kill himself so I think just do it and end this suffering. He talks about the hate he has for the world and he wants to kill people, i'm scared. I'm at a lost as I'm trying to seek help for him but the mental health system is joke, always having to fight for a psychologist to see him. He is very messed up, he's tried to run away and sometimes I'm thinking maybe i should let him but I'm scared because he mmay get raped or sleeping in the streets, i dont want that. I want him to have a safe place to go even if he doesnt want anything to do with me. I keep having these nightmares and wake up crying, I'm not coping very well.