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Gulp....here goes...my first ever post.

DD is almost 8 months old. I come home from work last night and DH says, "My mom asked about a birthday party for DD, and if she was allowed to come." (Why would she think she wasn't allowed to come?). I said, "Okay, and?" DH says, "I told her she could certainly come. She said that was great; she looked at the calendar and decided we should have the party on the Saturday after DD's birthday, and she's sending an e-mail out to all of her family."

Um...what? Help. I'm seething. Her date for the party does coincidentally jive with the one I was planning on, so I don't think I can take issue with that. I just got lucky with that, I'll worry more about that problem when she picks the date next year.  But...I wasn't inviting my *Ants* (that's for you Laurie) and Uncles, nor DH's Aunts and Uncles. What kind of party am I supposed to have now? I planned on it being GPs and great GPs (DH's included) only, with a symbolic invitation to my brother and family and DH's brother and family who wouldn't dream of trekking a few thousand miles for that with kids and wife in tow.

I bit my tongue. I had some chocolate this morning. I'm not sure which direction to take. Thoughts? I did the math: my Aunts and Uncles, plus his equals well over 100 people. I can't afford all of that fried chicken! Even if I just invite his family...it's 47 people. That's too many. I'm not a Real Housewife of Philadelphia! I just can't stomach investing all that effort/time/money into a first birthday party.

Oh gee, for lack of a better comment! First of all I think MIL over stepped her bounds! It should be YOUR choice as to date and who is or is not invited to dd birthday party (and your spouse also of course!). I would not feel obligated to provide a fried chicken meal for all those folks either. This party is about your child right? If MIL thinks all those people should be invited, I would let her know SHE can provide food for them! Cake and ice cream alone for that many people will be a costly venture. I am a MIL, and I would never behave this way. However, I have a DIL that does not allow me or our side of the family to my grandaughters birthday parties, but her family gets nto be at every one. I have been to one party for my 12 year old drandaughter, and one for other that will be five this month. Sad how there are such variations in family behavior huh? Sorry you are dealing with this, and I think I would be considering letting MIL know boundaries are being crossed. Best of luck with the party. Keep us posted on updates please!!!

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 06:07:56 AM
Gulp....here goes...my first ever post.

DD is almost 8 months old. I come home from work last night and DH says, "My mom asked about a birthday party for DD, and if she was allowed to come." (Why would she think she wasn't allowed to come?). I said, "Okay, and?" DH says, "I told her she could certainly come. She said that was great; she looked at the calendar and decided we should have the party on the Saturday after DD's birthday, and she's sending an e-mail out to all of her family."

What's to sweat?  Your DH and MIL are planning a big party.  Ask them where it will be and what everyone will be wearing, because you want to go out and buy a new outfit for it. 

Sit back and let DH get himself out of this.  He is the one who got himself into it - although clearly he thinks MIL is getting YOU into it.  Hahahahaha!  That's what I would tell him.

P.S. 

You can't have a party that big at your house, because DD is going to get stressed and fussy, and she will need a quiet place to crash.

I have heard that McDonalds will do something that large.

A June birthday?  Pass this on to DH, as he is planning it.  I recommend renting a pavilion at a local park and telling all the relatives it will be a dish-to-pass.

As of right now, Holliberri, your job is done.  How about a nice long shower or hot tub?

Seasage, you're too much. I totally agree - Holli, put the responsibility back on DH & MIL. I know it will still be hard to witness the big to-do that you didn't want, but at least you won't have to put out any effort towards it.

I think that's exactly what I will do. We're skyping tomorrow...this should be a hoot!

One small problem with the state park...no alcohol allowed. I will have to come plied already! 

Are birthdays this big of a deal or am I alone in trying to keep it simple?

Quote from: seasage on February 05, 2011, 08:46:10 AM

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 06:07:56 AM
Gulp....here goes...my first ever post.

DD is almost 8 months old. I come home from work last night and DH says, "My mom asked about a birthday party for DD, and if she was allowed to come." (Why would she think she wasn't allowed to come?). I said, "Okay, and?" DH says, "I told her she could certainly come. She said that was great; she looked at the calendar and decided we should have the party on the Saturday after DD's birthday, and she's sending an e-mail out to all of her family."

What's to sweat?  Your DH and MIL are planning a big party.  Ask them where it will be and what everyone will be wearing, because you want to go out and buy a new outfit for it. 

Sit back and let DH get himself out of this.  He is the one who got himself into it - although clearly he thinks MIL is getting YOU into it.  Hahahahaha!  That's what I would tell him.

This.  All of this.

Natural consequences, Holli. 

If DD is 8 months old and the party (I presume) is for her first birthday, you still have 4 months.  I agree with everyone here.  If your MIL decided to stick her big nose into this, then she's on the hook for it all, as far as I'm concerned.  Send her a nice email and tell her you're very happy that she's taking this on, as you would have simply planned a small affair - not having her resources.  That will definitely put her on notice that you are expecting her to pick up the entire tab.  Then ask her where she's having it so that you can be sure to be there on time.  Don't offer to do anything or pay for anything.  After the party, make sure you tell her (when DH is standing there), "Thank you very much, this was a pretty big affair for DD's first birthday.  However, in the future, please let us take care of the birthday parties.  I'm sure this cost you quite a bit and, actually, we prefer small events."

Somehow, I have a feeling that when MIL figures out that you've put everything on her, she might not be so willing to go out on that tree branch by herself.

Are bdays a big deal?  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

I never thought so.  I mean, I like to plan kiddie parties.  But adult?  We can go out for drinks or to eat or something.

DH's family?   Heeeeeeeee.....I feel like a 5 year old.  All day party for ADULTS.  Complete with kiddie bday games.  OMG, I'm not kidding.  And when I first started getting involved in DH's fam...well, I treated them like everyone else.  Most of the time invites were last minute so I usually already had plans and would decline like a normal person.  But oh heck no, MIL wasn't having that.  I was just supposed to know that their bday was coming up and keep my schedule clear to participate all day.  Nuts. 

Since she didn't have the courtesy to talk to you, probably knowing DH would be a softie, she butted right in, where she had no right to.  Basically, tell DH this isn't what you were thinking at all.  That 4 months ahead of time is RIDICULOUS, and unless she's paying for the whole thing, she doesn't get to plan this.  This is YOUR baby, it's not up to her to plan a party for YOUR child.  She way over stepped her bounds, I would make sure I held DH as the responsible one to tell her this.  Period. NOT up for debate.  If it comes up again, you can call her, let her know next time she's planning something for YOUR children, she needs to call YOU.   YOUR the wife and woman of the house.  She totally and completly overstepped her bounds.  I'm mad for you.

Basically, she tried to beat you to the punch so to speak, to get her way.  Very manipulative.

I would simply give her a call -today- and explain to her that you and your dh will be making out the guest list for any party that you will be giving your child... I would tell her that without a doubt that she will be invited but that you have no intentions of inviting the entire extended family.. I'd let her know that you are aware of the mention of her sending out invitations and that this is simply not her place, once again I'd reiterate that this is your event.  And because I'm a ahhhh not a nice person sometimes.. I would tell her that the date that she try to set will not work, once again not her place to decide.. so what if you decide on that date a month before the event when you send out the invites.

While throwing the whole thing into her lap might be tempting.. she will most likely love the idea and will be your full time party planner in the future.  I say nip it and hard. Oh and hubby wouldn't be getting any tonight either. 

Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 09:26:33 AM
Are bdays a big deal?  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

I never thought so.  I mean, I like to plan kiddie parties.  But adult?  We can go out for drinks or to eat or something.

DH's family?   Heeeeeeeee.....I feel like a 5 year old.  All day party for ADULTS.  Complete with kiddie bday games.  OMG, I'm not kidding.  And when I first started getting involved in DH's fam...well, I treated them like everyone else.  Most of the time invites were last minute so I usually already had plans and would decline like a normal person.  But oh heck no, MIL wasn't having that.  I was just supposed to know that their bday was coming up and keep my schedule clear to participate all day.  Nuts.

I'll set on the bench with you Pam.  I feel the same way.

For the kids when they were very little...we'd just do cake and either invite the gps over or not.  My mom would always have a cake for them at her house sometime before or after their birthday.  (Still does.)

As they've gotten older...they have parties where they invite their little friends from school.  That's it.  We don't invite any other family to them.  I just don't see the need for it.

By the same token...I'm not interested in going to someone elses party for their small child or even their child at all.  Some cake?  Maybe.  A party?  No thanks.  To me that's more of a hellish ordeal than a good time.

Yeah...I know.  Many think I'm a grinch.  I'm cool w/it.   :)

Mariatobe, I read your first sentence, "Since she didn't have the courtesy to talk to you, probably knowing DH would be a softie, she butted right in, where she had no right to." and that struck a cord.  My DIL seldom to never picks up the phone or emails me.  Everything is routed through DS.  Taking my cue directly from her, I always call or email DS when I have a question or comment.  I think it's silly and I'd prefer just to call and ask her, but then I don't want that to be another sticking point with her, i.e., "Your mom always calls me."  (And no, I rarely, rarely ever call or email, but I can hear her now.)

I guess my question would be, holliberri, does your MIL always call your hubby, do you have regular conversations with her or is everything routed through him?  Just another perspective that occurred to me.

I think your MIL has a nerve to want to take over this special occasion, your baby's first birthday. By all means let her foot the bill for a big family party, but you and your DH and baby have a special celebration, with cake and lots of pictures, for just the three of you, maybe on her actual birthday.

We can be grinches together, 1Glitterati.  I don't really get into other little kids parties either.  I do like buying them gifts but forced interaction?  Ugh

Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 11:33:49 AM
We can be grinches together, 1Glitterati.  I don't really get into other little kids parties either.  I do like buying them gifts but forced interaction?  Ugh

;D I thought about it the other day and came to the conclusion that while I like my own kids (duh!), I'm not nearly so hot on other people's children when they are little.

I have nothing but awe, respect, and a touch of horror when I think of nursery school, kinder, and elementary school teachers.  I tend to think (maybe because mine were messy little boys) that small children are wet, sticky, frequently snotty, koolaid/juice stained and they always want to touch you.  Kind of makes me shudder to think of 10 or 15 or 20 of them bearing down on me at one time.

Expectations are a huge thing for people.  I think many people (all of us in fact) don't necessarily think about if our expectations line up with those of other peoples or that they think about if their expectations line up with ours.  We just make assumptions, and the miscommunication goes from there.

On the flip side...people have their feelings hurt easily so sometimes we don't want to make our expectations know.  I'm sure all of us have those family members who are just hurt if we don't send a birthday card, or call on the birthday, or make a big deal of anniversaries, etc.  Trying to explain to them that something like that doesn't even register on our radar is seen as being hateful and mean and uncaring.

My mom was a very creative person and would throw really cool birthday parties for us. We picked the theme and she made it happen. They weren't expensive, just great fun for our friends (we could invite the same number of guests as our age.) Sometimes she would invite a couple of adult friends. She could make cakes to match any theme and was willing to set up games and activities with great prizes and favors as well. We also got to choose a favorite dish for our birthday dinner.

I tried to do a little of that with my kids because it was a cherished part of my childhood, but I couldn't replicate it exactly. There were a couple of remarkable (yet inexpensive) parties that are talked about to this day. It would have been annoying to me if my MIL tried to take over...it was my special gift to my child.

I remember throwing a birthday party for my oldest son and decided to hire a clown to entertain them.  I just looked in the yellow pages and called.  On the day of the party, here comes the clown.  The guy was in a wheelchair.  No, I have absolutely nothing against the disabled; unfortunately my house (which he never asked about on the phone) was a split entry at the time.  You walked in and went either up the stairs or down - and this guy can't do either.  I was so mad, as it was raining and everything was set up in the basement.  I didn't want to yell at him in front of all these kids, and I couldn't very well toss all the kids outside in the rain and expect him to entertain in the rain - it was a nightmare.  I had to call some neighbors (men) to help carry him downstairs, then they had to come back to carry him up.  I understand the guy probably didn't want to tell anyone he's in a wheelchair, because I'm sure it would have cost him jobs, but he should have been honest.  There are other reasons that people need to know - like they simply don't have a home adapted for that.

Wow a wheelchair bound clown.. what are the chances on that one :)

1Glitterati, lol.  I can't imagine being a teacher either. 

But speaking of which, we have another kids bday party coming up next weekend.  DH is insisting I either take back the gift I got the kid or get an ok with his mother about the gift. 

Would you guys be upset about a live frog habitat?

I just became the legal guardian for my son's two pet rats.. do you think frogs would bother me?

Hah.  Did you see that recent Hoarders episode?  I never thought much about rats before and while I think the guy was a freak, it did make me think of rats in a whole new light.  They seemed ok as pets.  I mean, not like 2 thousand of them.  But one or two...maybe.

No I missed that, and there are only 2 of these marshmallow eating clowns.. they are in their cage unless I let them out for some exploring but only in my utility room and only when I'm there to supervise.. who knows they could mistaken my washer hose for a long undivided marshmallow.

We have been wondering on other threads why our kids seem to be moving in the direction of entitlement, right? Well, this party being planned by the most insensitive person I have heard of in a long time...sounds like it is going to be bigger than the party for my grandson when he graduated for law school! Give me a break!

Tell her there's been a misunderstanding and you haven't formed any plan yet since being eight is great but you don't see it as a major bench-mark in your daughter's life. Tell, her also, that your daughter will have a lot of input when the time comes to plan it and that you will be sure to invite her. Ask her to rescind her invitations so as not to be embarrassed later, since you at yet don't even know the time or location.  Sending love...

Yeah be careful.  That's how this guy got started.  He only had 3 but they got out and went into the wall and started mating.  They caught something like over 2 thousand by the time the Hoarders team got involved and after they left his update said he caught something like 400 more.  And there was still more left lol.

Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 12:50:44 PM
But speaking of which, we have another kids bday party coming up next weekend.  DH is insisting I either take back the gift I got the kid or get an ok with his mother about the gift. 

Would you guys be upset about a live frog habitat?

I remembered my little bro having an ant farm, so dd got one for a friend's b-day.  It was the hit of party!  All the boys were hovering over it.

No StillTryen, I don't call her except when DH was deployed and she needed updates. I do send her links to things via e-mail/photos of DD weekly, and she always e-mails/calls DS about them (except the photos-no one knows except for her that I do that).

But, I am there at every Skype session, always on a Sunday. It's not one on one with her, but DH is there too. I mean, I don't call her, but I "see" her near weekly.

My GD will be one in two weeks time ...
When I asked what they were planning for her birthday ,I was told my DIL mom is planning a party at her house , and you are welcome to come .
Thanks ,but you know I'll be working that day . !
I have asked them to come and visit another day near her birthday so we can give her presents etc ..
A little bit of thought and tact goes a long way .

Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 12:50:44 PM
1Glitterati, lol.  I can't imagine being a teacher either. 

But speaking of which, we have another kids bday party coming up next weekend.  DH is insisting I either take back the gift I got the kid or get an ok with his mother about the gift. 

Would you guys be upset about a live frog habitat?

I'd probably want to know about that one beforehand.

Isn't that the thing where you get the habitat and then have to send off through the mail for the tadpole?

I could put off sending for it and hope the boy forgot about it...lol.

Holli - please don't let MIL plan your DD's first birthday party.  That is setting yourself up for a HUGE disappointment and lots of future resentment when you think back to it.  It also sets a precedent with MIL.

BUT it doesn't have to turn into a fight (except maybe with DH).  What was he thinking?  From "can I come?" to "who else can I invite?" - that's being given an inch and taking a mile.  And that's just WRONG.

So, if I were you, I would tell DH that he'd better call MIL back and explain that YOU AND DH will be deciding on a guest list for the party, WHEN you're ready.  You can even say that you agree on the date, what a good idea!

You should also talk to DH and tell him that if he can't fix this, in a way that makes YOU and MIL happy (so not throwing you under the bus and also not insulting her), then HE won't be invited to the party.  But seriously, can't he see that it's situations like this that make you want to avoid MIL?  And it's HIS fault?  If he had said something right away, saying "WHAT? Why would YOU invite anyone?" the issue would have been dealt with and you wouldn't be mad.  AND to top it off, you're going to spend the next 4 months fretting over it.

UGH - I feel so bad for you.

Well....DH asked me to switch classes for that semester so he could have a class with his favorite professor.

He told me to take Saturday classes...so it doesn't look like I will even be at the party now. He hasn't thought about it, but if the party comes up during the Skype session, I will nicely remind him why that date won't work for me. Hopefully, that'll send red flags up for everyone.

Then I am explaining that DD may mean the world to me, but this isn't the Event of the Year and setting the stage for over the top birthday bashes isn't something I want to do.

Once again, minimalist meets excess. I know why MIL wants to be included, but it's hard to do when she takes over. I had every intention of her coming up the day before and helping me with a few balloons and tables, and picking up the cake. It just seems like it's not enough for her.

I asked DH if he had a party like this ever and he said no. I left it at that.

Quote from: Laurie on February 05, 2011, 10:59:16 AM
I would simply give her a call -today- and explain to her that you and your dh will be making out the guest list for any party that you will be giving your child... I would tell her that without a doubt that she will be invited but that you have no intentions of inviting the entire extended family.. I'd let her know that you are aware of the mention of her sending out invitations and that this is simply not her place, once again I'd reiterate that this is your event.  And because I'm a ahhhh not a nice person sometimes.. I would tell her that the date that she try to set will not work, once again not her place to decide.. so what if you decide on that date a month before the event when you send out the invites.

While throwing the whole thing into her lap might be tempting.. she will most likely love the idea and will be your full time party planner in the future.  I say nip it and hard. Oh and hubby wouldn't be getting any tonight either.

DITTO .... IMHO  allowing MIL to "run the show",  will backfire sooner than later!

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 01:58:53 PM
Well....DH asked me to switch classes for that semester so he could have a class with his favorite professor.

He told me to take Saturday classes...so it doesn't look like I will even be at the party now. He hasn't thought about it, but if the party comes up during the Skype session, I will nicely remind him why that date won't work for me. Hopefully, that'll send red flags up for everyone.

Ahhh no way any of this would fly with me... You and dh are the only ones that NEED to be with her.  DH was wrong on this one, and he has to know better then to just open the door to your lives and let his mom waltz in.  Still I would not sit back and ask him to fix this.. I'd call her and speak directly with her... if you are really uncomfortable with that come skype time you can say it.. while your dh is talking hold signs up behind him saying "no party" "you had no right to send invites" whatever it takes.  And then I wouldn't mention it again until the time got closer... yeah your dh let you down on this one, but it's fixable..

Oh, there's no way I am missing her party. That date just won't work-he had me switch my classes.

So, if the date stands, it comes at direct odds with his plans all of a sudden.

I am speaking up about it on Skype, right in front of him. That way, I didn't cry and moan to him beforehand, and we are ALL on the same page. My words can't get twisted and since I will be doing the talking he won't bein the middle, just uncomfortable. The only thing I risk doing is putting a damper on the mood of the conversation. My body language and tone should help with any possible miscommunication.

If she cries....I am using Luise's advice and saying that problems aren't solved in the emotional arena and I will be happy to talk about it when she's in a better frame of mind.

Yeah make sure she doesn't have a mouthful of her sandwich when you make your stance.. the old bitty might choke lol... oh gosh what a horrible thought watching someone choke to death on skype.. guess you could slam your monitor up and down a few times and see if that helps.

Oh dear. MIL dies by Skype. That would make me the worst DIL in the world! Let's hpe not...

Rah rah sis boom ba, cut her off at the knees!  Show her the boundaries!  There's no telling how far she might go otherwise!

I am feeling incredibly sick at the thought of this MIL getting her comeuppance.  She will be crying for weeks, just as I did, not knowing why asking to attend her GD's birthday party --- and then OH HORROR! offering to help out a little bit -- should merit such treatment.

I would not talk to my children this way.  Nor would I treat my friends or colleagues in this manner.  And I would not do it to my DIL either.

Your wolf pack frightens me.  I don't belong here.

But maybe I am beginning to see why my DIL has such a hard heart.  It seems to be the mode of this  era.

Seasage, I agree. I believe in erring on the side of kindness, and I think Holli's MIL can be treated with sensitivity and kindness. Holli can make her point w/o creating hurt and anguish.

BTW, I totally agree that Holli's MIL was overly excited about her GD's birthday and overstepped her bounds, but she did so out of love, not out of some evil desire to take over the world. Gentle reminders may do wonders. If MIL is truly heinous, and I don't think this one is, stronger measures may be necessary. But kindness first, please!

Seasage, I agreed with you too.  DH makes a mess, he cleans it up. 

I don't think there's a dog pile here.  Just humor.

Seasage, Pen,

Did either one of you think I wasn't going to be kind? I've always been kind to her. No worries there. I think everyone was saying that I should be addressing this, not going through DH.

And if you've followed my story, MIL cries whenever someone tells her no. She cried when the waiter forgot the umbrella in her drink. Please understand what I am up against, as anytime I make someone cry, I feel bad and backpedal.

Laurie also knows my pet peeve is people eating food on Skype. Considering I will be up all night worrying about hurting her feelings, I"m for certain that I don't actually want to hurt her.

I'm too superficial to use my Skype. How I look at my computer is not how I present myself to family and friends...and I have seen my grandson (big computer game poohbah in France) and my DIL ( married to a fabulous guy in Hawaii) look like something the cat's dragged in. It's all too distracting.  :o

Luise,

I am constantly on Facebook and here, and I text/email friends, but Skype is too much for me personally as well. I find it an invasion of privacy,and DH (painfully shy) goes into monosyllabic mode. He tries to avoid it as much as possible, but it does make the ILs happy so we make do.

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 06:07:56 AM
Gulp....here goes...my first ever post.

DD is almost 8 months old. I come home from work last night and DH says, "My mom asked about a birthday party for DD, and if she was allowed to come." (Why would she think she wasn't allowed to come?). I said, "Okay, and?" DH says, "I told her she could certainly come. She said that was great; she looked at the calendar and decided we should have the party on the Saturday after DD's birthday, and she's sending an e-mail out to all of her family." Um...what? Help. I'm seething. Her date for the party does coincidentally jive with the one I was planning on, so I don't think I can take issue with that. I just got lucky with that, I'll worry more about that problem when she picks the date next year.  But...I wasn't inviting my *Ants* (that's for you Laurie) and Uncles, nor DH's Aunts and Uncles. What kind of party am I supposed to have now? I planned on it being GPs and great GPs (DH's included) only, with a symbolic invitation to my brother and family and DH's brother and family who wouldn't dream of trekking a few thousand miles for that with kids and wife in tow.

I bit my tongue. I had some chocolate this morning. I'm not sure which direction to take. Thoughts? I did the math: my Aunts and Uncles, plus his equals well over 100 people. I can't afford all of that fried chicken! Even if I just invite his family...it's 47 people. That's too many. I'm not a Real Housewife of Philadelphia! I just can't stomach investing all that effort/time/money into a first birthday party.

IMHO Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is waaaaay more than offering to help out a little bit!
BTW I got the joke ;)

Hope you All are having a Great weekend, Hugs :)

No I would not advocate punching her first then talking nicely.. but when you know all to well in advance that you will hurt her feelings no matter what you say or do, your back is against the wall.  That was why I said that my suggestion is to speak directly with her, if she chooses to cry then there isn't much you can do.. but it's guaranteed that she will cry if she gets her initial inkling that  you are not pleased with the situation via skype.. and when you are on camera trying to comprehend that someone does not agree with your excitement, I would think that you'd be more likely to become defensive.  To have it explained even nicely that you've crossed the line, would be embarrassing especially if it was not your intention.. now you get to be embarrassed in front of your dh, ds, and dil..while skyping.

Yes she did overstep her boundaries, your daughter is only one, and I think this is an important lesson for all.  Your dh overstepped his boundaries as well when he decided on your behalf how much value you should put or not put, into arranging your dd's  birthday celebration.  My dh once sold for pennies a dress that was beautifully made for my daughter.. from the moment I saw that dress I knew that I would pass it on to her for her own child.. and he sold it at a garage sale... I was more furious with him taking the liberty to think that he could determine how much value I place in an item or a situation without as much as asking me.

Good points Laurie.  But I believe that is exactly why Holli needs to step out.  She wasn't in the initial conversation, she's not responsible.  Why even pick up the rope?  To me  it is counter productive.  Can DH not adequately guard boundaries or conduct a conversation with his own mother to clarify his own mistake?  The onus is not on Holli. 

Frankly, she's asking for trouble here.  There's a lot of things DH is responsible for that can affect me/our family.  What would it look like if I called his boss every time DH didn't handle his own responsibility?  His a big boy.

Her husband made a boo boo.  Wife doesn't need to clean it up for him.  And if MIL will be truly upset no matter what, no sense in making Holli the scapegoat. 

Pam,

DH doesn't address things well-he backpedals when she cries too. We didn't go to a funeral for our best friends b/c it would hurt MIL's feelings.

Even when he speaks up, she swears I made him do it by strongarming him.

She sees me as the bad guy already. I'm not sure telling him to get out of it would change much.

Sometimes I think I need to accept that I am the villain in ANY scenario.

Maybe this way she won't think DH is just my puppet.

It's hard to say who should initiate the conversation not knowing how laid back of a guy Holli's husband is. He may have not even seen himself as getting bulldozed by his mom to begin with, then reversing it might be hard.  I agree in the perfect world that would be great if dh could speak to his mother, and I'm not saying that he shouldn't if he can.  But before I'd allow another person to take my rightful place in my child's life, I'd step up if need be. 

Unlike the boss at dh's job he doesn't directly effect you, but if that boss told dh that he would be having a party at your house without your input, then yeah you'd have the right to take a stand.

Time for him to learn.  Please don't set a precedent here, my experience didn't go well.  A little growth doesn't hurt anyone.  And personally, from an objective party you are in a more unpleasant situation than he is.

Embrace your bad guy lol.  If she is going to truly think it is you, there is nothing you're going to be able to do to change it.  I dislike doom and gloom but its jmo.

I don't know a whole lot about your sitch, I don't recall any details and I wasn't around too much for awhile or even lurking when I had the medical stuff happen.  So I know I could be really off here -- but a lot your posts come across as a stage in grief to me in regards to your sitch. 

Quote from: Laurie on February 05, 2011, 06:44:43 PM
It's hard to say who should initiate the conversation not knowing how laid back of a guy Holli's husband is. He may have not even seen himself as getting bulldozed by his mom to begin with, then reversing it might be hard.  I agree in the perfect world that would be great if dh could speak to his mother, and I'm not saying that he shouldn't if he can.  But before I'd allow another person to take my rightful place in my child's life, I'd step up if need be. 

Unlike the boss at dh's job he doesn't directly effect you, but if that boss told dh that he would be having a party at your house without your input, then yeah you'd have the right to take a stand.

I'd laugh myself silly and in DH's face if he pulled dinner party at our house with his boss.  Sure, better go cook and clean buddy.

My parents have made a few boo boos, I can't imagine DH coming in and sitting down to discuss with my father his mistake.  How patronizing. 

Or DH's parents trying to have a sit down to correct me over something so inconsequential.  No way. 

The party didn't even happen.  If someone needed reinforcements to discuss a mistake I made, I'd think there was more than a touch of insecurity going on.  They can discuss that party all they like.....lol....

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 05:11:37 PM
Seasage, Pen,

Did either one of you think I wasn't going to be kind? I've always been kind to her. No worries there. I think everyone was saying that I should be addressing this, not going through DH.

And if you've followed my story, MIL cries whenever someone tells her no. She cried when the waiter forgot the umbrella in her drink. Please understand what I am up against, as anytime I make someone cry, I feel bad and backpedal.

Laurie also knows my pet peeve is people eating food on Skype. Considering I will be up all night worrying about hurting her feelings, I"m for certain that I don't actually want to hurt her.

Holli, of course I know you'd be kind. You are very thoughtful and level-headed as well. Seasage seemed upset and I guess I was trying to change the trend of the thread before she decided to leave us.

Holli's mil does sound like she suffers a great amount of insecurities, or she just likes to cry.. I think anything said she'll take personally.  B-day celebrations are happy events, no need for any pushing or pulling.. mil just needs to take a step back, put on the stupid party hat and pitch in when asked.

I don't want to beat a dead horse here but I have a feeling she is thinking but she was asked.  She had a full conversation with one of the parents about it.

However MIL is, I do think it would be kind of embarassing for anyone to have a show of force over something like this. 

I read eight years old, not eight months. What a Duffus! Sorry. (I still think no matter how well-meaning, a tank running over you is still a tank running over you.)

Duffus ... lol .. I don't think I've seen that word used here before

Well, there aren't that many Duffusi around! :o :o

Quote from: luise.volta on February 05, 2011, 07:17:19 PM
I read eight years old, not eight months. What a Duffus! Sorry. (I still think no matter how well-meaning, a tank running over you is still a tank running over you.)

LUISE: When I grow up, I want to be just like you... what a bright,  funny and delightful Lady you are!

Hugs Everyone !

Well, that's sweet. When I grow up, I'll tell you how it all turned out!  ;D ;D ;D

Pam,

I appreciate your input. I don't really think I am in grief over this; half the stuff I just laugh at. More like bewilderment. I'm a problem solver, and there's not much I have encountered that I can't handle. But this--7 years--nothing solved, things worse.

I actually mentioned Seasage's idea about the park pavilion to DH.

He said, "Why? Cake, bbq, beer...done. We can have it here."

I showed him the assumed guest list: 53 people--including me, DH, and my parents, the rest his family. He's pondering that.  I'm playing a bad game here. He might be on my side about this after all, but I still planted that seed.

I'm terribly confused.

What seed did you plant?   

I guess I have always been a old fuddy-duddy  but I've always kept my children's protected from adult events.. I never would have thought to have had a party with my child in honor with adults drinking.. I guess that's odd now that I'm seeing it in writing.  I know when dd played ball in high school.. many of the parents wanted to have after game parties, with lots of drinking, while the girls watched them?  Not that I'm saying that everyone needs to whip out a milk bottle....I tried hard not to give mixed messages when my kids were young.

Now that the baby is 23, we are much more relaxed about social drinking.. we still try to set the example that you don't have to get trashed to have a good time.  LOL I don't know why I felt the need to toss this tidbit of info in.. but I did :)

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 05:11:37 PM
Seasage, Pen,

Did either one of you think I wasn't going to be kind? I've always been kind to her. No worries there. I think everyone was saying that I should be addressing this, not going through DH.

And if you've followed my story, MIL cries whenever someone tells her no. She cried when the waiter forgot the umbrella in her drink. Please understand what I am up against, as anytime I make someone cry, I feel bad and backpedal.

Your posts always show your good heart, holliberri.  I am sure you can find a way to be kind.

As for crying, how about our powerful Speaker of the House John Boehner.  He cries all the time.  Colleagues wait until the tears go, then continue with their discussions.  She is in good company.  I'm sure she hates the tears as much a Boehner, but can't prevent them.  We all wait for a stutterer, wait for a cripple, and now we also wait for Boehner.  Add your MIL.

seasage

hi Holli
Is your MIL actually organising the party or just inviting people ?
My DIL 's mom is hosting my GD 1st birthday party in her own house .
Not sure who instigated what as I only get to know what I'm told .
I got an invite , on a work day !!   hhmmmmm
Now that's something to cry about ...lol

Lancaster - either one is unacceptable don't you think?  She took it upon heself without even checking with the mother.  For all those people who say "don't hurt MIL's feelings"  she brought this on herself.  She needs to be told.  Period.  Yes, it can be done in a nice way.  But MIL may not listen to "nice"  After all, she's steamrolling right over Holli.

Seasage - are you making a political statement on here?  This is not the forum for that.  Please do it somewhere else. 

She's steamrolling with her DH's permission.  I think there's probably many variations of how people feel about bday parties and stuff.  A lot of girlfriends have boundaries over the bday cake and they don't want their mom/mil making it for the grandchild.  I could care less, can't bake anyway.  But whatever, the point is that there is 2 parents here. 

Pam: didn't I just give him ammunition (cost, space) as to why we may not be able to have a party of that size? I will gladly take a different perspective! MIL has a big problem when DH changes plans after talking to me. She sees it as manipulative and a power struggle.

Seasage, I am not going to talk to her about this when she cries, but DH likely will. She has told me that crying (and I really mean sobbing, pouting, and stomping her feet) helps put her back in control of the situation when she fights with FIL; he just gives in. I think this also works with DH. (I kind of find that manipulative).

LL-she also chose the day (which now doesn't work for me as DH changed my school schedule). She's not a great helper. This would be me cooking and decorating alone while feeding her extended family (who I hardly know).

MT-that's not a political statement. I really do appreciate your input, but please let Luise moderate. I think Seasage's example was just pointing out that people cry; fact of life, and she also was telling me how to address it. That's not a big deal.

Holli, I guess if you see it that way.  I don't see the need for ammo though.  A "no" should be good enough.  I don't know how you were told their la di dah plans and didn't say anything outright.  Perhaps you were stunned into silence lol.

I dunno, when someone has crossed a line I think it's just better be clear and direct.  It feels too much like mind reading.  You can't have a party of that size b/c the Mother doesn't want to is good enough, just my opinion.   

If I'd have said "no" it would've been a fight. I probably wouldn't have said "no" calmly then though, so maybe that's the difference. I also didn't say, "I want to talk to you about something..." b/c that starts a fight too. All I said was, "Here's the tentative guest list...here's what I was planning on making and bringing."

It avoided a fight on my end, but I would have preferred him just to see all of the problems with this automatically, when it was mentioned to him on the phone.

I joined a family of indirect talkers. Not used to that.

Ugh, I'm so irritated for you! 

So do you think your DH really wants a party of this size or just likes to go with the flow with his mom? 

Holli,

I think if you express yourself with your mil as you do in your posts, everything will work out just fine.  DH & MIL both got lucky when they got you...

Thanks Rose...typing requires me to introspect though; talking doesn't allow that.

Pam...he got me on board with this minimalist stuff, so I don't think he wants a party of this size. On the other hand, he wouldn't be the one doing the work of putting it together. I could see him just saying yes for that reason; he doesn't really care about who does what, as long as he's not doing that much to plan and put it together. I suppose, I'm a tad more invested in the party than he is.

Quote from: seasage on February 06, 2011, 04:50:18 AM

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 05:11:37 PM
Seasage, Pen,

Did either one of you think I wasn't going to be kind? I've always been kind to her. No worries there. I think everyone was saying that I should be addressing this, not going through DH.

And if you've followed my story, MIL cries whenever someone tells her no. She cried when the waiter forgot the umbrella in her drink. Please understand what I am up against, as anytime I make someone cry, I feel bad and backpedal.

Your posts always show your good heart, holliberri.  I am sure you can find a way to be kind.

As for crying, how about our powerful Speaker of the House John Boehner.  He cries all the time.  Colleagues wait until the tears go, then continue with their discussions.  She is in good company.  I'm sure she hates the tears as much a Boehner, but can't prevent them.  We all wait for a stutterer, wait for a cripple, and now we also wait for Boehner.  Add your MIL.

seasage

I guess I'm so cynical.  I'd be willing to bet that Holliberri's mil doesn't hate her tears.  They're how she's gone through life getting what she wants.

I think she's very lucky that HOlli even lowers herself to deal with that kind of crap.  (Yes...I did say lower.)  Frankly, (but we all already know I'm a witch  :) ) I'd tell her to stop it with that nonsense and not to dare call back until she could act like an adult.  And I'd enforce it, too.  Everytime she burst into tears I'd hang up on her or walk away from her.  If my husband wanted to placate that mess he could find himself in the same situation and he could choose who he wanted more...me or his mom.  Life is too short to have to deal with that type of manipulative crap.

There are tears and then there are tears, IMHO. Some guys, when they get to a "certain age" cry with emotion. I haven't met one that didn't hate it. When it happened to my Dad, the doctor said is was hormonal and we would all just have to get used to it, which we did. (We were never comfortable, however...it's feels too intimate to ignore.)

The MIL is question has probably used tears to manipulate people all of her life. It's a tool and can be very effective. In my generation, (born in the 1920s) it was the accepted way for a woman to get what she wanted. I learned it from my role models but I had a very wise, young husband who said...kindly..."OK, when you're done crying, we'll address this." I got over it rather quickly when I found it didn't work.  ;D ;D ;D

Some people do cry more easily than others, some do it when hormones are off or whatever, some never do. Let's not be judging anyone based on our own crying frequency or lack thereof. I used to tear up as a kid, then stopped as a young to mid-aged adult, and now it's back (drat!)

Manipulation is also a strong word. Did MIL manipulate or thoughtlessly take over due to love and enthusiasm?

My SM is a true manipulator, mind like a steel trap and a cold, cold heart. She plans her nasty attacks in advance and is very punitive. She can wear people out with her incessant, pre-scripted "logic." Is this Holli's MIL? It sounds to me like MIL is just a bit overbearing and excitable. Definitely worth trying to deal with, but with gentle firmness (loving detachment?) rather than with humiliation or harshness.

And some were taught to do it. I was. It was very calculated.

ITA, Glitter.

I've complained on here a lot about MIL never approaching me directly with anything.  Then I remembered the one and only time she tried tears with me....it shocked me.  Nothing to cry about so I blurted out "this is really not that serious" and walked away.  She has not tried again with me.

And the lowering...thats what gets me about this particular sitch.  I'd feel like I was giving someone an audience when they don't have a right to one. 

eta And I'd prefer fighting with someone over having to think so hard and thoroughly about a subject that others created.

Lol, sorry, Pam. : )

Wow.  Ok, MIL definately overstepped her boundaries.  I am sorry, but if my MIL or Mother just started making plans without me about a child's birthday...I would be mad.  And I understand wanting to show her, but I agree with Laurie, you have to make the boundary now or you could be just giving her what she wants.  Free reign and control.

But I have to say, no matter if it was done with good intentions, bad intentions...or whatever, I think your problem here is with DH.  Why could he not have said, "Ok Mom, I have no idea what Holli has in mind, or what dates will be good for her yet, so I will get with her and either get back with you, or she will. "  End of story....sorry.  If MIL pitches a fit on him, that is his to deal with and not accept. 

But it is not fair to you for him or you to have to go back now and say, not so much.  It now looks like he agreed with her and once he talked to you...no go.  Of course you are going to get blamed because now it looks like you changed his mind.  DH should never have given her an answer or let her believe he had by not saying anything to her, without discussing plans with you.

Oh, beautiful hindsight. "Gee, Mom, I don't know what DW has planned, I'll let her know you asked."

Lay it on him!

Why are you sorry? 

You know, it kind of just hit me with this thread.  I see all the time where people say, MIL shouldn't be calling the DS anyway, she should talk directly to the DIL.  I have always personally not been able to understand the big deal with this, as my MIL calls my DH all the time and it doesn't bother me.  She will tell him, "Hey, we are all going to dinner on Saturday at blah blah blah."   But what hit me is, it doesn't bother me because DH always tells her, "I'll check with Pooh and see if we have plans and call you back."  My MIL expects him to check with me and he does, so no problems. 

Pooh,

You may have just hit the nail on the head with my problems. I have no problem with MIL asking DH what our plans are...that's her DS. Makes sense. I don't want to demand that she has to go through me. I also don't want anyone thinking that b/c they've talked to him they have the go-ahead. I just really don't want the plans to have been made without asking me first.  He did say we hadn't thought about it yet, and she took over (we really hadn't started thinking about it--I had things in mind, but no definites). She takes that as in invitation to jump in--and that's not what it is. He never told her that he'd have to talk to me and let me know she was wondering about it. In my mind, that is what should've happened...then he and I'd figure it out, get back to her and ask her to help.

DH definitely didn't do the right thing. The thing is, he didn't even do the right thing if his own self-preservation was what he was going for. Hmmm...

Pam,

LOL, I don't want anyone stressed about my little problem (which as the party hasn't come to pass yet, it is at the moment, little...if not a rather ominous sign of things to come). I'm stressed out about it enough. I don't want you fighting with anyone; I'd rather have you on here enjoying your time with us!

We can really get into it, can't we?

Yes, we can!  It truly made me angry for holli that her MIL would take such liberties!  ARRRRGGGG....Lol

I see nothing wrong with an MIL or Mother wanting to help, but that's what it should be....help.  I would be excited for my GC first birthday too and I could see me saying, "Hey Son, have you guys given any thought to GC upcoming birthday?  I would love to be there and if she needs any help...with anything...let me know."  But to just pick a date and start emailing people....uh...heck no!

I'm with you,
Pooh.

(Poetry.)

Warning:  :o  ::)  ;D

Ladies, reading all the posts I reached the conclusion the GUYS are the ones playing us against each other!
Can you imagine what a powerful team, if DILs and MILs get along;  think about it!
We (DILs & MILs)  know them the best, THE GOOD, THE BAD and THE UGLY!
They don't really want us to team up, that is why they play the Don't see, Don't hear, Don't speak game; whenever is
convenient for them... ;D

Someone please explain them the principle behind the Three Wise Monkeys!

Hugs  ;D

I don't think they're that smart...

Hee hee, or find it easier to play possum.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

OK, so we're now WWU against M ? LOL

Never! It's just fun to poke...

Besides, that wouldn't be fair...they wouldn't stand a chance!

Lol, just kidding.  I love my Man!!!!

We all do too, P.  :D

Lol, Holli.  I took a nap and slept it off.

But seriously, I wouldn't blame anyone for not considering this a little issue. 

DH ultimately felt having a party that big was excessive. We did Skype, and we addressed it together. He didn't want me calling her. We told her we'd love her to come but we weren't looking to make a big to-do over this.

So...she cried. She doesn't really understand why we don't want to make a big deal about this and invite our extended family.  She thinks they should be given a chance to get to know her (we were just with them on New Years, and in August as well for a big family reunion, so DD is forming some sort of relationship with the extended family).

DH told her she doesn't have to understand, but she can certainly help us decorate/cook for the party.

Ladies, for the first time, I don't feel bad that she cried. I don't know about DH, but I'm letting him drink his beer and watch the rest of the Super Bowl. I'm not asking him if he's upset about it. If he's upset she cried, I can't change it, and me knowing that he is will only make me try to placate her.

I can't say it was easy, but it was a lot easier to take because of all of you!  :)

I'd hate to be crying on skype.. especially knowing that someone use the snapshot option.  I'm glad you didn't feel badly about her crying, as the tears really have nothing to do with you.  Besides a 1 year old is not going to remember Uncle Jack anyway.  I'd suggest that maybe grandma gets one of the special decisions for the day.. pick out the cake.. or maybe pick out the outfit for dd to wear.. or maybe pick out  your outfit for the day.. I'm sure there is something.

Laurie...

Is crying on Skype different than crying in person? I'm just curious b/c she cries in person with us A LOT.

I'm not sure there's much difference.

I'll figure out something for her; problem is she notoriously comes up with these grandiose ideas.  We can't even meet her barely half way. When we do throw something her way it just doesn't compete with what she planned on doing.

Her next big idea is a 3 week trip to Madrid. I'd really love to go...but I can't stomach the airfare. She wants to go in May. There's just no way we save up to buy 2 tickets for that by then, and that's 1/2 a semester for both DH and I. Her big ideas are good sometimes, but sometimes they're just out of my price range! This is something I'd actually LIKE to do, but credit card debt makes me nauseous. 

Oh...and Laurie...you just don't strike me as the crying on Skype kind of person.

Ah...and conveniently, there is a family reunion for the list of guestees she intended on inviting not 2 weeks before DD's birthday. So...I haven't mentioned this to DH or her yet, but I'm toying with the idea of going down for that (7 hour trip) and spending the weekend with everyone then. That way they still get to "see" DD. She thinks I'm trying to just eliminate all of that extended family from DD's life. So not true...I'm just not buying gifts for them all, or inviting them to b-day parties. I certainly want DD to know where she comes from, though.

Wait...is guestees a word? Ugh.

Quote from: holliberri on February 06, 2011, 07:10:47 PM
Laurie...
Is crying on Skype different than crying in person? I'm just curious b/c she cries in person with us A LOT.

Well yeah... unless you pull out a camera and take a picture of her crying then I guess there is no difference.. but like that pic I sent to you in pm the other day was taken of my daughter and her dog (the pic that only showed one eye on each) well that was a skype pic that I took of my dd without her knowledge.. I mean I sent it to her after I took it.. oh yeah there is an idea..maybe she doesn't know how she looks to the world when she is crying.. but you know that might be considered mean.. ok don't do that.

Just a thought HB ...is she menopausel ....? Because talk about Niagara Falls !  Makes some ladies very tearful ......me included .....lol

Holli - you should watch Monster In Law.  Jane Fonda pulls the crying trick too.  It's funny and proves a point.  Its all smoke and mirrors to make DS feel guilty. My MIL cries to my husband too.  I find it pathetic and disgusting.  There's nothing to cry about!!   Also, if you WANT MIL to help, fine.  But if you don't want to give her any special jobs, why would you feel obligated?  Because she's playing you.   She's being manipulative, deceitful, and then when it doesn't work out, sheds her fake tears like her feelings have been hurt?!   Come on.  I would say, she has no say, come, have a good time, but it is YOUR daughter and she tried to take the first birthday away from you.  Shame on her!

Quote from: Pen on February 06, 2011, 08:59:23 AM
Some people do cry more easily than others, some do it when hormones are off or whatever, some never do. Let's not be judging anyone based on our own crying frequency or lack thereof. I used to tear up as a kid, then stopped as a young to mid-aged adult, and now it's back (drat!)

Manipulation is also a strong word. Did MIL manipulate or thoughtlessly take over due to love and enthusiasm?

My SM is a true manipulator, mind like a steel trap and a cold, cold heart. She plans her nasty attacks in advance and is very punitive. She can wear people out with her incessant, pre-scripted "logic." Is this Holli's MIL? It sounds to me like MIL is just a bit overbearing and excitable. Definitely worth trying to deal with, but with gentle firmness (loving detachment?) rather than with humiliation or harshness.

I think in HOlliberri's case her mil has actually admitted to crying to try and get what she wants.  (Isn't Holliberri the one who posted her mil admits doing that to fil to get what she wants).

In the case of someone using that particular manipulation tool...I think harshness is appropriate.  If gentle firmness were possible as a working solution--then the person wouldn't be manipulating in the first place.

I know we often see responses differently.  As I get older I just see going along to get along or accepting "that's just the way s/he is" in regards to bad behavior is just enabling and condoning further bad behavior.  I see it as a tool to allow yourself to be stepped on.  No...I'm not going through life itching for a fight, but if someone in my life refuses to "behave" then I just won't be around them.  I'll just remove myself from being around them.

ETA...I don't mean that "behaving" is agreeing with everything I say or want or do.

Glitter,

You're correct, that's my MIL. I really don't think she sees it as manipulation; although that's what it is. She sees everyone as trying to gain the upperhand of her, so she cries, or at least that's how she explained it to me. I think it was very easy for her to do that with FIL and her boys...they'd just play along, after all, she's the DW/DM. But, when you throw other people into the mix (me, SIL, cousins, kids, whoever), it's not going to work.

LL,

She probably is, but her and I've never had a convo about that. She's been doing this since DS was born, according to him. He expected me to cry after our first fight, and I didn't...he couldn't believe that. He thought that was the natural course of things.


MT,

I've seen Monster in Law...we're not that bad! LOL. I know what she tried to do--she did try to take over...but she didn't get to. I don't think I can be mad at her for something she tried to do but didn't get away with. It's no longer affecting me no matter what she wants to do. I think I'd be unfairly piling on her if I continued to be mad.

Yep.. I agree.. it's done and over.. move on... now what my suggestion of letting her do one special thing on that day?  I vote for her picking our your outfit :)

I'm not going that far...haha. I'm hoping she'll like my original plan of helping me pick up the decorations and a design for the birthday cake from my favorite cake place in the world. She can pick whatever she wants in decorations and the cake design. I'm no visionary; so she can do that.

Quote from: holliberri on February 07, 2011, 07:03:59 AM
I'm not going that far...haha. I'm hoping she'll like my original plan of helping me pick up the decorations and a design for the birthday cake from my favorite cake place in the world. She can pick whatever she wants in decorations and the cake design. I'm no visionary; so she can do that.

Hmmm.

If my DIL told me she would allow me to "help pick the decorations and a design for the birthday cake" .....

What would I do?  What would I do? .....

Is that too little Seasage? Should I offer more? Please be honest.

...and remember Seasage isn't your MIL. Oh, if wishes were fishes...

I think that is very generous Holli.

I wasn't offered any part of my GD's 1st Birthday on this coming week , so yes I would be overjoyed to be included doing anything .

If my DIL made that offer to me, it would feel like a dog bone, a consolation prize.  I don't know how I would react, but honestly, I don't want her consolation offers.

What could she do to engage my heart in this enterprise?  Well, she could call me up and ask me about DS's birthday parties - what did he like, what cakes did I bake for him.  Some small talk.  After juicing up my brain and my heart by thinking and talking about DS, and perhaps DGD, if then she were to ask if I wanted to bring the cake, maybe I would be motivated. 

I don't want to be given a little task to perform to make me feel a part of this day.  My kindergarten teacher used to do that.  I want to be treated as a valued part of my DS's extended family. 

(Of course, all this is pure fantasy on my part.  My DIL won't even speak to me.  She won't come to my house and won't allow me to go to hers.  She would immediately leave if my DS brought me home with him.)

I'm just saying that I have a lot of sympathy for MILs who are being schooled to their new boundaries! 

Oh my!  You know it never occurred to me to ask anyone (other than DH) for help with my DD's first birthday party.  Another expectation I had no hope of meeting.

Quote from: Scoop on February 07, 2011, 09:54:34 AM
Oh my!  You know it never occurred to me to ask anyone (other than DH) for help with my DD's first birthday party.  Another expectation I had no hope of meeting.

Nope, nor did I.  I would never have asked my in-laws for help.

But now that I am an in-law, and a not-so-favored one at that, I don't want to be asked to do something trivial, and especially not if it feels like a bone. 

I do want to be asked to attend the party, and I do want to wear the Honored Queen hat. 
;) ;D

I think that's thoughtful, holli, and it shows that you are always willing to "compromise" even on things you don't necessarily have to.  I also don't think it's merely "throwing her a bone," because she doesn't really have a right to have ANY expectations for what she can plan for your child's birthday.  Should she expect to be invited?  Of course.  But that's it.  Anything else that comes her way would be generous.  Therefore, if we remove these expectations that she has to have a certain amount of involvement, ANY task you give her I would hope would be well-received.  If my MIL wasn't happy with the fact that I cared enough to at least give her a task for something that I'd really rather plan myself, I'd tell her never mind and not ask for her involvement again.  But again...it all comes down to the expectations we place on others unfairly.

Hmmm.  I haven't thought about it like that.  I always figured if help was offered, and I gave them something to do, I was saying that I valued them and did want to include them.  I never thought of it as a bone or trivial.  And using your example, when the kindergarten teacher gave me a task, I felt special. 

This is a child's 1st Birthday ....
To be filled with fun, balloons , and cake ..laughter , party games .
how can this be achieved if there is in house fighting .
There is only one star of the show ...and that's the little princess ...the birthday girl .

Quote from: Pooh on February 07, 2011, 10:08:40 AM
Hmmm.  I haven't thought about it like that.  I always figured if help was offered, and I gave them something to do, I was saying that I valued them and did want to include them.  I never thought of it as a bone or trivial.  And using your example, when the kindergarten teacher gave me a task, I felt special.

I agree with you Pooh- but I wonder seasage- why you would deem it as trivial or some sort of consolation prize?  What would your expectations be as to your involvement in planning the birthday party of your son's child?  I honestly don't understand the cynicism, especially when the thought to include MIL is there (even when technically it doesn't HAVE to be).  Just trying to understand...

Seasage,

I appreciate your input, and I'd certainly call her and try to do that, however she doesn't respond to my phone calls, she just calls DH back and asks what I wanted. I don't think I can have a conversation like that with her one-on-one, although it would be nice to, she'd probably love it if I could get her to pick up the phone.  I will also figure out some other ways I can get her to feel included.

I think you are being very thoughtful and caring HB ......
Seeing how I am treated and the way you treat your MIL ....she is very lucky .
Just wish she would stop crying ..!

I know I'm late to the party - but, it's your child.  Plan the party, let the MIL know when it is and hopefully she'll show up.  I will be front and center at my new grandbaby's birthday party, but my daughter (and SIL) would probably kill me if I wanted to make all the plans.  Daughter has enough problems with her MIL that she certainly does not need me to add to her woes. 

I'm sorry, but....why do you feel you have to give your MIL a consolation prize because she didn't get to take over?  My DH and I planned my kids birthday parties, and I was happy to have grandparents come.  They can help when they are there.  Play with your grandchild.  Have fun.  But, I think if you give this woman an inch, she will take a mile.  She will not be content with that and will either try to take over, or totally say no, and then put the guilt on.  Then you'll feel like you have to live up to some expectation which shouldn't have been there in the first place. 
I'm glad your not mad at her.  But I lived through years of this type of behavior with my MIL.  I also felt guilt, and it never ended, only ended up with MIL, if she couldn't get her way, going behind my back.  Speaking from experience, this won't be the last time she tries to take over, she's that kind of a person.  Just have her come and enjoy herself.  If she is not capable of just enjoying the day, then that's her problem.  You've been more than nice, but don't be a doormat and don't try to placate her, because I can guarantee it will backfire.  Also, you should be talking with your husband about WHY he thought he never had to ask you about plans, and just told his mother to go ahead.  That's who I would be having words with. 

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 07, 2011, 10:18:52 AM
I agree with you Pooh- but I wonder seasage- why you would deem it as trivial or some sort of consolation prize?  What would your expectations be as to your involvement in planning the birthday party of your son's child?  I honestly don't understand the cynicism, especially when the thought to include MIL is there (even when technically it doesn't HAVE to be).  Just trying to understand...

Folks, spelling it out, I believe a MIL wants to be invited, and most of all, wants to be treated as a valued part of the family. 

My point to this forum is that I read many of your posts as how to placate MIL.

LL, I am sure that any MIL will know how to act at a child's birthday party, would truly enjoy playing games with her GD, and would not be confused about who is the maiden of honor. 

Bringing a cake, choosing decorations, all that is optional. 

seasage

And just in case: I was kidding about the hat.

I'm still confused.  It's Monday and I guess I'm extra slow today.  Do you mean that instead of figuring out how to placate the MIL, the DIL should just not even try?  That nothing is better than a "placating bone?"  I mean being invited and participating is showing that you are a valued family member and a valued grandparent.  But that's not enough?  Or it is enough and you don't want to be asked to do any small tasks?  I really do want to understand.

Lol...thanks for clearing up about the hat, cause I wasn't touching that one!

Ok, now I get what you are saying.  Now, I see the word compromise, and you see the word placate.  I think life is full of compromises and that includes MIL, DIL, DH, DD, DS, Mother, Father, Friends.....everyone.

My MIL knows that I can't stand to show up at her house for an event empty handed.  She always gives me something to bring, although she has plenty.  She does that because she knows I have a hard time just showing up to eat without contributing.  Yes, this is a product of my raising and she recognizes that.  So, I guess she does placate me, but I choose to think of it as she is understanding.

Yes, Pooh, I agree that is understanding, not placating.   I wonder if the difference is in whether or not the heart is open and warm to the other person.  I value those stirrings of the heart and all that flows from them.

To me, the fact that a DIL is willing to give up any of the tasks for their own child's party and offer it up to the MIL shows that their heart is open.  Otherwise, why even try?  Maybe that's just me because I know that I enjoy planning and organizing and it would take a lot for me to give that to someone else for my own kid.  Then to have it not even appreciated would feel like a slap in the face.

I think that may be the entire key.  If you want a relationship, or have a decent one it probably is compromise and understanding.  But, I could see where if my DS called right now and said, we want to visit you but DIL says she will only come if she doesn't have to speak, I would placate her by providing the duct tape.  ;D

 ;D ;D ;D

HB, your heart is in the right place.  I don't have any good advice regarding your MIL.  The mere fact she won't pick up the phone for you is appalling.  Clearly, she is not one of my tribe.

I'd let my mil pick out the cake if I thought that it really meant something to her.. I'd let her buy it too... Holli.. I'd call her.. if she calls ds instead of you, then have your dh say that you need to speak directly with her.  I'd inform her that as the event gets nearer that you two can talk about it more... I don't see what the big deal is.
OR...........

Ask her to purchase this plate below so she can help built a tradition of individually recognized special days.  Yep that's what I would do.. oh and don't ask Aguilera to sing the birthday song :)

http://www.amazon.com/Waechtersbach-Plate-Special-Today-Cherry/dp/B0001XR2F2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297105867&sr=8-1

I guess my question is to the MIL's.
Would you ever do what Holli's MIL did?  Call your son 4 months ahead of time and ask to take over a first birthday party for their child, without EVER knowing what DIL thought of this?   
Would you just go ahead and set a date and start inviting people?
What if DS called back and said you couldn't do this?
What if DIL then called and said, well, why don't you just decorate?

Would you EVER do this to your DIL? 

Would you think DIL was being "understanding" or "placating" you, after you were told you couldn't control who came and the date.  Would you be happy to decorate or would you even do this to your DIL to begin with?

Since I can honestly answer no to all the top section.. I would have to say not applicable to the bottom half

I can honestly say no to all of that too.  But I would offer to help if she called and invited me.  I would ask politely if there was something that I could do to help her with it.  The difference is, I wouldn't be doing it for me, I would be doing it for her.

  After reading every posting in this entire topic, my thoughts are still the same. Why would anyone ever think that the joy of planning and executing your own child's birthday party would be up for debate? Who does that? oh yeah, holliberri's mother in law.
  I could just hear my daughters if I said I was going to send out invitations or if I told them the date of any of their celebrations...hahahahaha.
  I've asked, what can I bring? what can I do? I am told, bring yourself, you are welcome to come early, stay late, just come.
  The times I've insisted, well, I'd like to do something to help...I've been told, you are the Gramma, just come and enjoy your Grandchild.
   If I called my son in law, and cried & complained 'she won't let me help' (which I never would), I think he would laugh.  After all, It's their child!
I believe he would think I was joking.
  What am I missing here in the family dynamic?
On another note, Holliberri, it sounds like you and hubby handled it very well.
 

For my son's first birthday.. we set up a table outside, had all the neighborhood high chairs around it then gave each child a big hunk of cake to eat with their hands.. they had a blast.. it was a first birthday it was fun. Ahhh life was so simple then

Quote from: 1Glitterati on February 05, 2011, 01:39:08 PM

Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 12:50:44 PM
1Glitterati, lol.  I can't imagine being a teacher either. 

But speaking of which, we have another kids bday party coming up next weekend.  DH is insisting I either take back the gift I got the kid or get an ok with his mother about the gift. 

Would you guys be upset about a live frog habitat?

I'd probably want to know about that one beforehand.

Isn't that the thing where you get the habitat and then have to send off through the mail for the tadpole?

I could put off sending for it and hope the boy forgot about it...lol.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention.  I sent off for the tadpoles on their behalf.  Pffft, she should know better, the kid is turning 10 and they spent 5k.  Yeah, you heard me.  And she's complaining about it to me.  When I turned 10 my Dad gave me a dollar and told me I was old enough to ride my bike to 7/11 on my own. 

Holli, I think you've been extraordinarily kind regarding this. 

All of you ladies are the best.

Seasage...I so knew you were joking about the hat!! To be honest, I do feel as if I'm placating her--she doesn't just want an invitation, she said as much. She doesn't want to feel like any old invitee. Given that she was all gussied up for my court house wedding and I didn't have time to shave my legs as I had to see that she was dressed appropriately, I do think she's confused as to who the Honorary Maiden was/is.

Laurie...WHERE (Amazon obviously) do you find this stuff? LOL! I hope she doesn't answer my phone calls b/c she talks to her son every other day and that just works better for her. I hope it's not b/c she'd rather not talk to me. I try not to worry about that much.

MT: We had a conversation about it, but understanding it and implementing it are two different things. Time will tell.

Quote from: Laurie on February 07, 2011, 11:29:42 AM
For my son's first birthday.. we set up a table outside, had all the neighborhood high chairs around it then gave each child a big hunk of cake to eat with their hands.. they had a blast.. it was a first birthday it was fun. Ahhh life was so simple then

I am pretty sure I forgot to celebrate my son's first birthday.  When is his birthday, anyway?

Ah but kids outside, eating and playing with things, cake, dirt, sandboxes, dogs, tree houses, ... yes, life was so simple then.

Quote from: courtney on February 07, 2011, 11:27:03 AM
   If I called my son in law, and cried & complained 'she won't let me help' (which I never would), I think he would laugh.  After all, It's their child!
I believe he would think I was joking.
  What am I missing here in the family dynamic?

An exquisite touch of insanity?

Quote from: Mariatobe on February 07, 2011, 11:16:23 AM
I guess my question is to the MIL's.
Would you ever do what Holli's MIL did?  Call your son 4 months ahead of time and ask to take over a first birthday party for their child, without EVER knowing what DIL thought of this?   
Would you just go ahead and set a date and start inviting people?
What if DS called back and said you couldn't do this?
What if DIL then called and said, well, why don't you just decorate?

Would you EVER do this to your DIL? 

Would you think DIL was being "understanding" or "placating" you, after you were told you couldn't control who came and the date.  Would you be happy to decorate or would you even do this to your DIL to begin with?

I'm not a MIL, but after reading the first questions on this comment IMHO you only need one word to describe this issue CONTROL!
There is so many wonderful MILs, but unfortunately few of them don't get it....

HUGS

I was disappointed that I never thought to have a "you are special" plate when my kids were growing up.  I did give one to my son the day he got his wings.. I think it's just a cute way to be :) SPECIAL.  I had three kids, and we were careful but didn't hesitate to have special days.. special meals.. I just didn't have the special plate lol

Quote from: Laurie on February 07, 2011, 01:02:43 PM
I was disappointed that I never thought to have a "you are special" plate when my kids were growing up.

These are the "you are special" plates I like.  I have lots of them - made by my kids.
http://www.amazon.com/Makit-Products-Inc-C92100-Crayola/dp/B0029F1YTK/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1297116933&sr=8-7
http://www.amazon.com/Creations-You-Plateworks-Design-Plate/dp/B00000JGR3/ref=sr_1_24?ie=UTF8&qid=1297116966&sr=8-24

How fun!!  I want one!!

My son was 24 when I gave him his.. I don't think I could have  gotten him to color one.. but I did see this today and it might be more to his liking..and look it's a gift for both of them:
http://www.chiasso.com/store/item.aspx?ItemId=56030 (http://www.chiasso.com/store/item.aspx?ItemId=56030)

Those are SO cute!  :)

Ladies ...we could have a plate painting party ....I have done it on china teapots .plates .cups ...it's good fun .

I'm addressing a lot of posts here, so it gets a bit long, sorry:

Ooo, sounds fun! (the china painting.)

Regarding the placating/understanding discussion, IMHO it depends on what is in your heart when you offer "the bone." Are you grumbling and stomping around, with an attitude? Do you dislike your MIL and think anything she wants is stupid? Or do you understand that some people have different needs and want to feel helpful?

Some of this may be regional, I don't know. My SM was shocked when I packed up leftovers after Thanksgiving for she & DH to take home. It's something people do where we live as a way of saying "thanks for coming and allowing us to have the best part of Thanksgiving at our house - the leftovers!" She took it as meaning "we know you don't have enough money to feed yourselves so here's a handout." Which is hilarious because they're quite well off.

As in so many of the miscommunications and hurt feelings between MILs and DILs, this isn't rocket science. It's basic politeness. There are ways of dealing with situations like this so no one feels hurt and humiliated or left out.

I'd never jump in and take over anything regarding DIL or DS, and I'm embarrassed for Holli's MIL and aghast that she'd do such a thing. But I will repeat that I think she did it with love, not cruel intentions. Redirecting her kindly and gently, without a pity assignment or patronizing attitude will resonate positively and thus be a more worthwhile lesson in the long run.

I'm disheartened to hear phrases like "that woman" used disparagingly by some posters here...she's the child's grandmother and the son's mom. Putting someone into a category of "less than" does make it easier to dismiss them, so I understand why people do it. I'm sad to think I might be put in such a category by DILs who don't understand my pain and frustration.

I know we MIL's do get it wrong sometimes .
Most of all we like to be included ,maybe as you're so busy HB she thought she was doing you a favour .
Where she went wrong was she should have asked YOU first and foremost what your plans where  before going off to invite the world and his wife .

Pen, you summed it up perfectly.  I love your attitude and wisdom.

Quote from: pam1 on February 07, 2011, 11:29:46 AM

Thank you for bringing that to my attention.  I sent off for the tadpoles on their behalf.  Pffft, she should know better, the kid is turning 10 and they spent 5k.  Yeah, you heard me.  And she's complaining about it to me.  When I turned 10 my Dad gave me a dollar and told me I was old enough to ride my bike to 7/11 on my own. 

Holli, I think you've been extraordinarily kind regarding this.

I can't even wrap my mind around that.  Not at all.  I thought I was big timing it for the oldest when he had a party at the theatre and had a big theatre to himself and a bunch of his friends w/popcorn and slushies.

Quote from: Pen on February 07, 2011, 03:49:32 PM
Regarding the placating/understanding discussion, IMHO it depends on what is in your heart when you offer "the bone." Are you grumbling and stomping around, with an attitude? Do you dislike your MIL and think anything she wants is stupid? Or do you understand that some people have different needs and want to feel helpful?

LL: they still have China painting parties? DH's family has a set. It's beautiful and one of the GGMILs painted the set throughout many parties. They're gorgeous. Such an heirloom!

Pen: It was my original idea, since she has expressed wanting to be more involved. I figured that was what parties are for: cake and decorations. It seemed like a great idea to include her and have some one on one time with her.  But, when her expectations are that high and I just can't meet them, my original idea appears to be "placating" does it not? I had no ill intentions and I wasn't griping about it...it was simply part of my plan. I, like you, am a little afraid of having my intentions misinterpreted; I wouldn't want anyone (especially not her, as I think that would make the problem bigger) to think I was just throwing her a bone. I just can not accomodate the sort of party she was intent on having.

I've never been allowed to say, "Hey...why don't we do this?" or "Can you maybe help with this?" or "I wasn't sure, but what did you think?" She beats me to the punch everytime with her ginormous plans for my life and my DD.

This party was a little abstract until this weekend. 4 months away is an eternity for me...and I'm already exhausted thinking about it. It's a little unfair b/c it's supposed to be about my DD, not her. Instead, already, this entire party has become about what she is and isn't getting. Ladies, I'm going to move onto other topics here. I don't want to pile on my MIL AND I don't want to dwell on it. The only one it's hurting (REALLY) is not my MIL but my DD, even if she is an infant. I can't lose sight of the fact that the party is for her and only her...not me and not my MIL.  I'll see you on the other boards!  :)

Sweet holliberri,

I was part of that piling on for you.  I sincerely apologize.  Enjoy your much-deserved peace.

Oh Holli, I wasn't talking about your handling of the situation - I think you are amazing! I was addressing some of the other posts that were sounding a little mean. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

HB, one of these days you will get to chose her nusring home!  LOL!  I have a great MIL and my SIL and I did pick out the Assisted Living Facility for both of the inlaws. 

And off we go to ponder the wise words of Miss Scarlett O'hara:
"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."