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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: little me on November 18, 2010, 07:09:53 PM

Title: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: little me on November 18, 2010, 07:09:53 PM
MY POOR SON!! ::)
Son called me to tell me that his wife ( whom does not like his ( us ) side of family) That she wants to get us all together to have a meeting mainly so she can vent, or just tell us just what she thinks of all of us and why!
My son is mortified,and embarrassed. I told him not to be embarrassed, and go ahead and make the meeting and let her talk it out.
I just don't know how the others will take it.  I feel so bad for my son. 
I'd like to give her a piece of my mind, but I'll stay quiet for the most part and listen.
I just think it's so odd she wants a meeting to inform us of what losers we are?
Husband thinks she is just insecure and needs to get out her opinions.
Why must we always walk so carefully around these baby adults.
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I WOULD NOT EVEN THINK TO SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE TO MY INLAWS, OF WHICH BTW, I COULD NOT STAND. LOL. ::)
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: 1Glitterati on November 18, 2010, 07:26:03 PM
Quote from: little me on November 18, 2010, 07:09:53 PM
MY POOR SON!! ::)
Son called me to tell me that his wife ( whom does not like his ( us ) side of family) That she wants to get us all together to have a meeting mainly so she can vent, or just tell us just what she thinks of all of us and why!
My son in mortified,and embarrassed. I told him not to be embarrassed, and go ahead and make the meeting and let her talk it out.
I just don't know how the others will take it.  I feel so bad for my son. 
I'd like to give her a piece of my mind, but I'll stay quiet for the most part and listen.
I just think it's so odd she wants a meeting to inform us of what losers we are?
Husband thinks she is just insecure and needs to get out her opinions.
Why must we always walk so carefully around these baby adults.
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I WOULD NOT EVEN THINK TO SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE TO MY INLAWS, OF WHICH BTW, I COULD NOT STAND. LOL. ::)

I'd want to know what the ground rules are first.  Is this to be you guys simply listening to her b@tch or will it be an actual back and forth conversation?

If you have any reservations...don't do it.  No one should be forced into any meeting of this type.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: LaurieS on November 18, 2010, 08:35:40 PM
I agree, it's like you might as well put on the blindfold and smoke that last cigarette. 

I think I'd like to know exactly what your dil feels will or should be accomplished by meeting.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Tara on November 18, 2010, 09:28:18 PM
Yes Laurie and Glitter!

Also, to make sure you  have as chance to talk and not her just unloading.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Pen on November 18, 2010, 11:15:32 PM
Little Me, welcome.

Run away, run away! It's a trap, I tells ya!

But serioiusly, please be careful. If DIL has legitimate concerns, it's kind of you to listen and consider her opinions. On the other hand, if she's just going to rip you a new one or grind you into the ground, don't let her.

I agree with Laurie and Glitter - what are the ground rules and what is the object of this meeting? Also, since DS is embarrassed about the whole thing, how can you support him? He's the one you want to maintain a relationship with, so what can you do to ease his discomfort?
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Sheen on November 19, 2010, 02:52:56 AM
Boy do I agree with your thoughts on baby adults. I like you had some pretty negative feelings on my x inlaws but for 25 years I just plowed thru it. I can't even comprehend sitting with them and voicing my opinions on what they do wrong and the conditions I set for any type of relationship with them. 
I guess it really depends on how much you can take from dil , you could get a pair of earplugs and let her rant then take them out when she is done lol.   I agree though I don't think it is wise to walk into that type of meeting without establishing some ground rules. 
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 06:44:08 AM
Quote from: little me on November 18, 2010, 07:09:53 PM
MY POOR SON!! ::)
Son called me to tell me that his wife ( whom does not like his ( us ) side of family) That she wants to get us all together to have a meeting mainly so she can vent, or just tell us just what she thinks of all of us and why!
My son is mortified,and embarrassed. I told him not to be embarrassed, and go ahead and make the meeting and let her talk it out.
I just don't know how the others will take it.  I feel so bad for my son. 
I'd like to give her a piece of my mind, but I'll stay quiet for the most part and listen.
I just think it's so odd she wants a meeting to inform us of what losers we are?
Husband thinks she is just insecure and needs to get out her opinions.
Why must we always walk so carefully around these baby adults.
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I WOULD NOT EVEN THINK TO SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE TO MY INLAWS, OF WHICH BTW, I COULD NOT STAND. LOL. ::)

Hello and welcome
I don't have much to say, except try not to worry and let the chips fall where they may...and don't allow her to bring you down to her level....don't become angry with her comments, listen to her, really listen to what she is saying....don't take it personal....and try and discuss the issues she brings up like a mature adult. 

if someone else takes offense, then so be it....but while you may be viewing this as a real pain in the butt DIL....by getting together and discussing it, at least you'll know what is bothering her that you all do.

Remember, she is saying to you, this hurts me when you do this or that....she is not saying I don't like you, or I hate you, or anything of the sort....

And you may not agree with her, however, I must say, at least you won't be left out in the dark, like many of us here....she is putting the cards on the table and while this may be foreign to your family culture, it doesn't sound like it is to her, this is apparently the way she was raised, to sit together in a circle and have a family discussion...it may turn out to be a very positive thing.

What is worse, to not ever know what is going thru her mind, to never know her boundaries, and what she may expect or doesn't like, and you all keep doing it, over and over again, until she estrages from you all completely, b/c she can't find the courage to discuss it with you...so it builds and builds and boom, big huge blow out....

I view this as a good thing....

and if I were you, if someone bursts an out rage, keep the room calm by saying, wait, let her finish...and continue to say that if anyone interrupts with a gasp or, how dare you....YOU BE IN CONTROL....and keep saying, "Wait, let her finish". 

Listen to her intently, and tell your son not to be embarrassed, but to be very proud of her, this is a gal with courage and quit frankly, a family discussion is a good idea, it will air all hurts....remember, she is NOT saying your wrong,
she is saying
YOU HURTING ME WHEN YOU DO THIS....
Remember she isn't part of your family culture
she was raised completely different then you raised your family
and if you all keep your cool, you may even learn some very positive and useful things from one another....

I view this as a really great opportunity to clear the air...as long as no one takes what hurts her personal.

In other words, if she says,
I don't want you to call our home, every single day
or I don't want you to stop over without calling first

don't take it as a God awful personal attack against you, and that she is saying to you, your wrong and an awful person, what she is saying is
I don't think and feel like you do, I was raised differently and these things really stress me out...so, could you please, please not do that....
So, please listen to her with the idea that she is airing things to you that bother her...and not attacking you...

Let us know how things go....

This could be a really good thing....
really really good!

and yeah, when I was her age, I wouldn't have ever thought of saying anything to my inlaws...however, I wanted to, oh baby did I want to, sometimes they made my life a living hell.....and it was all b/c you and I were raised to honor thy mother and father and mom's and dad's did no wrong, HAH...we all do things differently because we were all raised differently....we all have different ideas about things and how we do them....no one is right, or wrong, it's simply about how we feel about things....so don't take this as an insult....your DIL, is doing the right thing...apparently there are things bothering her, and personally, I'd want to know, so I don't make the same mistake over and over again, which would cause her to distance herself from me.....

I would want to know...so that I could learn her, what she likes, what she doesn't like, and that would have caused happiness instead of 12 years of pain and hurt, cuz I kept saying, "If only I knew what I did to cause this...."....or I didn't do anything....I wasn't aware that I was getting on her nerves and that some of my actions were actually crossing boundaries....

and above all,
she is not calling any of you losers...she has an idea in her mind of how she'd like her life and family to be....b/c she was raised to think and feel as she does....she is not out of your family mold, she was conditioned to be as her parents taught her to be....which is different, we're all different, however, in the case of inlaws, we have to get along, so what she's saying is, I want to get along with you all, however, can we try to remember, I'm from a different family and I think and feel differently then you do, and I have my own ideas and dreams of how I want my life to play out....can we get together on this?



Creme
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: erma on November 19, 2010, 06:57:46 AM
i agree with all the posts! run away! its a trap! we were set up by this from our dil years ago! she just wanted to tell us in person, what she thought of us, which we already knew.
she vented, called us horrific names, we were totally offended,  we said a few things ourselves, and in turn she cut us off!
which i later figured out, was the true intention and purpose of the whole thing. at the time, i didn't have theses WW on here to voice to me what was whirling around in her little mind, but we did indeed fall face first into her trap. my ds at that time took our side, only to be threatend severely by her for an entire year.  she made up stories about things she thought we had said, and how she believed the whole family was against her, which just floored me. it was the first id ever heard she felt that we were "trash", among other horrible names.
we were provoked into saying things, i returned fire by saying "takes one to spot one", which didnt sit well, and she inturn, pulled out the big guns, so to speak, and she just exploded.
its been a long and painful road since then, and i don't think believe it will ever be the same.
DO NOT BE SUCKED INTO THIS BLACK HOLE!! :o :o :o
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: seasage on November 19, 2010, 06:58:50 AM
little me,

Our DIL doesn't like us either.  Two years ago my son also asked us to sit down with DIL so that we could air all the complaints and resolve the issue.  We agreed.  The 'airing' was a monologue, a diatribe, a list of complaints about DH and me.  As we did not have any issues with DIL, other than the fact that she clearly doesn't like us, we did not offer her any complaints from our side.  We simply listened politely and asked questions.  It became clear to me that no matter what we did, DIL chalked it up as another notch on her hateful-inlaws belt.  She was unable to see that we are really good people and not trying to hurt her.

The bottom line is that the meeting was not good for anyone.  We left with very hurt feelings; she didn't get anything out of it either.  She has refused to see us since that meeting, refused to allow us to come to her house, and will not come here either.  Frankly, I think she must be embarrassed by some of the things she said, although DH doesn't agree with me on this point.

My first recommendation is to talk to your DS about this meeting.  You want to satisfy him.  My second recommendation is that you not say anything against your DIL, even if you have issues.  It will just put your DS in a bad place, caught between two factions he loves.  Never do anything to make your DS choose, because you will lose.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 07:02:53 AM
Quote from: erma on November 19, 2010, 06:57:46 AM
i agree with all the posts! run away! its a trap! we were set up by this from our dil years ago! she just wanted to tell us in person, what she thought of us, which we already knew.
she vented, called us horrific names, we were totally offended,  we said a few things ourselves, and in turn she cut us off!
which i later figured out, was the true intention and purpose of the whole thing. at the time, i didn't have theses WW on here to voice to me what was whirling around in her little mind, but we did indeed fall face first into her trap. my ds at that time took our side, only to be threatend severely by her for an entire year.  she made up stories about things she thought we had said, and how she believed the whole family was against her, which just floored me. it was the first id ever heard she felt that we were "trash", among other horrible names.
we were provoked into saying things, i returned fire by saying "takes one to spot one", which didnt sit well, and she inturn, pulled out the big guns, so to speak, and she just exploded.
its been a long and painful road since then, and i don't think believe it will ever be the same.
DO NOT BE SUCKED INTO THIS BLACK HOLE!! :o :o :o

Erma, this might be what happened in your case, but it may not at all be anywhere near what will happen in this posters case....her DIL may be trying...and if she does the same thing as your DIL did, then shame on her....but don't run, don't hide, and it isn't  a black hole, actually, if this DIL acts like yours did, then, she's only showing what a horrible person she is, however, lets first give her a chance....
just b/c it happened to you, doesn't say, it's going to happen to everyone....right?

Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 07:06:40 AM
Quote from: seasage on November 19, 2010, 06:58:50 AM
little me,

Our DIL doesn't like us either.  Two years ago my son also asked us to sit down with DIL so that we could air all the complaints and resolve the issue.  We agreed.  The 'airing' was a monologue, a diatribe, a list of complaints about DH and me.  As we did not have any issues with DIL, other than the fact that she clearly doesn't like us, we did not offer her any complaints from our side.  We simply listened politely and asked questions.  It became clear to me that no matter what we did, DIL chalked it up as another notch on her hateful-inlaws belt.  She was unable to see that we are really good people and not trying to hurt her.

The bottom line is that the meeting was not good for anyone.  We left with very hurt feelings; she didn't get anything out of it either.  She has refused to see us since that meeting, refused to allow us to come to her house, and will not come here either.  Frankly, I think she must be embarrassed by some of the things she said, although DH doesn't agree with me on this point.

My first recommendation is to talk to your DS about this meeting.  You want to satisfy him.  My second recommendation is that you not say anything against your DIL, even if you have issues.  It will just put your DS in a bad place, caught between two factions he loves.  Never do anything to make your DS choose, because you will lose.

seasage....

What were your DIL's complaints....?  I'm just curious...

and I agree, never ever say anything to son about DIL....it will hurt him terrible, b/c all he wants both sides to do is accept each other, and if the inlaws take offense to the DIL, he's going to estrange from the parents, and not his wife...don't ever ask him to take sides....he won't see it as your asking him what you should do, he's going to see it as if your disapproving of his choice for a wife....

if you come out and say to her, Ok, I understand you don't want us to call every day, what would your prefer?  You not taking personal offense, what your doing is saying, "Ok, she doesn't do things like we do, and doesn't have the same traditions, so maybe we can meet half way?". 

Not all DIL's are terrible people, they just want to set up they're own way of housekeeping....and it's a whole different generation....

Way back when, our mothers and mother in laws thought they had to teach us how to be wives, todays women, do not want to be taught....they want to just be...that's all.....

Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: seasage on November 19, 2010, 07:15:45 AM
P.S.  I thought you WW might like to know the result of the DIL vs. parents' meeting.  First, since we didn't make any bad comments about DIL, DS has not been forced to cut us off.  He clearly still loves us and makes an effort to see us once a year, always without DIL, even though we always make it clear that DIL is welcome to come with him.  Thus, although DS spent Thanksgiving and Christmas 2009 with DIL's FOO, also spent at least 2 additional vacations with them at various cottages and ski resorts, and has just informed us that Christmas 2010 will also be with DIL's FOO, nonetheless .... DS still makes time for us.  We saw him for two afternoons in February (DIL refused to accompany him), and he will be coming to spend Thanksgiving with us!!!  Again, DIL will not be coming although we made it clear that she is always invited and always welcome.  Once again, she refused our offer.
.

Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 07:16:23 AM
yanno, people misunderstand each others intentions all the time, and marriages break up, b/c there is a lack of communication, and people don't talk things out any more....what people do is expect, or demand....what is wrong with getting a family meeting together and doing this?  It's no different then an entire family discussing matters over Thanksgiving dinner....

if I don't understand something, I'm going to ask questions and not be afraid of appearing dumb....I want to know why someone feels like that day...we all have feelings, we all feel differently about different things, about the way we keep house, or wash up the floor, or wrap our meats to freeze....and we're all aloud to have those feelings darn it....

Lets give this DIL a chance, and maybe, just maybe the outcome will be very positive....
I'm all for a family meeting, I think it's a great idea....however, when someone says, well, I don't like it when you do this, or that,
you can't take it personal....you can't take it as a personal attack...she's simply saying, this offends me, b/c I wasn't raised like you, she is NOT SAYING YOU ARE WRONG.....she is saying this hurts me when you do this because....

now if she starts calling names, or anyone starts calling anyone else names, then that is a very insecure person, who cannot accept the fact, that they might be doing something that is stressing someone else out....

This is just an example and I don't know if anyone is doing this here....but
I would go nuts if someone was calling my home every night....it would drive me up a wall and I'd feel like I had no privacy at all

My mother in law used to tell me how I should cook, bake and clean, she wasn't saying I was doing it wrong, she was trying to teach me, however, I took it as if she said, "your doing this all wrong".  And that is how a lot of DIL's feel....just b/c you think one way and someone else does it another, doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong.....
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 07:20:13 AM
Quote from: seasage on November 19, 2010, 07:15:45 AM
P.S.  I thought you WW might like to know the result of the DIL vs. parent's meeting.  First, since we didn't make any bad comments about DIL, DS has not been forced to cut us off.  He clearly still loves us and makes an effort to see us once a year, always without DIL, even though we always make it clear that DIL is welcome to come with him.  Thus, although DS spent Thanksgiving and Christmas 2009 with DIL's FOO, also spent at least 2 additional vacations with them at various cottages and ski resorts, and has just informed us that Christmas 2010 will also be with DIL's FOO, nonetheless .... DS still makes time for us.  We saw him for two afternoons in February (DIL refused to accompany him), and he will be coming to spend Thanksgiving with us!!!  Again, DIL will not be coming although we made it clear that she is always invited and always welcome.  Once again, she refused our offer.

did you ever think to ask him very sincerely...
Son, what in your mind, do you think we could do to make this situation better between DIL and ourselves?  We'd really like to know, not to get angry but to change what it is we're doing that is offending, hurting or getting on her nerves?
Then think about what he says before you say anything....

I didn't resolve my problems with DIL, until I was able to listen objectively, without taking huge offense to what my son was saying....
He wasn't saying, they didn't like me, or I was wrong, he was saying,
We don't like it when you do this or that....

simple...so, now I had some answers, I could take offense, or, I could try and see it from they're point of view....

When my DIL told me what upset her, I went, OMG, I didn't mean it that way and I'm so sorry you were hurt....what I meant was....and then explained it to her....

we women expect everyone to be able to read our minds....and they can't, and they're very young and excited to set up housekeeping, they are inexperienced and will make mistakes, but we have to allow them they're own traditions, ideas and mistakes....

Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Pen on November 19, 2010, 07:32:25 AM
Good point, Seasage. Don't say anything negative about DIL to DS. Ever. I'm glad you'll be seeing DS at Thanksgiving. Enjoy your precious time together!

Creme, you're right that one person's experience may not be another's, but I feel that if this DIL had the best of intentions she would have handled it differently. This feels more war room and less diplomatic meeting to me. It's already known that this DIL doesn't like her ILs. I will give her props for some major huevos, though...I can't imagine ever having set up such a meeting with my ILs. But then, I'm pretty much a ninny when it comes to confrontation.

Sometimes there is nothing the ILs have done (even my DIL admits that about DH & me) but the DIL just doesn'tthem and doesn't want them in her or DS's life. In such a situation the ILs can't stop doing the bad stuff because there is no bad stuff. My DIL would like us to fall off the face of the earth, and that's where I draw the line, LOL.

Little Me, you'll just have to see what happens, I guess, but you do not have to do more than listen. You don't have to comment; it's probably best not to until you've had a chance to ruminate. You can say "I'll get back to you on that" or "Huh.." if pressed for a response. Oh, and do the mani-pedi-accessory thing before the meeting to remind yourself to not engage out of rage - you're the calm, cool queen of decorum and grace, right?
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: seasage on November 19, 2010, 07:38:53 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 07:20:13 AM
did you ever think to ask him very sincerely...
Son, what in your mind, do you think we could do to make this situation better between DIL and ourselves?

I didn't have to ask.  DS said to us that he was tired being in the middle between DIL and his parents, and that he wanted us to resolve it without him.  So I wrote a short letter to DIL, saying that all I wanted was a normal DIL-MIL relationship, could that please be possible.  I delivered flowers with the letter.  During the next 9 months I sent lots of flowers, books, email, spontaneous gifts, etc.  DIL has never answered any of my missives.  She has always ignored me, never acknowledged any birthday of christmas gift, never said thank you, never even answered short emails that asked simple direct questions: "Dear ..., I lost all my stored emails, and so no longer know the exact date of your birthday.  I think it is April 2.  Is that right?"  Nope, didn't even get an answer to that one.

The reason I came to WW was to find out if it was time to quit trying with her.  I decided the answer was yes.  I am a lot happier now that I am not lying prostrate under her feet.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: seasage on November 19, 2010, 07:48:51 AM
Quote from: Pen on November 19, 2010, 07:32:25 AM
Little Me, you'll just have to see what happens, I guess, but you do not have to do more than listen. You don't have to comment; it's probably best not to until you've had a chance to ruminate. You can say "I'll get back to you on that" or "Huh.." if pressed for a response. Oh, and do the mani-pedi-accessory thing before the meeting to remind yourself to not engage out of rage - you're the calm, cool queen of decorum and grace, right?

Very, very, very good advice, Pen.  I wish I had thought of the mani-pedi-accessory thing, but the meeting was called with less than 5 minutes notice.  However, I am going to keep that in reserve for DIL's eventual visit.  Yes, I do think it will happen.  I want to be calm and welcoming at that point.  And --- the more time I spend here with all you WW --- the calmer and more philosophical I become about all this. 
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Pen on November 19, 2010, 07:57:41 AM
Seasage, AKA calm & welcoming MIL, I understand your DS's frustration, but I feel that our DSs can't step away from this. We were headed down a similar path when our  DS finally stood up, told DIL & her FOO that we were his family before they came along, that we were hardworking, loving, honorable people who he was always going to have a relationship with. IMHO, it's up to DS to stick up for you while concurrently honoring his marriage. It is possible but it's a delicate procedure and some guys can't get past the discomfort of confrontation and risk.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 08:34:20 AM
QuotePen....Creme, you're right that one person's experience may not be another's, but I feel that if this DIL had the best of intentions she would have handled it differently.

Hi Pen, I'm just curious...and not being condescending, literally, I'd like to understand, how should she do it differently....?


QuoteThis feels more war room and less diplomatic meeting to me. It's already known that this DIL doesn't like her ILs.

Ok, is it that she really really doesn't like them, or, that some things that she does irritates her, and maybe she feels, discussing it, might bring some peace to her life?


QuoteI will give her props for some major huevos, though...I can't imagine ever having set up such a meeting with my ILs. But then, I'm pretty much a ninny when it comes to confrontation.

I used to be a ninny, however, now, I've learned, it's much better to discuss things...and that is the difference, it's all how the OP goes into this meeting, is she going to view it as a confrontation, or as a discussion...

and something else I'd like to point out....when I was young, when I felt it necessary to speak to someone about a situation, that was annoying me, b/c I wanted to preserve the relationship, I'd get really nervous....and I spoke with a whole lot of emotion/passion....my now ex, used to tell me, people don't understand you, they think your yelling, but what your really doing is speaking with a whole lot of emotion....I hope the OP keeps this in mind, if this meeting comes about...don't view her as yelling, but being very nervous, not being able to express herself as well as if she were older, and not take this as a confrontation, but, more so, as a discussion....

what I'm saying is, lets give her the benefit of the doubt here and not analyzie or second guess....this may also mean, that 1st. she doesn't hate the inlaws....although they think she does, and 2nd, that she wants to preserve whatever relationship is left....

and....I could be wrong, but I really really hope and pray I'm not....


QuoteSometimes there is nothing the ILs have done (even my DIL admits that about DH & me) but the DIL just doesn'tthem and doesn't want them in her or DS's life.

Very True Pen, but that was your situation, and again, perhaps I'm wrong here, but I want to have hope....and know that not all DIL's are like yours....or mine, for that matter....

QuoteIn such a situation the ILs can't stop doing the bad stuff because there is no bad stuff. My DIL would like us to fall off the face of the earth, and that's where I draw the line, LOL.

In your case, right, there was no bad stuff, and I don't want to call it bad stuff....lets think of it, as something the inlaws do, that stresses the DIL out...it's not bad, it's just your way, but it really annoys the DIL....and not saying the DIL is right about it, but if you knew you were doing something wrong, that was annoying, wouldn't you want to know to correct it...at least when your around that person, like leaving the tooth paste top off....it's a little tiny thing, but it might annoy hubby....doesn't mean your bad, and it doesn't mean hubby hates you or dislikes you, but it annoys him.....

QuoteLittle Me, you'll just have to see what happens, I guess, but you do not have to do more than listen. You don't have to comment; it's probably best not to until you've had a chance to ruminate. You can say "I'll get back to you on that" or "Huh.." if pressed for a response. Oh, and do the mani-pedi-accessory thing before the meeting to remind yourself to not engage out of rage - you're the calm, cool queen of decorum and grace, right?

Good advice and exactly what she should do, is digest what DIL is saying...and try and read the physcological end of it, in other words, DIL might not be saying, I don't like you, this is how it's going to be....but she might say, "yanno, this bothers me, it is really annoying", what she is saying is, "could you please just trust me and give me a chance to be in the role of a wife, I don't want to be who you were, I want to paint my own image..." 

Her words might sound harsh b/c your offended and afraid, she's going to say something nasty, and you won't hear that in her words, however, that is what she might mean...she
she is nervous like anything, so things are not going to come out like she wants them to, b/c she's afraid she's going to offend them....so, lets not jump the gun here ladies and hope for the best, stay calm, cool and collective...it may not be a bad thing, if everyone stays calm and doesn't take things said, as a personal attack....





Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 08:51:29 AM
QuoteSeasage
I didn't have to ask.  DS said to us that he was tired being in the middle between DIL and his parents, and that he wanted us to resolve it without him. 

That is exactly how my son felt....

OK, seasage, please dont' take offense, or be hurt by what I'm about to write....I'm just offering suggestions....in hopes of helping you see clearly...

QuoteSo I wrote a short letter to DIL, saying that all I wanted was a normal DIL-MIL relationship, could that please be possible. 
A very nice gesture...

QuoteI delivered flowers with the letter. 
A little over the top...with the flowers, some women see this as being bought, even though you didn't mean it that way, obviously, your a very kind hearted soul who likes to give gifts, I am the same...if I have it I like to share it...however, some people who you are having a problem with view a gift of such as that your doing this to get a response out of her, a thank you....and it pushes them further away...I'm not saying your wong, what I'm saying is, she didn't view it in the gesture it was given...can you accept that or understand, she viewed it as being bought or like you were trying to get a response out of her, and when you didn't, you set yourself and her up to fail....b/c she didn't call you to say thank you....she did not live up to your expectation...

QuoteDuring the next 9 months I sent lots of flowers, books, email, spontaneous gifts, etc.  DIL has never answered any of my missives.  She has always ignored me, never acknowledged any birthday of christmas gift, never said thank you, never even answered short emails that asked simple direct questions: "Dear ..., I lost all my stored emails, and so no longer know the exact date of your birthday.  I think it is April 2.  Is that right?"  Nope, didn't even get an answer to that one.
The reason I came to WW was to find out if it was time to quit trying with her.  I decided the answer was yes.  I am a lot happier now that I am not lying prostrate under her feet.[/quote]

but do you see why, and I'm not saying you were wrong, what I'm saying is, view it from her point of view....she was rejecting you the first time, to continue on, only pushed her further and further away, you expected her to be thrilled and happy with the gifts, however, to her, it meant, you were trying to buy her, and she wanted more, she wanted change...for you maybe to understand, that what she wanted had nothing to do with being against you or not liking you, but that you allow her and your son they're own way....privacy, etc.

please take this in the way it was meant, with a lot of love, and perhaps, I'm totally wrong, but wouldn't it be something to consider, I mean, what do we all have to loose? Pride,  or to consider things another way, and not the way that we took those actions b/c that really wasn't the intent.

Yes some DIL's are really hand fulls, however, in my heart, I feel that most DIL's not all, but most, want to get along with they're inlaws...they just don't know how to get it across to us, what is bothering them, they are afraid, so things build up and build up and then, they distance themselves, b/c they don't know what else to do....

or we distance ourselves from them, and yet, we never sat down and discussed the issue, with each other, not son, but with her....

does that make any sense?

Love
Creme

Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: seasage on November 19, 2010, 09:16:05 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 08:51:29 AM
QuoteI delivered flowers with the letter. 

A little over the top...with the flowers, some women see this as being bought,
.....
but do you see why, and I'm not saying you were wrong, what I'm saying is, view it from her point of view....she was rejecting you the first time, to continue on, only pushed her further and further away, you expected her to be thrilled and happy with the gifts, however, to her, it meant, you were trying to buy her, and she wanted more, she wanted change...for you maybe to understand, that what she wanted had nothing to do with being against you or not liking you, but that you allow her and your son they're own way....privacy, etc.

does that make any sense?

Love
Creme

Oh yes, that makes sense.  That is what I learned from WW: I was buying her. 

But please realize that she and DS have always had their privacy.  I have NEVER at any time called her or DS at their home.  And I live a continent away, too far for a casual drive-by or stop-over.  I speak to my son on the phone perhaps 6 times a year, but only when he initiates the call.  I am neither interfering nor unwelcoming to DIL. 

We are good, loving parents and fully-functioning adults who have even been adopted by some of our children's friends as second parents.  Our son is also a fully-functioning adult capable of much love.  We pray that our DIL will someday become the same.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: pam1 on November 19, 2010, 01:40:00 PM
I would ask the agenda of the meeting as well.  Life is too short.  If it's just a vent session for DIL, I'd pass.  If it was to be a real conversation between all of y'all, I would go.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 03:12:31 PM
QuoteOh yes, that makes sense.  That is what I learned from WW: I was buying her. 

But please realize that she and DS have always had their privacy.  I have NEVER at any time called her or DS at their home.  And I live a continent away, too far for a casual drive-by or stop-over.  I speak to my son on the phone perhaps 6 times a year, but only when he initiates the call.  I am neither interfering nor unwelcoming to DIL. 

We are good, loving parents and fully-functioning adults who have even been adopted by some of our children's friends as second parents.  Our son is also a fully-functioning adult capable of much love.  We pray that our DIL will someday become the same.

seasage, I hope all turns out well...please let us know and we'll be thinking of you...
no matter what you decided to do, do what is best for you....
big hugs creme
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: tryingmybest on November 19, 2010, 03:13:14 PM
 ::) you could actually have fun with this. I would lean toward her during the meeting, with your body language clearly saying "I'm listening dear." Keep your eye contact steady and a wonderful nuturing half smile on your face. Give her lots of
I hear you statements. "I hear how frustrated this made you". "I hear how angry you are about this." If she yells, speak more softly. Don't attack don't get defensive. Use active listening, repeat back to her what she says. "You get angry when I call to wish my son happy birthday.." "You get frustrated when I don't jump up and twirl around at your command".


Give your son the chance to see what he's dealing with. And pleasse let us know how it goes.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: sadDIL on November 19, 2010, 05:38:37 PM
I am a DIL and I too have asked my ILs if we could talk. I asked MIL through email a year ago if DH and I could call her together. She refused and told us to become facebook friends. Neither of us thought this was a good idea, but after a few weeks we accepeted anyway. There has been hurt seeing posts and comments from each side. We have "chatted" on FB but still no calls. I asked again a couple of months ago and was verbally attacked by FIL. Now there is nothing again, just like on and off for the past 4 years. This is crazy!

I would like to think that maybe your DIL is hurting and wants to talk it over. She may be like me - I don't want a butch session, but I do want to have a relationship with them. All of us have done and said things we regret, but families should learn to forgive. Maybe your DIL has hurt you, but maybe she and your son are hurting as well. If there are kids involved, well that makes it even worse. I can take things for so long, but I refuse to let my children get hurt in the process. I then turn into a lioness and protect them! LOL!  >:(

You may not want to meet with her right away, but at least take the time to give her the benefit of the doubt. All DILs aren't evil. Sometimes there is more to them than you will ever know. My ILs like to write blogs about things they don't even know about. Dhe may have things in her past, or medical problems, or anything that she and your son deal with that you have no idea about, just like you may as well. But don't give up on her or your son until you at least make an effort.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: luise.volta on November 19, 2010, 08:49:48 PM
He is coming! That's not the perfect solution but it is SO much better than nothing! YES!
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: little me on November 20, 2010, 08:06:38 PM
I am absolutely blessed and amazed with  all the concern and replies received back from this post!!!. THANK YOU SO MUCH!  
Cream, Your comments have made me really think ( as ALL of you did) and now I even HOPE my DIL goes through with this 'meeting' of which I doubt she'll even show up.  DIL is extremely insecure, a mother of 4 with different Dad's...and the 5th being my Son's.( She is extremely beautiful and also jealous of any that may look better than her....ahhh!!)
There is so much involved in this story, and in my life. lol. It's hard to know where to start.
If we do have the meeting, these comments I will put to heart and apply. I will stay calm, listen, will not butt in or defend myself but just try to 'hear' her.   I will try to repeat back to her what I heard her say, then ask what I can do to improve.   
The thing is, I'm SO TIRED, so tired of dealing with issues others put on you, I just want to be left alone and be happy. ( I sound like a little child. lol)
I have a daughter that just told me she didn't want anything to do with me, and now this. I'm so tired!!!
I Have 6 children, ( all the rest seem to think I'm ok:) and a few DIL's and SIL's and many grandkids, so I'd really like to just go somewhere for a few years where no one knows me. hah!!!
I appreciate your love and prayers and concern. Sure will let you know how it goes, if it does.:)

feeling very small....
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Nana on November 21, 2010, 01:59:42 AM
Little Me:

Yea....Go ahead with the Meeting.  Lets see how it goes.... Yes you are tired.....I really hope that she gives you a nice surprise....Dont laugh...everything is possible in this life....or better said....  God works in misterious ways.... I hope that God touches her heart. 


Okey after the meeting....you can go to an Island just by yourself lol.   Did you know that when I was raising my kids....I really fantasized about going to an Island just by myself, a good book, Coke, and a pack of Cigarretes..  I was so tired.... car-pooling to school, baseball practice, dancing classes, Gymnastics.....go pick them up, ptg meetings, helping with my childrens'homework, making supper, getting uniforms ready for next day and putting everyone to bed....then my own problems at work.... I wanted to disappear for some time and have time alone....and sleep, sleep and sleep.

Now they are all grown up...just my oldest daughter is home with hubby and me.  I miss them so much.... but now I have the most precious gifts to crown my golden age.....my granchildren. 

Good Luck...keep us posted.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Tara on November 21, 2010, 08:21:43 AM
Little me,

I wish you luck with your meeting. 

One suggetions you might consider is this:  if you
have the meeting and its difficult or you feel overwhelmed, ask if you can
take a little break and then continue.  Hopefully, the meeting will go smoothly
and be productive for you and your family.

Many blessings to you. 

Take good care of yourself Little ME.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Barbie on November 21, 2010, 11:15:00 AM
Little me,

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt, what have you got to lose? That way you know you've done all that you can.
                           Good luck.
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: luise.volta on November 21, 2010, 12:00:30 PM
And remember, we go with you in a little pocket over your heart. Sending love...
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: little me on November 28, 2010, 07:27:30 PM
So far, have not heard anything from Son or DIL about the supposed meeting. 
I'm feeling better about it, and re-read all posts for a heads up.
Thanks again, will keep you posted:)

Sometimes waiting is not so bad... ::)
Title: Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
Post by: Pen on November 28, 2010, 08:02:59 PM
Thinking of you, LM. I'm glad you're feeling better.