WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 02:10:52 PM

Title: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 02:10:52 PM
well, I'm actually ashamed to admit this....however, my DIL calls my son's dad and step mom, mom and dad....and she calls me by my first name.

Yanno, it hurts sometime...not all the time, but it really hurts...and I cannot believe they don't call his step mom by her first name?  She is not his mother and I could understand even more if I were not here, but it's like sticking a knife in my back and twisting it...

I say I have forgiven her for what she's done, and yet, every time I'm around her she always says something mean to stick the knife in once again...like the last time, when I bumped into them...she said, Creme, when you were there, did DIL work?  I looked at her funny and wondered where this was leading, and she always sets you up like this...I replied, "no?"  She said, "well she did when we were there and we had GD all to ourselves?????"

Why is it, I always get last dibs...why is it, when they are home they stay with his father more...? 

a good friend told me once, "your son loves you very much, you can see the light in his eyes when he is with you" Well, if that be the cae, then why can't he see how much it would hurt him if his daughter would call someone else dad?

I guess I haven't totally forgiven her....she slapped my son across the face several times and said terrible things to him and really was abusive to him...very mean and manipulative....and she hated me for bring it to the surface...for exposing her...and the thing that really upset me was....his own father, sided with her, he had to be right at all costs...

I was coming out of thebathroom at the hearing and they're attorney who had a very bad reputation called me unthinkable names....I mean, litereally unthinkable names..?

And never have they apologized once, although she did apologize to my son....that she did do and she promised him she would never do it again, however, if she had, I'd have gone after her, sorry but nobody hits my child across the face...I never did?????

My girlfriend once suggested that my son does this b/c he feels his father needs him more then I do...that he views me as being very strong and his father as weak....however...how and why would you call another woman mom, when your mom is still alive....?  Iknow they love the idea of being a part of a big family....a family I could never have or give to my son....and  I guess, cuz I so wanted more children and couldn't have them...it hurts....it really hurts....

now I didn't tell you the whole story, my son's father adopted her 3 kids as his own when they were very little, and they call him dad, b/c they're father died when they were dating.  and the kids were very little...so you need to know that part...they told me they wanted son to not feel like an outsider, and I can understand that to, butit still hurts deep....well, I count my lucky stars that DILand I resolved our differences....so, I guess I should be thinking of that and not allow the negative  thoughts in...can't change it...and wouldn't want my son to do anything he doesn't want to do..or my DIL....at least they have a large family...something

I know, I know, I'm being very jealous, selfish and foolish...
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: MLW07 on September 10, 2010, 02:16:55 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I don't think you are being selfish or foolish.  You may be jealous, but who wouldn't be.  You are only human.  Keep the faith and know you son loves you.
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 02:22:54 PM
MLWo7
thanks for the response and for your kindness....
it's good to see you, how are you feeling?

hope the pregnancy is going well.....

hugs and thanks
Creme
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 02:27:43 PM
Creme, your son's step mother is not a threat to your Daughter in law that's why.  Don't you dare feel badly about feeling sad today.
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: MLW07 on September 10, 2010, 02:29:03 PM
Creme-

I am feeling great!  No morning sickness...just a case of the hives.  Being pregnant has resulted in a new food allergy.  Thank you so much for asking and please remember to keep your head held high!
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 02:57:50 PM
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 02:27:43 PM
Creme, your son's step mother is not a threat to your Daughter in law that's why.  Don't you dare feel badly about feeling sad today.

Thanks so much, really do appreciate your kindness
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 02:59:58 PM
Quote from: MLW07 on September 10, 2010, 02:29:03 PM
Creme-

I am feeling great!  No morning sickness...just a case of the hives.  Being pregnant has resulted in a new food allergy.  Thank you so much for asking and please remember to keep your head held high!

Oh, that's good news, I was a bit worried, b/c you haven't posted in a while...so thanks for coming back and letting me know...

I will, just wish I knew how to overcome these awful feelings I have..jealousy, wishing it were me...yanno? 

I must think about what I have, and how far we've come, and not what I don't have....listen to my own advice, right...?
;D
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 10, 2010, 03:00:39 PM
You are not jealous and foolish. Read this from Shakespeare "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is. To have a thankless child! Away, away!"

And a thankless DIL? Yes..."away, away!" Sending love...
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 03:02:12 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 10, 2010, 03:00:39 PM
You are not jealous and foolish. Read this from Shakespeare "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is. To have a thankless child! Away, away!"

And a thankless DIL? Yes..."away, away!" Sending love...

OMG, Luise, how are you feeling, how are things going?  I'm so surprised to see you?

thank you kindly for your words....
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 10, 2010, 03:15:38 PM
I'm OK. 2nd day post-op.

And I just want to remind you that you don't have to look very far to find jealous and foolish. Ah, yes...there she is!

We just have to keep letting go until it takes...that is until we stop taking it back! Lotsa love!
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 03:22:06 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 10, 2010, 03:15:38 PM
I'm OK. 2nd day post-op.

And I just want to remind you that you don't have to look very far to find jealous and foolish. Ah, yes...there she is!

We just have to keep letting go until it takes...that is until we stop taking it back! Lotsa love!


LOL
well take care....(should you be reading?) bad bad girl....
and seriously, thanks for taking the time to come in and comment...
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 10, 2010, 03:28:09 PM
Look at the number of posts you have contributed! You're FAMILY!  8) (Here I am...wearing dark glasses! Good girl!)
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 03:31:19 PM
yeah well, all the number of posts mean is I have a big big mouth....
but thanks again so much, can't tell you how much you and the other ladies here have helped me...I appreciate for your help and friendship.
now, go rest those eyes...and takecarea you!
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 10, 2010, 03:32:47 PM
Yes, mam... :-)
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 03:53:17 PM
you're great, Creme.   :)
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: Miss Understood on September 11, 2010, 04:23:36 AM
Oh Creme, You don't have to feel ashamed of having a piece of jealousy in you at all. I know for a fact that your DIL doesn't see your DS's Step mom as a threat to her and she knows it wounds you and that is why she is moving closer to her....it's her weapon against you.

I am in the same boat. I raised my DS, I am the one who worked really hard at ensuring that my DS and his dad had a relationship even though his father did some horrible things to me. I am just that type of forgiving person. All through my DS's life he struggled with his father, for some reason they butted heads. I received phone calls weekly from my ex about how my DS was ignoring him, won't call him back, argues with him, etc. Go figure. I was always supportive to him and his wife....we all became friends in a sense. I thought I could trust my ex and his wife. I helped my DS in develping a relationship with them...I never felt jealous because when My DS and DIL had the baby...I was the one they asked to Babysit and they would come here more and made me feel like "normal" a part of the family. Well...now looking back, I can see the scenario's of the knife and weapons that my DIL uses with my ex and his wife. The comments, the games and now....my ex and his wife are the only ones who babysit besides her mom and they are over there every weekend according to his friends and our whole side gets the silent treatment. What is really proof that DIL is knowing this would upset me is that she used to always say negative things about my ex and his wife. That is why I know this is only because it is being used to punish and hurt me. I mentioned last week that I ran into my ex at a public place and he turned around and ran from me. At first I was so upset and then it dawned on me that he couldn't face me because he knows in his heart the truth and he is happier that he is on top and I am out because he never had it. Your ex and his wife might encouage it because their passive aggression towards you is their punishment as well. You were #1 to your son and this is their way of standing on top of you and being the leaders in a very confusing and controlling way.
You've helped me and now I am bringing stuff to you. Remember....you are his mom and always will be his mom! ALWAYS!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 11, 2010, 08:23:28 AM
Beloved Creme and Blooming Miss Understood - We all need to remember that there are emotional tides in us that ebb and flow. We are not always strong and rational...because we aren't "always" anything. We are multifaceted and yes, even multidimensional. We have old pockets of hurt that get reactivated and we all have a Soul that doesn't have a spot on it anyplace. Our humanness, in contrast, is covered with polka dots because that's the way we were put together. Self-love is what heals. The love of others is a many-splendored thing but it has a life of it's own, as we have all learned. Talk about ebbing and flowing! When we learn to let others follow their own path and let go of our expectations we grow. We don't do it all the time...we can't...bit we can do it more and more often.
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 11, 2010, 12:25:38 PM
Miss Understood
My DIL and I have been getting along fine....and I don't believe she is doing it to hurt me, she wouldn't do that...my son has been calling her mom for a long time, they made him feel like he had to, and I know DIL feels the same, they are very over powering, however, even so, there is no malace meant by it, it just hurts sometime...and I thought perhaps someone might have a suggestion as to how I could deal with it better...my son has been calling her mom since he was 8 years old...I never liked it but had to learn to live with it...I just don't like the woman and probably never will....she's very mean spirited to me, but nice to my son, so, that's all I could ask for....
and she is good to my DIL...I just don't think I'll ever forget what they did to my son...but there have been big changes since then, it was a long time ago...

Louise, thank you, I know what  your saying is true...
just need to move on down the road....

Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 11, 2010, 01:00:41 PM
 I can get to that place. I forgive, but I never trust again.
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: barelythere on September 11, 2010, 04:28:54 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 11, 2010, 01:00:41 PM
I can get to that place. I forgive, but I never trust again.

Me either.  I go in with all the love and trust in the world----would do anything for the person but when I'm slapped down, I never trust that person again.  I do forgive but that doesn't mean I get in the pond and wallow around with them anymore.
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 11, 2010, 04:35:13 PM
Yup, once trust is broken...it's just broken. Forgiveness helps but it's something altogether different.
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cdb on September 13, 2010, 04:00:08 AM
I really like this post and the replies. I use to be a wallower in the pond etc. Without this post, I would have not learned this now or would not have any knowledge of how to change. Love you All! And I will call you mom any day :) You have been like one to me, creme. cdb :)
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cremebrulee on September 13, 2010, 08:57:28 AM
Quote from: cdb on September 13, 2010, 04:00:08 AM
I really like this post and the replies. I use to be a wallower in the pond etc. Without this post, I would have not learned this now or would not have any knowledge of how to change. Love you All! And I will call you mom any day :) You have been like one to me, creme. cdb :)

CDB
I'm glad there was something in this post that helped you, and do so appreciate your loving kindness....
Creme

Louise, thank you for the many words which always present food for thought...
Hugs
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: Scoop on September 13, 2010, 12:23:11 PM
Creme, I think you need your yardstick re-calibrated.  I think that comparing yourself to someone else (i.e. using THEIR yardstick) is the worst thing - you'll never measure up that way.

Because, really, DIL should call you by your first name.  It shows that you are equals.  It doesn't matter what they call StepMom, because that represents their dynamic with her.  Maybe your son was strong-armed into it as a child and now he doesn't feel like he can change it.  And DIL just continued calling her what DS calls her.  You don't know.   Also, haven't you ever just 'clicked' with someone?  Well, maybe DIL and StepMom "clicked".  From your descriptions, it sounds like they deserve each other.  That's a club you don't need to join.

As for DIL 'working', that was just a dig from StepMom.  Change your yardstick.  "Oh I was so glad to be able to spend time with ALL OF THEM.  It's wonderful to see DIL being a mother, she's such a good mother.  It's too bad that DIL couldn't take time off to spend with you."  Do you see that those are 2 sides of same coin?

As for DIL slapping your son.  You know, a friend of mine once said "You'll never hear: "On the next Oprah, Man Takes Wife Out For Nice Dinner".   What it means is that you generally don't hear the 'good things' going on in anyone else's marriage.  You'll hear them complain about their spouses behaviour, but they won't tell you about the apology.  They've obviously negotiated their relationship, and it's working for THEM.  Unfortunately, it's not really any of your business. 

I know it sucks.  Especially when someone's is being abusive.  But, even if the abuse was continuing, you couldn't MAKE him leave her.  All you can do is be supportive and listen and be there to pick up the pieces.   Which is something you can't do if you've burned your bridges.

- - - - Now for something completely different and I know I'm making some assumptions here- - - -

I don't want this to seem like I'm bringing up the past to hurt you, but is it possible that you see all of these things through the filter of your past?   I can see where you would have sensitivity towards 'Mother' issues and violence issues.

You know you were a better Mom than your BioMom.  DS calling another woman Mom doesn't diminish your role.  He doesn't have "Mom" issues, because he had a good Mom.

Is StepMom pushing your buttons especially hard because she's doing things your BioMom would do?

DS has forgiven DIL for hitting him.  He didn't grow up with violence (I think), so getting slapped across the face doesn't mean the same thing to him.  And a woman hitting a man is not the same thing as a man hitting a woman or an adult hitting a child.

Creme - I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings here.  I'm just trying to make you see things differently.
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: Pen on September 13, 2010, 06:10:24 PM
Creme, I'm thinking of you. You've got a complicated situation to deal with and you've managed it all with class and grace. Sometimes these emotions catch up with us, and it's OK to have a little setback from time to time. {{{hugs}}}
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: luise.volta on September 13, 2010, 10:33:37 PM
Creme...Sending love...
Title: Re: Please help me see the logic...
Post by: cdb on October 01, 2010, 05:09:00 AM
Sending love too. I am overspilling with stress and I have nothing to give right now, but my best wishes and that I care. cdb