I need to ask a serious question to DILs and MILs alike. Since the DILs don't like us or want to have a relationship with us, why do they talk endlessly about us on about 30 sites devoted to their problems with us?
I'd like to know, once and for all. They complain that we're not nice to them but no matter what we do, they still don't like us. If we are to maintain a relationship with their husband's and children, how do we climb this mountain? They are the total key to this.
Assuming they really want us out of their lives....how do we do that?
As a new person here, I may not be the best to answer, but I have a thought:
I think some people will post on multiple sites, because they want validation. A MIL site might not be the best place for a DIL to get help, just as a DIL site might not be the best place for a MIL to find help.
Sometimes, all we want is a place to vent, where people will support us, and maybe we can get it out of our systems before we take it out on someone else.
_______________________________________________________________________
Edited to add: I had to go back and reread your post, because I think you are asking something else out of frustration (sorry if I am getting this wrong)
I need to ask a serious question to DILs and MILs alike. Since the DILs don't like us or want to have a relationship with us, why do they talk endlessly about us on about 30 sites devoted to their problems with us?
Just as you are asking out of frustration, I think the other party may be doing the same thing out of frustration
I'd like to know, once and for all. They complain that we're not nice to them
but no matter what we do, they still don't like us. If we are to maintain a relationship with their husband's and children, how do we climb this mountain?
They are the total key to this.I think that once a hurt has happened, and not been addressed, and then another hurt is piled on top of it, and then another...and so on....that an effort to be nice, does not take away the previous hurts. I also do not believe that the other party is the total key to a situation, they may have more control, but are not the absolute answer(no matter who is right and who is wrong).
Assuming they really want us out of their lives....how do we do that? You simply stop. No more, he said, she said. No more unreasonable demands (what the other party considers unreasonable, not you <and I am thinking in terms of you think it is OK to call on Saturday at 6:30 and the other party does not>). And finally, a true and sincere apology that specifically owns up to issues, not a non apology or a sorry for whatever I did. (I think for a relationship to work, it takes these things on both sides to happen) and then you let things settle down. Sometimes time will soften things
*~*~*~* Okay – disclaimer – I re-read this and I don't want anyone to feel attacked, so below, wherever I say "you", I don't mean you Chickie or anyone in particular, I'm talking about 'you' in general.
The DIL sites are there for the same reason that this site is here. They are dealing with a relationship that troubles them and they want to talk about it to people in the same situation. I think that the majority of DIL's would like to have at least a decent relationship with their MIL, just like everyone here would like to have a decent relationship with their DIL.
However, often they are dealing with irrational people, just like the MIL's here are.
Sometimes it's a matter of being two REALLY different people, with REALLY different expectations, with no idea on how to meet in the middle. I'm thinking of Catchingup's story about her DS's IL's offering a 3rd party, verbal invitation and how she thought that was rude, but other people don't think it's rude at all. Who's right? Who needs to bend?
I strongly believe that the Son/Husband really needs to step up in these situations. It's in his best interests to have his Mom and his Wife get along, he knows them both really well, he knows what makes them tick, and what ticks them off. If he put forth the effort, he could really smooth things out between them.
So I would say that you should start working on your relationship with your Son. Try and change your expectations. Try and make every encounter stress-free and enjoyable. Give up the past, you can't change it, you can only learn from it. When you've gotten your relationship back on track with your son, ask him to help you out with your relationship with DIL. Tell him what your goals are, you're not likely going to be best friends, or maybe not even friendly, maybe all you can hope for is Civil. Ask him what you can do for / with your grandkids and what to avoid.
Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. So reconsider and see where YOU can bend. And sadly, it will likely have to be you, the DIL has 'the prize' – i.e. the kids, and if you want to see them, you'll have to follow her rules. Of course, you should not compromise yourself or subject yourself to abuse. But it might help you to start thinking that when people say rude things it's about THEM, not about you. I've learned that when someone does something or says something that makes me go "Huh? Where did THAT come from?", it's always due to an insecurity on their part and really has nothing at all to do with me. And so, it doesn't hurt me, because I don't let it.
I wrote in another post about "if I say something and it can be taken two ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I meant the other way". If you can start thinking like that, that MOST people don't mean to make you cry, they mean it the other way – it helps your whole outlook. Sometimes it's a stretch to try and think of how else they could mean it, but then you go back to the "it's about THEM, not me", and so it doesn't hurt.
I wish everyone adopted that philosophy, because it frees you from reacting to other people. So if someone cuts me off in traffic, I try and assume that they're in a rush to the hospital or something. Because in the end, it doesn't MATTER if they meant to be jerks or not, if I assume that they didn't, and thus I don't get mad, or hurt or whatever, then I've taken away their power over my mood.
Anyway, just something to think about.
Enough,
I am frustrated as you can tell and I do appreciate your thoughts very much. What we/I don't understand is what is it that we are doing or not doing that causes them to do the things they do?
Assuming they will never like us and don't want us in their lives, I don't know what we're supposed to do?
This is the only place that I know of where we can post our thoughts and situations without being ganged up on. All was well in our homes until they married.
Or, is the following true: a friend of mine, long standing, told his son, "if you ever allow your wife to treat your Mother and I like Chickie's son's wife treated them, I will never speak to you again."
His son said: "Dad, that could not have been a good home if their son allowed that treatment"
I can tell you that that broke my heart and I'll never forget it. I'm beginning to believe it. How could it not be true? I will admit to anything I think I've done wrong. (my husband says that's one of my flaws, I'll admit to anything when most people won't)
I don't care; I want the truth. No one knows our home but us. To us, it was great but really, if my friend's son was right, it must not have been for this to turn out like it has.
Thank you, Scoop. I am going to try to remember "it's about them"
Coming from a background where I could not do an "it's about them", you can see where this is hard for me.
I agree with Enough,we all need to feel validated.When we are having problems with some one,and cant talk it out with them,we seek to find some validation for our feelings.
I found that here,the first time i posted.I dont feel the need to go to another site.
I dont know why some one would post on several sites,but thats just me.
The more I read here, the more I am trying to get a handle on my own situation. No matter who wins, everyone loses. I have great sympathy for all parties who are truly between a rock and a hard place (myself included).
What is it, Enough? Maybe we can help.
When I look at it objectively, most of it is just fluff (pointed non-gifts, slighting comments, etc) but there was a line crossed, that cannot be uncrossed and it almost cost me my marriage. I have since decided that non-contact is for the best, and it has truly "unleashed the beast", who has told me that I could never come between a mother and son, and is using everything in her passive/agressive arsenal to prove it.
Enough, what is PA...laptop's question mark doesn't work.....is it passive aggressive
She is wrong about no one can come between a mother and son. I don't know what she did but I'll bet you she would be sorry about it now.
First of all Chickie, they are not doing anything differently then we're doing...they need a place to vent, granted, some of them get really mean, however, there a tons of DIL's that don't feel like them...i.e. our DIL's here and by the way, I haven't seen them for a while...where are our DIL's?
Anyway, moving along...Chickie, they are human, remember that, and even though they are angry, hurt, insecure, etc...the majority of them, I am sure, are hurting to...
They are young, immature, and if you go back to when you were anywhere from 20 - 40 you could probably relate...when we're young, we know it all and resent anyone who gives us advice...
When we were young, we were not patient...we were sometimes very brutal verbally with our anger...we acted out in very bad ways....we talked about people...
So are they really any different..No...and the only thing I can say is this, they will someday be in they're 60's with very little time left...and to me, 10 years left goes very quickly...and then unfortunately the majority of them will not only understand, but also, probably be very sorry they were so mean...
I know it's no consulation Chickie, and I can't tell you how to find peace...except letting go...and moving on...letting go is not an easy thing to do...some never can...but maybe in explaining to you this way, you might be able to....I cannot rely on my son and his wife for my happiness...I'm the only guy in the world who is going to make me happy...I had my son, and was blessed, raised him, spent many long hours of happiness and laughter with not only him but his friends...however time changes things...life must change...we evolve, and must learn to move on....and let go...really give them they're independence and freedom....love is not possessive, it is not controlling, it is not smothering....
I think this is the hardest part of being a parent...fortunately some parents are blessed with the greatest and most mature loving DIL's....and those DIL's realize the importance of family and all the things I've posted...I know we all wish we had one of those DIL's but unfortunately, we didn't get them....and also remember this...
People who come from a very dysfunctional home, come with baggage...it's not you, it's them...they do not know how to socialize, they do not know how not to react badly to situations...they don't know the importance of allowing people they're time in the sun...it is only and always all about they're feelings.
there are tons of great DIL's out there, however, they are not in here giving they're testimony's b/c they don't have to vent, they are not hurting, they are in fact in harmony with they're families...they understand the importance of they're husbands having a relationship with they're parents....they are secure, confident and able to view a much bigger picture...
I don't know if I've helped at all, however, I do know the pain you feel...
what you have to do is conquere and not base your happiness on son's and they're wives any more, and start a new life with your hubby.
Heres another idea I thought of....my real mother is the most dysfunctional woman I've ever known...when I was little I hated her and hated myself for hating her, then one day I realized, due to the way she was raised, she did the best that she could do, given the tools she had to work with...she couldn't do any better, she wasn't capable, and I feel very sorry for her, and for our DIL's....they really don't know any better, it is they're way of surviving, all they learned from they're parents...
I appreciate that, creme. I really do. I did not have a family so as you can see, this one was the only chance I had.
Enough,sounds like your in a really bad situation right now.I hope things don't escalate to the point it cant ever be repaired.
If you dont mind,please explain more.......what ever you are comfortable with though.
Yes 2CB, p/a = passive/aggressive (I cheat because I can never spell aggressive :P )
First she would have to actually acknowledge what she did, but she feels she has done nothing except be a concerned and caring mother.
This is why I have come to this site, to see how other MIL's and DIL's look at things. And that is enough of Enough hijacking someone else's thread ;-)
Enough, you're saying that she does know what she did and is telling you in a passive aggressive way that she.....I don't know what I'm trying to say here.
She's passively trying to communicate what she did or didn't do?
(I am lost)
Maybe she does really feel this way.Some times all of us do things,and other people can perceive things totally different than how we meant it.
How does your husband see it?
She knows very well, but sees it as supporting her son instead of breaking up a marriage.
hello? Huh?
Okay, she knows what she's doing but is doing this for her son instead of breaking up the marriage?
Is she trying to break up the marriage?
I guess we need more info to what lead up to this..........and don't be afraid to open up.all of us here are looking for answers
I am butchering this! I think I am going to try and write something logical and fair and post it on a new thread...instead of taking over someone else's (sorry for my rudeness OP!!)
But I think this thread truly answers the original question, why do we post? Because we want someone to say...HEY I HEAR YOU!!!
Oh but Chickie - it's NOT your only chance! There are SO many people out there that need and want loving people in their lives. Can you volunteer? My daughter's school is always looking for nice ladies to come and supervise the kids during lunch. And the kids just adore the lunch ladies. And I know for a fact that these women are not related to anyone in the school, they just offered and got scooped up.
Are you good with sick people? older people? battered women?
You have so much love to give, pass it on and hand it out to everyone else and you'll see, things can only get better. Maybe your DS needs a little break to ease off the pressure and also to MISS you. You know the old "you don't know what you have 'til it's gone?" How can he miss you if you don't leave him be for a while? Not forever, not cut off or anything, just BUSY with other things and people.
Chickie, You're right to say that dil's are the key to everything and I must add that we have to remember that we are at their mercy. If you have a relashionship with your son and are able to see your grandkids, then consider yourself lucky, as for the dil just ignore her, don't let her get to you, really, that's all we can do.
Assuming that they really want us out of their lives? What can we do? Be happy for all the years we had when they were growing up, be happy that because of the fine upbringing that we gave them they are good members of society, be happy that they can take care of temselves, their wives and children...
Enough, we do hear you....you have not taken over a thread. we are not rule bound here. Thank you for talking to me
Dear Scoop,
I run a business here so I'm very busy, though you'd never know it. I do have a lot of love to give and i have given it till I'm half dead.
I never bother my sons. One son's wife used to call all the time till I finally found out that she was the ring leader in ousting our other DIL. I'm trying
Guest1,
I am happy for them...they are not dependent on us financially. They have been educated completely and do not need us for that. I guess that's one reason some of them stick by their parents. I wish they needed us for something, though.
Quote from: guest1 on March 09, 2010, 11:25:21 AM
Chickie, to answer your first question. people talk because it makes them feel good. The rest I'm not sure you want to hear. You're right to say that dil's are the key to everything and I must add that we have to remember that we are at their mercy. If you have a relashionship with your son and are able to see your grandkids, then consider yourself lucky, as for the dil just ignore her, don't let her get to you, really, that's all we can do.
Assuming that they really want us out of their lives? What can we do? Be happy for all the years we had when they were growing up, be happy that because of the fine upbringing that we gave them they are good members of society, be happy that they can take care of temselves, their wives and children...
ohhhhh boy, did you say a mouth full, the most horrible plight of a mother and son's relationship is whether or not, the DIL approves...she does hold the key, and she is the one who decides if son continues to have a real relationship with his mom....in most cases that there are problems...in the happy relationships, this isn't really an issue.
I'm very very blessed when I think of my childhood and the family who took me in...God, I could be just like my mother or DIL...at least I know...a happy childhood and a very happy time being a mother...even bearing him was the greatest experience.
Quote from: Enough on March 09, 2010, 11:24:05 AM
I am butchering this! I think I am going to try and write something logical and fair and post it on a new thread...instead of taking over someone else's (sorry for my rudeness OP!!)
But I think this thread truly answers the original question, why do we post? Because we want someone to say...HEY I HEAR YOU!!!
Enough, I think you should post your story...I believe you would recieve a lot of honest and caring feedback....
I hope you do....
Creme
Quote from: Enough on March 09, 2010, 10:58:18 AM
When I look at it objectively, most of it is just fluff (pointed non-gifts, slighting comments, etc) but there was a line crossed, that cannot be uncrossed and it almost cost me my marriage. I have since decided that non-contact is for the best, and it has truly "unleashed the beast", who has told me that I could never come between a mother and son, and is using everything in her passive/agressive arsenal to prove it.
I would like you to read the thread "My story with my MIL" and the story I gave on page 2.
My marriage also suffered and if your mother-in-law is making snide comments please I beg of you answer her back on the spot.
Ask her what she means by that or ask her if she is trying to hurt you.--
Sometimes we are so shocked we say nothing.
How I wish I had answered her back sooner than I did. All the things left unsaid are never resolved within us. We carry them with us
To this day I think of some of the things she did and said and I say to myself "What a butch"
I knew it would be wrong to keep her son away from her and I never did.
She was a very controlling person(so was her son for that matter)
I would however, never allow my children to be alone with her because she was a real sergeant major.
I have nothing against children being taught to stand up when an adult enters the room but to make your own children stand up and say"Good evening sir" to their own father is
bull. That is the kind of thing she would have tried.
I did not trust her and was convinced she would go as far as putting my children against me.
She tried to break up our marriage after she realized she had lost control of me.
That was ten years after I met my husband and six years after we were married.
I now have a future daughter-in-law giving me a hard time and all I want to do is never,ever be an interfering mother-in-law.
Most of the trouble comes from the sons mothers side and I have reached a point where I am thinking"There is no solution"
I do not have Grandchildren yet so I am in no position to say how I would feel if my DIL's kept them away from me. What I do know is that apparently most Grandmothers are besotted with grandchildren.
So I think to myself"I cannot miss something that I dont get involved with"so I will protect myself by not getting close to the Grandchildren
I mean they will grow up and have a long live in front of them when Grandmothers dont have much time left so why waste time by having ones life revolve round them.
I know I may sound hard but actually I am a very sensitive person and sensitive to other peoples feelings.
What can I say but that there seems to be no solution.
Chicky to answer your question, I think its like my XMIL. No matter who her son marries or dates, she won't like her. Why she won't like his SO I have no idea, but she just won't. She never liked anyone he dated.
So maybe with your DIL, she'll never like her DH's M. Even if she leaves your son and marries Prince William himself, she'll end up hating the Queen just because she is his M.
Its sad, but there are just weird, irrational people out there whose logic makes NO sense. I learned that early on and I'm only 31. :( And those of us who have to deal with them seek out peers who understand. Thus this site and many others.
I think I stand more of a chance with DDIL (distant DIL) than CDIL, who Iwas a slave to. They both are pieces of work but I guess we all have some very strange people we have to put up with, Second Wife.
Your story is sad. I just can't stand drill sargeants. I think if I had been stronger I could have done better.
I pick up on all things going on, all feelings put out in a room. It's awful...I bring a lot of this on myself because I am too sensitive. I don't think any of you or anyone else for that matter knows exactly how sensitive I am.
If it's always "about them", which I'm trying desperately to understand, then a lot of this is "about me" in my picking up signals that may or may not be towards me.
Quote from: catchingup on March 09, 2010, 01:37:45 PM
Quote from: Enough on March 09, 2010, 10:58:18 AM
When I look at it objectively, most of it is just fluff (pointed non-gifts, slighting comments, etc) but there was a line crossed, that cannot be uncrossed and it almost cost me my marriage. I have since decided that non-contact is for the best, and it has truly "unleashed the beast", who has told me that I could never come between a mother and son, and is using everything in her passive/agressive arsenal to prove it.
I would like you to read the thread "My story with my MIL" and the story I gave on page 2.
My marriage also suffered and if your mother-in-law is making snide comments please I beg of you answer her back on the spot.
Ask her what she means by that or ask her if she is trying to hurt you.--
Sometimes we are so shocked we say nothing.
How I wish I had answered her back sooner than I did. All the things left unsaid are never resolved within us. We carry them with us
To this day I think of some of the things she did and said and I say to myself "What a butch"
I knew it would be wrong to keep her son away from her and I never did.
She was a very controlling person(so was her son for that matter)
I would however, never allow my children to be alone with her because she was a real sergeant major.
I have nothing against children being taught to stand up when an adult enters the room but to make your own children stand up and say"Good evening sir" to their own father is
bull. That is the kind of thing she would have tried.
I did not trust her and was convinced she would go as far as putting my children against me.
She tried to break up our marriage after she realized she had lost control of me.
That was ten years after I met my husband and six years after we were married.
I now have a future daughter-in-law giving me a hard time and all I want to do is never,ever be an interfering mother-in-law.
Most of the trouble comes from the sons mothers side and I have reached a point where I am thinking"There is no solution"
I do not have Grandchildren yet so I am in no position to say how I would feel if my DIL's kept them away from me. What I do know is that apparently most Grandmothers are besotted with grandchildren.
So I think to myself"I cannot miss something that I dont get involved with"so I will protect myself by not getting close to the Grandchildren
I mean they will grow up and have a long live in front of them when Grandmothers dont have much time left so why waste time by having ones life revolve round them.
I know I may sound hard but actually I am a very sensitive person and sensitive to other peoples feelings.
What can I say but that there seems to be no solution.
I think you've bought much food for thought to the table...
and believe your right in answering back right away...I didn't and that wasn't me...but I was so afraid...I knew my DIL held the key to seeing my son and any grand children I'd have, so I didn't want to make any waves...instead I took it but not well...I did act out, by clamming up...wrong very wrong...
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 09, 2010, 10:43:34 AM
Or, is the following true: a friend of mine, long standing, told his son, "if you ever allow your wife to treat your Mother and I like Chickie's son's wife treated them, I will never speak to you again."
His son said: "Dad, that could not have been a good home if their son allowed that treatment"
Chickie,
Your friend's son wasn't really thinking a logical thought there in my estimation. He was making a superficial assessment as to "how" your son was raised. He made a snap judgement about events then, based on events now, without having the facts from those years.
I know my sons thought at one time I was just the meanest person on the earth....because I treated them like my children, not my friends. They had the rules list and they knew the punishments that awaited them when they broke them. They really had to prove their side of the story more than once. Thank God their "AH-HA" moments came early after they hit adulthood. They both realize that they really were better off now, because I was strict with them then.
My niece, who was a terror to raise, always told me she wished I had raised her. She thought I would have been easier on her than her own mother (she thought her mother was so rough on her....NOT). My oldest just laughed his head off and told her "oh no, you would have been cussing her up one side and down the other trying to get your own way. Mom would have sat on your butt big time. AND you still wouldn't have gotten your way". She just thought I was easier from what she saw....she really didn't think about what was going on because she couldn't experience our family's way. So she didn't have ALL the facts... leading her down a faulty logic loop.
So don't worry about that comment being true...you did the absolute best job you could have..at the time you were living it. Now you need to stop second guessing yourself. As much as people would like to...you don't get "do-overs", one just has to pick their bodies up and keep on trying to do the best they can.
I think part of the reason that they post on other sites is because all women, no matter if they are a dil or a mil want to hear that they are right. We don't like being told we are wrong. On this site, the daughters are the ones who are wrong, the others sites the mothers are wrong, and they are looking for someone who is on their side. They want someone to give them the approval to continue what they are doing. We are competitive by nature. We daughters want to be the only ones who are right in our marriage and with our children. I hate it when my mil gives her opinion because it makes me feel like she is putting me down or treating me like I'm not good enough. The other websites are a place for the girls to feel like they are not alone but they don't want to fix anything because they want to feel like they are in the right.
Kinzey,it's not about being right or wrong,it's about trying to have a loving, better functioning relationship.I'm not perfect,and dont try to be.When you come from a place,of having to be right,i think thats just foolish pride.I would gladly take all the blame,if it meant,having a good relationship with my son,Dil,and grandchildren.I would do it in a heart beat!
My question is; if a MIL stays away, would a DIL feel better? Honestly (no sarcasm intended). Let's say, we don't get along, and both are okay with that.
Quote from: renny97 on March 10, 2010, 07:56:42 AM
My question is; if a MIL stays away, would a DIL feel better? Honestly (no sarcasm intended). Let's say, we don't get along, and both are okay with that.
I cut my son and DIL out of my life for 2 years...it wasn't a snap decission, I had been thinking about it for a long long time...I didn't want them to argue over me...or about me...or have this effect they're marriage...also, I have MS, therefore, every time there was a visit that went bad, it really was upsetting for such a long time.
In that time I cut them out of my life, not once did either one of them call...so I'm assuming they were both happy with it...and I didn't call them either...or my GD...so, I really do believe, DIL was happy with it...
Quote from: Anna on March 10, 2010, 08:55:30 AM
Creme. I'm so sorry. I don't think your son was happy. I think your son, like mine just goes along to keep peace. If I came between my hubby & his mom I would feel terrible. I don't understand how anyone could be happy after coming between two people that love each other. You must have agonized soooooo, before coming to your decision. I know I have considered cutting son & dil out of my life, but I just can't do it. Sometimes I wish I could've. It it so hard to know what to do.
I did, and as I said, I thought about it for a long long time....however, as hard as you think it's going to be...you just can't imagine the pain...it was the most awful thing I've ever done in my life...no contact, not even with Grand daughter...awful...so, I wouldn't suggest anyone do it, unless they are very strong...because for even the strongest of strong it's difficult.
I could never understand family members who don't talk to each other...b/c they had a disagreement/argument...I can't hold a grudge, and I'm only to happy to forgive...
However, neither one of them called me, and they were home 2 or 3 times and never stopped over with my GD....
When my son and I started talking I asked him...."Do you actually believe I'd slam the door in your face" Is that me, the person you know?
So, two factors here....it must have been a weight off they're marriage, and surely DIL was happy with the way it was, otherwise, she would have called....but she never initiates anything, ever. That is why I know, she will not answer my letter....if she does, I'll grow another arm out of shock....
LOL
But yeah, I agree with you, this isn't normal to do...
We didn't see our son and Gd for 6 mos. and I believe my dil was very happy but I know for a fact my son wasn't because some friends of ours went to visit them and she told me my son looked really sad when they talked about us and he made up excuses for not seeing us saying that we were to busy traveling and going on cruises and didn't have time to get together with them. Imagine that! We did go on two cruises during that time but that was only two weeks that we weren't available in 6 mos.
That's what I "got", too--Guest. Understandably, work, kids, and wife is alot. But, whenever they went on a brief trip, the other grandparents, would watch GC. Of course, they live further away than I do to son and family. Plus, if I saw GC inside of 3-4 months, GC would mention spending the night at Nan's...several times...Full-on rejection.
Renny - I have to admit that I was very jelous of the other grandmother, she has many other GK's and this is my only one, my DIL's family take over everything, they have even taken away the joy of me being a grandmother, to be honest, I really don't know what it feels like to be a grandmother yet, all my friends tell me it's wonderful, I have yet to experience it and my GD is 1 1/2 years old, it's so cruel when you think about it, I longed for a grandchild for many years, but I'm trying to get on with my life, I'm leaving everything in God's hands and I pray to Him for strength. I'm getting a lot stronger...
Guest, I have 2 GC, and other G has 5 GC. And, she is the "chosen" one. DIL's have always taken over over over eveything. I used to offer to help with baby showers, wedding, and was told they didn't
need any help. Then, I overheard guests asking why their family "had to do everthing." "Didn't the other OTHER family help?" I WAS FLOORED. DIL's M, said NOTHING! Several times, for different events I would have a dish/food planned (that DIL had asked for), and DIL, maybe once, told me not to bring that because her sister was gonna bring it!
DIL, knew I had limited means, and practically laughed when I looked disappointed at the
last-minute change.The rest of the times, I would buy something, and when DIL discovered that
her parents got the same gift, would tell my son to tell me to "take it back" because they already got
had one and didn't need it. They were priority! I had to travel to return the gift; microwave, etc. This happened repeatedly throughout the years. And, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS!?
Add, that, to all the other games--and, being kept from seeing GC--! After, the first GC was born,
I went over to see if I could get them anything and DIL wraps baby up and son saw look on my
face--DIL was going to her mother's 40 miles away! Maybe "coincidence"? Okay, she continued to
do this every time I came for the 6 months! ????
I was in tears when I told this to my own M who was still alive then. She called over my son, and
told my son what was happening and that, I'd like to see the baby. She said his wife was running
out the door every time I go over--he said, "I didn't realize it got this bad." Oh my!
So, that is the fond memories of GC days. Pitiful.
Then, as a "JOKE" she whispered she was "gonna shove ya down the stairs." "Nothing wrong here!"
And, I actually used to feel bad about the timing of my visits.."maybe" I did something "wrong"?
NOT anymore!!!!!!!! SHE is BIZARRE!!!!
All I think of now is, "GOOD LUCK!"
You didn't do anything wrong,Renny. It's her; it's them. They know how they are treating you. You can't do anything, sadly, about it. I hear you. Sending much love. :)
So sad, so heartbreaking. Thinking of all of the GPs here who have so much love to give and aren't honored the way they should be. We have to be our own cheerleaders to get through this unfair, unnecessary situation. No GC for me yet, but I've been "told" that we'll be out and DILs parents will be everything. DS assured me that he'll make sure it doesn't happen, but I'm bracing myself. Hugs to you, Renny and Guest1! And to all the GPs here who are disposessed!
Thanks, and Hugs, Chicki. I am almost embarrassed now at how much I put up with. All, in the
name of the son.
Thank you, Anna. No wonder you are sunshine!
For every "power surge" I have in the positive direction, I "fall back" on a dark
memory. I keep working on putting those to rest. I now am aware of what I need to do, but not
easy. This situation, reminds me of the weather--have to go with the changes.
It is georgeous weather today! That helps!!!!
Me too, Renny. I fall back on dark memories all the time. I wish I could stop. When I move forward, the memory jumps on me and I can't escape. What to do?
I am just way too sensitive. I feel feelings from everyone. It's horrible.
I love metaphors and quotes and another one that helps me is by a teacher that was featured
on the news because he helped so many inner-city kids get an education. Many of them turned
out to be mathematicians and professors. The teacher, wound up getting cancer, and struggled
with medical bills. Some of students, got together and raised money to pay bills off. And, when
asked what he wanted the students to know he said,
"Don't count how many times you fall on the floor; count how many times you get back up."
I've got to find out his name.
Wow!
Also, I have this trait (don't know what else it would be called), that when I have been down for
so long or like my M used to say, "had my cry", and "shake off the dust"----look out afterwards!
If anyone or anything has got me that "far down", I come out of it "spittin." I let myself, grieve the
situation and then, analyze it--this process can take some time...and, then take action. The
action part is when I have to watch my impulses.
Matters of the heart, and family, I sacrificed more than I could live with..but, I have to change
my reaction--as many have mentioned.
I think some of those memories and lessons, serve to remind me of not just darkness, but how to
move forward. In other, and many words, I won't forget--but, I will find a way to move past it. It
isn't a selfish thing as I used to think. It is not allowing others to treat me badly.
Renny
I always pick myself up but it's so much harder now. I don't have it anymore. Too many losses.
Jaime Escalante is the name of the teacher.
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-escalante7-2010mar07,0,6159259.story
I've been thinking of him lately, too...I'm not naturally upbeat and positive like him, but I'm working on it. One day at a time.
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 11, 2010, 01:30:15 PM
I always pick myself up but it's so much harder now. I don't have it anymore. Too many losses.
You still have it Chickie,it's still in you...........believe in your self,focus on all your good qualites,you have many,show your self the love and compassion that you show all of us.
Thank you, MominW,
I do want to do better....so hard!! I want to be myself again...thank you!!
Quote from: Mominwaiting on March 11, 2010, 03:08:22 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 11, 2010, 01:30:15 PM
You still have it Chickie,it's still in you...........believe in your self,focus on all your good qualites,you have many,show your self the love and compassion that you show all of us.
Mominwaiting gave you such good advice! And so true! You DO still have it and if you don't believe that, go back to our silliness on Rose's post Saturday (I think it was) night. Read your posts! You had Pen and I hanging in and hurt our sides all night long - Hey! You were so funny, I peed my pants! Truth be known, I would bet she did too :-\! HAHAHA!
I agree with Mominwaiting! If I have to change my pants and threaten to go buy diapers, you haven't lost anything but confidence! I wish you could see through our eyes! You would see a warm and loving woman who is also funny enough to make you break a rib and pee your pants!
I love you Chickie! :)
Okay, I'll try, Coco.... ;D
Chickie,do you think it might be,because you cant talk to your son you have to talk to DIL?
MominW...probably...it's sad to me.
I'm sorry for that! She doesn't know what she is missing! Or who!
Chickie,that has really bothered me,ever since you told me that.
That has to be affecting you.
What would happen if you ask to talk to him Chickie?
MominW...he would tell her what I said and I would be OUT. No can do. Other things I've asked him, she's gotten on the phone and bawled me out. Something like, "please call your brother".....that sets her off.
It's just the hand I've got and I have to play it.
Chickie,thats just awful.I'm sure your very uncomfortable talking to her.Your son never ask to talk to you,the whole time your on the phone with her?
not that I know of....it makes me sad to think about it, MominW. She's the gatekeeper. I blame him too.
Oh, Chickie, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad!. Everyone else has given you such good advice. There are so many wise women here.
Trust me, your son still loves you and knows what a wonderful mother you are. He just isn't allowed to show it any more or else he'll catch hell from your DIL. Sounds like your DIL is a manipulator she is taking total control of him by isolating him from his friends and family. In her way of thinking, everything must revolve around her, her wishes and wants. She feelings are very shallow and self-centered.
You are a lovely, caring soul, and have the gift of empathy. It's going to take time, but once you have worked your way through the stages of grief, you will take joy in life again. It won't be the same and there will be scars, but you will be OK. Each of us is so much stronger than we think we are. You deserve happiness. Look at all the good you are doing for everyone here and how much your love and kindness is appreciated and returned back to you. Your messages have meant the world to me. You have helped lift me up when I was really down. Just take it one day at a time. (((((((hug)))))))) Momma
Thank you so much, MommaCat...I have really let them get to me over all these years. I'll be okay, I hope!!! But thank you!!
A bouquet of spring flowers to all of you "Wise Women."
I can relate to all of your posts/advice.
Renny.......isn't it amazing how much we will put up with just to have our children in our life. I am right there with you.
I love that quote: "Don't count how many times you fall on the floor; count how many times you get back up."
One other thing I'd like to add.
I think we all have times when we "fall back on dark moments."
I am guilty of torturing myself by hitting the "replay" button and I play those memories back when DIL has hurt me.
I have shed buckets of tears that my son will never know about, because these incidents are behind us now, and I keep telling myself that he is happy.
There is another quote that I like that goes something like: "You are only as happy as your happiest child."
So much truth in that, as I see it with my children often.
I have another quote that I am trying to remember when I am around DIL:
Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say 2) Not saying it
;) ;) ;) ;)
Momx3, Those are really great quotes to remember.
Chickie, I agree with Momma. I pray you get stronger and are able to get past this stage in your life. Hugs.
I agree with MommaCat too! Chickie is a very special person who has an empathic gift, so it's no surprise we all love her and feel so connected!
Chickie,
You have made me feel so loved - back at ya! I hope you are feeling better today. Your dil is controling to say the least. She is showing her insecurity. Please know that it is not you - it is her problem. Would it be possible to ask your son out on a "date"? To dinner and a movie or something?
Hugs and love, Hope