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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:10:10 AM

Title: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:10:10 AM
I've been reading...

Perhaps these dil's all come from broken homes and are insecure....there are not many bad people in this world...I would hope not...just people unwillingly to accept differences and feel loved.

I think some girls don't want to be loved...they don't know how to accept love. That is why there are soo many monster in laws stories.

If you try to get along with your MIL...It will make and keep your marriage strong and your husband will love you more for your efforts.




Title: Re: How Can Your Love Love your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 05:12:24 AM
I think you're right, RedRose.....they don't know what love is.  Whatever it is to them, is not what it is to us.  Maybe closeness scares them. 

Title: Re: How Can You Love Love your MIL ?
Post by: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:19:33 AM
I think so too 2chickiebaby. Could they be jealous of our closeness to our sons? Why? It's a mother's love for their son...different that a son's love for his wife.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Love your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 05:30:23 AM
RedRose,
I think jealousy is what is behind most of it.  Control is the other thing. 
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:50:12 AM
Yes, I know Chickybaby. Control and jealousy.
We just have to try to  get along with each other and sometimes agree to disagree.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 06:07:40 AM
I can't understand why anyone would have a problem with us...probably the easiest to get along with people of all.  It's built into their DNA, though.  We're a threat to their control.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 06:18:27 AM
Controlling family member(s) NEVER help the primary husband-wife relationship OR the extended family relationships whatsoever. We all know how damaging it can be to all the members of the family.
I am very easy to get along with and all I want is time with my family...especially my grandchildren.


Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 06:51:15 AM
I have 2 of them and they are doozies.  So controlling, so I guess that's what the sons needed.  I feel sorry for me.  It's not as though people don't like me, they do.  The primary ones are threatened by me...little ol me!!

I could understand if I was not liked by people but as far as I know, I am liked.  Easy, easy (too easy) to get along with.  Maybe I'm not assertive and strong enough.

Isitme?  how did your counseling session go?  I really appreciate your input. 
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: cremebrulee on December 30, 2009, 07:38:29 AM
There is another factor that I don't believe anyone touched on...
If these DIL's were raised in a broken home, they as we all agree are insecure...they have no confidence in themselves...and feel as if no one likes them...therefore, rejection to them is the ultimate insult...they hate it, therefore, they feel like we won't like them...they know we love our sons...in a way, they've never been exposed to...they fear us...so they reject us first, before we can reject them...they literally sabotage the relationship...

remember, people don't do things for one reason only, but for many...

does that make sense?
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 07:41:41 AM
It does, Creme...except one of my DILs was worshipped, adored, crowned Queen by her family.  I don't get how she could be like that.

The other one, who I came in here talking about had a harder life so I can see why I was reacting to her own issues and thinking they were rejection in some cases of me. 
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: isitme? on December 30, 2009, 09:14:59 AM
Hi Ladies,
I think you all have some interesting thoughts.  From many of your posts, it does sound like many of you have difficult DILs and I can't imagine the pain that causes you.  Their behavior (from what I"ve heard) sounds unacceptable.

The title of this thread is "How can you love your MIL?"  Are you trying to direct this to your difficult DILs?  Or are you trying to figure out how you can love your DIL?  It sounds like most of you have tried to do your best but she just won't let you in - and I agree, people with difficult family histories sometimes find it difficult to form good relationships for various reasons such as insecurity etc...

But how can I love my FMIL?  Many of you have already listened to my difficulties a lot and tried to help me understand them.  The latest development is that in counseling yesterday, I discovered that my BF went home this weekend and confronted his parents about his mom's behavior - and his father also told his mother that her behavior was unacceptable.  So now apparently they have decided to "accept" me - or at least acknowledge the fact that I am with their son and he wants to marry me.  The counselor treated this like it was a HUGE breakthrough on my BF's part for standing up to his parents, and a HUGE deal for his parents to come to terms with this.  Now the problem is with me....I want to believe all of this but part of me feels like I have heard it before.  I"m willing to communicate with them, but I'm still a little bit on my guard because of the way I have been treated in the past.  The counselor agreed that I needed to keep my guard up at first because we're not yet sure if this will lead to real change.

So I'm hoping this is a good thing and am willing to try again but I have to admit I'm a little bit skeptical.  I'm not jealous of the time my BF spends with his family and I never want to control him.  I still think there will always be a problem because that's what his mother wants to do and she will always see me as a threat.  Right now I dont' really expect there to be a huge dramatic change in my FMILs attitude or behavior - I think she was just scared because her husband and son stood up to her for a change so she gave in....  but it feels very superficial.  I have promised to try to spend more time with his family though to see if this is really a change or just some token gesture....but if the sniping and verbal abuse start up again, then I just don't know what I"m going to do.

Right now I feel like I will just be going through the motions but I won't have any REAL love in my heart for this woman because of the way she has treated me.  I can try to be more optimistic about the fact that she will change for the better, but the observations I have made about how she treats EVERYONE around her makes me  cautiously optimistic.... 

So I"m going to do my best and hope for the best but I would like some advice on this question of how I can love my MIL or learn to love her.  Or if it's okay to just pretend for a while to keep the peace.  I feel like you ladies are awesome at loving your DILs despite their bad behavior towards you - sometimes more for the sake of your son and grandchildren but nevertheless, you try to love the best you can.  Is it ok if the love I "feel" isn't really genuine?  Right now I don't even have real respect for my FMIL after all the things she has said and done - I respect that she is my BF's mother...but it's just token respect and nothing feels very sincere right now.  On either side.  Is that okay?  She literally behaves the way some of you describe your DILs...I don't know what her family background is at all though...  but I know they have no real relationship with their extended family.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 09:27:46 AM
I think it's great that you go in with skepticism at first.  Go with your guard up...if you don't, you might be in for more hurt.  Make her win your respect. She is the one who will be losing if she doesn't straighten up.

As far as really loving our/my DILs?  I do and have wanted to love them so much!  I want to adore them and love them but I know that I will never really mean that much to them.  DDIL was very nice to me this time but I was very loving and open hearted to her.  I am not going to be on guard anymore with her.  I can see that she is who she is and what she says is not meant to hurl insults at me but they are said because of her issues at the moment.

I do think that you feel something that doesn't seem right to you and you are right on to be guarded for right now.  She wants to love you, unless she's a total nut.  If she's a total nut then her insults are little demonic people in her own head.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: isitme? on December 30, 2009, 10:15:48 AM
Thanks..  I think it's reassuring for me to hear that it's ok to still have my guard up.  Our counselor told me that if I felt I was attacked over my pessimism to not worry about it and we could talk about it next week.  I didn't really feel attacked but my negative reaction does make me realize I need to do some additional thinking on this issue...
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: isitme? on December 30, 2009, 10:27:14 AM
I envy your DILs who have MILs who WANT to love them.  I don't think my FMIL knows how to love.  I think she only knows how to control.  Like I said, I am willing to hope for the best but I don't want to be a sucker.  Too  many people have already advised me that this is the type of person that won't change.  But I feel like my BF and the counselor are very quick to jump on the "they've changed!" bandwagon....  but maybe they are just trying to be optimistic and that's what I need to do.....but with my guard up...
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 10:46:18 AM
Most everyone deserves a new start....I think if you go in and keep your guard up and make her win your love, it will work.  People's basic insides don't change but sometimes their reaction to you/me does change.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: isitme? on December 30, 2009, 11:09:06 AM
well I guess all I can do is try..

I don't know if I will ever be able to "win" her love or respect and if she sees that my guard is up, she will take that as additional evidence that I am not trying.  I think she expected me to automatically love and respect her - I did respect her initially but that died once I started seeing all her bad behavior.  Maybe she will change towards me - right now I feel like her grudging tolerance that I am in her son's life is the best I can hope for.  And it makes me feel sad that my BF thinks something like grudging tolerance is anything like real love.  Because it isn't.  Still, I"m willing to give it a shot I guess..

I hate that she makes BF feel torn.  I hate the idea that anyone should feel torn between their partner and their family - I have never seen that with in-laws in my own family.  But in counseling when I said that if I really caused so many problems for him and his mother, then I should end the relationship, the counselor told me I was "threatening abandonment".  But I'm not trying to do that - but if his mother is really that type of person that has such a hard time letting her son grow up and get married....and he has such a hard time trying to have an adult (instead of childish) relationship with her...how much can they really change?  I don't know, I really don't.  But I'm going to take your advice chickie and think everyone deserves a new start...but the guard will be up for sure.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: just2baccepted on December 30, 2009, 11:21:57 AM
Quote from: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:10:10 AM
I've been reading...

Perhaps these dil's all come from broken homes and are insecure....there are not many bad people in this world...I would hope not...just people unwillingly to accept differences and feel loved.

I think some girls don't want to be loved...they don't know how to accept love. That is why there are soo many monster in laws stories.

If you try to get along with your MIL...It will make and keep your marriage strong and your husband will love you more for your efforts.

I think in a normal situation then this is most definitely true.  However the more contact we had with MIL/FIL or the more info he shared with them about what we do in our daily life the more opportunities they got to find things about me that they didn't like and then complain to my DH about "people" that do XYZ.  Or if my DH tells them we're going to go out to eat or play tennis or whatever, MIL will say things like "oh but its so expensive to eat out, we hardly eat out anymore" or "gosh its so hot outside to be playing tennis, don't you think?"  Or we're planning a trip to the lake a few mos ago and MIL was telling DH "weather channel said that the weather may be too cool that day to swim."  Or when we were about to leave for a trip to Hawaii she was worried about the plane crashing or DH losing his footing in the water and drowning!

So we've had to go back to the original plan of limited info and limited contact.  So I'm just saying that in normal functional relationships this can and should be practiced.  B/c I totally agree that the more a DIL can loving towards her MIL says something special about her simply b/c of the female rivalry/competition that we females seem to suffer from.  And this will make the son/dh happy.  But what does a DIL do when her IL's are dysfunctional and act more crazy when there's conact and access to our lives and how we live our lives.  My IL's don't approve of eating out, vacations or doing anything risky like flying.  MIL doesn't approve of me having several pair of shoes.   But what's odd is that she spend $800 on an MRI for her 12 year old dog who was dying of congestive heart failure.  But that's okay for her to do but its not okay for us to eat out and go on two vacations a year sometimes only one.  I don't get that.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 11:56:54 AM
She's just an absolute worry wart, Just2be.....makes drama where there is none.  That's all it is. What else does she have to do but worry about you and DH?  That consumes her life.  If she didn't worry all the time and make things out of nothing, she'd go crazy.

I think I've mentioned my Aunt with the 4 sons.  She is constantly saying things like: "you're going out to eat again??  You're just P****G your money away!

Or this one about her DIL who is a real estate agent..."well, there S is, just sitting there answering the phone for free!!!" (Aunt has no clue what a real Estate agent does)

This one:  "S goes and gets her toes done, her fanger tips done" (yes, I said fanger, she's Southern)

"S' never cooks, B does ALL THE COOKING; SHE NEVER COOKS!!"

"Do not bother B (her son) with it.  He's so busy.   He does everything, including the washing!!!"

My Aunt is the cutest thing!  That's why she gets away with all this stuff.  Her son and DIL have been married for about 30 years so she's used to it.  She just laughs it off.  One time, Aunt said that S should lose some weight and that hurt her terribly and they didn't speak for a few weeks. 

Aunt called her up one day and said, "you can come over now, S...I'm not mad at you anymore".  Then, she hung up the phone.

Making a long story short.  S loves her so much and they have all this drama that is fun from the outside and not so fun from the inside, I'm sure.  Aunt loves S just as much.  This is what they do, arguing and dramatics. 

I'm sure that's not what is going on with you but I feel that his Mother is majoring on minors to keep her head in tact. 



Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 12:26:16 PM
Forgive me for giving that example:  I know it's not the same. I shouldn't have given it.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: isitme? on December 30, 2009, 12:29:16 PM
Just2be, I feel like i"m in a similar situation to you - in "normal" circumstances, I think all the things that people are suggesting are good.  But it doesn't sound like your MIL is able to be be "normal" (I know that's a loaded term) and that makes it hard to have a healthy relationship with anyone...

I really feel like my FMIL is the same way - unhealthy.  She has no job, very few friends (who are just like her), no pets, no hobbies or interests, no close relationship to her husband....    How can you help a woman like that?  All they seem to be capable of is sitting around the house and hating.  That's a terrible way to live but it's also really hard to have someone like that in your life - especially when they take out their hatred on YOU.  Good luck - I've read a lot of your posts and feel like I could be writing the same things sometimes!
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: just2baccepted on December 30, 2009, 02:45:38 PM
Chickie: There's nothing to forgive for giving that example.  It actually got me to thinking about how sensitive I am.  Yes I still believe that my IL's are nasty people at times but I think that if I was more secure with myself it wouldn't bother me so much what they think about me.  I've always had trouble with worrying about what anyone thinks about me.  That DIL must feel comfortable enough in her own skin to tolerate this type of treatment.  I couldn't handle that.  I'd have to keep this woman out of my life so that she didn't damage my self esteem any further.

Isitme your MIL sounds at least somewhat like mine.  My MIL is retired, has no friends, no hobbies, no close relationship to her DH as well.  And she comes off as very angry.  My SIL said that she's tried antidepressants twice but stopped them.   Thank God she has pets but she will let them linger and suffer for a long time before putting them to sleep b/c she can't let go.  And she also dumps tons of money in them to keep them alive.   She now just has one little chihuahua left, and he's perfect for her b/c he likes her and her only.  A matter of fact when I first went to their house 12 years ago that little stinker bit me on the back of the heel.  I say now that he was probably just reading my MIL's mind and doing what she wanted to do when they all first met me!  He was trying to run that girl off just for his momma! LOL!

I know I've told this before but when me and DH moved to my hometown six years ago my MIL was going to leave her DH and move into some duplexes down the street from us.  I guess she panicked at the thought of us moving closer to my family??  Thank God she changer her mind before she did anything. I still haven't figured that one out yet.  And then MIL will tell DH that SIL's lights didn't come on all weekend and she has no idea where she is.  SIL is 37 years old.  Or she'll tell me that SIL spend the night with one of their male neighbors and SIL doesn't come home till the noon the next day b/c MIL will see SIL walking from this guys house back home.  I thought wow this poor woman keeps major tabs on SIL's comings and goings doesn't she?  SIL told DH that she wants to move away from them but she can't afford it right now.  But SIL told DH that her parents are both very controlling.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 30, 2009, 03:15:59 PM
Thank you so much, Just2be...I worried about posting it.  My Aunt's DIL is not hugely secure but once in awhile she tells Aunt, "you know what's wrong with you?  Your mouth!!!"

Aunt just sits there with her arms folded.  Just as soon as the hub bub is over, she goes back to doing what she does.

They have been doing this for years...it is very funny on the outside because her son tries to keep the peace all the time (plus washing clothes, cooking dinner, going to the grocery store, P****G away their money going out to eat and waiting for his wife to get back from getting her fangers done)   ;D

I am overly, overly, supersensitive too.  It is a serious problem with me.  Serious.  Our little dog barked at DDIL when she met her too.  It hurt DILs feelings and she told us that we didn't correct the dog properly.  No, we didn't (she died about 5 years ago).  She was our Princess.  I think my feelings would have been hurt too.

Your MIL is a pill with nothing to do but concentrate on her empty life. Very sad.... making her focus on you and SIL and those closest to her.  What a life, huh? 

I doubt that she's mean....she might be but she's angry at her life and sad that she has no one.  She has no one because of the way she acts....vicious cycle.  It's not you that she doesn't like......she doesn't like herself.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 31, 2009, 05:58:12 AM
you do not have to love anyone, you can choose to accept someone as long as they treat you with the respect you consider reasonable for you. You can choose to be pleasant to someone as long as they are pleasant to you. Love is unconditional on both sides, it is not jealous,malicous,abusive, just pure giving of love to another person. Dont accept anything less. You are in control of your own destiny. It is up to you what you will accept in your life.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 31, 2009, 06:05:59 AM
Quote from: RedRose on December 30, 2009, 05:50:12 AM
Yes, I know Chickybaby. Control and jealousy.
We just have to try to  get along with each other and sometimes agre to disagree.
Agree  (shaking head YES!!!)

  In my instance. 
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 31, 2009, 06:11:14 AM
I've been reading about Narcissism...My CDIL fits it to a tee.  How do you separate her need for control and using me with the ability to be in their lives?  It makes me sick that I've been "had" but I still want to be in the GChildren's lives.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: isitme? on December 31, 2009, 06:26:09 AM
ooh chickie, all the descriptions about narcissism fit my FMIL to a tee also!  Have you gotten your emotional vampires book yet?  There are some good tips in there.  All the online advice I"ve seen about how to deal with narcissitic people just says to stay as far away as possible.  Not always an option....but I think by keeping some emotional distance (not letting yourself get hurt) and some non-defensive verbal responses there IS a way to deal with people like that.  The book has a lot of tips on that - I hope you can read it soon!
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 31, 2009, 06:28:51 AM
The book hasn't arrived yet but hoping to learn how to deal with this by reading it....such a hard one since it involves my GChildren.   I love them so much. :'(
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: isitme? on December 31, 2009, 06:31:19 AM
here are some links in the meantime..

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/10/27/5-emotional-vampires-and-how-to-combat-them/

http://www.albernstein.com/index.htm
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 31, 2009, 06:37:35 AM
narcisstic people do not know how to love or receive love. They cause pain to who ever they choose. They control the way they want people to feel. Never expect to feel love from this type of person,they will,use,abuse anytime they want. People with healthy self esteems will not tolerate their behaviour and stay away, people with low self esteem always try to win the love of these people but never do.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 31, 2009, 07:02:42 AM
This is her:

Talking about himself all of the time, and when you bring up something from your own experience, he will take the subject right back to him.


Being very loving and gracious to you much of the time, then turning on a dime and attacking, ignoring or rejecting you without a second thought.The world's sweetest person in acting


Acting like your best friend in the world, until you really need something--then he might be nowhere to be found.TOTALLY HER. 


Acting in general like the world owes her something, and staying irritated at other people most of the time.


Being totally unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions and any pain he might be causing, being all too ready to blame others (whom he considers to be inferior to him).ALWAYS BLAMES OTHERS!!  In fact, she says: "I blame "so and so".
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 31, 2009, 01:36:05 PM
Hi Chickie, my D and SIL are the same so this year I will not allow my heart to be squashed by them.  The NARC. person can not give love or feel love I have come to terms with this and see them as having a severe problem one that I can not fix
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 31, 2009, 01:44:06 PM
What I don't understand, Green is that on the hate sites, EVERYBODY is a Narcissist.  All their MILs are N's.  Is everyone a narcissist?  Lord!  I've seen both my DILs show love and seems like they feel love. 

Maybe CDIL is just self centered?  I know she's totally controlling.  I don't know.  I know son who is married to CDIL is self centered.  They both are. 
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 31, 2009, 01:52:00 PM
Hi Chickie, you will know a NARC. it will take awhile but the personality will show clear signs and patterns in the way they treat people.  LOL not everyone is a NARC  thank God. but when you learn about them you will be surprised how many who know. There is a huge difference between controlling and self centred to a NARC  but there are borderline ones, like borderline personalities problems
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 31, 2009, 01:54:21 PM
Okay...glad I'm not one.  One of the counselors I saw said that I was the opposite of a Narcissist.  I thought, "that's good" but I guess N's get their way, though.  I don't.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on December 31, 2009, 02:22:38 PM
only if you allow them to
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 01, 2010, 03:25:22 AM
someone with a NPD can not change because they do not believe that they have a problem that is why they blame everyone else.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: cremebrulee on January 01, 2010, 09:10:44 AM
Quote from: Anna on January 01, 2010, 02:50:26 AM
I read up on narcissistic behavior & I'm sure my dil is a narcissist too.  Someone on here got angry with the usage of the word normal.  She wanted to know what right someone had to say that she wasn't normal.  I think when I compare my dil to ALL the other people I know, her BEHAVIOR is not normal.  I do not know ANYONE else like her, except maybe her mother.  Her mother has other issues, alcoholism is one, dil doesn't have that, but there are so many other similarities.  They both have a need to control every situation, they are both pretty selfish, they both always try to exclude people (family) from their lives, dils mother has no-one except her daughter, she has alienated the rest of her family, & my dil is on her way to doing the same thing.  It is a sad, vicious, cycle & I hope dil stops this cycle before she too has no one.  She tries in every way she can to push people away, but hold on tight to hubby & kids.  Someday her kids will need more than just Mom & Dad, it happens to all kids, how will dil handle it when it happens to her?  When the kids are gone she will have no-one except hubby if she's lucky.  What happens then.  I know a lot of the dils on here don't anticipate being hurt when they are not included in their childrens or grandchildrens lives.  Neither did I, never even thought about it, never dreamed I would be excluded.  Believe me when I say you will be hurt.  Hurt beyond your wildest dreams or thoughts.  Being excluded by you own children is one of the biggest hurts one can ever suffer.  Not being welcomed by the children you raised with love, blood, sweat, & tears, hurts.  No matter what you think now.  It hurts.

Normal are people coming together despite differences, misunderstandings, harsh words and generation gaps....we try to understsand.  Normal is having the insight to realize, that your MIL's son, married you b/c he fell in love with you...he adores you, you are the love of his life...Normal people realize, they're husbands love they're families just as much as the DIL loves hers....Normal is not trying to seperate one's family, but more so, encouraging some sort of common ground, establishing a bond, and learning from one another.  Normal is having a productive relationship, regardless of the fact that there were disagreements...normal is discussing the issues that hurt one another and going forward...normal is not earrasing emails and phone messages to your husband...normal is allowing and encouraging your husband to be successful with his family and to encourage quality time with them...with or without you...normal is patience, and overlooking a lot of things...normal is wanting your children to know they're grandparents...normal is respect, confidence, and being kind and not taking everything that is said as a personal attack against your personality...normal is not looking for things to blame your inlaws with or about...normal is love...love blossoms and grows; love is realizing your husband lovesx you as much and more then his mother and in a different way...normal is allowing your husband to have a conversation with his mother...normal is not sending back a birthday card with a money gift in it, just to hurt and say, your not welcome in my life, I really hate you...normal is love...growth, and allowance...normal is not pretending to tollerate your MIL in front of your husband, then when he's not within ear shot, you are curt, nasty and condiscending...normal is having a productive conversation with people...normal does not breed hate...normal is not anger...

Chickie, this post is what your words brought to mind....normal is not jealousy, and normal is not using your husband for a free ride through life, without helping him...normal does not run up charges...normal works to help your husband financially and get a job...if things are bad financially...normal doesn't say unkind words to hurt or drive away...

So, Chickie...I suppose the best idea to come to mind is, treat others as you would want to be treated...don't be so darned immature that you fear sharing your husband with his mother...and remember, your MIL can't be all that bad...you say you love your husband, well, if it were not for your MIL's. your husband would not be who he is or even married to you.  DIL's need to get over being immature and find common group with theiy're inlaws...unless they are abusive or alcholics or into drugs...that is not normal.

Big hugs Chickie...your a good MIL.
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 01, 2010, 12:09:20 PM
thank you, Creme....normal feels normal.  You know what normal is when you see it!!   When something doesn't feel normal, it isn't!! 

You're a good MIL too but your DIL isn't.  She doesn't like you knowing what she's done. It's pitiful.  Really pitiful!
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 01, 2010, 12:50:50 PM
Creme and Chickie  how right you are about normal. treat others the way you want to be treated yourself.    people with NPD can not do this
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 01, 2010, 01:29:19 PM
Oh!!  :'( Anna!
Title: Re: How Can You Love Your MIL ?
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 01, 2010, 03:14:35 PM
I really have to be strong and not come into my D blackmailing. If I do not see my grandchildren, I will still live my life in a productive manner.