WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: blau10 on April 06, 2010, 01:58:34 PM

Title: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: blau10 on April 06, 2010, 01:58:34 PM
Have you ever apologized just to keep peace? 

My DIL did not show up at our Easter brunch because I won't apologize to her because (her words) 'she felt inadequate as a mother' when I was playing with my 15 month old GD at my step GS's basketball game 2 months ago.  She also wouldn't let (the same) 10 year old son come to the brunch and told my DS that she didn't want my GD to ever see me again.  For the first time my son defied her and brought my GD to the brunch with me and my father (the only relatives my DS has locally) and the first time I have seen my DS and GD since that basketball game.

I don't understand what she has against me, as before her pregnancy with my GD she was friendly with me and allowed me to do anything with her son. Now I'm not suppose to be his GM (I have been his GM since he was 15 months old) and we have bonded over the years. I am also not allowed to attend his little league games either because she doesn't want me seeing my GD.  I'm afraid she will pull a scene if I show up.

I am at a loss and I refuse to apologize for such an idiotic reason...esp since this is the third time she thinks I owe her an apology for something so lame.  For my DS's sake I made up to her twice before.  Now I feel she owes me the apology for (meanly) coming between me and my DS and GD.
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 06, 2010, 02:57:00 PM
Hello Blau,
Welcome to our world....most of us have apologized, agonized, had anxiety out the wazoo and basically have gone nuts
just trying to figure out how to "be" in the middle of H.E.Double Toothpicks.  We were fine and dandy before DIL but
an absolute pariah after DIL.

See, there is: BDIL and ADIL.  Just like BC and AD.   BDIL, most things are wonderful.  ADIL, most things are beyond
strange.  You never know what she will take as an offense. You just can no longer "BE".  You have to go into the woodwork
and pretend you're a piece of wallpaper. 

I'm reading Boundaries....paying a counselor (PAYING A COUNSELOR) to try to understand how to walk through the
eggshells without breaking any of them.  Lord forbid I break any, I'd get fined or kicked out.   

It's a book by this Dr. Whitfield, I think....you learn how to not allow someone to enter your space.  The DILs have all
read the book.  They know boundaries. They probably worked with the Dr. to write it.  I don't know.

If you apologize for making her feel inadequate, something else will pop up that you have supposedly done.  What she
is doing is called: control.   She is trying to control you by keeping you off balance, never knowing what to do...so you
keep apologizing. 

That's it in a nutshell.  She'll think of more, though.

Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cocobars on April 06, 2010, 04:51:33 PM
Hi Blau!

I agree with Chickie.  Get the book.  It sounds wonderful and sometimes necessary.  I believe sometimes boundaries are necessary too, and can show us a new strength of character (or self-esteem).

No, I have not apologised for something I haven't done.  Not with a straight face. I learned my boundaries too, and one of them is NOT to disrespect myself by saying something that isn't true.  I don't tolerate people who lie and I don't lie.  By apologising for something I didn't do, I would feel I was lying and the end result is low self esteem in my opinion.  That's how I feel...

I do.  Sending you hugs...
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: momX3 on April 06, 2010, 08:09:33 PM
Blau,

I believe we all have apologized at one time or another, just to "keep peace" (sometimes without realizing we were literally making the apology).

I am not one that likes to apologize when I do not feel it is anything that I did wrong.....but to keep my son, I have made many concessions to"keep peace."   I made up my mind that I did not want to lose my son, so many times, I have looked the other way and bit my tongue, just so I did not do anything to upset DIL.
Guess you could call it "making a choice to keep my son."

Chickiebaby describes it best with her description of BDIL and ADIL.  That is so, so true.

One thing you know in your heart, your son did not agree with DIL on this issue. He came to brunch with GD and to spend some time with you and his Grandfather.  That tells you a lot about how he is feeling. If he continues to share GD with you, maybe DIL will wake up and admit she is wrong.  She is the one missing out...... however, since she is the DIL, she is the one who is holding the deck of cards, she will control the game, and call the shots.

Hopefully, things will improve here soon.  Sending positive thoughts your way.




 

Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: momX3 on April 06, 2010, 08:55:13 PM
Chickiebaby,

LOL...........Your post is right on.    :)

Your analogy of BDIL and ADIL is so true. We are "kept off-balance"........ so we never know what we did or said to create the rifts that occur.

You should consider publishing your own book on " DIL Survival Tips."  Your wit and perception would make it a best seller.  I am serious.  I am placing my order for the first copy.  ;)

 
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 07, 2010, 03:32:48 AM
That's a good idea, Mom3 but I'm really afraid of the DIL police.  Can you imagine the reviews?   
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cremebrulee on April 07, 2010, 05:51:43 AM
Quote from: blau10 on April 06, 2010, 01:58:34 PM
Have you ever apologized just to keep peace? 

My DIL did not show up at our Easter brunch because I won't apologize to her because (her words) 'she felt inadequate as a mother' when I was playing with my 15 month old GD at my step GS's basketball game 2 months ago.  She also wouldn't let (the same) 10 year old son come to the brunch and told my DS that she didn't want my GD to ever see me again.  For the first time my son defied her and brought my GD to the brunch with me and my father (the only relatives my DS has locally) and the first time I have seen my DS and GD since that basketball game.

I don't understand what she has against me, as before her pregnancy with my GD she was friendly with me and allowed me to do anything with her son. Now I'm not suppose to be his GM (I have been his GM since he was 15 months old) and we have bonded over the years. I am also not allowed to attend his little league games either because she doesn't want me seeing my GD.  I'm afraid she will pull a scene if I show up.

I am at a loss and I refuse to apologize for such an idiotic reason...esp since this is the third time she thinks I owe her an apology for something so lame.  For my DS's sake I made up to her twice before.  Now I feel she owes me the apology for (meanly) coming between me and my DS and GD.

Hello and welcome,
Yes, indeed, I have apologized for things that I didn't do...and I've also said, that I'm very sorry that this whole thing has happened...and that was the truth...however, all through life, there were many times I apologized even when I didn't think I did anything wrong...and to my DIL and Son...why, b/c being friends with them, was more important then being right...and, it wasn't worth the 12 years I hardly saw them...so much lost time?  For what?  I decided that most of this stuff was terribly heartbreaking and silly...just plain silly...

I've also realized, even though I thought I didn't do anything to hurt my DIL, that I did...and she was hurt, and angry, then retaliated...and/or put up a wall...the same as I did, and by not discussing this with her from the very beginning, escalated things beyond hurt...beyond the norm....our perceptions of each other were so totally off and wrong, however, it was the way we took things...perceived each others actions, everything that happened from that point on, we both thought was meant as a personal attack against each other...

I can't say the same for your situation, or what you should do...my post is based on what worked for me, and how I view things...

To me, keeping the peace, puts peace in my heart, and also erased the dark cloud that followed me around for all those years...it just isn't worth it to me....plus, I cannot imagine the weight that has been lifted from DIL and son, and now I will get to see not only them, but my GD as well...carrying a grudge to me, was wrong....and not talking to her a long long time ago was wrong...however, if I'd have talked to her then, I'm afraid I would have been accussing and confrontational...it's all in the way you address them....in a letter or in person....Luise taught me that...I've read her and watched her and really was taken back by her patience and understanding, her kindness...and learned that perhaps if I'd change my attitude, there would be hope....and there was....

Thank you Luise!  With all my heart....

Creme

Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 07, 2010, 06:21:34 AM
That's wonderful, Creme.  I'm so happy for you.   :)

I wanted to say that my High School friend's sister did the same thing...she apologized again and again.  Her DIL was
offended that she looked at her "funny" when she was introducing her to a friend.
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cocobars on April 07, 2010, 09:08:57 AM
I guess I'm a little strange then because I just don't.  It's not a stubborn thing or a need to be right, but just an integrity that I hold myself to and it seems everyone in my family (and friends here) knows and respects that part of who I am.  It seems when someone wants honesty, they come to me and I like knowing that people know this about me.  I don't offer my opinions and am very good at keeping my mouth shut, but if someone wants my opinion they know I will be honest, and that I don't expect them to take my own opinion and go with it.  It comes from my own perspective or view, which realistically doesn't always include both sides of their situations.  Hearing only one side of a story may give me one perception, but knowing both sides of a situation may change that perception. 

I have apologised for other's thinking I meant something I didn't, and clarified.  I don't consider that lying, because my words may have been taken in a way they weren't meant or I may have misstated myself.  But I don't believe I have ever apologized for something I don't believe I did or meant to say if it was how I felt.  I guess if you inlcude apologizing for miscommunication then I could say yes I have too.  It seems to all be how you look at it.  I try to keep my views positive and my mind open as much as possible to that I can understand someone else better.  To me, communication is a never ending effort.  I believe I will be learning and trying until I leave here, and beyond.  And I've found that usually the key for me is understanding someone, which involves allot of questions.

I haven't had alot of the problems with my DIL that most of the women here have.  I can only think that possibly I am very lucky to have her, or that she is just as willing as I am to work together and respect eachother.  Either way, we are still working together even with their separation.  I'm not sure how I would react if she wouldn't let me see my GC.  I suppose I wold leave her alone - sooner or later she will need something bad enough to want that relationship to work.  I guess that's how I would feel, but without knowing, it's just a guess..

Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: michelledona on April 07, 2010, 09:31:25 AM
The best thing you can do is say, "I'm so sorry you felt that way" and know that you are not saying sorry because you did something wrong but that you are saying sorry bc DIL felt a certain way. Separate yourself from it, and just say it as if you are saying sorry that it is raining outside. Whatever you have to do to keep the peace because if you don't apologize in some way, it will affect your relationship with your GD- just swallow your pride for her...   
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: willingtohelp on April 07, 2010, 11:18:58 AM
Michelle, any DIL who frequents the "mil hate sites" would recognize that as a non-apology, that is, one that puts the blame on the offended party (you heard it wrong, you got offended, you took it that way) instead of on the offender.  I'm sorry you took it that way puts the blame on the other person.  I'm sorry I misspoke puts the blame on yourself.  I think all the semantics can make a person's head spin, but it's talked about over and over.  To me the only thing that matters when someone apologizes is sincerity.  If it isn't sincere, then don't do it.
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 07, 2010, 12:35:32 PM
Quote from: clover on April 07, 2010, 11:18:58 AM
Michelle, any DIL who frequents the "mil hate sites" would recognize that as a non-apology, that is, one that puts the blame on the offended party (you heard it wrong, you got offended, you took it that way) instead of on the offender.  I'm sorry you took it that way puts the blame on the other person.  I'm sorry I misspoke puts the blame on yourself.  I think all the semantics can make a person's head spin, but it's talked about over and over.  To me the only thing that matters when someone apologizes is sincerity.  If it isn't sincere, then don't do it.

I have a once best friend who is a Psychologist...I knew her before she became one.  She uses the term: "I'm sorry you feel
that way".  I'm not one of her patients so it seems like an insult to me coming from her. She's the only person who uses
that term so I think she learned it at school.  It's tedious being with her anymore. 
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cocobars on April 07, 2010, 12:48:09 PM
HAHA!   Is that the one who can't watch comedies, Chickie?  This is sad in a way...
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 07, 2010, 12:52:42 PM
Quote from: coco on April 07, 2010, 12:48:09 PM
HAHA!   Is that the one who can't watch comedies, Chickie?  This is sad in a way...
[
quote]

That's the very one, Coco.  A comedy to her is not funny. She simply can't relate at all.  It was during the movie "Vacation" that  she tipped her hand to me.  She just didn't understand how Chevy Chase could have driven while asleep and ended up at the motel. 

Just went right over her head.  Poor thing.....all she knows, she learned from a book.  My husband can't understand how we
could ever have been friends.  I tried to help her.  Lord!!
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cocobars on April 07, 2010, 01:00:47 PM
That's hilarious!  I have to be really "pissed" at someone before I say "I'm sorry you feel that way..."

The last time I said it, my son was silently cracking up behind their back.  Of course, I had to face them and see all that action.  It was so hard to keep a straight face, but I did.  He knew that I would say that when I was pissed, to get away from someone.  I always felt it was sort of a back-door insult too!  I guess it's kind of like goodbye for me.   It just never sits right with me, and I agree with Clover.  You have to say, at some point, why apologise?  It's not really an apology...

Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: blau10 on April 07, 2010, 02:13:05 PM
Thank you for all your replies.  I agree with so many of the comments.  And Chickiebaby, I too will sign up on your waiting list for your book (write it anomalously to confuse the DIL police). You sound like you have a lot of 'good sense' experience with DILs.  I did buy the Boundaries book and have already recognized how this book could help me improve myself.    And I agree with Clover an apology must be sincere to be believable and I just can't be sincere about this one since I would sincerely play the same way with my GD if I had the chance to do it over again.
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 07, 2010, 02:29:38 PM
Quote from: blau10 on April 07, 2010, 02:13:05 PM
Thank you for all your replies.  I agree with so many of the comments.  And Chickiebaby, I too will sign up on your waiting list for your book (write it anomalously to confuse the DIL police). You sound like you have a lot of 'good sense' experience with DILs.  I did buy the Boundaries book and have already recognized how this book could help me improve myself.    And I agree with Clover an apology must be sincere to be believable and I just can't be sincere about this one since I would sincerely play the same way with my GD if I had the chance to do it over again.

Dear Blau,
It's hard..it's the hardest thing I've ever been through.  Guest was wondering what to say to her DIL...?  That's the thing;
no matter what we say, it could be taken as an attack. 

The Counselor (I'M PAYING~~!!!...this still infuriates me!!)  to help me understand boundaries said that once I had the
boundaries, I'd be okay.  Well, goody.  I was okay BDIL.  Perfectly okay.  I had the world by the tail, so to speak.

I had a business I'd created from scratch, the love of many friends and what family I still had, I adored.  I never had trouble
speaking in public, being with people, outgoing, fun loving.  ADIL, all that changed.....I've always been expressive and
fun loving so the first time I caught the DIL making fun of me to our son, I was crushed.  "You're so dramatic" our son
said to me.  (yes, I know I am but when did this become a problem? .........answer?   ADIL!    DING DING DING)

I'm so confused now that I just give up almost.  I am going to group therapy tonight....(this reminds me of Bob Newhart,
an old TV show)

I'll let you all know how it goes.  The counselor said the ladies in there have no boundaries either and are learning.  Thrilling...like a trip to Italy. 
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: blau10 on April 07, 2010, 03:23:36 PM
Dear Chickie,
I have been reading other posts and I have gotten a good idea of the hurt you have been through.  I feel for you and fear that I may be headed for the same fate. I do hope some day you can open communications with your DS. That's the most important. I know I would be torn if I didn't have my DS.  Right now, my DS still calls me regularly...I just don't get to see him or my GD.  He also tells me that my DIL is too much like me and he doesn't know how to get us to talk.  I've tried (without apologizing)  by inviting them over for dinner or her to a craft fair, but she won't budge and she refuses every invitation.
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 07, 2010, 03:35:19 PM
Dear Blau,
I do see him....it's not that.  It's that he will not talk privately to me anymore. He acts like he's terrified I'll ask him something
personal.  I used to do that...I would never do it again.  There was nothing about my questions except we were so close
at one time that our hearts were just in tune.  Now, he has to get everything cleared with the DIL first.  I have to go through
her.  Not the same!!

I know that someday you'll get to be close to your DIL, Blau.  If he calls you and talks about the situation, she will come
around.  He has a lot of courage to call.  Be very careful when talking to him.  I don't want him to tell his wife anything
you are saying to your son.  The problem is that whatever he says to her, she'll run it around in her head and figure
you've said something bad about her.

I'm glad you can talk to him!!  Good for you. :)
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cocobars on April 07, 2010, 03:40:41 PM
OMG!  Good luck Chickie!  Let us know how the group therapy is... 

Bob Newhart??
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: kathleen on April 08, 2010, 07:23:42 AM
I greatly sympathize with your problem.  However, my mother raised me to repeatedly apologize to a spoiled little only child at school. Most of the incidents I apologized for never happened.  Or, something would be taken completely out of context---accidentally bumping into her during a game of pp pullaway, which she would take as deliberate. I was not a mean or hurtful child and no other children had this kind of problem with me.  The more I apologized to her, the more powerful she (and her mother) felt and the more they escalated.  In the end the mother was even going to the teacher demanding that grades be changed.   This so handicapped me in life that I am still unwittingly apologizing for many things, and often the response is a surprised "Why are you apologizing?"  Therefore I am never in favor of it.  I still have feelings toward my mother for not standing up for me.  She would always say, "You be the bigger person."  Why is it a "bigger person" who apologizes for nothing of fault?  It's simply telling a lie.

I am in your situation with a son and daughter-in-law who constantly shove us aside.  She has a pathological need to prove that her family is first always.  My husband has completely had enough, withdrew three years ago, and cut them out of the will.  When her actions became aggressively cruel, I finally, very reluctantly agreed.  Because he is an adopted child, and my two biological children do not act this way ever, I conclude there is something in his makeup or his childhood with us that has caused him to act this way.  But I will never apologize to her for something I did not do; I think this would just feed the whole thing, and cause her to feel even more powerful, and to "get away" with more shooting around corners and acts of unkindness. 

I hope your situation resolves more positively than mine did.  I've been checking on grandparents rights, but in my state, unless there is a divorce or custody issue, we have very little recourse.  Good luck.

---Kathleen
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 08, 2010, 07:43:16 AM
Quote from: kathleen on April 08, 2010, 07:23:42 AM
I greatly sympathize with your problem.  However, my mother raised me to repeatedly apologize to a spoiled little only child at school. Most of the incidents I apologized for never happened.  Or, something would be taken completely out of context---accidentally bumping into her during a game of pp pullaway, which she would take as deliberate. I was not a mean or hurtful child and no other children had this kind of problem with me.  The more I apologized to her, the more powerful she (and her mother) felt and the more they escalated.  In the end the mother was even going to the teacher demanding that grades be changed.   This so handicapped me in life that I am still unwittingly apologizing for many things, and often the response is a surprised "Why are you apologizing?"  Therefore I am never in favor of it.  I still have feelings toward my mother for not standing up for me.  She would always say, "You be the bigger person."  Why is it a "bigger person" who apologizes for nothing of fault?  It's simply telling a lie.

I am in your situation with a son and daughter-in-law who constantly shove us aside.  She has a pathological need to prove that her family is first always.  My husband has completely had enough, withdrew three years ago, and cut them out of the will.  When her actions became aggressively cruel, I finally, very reluctantly agreed.  Because he is an adopted child, and my two biological children do not act this way ever, I conclude there is something in his makeup or his childhood with us that has caused him to act this way.  But I will never apologize to her for something I did not do; I think this would just feed the whole thing, and cause her to feel even more powerful, and to "get away" with more shooting around corners and acts of unkindness. 

I hope your situation resolves more positively than mine did.  I've been checking on grandparents rights, but in my state, unless there is a divorce or custody issue, we have very little recourse.  Good luck.

---Kathleen

I so understand, Kathleen.  I really do.  I'm so tired to heaping loads of worry on myself about what I might have said,
a look I might have had...it's ridiculous and very hurtful to me.  My hat is off to you for not taking it anymore.

There isn't anything to compare with being a good parent and having a DIL whisper in your son's ear about all your short
comings.  Don't think we don't see it or feel it.  We weren't born yesterday.  The goal is to get to a point where you
don't care anymore.

My friend who has boat loads of money went to see her son.  While there, she told him, "you need to come home sometimes
and see us..your Mother, Dad, Sister, neices and nephews.  It is only right that you do that.

His response:  "MOM!!!!  SHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  She will hear you!!!!!"  (the "she" being his wife)

My friend got on a plane and ended up back home.  Went straight to her lawyers office and wrote him out of the will.  While
I don't advocate this at all....cause it is very hurtful to be cut off, still, the Mother could not believe that she had raised this
son and here he is absolutely scared to death of the wrath of his wife~!!

Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: MLW07 on April 08, 2010, 10:34:02 AM
Hi-

I am one of those DIL's that have one of the truly crazy MIL's.  I agree with most of the posters, do not apologize unless it is sincere.  My MIL is the queen of "I am sorry, but...".  The "non-apology" only makes things worse; she is also the queen of never apologizing for anything.   

MLW
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: Pen on April 08, 2010, 11:08:43 AM
I guess knowing about the Bob Newhart Show is what separates us "old folks" from the younger ones here :) If I found myself in group therapy (which I probably desperately need) I'd be trying so hard to keep a straight face now that I have the image of that show in my mind  :D

If DIL came to me with an example of something I did that hurt her, I would sincerely apologize. We could then talk it out and come to an understanding, like Creme did with her DIL. However, my DIL just doesn't like us. I would have to apologize for being here on the planet, and even then it wouldn't make any difference to her. According to DS, there is nothing we've done; it's her problem. However, we're being punished by having limited access to DS. Every time we see them we sense more distance between us; I try to stay positive but I can't help but feel we're heading for complete banishment. When DIL isn't around DS calls us and we have good conversations like we used to pre-DIL. If she's anywhere near, we hear an abrupt, brusque tone in his voice and the conversation is limited to general "how's the weather" topics.

My personality has changed, too. It's hard to be myself when I feel like I'm being watched, judged and criticised for every little thing from a spot on my shoe to a hair out of place to an unacceptable style of laughter. I find myself wondering if everyone feels that way about me, not just DIL? And so on and so on. DH is trying hard to encourage the old me to return, bless his heart. It's been rough. I feel as though we'll lose our son and future grandkids if we don't jump through DIL's hoops, but honestly I don't think it will matter what we do - she's already decided we are of no use to her and is just looking for excuses to cut us off.
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cocobars on April 08, 2010, 11:40:48 AM
Penstamen, sometimes I think there are people who you just can't reach.  I agree with your husband though and think the "old" Pen should come out.  Sometimes when I'm the happiest, things are better for me and it helps me see that it really is someone else's problem and not me personally.  I won't stop living and breathing because someone has a problem, and if they will not talk to me and tell me what I can do to help, then why not laugh and be myself!  I'm not going to change them, just me, and someday they may come up to me and change their own view.  Time changes things, so we never know what the future has in store.  If you stay upset and miserable all the years inbetween, then when (not if) that day comes you will see nothing but the pain you let that person affect on your life.  But if you can be happy, then I believe when (not if) that day comes, you will just be able to forgive easier and invite that person back into your life so they will see the wonderful person you still are, instead of the misery you feel.  That''s just my feelings about this, and I do believe alot of us here are going through some temporary things that time will change.  I'm looking forward to my day with my daughter, and I know you are looking forward to your day with your son too!  It's my hope and prayer that God will send us angels to help heal these relationships that are so important to us. 

But in the meantime, we can still laugh, love and live!  It will be nice when they join us!

Sending you heartfelt hugs and lots of love...
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: cremebrulee on April 09, 2010, 10:40:58 AM
Quote from: michelledona on April 07, 2010, 09:31:25 AM
The best thing you can do is say, "I'm so sorry you felt that way" and know that you are not saying sorry because you did something wrong but that you are saying sorry bc DIL felt a certain way. Separate yourself from it, and just say it as if you are saying sorry that it is raining outside. Whatever you have to do to keep the peace because if you don't apologize in some way, it will affect your relationship with your GD- just swallow your pride for her...   

I agree with you...
Title: Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
Post by: blau10 on April 09, 2010, 03:09:39 PM
Penstaman,
Yours DS and mine must be talking with each other.  He has the same problem.  If his wife is around he is a completely different person to me.  I have not been allowed to call him on his home line for years.  I don't think she allows him to use it.  Thank goodness he has his own cell phone.  That's the only telephone he uses to talk with me unless his wife isn't home, then he will call me on the home phone for a very short conversation to show me he is allowed to use that phone.
And I also can not be myself when my DIL is anywhere near.  When I do I always see an evil look in her eye and will quickly tense up.
I do like everyone's idea of 'cutting' them off, but I only have 1 child, my DS and the DIL knows everything goes to her husband, so she doesn't have to worry about that. On the other hand, my Dad will not give me one of my Mother's rings because he knows that it will end up in the DIL's hands eventually and that's the last person he wants to have it.  I think he may give it to my sister in his will so my DIL doesn't get it.