So my son called me tonight and asked me if I could watch grandson overnight, this would be very soon. I was so shocked, they have never ever asked me to do this before. I did not respond right away I told him I will let him know if I have any other commitments for that night. I am so nervous over this. I love my grandson and I would love to babysit him but I am afraid that DIL will find something wrong with my watching him and tell me that I can not ever watch him again. If I say no they may never ask me again. It is very tough! I did ask him why they were asking me and not DIL's mom and he told me that she will be on overnight trip with them and therefor they need someone else to watch him. He did tell me that DIL's sister in law that she is crazy about, has done something to upset DIL and she told her sis in law she did not want to leave grandson with her after all. I am thinking I should do it? Should I send my daughter to a friend's house so that it does not cause any conflict? I have not seen grandson in over five months now, I am nervous about not getting another chance. What do you all think?
I think I would go with the flow...keep daughter at home and just let it unfold. I'd try not to future-trip. It sounds like you are their last choice...I have to tell you that I would hate that. If you can set that aside...enjoy...and let the chips fall where they may. (They will anyhow.)
Hi Bettylou,I agree with Luise,just go with the flow.It might just work out to where they will ask you again.Enjoy it,and try not to worry that your DIL will find fault.
I'm very happy for you :)
I will call son today and let him know I will be glad to do it thanks for asking me. I know I am the last choice and that hurts a bit but I will just go with the flow for a bit and see what happens. I am going to go out and get some new things for us to do with him while he is here, and cook foods I think he will like. But I will not get too excited there is always the chance they will change their mind especially if they work it out with her sister in law and decided to leave him there, or if her mother stays home with him after all. I am not going to mention it to daughter that way if it does not work out, oh well, no one will have hurt feelings over it. We will have the doggy too ofcourse but I think it will work out well because grandson is so little and has not seen us in a long time that may make him feel safer having his buddy with him. Looking forward to it with caution!
Quote from: luise.volta on April 22, 2010, 03:20:05 AM
I think I would go with the flow...keep daughter at home and just let it unfold. I'd try not to future-trip. It sounds like you are their last choice...I have to tell you that I would hate that. If you can set that aside...enjoy...and let the chips fall where they may. (They will anyhow.)
I agree with Luise...
it's really really tacky of your son to consider treatment of you like this....
and you, fear loosing what you have....they seem to have you right where they want you...? I'm so sorry they are both treating you with such little respect...I wish there were a way to let them know in no uncertain terms...that this is really in very bad taste....maybe some day, you will get tired of it and stand up to them regardless, and I'm not saying that is the thing to do....I'm just thinking to myself how unjust this is....
but yes, I would go with the flow...try hard to take it easy and not worry and just enjoy your GC.
Betty, be cool :) I hope all goes well. Try to relax and enjoy your time with your GS. It's quite possible you'll hear a complaint when they return, but you can deal with it - after all, she complained about the dog needing a bath one time, and she still leaves him with you, right? Perhaps this is the start of a new era! Best wishes.
I think it will go better than you think. Your expectations are probably not unreasonable; yes, DIL will probably find fault in something.
Because she is the glass half empty type of girl, not because you'll do anything that's actually "wrong".
Do this only so you have time with that little boy. That's the only "plus", but it's a pretty big plus!
Decide now, that whatever snarky comments DIL makes when she picks him up about him needing a bath or "poor baby" are all about her and not about you. Don't expect praise or gratitude from the stingy and ungrateful, and you won't be disappointed. Don't be deeply offended or take DIL's lack of manners as being a reflection on you. Picture us all here with you, knowing "Yes, that's just like something DIL would say."
As for your worst case scenario fear of never being able to have him for a sleepover again. The way I see it, if you haven't had him for a sleepover yet, and you haven't seen him in 5 months, then you're not taking that big a risk anyway.
I know you don't want to anticipate what may be cancelled at the last minute, but still wanted to let you know if it happens, I think it will be wonderful.
Calculated risk is a part of life. If we try to circumvent it...we filter out opportunity. (Old saying I just made up.)
BettyLou-
I am wishing you lots of luck. Here is a suggestion-
Ask son and DIL to write down "instructions" for you. If you have in writing what foods baby can have, bedtime procedures, any unusual requirements for diaper changing, etc. then DIL can't come back later and accuse you of anything. It is the PARENT's responsibility to let caregivers know of their wishes. the first time my MIL kept my littlest one over night, she asked me about 20 questions about the care of the baby. I know she is competent, but she wanted to make sure things went smoothly. She loves that baby more than anything, and my very smart MIL wanted to make sure she did everything in her power to have that baby at her house again. I was a little annoyed with all of the questions she asked, but that first stay was great. When we picked up baby, MIL had completed a chart just like a day care would. She had made a copy of the blank "how was my day" sheet from daycare, and filled it in. I knew when baby slept, pooped, ate, played, etc. She even wrote a little note at the bottom about how much she enjoyed her visit, and how we must be great parents to have such a "perfect" little one. That note is in the baby book! She now has the little one for an overnight visit at least once every other month, and a couple of times a year when we go on vacation.
With that said, I know I am a reasonable person and your DIL is NOT. I can see someone like her blowing you off as you ask important questions. Enlist your son to help. He is the father and should know the answers to those questions. Then, if you still do something "wrong" it would be because her dear hubby messed up, not you!
Please let us know how the visit goes :)
I think if your DIL sees that you are calm about all of this (not overtly OMG THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!) and happy and willing to follow any of her instructions, this could be a really good thing.
As a sidenote - I would keep the visit lowkey. Don't plan anything out of the ordinary like taking the baby anywhere (as we've seen from other MIL's on the board here where that can lead!) or leaving him alone with your daughter to baby-sit. I know this is annoying but it will be worth it if this is the beginning of a closer relationship.
Enjoy :)
someone here bought up something that another DIL told me a long time ago, and I believe it....my DIL would have never allowed me to watch her child, unless she trusted me...and I had my GD every single weekend, both Sat. & Son when they were living home...
so, Bettylou, you've got a lot of good advice here that will help you along....and yes, I would definately ask DIL to make of list of things she wants you to accomplish, both do's and don'ts while you have your GC...it might make her feel so relieved that your interested in pleasing her...
Just go for it....and let the past be over, and try and go forward and enjoy your GC...that would be so productive...if DIL sees a change in you, eventually she may drop her resistence? I surely hope so....
I will not be leaving him with my husband or daughter I figured if the parents wanted them to watch him they would have asked for them. And I won't be doing anything big with him. I think we will play in the yard with him, he is almost two years old, cook him his favorite foods and play with some toys. I will not do anything extreme or deliberately upsetting to my daughter in law. However if there is a complaint from son on the behalf of daughter in law I am going to ask her to call me and if she will not talk to me about it I am not going to worry about it.
Bettylou, GOOD FOR YOU, ;D
whooo hoooo, ;D
and I hope you have the best time ever!!!! ;D
I'm with Creme - Very solid, strong and clear. ;D
I'd reconsider the not worrying about a concern if she doesn't call you specifically - the rule in my house is that when my parents/family do something that offends/bothers my DH, I deal with them. When his family does something, he deals with it. Your son and DIL may have the same rule in their house and just haven't verbalized it to you as its their private business. So I'd listen to anything your son says and know that its coming from both of them. Don't play the 'she didn't say it to me so it doesn't mean anything' game.
I think you're going to have a good time though and this won't be a concern. She must trust you to be leaving her child with you and that's fantastic - I have friends who's IL's are not allowed to leave the room with their kids, let alone baby-sit them. Ok - back to work for me, lunch break is over. :D
Son has directions for me on what he likes to eat and when he needs to sleep, so I am ok with following them. I am getting more excited now I have not been able to see him for five months. I can't wait to see how big he is and all the new things he has learned
Babies and toddlers do change a lot in a month or so...if we don't get to see them due to distance, bad timing, illness, or just plain vindictiveness we miss out on a lot. I'm so glad you have a cool head about this, Betty. I agree with Allohamora to tone down the gratitude and enthusiasm in front of DIL & DS...it might make you seem needy and it seems like a lot of skittish DILs/DSs don't like that ;)
Quote from: keeponsmilin on April 22, 2010, 10:40:30 AM
BettyLou-
I am wishing you lots of luck. Here is a suggestion-
Ask son and DIL to write down "instructions" for you. If you have in writing what foods baby can have, bedtime procedures, any unusual requirements for diaper changing, etc. then DIL can't come back later and accuse you of anything. It is the PARENT's responsibility to let caregivers know of their wishes. the first time my MIL kept my littlest one over night, she asked me about 20 questions about the care of the baby. I know she is competent, but she wanted to make sure things went smoothly. She loves that baby more than anything, and my very smart MIL wanted to make sure she did everything in her power to have that baby at her house again. I was a little annoyed with all of the questions she asked, but that first stay was great. When we picked up baby, MIL had completed a chart just like a day care would. She had made a copy of the blank "how was my day" sheet from daycare, and filled it in. I knew when baby slept, pooped, ate, played, etc. She even wrote a little note at the bottom about how much she enjoyed her visit, and how we must be great parents to have such a "perfect" little one. That note is in the baby book! She now has the little one for an overnight visit at least once every other month, and a couple of times a year when we go on vacation.
With that said, I know I am a reasonable person and your DIL is NOT. I can see someone like her blowing you off as you ask important questions. Enlist your son to help. He is the father and should know the answers to those questions. Then, if you still do something "wrong" it would be because her dear hubby messed up, not you!
Please let us know how the visit goes :)
Betty:
I love what Keeponsmilin has suggested.
While I was pregnant with the twins, I typed up a day in the life of my DD and had it on the fridg in case I went into early labor and for while I was at the hospital.
My IL's came to stay with DD for the 4 days I was in the hospital. I gave it to them and had them read it over and asked them if they had any questions.
If your DS/DIL doesn't do this, I would suggest you have a pen & paper for when they drop him off and ask them some questions about your GC routine.
Sounds wonderful. Hope all goes well for you. You sound so excited! :D
I am sure it will be a wonderful experience for you all.
I am happy for you. I agree with the other posts. What do you have to lose. You dont see your grandchild often or have him stay with you. I feel you are excited and nervous at the same time. I understand you perfectly well, believe me I have been there (not anymore). I did have my first grandchild every friday to take care of him while his parents (dil and son) were working. From Monday thru Thursday he would stay with the other grandmother. But I knew perfectly well that at the end of the day when dil came to pick him up....he would asked me a lot of questions and than my son would call me and asked me if I....this....if I....that. So this was a very tense situation, it seemed dil was never happy with what I did...no matter how hard I tried. So, I was very happy but anxious every Friday. When I finally could not bear it any longer I asked my son not to bring the baby to me on Fridays because it was nerve wrecking and started to have a depression. When I told son this he said that he understoood me and that he would let dil know about my decision. I think that I had never cried so much than when I made this decision. It took a lot of courage on my side but it was affecting me tremendously. Okey (long story huh?). It worked. They continue bringing my grandson on Fridays and dil apologized. She has changed a lot and now they have another baby girl and I watch both of them on Fridays and they bring them to stay over on weekends very often. Go for it.... Just do your best....and maybe its the beginning of something real good. Good luck and may God bless you.
And we go along with you, heart-to-heart.
My son called to firm up the the babysitting plans he actually told me that DIL was very happy that I had agreed and wanted to know if there was anything she could do for me and my husband. I thought was very nice of her. I did not push my luck and ask for anything, I told him I just wanted her and her mom and my son to have a great time and that I thought it was very nice of her to say that. I am hoping things are shifting for us? I just don't want to be a place I have been in before where I thought the worst was over and then got a big smack so to speak. My daughter in law can be very very charming when she chooses to be, and that is nice, she can be a joy to know at times, but when she chooses to be cold and calculated it is dreadful to see her in action. I have always wondered if she was a bipolar or perhaps a personality disorder of some type. She does not only switch back and forth with us but with my son too. I have seen her sitting on his lap and playing with his hair then with in 15 minutes she is scolding him to leave her alone and not touch her. I just want so badly to not be the big bad mother in law, the other undesirable grandmother or the pain in the butt side of the family. I have been those things in her eyes for so long and it does not get easier. I just want so badly to fit in to their lives somehow. I asked son if he wanted me to send them off with any snacks and he said they love my jam cookies and would like to have those so I will send those
Crossing fingers...elbows and eyes...
Quote from: Anna on April 22, 2010, 03:51:24 PM
Bettylou, I would check with dil before you take him outside. My dil wouldn't even allow us to take our first gc out into their fenced in backyard his whole first summer. Got upset when we sat out on the front porch, cause she didn't want people to think her house was our house & by sitting on the front porch people might get that idea. (She actually told me that).
HUH!?! That just made me LOL. WOW!!
I'm wondering - was it that you were outside without her? Maybe she was just making things up because she didn't want you to leave the room she was in with her baby? Because that rational is just ...wow!
Quote from: bettylou on April 23, 2010, 06:40:23 AM
My son called to firm up the the babysitting plans he actually told me that DIL was very happy that I had agreed and wanted to know if there was anything she could do for me and my husband. I thought was very nice of her. I did not push my luck and ask for anything, I told him I just wanted her and her mom and my son to have a great time and that I thought it was very nice of her to say that. I am hoping things are shifting for us? I just don't want to be a place I have been in before where I thought the worst was over and then got a big smack so to speak. My daughter in law can be very very charming when she chooses to be, and that is nice, she can be a joy to know at times, but when she chooses to be cold and calculated it is dreadful to see her in action. I have always wondered if she was a bipolar or perhaps a personality disorder of some type. She does not only switch back and forth with us but with my son too. I have seen her sitting on his lap and playing with his hair then with in 15 minutes she is scolding him to leave her alone and not touch her. I just want so badly to not be the big bad mother in law, the other undesirable grandmother or the pain in the butt side of the family. I have been those things in her eyes for so long and it does not get easier. I just want so badly to fit in to their lives somehow. I asked son if he wanted me to send them off with any snacks and he said they love my jam cookies and would like to have those so I will send those
Dear BettyLou
You are not the bad MIL...believe me, I think your very understanding...unfortunately, your DIL does seem to have some kind of problem...
I've heard that people who are in dire need of attention, will do anything to get attention, even if it's negative...hence, your DIL sitting with your son, twirling his hair and then all of a sudden having a hissy fit...maybe, it's b/c he is engrossed in TV and not giving her attention, therefore, she gets it in acting out badly?
Just a guess, however, it isn't you...believe that and enjoy the time you have with your GC....big hugs, Creme
Bonkersville! :o
Quote from: keeponsmilin on April 22, 2010, 10:40:30 AM
BettyLou-
I am wishing you lots of luck. Here is a suggestion-
Ask son and DIL to write down "instructions" for you. If you have in writing what foods baby can have, bedtime procedures, any unusual requirements for diaper changing, etc. then DIL can't come back later and accuse you of anything. It is the PARENT's responsibility to let caregivers know of their wishes. the first time my MIL kept my littlest one over night, she asked me about 20 questions about the care of the baby. I know she is competent, but she wanted to make sure things went smoothly. She loves that baby more than anything, and my very smart MIL wanted to make sure she did everything in her power to have that baby at her house again. I was a little annoyed with all of the questions she asked, but that first stay was great. When we picked up baby, MIL had completed a chart just like a day care would. She had made a copy of the blank "how was my day" sheet from daycare, and filled it in. I knew when baby slept, pooped, ate, played, etc. She even wrote a little note at the bottom about how much she enjoyed her visit, and how we must be great parents to have such a "perfect" little one. That note is in the baby book! She now has the little one for an overnight visit at least once every other month, and a couple of times a year when we go on vacation.
With that said, I know I am a reasonable person and your DIL is NOT. I can see someone like her blowing you off as you ask important questions. Enlist your son to help. He is the father and should know the answers to those questions. Then, if you still do something "wrong" it would be because her dear hubby messed up, not you!
Please let us know how the visit goes :)
Great post, keeponsmilin! I need to remember all those ideas for when we have our first grandchild in July. I anticipate a minimum of baby visits and if we are fortunate enough to actually babysit overnight or even babysit at all, these are all great suggestions! I don't think I would have come up with those thoughts on my own. I think your ideas would put a pretty fluffy feather in Bettylou's hat. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs to all, Hope
Dear Hope, you are such a kind, sweet person...I don't know why anyone would want to limit your access to GC, but I understand what you mean about "anticipating a minimum of baby visits." My DIL has already made it clear that when GC make their appearance her parents will be the main event because they were great parents and we weren't (long story, and not true, but what are we going to do?) I'm storing all these ideas away, too, in the hope that one day (no babies on the horizon yet) I can show DIL that I'll be a responsible, obedient GM.
Keepsonsmilin, thanks for the suggestions!
Pen, thanks for your compliments! I blunder all over the place, but at least it's not on purpose - not vindictive or mean spirited. I don't think anyone would have met up to your dil's standards, so don't feel like you caused it. I have a feeling that the misunderstanding about your parenting being inferior is not just a misunderstanding - maybe more manipulation to make sure dil's parents stay on top. In some ways I believe that is what's happening in my situation. My dil is very competitive (the bad kind - poor sportsmanship) and I've often wondered if we were cast away because she didn't want her parents' ranking to be challenged. That was one of the theories I came up with while analyzing (for the thousandth time). Stay strong! You have so much to offer. If I thought you could improve what you are doing, I'd try to guide you in some way - but I can't find where you are lacking.
Sending hugs.......Hope
Thanks, Anna. I just love the reinforcement we receive from each other here. We need that support to keep us going.
I learn so much from reading what you are all going through. For one thing, it helps us to brace ourselves for what may be coming our way and also to try to cut it off at the pass. If we have an idea what we'll be up against, we may be able to avoid it.
I particularly enjoy reading your posts - your love for your gc shines through each one and warms my heart.
Love and hugs......Hope
{{{hugs}}} to you both. Your kindness and support help immensely, and I'm once again reminded about how special this site is.
Are we lucky, or what? :D
We are sooooooooo lucky! Once again I stayed up way too late to read all my unread recent posts and I will be falling asleep tonight in peace after reading all your encouraging words.
Hugs, Hope
G'nite...sending love...