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Didi.lost.....thank you for those kind words of support and comfort.  I feel almost silly writing that I think I may need counseling.  I'm not really coping with the sudden lost very well....Anyhoo...I suppose it will pass, but thanks again...Hugs

Sad but good story-
I recently lost my beloved furbaby suddenly after a dental cleaning. He was a cat that I hand raised.  Literally made him bottles and fed him at 2 am.  He was a furry son to me and truth be told, I'm still not coping well. This was last Friday.  I texted DS that he died.  He called me immediately to make sure I was okay.  Everyone knows how I loved that cat.  Sat. we took him for a necropsy. Sat. afternoon DS, FDIL and GB came by to visit.  They stayed until 11:30 pm.  They stayed that long to be there for me.  It was one of the kindest things that FDIL could have done for me.  It made me hope that someday I could perhaps convince her that I would like to be there for her just as she was there for me.  Yep.....a solid 9, heck....maybe even a 10.

Quote from: jdtm on July 26, 2012, 05:48:56 AM

QuoteShe feels family should be there for one another no matter what the problem.

Didi - you are "there" for your DD - you love her, want the best for her and probably pray for her every day.  Your sister can choose how she is "there" for her niece; you can choose how you are "there" for your daughter.  And we all know that "tough love" is one of the most difficult paths to take.  I have found that always taking care of others and ignoring myself does not work.  I used to think that my job on earth was to make everyone's life easier (and I could at the expense of mine).  This does not work - as Luise said - "you are loved and you matter".   I count and so do you.  We're here for you ....

Perfectly written.  

If I haven't said it lately.....I ADORE YOU ALL!!!

It's like having a entire team of therapist who speak from wisdom and experience.  THANK YOU!

Smilesback@U- I'm afraid to communicate directly with FDIL.  No matter what I say or do she twist it around to make me seem just awful.  If I were to give her the common courtesy of asking when it would okay to visit, she would probably see it as some way of entrapment, some phony gesture just to see if I would make a fuss at the response.  Any and everything I do is suspicious to her.  I don't know why.  I do have a life besides being a GP.  But at the same time I have a very darling GD that I see daily and it's impossible for my heart to feel empty or my arms to feel bare when she's around.  Of course I have love in abundance and would love to be the same GM to DS's daughter as I am to this one, but if it doesn't work out that way I will have to accept it. 

 
Hi NewMama and congrats on being a new mama!    I remember being a new mama some years ago.  Neither sets of GPs required an invitation and they stopped by whenever they wanted.  I actually always relished the visits because they gave me a little break and because I loved sharing my beautiful creations with them.  When your baby does something cute it's so sweet, but when you are able to share that cuteness, it's even sweeter!  Unfortunately, the GP didn't seem to visit enough for me.  I would like to see GD more, but I don't really care if she see FDIL mother more.  I little time will do.  I remember when DS made a comment during one of his visits about seeing us this weekend because they spent every weekend with her mom.  DH and I thought that we liked things just as they were.  Sheesh....every weekend???!!!

Beth, it is true.  Poor little thing.  And I mean that in the most compassionate way.  She really is losing it.  She just doesn't seem to know what she wants and the more she complains and flip flops the worst she looks to DS.  I'm learning that the best way to keep the peace is to try to understand FDIL.  When she had her mini nervous break down I asked DS to please be patient with her because she just had a baby and her hormones are all over the place and it's natural.  Yesterday DS said that FDIL is a narcissist. He said he read up on it and if was her exactly. Hmmm....he saiid it, I didn't.  I offered no comment.  DS is the type to tell everything. If they ever had a fight and he called her that he'd be the first to say and "MY MOM AGREES!!!" lol They'd make up and she'd just hate me more. No siree, not me.

Lilly, DS doesn't get it.  FDIL never offered a sincere apology or any kind of apology.  She even told a lie about saying she was sorry during a telephone conversation.  It never happened.  I've been waiting for that, and I assure you I woudn't have forgotten.  I think she said it for DS's benefit.  She did apologize to my DH and I think it was sincere.  Thank you for your kind words, I don't think we deserved to be treated that way and I think I do deserve an apology.  I have apolgized to FDIL many times.  I sincerely hoped we could move on.  DS thinks that all is in the past since we talked after we were thrown out.  I'm fine with that, but what he doesn't see is that FDIL is not fine with it.  It was not resolved with her.  She is not ready or  capable of moving on.  I dont feel comfortable in her presence, I would not feel comfortable in her home, and I would feel uncomfortable holding "her' baby while she watched me.  Until then, pictures and visits without FDIL sounds great to me.

Thanks LL...You understand!  It's true that I don't believe DS's sentiments are the same as FDIL.  When he said that we could go see GD that day and we explained that we had something to do and it would be too late, DS "No it won't.  Come anytime.  Her mom came by at 11:pm the other night".  I sincerely doubt that FDIL would want to see me at 11:pm.  Heck, even I wouldn't want to see someone at that time...Not even my mom...unless of course it was an emergency. 

I gotta get me a collection of those shirts! 

You are so right Luise.  I've never experienced anything like this before. And I do know that words have a way of getting distorted.  DS feels like everything is fine because of the talk we had that day.  While I believe it was helpful I know that it in no way resolved all of the issues. FDIL did not instantly begin to like and trust me because we talked for 15 mins, and I must say that I feel the same. 

I'm sorry Doe, but I'm confused too.  It was sorta a invitation, but not really...Hmmmm....how do I explain?  He did say to come over, so yes, that is an invitation.  But it only came after I mentioned that we hadn't seen her and would like pictures.  DH and I thought it best to give them space after the last visit and was waiting for an out and out invitation, something that they discussed and agreed upon so as not to cause any conflict.

I guess my confusion is that FDIL has expressed that we are strange for not asking to see her, as though she never had an issue with us seeing her.  I feel almost as though we are the neglectful grandparents, and not the grandparents who were shunned.  Do we start asking, or do we wait for an invitation? I thought we were being thoughtful of their new family by waiting to be asked over, especially after the last visit.  But instead FDIL now feels that we're not interested in seeing the baby.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello Wise Women,

   Please help me to see things from the perspective of wiser eyes.  My DS came by yesterday.  He was with out GD and FDIL, which was fine.  We were thrilled to see him and he was a joy to have around.  I asked about GD and what personality traits she's showing, what does she do (she's newborn so I didn't expect much..maybe smiles a lot...responds to his voice..little things like that. DS said all she does is eat, sleep, poop and cry. Crying and pooping in large amounts...sleeping, not so much.  According to DS she's not any fun yet, lol.  It's not easy being a parent.

So anyhoo, a little later I ask him for more pictures because I haven't seen her in a week and he's really bad at sending them.  He says, "won't you come on over."  I said that we didn't think it was a good idea after the last visit.  We weren't going to ask to come over, we were going to wait for an invitation.  We told DS that we didn't think FDIL wanted us around.....Here's the kicker....FDIL has complained that we haven't asked to come by and see the baby and thinks it's really strange that we don't want to see her!   This is the same person that threw us out just last week.

I was at a loss for words until I finally said we are danged if we do, and danged if we don't.  Please edit that if it's not appropriate to say here, but I couldn't think of any other way to express my feelings.  If we want to see the baby we are wrong and it's an issue.  If we don't ask to see the baby we're wrong and it's an issue.  I don't now what to do anymore.

HELP PLEASE!!!

  LOL Lillycache!   That is so true!!! My DS has told quite a few cockamaymee stories.  I think he told them to be able to get to the point of pillow talk, if you know what mean.  Once he got started he just couldn't stop.  And believe you me, DS has told some doozies about me, my DH and his, what I know to be dysfunctional, family! 

FDIl has quite a few stories as well, so I imgaine that DS thought he was comforting her by telling a few of his own....even if he had to make them up. 

Thanks Beth, I agree.  Although my DS have said and shown that he wants his FOO in his life and his DD's life, DH and I have decided to do just what you said....Keep on keeping on.  We feel that tryng to be involved in his life and the the baby's right now would be destructive to his relationship with FDIL.  FDIL seems to think that I have some kind of powerful control over DS.  I only text DS twice a month just to check on him and let him know I love him.  Sometimes he calls me for various reasons, but we are in no way close enough for FDIL to feel I'm powerful or threatened by our relationship. 

In her defense DS led her to believe that I was this doting, over protective mother who loved him so much that I have a hard time letting him go.

Thank you Enorton.  I'm sorry that you are going thru something similar.  They don't understand who that they are hurting the children as well as us.  Let's hope that time will help.  Hugs

Quote from: Scoop on June 26, 2012, 10:09:32 AM
It's not equal, but it's fair.

You won't be able to make everyone happy, so make your decisions (with DH of course) and go from there.  You don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your choices to anyone.

Are your IL's likely to complain?

   I love what you wrote.  I never heard of JADE....brilliant!!!    I will be borrowing that.

BTW, I agree with Scoop 100%

Thanks Pen.     Me too!!!  I just want us all to be happy!  All of us...even FDIL.

Thanks Keysgirls- DS called me a little while ago.  He had a question about medication and wanted me to research it.  I asked him how he was and how was FDIL and baby.  He said they were fine but the baby was "cluster feeding".  Never heard of it but did a little resarch.  Means she's wanted to eat all the time and is fussy.  It's perfectly normal, but very frustrating.  I hope that he and FDIL are working together to keep each other sane. 

Thanks again.

Hi Begonia,

   You are right about the baby. She's only 11 days old, but babies can pick up on bad vibes. A angry, hosile mother does not give off he same warmth and love in her eyes as a loving, peaceful mother.  Angry parents who are yelling at each other is also not conducive to rasing a loving and peaceful baby.  Which is exactly why I told both FDIL and DS during our talk that they shouldn't allow outside parties, not me or my husband, or her mom and her mom's husband, cause conflict in their relationship.  I told her that I've been with my husband for 30 years and at the end of the day we're still going to be together and I hoped the same for her mom and husband.  I said if all of this fighting is over the inlaws than take a break from us and save your family.
I would rather step back if it would allow them all to be happy, than force my way into a home and be a part of its destruction.  My GC doesn't deserve that. 

I have stepped away from FDIL, she just won't leave me alone.  She's a bully looking for a fight.  I think it's all she knows.