SM announced that she and DF are making a trip and we're one of the lucky stops on their itinerary. DH is not happy about this, but he knows there is no graceful way out. Oh, this is fraught with the potential for disaster! However, I'm sure my wonderful WWU sisters will help me avoid a bad scenario and embrace a positive way of dealing with it all.
First, we were going to have to spend 6 hours driving on Christmas Day to pick them up. I have now reduced that to 2 by suggesting an alternative to their transportation plans (way to stick up for myself! Yay!) But 2 hours is still 2 hours when I have other guests to consider! They are requiring separate bedrooms, so I need to find another guest bed. DF isn't very ambulatory so he'll need a comfy reading chair. And so on, and so on with special dietary considerations, criticism of our holiday traditions, decor, etc. etc. Some BG: these are people who haven't been very nice to me in the past; SM has been cruel at times, DF rejecting.
I'm starting to twitch already, and I was doing so well :( Buck up, Private! Smile! And as one of our WW has often said, wine helps :)
Let the holidays begin!
:) wine plus baileys and coffee....................... ;) but you do have the right to say "no"
for me though, surviving what i have survived in my life time, a couple days with IL's or parents, step monsters, what ever, is ok. just dawn your suit of armor and reflect all the "icky stuff"
i also try to remember that my mil (whom i love dearly) will not be on this planet for much longer.
life is short, it is what we make it, and its all in the attitude!
on with the holidays!
8)
I know how you feel Pen... I was surprised how this is quickly turning into the busiest holiday season of my life.. now instead of 3 kids... I have 6..oh yeah plus my dd's girlfriend is coming in as well.. So when my parents who I've not spent a Christmas with in years called and said that they wanted to come.. I just laughed and said sure why not... so my kids will have two set of grandparents in the same room.. they call each grandma and grandpa.. I see mass confusion about to erupt. With all that my one son says.. mom I'd like to have my own room... what did this kid think we built a mansion? I said well the best I can do is my over sized closet can be your room... I'll make sure there are no dirty clothes in the hamper. I'm giving my bedroom to all the kids since we have two full size beds in there.. I have my own pillow top mattress that dh says he can't sleep on.. so I can fit 4 in the beds alone and 3 in sleeping bags.. DH and I will move to the smaller room.. DH said well you know we'll be sleeping in the same bed that night.. I said yeah and as we are listening to the commotion in the next room you'll remember how get came to be in this mess...
Sounds like fun, ladies...keep 'em coming (the Baileys, etc., not the guests.) I've already borrowed a bed to add to DH & my room for DD; blow up bed in office for SM; guest room for DF; DS & DIL in living room on sofa bed; if anyone else comes they'll be on the floor. We'll replace our aging water heater JIC, but can't manage pumping the septic til after - keep your fingers crossed! Add a big, comfy chair for DF by the fireplace and we're set (I've wanted one there for years anyway.) Oh, and a trip to Trader Joe's for some "$2 buck" to throw in the crockpot for mulled wine ;D
Laurie, I bought a big jug of vinegar the other day. I've been using it everywhere. DH thinks it's hilarious. Thanks for reminding us about this wonder product.
Erma, you're right, life is short - DF is not likely to make such a trip ever again, so I'm going to make his stay here as pleasant as possible. One of my oldest friends who knows my history says to try not to engage with SM or DIL. Be polite, but don't get deeply involved. Smile, smile, smile.
Pen, I'm going to be thinking of you while I slip some whiskey into my own coffee at SaneXSIL's this Christmas. It'll be my X, our son, SaneXSIL and possibly CrazyXSIL all staying in Sane's house for a week. X is a yeller, and Crazy is emotionally uber-fragile and talks obsessively about her bladder. The three siblings haven't been in the same room together for about 10 years. Should be a total blast! ::) I'm planning on staying as mellow as possible without falling over, and doing a lot of crocheting (too afraid that if I bring knitting needles, I'll stab someone with them, lol).
I'll be thinking of you too, Elsieshaye! What a quirky indie film that gathering would make :)
I can't wait to here the outcome of these holiday plans, ladies! Sounds verrrrry interesting. Do I see a movie in the making? I hope it's a comedy and not a murder mystery! LOL! I'll be thinking of you.
Hugs, Hope
Hi all, I'm freaking out already and ETA for SM & DF is 3 weeks away. DH has put his foot down on spending any $$$ on their visit which is causing more stress for me. Yes, I have my own (much smaller) income but don't want accomodating DF's disabilities to end my marriage. I've tried to explain to DH that taking care of some of this stuff (a couple of furniture/bedding purchases) is for my peace of mind, not just to be hospitable to DF. Spent the last 2 days trying not to be enraged so have been crying A LOT. DH reminds me that we have been treated less than royally when visiting SM & DF and that doing any more than the bare minimum isn't warranted. Part of me feels like DH is using this as an excuse to not help me; once again I'm left doing everything. I have some physical limits right now (healing, but not 100% yet) which is an added stressor. I'm having such a hard time with this.
I am so tired of starting out with all good intentions and ending up feeling like I'm not meeting my, or anyone else's, expectations. No one is going to walk into our home and wonder why DH didn't make it nicer; it will be on me. If I make myself happy my relationship with DH is jeopardized. If I make DH happy I'm in for criticism from SM (brutal woman.) All the comforts I want to provide for DF/SM are things we needed to do anyway, but their visit puts some urgency on the situation.
As the "homemaker/dutiful daughter," how can I get to where my DH is and away from feeling responsibility for DF's comfort?
I just advised a dear friend to go away for Christmas - her FOO & child are treating her horribly. In my mind I'm also on a plane to some fabulous destination. Heck, I'd even take an old pickup truck rattling its way across the Great Plains. Alas, my path is before me and I must dig deep to find joy and peace this year. I so don't want to be Debbie Downer right now!
Hi Pen......B * R * E * A* T * H * E~~~~~Good...1st I want to commend you for simply wanting everyone to be comfortabel, even tho it costs$$$$, you just want to have a good holiday with everyone, I understand for I was also the same way...I will go broke to make certain I have everything for you which is a Beautiful quality to have....
NOW, lets flip this coin over.....DH may also have a good point as well. Lets NOT over due it to much and if they are not comfortable with what we have---go to a hotel..... Their is nothing wrong with that thought either--for it is the truth as well. :-\
This brings me to the movie "Christmas Vacation" with Chevy Chase, watch it again before everyone comes out.....Do the best you can and leave the rest.... :) YOUR marriage is not worth Jeopardizing!!!!! Is it????? :-\
I know you want everything to be perfect, and for everyone to be happy and comfy. But remember Love is the most important gift you can give and that does not cost a penny...
No more stressing.......HUGS, Faith
Quote from: Pen on December 05, 2010, 08:38:19 AM
DH reminds me that we have been treated less than royally when visiting SM & DF and that doing any more than the bare minimum isn't warranted. Any chance what your dh is saying has merit?
If I make DH happy I'm in for criticism from SM (brutal woman.) Pen...I ask this in all honestly...(not that you would do it) but do you have a small part of your brain that has ever wanted to just give her the look of tell and say "You are the most evil b@tch I know. Shut your mouth and shut it now."?
As the "homemaker/dutiful daughter," how can I get to where my DH is and away from feeling responsibility for DF's comfort? You have to figure out which person to you is more important. That is the person you make happy. The downside is the consequences from the other person. You have to figure out which is more important, has the worst consequences, and can you live with damaging the relationship? Basically comes down to which relationship is more important, imo.
Faith, I'm breathing, thanks for the reminder. Yes, they may go where they will be most comfortable. The nearest hotel is 20 miles or so away, so good luck to them, LOL. DH is just trying to protect me, I think, from once again putting a lot into it and being disappointed. He's been observing SM's shenanigans towards me, and DF's aiding and abetting, for many years.
Glitter, a most resounding YES to the first two and to the last one, of course I choose DH.
Thanks guys for putting it all into perspective.
Sorry I'm late chiming in, Pen, but I agree with Faith. Just be you and be loving. Love is priceless - and warm. I also agree to keep your conversation to a minimum with SM to avoid her assaults. I like the idea of watching Chevy Chase's "Christmas Vacation" before your guests arrive - maybe even during their visit. The worst thing - or the best thing - that could happen is they decide to stay in a hotel. Whatever happens - just remember that you are a wonderful person and very loved.
Hugs, Hope
Thanks so much, Hope. My attitude has changed completely and I realize that the rest of my family is taking their cues from me so I'd better keep a positive outlook if I want a happy, peaceful, loving visit with DF, SM, & the rest of my motley crew.
It's possible that I could have come to my new viewpoint w/o WWU, but not likely or at any rate not in a timely manner. Again, thank you all.
One of my strategies will be to keep them well-fed...if you're flat-out on the couch after eating too many tamales you can't do too much damage, eh? Off to the kitchen I go!
So how'd everyone fare? I've been thinking of you all, hoping you've managed to have the joyous day you deserve. So far so good here, thanks to WWU. I quit worrying so much, DH stepped up, I let go of a lot of unimportant things & focused more on enjoying everything. What a concept!
Hi Pen, Good for you!!! And keep up the great work too....... This did take me back to the time I was married and I knew MIL and FIL were coming out for the Holidays---OMG I could of had stood on my head for MIL and nothing was ever good enough...My FIL was always the best, but that MIL was just a witch....and now that I look back on everything--she was never worth all the fuss and money spent along with my nerves bouncing off the walls as I bit my tongue and smiled at all of her dirty looks and words of belittlement..... Shame on me!!!! I should of had told her where to go years and years ago, at least then she would of had a real reason for the dirty looks and unkind words.....However, we live and learn dont we....Have a wonderful day and what matters most is YOU and your DH!!!!! Happy Holidays...Peace and HUgs, Faith :)
You too, Faith! :)
The house is empty and I have a few minutes to dish. I truly hope everyone survived without too much collateral damage, LOL.
My DIL was awesome! She helped when needed, backed off when not, was kind and respectful to DF & SM. They are smitten, of course. DDD has not had any meltdowns, she's hanging in really well through the changes in sleeping arrangements, etc. DH is behaving himself, too, although I've seen him take a deep breath on more than one occasion.
My DF and SM are still treating me like a moron who's sole purpose in life is to wait on them. They refuse to ask how my career is going, what books I've read lately, or what I think about world affairs, but engaged DH, DS & DIL in those conversations for hours on end. If I mention my job or an interesting book their eyes glaze over and they interrupt me with a request for more tea or whatever. I am reminded hourly that this is how it has been and will be; don't know why I thought it might be different.
This time, though, I have the support of my WWU sisters and I'm truly sailing through it! Late last night when I felt the hint of a pity party starting I re-read some older posts and got my mojo back, so to speak. It still hurts to be dismissed, to feel like I don't have a FOO, to be seen as someone different than I am, to not be acknowledged for the hard work I've done with DDD, etc. etc....but I'm not engaging in anger about it. It's more of a humourous observation, and I honestly feel sorry for them - they're missing out on a lot by their snobbishness.
SM called me her DIL at one point - Dr. Freud in the house?? (She was talking about how lucky she was with her son's wife - "She's good to have as a DIL (awkward pause) ...oh, and so are you."
Have a happy New Year, WW all! "Progress is heaven in twenty eleven!"
Happy New Year everyone!
Hi Pen! I'm so happy for you that you didn't allow your DF/SM to ruin your days - that you looked at them as missing out and I hope you reminded yourself that they are the ones with the problem. You are the one with it all together - regardless what they think!
I've missed everyone lately. I have been beyond busy with our ydd's wedding in late November and the holidays.
I hope everyone had a joyous Christmas/Holiday.
Hugs, Hope
Hope, so good to hear from you! I hope you've had a little time to catch your breath. Happy new year to you!
Thanks, Pen. I'm finally feeling myself again. Still have all the Christmas stuff up, though. Have you recovered from your Christmas visitors yet?
Hugs, Hope