Just found out my DIL came home for thanksgiving of last year, while my son was away working....she never came by with my GD...and stayed with my son's father and his wife....
sheeesh....
Creme, that is so hurtful. I'm sorry you are going through this. It makes me have a knot in my stomach and it isn't really my situation! I can only imagine how that feels for you!
Is there some way of talking to your son's father and his wife to see if they know what the problem is? Maybe they have heard something and could help you understand...
Creme? You ok?
I don't understand why DIL's feel threatened by us.
I don't understand how anyone can be so hateful to keep a grand daughter away...when she became pregnant, I was told by two friends, one my sister, that they were afraid, she would use my GD to hurt me...
It just never ends...
Coco
I'm ok, just feel frumpy....thank you
That's so rude and hurtful. I don't understand how some people can be so cruel and heartless. Unless the MIL is a dangerous criminal, DIL could 'suck it up' for a couple of hours and bring the GKs by. My goodness. And using children to get back at someone? That's a form of abuse, IMHO.
Maybe we MILs have it all wrong - we should just do what we want, when we want without regard to anyone else's feelings. Treat others like subhuman pieces of you know what. Could you do that? I don't think I could! How can they???
I don't like finding out these things, but I want to know. My DH would rather not know. I wish I could be more like him.
Thank you girls, right now I'm still shaking...tell you what, I could understand if I were into drugs or drank alot...or was harmful, or unstable....but this? What did I ever do to deserve this...and how can my son live with himself and allow this...he's working his arse off and she gets on a plane and flys home...she refuses to get a decent job with benifits that requires her to work everyday...she is a spritzer girl in a mall and works maybe, once a month, and during the christmas holidays...and she spends more then she makes....how can you do that to your husband, and why oh why does he put up with it....????
I went home last night and felt awful....cried and cried...I know, it was last Thanksgiving that she was home...however, it doesn't take away the fact of how desperately she wants to hurt me...by keeping my GD away from me...what breaks the heart, is that son, allows this, and doesn't put down his foot and tell her, Listen, she watched her for you every weekend, when you were home....for a year....then she was good enough, and then, during that time, she behaved herself towards me...at the very least, he should tell her, this is going to stop....you don't have to like my mother, but you can be civil and act like a normal DIL in the small amount of time we're around....so, take our daughter to visit her.....
but no...I was more angry and hurt, by my son last night, then I have been in a long time...I cannot believe he goes on, saying nothing, doing nothing...allowing this woman, to hurt the lives of others....
I cannot believe this is the same loving son I raised...ladies, it hurts awful....doesn't it....like I said, good days and bad days....awful....
what does a human being get, out of hating that much, and wanting to hurt someone that much?
I'm so sorry, Creme. I know how this hurts. I am so low too that I feel like I'm just dying. My DIL pulls this stuff all the time.
I have gone down so fast that it scares me. I am quite dramatic...but was a lot of fun. People loved my dramatic ways and I got laughs, which I thrived on, all the time. I had such a great sense of humor.
It seems like that's a joke now. I try to keep my mouth shut and behave like a different person but I am very tenderhearted and hurt for others, which seems to bother the DIL, both of them. I'm trying to be different but because of whatever happened to me growing up, I can't seem to change. I can feel the DILs disapproval of me. The sons once adored that part of me. We had so much fun together.
They were so proud of all my accomplishments and seemed to really love being with me. Now, I can tell, their view of me is different. I don't know why I was thrown away. Thrown away. They knew that would kill me and it has.
I had a tragic childhood, just like yours. I don't think I can take this.
Creme,i feel so bad for you,actually i feel so bad for every one on here.We don't even know each other,and it's so easy to have compassion,understanding,and heart ache for one another.It's so hard,when you know they do this stuff just to hurt us.Can you talk to your son's father and see if they know anything?
Creme,
I have been thinking about your words. I wish I could see you in person to comfort you, I think I could get my idea across better. I once found out that an ex-boyfriend had cheated on me, while he and I were still together, with my (supposed) very good friend. I found out 2 years after it happened. It was the oddest feeling being upset over a guy I didn't even like (he was an ex for a reason). And people the "friend" and I knew in common, thought I was unreasonable for choosing not to associate with "friend" anymore over such old news. Over an old drunken party hook-up?. "Get over it." He probably cheated on you with others anyway. You have a history with her since then, friendship's more important. It's not like you ended up with the guy anyway, blah blah. Feeling betrayed at a part of your past you didn't even know you had, is baffling and strange! You end up chiding yourself for feeling anything over the fools.
I feel like know the shock of your feelings. The logical part of me is like, well, you haven't had a relationship with DIL in years. It's not that she did something because of any reason (like you said, you're not a drunk, druggy) other than maintain the status of what was already going on. She literally did nothing. As she has been doing for 3 years, so why would this day be any different than the days before or since. She can do nothing there or nothing here, it's the same. She's a cold petty fish in any town. There is no love lost.
And if we look at this in context, with such a cold fish, her usual saying and doing nothing... may have even spared you worse pain. Who knows what tall tales this woman was capable of stirring up from such a visit, without DS there (the weird baby rocking in the corner comes to mind).
Your son is out of the country. For work and career. He can't make his wife do what he would obviously like to do, if he was there to do it. He can't make her do anything. He was not there to have a visit with your grand daughter. Creme, I think you can know 100% for sure that he would have brought your grand daughter by if he was there. He loves you, he knows what's important to you, and he absolutely would not have come to your town without doing that. Do you recognize that truth? Inside the hurt, can you see that truth there? I think that is where to focus. The truth of an anguished but very real and authentic love.
I'm sorry for your heartbreak!
What a kind heart you have, Sassy.
Quote from: Sassy on February 04, 2010, 07:32:56 AM
I have been thinking about your words. I wish I could see you in person to comfort you, I think I could get my idea across better. I once found out that an ex-boyfriend had cheated on me, while he and I were still together, with my (supposed) very good friend. I found out 2 years after it happened. It was the oddest feeling being upset over a guy I didn't even like (he was an ex for a reason). And people the "friend" and I knew in common, thought I was unreasonable for choosing not to associate with "friend" anymore over such old news. Over an old drunken party hook-up?. "Get over it." He probably cheated on you with others anyway. You have a history with her since then, friendship's more important. It's not like you ended up with the guy anyway, blah blah. Feeling betrayed at a part of your past you didn't even know you had, is baffling and strange! You end up chiding yourself for feeling anything over the fools.
I feel like know the shock of your feelings. The logical part of me is like, well, you haven't had a relationship with DIL in years. It's not that she did something because of any reason (like you said, you're not a drunk, druggy) other than maintain the status of what was already going on. She literally did nothing. As she has been doing for 3 years, so why would this day be any different than the days before or since. She can do nothing there or nothing here, it's the same. She's a cold petty fish in any town. There is no love lost.
And if we look at this in context, with such a cold fish, her usual saying and doing nothing... may have even spared you worse pain. Who knows what tall tales this woman was capable of stirring up from such a visit, without DS there (the weird baby rocking in the corner comes to mind).
Your son is out of the country. For work and career. He can't make his wife do what he would obviously like to do, if he was there to do it. He can't make her do anything. He was not there to have a visit with your grand daughter. Creme, I think you can know 100% for sure that he would have brought your grand daughter by if he was there. He loves you, he knows what's important to you, and he absolutely would not have come to your town without doing that. Do you recognize that truth? Inside the hurt, can you see that truth there? I think that is where to focus. The truth of an anguished but very real and authentic love.
I'm sorry for your heartbreak!
Sassy, I am more impressed with your compassion and advice every time I read one of your posts! As far as your ex-friend goes, I believe your friends (or whoever was advising you) were wrong. Even years later betrayal can feel fresh when it comes from two people you obvioiusly trusted with your heart (your friend and your boyfriend). I agree with your decision to have nothing to do with that friend anymore. If she were going to have such thoughts (even if drinking which I think is an excuse more often than not), it will happen again. I know that sounds cold, but you are the captain of your own soul here. It's up to you to surround yourself with positive, caring people. I believe your valid in your feelings here. I know we are supposed to "forgive and foget" but I really think forgetting is not always called for.
I agree with this advice Creme. Your son "WOULD HAVE" been there at your home if he were not out of town. Your DIL is just winning when she can make you feel so unwanted and unloved. Don't let that happen. You were a wonderful and caring mother. You know it and we know that! Don't let her make you feel unloved, and don't forget these DIL's (like her) study you for years in order to get rid of your influence. Maybe I'm wrong and I hope someone tells me if I am. I just don't think that is coming from your son. I believe we have a special bond with our sons that nobody can erase forever. Maybe for a time, but not forever. My son came back home. He was finally able to talk to me. I hadn't had a conversation with him when she was with him because she controlled them. I know I still have a son that truly loves me. I was wondering too for so long. This is so wrong that these women are so jealous. Please don't let this hurt you. Try to see it for what it is. It's just wrong and you don't deserve it. Neither does your son.
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on February 04, 2010, 04:25:24 AM
I'm so sorry, Creme. I know how this hurts. I am so low too that I feel like I'm just dying. My DIL pulls this stuff all the time.
I have gone down so fast that it scares me. I am quite dramatic...but was a lot of fun. People loved my dramatic ways and I got laughs, which I thrived on, all the time. I had such a great sense of humor.
It seems like that's a joke now. I try to keep my mouth shut and behave like a different person but I am very tenderhearted and hurt for others, which seems to bother the DIL, both of them. I'm trying to be different but because of whatever happened to me growing up, I can't seem to change. I can feel the DILs disapproval of me. The sons once adored that part of me. We had so much fun together.
They were so proud of all my accomplishments and seemed to really love being with me. Now, I can tell, their view of me is different. I don't know why I was thrown away. Thrown away. They knew that would kill me and it has.
I had a tragic childhood, just like yours. I don't think I can take this.
Thank you Chickie
It all seems so senseless...so useless, what a waste of life, yanno...to hurt someone?
Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 04, 2010, 07:17:52 AM
Creme,i feel so bad for you,actually i feel so bad for every one on here.We don't even know each other,and it's so easy to have compassion,understanding,and heart ache for one another.It's so hard,when you know they do this stuff just to hurt us.Can you talk to your son's father and see if they know anything?
Hello Mominwaiting....thank you for the hugs
and yes, we are all in the same boat, and it sure does help to know, we can set sail for one another...
Quote from: Sassy on February 04, 2010, 07:32:56 AM
Creme,
I have been thinking about your words. I wish I could see you in person to comfort you, I think I could get my idea across better. I once found out that an ex-boyfriend had cheated on me, while he and I were still together, with my (supposed) very good friend. I found out 2 years after it happened. It was the oddest feeling being upset over a guy I didn't even like (he was an ex for a reason). And people the "friend" and I knew in common, thought I was unreasonable for choosing not to associate with "friend" anymore over such old news. Over an old drunken party hook-up?. "Get over it." He probably cheated on you with others anyway. You have a history with her since then, friendship's more important. It's not like you ended up with the guy anyway, blah blah. Feeling betrayed at a part of your past you didn't even know you had, is baffling and strange! You end up chiding yourself for feeling anything over the fools.
I feel like know the shock of your feelings. The logical part of me is like, well, you haven't had a relationship with DIL in years. It's not that she did something because of any reason (like you said, you're not a drunk, druggy) other than maintain the status of what was already going on. She literally did nothing. As she has been doing for 3 years, so why would this day be any different than the days before or since. She can do nothing there or nothing here, it's the same. She's a cold petty fish in any town. There is no love lost.
And if we look at this in context, with such a cold fish, her usual saying and doing nothing... may have even spared you worse pain. Who knows what tall tales this woman was capable of stirring up from such a visit, without DS there (the weird baby rocking in the corner comes to mind).
Your son is out of the country. For work and career. He can't make his wife do what he would obviously like to do, if he was there to do it. He can't make her do anything. He was not there to have a visit with your grand daughter. Creme, I think you can know 100% for sure that he would have brought your grand daughter by if he was there. He loves you, he knows what's important to you, and he absolutely would not have come to your town without doing that. Do you recognize that truth? Inside the hurt, can you see that truth there? I think that is where to focus. The truth of an anguished but very real and authentic love.
I'm sorry for your heartbreak!
Sassy, what a profound post....thank you from my heart....
I want you to know, that you did right by cutting off your friend, no matter what any one says....there is or should be, a silent pac between women, that you don't mess with a girl friend's boyfriend, and you don't mess with anyone else's husband....It is one of the sneakiest things one can do, therefore, I could never trust that woman again, with anything....so, you surely didn't loose on those two....
As far as my son is concerned, I don't know if your right...and the hurt is so deep....they were home together twice that I know of, in the past 4 years, and they didn't come by with GD....yes, I had cut them off, but my son knows me, and I wouldn't slam the door in his face...I don't know, if she knew I cut them off or not? But, they never came around...
I was thinking last night about how they went to counseling, right after the first two incidents...he said the counselor said, I did somethings wrong to..., I don't know what they were, except the part where I refused to eat the breakfast she put out....I was sick to my stomach and I never do eat breakfast, and he told her that...but, she put it out anyway, and I didn't eat it....but, they didn't tell the counselor, how horrible she treated me when he wasn't there....yanno? Whenever he is around, she is so freakin sweet? I would have loved to have gone to that counselor...he told me once, that when they first got married, she was so bad, he was going to book...meaning leave...he denied saying that, I didn't make it up...why did they go to counseling then? And that one time when she was yelling at me on the phone, she said, "And we went to counseling b/c of you!!!" Sheesh...no, they went to counseling b/c of her...
I just cannot imagine, how in the world, my son, my own flesh and blood, can simply reject me, to keep peace with her...? I mean, I don't expect him to start world war III over me, but I do expect him to put down his foot and say, enough, you are not going to hurt my mother again...I'm taking DD to see her, come along if you want, or don't. But we're going, and yanno what, she will come along, b/c that way she can control how long they stay, and after 45 minutes, say, are you ready?
I wonder, if there was somethings that I did while my son was growing up that he hates me for? I just cannot seem to fathom that he does this...plus, he calls the step mother mom, the one who used to beat him up verbally and physically????? I don't expect him to hate her, and I could even understand more if I were dead, but for him to gravitate more towards her, is very painful....
Honestly, I don't ever believe I'll get over this...I'm good for awhile, then something happens, and it tears ya up....
I don't know, I come into this website, wanting so badly to help others, help them understand, and give them advice, and I just don't feel like I should be doing that...I feel so weak now...so wrong and like a bad person...yanno?
Thanks so much for your support....
Love
Creme
coco, as always, sending you big hugs and thank yous
I can't speak with his father, they fear any connection with me, for fear, my DIL would find out and she would do the same thing to them....so, they stay away...not to mention, I am friends with his father, but his step mother is just like my DIL...very cruel woman...evil...she will do and say anything to hurt you....yanno, my girlfriend asked me once a long time ago..."Are you sure, those two aren't in this together?" I wouldn't be surprised....however, my DIL has expressed to me, that she really doesn't care for my son's step mother on several occassions....
I think my son's father has a soft place in his heart for me...me, I love him like a brother, nothing more, and the same of him for me, however, his wife always was so jealous of me, and did all she could to start trouble....I remember once, right after they were married, they returned my son...and we sat there talking, her face got fire red, and my husband said after they left..."Mark my words, that woman is going to be trouble". And men don't usually say things like that...well, man oh man was he right....
but my son calls her mom??????
I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't ever feel jealous about it, more so, very very hurt....???? Makes me feel like I'm not or ever will be, good enough to be his mother.
Creme,
You're a good, warm, loving person! You did your best with your son, and by your son, and there's nothing more anyone can give than their best.
You always give very good advice. It's like take a penny, leave a penny. We are having problems come to a head right now and I can't yet muster the strength to face it enough to write them out. But when I do, I am comforted knowing I'll get understanding, and insight from my virtual MILs. Thank you for being you, Creme!
Creme you really are a nice person. I'm sure that you are dealing with a young woman who is insecure and jealous of you. The only way to get on her good side is if she felt more important to you like you were beneath her or something. I know I've seen this over and over in my life. Insecure people can't stand people who are successful and happy. It's a major threat to them. And I'm talking about anyone, not just IL's.
But I'm so sorry she didn't this to you. But you know what? I don't think I'd say a word about it or anyone who might tell DIL because if she knows this hurt you then that may make her feel more powerful etc.. Maybe she wants you to feel badly. See maybe she doesn't feel threatened by the FIL because there's none of that female competition going on. And then you're like, dang I just want to be freinds/family, I don't want some stupid competition going on! That's exactly how I felt about my IL's but they apparently felt competitive with me instead for DH's affections. DH has this really awesome aunt that I adore. Everytime she sees me she smiles real big and hugs me real close and then starts asking me how I"ve been doing etc.. Just an awesome woman. I can tell you I don't feel a drop of jealously or competion from this great lady. She's interested in me and wants to know why I didn't come down last time they all got to together. And DH said she asks about me everytime if I don't go. My IL's on the other hand, it's like I don't even exist. When we visit they talk to DH only and when DH talks to them on the phone, they NEVER ask about me. When my dad passed they never acknowledged his death. No words, no card, nothing. And then to top it all of they are critical of my life choices and curl their lip up of anything I do that they don't approve of.
.
Quote from: cremebrulee on February 04, 2010, 08:26:38 AM
I can't speak with his father, they fear any connection with me, for fear, my DIL would find out and she would do the same thing to them....so, they stay away...not to mention, I am friends with his father, but his step mother is just like my DIL...very cruel woman...evil...she will do and say anything to hurt you....yanno, my girlfriend asked me once a long time ago..."Are you sure, those two aren't in this together?" I wouldn't be surprised....however, my DIL has expressed to me, that she really doesn't care for my son's step mother on several occassions....
I think my son's father has a soft place in his heart for me...me, I love him like a brother, nothing more, and the same of him for me, however, his wife always was so jealous of me, and did all she could to start trouble....I remember once, right after they were married, they returned my son...and we sat there talking, her face got fire red, and my husband said after they left..."Mark my words, that woman is going to be trouble". And men don't usually say things like that...well, man oh man was he right....
but my son calls her mom??????
I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't ever feel jealous about it, more so, very very hurt....???? Makes me feel like I'm not or ever will be, good enough to be his mother.
Creme, your DIL has reason not to like her step-mother. She obviously wants to be the only woman alive to your son. She seems to have already studied you and found ways to hurt you deeply and keep you at bay. I believe the step-mother will be next in line, even though they may share the same twisted mind. Your son must call her mom, and most likely does at her insistance.
I'm just sorry you are being so hurt by someone who you really loved so much and were so excited about. That's sad in itself, that someone would be jealous or insecure about their husband's mother who feels that way toward them. I hope you take care of you. I'm sure you do, but I really hope you can understand what a wonderful mother you were and still are. AND - I believe loved dearly by your son. You just may not be aware how much. You have a connection that can't be broken, like I stated before. You are going to be his mother even after you leave him here!
Hi there, and thanks so much for your kindness and input...I wish that worked...tried doing that for awhile, but DIL was intent on getting me out of they're lives...I believe sincerely she was pushing my buttons on purpose...and no, I won't say anything, I've vowed off of talking to my son about this years ago...when I tried to discuss things with him, he took it as if I were berating her, instead of her hurting my feelings, and would always excuse her actions, no matter what the situation...
I wish what you suggested would have worked...but, she would never allow me in they're lives....ever....
What I really think happened is, before they were married, my son and all his friends talked about me, b/c they were always at the house, and they had me in common....some of them still come around with they're kids now. LOL
Immediately after they were married, she started getting really strange, and did really weird things...abnormal things...off the wall things...but when he was around, she acted very nice to me. She even goes to church. They took me to they're church last visit, and she printed off some information for me, from they're church, in front of him...but when he wasn't around, she'd snap at me, or not even talk...just to let me know I wasn't welcome, and me, I didn't get it? I thought she was just moody...sheesh?
But thanks so much for the idea....she has now, vowed off of me forever....I sent her a birthday card with a money gift, and she sent it back....this is the same woman, who asked my son, if she should call me....yeah right?
She is such a good actress....
it's so frustrating....but yanno, I really don't care any more if she knows I'm hurt or not...
anyone who would do these things to another human being seriously has problems....
but your right, the time she got up and walked out of my apartment, and my son came back afterwards to talk to me, his father told me, he never knew anything happened, as she was literally walking around they're house humming...how sick is that?
Quotecocobars
Creme, your DIL has reason not to like her step-mother. She obviously wants to be the only woman alive to your son. She seems to have already studied you and found ways to hurt you deeply and keep you at bay. I believe the step-mother will be next in line, even though they may share the same twisted mind. Your son must call her mom, and most likely does at her insistance.
No , I think your wrong, b/c my son's father is always by her side...in other words, if I'd have had a husband with me, she would have not treated me like this..there would have been a witness...plus, if she started in on my son's step mother, she (the step mother) would go off on her...big time...plus, there is a huge inheritence coming from them someday, and I don't believe she'd bite off the hand that feeds her...you see, my son's father, and grand parents are very well to do...
However, ya never know? My son's step mother can really push your buttons...she says the most insulting and hurtful things, my DIL is more quiet about it...much more sutble...unless there is no one else around....but I often thought, those two would really lock horns...however, b/c of the way she was with me, I'm thinking, she's definately walking on egg shells for my son's father's sake and will keep her mouth shut? My son, also likes the idea of having a family, he has two stepbrothers and a step sister, they all have families now, and he enjoys that...I can't give him that....so, I guess he enjoys playing house with them...and the fact that my DIL pulls him in that direction....also, they always stay with his father when they do come home, and if my DIL started playing evil games with them, the entire family would go against her, as it is now, they tollerate her, I was told that none of them can stand being around her for more then 3 days...even the step mom....
LOL! Sounds like Peyton Place!!
You may have an interesting future episode to see! LOL!
By the way Creme, I understand what you're seeing with them. My daughter has the same "money" situation with her father (my ex). And yes, it hurts...
Quote from: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 11:42:45 AM
By the way Creme, I understand what you're seeing with them. My daughter has the same "money" situation with her father (my ex). And yes, it hurts...
Oh by God it does....but hey? Whatcha gonna do
Nothing you can do... It's not a reflection of our mothering. I've had three years to figure that out, and three years to let go and give up. When my daughter is ready, she'll be back.
I just don't think anyone, no matter who they are can take your children away from you. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think those ties are there for life.
Quote from: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 11:47:59 AM
Nothing you can do... It's not a reflection of our mothering. I've had three years to figure that out, and three years to let go and give up. When my daughter is ready, she'll be back.
I just don't think anyone, no matter who they are can take your children away from you. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think those ties are there for life.
Well, when she comes back, and she will, they say Daughters always do...I wish you the closest most loving relationship....ever!
Thank you creme. It was before.. :'(
Somehow I don't think you've seen the last of your son or GD. Your DIL sounds absolutely nuts and there's only so much of that any many can live with... I know you wouldn't wish divorce on them, but long term counselling? You just never know and I know you're hurt beyond words and so frustrated. Just try not to stop dreaming.
Coco
Thank you for the very nice words you've written!
Sassy, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't so true. You amaze me at the compassion you show us! I find it hard to believe anyone would have a problem with you. I could only wish my own DIL (or even SIL for that matter) was putting the effort into understanding that I have noticed from you! You are truly amazing and we are lucky to have you on this site!
I'm such an airhead with words. It's nice to see others who put them in such neat places, so that they don't come out all jumbled like mine are alot of the time! ;D
Quote removed.
Oh Renny, that's awful. I think Creme hit it right on the head today on another thread when she explained that there was "NO ONE" there to back her up. She (and I) have no husband's. Something in me made my hair stand on end when I read that. There is truth in her words. It's sad, but it hit me hard...
Quote from: cremebrulee on February 04, 2010, 08:13:03 AM
Quote from: Sassy on February 04, 2010, 07:32:56 AM
I wonder, if there was somethings that I did while my son was growing up that he hates me for? I just cannot seem to fathom that he does this...plus, he calls the step mother mom, the one who used to beat him up verbally and physically????? I don't expect him to hate her, and I could even understand more if I were dead, but for him to gravitate more towards her, is very painful....
Honestly, I don't ever believe I'll get over this...I'm good for awhile, then something happens, and it tears ya up....
I don't know, I come into this website, wanting so badly to help others, help them understand, and give them advice, and I just don't feel like I should be doing that...I feel so weak now...so wrong and like a bad person...yanno?
Thanks so much for your support....
Love
Creme
Creme, we are all with you! I hope you understand. We feel the same way or we wouldn't be here. You can't let someone make you out to be a bad person, when you don't even know what you've done. That's when it's their problem, it's about them - not you!
I do believe this with all my heart and I've done that soul searching you're talking about. You can't dwell on it though. It's going to come up and bite you occasionally because you are so loving and caring. You can't help that, but to let someone make you feel bad for nothing? Please look in the mirror. Look into your eyes and tell us what you see? Only you know yourself and you can't let someone (with motives) tell you what kind of person you are. You are the only one who knows your heart.
I'm not very good with advice. My wording gets in my way. What I am good with is truth! I may not say the right words, but I have a gift for truth. And I believe I have seen your heart, and all it's good!
We all make mistakes as parents. My name isn't "God" and it never will be. From what you say about your son's old friends? Call them and ask them what they see.
I hope you do...
I know alot of the time I sound corny. I don't really care because it's truth to me. You just can't knock the truth and nobody can take "truth" from you. Creme, you are such a good woman and it doesn't take a "husband" for you to see that! Get out that mirror please, and call your sons old friends for a drink and a dinner.
You need to hear this...
Creme,
My heart goes out to you. I too found out about three months after the fact that DS, DIL and GD came to her parents' house last Easter and didn't stop by to see us, I was so hurt. I couldn't believe my son could do that to us, we didn't see our DS and GD for 6 months, then this past October he and GD came to spend a weekend with us, since then, things have been changing little by little. We can tell that he has missed us and is trying to make up for lost time. The three of them came to spend Thanksgiving with us, then again the day after Christmas and are coming this weekend to visit, also he asked me if in two weeks we can go and babysit our GD for the first time since she was born (1 1/2 yrs. ago) on Saturday. Our DIL still doesn't say much to us but at least it seems like DS is taking steps in the right direction. I don't want to get my hopes too high and it is nerve wrecking for me everytime we get together because I feel like we have to walk on eggshells.
So happy for you!!
Hi guest1. I've seen you reading, but this is the first post I've noticed, so welcome! It's too bad we almost "hold our breath" around our children. When you have such a special GC and all you want to do is go pour some love in their direction! I hope all goes well this weekend and those egg-shells don't get caught up in your shoes for long. I don't know whether to congratulate you or tell you to watch your step here.
I guess you will have to see that this weekend. When you get back keep us posted. There are alot of very large hearts here waiting for you. Don't you forget that!
P.S.- we love good news too!
Quote from: renny97 on February 04, 2010, 04:41:04 PM
Creme, I'll share a similar hurt. Within a week of first GC being born, I went over to their house and son said wife had gone to her mother's 40 miles away! (She knew I was on the way over). Meanwhile, I live about 10 miles away. Okay, this is odd.
I thought they might need some time to be alone with the baby and didn't want to be too pushy. So, each time I would go over the wife was packing up the baby and I barely got a chance to see the baby.
After several other attempts, I knew I was getting the runaround and told my mother (now deceased). She had son come over and told him I would like to see the baby. Son said he no idea (sigh) that it had got this bad. I was in tears. But thinking back, that is what we needed, a third party, (our family) to clear it up. My mother and son were very close. She was very aware of DIL and her family's tactics. I had an ally. She would confront the situation in a nonconfrontational way. She had a natural way with her grandson.
This guilt thing that in-laws induce even went to my mother. She was in tears and wondered if SHE had caused her grandson to be with someone who treated him poorly (her words). She was sad he didn't see his wife's ways. So, it wasn't just a "mother thing."
She even said when younger that if she ever had grandkids she would keep them from her parents (she was mad at her father) and they would never see them. Well, it looks like that turned out to be me. But, simply that she could make a comment like that at all, was a red flag.
Oh the memories, uh? Oh Dear Son....
After I tell him about DIL's threats, I will be done with her family. What an insecure mess. Adults? He will come over or it won't be. He married, not me. He accepts terms of agreement. Me, not so much.
Sorry, for him it has gone so far.
Our kids can hurts us, without even trying.
Renny, hi and good moring. ;D
Thanks for sharing...although very sad...I'm just really worried for you, I hope son really opens his eyes and doesn't estrange from you...
My mother (foster mother) knew about my DIL as well, and what she was doing. Once, in 12 years, she agreed to allow my son, GD and her to come to a family dinner. My DIL didn't speak to anyone....she is so antisocial...aloof...others have said the same thing....especially some of my son's friends...
Anyway, my mother wanted so badly to talk to my son, but I refused to allow her to...I kept telling her, that all he'll do is make excuses for my DIL's behavior...and she'll end up being more upset....and she felt the same way as your mother...
She is gone also, and I miss her extremely...she was my confident and best friend...
Hugs to ya sista....
Quote from: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 04:55:14 PM
Quote from: renny97 on February 04, 2010, 04:41:04 PM
Creme, I'll share a similar hurt. Within a week of first GC being born, I went over to their house and son said wife had gone to her mother's 40 miles away! (She knew I was on the way over). Meanwhile, I live about 10 miles away. Okay, this is odd.
I thought they might need some time to be alone with the baby and didn't want to be too pushy. So, each time I would go over the wife was packing up the baby and I barely got a chance to see the baby.
After several other attempts, I knew I was getting the runaround and told my mother (now deceased). She had son come over and told him I would like to see the baby. Son said he no idea (sigh) that it had got this bad. I was in tears. But thinking back, that is what we needed, a third party, (our family) to clear it up. My mother and son were very close. She was very aware of DIL and her family's tactics. I had an ally. She would confront the situation in a nonconfrontational way. She had a natural way with her grandson.
This guilt thing that in-laws induce even went to my mother. She was in tears and wondered if SHE had caused her grandson to be with someone who treated him poorly (her words). She was sad he didn't see his wife's ways. So, it wasn't just a "mother thing."
She even said when younger that if she ever had grandkids she would keep them from her parents (she was mad at her father) and they would never see them. Well, it looks like that turned out to be me. But, simply that she could make a comment like that at all, was a red flag.
Oh the memories, uh? Oh Dear Son....
After I tell him about DIL's threats, I will be done with her family. What an insecure mess. Adults? He will come over or it won't be. He married, not me. He accepts terms of agreement. Me, not so much.
Sorry, for him it has gone so far.
Our kids can hurts us, without even trying.
Oh Renny, that's awful. I think Creme hit it right on the head today on another thread when she explained that there was "NO ONE" there to back her up. She (and I) have no husband's. Something in me made my hair stand on end when I read that. There is truth in her words. It's sad, but it hit me hard...
yes, it's true coco, if I had had a husband, none of this would have happened, oh, she'd still be aloof and unkind, but subtley...b/c she wouldn't pull that stuff in front of my husband...she'd be afraid to...
also, my DIL doesn't want to work...she's proven that, she wants to be taken care of like some Princess...therefore, she won't start anything with my son's father, as there is an awful lot of money there to be inherited...she knew that when she married my son...she wants someone who thinks, they have to give her, her every whim, so she can get what she wants, and by the way, she coaches her daughter do plead and beg, saying, It's all I want dad...and he of course, gives in, which is his cross to bear. I swear men are so stupid...
Quote from: guest1 on February 04, 2010, 05:59:47 PM
Creme,
My heart goes out to you. I too found out about three months after the fact that DS, DIL and GD came to her parents' house last Easter and didn't stop by to see us, I was so hurt. I couldn't believe my son could do that to us, we didn't see our DS and GD for 6 months, then this past October he and GD came to spend a weekend with us, since then, things have been changing little by little. We can tell that he has missed us and is trying to make up for lost time. The three of them came to spend Thanksgiving with us, then again the day after Christmas and are coming this weekend to visit, also he asked me if in two weeks we can go and babysit our GD for the first time since she was born (1 1/2 yrs. ago) on Saturday. Our DIL still doesn't say much to us but at least it seems like DS is taking steps in the right direction. I don't want to get my hopes too high and it is nerve wrecking for me everytime we get together because I feel like we have to walk on eggshells.
I'm so so sorry this is happening to you as well....but doesn't it speak volumns about how fearful our sons are of they're wives...I mean, think about it...he is willing to break the bonds between us, and allow his wife to persuade him to not bring your Grand child to see you...I mean, can you imagine, how torn, depresssed and angry your son must be...talk about being caught in the middle...huh? But to acutally be willing to do that, dictates to me, that his wife, your DIL, my DIL, must be very bad...meaning, she would be horrible to live with if he came around with GD. And think about this...so so many people have told me that, a woman who keeps her Children from they're Grand parents are very brutally angry...hostile, and living with hate in her heart...can you imagine to hate that much? They want to hurt us purposely, I mean, how hateful can you be to do that. When I was down there visiting on my last trip...most DIL's would want you to spend time with they're child..not mine, she kept bugging me, every single time we got in the car...she wanted to sit in the back with my GD...and yanno, it wasn't just when we got in the car, but when we came back out from somewhere to go home...can you imagine being that territorial....that was the first time I saw my GD in over a year...? I should have said, "actually, I paid to come down here to visit, and would like to be with GD as much as possible...can you allow me a little time with her?"...but I didn't, I gave in and left her sit in the back with GD....
These women are incredible?
As far as my son is concerned, I don't know if your right...and the hurt is so deep....they were home together twice that I know of, in the past 4 years, and they didn't come by with GD....yes, I had cut them off, but my son knows me, and I wouldn't slam the door in his face...I don't know, if she knew I cut them off or not? But, they never came around...
This part of your story I don't understand. You cut them off, but would expect your daughter in law to bring your grandchild over? Or was the cut off earlier and over. I'm sorry - I'm just trying to understand. I am sorry for your heartache.
the cut off was earlier and over, and have been over for approx. 2 years...and during that cut off, she went to my son and asked, "Shall I call your mom?" But she never did....she was simply pretending to be concerned to him....if she wanted to call me, she would have a long time ago...without having to ask his permission...to do so...I would have welcomed any call and any attempt to resolve this issue...
Can you call her, just a brief hello, without getting into anything? I don't know your history - would you be able to reestablish contact? I really hope your family can be reconciled.
Quote from: Meryl on February 05, 2010, 06:22:54 AM
Can you call her, just a brief hello, without getting into anything? I don't know your history - would you be able to reestablish contact? I really hope your family can be reconciled.
Thanks Meryl for the kind thoughts, but, 7 years ago, my DIL yelled at me on the phone, that I never call her, or, that when I call my son, I never ask to talk to her...Well, honestly, I didn't think she wanted me to, the way she treated me...so, I started calling her....and for years, I'd call and call, and left messages ( I don't believe in hanging up and not leaving a message) well, she has a cell phone, and not once, in 7 years, did she pick up the phone and answer it, or return my calls, unless I had said something to my son...then, she'd call me right back as soon as he said something to her....it was a game, and after all that has happened, even though your intentions are good, I have no desire to try anymore, I just have nothing left to give her....and if my son estranges me eventually, so be it...I will not be a victim any longer....or have her suck me dry emotionally....any longer...she has just to much to say, and she's been very rude and play acting when my son is or isn't within earshot.
I'm sorry Creme Brulee - I hope that you are able to fill your life with other fulfilling things.
I do know as a younger woman I blamed my MIL for our relationship; I did grow up and realize I wanted something she was just not able to give. I realized I couldn't change her, I could only change me and my expectations. It wasn't her it was me. She was who she always was. I feel much better about her now and we enjoy a nice relationship.
I hope your DIL grows up too.
Quote from: Meryl on February 05, 2010, 06:33:56 AM
I'm sorry Creme Brulee - I hope that you are able to fill your life with other fulfilling things.
I do know as a younger woman I blamed my MIL for our relationship; I did grow up and realize I wanted something she was just not able to give. I realized I couldn't change her, I could only change me and my expectations. It wasn't her it was me. She was who she always was. I feel much better about her now and we enjoy a nice relationship.
I hope your DIL grows up too.
It is women like you, who make it all worthwhile....the same thing happened with me and my MIL...she was a great woman....but I was young, immature and surely so unaware...I love her to this day...did she have faults, yes, of course...but so did I and still do...and we will forever make mistakes....
Love to you...and I mean that...thank you