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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Mistie on August 28, 2009, 07:16:04 PM

Title: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Mistie on August 28, 2009, 07:16:04 PM
For some reason, my daughter in law does not like me.  When I first met her she told me how her and her mother do not have a good relationship.  My son and I have always had a good relationship, we have had our struggles but we love each other.
Since my son was involved with my DIL I rarely saw him....she would take out her blackberry and said she would try and fit me in.  I was hurt by this but my son was in love.  I cried once when they came over because I was hurt by not seeing them but a few, very few times.
In a year they were engaged, married, bought a house and had a child.  The wedding was a disaster.  I, at first tried to be involved but she didn't want me involved in any way.  I asked my son why and he said they were just going to do the wedding.  I had to let that go too.   So it came time to buy a dress.  i talked to her about this but no response.  My friend and I went around to several shops and I finally bought an outfit I thought would be nice.  Fly away pants, top and sheer jacket...mother in lawish...it was champagne color.
Well I emailed my future DIL and she told me she would prefer me not wear that color.  I bought the outfit on sale and could not return it.  She said nothing.
I wore the outfit to the wedding and you would have thought i committed murder.  I was treated horribly at the wedding and when I hugged her she pushed me away and said you are my MOTHER   I N  L A WWW. 
I tried to be kind to her to no avail. 
After the wedding neither my son or my DIL spoke to me for almost a year.  In the meantime she became pregnant.  FINALLY my son and I started to speak.  We aired everything out and came to an understanding which meant both of us change.  My DIL was not interested in repairing our relationship so my son agreed to meet once a month for dinner.  I always told him that his wife could come at any time and I would be happy to have her.  My son told her of this arrangement which cause problems with them so we stopped.  I understood to a degree. 
I told my son that I was planning on retiring from teaching this year so he is concerned about that which I have totally assured him that I would be fine.
Well they have had the baby.  Although I have seen the baby twice (he's two months old) she has made it clear that I am not welcomed to come more often.  The last time I was there was for about 2 hours in which time she fixed lunch for herself, offered my son lunch a few times and didn't offer me anything.  The previous time I was there I brought a complete dinnner so she wouldn't have to cook.  I bring her gifts and treat her with as much kindness as she will accept.
I just found out that my son's step mother has had the baby twice over night since his birth.  It really hurts me to hear this as his father and his step mother were rarely in my son's life growing up.  I feel so cheated, so hurt and so sad.  I have no other children and this will most likely be my only grandchild.
My son is trying to talk to her about this but it causes fights between them.  Lately my son and I have been talking alot, not just about this but about a lot of things.  I hate to think of how hurt he must be too.  I value my relationship with my son and don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.
I will do whatever it takes to repair this damage, but I have no clue why my daughter in law hates me.  She wrote me a letter telling me virtually what a "butch" I was and I have no clue where this comes from except maybe from my son's step mother, who by the way never had children.
I will continue to be cordial to both of them as it is not my nature to be mean, vindictive or mouthy but I am not willing to be a whipping post.
Any suggestions??

















Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Prissy on August 28, 2009, 07:31:00 PM
Dear mistie,
I can't help but write because this is such a prevalent problem. When you said the dress was "beige", I thought "for goodness sake, how much more could you do to comply with her wishes"  You know the old saying for an mil: wear beige and shut up.

Just know that you are in the company of a huge crowd of people who have had the same thing happen to them.  I'm so sorry....I think your son knows how hard this is for you.

Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Mistie on August 28, 2009, 07:43:39 PM
I just wish this can be repaired!
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: just2baccepted on August 28, 2009, 10:43:04 PM
Mistie - I first want to say how sorry I am for your pain.  I know that must be awful.  But Prissy is right your story is really no different than many of the MIL's on this site (I'm a DIL with difficult MIL and FIL).  I came to this site to find reasons why my inlaws are so rejectful and then I read all these similar stories about DIL's who are doing the same thing!!  Its just that the roles are reversed.

When I got married 12 years ago what my future MIL wore never even crossed my mind.  It seems like she a wore a dark blue dress or something.

It's hard to comment on something with small info but I'm wondering if your DIL is suffering from jealously and insecurity that has spiraled out of control.  I hate to say it but your DIL can't be more clearer, she doesn't want you in their life.  And it sounds like she is trying to push you out.  I'm beginning to wonder how common this is.

I just keep thinking if I were in your shoes that I would get my son off to the side and tell him the truth about how much this hurts you and what can we do to rectify it.  I know this is easier said than done because I'm sure your son is at a loss as to why his wife acts so unreasonable.  I think that was a good idea to try to maintain a relationship with him even without her but she pitched a fit and the poor guy had to stop seeing you. I mean really what else can you do except maybe try counseling or even ask your son at some point to do go to counseling with you.  Sometimes a third party might be able to help him see how wrong this is.  I realize the he has to live with her but your his mom and I assume you were a good mom and he loves you.

Please don't give up.  I'm glad you found this site because you are going to meet many women who are going through what you are.  As always you will be added to my prayer list.  :)
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 02:47:36 PM
The thing that is so painful in this situation, it seems to me, is how torn a son can be. He picked the woman and established a new family unit. We all know she is his first priority. But then, it's all downhill from there. In this instance, he is going to be punished for loving his mom until he breaks...and breaks it off with his family of origin.

The unwitting MILs who find themselves in this position think they can do something. They hang on and try and hope and try some more and can't see why their efforts aren't at least seen, if not rewarded. It doesn't work. They are the enemy. It's set in granite and at the most basic level, it has nothing to do with them. It's a pathology.

Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 29, 2009, 05:11:38 PM
 

First off, welcome Mistie.  :)

I can't imagine your son not speaking to you for sooo long.  What was his reason? 
   I can understand why some grandparents barge in at the young couple's home to see the baby, sometimes.  This is one reason I can so understand.  It's not fair.  What she is doing.
  Sounds to me like the step mother gained control somehow.  Probably by lies, gossip, etc.  Why would DIL be so friendly with the step mother anyway--what is she going to gain by it, cash? 
  Have you come right out and asked her what is going on??  What was the reason behind the letter calling you a *itch?  I don't get it. 
   But that baby is your son's as well.  It's time he grew up.  Sorry.  I have a weenie of a son that let's his wife and her mother control everything.
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 06:13:12 PM
Yeah, I didn't get the stepmother thing either. I don't doubt it...I just don't see why she would go that route. I would probably have expected something like, "you hate one MIL, you hate 'em all."
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 30, 2009, 08:42:31 AM
Not to turn this into MY story...but Mistie I have so much in common with you, makes me head spinny.    DIL to be calls me about a couple a months before the wedding and mentions something about a spa thing on the day of.  Time, place, etc.  I was shocked!  Me?  You want me to go?  Some old bat of a woman to be around you?  I was stunned.  I was nervous.  I am not sure why.
   I was imagining cuke slices on our eyes, laying on the massage tables, hot rock/oil message, etc.  I am thinking to myself I gotta find some more moneY!! 
    Then, I ask about dress of MOG - me.  Color?  Style?  Etc.  She said she and her mom went to the ABC Dress Shop in AnyTown, USA and I could go there.  She gave me the address and said bye.  ok.  well, it was the wrong address and boy it would have been nice to go with those two - it was before any true mean was felt.  But I missed it.  Was never called.  Oh well.
  Found a nice beigey goldish fitted jacket with a long skirt that looked awesome for the church.  And a great looking dark dress for reception.  Just happened to be the same darn color MOB had on.  At least my shoes, hair, oh well EVERYTHING, looked better on ME!!
   The hair thing that day?  Daughter and I left in tears with burns from appliances.  It was just a hairdo-pay for yourself thing.  We are both highlighted.  The appliances were set to kill.
  We told this strange stylist *exclusive to the only two blondes -- US* TO PLEASE TURN THE DRYER/IRONS DOWN.  She threw them down, claimed she couldn't work on "those" women and left in a huff!  Nice.  Hey thanks.  First time in my 45 or so years that has EVER happened to me.  Once slightly burned by chemical dripping.  Never by a hair dryer.
   Bridey's mom felt I had a bad attitude that day and was set on not enjoying myself.  (I found this on the hair salon's reviews that MOB made about us) What the heck??  Not one of them asked why we were crying, although they did watch as she burned us over and over.  We left.  I never screamed.  yelled.  just quietly left in shock to go do my hair which smelled burnt.  My daughter had a dime size layer of skin hanging off the back of her scalp.
  It was because of them feeling I didn't want to be there?  We deserved this?  Why? 
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Prissy on August 30, 2009, 09:02:42 AM
is it too late for you to report this salon?  You need to.  This is scandalous; others need to be warned.
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 30, 2009, 11:20:00 AM
Sheesh I wanted to.  I should have called the police, made out a report of assault, showed the officer the broken skin--pics? and took dd to the ER for a tetanus booster and meds. 

   But nooooo.  That would have meant we miss the wedding.  The salon was owned/managed by a good friend of bridey.  I was amazed no one jumped out of chair to see why we were leaving?  Not one word?  Not a good bye?  hey see ya later?  I got the feeling it was an ambush at this point.  The one thing monster of bridey wanted was to see us eliminated all together.
   
  You know, I was just rinsing dishes and the thought just popped into my head after I posted the above.  THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME EVER BRIDEY CONTACTED ME WITH INFORMATION.  IN FACT IT WAS THE ONLY INVITE I RECEIVED PERSONALLY BY BRIDEY. IT WAS THE ONLY THING, I WAS INVITED TO!!! THE BRIDAL Mil/Sil HAIR BURN Party.  Only time.  Ever.  I usually got bits and pieces from dd off my computer.  That is how bridey let her soon to be sister in law know of plans.  Computer.  My dd was living with her new dh and they HAD NO computer.  DD had to come to my house after work, check on "plans" and then go home to dh.  Unbelievable.  Mean spirited.  But I at least got one phone call.  My dd never received one.
   Silly me.  At one point I thought we were on the A list.  I mean hey, we're with the Groom.  WRONG!!!
   The son of the father that Bridey's mother was dating had a better table at reception:  his was closer to main table of bride/groom.  Mine was behind his next to speakers of dj told to play music loudly.  He even told a couple guests.  It is a desire that the music be played loudly.  My table was centered by the speakers.  Couldn't even see the main table.  Have hearing issues today.  :( 
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: luise.volta on August 30, 2009, 03:14:27 PM
This one blows my circuits. It was so contrived and vicious! Unconscionable! My heart goes out to you, H/D. And to not care that your daughter was hurt as well...horrible!
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Mistie on August 30, 2009, 09:26:25 PM
Today was tough.  I went to a concert with friends near where my DIL and son live.  I stayed the night and the next day I dropped off a hand made gift from a wood crafter I met in NC.  I stopped and bought the baby a couple of cute toys while I browsed some stores.
I left a note and put the things on their porch.  They weren't home.  My heart is broken.  I can't help harboring resentment for my son's step mother because next month when I go to a gathering next month, I know it will be shoved in my face by her.  I will NOT play their game. 
I am trying my best to stay POSITIVE. 
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Prissy on August 30, 2009, 09:38:02 PM
Mistie,
Today was tough for me too....I'm sending good wishes to you.  I don't know sometimes if I can even go on.  It doesn't seem worth it to me anymore.  I'm so tired of trying to figure this out.  Just thrown away like I'm nothing.
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: just2baccepted on August 30, 2009, 10:19:18 PM
Prissy said: Just thrown away like I'm nothing

Prissy I'm sure your DIL would have done this to any guys mother that she married.  Please Please don't take it personal.  I'm glad that you have other special people in your life.  Maybe you could try to concentrate on them.  I'll bet that you have many good attributes to offer to a healthy person.

Mistie- I am so sorry for you and I'm also glad that you have friends and people to hang with.

You know my hubby and I just got back a couple hours ago from our neighbors house.  They are the sweetest couple.  They are in their 60's and 70's and the husband had to have a 4 chamber heart bypass a few days ago.  They said he was days away from having a heart attack.  We live in small town and they run "the town's furniture store" and they have given us a good deal on some of our furniture.  Anyway the point I was trying to make is when I left there I thought, man do I have a lot to be thankful for.  Even though my family life may not be what I want, I just felt so thankful.  I mean he is probably going to be ok and will be better in about six weeks.  But he really looked bad and you could tell that took a toll on him.  I guess it affected me a little because I think so much of them.  Why can't my in-laws be as sweet as my neighbors, maybe they'll be willing to adopt hubby and me??
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 31, 2009, 07:12:55 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on August 30, 2009, 03:14:27 PM
This one blows my circuits. It was so contrived and vicious! Unconscionable! My heart goes out to you, H/D. And to not care that your daughter was hurt as well...horrible!
Thank you luise. ♥♥♥ It was quite the two years lemme tell ya.
Now, I wish I had been the loudest, whiniest, "gimme" one there.  For at least I would have gotten something out of the deal!  LOL.  Really.  Maybe she wasn't ready to have someone in her life that accepted her as she was.  No predetermined exaggerated expectations.  She could just be.
  Perhaps my willingness to take the back seat seemed to be lack of interest to her?  I don't know.  I would ask when they came over.  I did ask questions.  I always got:  Shrug of the shoulders and..."I don't know."
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 31, 2009, 07:15:39 AM
Quote from: Mistie on August 30, 2009, 09:26:25 PM
Today was tough.  I went to a concert with friends near where my DIL and son live.  I stayed the night and the next day I dropped off a hand made gift from a wood crafter I met in NC.  I stopped and bought the baby a couple of cute toys while I browsed some stores.
I left a note and put the things on their porch.  They weren't home.  My heart is broken.  I can't help harboring resentment for my son's step mother because next month when I go to a gathering next month, I know it will be shoved in my face by her.  I will NOT play their game. 
I am trying my best to stay POSITIVE.
I really think this is best.  To stay positive.  Your heart is in the right place.  But there is nothing that says you can't let them know every now and then that you wish you could be in their lives.  Stay strong. 
  I am praying for you. 
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Mistie on September 05, 2009, 05:46:50 AM
I feel like giving it all up.  I can retire this year and I should just move out of state and be done with this.  I asked to see my grandson for half an hour and was turned down.  My son's step mother gets to see him every weekend.  I have been nothing but nice but this definitely hurts way too much.  I think its just best to leave and not be involved.  I can't do this anymore.
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Prissy on September 05, 2009, 06:33:51 AM
Dear Mistie,
I was reading your initial posting where you wore the beige dress to the wedding.  Can you think of anything that was said or done before the dress incident? Or, did that do it?

As Luise has said so many times, this can be "cutting the son from the herd" (really paraphrasing here!!)  I don't know if this is right in your case but it could be.

I know how heartbreaking it is...it's the death without the funeral.  Even more heartbreaking is that the son acquiesces and according to the DILs, doesn't seem to care one way or the other.

The DILs say that it's their husbands in most cases who can't be bothered. My question to myself and other hurting MILs is what the heck happened?  It has to be the dynamic between the MIL and DIL. It ofen can't be explained.

When I had only Luise's other website to post on, there were so many MILs on it with this same situation.  We found such comfort there that Luise's son, son, bless him! built this site for us to speak.  Bless you dear Kirk!!

When you get years into it, maybe the grief will leave and peace will come because acceptance has set in.  That's kind of where I am, although I go between the two with lightening speed!

Do you have other kids, Mistie? I hope so! 

One other thing, precious Just2be said, "your DIL would be this way to ANYONE"  That helped me so much!  When your DIL was flipping through her Blackberry while you were speaking to her, I wonder if she would have done that to anyone?  Could be.  Could be that that is just the way she is.

I have learned that most things are about them, not us.  That is a hard pill to swallow since it's our job to make her happy enough to let us into their lives.  If she's not happy, we can't be apart of their lives.

Let us know..... ♥  (Happydays' trademark heart!)




Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: AnnieB on September 05, 2009, 07:49:36 AM
It certainly is impossible NOT to take this stuff with our DIL's personally.

From all you write, Mistie, it sounds like this has nothing to do with you, it's your DIL's problems.

The good news is, you don't have to do this anymore, but you don't have to move out of state to do that.  You don't have to disown your DIL, you don't have to accept the behavior.  You just have to, for a time anyway, start focusing on your self and let them go for awhile.

You could start by giving yourself a break from contacting them, without telling them you are - you could set a time -- a month, 6 months, a year (or month to month).  And in that time, you could just focus on your self.    (You could still send bday cards and gifts for your gchild - you could set your own 'rules' of contact).   

There's nothing you can do to change your DIL, you can only wear your self thin trying to.

You can spend time thinking about what you want to do to make the other parts of your life as wonderful as possible.   (In my case, I'm working on making sure I have "other parts of my life", lol - as my youngest graduates from hs in 2010, my 42 years as a mom will offically end ...omg)

IMHO the more we focus on the negatives of our situations here (what our DIL did, what our son didn't do, what others should do,  why they did what they did, what you or I coulda, shoulda woulda done etc.), the more we are picking at a wound and not letting it heal.

It is a wound and it hurts -- as Prissy has pointed out, it is like a death -- it's the death of how the relationship was.  We need to mourn that without wearing black in our hearts forever. 

The healthier and happier I make myself, the better I am able to deal with all of this.  My own self work means I need to let them all be and get on with my life, not in revenge, or punishment to myself or to them.

If I change my look at this away from something horrible and personal being done to me by someone or the fates or God (and therefore I somehow deserve it or don't and have to war against it)  to one of the many bad things that happen in people's lives for no personal reason, I find I react to it very differently.

There has always been something positive I've learned, a way my life has turned, due even to the bad things that have happened in my life, if I don't use them as weapons against others or myself.

So, in this situation, I might ask where I am being guided or directed to spend or make use of my time, my energy, where can I give my grandmotherly affection.

That's just what I think -- not so easy to practice it, but I hold onto it-- feels much better to me than my negative helpless self-deprecating feelings!
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Prissy on September 05, 2009, 08:06:18 AM
AnnieB,
I know we come into these new relationships already broken, many times.  That's the case with me, not with everyone but with me.

It becomes impossible not to be heartbroken when we're slighted.  I guess our job is to get over it?  Years and years of patching the heart.  It's harder than anyone could ever imagine.

Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: AnnieB on September 05, 2009, 08:51:45 AM
Quote from: Prissy on September 05, 2009, 08:06:18 AM
I guess our job is to get over it?

I don't think to 'get over it' -- that sounds like we need to 'grow up' or 'get a thick skin'.

There is a learning and loving process going on in life.  I am not at explaining it, but there are many good teachers from many paths -- Luise is one!   
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: luise.volta on September 05, 2009, 09:50:23 AM
What kind words.  :)

Well, maybe it is individualized. Some may get over it...some may get through it...some may transcend it... and some may get stuck in it...to name a few.

I think I learned to accept it...(my son's death and my DILs subsequent attacks.) I don't think I will ever get over it in the true sense or even understand it but I have incorporated it into my life-experience. It's part of the tapestry I am weaving.
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: Sassy on September 09, 2009, 11:53:44 AM
QuoteLately my son and I have been talking alot, not just about this but about a lot of things.  I hate to think of how hurt he must be too.  I value my relationship with my son and don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.

Mistie:  So sorry for the troubles you are having with your son and DIL.  Also sorry for your heartbreak!

Its good you are staying in touch with your son.  Be sure to talk to him about other things and not his wife.  You don't want to make him feel disloyal to her, when he is talking to you.  And you don't want tomake him feel guilty about the ways he has let you down.  Because that will cause more avoidance problems in the end.

Don't worry at all how your son is treating your ex-husband and his new wife, because that is not about you and him.  If you go to a gathering and she is there just hold your head up.  Try to see it as it really is, them having their own separate relationship.  It might be hard not to compare at first.  But there is no comparison, you are all different people. 

It is like people who make more money, or people who are thinner - there is always someone who we can compare ourselves to if we want to make ourselves feel bad about ourselves.  So we learn not to compare.

Although sometimes the less history a person has with someone, the easier it can be, to be around them.  Your son may not feel worry if his step-mother cries, but I think it causes him pain and anxiety when his mother cries.  That is just how it is when someone's your mother.  It could be simpler for him when its not his mother.

Do be careful about dropping things off, so your son and DIL do not feel like it was an unnanounced visit. You meant it as a loving gesture I know.  But even nice surprises can carry a risk when someone is on the fence.

Your grandson is two months old and you've seen him twice.  Once a month is not a lost cause at all.  I think your relationship has hope.  I am so sorry your son and DIL hurt your feelings when they do not offer you food and drink when you do visits.  It is not nice to imagine your son eating a sandwich and not offering you some.  I understand your discomfort.

I do hope you can stay close to your son.  I hope you can talk about good things with him, so that each experience you share together becomes more positive.  The more positive experiences and conversations you have and build on, the more likely he is to keep coming back for more.
Title: Re: How to repair relationship with my DIL
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 10, 2009, 06:16:40 AM
 Any new developments Mistie?  Just wondering.  Hope you are doing well.