I live out of state and was told by my son that once my DIL goes into labor, I need to book a flight to come see the baby. My DIL spoke up and said that I wouldn't be staying at their home. They are in the process of purchasing a 4 bedroom 2 bathroom home. I was so shocked that I did not respond. I was also heartbroken.
It costs money to fly out, rent a car and really do not want to spend the money to stay in a hotel, then try and figure out when I will be allowed to see the baby. I need to tell them both how I am feeling. I had thought of one thing to say to them and it is this: when they feel comfortable having me come out and be able to stay at their home, then I will fly out. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
Hi. Please don't take your DIL's wishes personally. There's another way to look at things, and it's not so hurtful. If this is her first child (and even if it's not), it's quite possible that she has imagined how things would be when she brings the new baby home to the new house for the first time. Maybe she wants to enjoy her new family privately and ease into motherhood on her own. Maybe she's the independent type, or maybe she's insecure, or maybe she's worried that people will interfere too much, or maybe her house isn't in order yet and she doesn't want help. At any rate, she's allowed to make this decision, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or want you to visit.
As a side note, I remember when my first child was born. My dear mother lived nearby but she was still hoping I would want her to stay for a few nights. She wasn't even the bossy type, but yet I said no. I wanted to be in charge of my house and my baby.
Please don't think of it as not being welcome in their house. I have a feeling that after the newness of motherhood wears off, they'll have a guest room in their house ready for you for the next visit. Please, go and visit them, stay in a hotel, don't complain about the expense, let them be in charge, and be the best grandmom possible so that they'll welcome your visits.
How wonderful that your son and DIL want you to visit when their child is born! There are usually so many people around right after the birth that it can be difficult to see the baby, especially if you are staying in a hotel so I understand your disappointment at not being invited to stay at their home. When my first child was born I invited my MIL out for the event. He was her first GC and long awaited (12 years!). My MIL said that she would wait until the hubbub died down to visit. I did not really understand but in retrospect she was very smart! Daughters need their mothers right after they give birth, especially their first time. There are so many questions about their own body changes and so many things that would be difficult to discuss with even a very caring, very close MIL. My MIL visited a couple of weeks later and I got a wonderful extension to the help I got instead of everyone showing up (and leaving) at the same time. Maybe it would do for you to plan your trip for later?
Try not to hold the fact that she does not want you to stay in her home against her. We all know how those hormones can do some strange things when we are pregnant and I have a feeling she is just feeling overwhelmed.
I would tell my son that I couldn't afford both airfare and hotel.. Maybe he will be willing to pay for your hotel room.. If not.. then I would tell him to let me know when he and his wife felt I would be able to stay with them and the I would be happy to come.
Quote from: JoAnna 16 on June 13, 2013, 04:47:11 AM
How wonderful that your son and DIL want you to visit when their child is born! There are usually so many people around right after the birth that it can be difficult to see the baby, especially if you are staying in a hotel so I understand your disappointment at not being invited to stay at their home. When my first child was born I invited my MIL out for the event. He was her first GC and long awaited (12 years!). My MIL said that she would wait until the hubbub died down to visit. I did not really understand but in retrospect she was very smart! Daughters need their mothers right after they give birth, especially their first time. There are so many questions about their own body changes and so many things that would be difficult to discuss with even a very caring, very close MIL. My MIL visited a couple of weeks later and I got a wonderful extension to the help I got instead of everyone showing up (and leaving) at the same time. Maybe it would do for you to plan your trip for later?
Try not to hold the fact that she does not want you to stay in her home against her. We all know how those hormones can do some strange things when we are pregnant and I have a feeling she is just feeling overwhelmed.
I understand what you are saying.. and I am sure this is all very true.. I remember wanting my mother with me after my 1st baby was born too.. yet I don't remember being so incapacitated or hormonal as to not want my husbands mother there. I figured she pretty much understood what it was like to just have a baby too.. she had four of them... You have to understand how hurtful this is to the mother of the father of the child. She feels she is as much a grandmother to that baby as the mother of the DIL.. She is feeling left out of something she has dreamed about.. that being becoming a grandmother. It is not her fault that the child making her a grandmother is a male. Being relagated to the background is hurtful..so is being made to feel like "second string". There is just no way to sugar coat that. She can be as understanding as the day is long, but she is still going to be hurt. She is not looking to interfer or interject her opinions..She is not an outsider or an interloper.. She is just looking to share in the same joy the other grandmother gets. I'm just letting Mary Lee know that many of us know how this feels and that she is not alone in her dissappointment, as well as explain to others how it feels to be the mother of the husband and the emotions that run through our minds.
QuoteIt is not her fault that the child making her a grandmother is a male. Being relegated to the background is hurtful..so is being made to feel like "second string". There is just no way to sugar coat that. She can be as understanding as the day is long, but she is still going to be hurt.
I am the mother of two sons. One of our DIL's (now ex-DIL) "silenced/ignored" us out of their lives (at least, until she left our son and abandoned her children); the other DIL could not be more supportive or compassionate or caring or loving (and this includes her immediate family). That being said - I am not the maternal grandmother; I am "second string" and frankly, grateful and feel blessed. This is the reality of being the paternal grandmother.
I think DS was out of line A) for telling you that you have to get on a plane when DIL is in labor and B) not discussing the visiting arrangements with DIL before speaking with you. We've had this discussion in this forum before: Some people, including me, simply hate having houseguests. I have never, ever, ever had a rude/obnoxious/bad houseguest, but the situation just stresses me out. Nothing anyone can do about it. My mother dropped some pretty strong hints about coming to visit and helping out once the baby arrivedfor each of my kids , but I ignored them. I made arrangements for my parents to visit (and they stayed at a hotel) about a month after each baby was born. I'm sure my mom was disappointed and hurt, but better that disappointment then me trying to put a good face on it and - being sleep-deprived, etc. - totally loosing it and saying some really harsh things in the heat of the moment that could lead to an estrangement.
Since you have to fly in to visit, you have a perfect excuse for a delayed visit - airfare. You usually get cheaper prices two weeks or more out. I don't want to be the voice of doom, but many things can happen during a birth. By waiting til the baby is born and mom and baby are home from the hospital to make plans, you can avoid some bad scenarios.
The funny thing about becoming a grandparent is that while it is a huge event for the grandparent, for the people in charge of the event, i.e., the parents, the grandparents are pretty low on the priority list. When you are recovering from childbirth (surgery if it was a C-section), getting an hour of sleep a night and can barely find time to take a shower, having sympathy for a grandparent who doesn't feel s/he is getting a fair shake can be hard to come by. More likely you decide the grandparent is selfish and needy and not worth your time.
Lots of times - though certainly not all - the paternal grandparents are left feeling second string. Whose fault is that? Is it DIL's job to make grandparenting "fair"? Is it DS's responsibility to make sure his parents get equal time? Is it the maternal grandparents' responsibility to take a step back and suggest a larger role for the other grandparents? Is it the paternal grandparents' job to just get over it? Any of those scenarios could alleviate the situation. Unfortunately, the only scenario the paternal grandparents can control is the last one. Trying to get DIL/DS/other GPs to do the others could lead to a lot more hurt feelings and even estrangements.
It certainly could be that once the baby arrives and DS and DIL have adjusted, you will be a welcome houseguest. I have my fingers crossed for you. If DIL is more of the type to hate houseguests, you may always have to stay at a hotel. Trying to guilt trip her or DS probably won't help matters. For the first visit, tell DS you will make travel arrangements once the baby has arrived. Don't complain about the additional expense of a hotel room. Always keep your eye on the prize - a lifelong relationship with the new family. Please don't put yourself in competition with the other grandmother. Kids don't have a limit on love. Even if the other grandma stays in the house, changes more diapers, prepares more bottles, etc., you can still form your own unique valuable relationship with your grandchildren. GC don't necessarily have favorites. They accept each GP with open arms. GOOD LUCK!
Welcome Mary Lee. When you get a moment, please read the highlighted posts under "Open Me First". It is the rules of the forum and how we flow. Nothing wrong with your post. We ask all new members to do this.
I wouldn't discuss how you are feeling with DS/DIL either. I would simply tell the truth about the financial part by letting them know that between airfare, car rental and hotel, you will have to wait a little longer until you are able to comfortably have the money. I would add that although you would love to be there for the birth, you also know it would probably be easier on them both if you let them get settled in before you visit.
DIL may just be feeling like she doesn't want to entertain houseguests when she gets home. That she wants that time with baby and recovery. Let's face it. Most men wouldn't think nothing of people coming, but normally, they are not the ones having to have everything clean, set-up, etc. And I will be honest. I am much more comfortable with my Mom coming to my house than my MIL, and I get along great with my MIL. If my house is cluttered a bit, or the floors need mopping, it doesn't bother me for my Mom to see it, but when my MIL comes, I want everything in order. And seriously, she has never said anything about my house, it's just my feelings because my Mom is more used to me and I don't want my MIL to think I don't clean my floors.
My question would be: How have you and DIL got along so far? If everything has been fine, then I would try not to take it personally. If it has been rough, then I can understand how that is hurtful. The reality is that a GP's expectations sometimes don't match the parent's expectations. And the reality is they get to make the decisions as it's their child/children.
Quote from: jdtm on June 13, 2013, 07:19:19 AM
QuoteIt is not her fault that the child making her a grandmother is a male. Being relegated to the background is hurtful..so is being made to feel like "second string". There is just no way to sugar coat that. She can be as understanding as the day is long, but she is still going to be hurt.
I am the mother of two sons. One of our DIL's (now ex-DIL) "silenced/ignored" us out of their lives (at least, until she left our son and abandoned her children); the other DIL could not be more supportive or compassionate or caring or loving (and this includes her immediate family). That being said - I am not the maternal grandmother; I am "second string" and frankly, grateful and feel blessed. This is the reality of being the paternal grandmother.
Oh I'm most definately ok about being 2nd string now.. and I accept my place.. After 10 years and 3 GKs.. it's not such a mystical magical thing to me any longer. But I understand how Mary Lee is feeling. This is her FIRST grandchild and that in an of itself comes with a certain amount of expectation on how it will be to be a grandma... and how we have imagined the experience. She's hurt, and I can understand why she is. She needs to know that she is not the only 1st time paternal grandma that has had to understand and accept the 2nd string thing, and the reality of being the paternal grandmother.
LC - I hope you did not misinterpret my posting - I am in total agreement with you. I only wanted to point out to the OP that being a "paternal" grandmother does not come with quite the same privileges as being a "maternal" grandmother. At least, not in my case. And, at times, I still feel hurt (even though it is not intentional and our DIL tries so hard to be overly fair). After all, the mother of our grandchildren has known one grandmother her entire life; me - well, not as long. And our DS's - hey - they're men (what more can I say) ....
And as for Mary Lee - I think things will be fine.
Quote from: jdtm on June 13, 2013, 11:09:33 AM
LC - I hope you did not misinterpret my posting - I am in total agreement with you. I only wanted to point out to the OP that being a "paternal" grandmother does not come with quite the same privileges as being a "maternal" grandmother. At least, not in my case. And, at times, I still feel hurt (even though it is not intentional and our DIL tries so hard to be overly fair). After all, the mother of our grandchildren has known one grandmother her entire life; me - well, not as long. And our DS's - hey - they're men (what more can I say) ....
And as for Mary Lee - I think things will be fine.
Oh no... I didn't. I understood what you were pointing out.. I just want ML to know that we understand her hurt, but it does get better when acceptance sets in. BUT still and all... it comes as a shock to most of us, don't you think? It's one of those facts of life that's hard to believe at first.. Eventually we do "get over it" but it's painful..
ML, welcome to the site. I'm glad you found us. I too would let DS & DIL know that as much as you'd love to be notified when labor begins, you'll wait to visit until things settle down and/or you can afford to pay for airfare, car rental and hotel.
Regarding paternal GPs being second string, my hope is that DILs, FDILs, and DIL FOOs read this thread and gain a little understanding of the position paternal GPs are in.
My DIL has already made it clear what our role will be with "her" children when/if they come along (she doesn't want us involved.) Although DS has said he won't let that happen, I'm working on acceptance now so I won't be devastated later. We don't expect DS to jeopardize his marriage for his FOO. As our DDD is not likely to marry or have children, a GP/GC relationship is probably not in our future.
QuoteRegarding paternal GPs being second string, my hope is that DILs, FDILs, and DIL FOOs read this thread and gain a little understanding of the position paternal GPs are in.
That would be my hope also Pen.. Before giving the stock "that's the way it is..deal with it and get over it" which is SOOO hurtful, it could be helpful to try to see the other side and to put oneself in the shoes of the paternal GP's I always felt that open dialog and understanding of the other position is important to resolving problems.
In my case it was the complete and utter SHOCK of learning my place as the Paternal GM. I simply had no idea about this sort of thing. I was always very, very close with my maternal GM.. I stayed at her house during the summer... She took me on vacations, just her and I, and I took it for granted that I would have the same sort of relationship and privileges with MY grandchildren. Of course it never occured to me that it was my MATERNAL GM I was allowed to be close to and I hardly saw my PATERNAL GM.. but that didn't raise a red flag for me.. I just KNEW I was going to be taking my GKs for weeks in the summer and going on vacation with them... taking them to Disney.. and other great destinations..
So IMAGINE when that access never materialized and in fact was forbidden. For a time, I thought it was my fault.. Something was wrong with me.. But then I found out through this place and others that this is a common theme for Paternal GMs... and we DO have to accept it.. It was so disappointing. I also learned over time that I wouldn't even be comfortable doing for my GKs what my GM did with and for me. WHAT if, God forbid something happened to them.. Those are some other woman's kids! A Paternal GM doesn't have the same latitude for the most part as the maternal GM does. Those are her daughters kids.. and therefore and extension of her.. With US? We are strangers.. A fact I guess we have to deal with... but it hurts to have that said to us.
Lilly, do you have any idea why you were close to maternal GM and not paternal GM? Was there a problem between your parents and your paternal GP, or did it just work out that way? I was actually closer to my paternal GPs, but I wasn't alienated from the maternal GPs in any way, shape or form. I look at the case with my own kids, I feel my ILs were poised to be the more involved GPs (geography played a big role), but instead of being grateful for what they had, they complained about things not being exactly how they wanted (I dared to host a holiday and use a variety of babysitters). Eventually I washed my hands of trying to include them and - big surprise! - neither my DH nor ILs tried to pick up the slack.
Mary Lee, again, good luck with your situation. I hope you have a great visit when the time comes and things smooth out.
QuoteYou have to understand how hurtful this is to the mother of the father of the child. She feels she is as much a grandmother to that baby as the mother of the DIL.. She is feeling left out of something she has dreamed about..
LC I am about to be a GM for the first time in August. I will be the paternal GP. I will be surprised if I learn of the birth before it is posted on facebook. I do understand Mary Lee's pain. It does not change my previous post. What we focus on expands and if ML focuses on the things that are bothering her it will only make things worse. The only time my DIL contacts me is when she want a present......like the baby shower invite I got yesterday. Ooops!! Wrong way to look at that too! My bad! LOL
I kinda had this problem when my first GC was born. DIL's parent's were coming from Japan, then they were not, could we come? Sure - then it was back on for the other GP's to come. Fine - but, we're coming after y'all come home from the hospital and we will stay at a hotel. (We were lucky that we got airline friends and family tickets and could travel pretty much any time.)
My son is not the most compassionate or caring person, but I was gonna see that baby no matter what.
It is a crying shame that (seems like) this generation of Adult Children act like this. What my mantra is what goes around, comes around. One day they will be having these discussions about their children.
I'm prob going to get labled as "one of those" selfish DILS or DDs but to be honest with you I was not all that concerened with my Moms, SMoms, SMILs or MILs wants and needs regarding visits and who gets to stay where and for how long after I had just given birth. I didnt want a house full of guests regardless if they were family or not.
We did allow family (my parents/SMom since they are a plane ride away) to come and visit for 3 - 4 days with wks in between to break up each visit. My DH did a great job keeping my ILs at bay for the first few days we were home so I could get the "hang" of things. They are also local.
I watched my Mom go thru he** and back when my brother was born. Both sets of GPs were more concerened with getting their needs met as GPs instead of allowing my Mom (the one who just gave birth) to have her needs met, and respected.
I understand why your DIL/ DS would prefer you to get a hotel, I would too. It has nothung to do with you, they are not "slighting" you or trying to "exclude" you. Your DIL will have just given birth, yeah I know shes not the first. However some recover quickly others dont. Im guessing this is why she'd prefer you stay in the hotel because she doesnt know how things will go.
Your DIL/ DS having a baby is about them.becoming a family of their own, not soley making you a Grandmother.
Please dont "talk" your son into going against something your DIL/DS has already agreef on. It will start a fight between them, and could end very badly for you - as in having your visit revoked.
I agree with those that said that DIL probably just doesn't want a lot of houseguests when she has a new baby and that having her own Mom there is more comfortable for her.
As a mother, I wanted my mom to come and stay with me when my son was born, but she was unable to come because her mother was dying and she needed to be there. I never wanted my MILs help and didn't ask for it. My husband called them the minute I went into labor and my inlaws headed up. No one asked me, they just said this is what we are doing. They were there at the hospital and for my homecoming. Then my BIL came because he was leaving the state and this was his only chance to see the baby. I knew they were all excited and I didn't want to deny them. However it was not good for me. When it came to my husband's family, I always did what was good for them at my expense. They weren't there to help and I hardly had a minute alone with my baby for the first 10 days.e I was breastfeeding so it least no one could take that away from me, but my husband did the cooking and cleaning and his family only created more stress.
In my opinion, it is the woman who carries the child, delivers the child, feeds the child if she is breastfeeding and has hormones changing and causing her stress. She should be able to call the shots about who comes and when. I wish I had, but instead I put others needs ahead of my own and it was one of the first in a long list of resentments that didn't need to be.
My ex-SIL told inlaws not to come right away when their son was born and BIL stood behind her on that. It didn't make her very popular with my inlaws an I got to hear how awful she was, but I was thinking "good for her"
I just wanted to add that I do understand what it's like to be a MIL. When my daughter had her babies she wanted me around to help and I felt comfortable that she would send me home when she got tired of me. When my son's children were born, I went to my DIL, not my son and told her that I needed her to tell me what she needed and wanted from me and what she didn't want from me when the babies were born. I told her I was willing to come and help and excited to see the babies but also understood that having me around could cause stress to her. Her mother was going right away (they live 5-6) hours away and I also told her that I understood because I know it's different with your own mother. She thought about it and said she would like me to come after her mother left, for a few days. She was willing to let me stay in their small apartment with them, but I opted for a motel for my own comfort. Later she said it was actually kind of nice not having me stay there. She's a nice person and didn't mean this in a bad way and I understood what she meant.
I think because of the way I felt with my inlaws for so many years I tend to be more sensitive to what a DIL feels than what a MIL feels even though I am both.
One more thing: I think your son is wrong to demand that you book a flight right away and then add that DIL says you can't stay. Your adult children don't get to tell you what to do or put demands on you and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do just because that has what he told you. Also it doesn't sound like he communicated with his wife about this first and pitted you against each other by saying to you that he wants you to come and then saying DIL says you can't stay here. If you can't afford a flight and a hotel right now what is wrong with just saying that. Besides it might be more enjoyable for all of you if you went later after things have calmed down. In my opinion the newborn time is really about parents and baby bonding anyway and aren't they a little more fun when they are a couple of months old?
I was the same way confused and it worked out well with me and DIL and I actually was happily surprised she wanted me there. I too had the overbearing inlaws at one time and remember how they were when my kids were born. They were not there to help, but to take over the baby. My Mother was there to help and let me spend time with the baby. I asked my DIL before the birth what she would like. I knew her Mother was coming up for the birth and I told her that I would wait until they got home or just come visit in the hospital if she wanted. (I had the situation where she was living with me while my son was deployed). I had gone to all her doctor's appointments (at her request) and her Mother had not done anything, but I also know I still want my Mommy when I'm sick or hurting! :)
She actually said she would love for us to be there as well, but didn't want anyone in the delivery room but her and DS. Then when we went to visit them when YS got back from deployment a couple of months ago, she offered to let us stay at their apartment. We told her we would book a hotel room so her, DS and GC could have their time together as well, because she was just getting to see him as well. I could see the relief on her face.
Mary Lee, feeling left out is normal. It's just our human nature to want to be there and disappointing if we can't. We did a ton for DIL/YS. Taking her in and letting her live with us, Doctor's visits, I cooked and cleaned for her, etc. She's a really good person but tends to be lazy and doesn't pitch in much. So for almost a year, we basically took care of her, physically and financially. But even with that and her Mother not doing anything to help her, I knew I couldn't take it personally if she said she didn't want us there. It really wasn't about us at this point.
I know it hurts and I agree, your DS shouldn't have demanded you fly out and then tell you that you couldn't stay. That was just wrong. How about asking if you would like to fly out, but explaining they would appreciate if you could stay at a hotel so they could have some alone time. Same thing but worded in a communicative and understanding way.
I really have appreciated all the responses. Thank you all.
To clarify, my DS told me to book a flight when labor started and my DIL is the one who told me I could not stay with them. They were both in the room together when all of this transpired.
I was once a new mother and I also remember being a wreck when coming home from hospital. I really did not want anyone around so I do understand. I have decided to wait a few weeks before going to see the baby. I know that it will be important for my DIL to be with her mother and that is a great time for her mom to bond with the baby too.
I also know that my son will be greatly disappointed that I have decided to hold off coming but in the long run it will be better for everyone as the last thing I want to do is create more stress in an already stressful situation. I do plan on telling them that because I am coming later, it would be wonderful if I could stay at their home. If my DIL still does not agree then I will tell them that as soon as they feel comfortable having me stay there, then I'll come. If I do not, and stay in a hotel, then how do I approach them about "visiting hours" ... I will have travelled a long way only to have more restrictions placed on me as to when I can see the baby Etc...
I know this is a delicate situation but the fact remains... I am also his grandma and because I do not live close by, it would be wonderful to spend as much time as possible with my first grandchild but remain hyper aware of not being a nuisance.
I also know that if I do not remain firm on my decision then it sends a message to my DIL that I am willing to do whatever to please her at the high cost of foregoing my feelings and beliefs and I just cannot do that.
Interestingly, I was recently told by my DIL's mother that she was going to be the "favorite " grandma. Well, I was shocked to say the least and was speechless...for a minute, then I thought about it and told her that I was fine with her being the favorite grandma because I was going to try and be a "fun" grandma... So I am up against a tough mother/daughter team here but I will just plug along and try to be the best grandma that I can and keep my grandchild's best interest at heart.
Funny thing about children...they are the one's who decide who is what!
In addition to flying out to see the baby, I am expected to fly out for the baby shower as well in August. Haven't heard if I can stay with them or not, but my plan is to not stay in a hotel. The shower is the same day as another very good friend of mine who has an annual pig roast that I try and attend but when I mentioned to my son that I would love to try and do both, he said to me "mom, this is your first grandchild's shower"... So, looks like I will miss the pig roast...
I wouldn't miss the pig roast. I would tell DS that yes, this is my first GC's shower and that is why I plan on being there but that I was also going to fit the pig roast in later. Sorry, but it's ok for them to have their boundaries (like not staying at the house) but you get to have boundaries too, as in not jumping through all the hoops they are dictating. Compromise only works if both sides do it. If it's all coming from one side, then it's a dictatorship.
QuoteI think the thing to ask yourself is - is it important that your DIL and son want you there for the shower and want you to be just as excited as they are?
The truth is - as grandparents (especially if it is not the first time), we are "almost" as excited as the new parents, but not quite. Our wonderful DIL feels that we should be at every event and see every activity and milestone (major or minor); but as a grandparent, I don't need/want that. I want to share most/some events, the important events, but not all. Yes, it is selfish - but that is part of getting older and I don't apologize for that. Sometimes, we just need to be quiet. Sometimes, we want to spend time with friends. Sometimes, we are cultivating those things that were not available to us when we were raising our children. Occasionally, my husband will attend one event and I will attend the other; the important ones we attend together. But, we have busy lives without our children/grandchildren (even though our son and DIL would question this) - frankly, we enjoy spending time alone as it has been years since we have had this opportunity.
So the dilemma - when to include, when not to include, when is stepping over boundaries, when is not stepping over the boundaries, when is too much too much, and when is not enough not enough. Hmmm ... no easy answer (if there is one).
I'm with Pooh on this one - I think there is time and opportunity for both events. Compromise - on both sides .... Besides as one gets older, confusion and noise and general hubbub become less and less attractive. My parents tried to explain this concept to me years ago; I'm finally getting it.
The way I read it is she can't go to both events as she has to fly there to go to the shower as well as fly there to see the baby after it's born. So TWO airfares.. am I correct. I guess it would depend on if you are allowed to stay in their home for the baby shower.. If not then that would again be an airfare and hotel.. In which case... I certainly would be enjoying the Pig Roast...
Quote from: sunshine82 on June 19, 2013, 07:15:57 AM
I think the thing to ask yourself is - is it important that your DIL and son want you there for the shower and want you to be just as excited as they are?
Sorry, but in my opinion, that is dictating when one side (whomever it be) gets to pick what they want, every time. That you should be as excited as they are about a baby shower so don't do anything else, fly out immediately when she's in labor but can't stay at our house, all the while on your dime. When anyone says, "This is what you are going to do", that is not communication. I believe you said yourself that you had issues with your MIL because she wanted you to do everything how she did it and her way?
That is what is great about this forum. I believe you had a valid right to have your own boundaries with your MIL and that she is wrong to want you to do everything her way and treat the kids differently. I also believe that Mary Lee has a right to her boundaries. I don't look at any one person on this forum by title. I don't care if you are a DIL, MIL, GP, AC, etc. because I am every one of those things. I see everyone here as a person that deserves to be treated with respect, equality and have a relationship full of compromise on both sides. When you don't get that, it doesn't matter what your title is.
I get that out of this too Pooh... Fly out... don't stay with us.. miss your pig roast... be as excited as we are... DO this.. Don't do that.. and by the way.. DON'T make any demands or voice YOUR preferences because THAT is boundary stomping..
I got that too, fly out, stay elsewhere, miss your pig roast and fly again of course because we are calling the tune and you are dancing to it to please us. I wouldn't tell them if there are conflicts in the future, where you go and when you do it are your schedule alone and you don't have to just it to anyone.
I wouldn't fly out right away, I wouldn't stay with them, because then you can get some sleep in a hotel and feel comfortable. I would tell them that there are only so many air miles in the wallet right now, but you are looking forward to seeing the baby on SKYPE, once a week, every few days, whenever it's convenient for them. Later, when it's convenient for you and your wallet you might want to pay them a visit if the invitation is extended.
I wouldn't worry about missing a shower, I think it's very important to keep your friends close and enjoy their company when things with the "kids" aren't absolutely wonderful. Send a lovely gift to the shower and have some fun. The pig roast was already on the schedule, so first come, first served, literally. If your son and DIL give you more notice you can put their events on your schedule if you choose.
Yes, they are starting a new family, I get that. I don't get fly out at your expense but you aren't welcome to stay with us. The first couple of weeks a newborn can cry enough to send you around the bend and having grandparents who have the world of patience stay with you can be a huge help.
KG
Is it possible that you have a communication style problem with DS? Maybe when he's saying "you have to fly out when DIL is in labor" and "c'mon mom, this is your first grandchild" he's not really trying to dictate your actions, but just trying to express his enthusiasm. I know I've told people "oh, you have to try this food/read this book/see this movie" when I wasn't really issuing a command, just being enthusiastic.
Your DS is in no way shape or form in charge of your life, so you shouldn't feel at all guilty about going to the pig roast or not flying out while DIL is in labor. It's your life, you decide. There's a touch of rudeness about inviting an out-of-towner to a shower. Although gifts are usual at bday parties, weddings, anniversary parties, they aren't required (no matter what the honoree thinks), but a shower is all about the gifts. The purpose is to shower the new mom with needed baby items.
In your shoes, I think I would forego flying out for the shower/pig roast. Either you skip the pig roast and are resentful, you skip the shower and cause hurt feelings and possibly start a family battle, or manage to attend both but are too stressed out to enjoy either. Thinking long term, I'd save the airfare for the shower trip to afford a hotel for the baby trip. In future years you can visit for the pig roast and see GC without there being a conflict. Putting myself in DS/DILs shoes, if you fly out for the pig roast then cry too poor for a hotel during the GC visit, I wouldn't be too sympathetic. Fair? No. Reasonable? No. Possible? Definitely.
Whatever you feel comfortable with, though, is what you should do. There's no absolute right or wrong. Good luck.
Herbal said --
There's a touch of rudeness about inviting an out-of-towner to a shower.
How true. I would not fly out for the shower. I would stay home, send a nice gift for the baby, and save my money for flying out after the baby comes. You can see all the baby things then. You could also participate in the shower by Skype - in the comfort of your own home or that of a friend who knows how to Skype (which I do not).
You are smart to not go when she is in labor, but to wait a few weeks and go then. I don't get that labor and delivery (and the recovery time afterward) are something there should be a big audience for. It is a very stressful time - and things can go wrong. I know I would go to the waiting room of the hospital if my DIL was delivering in town. If things took a bad turn I could get out of there and out of the way quickly. But I would not fly to a distant city to be in the waiting room, and be excluded for the next 5 days of my visit. And I think I should NOT be involved during the first days or weeks after the baby comes. New parents need their privacy. And I think by definition anyone other than the new parents, doctors and nurses are unnecessary parties.
If it was a plane ride away, I would wait, and like the OP, go after everything has settled down. Unlike OP, however, I would not want to stay with them. Too much going on - even if the baby was a month old by then. I would go only once, stay in a budget motel near-by, and probably not spend any more than if I had gone twice.
I hate to admit, but I dislike my future MIL. She visits uninvited, and when she does visit- it is not really a 'visit'- it is an white glove inspection. Even after hours of cleaning the house (while her precious son sits on the couch and watches me), she arrives and walks through the house pointing out things that need to be cleaned again. It is very stressful. I have talked to her about this and she says that 'she is trying to be helpful'.
I am sure that you are not like this. But DILs feel under pressure to make their home perfect, when the MIL is visiting. As the first priority in the MIL mind is the son and the grandchild and their welfare-including a clean house and well prepared food. (I know that my MIL doesn't care about me, and would throw me under a bus). So the last thing she wants/ feels like doing will be cooking/ cleaning for her MIL.
My daughter-in-law told me the same thing. I stayed at my daughter's apartment on an air mattress. My son and DIL had the room, but they didn't want other people there then.
I could understand how this is hurtful. Personally, I wanted my own mother to stay at a hotel. I adore her and my MIL but after having a baby we needed our home as a family of three. She may consider it a favor to you to have your own space as well...almost like a get away. I had sooo many visitors that the thought of having someone staying with me was over the top stressful with a new baby...even if they just wanted to help. Im sorry that as a paternal grandparent your experience is starting off painful. Your son is learning his new role one that you are probably a good example for and that is to love his wife.