Hello Ladies,
I've been reading here for awhile and I've replied in a few threads. But this is my first Post so forgive any mistakes I may make. I'm still learning.
I'll try to give you a little back ground about myself. Hopefully someone can share some advice with me?
:-[
Like many women I married my husband right out of high school. We started having children only a year later. So I've been a wife and mother all but 19 years of my life.
We all have dreams when we are young and mine was to be a Wife and Mother. So I've lived my dream and I've loved every second of it!!
Also like many Mothers, It was a huge adjustment for me when one by one they moved out of the house and started building a life and their own families.
As parents raising them to stand on their own and make a good life for themselves is our goal.
I never wanted a 30 year old laying around on my sofa. So I knew they would leave home one day.
What I didn't know was that all the emotions that would hit me. It shook me to my core and made me feel unsure of who I even was as a person.
Finding out *who* I am. Without the role of Caretaker/Mother is a whole other bag of worms that I won't get into right now. :P
Anyhow this is what is making feel ashamed of myself!. Our middle child and his family are moving into our house for about 6 months while redoing their home. You would think I would be thrilled . Right?
But I'm *not* happy about it!!! I am finally loving where I am in life right now!!! I love having time alone! I am really loving my role as a Grandmother!! All the joy and happiness I feel around my grandchildren is amazing! then after they wear me out, I love being able to send them home. LOL
I've been blessed that the people our children married get along with us great! We have none of the horrible drama that I've read about in so many places. We see our Grandchildren about once a week sometimes more. And I'm good with that!!
Where I used to fry 5 pounds of Chicken for supper, I only fry 3 pieces now. Where I've done at the very least 3 loads of laundry a day for years. I now only do laundry once a week and then it's only 2 loads. And 1 load of sheets,towels and so on.
We have a big empty house and they of course are welcome anytime. I love them with all my heart and they know that.
But this dread feeling I have has caught me off guard. And it is so not *me*. What kind of Mother and Grandmother wouldn't love to have her child and grandchild in the house with them like that?
I of course haven't said a word to anyone and I won't either. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way? Or is it me? I should feel ashamed!! I've tried to work on being a better me. Is these feelings something I should work on so I don't have them? I've spent my life always putting my children and their needs first. And I don't like that I feel this way. I really don't! I also don't want anything to damage the friendship I have with our DIL.
Thank you to those who took time to read this. I'm not to great at trying to explain my feelings. I hope this post doesn't make anyone shake their head?
Oh Kennedy - you have nothing to feel ashamed of! You're allowed your feelings. You can see that this will be a HUGE change and a HUGE disruption in your lives and you've got mixed feelings about it. That's completely fair.
You haven't mentioned it to anyone, but I think it's fair to talk to your DH about it. But don't mention it to the rest of your family. Your DS and DIL are feeling out of sorts over it too. It would be nice to sit down with them and discuss ground rules, who cooks, who cleans, sharing of groceries, utility bills, conflict resolution ect. If I were you and you were me, I would start planning a weeks vacation somewhere in the middle of this 'invasion', so that for half of the time, you and DH can look forward to your week of peace and for the other half of the time, you can look forward to the end.
My Mom says that there are Seasons in our lives, and this is a hard season for you, DH, DS & DIL. BUT like regular seasons, it will end. You can endure ANYTHING as long as you know it will end.
I think you're going into this with a healthy attitude (realistic, not rose-coloured glasses). It could very easily "go south", so do what you can, right from the beginning to smooth things over.
Good luck! I wish you patience!
I'm shaking my head but in the form of a nod. I understand EXACTLY what you are saying and let me assure you.. YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL.. I love my kids.. love even more participating in specials events and moments... I love having them over, we cook, we eat, drink, laugh, and as I learned here this week.. we don't fight the love.. but then they go home :) and my dh and I are back to our blissful lives of fewer physical demands. We bop in the pool, sit outside on nice nights, the house is quiet unless we are listening by choice to our music. We plan trips, dinners out, events to attend and for the first time in our lives we only have to take into consideration, the dogs :)
My son and his gf were here for approx a month before returning to Japan.. I love them both, but I still found myself reverting back into "mom" ... it's not that they were really expecting me to.. it's where my 'zone' is when I'm around my kids.
Don't feel guilty.. I'm with you and I'm sure that most of the other women here are as well.
Kennedy, I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of. I was dying to be a mother, but I had 6 long lovely years with my DH before hand. My life and habits completely changed when my DD finally got here. Over the past year, sometimes I felt guilty for looking back on those times when we had a quiet, clean house and aching for it. I missed not being able to go out on date night without some little tiny company. I missed going out of the house looking half nice and not being utterly exhausted from a baby awake all night or the IDEA of a baby waking during the night. I was ashamed of that...I even thought that I deserved all of my fertility problems because I didn't appreciate DD enough when she got here.
I'm not the best mom, but I don't think that one of my shortcomings is something to be ashamed of, or something that is considered not normal. I'm only human; I enjoyed my single life as much as my married life, and my childless-marriage as much as the state of my marriage now. I was blissfully happy before, and blissfully happy after.
Plus, this change for you is only temporary. I'd be a lot less committal about something that was only 6 months versus something that was more long term. I bet you'll miss them a little when they move out once again! Us moms are good saddling that fence.
Kennedy,
Don't sweat it!! I have the best mom in the world (my personal opinion, of course ;D) and I know she does NOT miss having me in the house and all that came with it. Sure, she misses me and she likes for us to come visit- but not falling back into the role of the "mom" who takes care of everyone and everything. This is the way it's SUPPOSED to be. ENJOY your life of mature adulthood!! :)
It wouldn't have worked for me, either. I would do the best I could to help them find another solution. If you didn't live near, what then? What would they have done? I have seen people rent for 6 months. For many of us, but not all, the way to preserve your relationship with adult children and their extended families is to preserve the healthy distance that has been established...for all concerned. Sending love...
Quote from: luise.volta on April 19, 2011, 09:28:04 AM
It wouldn't have worked for me, either. I would do the best I could to help them find another solution. If you didn't live near, what then? What would they have done? I have seen people rent for 6 months. For many of us, but not all, the way to preserve your relationship with adult children and their extended families is to preserve the healthy distance that has been established...for all concerned. Sending love...
Amen to that, Luise! :)
Hi Kennedy. Thanks for sharing. I really loved reading your story, as you sound like a very happy person, probably easy to get along with. I have never been in your exact same situation, so I am not sure I am qualified to give advice. But I do have an opinion! And, Some things popped into my mind, like NO! I am not shaking my head at all! You are being very honest about a real concern of yours. I am sure there's some WW here that can advice you, but no feelings are wrong. It's what we do with them that matters.
What came into my mind when you were telling of the work reduction (laundry, big pans of dinner) that comes with the empty nest...why would that change for you?
I'm sure your daughter in law would apreciate you cooking a day here or there, but isn't she going to miss her own freedom to shop, prepare, cook & feed her own family as she did in their home?
Won't she be taking care of her families laundry needs?
Are you inviting them to come 'live with you so you can take care of them'?
Or are you 'providing a place for them to stay, & continue life as they know it', while their own place is being worked on?
My opinion of this is that if you get it clear in your head about how it can be the most comfortable for you, sit down with her, ask what she envisions as the time spent there will be like, & what way would be most comfortable for her, talk about expectations, maybe compromise some duties and coordinate time spent in common areas?...(You cook 2 nights a week for the whole family, her take care of the rest of the nights...maybe they eat 4;30 pm, you & hubby eat 6:30 pm? You watch the kids while she does her grocery shopping, she take care of the sweeping, mopping, vacuuming of kitchen & livingroom...afterall, those rooms will have more crumbs with kids around! She makes sure the bathroom stays clean, you be responsible for rubbish getting outside to the cans...
What ever it takes! I know I got very specific, but you both are used to running households the way you like it. You both are going to need a sense of 'control' in this new combined routine, or both of your husbands individually, are going to be getting earfulls by the end of the first week!
Like I said, just my opinion! If I am way off base, that's ok, like I said, I never have been in this exact situation. Closest to same was my oldest daughter living at home til age 23...she & I lived 'separately', but together.
We left a spiral bound notebook in the kitchen for messages ( because we both worked, and was easier than trying to remember to fill each other in on things, in passing!)about whether the dog was walked, gonna p/u dog food today, having some friends in tonight to watch a movie-feel free to join us, I'm cooking big meal tonight at 4-7 pm tuesday night, go ahead and eat left over dinner, bought too much deli, please have some, won't be home fri night, I'm in bed early with a headache, 'certain'cat-we had 7- keeps throwing up, pls keep an eye on him...etc...it worked out very well!)
I guess what I am saying is, work out the details, advance planning of line of communication, and respect for privacy & independence...And don't worry about the husbands, they probably will go along with what ever you two women say will work for you!!
Good luck, and have fun! I am so looking forward to hear what other WW will have to say! Sounds like an adventure to me! -Courtney
You have nothing to be ashamed of. When I lost my job, my mom offered to let me move back home, but I could tell she really didn't want me to, nor did I want to. So glad I didn't have to! lol I'm sure, even though your DS/DIL love you and you all get along, they are having a few stressful thoughts about the whole thing. ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) it'll all work out. Only 6 months!
What wonderful replies!! Thank each and everyone of you..
So many ways of doing what I was worried about that I hadn't even thought of. Wow! Thank you all.
I love the idea of a trip half way through! And Courtney I have no idea why I didn't think of the stuff you wrote. What a wonderful idea and I'll work on my expections and then we will talk. My DIL is a lovely girl and she most likely wouldn't tell me if I offended her. But I don't want to offend her. I love and care about her! And I'm sure living with your MIL isn't a dream come true for her either.
I suppose I didn't think of her helping with cooking ect. is because that was my job for years. But he is married to her now and she or himself should do their own laundry. What was I thinking? Duh??
Luise you are so wise!!! My husband hasn't told me he feels like I do. but I think he has worries too. Because he told me of a friend of ours who has a trailer for rent. So that is something I need to check about.
Mostly I really am thankful to each of you for letting me know that having my concerns, don't mean I don't love and care about them. Thanks!
Hi again! I must be having a very opinionated day, because I have had a couple more thoughts on this! hahaha!
The kids!!! If I were you, unless she specifically asks you to 'watch xxx for a few minutes for me please' or you are actually 'babysitting' them while their Mom is gone, I would not say anything disciplinary! Even when I am visiting their house, if I see one of the kids misbehaving, they do respond to me, but I say something like, 'xxx, go ask your mother if you should be doing that'...or if it's a case of immediacy, I might say, 'xxx, stop or I am going to call your mother in here'. I don't tamper with a mother & her kids!!
The times when I am alone with one or more of the kids, if they misbehave, I tell them they need to stop, or 'Mummy will get mad at Gramma, and she won't let you come back here. You don't want Mummy to be mad at Gramma, do you?' haha! It's so funny how quick they straighten out!
I was thinking also, if there's to be any money compensation, give them some deposit slips, and they can hand you the receipts for the deposits. Or let the husbands figure out the money things.
Also, I really like Luise's idea too!!!! :)
Yes that discipline thing will be touchy.. but you have the right to have your 'rules' for your home. The children should be expected to listen to you as well as their own parents when in your home.... My own dil did not like that "I" how dare :) disciplined her dog for peeing on my table leg... if she lets him do it at home I wouldn't care.. yeah I would care lol.. that's just gross.. it's really a matter of respecting your home, your life....
LOL, little off tangent, Laurie? Haha. That was funny.
lol.. yeah I haven't gotten over that one yet.. could you tell :)
At least you're honest. :)
I'd probably be equally upset if their future children peed on my table leg as well
Oh My Dear Kennedy, How I wished I was in your shoes.
Please cherish any moment you have with your children and grandchildren.
I have started a response to your post several times and cant bring myself to tell you how I am really feeling.
Don`t be ashamed of your feelings, they are natural, but at the same time embrace what ever time you have with your children.
And be blessed that you can experience any challenges or hick-ups you have with them.
(((Hugs))))
It is possible to embrace the time you have with your extended family and still not coexist. Even for 6 months. I have seen families try to do that and fail. Then the relationship suffers and can even be permanently affected. Some women with very thick skins, can do it. My skin is paper-thin, unfortunately. An "idea" like temporarily coexisting sounds lov-er-ly to me but I can't pull it off. There are too many variables and not enough maturity (and energy) to go around. If they need help with the rental costs, I would contribute because I would be contributing either way. Sending love...
Quote from: luise.volta on April 19, 2011, 11:23:09 AM
It is possible to embrace the time you have with your extended family and still not coexist. Even for 6 months. I have seen families try to do that and fail. Then the relationship suffers and can even be permanently affected. Some women with very thick skins, can do it. My skin is paper-thin, unfortunately. An "idea" like temporarily coexisting sounds lov-er-ly to me but I can't pull it off. There are too many variables and not enough maturity (and energy) to go around. If they need help with the rental costs, I would contribute because I would be contributing either way. Sending love...
I agree, Luise. In theory, it would be great to live with my mom (not MIL lol) for 6 months, but in reality after a week we would probably want to kill each other lol. Just the little things can become so irritating. I've always been a do the dishes when you have a sinkful kind of girl and my mom is one of those must wash the dish as soon as it is dirty girls. We argued all the time about dishes when I lived at home. Just silly stuff. But it isn't worth ruining a relationship over.
I watched a program with Dr. Christine Northrup where she discussed the seasons of life, aka menopause. I expected a discussion about hot flashes, etc. She discussed it to some degree, but she also explained how it affects our brains. She said we've been through those seasons of being someone's daughter, wife, & mother. Menopause is the time when we find our selves. We've done the home-making stuff, and taken care of other people, whether it be our dc or dp's, putting others needs before our own. She said this is the time in a woman's life when we think about how we'd like to spend the 2nd half of our lives. We want to do those things that make us happy. I stored that in my memory bank so I could decide for myself when the time came. I know now that she was absolutely correct. As I recall, her husband was an attorney. She & friend always wanted to open a non-profit clinic for women. Her dh said the idea was ridiculous. As she put it, she got rid of all her old baggage (divorced her husband). After standing by him for years, working her life around his career, she felt he should have been supportive of her. She & her friend did open the clinic. I have to admit; I've recently discovered a selfish bone I never realized existed. Maybe that's why couples divorce after umpteen years of marriage?
The advice you've received is terrific, Kennedy, but I have one question. How do you handle the disciplining of gc in your home when dp's opt not to?
Quote from: Kennedy on April 19, 2011, 08:33:49 AM
Hello Ladies,
I've been reading here for awhile and I've replied in a few threads. But this is my first Post so forgive any mistakes I may make. I'm still learning.
I'll try to give you a little back ground about myself. Hopefully someone can share some advice with me?
:-[
Like many women I married my husband right out of high school. We started having children only a year later. So I've been a wife and mother all but 19 years of my life.
We all have dreams when we are young and mine was to be a Wife and Mother. So I've lived my dream and I've loved every second of it!!
OMG, Kennedy, the first few paragraphs of your life are so similar to mine that I thought I wrote it! :)
I enjoyed being a mother so much that I remember thinking that I wouldn't know how I would ever cope when they finally left home. And when they would talk about moving out of state my heart would drop.
My ODS left for the first time after a terrible incident between him and his dad. He and I was still okay at this time. Anyway, I couldn't get out of bed for a week. The house just didn't feel the same. My home felt like a puzzle that was missing a huge piece. But.....as time passed and I saw that DS was happy in his new place and that life went on at home I began to like that there was one less person in the house.
Okay..Okay...I admit it!!!! IT WAS GREAT!!! Food lasted much longer. Milk actually went bad!!! Less laundry, lower utility bills and less sprinkles on the toilet seat!!! OMG, but I got to thinkin' a girl could get used to this! I started imagining the other two gone (we have three boys). They are good "children" and are welcome to stay as long as it works for us, but hubby and I dream of the day when it's just us!
I became a mother on my 19th birthday. ODS was the greatest gift God could give. I kinda believe that had he not returned home we may still be getting along now. I understand your fears. Six months is a long time. I can't lie, there are few people in this world that I would like to visit with me for six months. Not even my own Dear Mother who I love over the moon. We've all seen the sitcoms and the cartoons are the dearest friends and family members who come to words after attempting to live together for a short time. But I imagine it can also be fun too.
Since you all get along I imagine that this could be a not-so- bad experience. If everyone is considerate of each other this could be a great time to make some wonderful memories....Think of all the stories you'll be able to start with, "Remember when you lived with us for six months, and..........?!!!!"
The women on this board are very wise. Take a few tips from them and personalize them and this may be a happy time for all of you. Good luck!
BTW,
Laurie, you have got to be one of the funniest women I've ever "met"! LOL about the dog and the kids! Your house must be a HOOT!
Oh Kennedy, I feel your pain. My DD is not an adult, but we've already had the talks that once she's gone, she's gone. I've got to be honest, I don't think I'd let my kids move back in for that long. Maybe a month or two, most likely we would have to come up with a solution for an extended stay somewhere else. I wouldn't mind helping but if they're married with children that's a huge load for you.
Quote from: pam1 on April 19, 2011, 01:13:37 PM
Oh Kennedy, I feel your pain. My DD is not an adult, but we've already had the talks that once she's gone, she's gone. I've got to be honest, I don't think I'd let my kids move back in for that long. Maybe a month or two, most likely we would have to come up with a solution for an extended stay somewhere else. I wouldn't mind helping but if they're married with children that's a huge load for you.
I understand what you are saying and think I would feel the same way, but how do you say, "no", and not cause hard feelings that may forever impact the relationship?
You know Muffin, I don't know. My DD is 8 and we already talk about it now. I don't think it will cause her hard feelings, but I can't see into the future either so it's a gamble. (she does know emergencies etc I will help her out) But we talk about a lot of stuff now, college, job, what her responsibilities will be in the next coming years.
Well, also this is the child when she wad 5 told me that she would never take a driving class and that she'll just take one of my old licenses to drive lol.
I think most kids fairly understand if their parents can't take them in. I don't think they'd make their parents feel guilty (or intentionally make any guilt that is there worse).
Isnt she a wonderful Author and speaker. I have one of her books. She along with Joyce Myers has really had an impact on some of the strength I have gained over the last 6 yrs.
[/quote]
Two more wise women...
Hi Kennedy (btw I was President Kennedy's and his wife Jackie's fan, so I loved your name).
As the other nice ladies said...nothing to be ashame of.
When My son got married (and my youngest daughter was at SDSU) i got all depressed. I was told it was the empty nest syndrome. I really needed to be needed. I was not prepared to make the transition again....from being a girl to being a mom, and now from being a mom to being noone lol. But I got it, and I started enjoying myself....my alone time, napping anytime I felt like it. Not cleaning after anybody but my husband. It was great. I loved it and discover that this season of my life....was the bonus price to all my hard-work.
There will be a big change in your life again. Its true, Brokenhope wish she would be in your place....and it is understandable. It has it pros and cons....you will enjoy them a lot...but still you have to be very careful of not damaging your relationship with son/dil because of it. Of course you had to say yes, I wouldnt dare not letting them come to live to my house....regardless of the time, but it will take some time for you to really adjust.
Just think...when losing patience....only 6 months...and with this in mind....act.
Hoping the best for you always
Quote from: pam1 on April 19, 2011, 01:28:37 PM
You know Muffin, I don't know. My DD is 8 and we already talk about it now. I don't think it will cause her hard feelings, but I can't see into the future either so it's a gamble. (she does know emergencies etc I will help her out) But we talk about a lot of stuff now, college, job, what her responsibilities will be in the next coming years.
Well, also this is the child when she wad 5 told me that she would never take a driving class and that she'll just take one of my old licenses to drive lol.
Pam, as she hits the teens you might want to be careful how you phrase things, etc. My mom used to tell my brother and I all the time how she couldn't wait until we were out of the house. How much she wanted us gone and that it was HER house and all we were were tenants. Yes, she called us tenants (We were 12 and 13). Sure did make me feel loved lol... Anywho, I had a LOT of resentment towards her because of this. Soooo, just be careful. :-)
That's true ADIL, thanks for reminding me. It's funny how you try to overcompensate for your parents, seems to be a theme. My parents were so hands off with things like college and jobs, they just expected you to do them and they never talked about it to me.
Yes, Overcompensate! That's it! I must do my best to not overcompensate for my mom and give our kids the impression that they can live in our basement until they are 40! But I don't want them to feel I am going to kick them out at 18 either....
LOL, isn't it funny, trying not to do what your parents did and you can just make it worse.
Sometimes dc want to be just like their mothers...
http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/This_picture/26229
I too feel ashamed sometimes - for about 20 minutes. We have become so accustomed (sp) to it just being the 2 of us that if anyone (or 20) come and stay over a couple of days I start climbing the walls. Good thing is that it is usually once a year for my chilluns and two or three times for my sisters, friends, etc. I guess it is a good thing since I tend to be less sorry (laying around reading) when I have company.
My mother used to say that she was so happy to see us come visit, but was much happier to see the taillights as we were leaving!
Quote from: Rose799 on April 20, 2011, 06:27:02 AM
Sometimes dc want to be just like their mothers...
http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/This_picture/26229
ROTFLMBO!
Quote from: Pen on April 20, 2011, 07:01:41 AM
Quote from: Rose799 on April 20, 2011, 06:27:02 AM
Sometimes dc want to be just like their mothers...
http://www.tasteofawesome.com/view/This_picture/26229
ROTFLMBO!
Ditto!!!! I just emailed that to a bunch of family and friends. ;D ;D
Good Morning Ladies,
I want to Thank each of you for all the kind and helpful replies!
It's amazing to me how getting other's points of view can really help one see what was right in front of the face all along.
Just like when one of you said that about them doing their own chores like laundry and such. It had not even crossed my silly mind! I suppose I was going into a "mommy" mode of how things were before the last 8 years happened. DUH!! LOL
The Son and his wife ,children that I'm referring to had major damage done to their home last Nov. when a F-2 tornado ripped through our little town. They had no home owners insurance so they have had to save to start repairs. And even then my husband and son will be doing a good deal of the work needed.
They have been renting a small house until this could get done. But they are wanting /needing to save that rent money to be able to get it all done. Thus the reason they wanted to stay with us.
As I've said we all have always gotten along great. I've been blessed that all of my DIL's and I get along fine. And we see the grandchildren often!
Back when our oldest Son first married I took to reading books and online after about a year or so to try to be the best MIL I could. I've always done like that. When I had children I read everything I could get my hands on too.
So silly me didn't know how everything can be so horrible between DIL's and MIL's. I just didn't. And I think it is all that I've learned reading these type forums that has me somewhat afraid. Besides just liking what my life is now.
I don't want anything to change with my DIL and I. Does this make sense? So YES I'm a bit scared. Like Luise said, Things might happen that can not be repaired.
Sorry I must of hit post before I was ready. LOL
I'm really am grateful for all the advice. I think we are leaning toward helping them by paying the rent for 6 months where they are. I'm just to chicken to chance it.
Laurie, I wouldn't want anyone peeing on my table legs either. LOL And I would of said something just like you did.
BrokenHope, Just like you feel is why I was feeling so ashamed of how I felt. I love my children and grandchildren!! And I love spending time with them! We all have a loving relationship and I'm very blessed! I don't want to take even the smallest chance of anything messing up what we have either.
Those feelings is why I am leaning more toward how Luise feels.
As far as discipline is concerned that hasn't ever been a issue with any of us. I do not hit/spank my grandchildren and didn't my own children either. I'm not telling anyone else how to Parent. It is just something I will not do!
And our Grandchildren all live with a 10 mile area of us. They stay the night or spend days at our home all the time and have since they've been old enough to ask to. So they know what is okay or not here.
If I had a issue with anything their Parents told them to do.(Which hasn't been the case once) I would talk to the Parent alone. My husband and I feel very strongly that what Mother and Daddy say's go. We back them 100%! If I 'm unsure for some reason about what they will allow while the grandchildren are in my care I call and ask.
Our grandchildren are normal children. So they will try to get their way behind mommy's back once and awhile. But they know that we will stand by Mom's rules. so it hasn't ever really been a issue with us.
TheMuffin, I understand how you feel. I understand how many of you feel. I really do. It wasn't easy for me when they left home. Like many mothers I've had to work hard to get where I am. But now that I've gotten there. Well I like it!
One definition of FAMILY - those who are there for you in times of trouble :) I'm sure your son and his family will greatly appreciate the fact that you are very generously opening your home to them during such a trying time. I would just be upfront before the move as to what your expectations are, and how to deal with ANY conflict.
My older sister had to move back home for 6 months with her 2 young children. What drove my mother over the edge was to me the silliest thing of all... After dinner my mom is the type that is ripping your plate from under your face as you are still eating.. like the food sitting on the plate for more then 2 minutes will create permanent stains. Of course my sister would finish dinner and before doing dishes would bathe her boys and get them ready for bed... so this eventually was seen my my mom that my sis never helped with the dishes. There had to have been a solution for such a simply problem but obviously not as my mom will still mention this 20 years later. The time line for daily chores should be worked out in advance... I would have a written list of allergies that everyone can refer to if need be as well.
You guys will do great... I'm so sorry about your son's loss, thank goodness it was only material possessions that were harmed.. What a great mom and dad your kids have... a dad willing to do physical labor to help the situation is priceless in my mind... Enjoy your time together, enjoy your grandchildren.. they will forever remember your kindness and generosity.. I'd just find some alone time everyday even if it's just a walk around the block.
oh Kennedy.. I didn't see your second section before I posted..
Ok my posting is null and void..your kids are staying elsewhere lol.. but my posting it did get me singing "Let It Be" after I typed the words in times of trouble.. on that note I think I'll start packing for my next adventure for the week.. turning up the music in my head.
Kennedy.. you guys just sound to darn normal, happy, and content.. lol.. what brings you here :)
Kennedy, you sound like a great Mom and MIL. I sure hope they are appreciating you, if not you just come my way lol
I think I'm being to long winded here? My laptop will only let me put a certain amount and then I have to post it? So I'm sorry for all the replies like this.
You all have made me feel a little more normal in how I feel. I really want to Thank all you for taking the time to think about my feelings and then telling me how you would handle things. Thank you for spending the time to help me out like this!
If ask and I was being completely honest about how my life is now? I would answer wonderful! I like how some of you put saying it is Seasons of our lives.
I loved with all my heart and soul raising my children and being their mom!! But I love getting to be my Grandchildren's Grandmother too. I love playing,reading and loving them! And then sending them home. LOL I don't want to stick my nose where it don't belong and I sure don't want to raise another family. Would if I had to. But I'll not choose too. It is their turn. I'm done. LOL
I've read so many sad stories where Grandparents have to raise the Grandchildren or worse yet don't get to see or spend any special time with them. So I know that I'm a very blessed lady!!
I get to see the kids often and everyone gets along really great actually! And the Grandkids and us get to do one on one special things all the time. I am blessed that the women our Son's married gave me a chance. And that the were so easy to love.
So I know my issues are small compared to many others. But they mean something to me. I want everyone happy and the entire family to do well apart and together. So again ladies, Thank you for you help!
You sound like a wonderful mom, Kennedy. I'm sure your son will appreciate whatever you decide. I can't imagine what he must have been through since November.
What brings me here and other forums like this is wanting to be the "best" MIL/Grandparent that I can be! I've always known I'm not perfect and there is always room for impovement. Like I said, I know my issues are so small compared to others
And those of us who are fortunate enough to have the smaller issues are thankful for the small issues in life. Now that my dil is pregnant the forum has I believed helped me to avoid some pitfalls that I may have at one time blindly fallen prey to. Ok so I'm being questioned as so why I'm not being more nosy about the baby.. sometimes you just have to deal with the lesser of the two evils I guess.
My dil has a mom who is soooo ready to be mom#2 to this up and coming grandchild... I'll be excited and love the baby but yes I too really kinda like having my life back to me and the hubs.
Just think, Laurie. Most people I know don't want a Mom #2 for their baby, whether it is a stepmom, best friend, MIL or mom. So, there might be a long-term win for you here just yet.
lol.. I don't think I'll ever win with my dil... she will accept her #2mom in the form of her mother, but I'm judged and viewed by a different standard.
Ah, see I have the opposite problem Laurie. I don't like how my in laws treat family so I wish they would stop treating me as family lol. Even though outside appearance your DIL may seem to like it or not mind, I'm sure it's going to be a problem some day. My DH took a long time to first recognize it, then admit it. It's tough for kids to grow up like that, maybe your DIL will pull through
Maybe Pam.. until then I'll forever remain Faux Ma
I still love Faux Ma.
I do think Mom #2 will wear thin. She might not turn to you, but that is going to get old for your DIL.
Yep. I don't think it's possible to remain married to two women for that long, your DS will put a stop to it. (especially if he's anything like you lol)
my son... oh gosh he is sooooo non confrontational ... he won't put a stop to anything, he just rolls merrily down the road lol
Laurie, My reasons for trying to learn more about things now is also to avoid problems that I may cause unknowingly.
I was a little shocked and still am at times, At all the pain and hurt between family members. From what I've read and learned in most cases it seems that DIL's and MIL's in general want things to be nicer. It is hard I guess for many to find a way of reaching that goal?
I feel a little silly bringing my problem up at all. I know it isn't a big deal. And that is all I want is to not let anything become a big deal.
We are there for anything we can do for them! But they do have to ask. I remember being a young mother and I didn't like anyone butting in where I didn't ask them too.
I agree Kennedy.. and it life doesn't have to hit us with major problems for it to pull us towards sadness.
Gosh Laurie, You hit the nail on the head saying that! It doesn't take much at all to make me feel nervous or sad. And then I see where some have things so much harder than I do and I feel horrible about feeling horrible.
LOL.. glad you got that Kennedy even with my typos.
I was feeling guilty about my son while he was deployed... Esme lost her beloved stepson last month in Afghanistan, Pooh is dealing with her military son and safety concerns and there are many others... My son meanwhile was held up at one point in an embassy with 3 swimming pools and cook staff, his last deployment wasn't so cushy but he was still not out there on the lines, and while I'm thrilled I almost felt guilty about sleeping better at night, saying a little prayer more or less and then knowing that he was 'safe' or at least in my mind.
After Esme's son died, I called my ds and I was upset for not being frightened, for us not facing the same hardships as others .. and my son told me that it was ok, it's ok to sleep uninterrupted or not having that constant knot of dread and fear as part of my everyday existence. I have great compassion for those who are facing worse hardships, I try not to downplay their problems even if I can't always relate. I hope that we can take something from their negative relationships to keep our own positive and moving forward and in the proper perspective. It's tough to sit back and see that even though our issues seem monumental they aren't.. it's at that point that I can smile and say ok.. let's delve into this thing we know as our lives.
Well said, Laurie. Once when my dm struggled over a major issue, a friend gave her a plaque still sits beside her bed. It says, "Before you go to bed, leave your troubles to God. He'll be up all night anyway..."
Hi Kennedy,
Why dont you and hubby "Just move out" LOL
Good luck. I am sure DIL will help with the chores.
Laurie, I also think you said that very well! I understand the fear of having your Child in this awful war! Our son is on his 3rd tour in Iraq right now. I worry enough for 20 people. I try to pray for all of us and them everyday.
Catching up, I'm not sure what you were saying? I'm sorry. I think we have everything worked out for now.
Thank you everyone once again for helping me work through this.
I must Say Kennedy you are 2 sweet. I wished you were my Mom... ;D
No problem is to small or not important in here. ALthough some of us have more heartbreaking stories, its refreshing to see there is Love in families.
Thank you Broken Hope, you are very sweet.
I'll adopt you. LOL
I love the little quote you have under your posts! Such a powerful thing to be able to give our troubles to the Lord!! God Bless!
Thanks Kennedy.
Please adopt me...lol.. I have my bags packed already, Oh But a few things.
I don't do laundry
I don't do windows
I don't cook
I dint wash floors
I lay around all day and hope that you will wait on me..
ROFLMBO...Just Kidding...
Re:Quote
Sometimes my burdens are just to much for me to handle and I believe that the Lord only gives what you can handle. Sometimes It`s a little over whelming and I am not one to ask for help, but it`s time I did. :)
Well BH if you don't do any of those things it will be just like all my kids are home again. LOL
And yes please always know that you can ask for help from above. It's true he only gives us what we can handle. But no where does he say we have to handle it alone. That is what is so wonderful about my relationship with my Lord!!!! I am NEVER alone!!! God Bless!
Oh Kennedy can I ask you something?
Why do you say "God Bless"?
This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine, and I know that it would turn into an argument if I asked my MIL why she says it. So I'm asking you, without all the emotions flying around.
Because to me, you're not saying "God bless YOU", you're just saying "God Bless ...." what? God bless ME, God bless the little children, God bless us everyone, God bless rainbows? What?!?! What are you blessing, for the love of little green apples, WHAT?
Can you see that I'm VERY literal? I just don't get it.
Help me out here.
Couldn't it mean all of those things at once Scoop?
But then doesn't that cheapen it?
If you're saying "You're so sweet, God Bless." and you neglect to add on the "you", and it "could" mean God bless ME, God bless the little children, God bless us everyone, God bless rainbows - then doesn't that cheapen it to meaning nothing?
Again, I'm VERY literal. And I would never bring this up to my MIL or anyone else 'in person'. I like this forum because we can talk about things and help each other to understand, without the emotions getting in the way.
Thanks.
I don't know. I am agnostic, so I have no idea whether it cheapens it or not. It never bothered me when someone said it, or when they attached a subjective noun to it (is that the right grammar part?).
I wouldn't say it cheapens it. I always thought I was kind of literal, so I just took things at face value and didn't go much beyond that. Maybe I'm wrong about that about myself.
Hi Scoop, I think you are right....It's your own pet peeve. I can't answer for Kennedy, but I believe she wrote God Bless and not God Bless You, because it was not just intended for an individual person, but as a whole for all here who happened to read the post. Somewhat like a post script, such as when someone writes "sincerely". Because she didn't input the "you" simply said to me, "Blessings to all". At least that's how I saw it.
Kennedy, I hope I didn't hurt you by questioning what you wrote. I really did want to know what *you* meant when you say "God Bless", so I could better understand my MIL.
Scoop, could you ask your MIL what she means by that?
It might be different for her than it is for Kennedy.
Oh Holly! You're so funny!
No, I cannot ask MIL. She would get upset over it. "What? How did you think I meant it? Well, I don't question you on everything YOU say! Why do you think you're smarter than us? Wahhhh!" and it would ruin the whole weekend. NOT WORTH IT.
Yes, I see your point. I also never ask MIL what she means. I do it here often, though.
I have a question...
When referring to dp's or il's who don't see eye to eye with dc, what does "Oh well!" mean?
Growing up, if dd's weren't happy about something, I can't recall even once using that phrase. It perplexes me to hear dc say it to dp's... Is it a term of endearment?
Rose,
Before I answer, can you detail an example for me?
I think it can either be sympathetic or very sarcastic...I am not sure which, lol.
Quote from: Holly on April 21, 2011, 09:44:53 AM
Rose,
Before I answer, can you detail an example for me?
I think it can either be sympathetic or very sarcastic...I am not sure which, lol.
I'm drawing a blank for examples, but to me, it kind of comes off as, "People in Hades want ice water..." Back in the day, if I'd said that, dp's would probably have offered me soap.
I got ya!
"Oh well." It is pretty dismissive isn't it? I don't like it when people say it to me either.
Quote from: Holly on April 21, 2011, 10:16:39 AM
"Oh well." It is pretty dismissive isn't it? I don't like it when people say it to me either.
I think you nailed it, Holly! ;D Gotta go, the house won't clean itself...
Rose...I used to be SO upset when my parents would say it to me. :D :D
Yeah, I can't think of a 'nice' spin to put on "oh well".
To me "Oh well" is the shorthand version you use when you don't want to say:
Oh well, you've made your bed, now lie in it.
Oh well, I hope that works out for you.
Oh well, what else did you expect?
Oh well, let's agree to disagree.
Because if the "something after" was something nice, you would say it:
Oh well, at least THAT'S OVER.
Oh well, I'm glad we agree.
I think I agree with Scoop. "Oh well" all by itself sound pretty dismissive. Sorta like "whatever". Nothing gets under my skin like "whatever". Both expressions pretty much say to me, "I don't care."
However, there is always an exception to every rule. But I think Scoop hit it on the head when she said if it was not negative something would follow. My son broke my favorite coffee mug and he was upset because he thought I would be upset. I simply replied, "Oh well, it was just a cup. Don't worry about it."
For whatever to be fully effective you have to draw it out muffin., WHAAAT EVVVER lol
Add a few of these in there:
::) ::) ::)
LOL! Yeah, oh well = I don't really care what you think...
Hey, I say oh well all the time and it doesn't mean that! It's more like "what can you do" with a shrugged shoulder. You silly people
AND, I am not religious or spiritual at all but I grew up Catholic went to Catholic schools etc and I am very irritated with people when they don't say Bless You after you sneeze. No, I don't care that i don't really believe in that stuff but I think it's a nice way to acknowledge someone LOL. DH thinks I'm nuts but it really bothers me.
Quote from: Sheen on April 21, 2011, 11:36:53 AM
For whatever to be fully effective you have to draw it out muffin., WHAAAT EVVVER lol
LOL, I just replied that I love your sense of humor in another post and came here and read this. ;D
"Whatever" means "I don't care...and...I'm not even listening!"
Yes.. there is "oh well", "whatever" and the ultimate drop dead term is "yes dear"... I think these are all commonly viewed as being negative when belted out as full sentences.
But God Bless? I find that to be an all encompassing term, hardly cheapened in any manner. I guess I'm a little surprised that this would even be questioned and I too am agnostic yet realize that the term/phrase is used as a positive.
A little more clear is "Oh, sure!" Not in agreement! ;D ;D
Here's a new one for ya'll... How would you respond to someone, for ex., dh perhaps, who, when he knows you're unhappy or upset, says, "Don't get your panties in a wad." Of course, said example always ends with, "Yes, dear." :-\
What I really don't like is the preface..."Now, promise me you won't get mad, OK...but...?"
Rose! That statment had better end with "Yes, Dear!" LOLOLOLOL.
I actually don't mind the "don't get mad." I really do need to be reminded of that. I get mad easily. Someone saying that to me puts me on guard and lets me turn off the emotions and turn on the logic. I work through the emotion before I say something I might regret.
That's why I try hard not to send to many mixed messages... Like the guy in the Lowe's parking lot the other day.. my end of the convo went more like this "hey butt-head, want to discuss your driving skills?" No hidden meanings, nothing passive/aggressive.. he knew where I was coming from
Quote from: Laurie on April 21, 2011, 12:44:26 PM
Yes.. there is "oh well", "whatever" and the ultimate drop dead term is "yes dear"... I think these are all commonly viewed as being negative when belted out as full sentences.
But God Bless? I find that to be an all encompassing term, hardly cheapened in any manner. I guess I'm a little surprised that this would even be questioned and I too am agnostic yet realize that the term/phrase is used as a positive.
LOL, you made me think of that cartoon with Daffy Duck (I think it was called the Hen Pecked Duck). Every time his wife said something, he replied, "Yes, ma love." I used to love that. Sometime hubby says it jokingly and we both laugh. I remember when cartoon used to be funny.....those were the days.
There's nothing wrong with "oh well" if it's prefaced by "You said Timmy is where Lassie?"
Don't get mad, you can bet your butt that by the time that is said I am already prepared to be ticked off. I do like the panties in a wad though that is pretty classic ;D Wonder how that would sound in Swedish lol
Good Evening Ladies, I'm sorry but this has been the first chance I've had all day to get on line. My grandchildren have about run me ragged today. LOL "I love it!"
Scoop ( I think is who ask me?) Why I say God Bless? I'll give you my reasons. I don't know if it will be what you are looking to hear?
I say it because I MEAN IT! I always say God bless to people. I refuse to believe I cheapen it in any way! I do hope God Blesses ME and ANYONE I come in contact with. And with some of what I read here and other places I believe we all could use a few blessings.
I do want to say, that it is not my intent to offend anyone. And I'm truly sorry if I have.
I say it to show that I care.
It brings sadness to my heart knowing that there are many families that are hurting!
I've seen where some people print out the words "HUGS" so I guess "GOD BLESS" is my way.
I do know some what you mean though scoop. I feel that way about some words also. I raised my children knowing that you don't say, "I love you or I'm sorry" unless you mean it. There are things that are said without no thought and I don't think its right either. But please believe that when I type the words "God Bless" that I do mean it! and it is said with meaning and thought.
Does that help you any to understand where I'm coming from? I hope so. It's okay if you don't agree with me or your MIL. It is just part of who I am.
Even my grandson told me today that he has remembered his prayers all week with great pride! So "God" is the center of my life and all around me soon learn this about me. I don't hide it is what I suppose I'm saying.
You didn't ask all this though did you? LOL Sorry. Have a nice evening.
OMG I am only 31 years old and I hate when people stay with me even for short times.(depending on the person) You are so normal my parents would be scrapping the walls if I had to move in with them. Infact I bet unless it was dire they wouldnt let me back in. Not that they don't love me but that they love their life free to do what they want when they want.
I lived with my FIL and wife before and after DH and I were married it was not fun and it really wasn't a good idea. Hopefully there visit won't last to long. But I would talk to your DH about it for sure.
Kennedy, I can tell you who wouldn't want their children and grandchildren around all the time - ME!! lol Not that I don't love them, but I raised four children, mostly by myself after my husband died, and while I LOVED being a mother, I am sooooo done with caretaking and mess and noise.
Now having said that, you are all going to laugh at me, or be disgusted, lol, I agreed this November to let my expecting 25 y/o daughter and her fiance to move in with me. When she first asked me, they were living in his parents tiny little house that contained a total of 6 people. I have a big house with only me. I also have MS and can no longer take care of it by myself. So she offered to help around the house and pay rent. My initial response was 'no'. She does not have a history of responsibility. She was extremely upset, but took my answer gracefully.
You know how sometimes you just know you made the right decision? Well I had the opposite feeling. It felt awful and wrong. After several sleepless nights, I decided she deserved another chance. And, happily, things are working out. The baby was born in January, they are wonderful parents, they are both working, they help around the house, they have their privacy upstairs and I do genuinely love them all.
However, I miss my peace and quiet. There is baby equipment everywhere, a crying baby in the house and the constant coming and going of two busy young parents. It is very stressful. It is not what I expected at this stage in my life (I am 56).
So I think it is perfectly normal to like being able to balance time with family and time for yourself too. It is not shameful to like having 'you' time. You got great feedback from the women here. I hope it helped. :)