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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Vent and need some advise
« Last post by conroemom on August 13, 2018, 03:55:21 AM »
Makes sense Stilllearning.

I have started pulling away from him. Letting him start conversations and not asking too much questions. Some days are good but most of them are not.
I wish I could crawl into his head and figure out what's wrong. He doesn't have much of a social life. And is always alone. I worry alot about him.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Vent and need some advise
« Last post by Stilllearning on August 13, 2018, 02:52:29 AM »
Hi C and I am glad you found us!! I am so sorry that you are faced with such an untenable situation.  I felt about the same way about my DS.  I went to the hospital with chest pains and was admitted from the ER and my DS could not even come by to give my DH a ride home.  Both my DH and I were livid and we certainly let my DS know.  Things did not change for us until I finally realized that I did not even enjoy my DS's presence because he felt like visiting us was an imposition and my DIL was texting every 5 minutes about when he was coming home.  She even went so far as to set a frying pan on fire on the stove and then call him to come rushing home.  It was ridiculous!  Anyway like I said one day I stopped and asked myself why I was struggling so hard to be around someone who made me so uncomfortable and mad.  I realized that my life was better (yes, better!) and happier if I did not include him or expect him to participate.

The next thing I figured out was that some holidays (Mother's Day, Christmas and such) were going to be difficult to manage without noticing my DS's absence so I started planning things.  There was one Thanksgiving when my DH and I decided not to have the big feast on Thursday because the weather was so wonderful.  We went canoeing on Thursday and I cooked on Friday when it was raining.  It was really liberating to realize that I could just shift the celebration around, Christmas did not have to be on December 25th.  So I started making plans for important days and letting my DS know what they were.  I stopped expecting him to show up (I knew he did not want to be there anyway) but I would tell him he could come if he wanted.

It was the most amazing thing.  Once I stopped pulling on him he stopped pulling away.  It was like I had been part of the problem by constantly demanding he change things.  I only had control over myself so the only way I could change the situation was for me to change the way I looked at things.  I started reciting my three mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) For things to change first I must change
3) What you focus on expands

I started practicing changing my focus.  When I thought about my situation with my DS I would tell myself number 1 and then work on changing my focus from that horrible situation to something that I enjoyed (like planning a camping trip).  My relationship with my DH was the first to improve.  He was so tired of trying to fix the impossible situation with my DS and so tired of watching me hurt without any way of making it better.  I never realized how unfair I was being to my DH until after it was over.

After a few months of loving detachment my DS realized what he was missing and has slowly moved into a better relationship with my DH and myself.  We are now seeing my DS and grands every Saturday (for the summer) and everyone enjoys it.  My DIL gets the day off from being a Mom, my DS gets help watching the children and I get the hugs and squeals that make my heart smile and brighten my life.

I know that I was fortunate with my eventual outcome but honestly when I pulled away it was out of desperation.  Things had to change, one way or the other.  I could not go on in the same way.  Period.  Quite frankly if it had turned out that I was estranged from my DS I think I would have been OK.  I just could not put up with being treated that way any longer and with the help from the wonderful women here I found my way of stopping the abuse.  After all no one can hurt my feelings  if I don't let them, right?

Anyway C, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to recover your former self from this horrible situation!  Hugs!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Vent and need some advise
« Last post by luise.volta on August 12, 2018, 01:47:43 PM »
Welcome, K. We ask all of our new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. I made two changes in your post to keep to our standards. Also, please consider changing your user name so there is no clue in it as to your identity. Remaining anonymous is what works best here. It is my Website, so I go by my own name. That's the only exception.

I found with my eldest son that his teens brought me 'enemy status'. Nothing had changed...but he did. I didn't understand back then that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't fix it.

I spent a long time in 'why' when there wasn't one...and defending myself to myself as though I was on trial. What finally surfaced for me was that I was choosing to be his victim and I could choose otherwise. I let him know that my home wasn't open to anyone focused on abusing me. I explained that I had a right to the sanctity of my own home. I also said it was very clear that living there didn't work for him and it was simply time for him to find something that did.

That wasn't what I wanted but I knew I was going to have to create my own solution and inner peace. My son wasn't going to contribute to that. I slowly moved through self-pity to self-respect. For me, they were very different. I sought friends and family that were supportive and activities that brought me joy. Slowly I healed.

Everyone here has a different story. We are here to listen and the share. We can't give advice but we can care. Hugs
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Vent and need some advise
« Last post by conroemom on August 12, 2018, 01:10:09 PM »
Yesterday was my mom's 79th Birthday. That morning I asked him if he would be there (my 20 year old son) he snapped at me anger and said yes. I don't know what I have done to him to treat me like this. Since he turned 14 he has changed and I don't understand why. His very smart and he has some good days (not many) He works hard almost 12+ hours Monday through Friday, he pays rent, 1/2 car insurance and he makes his car payments. His not a bad bad kid. But when it comes to me he treats me like he hates me, and I don't know why. I start questioning myself, what did I do to deserve this from him.

  anyways, at my mom's surprise birthday party I walked in and his sitting on the couch with this anger look. If looks could kill I would have been dead. I try to converse with him asking if he was a drink or cake or if he would like to bowl. he snaps at me and says no. I leave him alone and do my own thing, i noticed he got up and walked to my mom and gave her a hug and he walked passed me, I called out to him 5-6 times and he just kept walking never turning back to look at me. I can't believe he acted like this in front of my entire family.

 I was hurt, I started to cry, I texted him and told him that was rude and to do it in front of everyone, he texted me back saying "Oh well."

I know I am a good mom, I have done so much for him to treat me like this, and I don't understand why. Today we have not talked at all, and I simply don't want to interact with him at the moment. I have asked him in the pass what do I do to deserve this kind of treatment, I have asked him in the past why does he hate me so much. (he says he doesn't hate me.) But he doesn't answer why he treats me this way.

At times I feel like doing the same to him, so he feels what I'm feeling but I can't, it's not me. What can I do? How can I bring the sweet 11 year old kid that he was back. We use to be so close and we would do so much together. I know I'm not a bad mother, I've been so good to him. Please help.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My DD has left family
« Last post by Stilllearning on August 11, 2018, 07:36:22 AM »
Hi Strongdeb and welcome!  When I first started I used a user name that included my real name.  I have since changed it so that on the off chance that someone in my life reads my posts I can have some deniability.  You might consider this thought too.

I have tried more that once to answer your post, reread it and become dissatisfied with the answer and deleted it.  If you read my previous posts you can get my story and some of my thoughts. I have written about it so much that to me it sounds stale (hence the reread and delete problem).  Anyway a short recap would go like this.... When my DS closed the lines of communication I was desperate.  I constantly called him and texted him (and of course email) trying to figure out how I could 'fix' the situation.  I cried buckets and got to the point where I could not talk about anything else and basically turned into the person you avoid at parties because you know how they will trap you and keep talking and talking about things that you  don't want to talk about.   I don't know how my DH stood it!  He knew I couldn't 'fix' it.  He knew my future DIL was a nutcase (since diagnosed).  He just wanted his wife back.  Heck, I wanted the old me back too!! 

Then I found this website.  The people here said things like "you deserve to enjoy your life" and "your parenting days are over"  and "focus on the good things you have".  They were absolutely right.  If you have the time read my old posts for the full story and if you don't find the time please know that we are all very sympathetic with your current plight.  Drop by anytime and vent more or let us know what worked for you.  You deserve to enjoy your life, I promise!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Just a venting day
« Last post by raindrops_on_my_soul on August 04, 2018, 08:35:04 AM »
Thank you for your responses. It means so much to know you are here to listen  :)
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: New Here - So Glad to Find You All!
« Last post by Stilllearning on August 04, 2018, 05:09:15 AM »
Welcome O!  I spent way too long in your position.  My DIL's father even accused me of calling his daughter names (which I never did) and not only unfriended me but made it so that I could not see anything he posted.  They were over at my DS's house all the time and I never got invited.  The unfairness of it all invaded my life and took over every waking moment.  I tormented myself and everyone close to me trying to figure out what I could do to change it.  I turned into the wet rag at the party, you know, the one everyone tries to avoid because I sounded like a broken record.  Everyone knew I was right but what could they do about it?  And listening to me just brought them down, hence the wet rag thingy.  This went on for a couple of I said way way way too long!

Anyway my life was miserable and my misery was infecting the lives of everyone I loved.  And then one day I had an "aha" moment.  I suddenly realized that I did not enjoy my DS's company anymore (because I was always walking on eggshells) so why was I fighting so hard to be around him?  I was fighting to be around the DS I remembered, not the person he had become since he married.  So I stopped.  I stopped calling, texting, pleading and inviting.  Then they got pregnant and although I stopped by the hospital, I went the second day.  I wanted to avoid her family, who came in in droves the first day.  I really think it hurt my DS's feelings but I always thought that the wife deserves to have her family there more than the husband on the first day, after all she gives birth and he just watches in awe, right?  Anyway their oldest child is 5 now and my DS and I are finally getting to know each other as adults.  I like the man he has become and I try to tell him often.  I don't see my DIL often.  My DS brings the two grands over and spends the day and my DIL gets the day off from children.  Seems to work out for everyone.  But I digress, sorry!

How did I manage to stop texting and calling, right?  I still wanted to be around the wonderful person who moved out of my house and it was a painful realization that he no longer existed and he had been replaced by a person who honestly did not long for my company.  I had to respect his wishes even though it went against every fiber of my mothering nature.  I knew he had messed up and that he would most likely need me someday but he had to figure that part of the equation out for himself and my involvement just made it more difficult for him to face the facts.  So I adopted a few sayings and whenever I thought about his situation I would remind myself of them. 

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What you focus on expands

The third one is really crucial!  I had been focusing my entire life on how unfair my situation was and the more I focused on it the more the unfairness took over my life.  I looked around and found things in my life that I enjoyed and people in my life that I loved and I started focusing on them.  At first it took a lot of practice.  I wandered back to what I now call the abyss (because it sucked all the happiness out of my life) many times a day.  Then I would repeat one of the first two sayings and refocus my thoughts on more pleasant things like planning a camping trip or going for a walk or hugging my DH.  With practice I became able to avoid the abyss most of the time and my life became infinitely more happy.  I am not saying that I don't have my moments of guilt and regret but I no longer allow them to take over my life.  I am getting old and I deserve to enjoy my golden years.  I did the best I could raising my children and now they get to take over their own lives and learn their own lessons.  Their poor choices point out their lessons to be learned, not my mistakes in rearing.  I feel bad that my DS is now unhappy in his marriage and I would have liked to help him avoid that situation but....not my circus, not my monkeys.  What can I say?

Anyway OhGal, the point is that the fat lady isn't singing and your job is to enjoy your life.  We all wish you the best!  Hugs.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My DD has left family
« Last post by luise.volta on August 03, 2018, 01:51:09 PM »
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention the the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

What I learned with my son, is that what he did was about him not me. It was quite a revelation and I hated how helpless I felt. He was starting to make his own choices and imagining him learning from them...or not...was horrible for me. I had to grieve and then get past self-pity. There was no other way for me. I nearly got stuck there. I'm so thankful I found my way out of it and learned I wasn't dependent on him for my life to work. I learned, eventually, to create my own peace and joy...but it took a long time. I deserved it and I believe you do, too.

Others may have a different take on this. That's what a Forum is for. I hope you find something here that helps. Hugs...
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: New Here - So Glad to Find You All!
« Last post by luise.volta on August 03, 2018, 11:59:08 AM »
Welcome, O. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

I used to believe others could make us do something but in my relationships I find that to be a denial of responsibility. For instance, your son could have ignored the ultimatum given to him and continued on living in a war-zone, some do. Perhaps he opted for peace in his home and a peaceful environment for his children, as well as himself. Would you wish him otherwise?

My take with my own family has come to the place where, as adults...whether directly related or in laws, I  feels that they get to be who and how they are. Through the years, I have decided my job is to make my own decisions around my own sense of value and well being. It works better for me if I don't have any expectations that others will have the same perceptions...since they often don't.

And again from my own experience, which is the only place I can write from, my life hasn't never been fair. That's the nature of life.

None of the above may be pertinent to you. It's just all I have to offer beyond my interest and caring which are sincere. Hugs...
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Problem with my username
« Last post by raindrops_on_my_soul on August 01, 2018, 10:41:09 PM »
Ok, thank you for your response!
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