March 28, 2024, 01:29:24 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - shiny

1
Hello everyone!
Have been absent for awhile, but often read the forum.
I've made huge progress in my disappointing relationship with DS and DIL -- only because of changing my thinking.
This article may encourage those who are struggling.
http://sixtyandme.com/the-detachment-wall-how-to-let-go-of-your-adult-children
2
Luise, been thinking about your response and wondering why when I dialogue with a friend, spouse, etc., there's freedom to make a comment or give my opinion without any repercussions (most of the time).
Yet when I do that with DS/DIL, they get bent out of shape.
And I don't mean giving them unsolicited advice, but simply making a comment or asking a question can set them off.
IOW, walk on eggshells around my AC.
It's difficult to have healthy relationship with someone by doing all the 'listening' w/o being able to make a comment or opinion.
(Just listen, smile, and zip it)
Surely, not all parent/AC relationships are this way? Or is it just mine?
3
Grab Bag / Luise, thinking of you!
June 19, 2015, 01:38:57 PM
Miss you, too. Hope you are doing well ...
4
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Just checking!
January 29, 2015, 05:46:24 PM
Are all of you WWU doing okay?
The forum has been quiet for awhile ... And I didn't want to be the one to break the peaceful atmosphere!  (Having some difficult days lately)
5
Grab Bag / Thanks, Luise, and all!
December 29, 2014, 12:54:30 PM
I've been greatly helped by this forum the past few years. Some of my issues have improved, and some haven't. But I'm doing much much better, thanks to all you wise women!

Luise, you are a very special lady. Can you please move to the southern U.S. and be my mom?
I need one ...
6
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Which way to turn
November 12, 2014, 10:12:00 PM
Right now I'm like a deer caught in headlights...stunned.
Be
My AD has some sort of mental health problem so it's hard to reason with her.
We see her every few months and she just visited us several days ago. The visit seemed pleasant, and thought all was well. Said she would come for Thanksgiving.

Tonite I get email from her that she is not going to be part of the family any more b/c we did not stand up for her, but favored her DH over her.
This all came about because I emailed her DH and asked him for GC's clothing size. They've been separated for six years and the GC live with him.
Things are getting rather heated lately --probably headed towards divorce, and she's been out of control.
We really do stay out of their business and don't ask any personal questions. We've tried to not take sides, either and let them work out their issues without our interference.
We want to be a support for AD, yet she thinks irrationally. Would you call her blufff (or it may be real) and just leave her alone? I guess that means no contact anymore? I don't know what it means when she says she didn't want to be part of the family anymore.
I'm so weary of all the drama, her hurtful comments and threats to leave the family over some wrong perception of a small matter.
It just seems so wrong to turn your back on a troubled child. But I need to think about my sanity.
Any thoughts?
7
The past few weeks have been hard on my emotional health.

For past few years, my (married) AS has developed a short fuse and lashes out at me if I say something that he doesn't like.

About a half-dozen times, I've attempted to discuss some issues in our 'changing' relationship as two mature adults. All he will say is that what I feel is not true, and hangs up on me. Can't get anywhere.

I'm tired of pity parties. Tired of giving him and DIL my time, treasure and emotional energy with nothing in return.
(Example:  My birthday. They call late in the afternoon to say happy birthday. DIL's mother? It's a four day weekend with them at their lake house.
Here's another: Mother's Day? AS calls me that afternoon to see if I would like to meet him somewhere for dinner, while they were visiting at her FOO's home)

Please be honest. Is it immature of me to take these things so seriously?

I can't stand jealously and realize that it will eat you alive, but it hurts when things are not balanced.
It would grieve me if the situation was reversed, and I got more attention than her family.
People need to be considerate. My AS was raised that way but apparently he hasn't embraced it.

So, that's where I am today -- whether it's wrong or not.

Would like to cross to the other side, like some of you wise women have, and be free from all the negative feelings that tend to follow me lately. (regarding him and DIL and her wonderful FOO)

We still communicate briefly each week by phone and also email. But it's usually light conversation, like how are you, etc. He gives NO details about themselves to me or DH. Very private.

I know, I know ... I need to get a life and not "focus" on him.
(I've been on the forum for several years and have learned lots from all of you.)

Maybe, just maybe, I've reached a turning point.

Any tips on how to move forward?
I'm so thankful for all of you ...



8
Here I am again, reading older posts about how to move past the hurt and disappointment with my DS.
He's been married four years and they have a little one.

The good thing: I see GC frequently, and DS calls me weekly. We've always had close relationship, although it's changing since the marriage. I understand that's normal.

The hurtful thing: DS, DIL and GC spend lots of time with her FOO.
Mothers Day and Fathers Day went by and DS didn't make any effort to visit us, but they can go to her FOO's vacation home for the weekend.

This probably sounds like middle school stuff, but it's painful when we aren't considered.
I've mentioned several times to DS that we miss seeing them, or wish we could see you more, etc.
It seems to go in one ear and out the other and doesn't change a thing.
Frankly, I'm tired of sounding so "needy."
Just don't understand how they can be so inconsiderate, though, b/c DS is usually sensitive to other's needs. He really does have a big heart.
DH and I want to spend time with DS and his family, making memories with the little one, too.
What bothers me most is the unfairness of it all -- that DIL's family is treated differently.

If I don't nip this, jealousy will take hold and don't want to be enslaved to that ...

Tell me, someone, will this EVER get better?
9
For the life of me, I cannot decide whether to give DIL birthday gift this summer.
Over the last fours years of her marriage to DS, I've given her many gifts -- not just on special occasions, but just because ... Trying to show her in a tangible way that I love and accept her as family.
But she continues to grow colder and more distant to DH and me. Always civil and polite, but never taking initiative to email, call or visit. The last gift we gave her was n.i.c.e. And we got a formal email thank you. I'm beginning to think what's the use? It's now obvious that she doesn't desire any relationship with us, so is it ridiculous to continue gifting someone who doesn't care?
Will probably send a card though, so she will not think we're totally forgetting her.
Your thoughts?
10
Grab Bag / Struggling with elderly mom
March 20, 2013, 12:38:44 PM
Not only am I having relationship challenges with two AC, one DIL, and GC, but on other end of the spectrum, am sole caregiver for elderly mom who causes great stress for me. Is this the place for posting? Is it possible for another category for elderly parents and AC in the main section?
11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / A daily battle
March 04, 2013, 04:07:24 PM
As a newbie, I've yet to post the story about my situation, but I do want to participate in this helpful forum. After reading much of the posts here, I've been greatly encouraged from the various wise comments.
My AD is thirty-something and for the past eight years, our relationship has been one rocky road.
And no one knows why. Not one person in the family can figure her out. We have asked her till blue in the face if we offended her. No answer. We've asked for forgiveness if we have. No response.
So basically, DH and I have quit beating our heads against the bric wall, but it still hurts.
It's painful when the GKs had birthday party last week and we were not included. It didn't use to be this way when they were younger.
It's also painful when DH called her (after not hearing fom her for a month) and informed her of his cancer diagnosis, and she doesn't call him to see how he's doing.
I'm reminded of Luise's comment that we were whole people before having children and we can be whole again.
I understand now that it was MY expectation to have a loving, extended family when my kids were grown, but it is an unfulfilled expectation, and disappoints.
It is a daily battle to remind myself that I was a good and loving mother, whether she appreciates it or not.
Thanks for listening. I know some of you have it worse than me...
12
Last month I found this website while searching for some answers to relationship issues with my AC and DIL.
Have read many of the older posts, and have been greatly helped already! So, I want to thank all of the WWU posters, and Luise, for sharing their time and experiences to help other hurting souls.
There truly is much wisdom to be gained from your comments, and I have written some of them down in a notebook to refresh my memory when hurtful/confused times come up.
I wished that I had your help seven years ago when my troubles began to mount, but had to learn the hard way, and just go through it!
I'm still shy about putting my issues out here in cyberspace for now, but will continue to read and glean! And wanted you to know how appreciative I am for you. Thanks again.