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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: NewMama on November 05, 2012, 10:15:13 AM

Title: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 05, 2012, 10:15:13 AM
I felt like I had been doing a good job of detaching from my MIL and being ok with choosing not to confront her, for the sake of DH and DS not being in the middle. Lately though, I find myself getting very stuck in being frustrated and angry at her. I had hoped things might be getting better by now, but they only seem to be getting worse. Her jealousy towards anyone in DS's life is getting worse, and the passive-aggressiveness is getting way, way worse. Part of me wants to say something to DH, but she puts on a totally different act when he's around or listening, so I figure he'd just think I was over reacting. I'm dreading what she might do when #2 arrives in the spring - DH hates going anywhere with DS that involves long distance driving, so I know he really won't want to go anywhere with a toddler and a newborn. Which means less time visiting her, which means more blame put on me and more p-a behaviour towards me. He cancelled Thanksgiving on her last minute and of course I got stuck with the snarky comments about it. I feel like I'm very stuck in this circle of what-ifs and anger at the moment. Sprinkled with some pregnancy hormones on top.

I've been thinking about getting an ornament for my mom for Christmas, there's a local lady who does beautiful hand painted ones that she'll customize with names and such. If I come home with a grandmother one for my mom, DH will wonder why I didn't get one for his mom too. And I feel like I should for the sake of DH, but last time I went out of my way for her (her b-day) she repaid me by starting to schedule visits for when she believed I wouldn't be around. And boy was she not happy when it turned out I was actually around. I don't want to go out of my way and expense to do something nice for her at the moment, but I feel like I'm being petty if I don't and I should for DH and to at least say I'm trying.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 05, 2012, 11:02:14 AM
NewMama, I just wanted you to know I read this and I feel for you.  I can't give anyone advice right now because I am stuck in anger myself right now.  I just wanted you know I hear you!
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Scoop on November 05, 2012, 12:15:52 PM
NewMama - you gave the solution to your problems in your message.  If MIL can only manage to be civil to you when your DH is around, then don't be around her without him.  If she can't speak to you kindly on the phone, don't talk to her.  Invest in caller ID and let DH answer it when it's his Mom.

As for the ornament, it would be kind of you to get one for MIL.  Otherwise, DH's Mom is DH's problem.  With 2 little kids (soon), you'll have your hands too full to worry about gifts and cards for his side of the family.  He's big enough, strong enough, old enough and cute enough to figure out what his own mother wants for Christmas.  Tell him where you got it, send him the link to order one himself, but don't worry too much about doing it yourself.

I did this "pulling back" and I was AMAZED at how much *I* was maintaining DH & MIL's relationship.  Now, since I'm not putting in the work, it's sad, but neither DH nor MIL has stepped up to do the work on their relationship, and it's settled to a really low level.  Ah well, not my fault.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: jdtm on November 05, 2012, 12:38:13 PM
NewMama - every situation is different but I'll describe mine. 

I've been married for over 40 years and my IL's (particularly my father-in-law and sister-in-law) hated me.  In fact, that is the words used.  However, they were my husband's family and he loved them (and he always put me first).  So, whatever I gave to my mother, my MIL received; likewise my FIL and other family members.  Without fail, I did this for every Christmas, Mother's Day and Father's Day.  Our children have two sets of grandparents and I did not want them to see injustice on my part towards "the other side" and I loved my husband very much (there had to be some goodness in his family somewhere).  I find it so sad when "one side" of the family is considered to be lesser than the other.  To this day, I have no regrets.

Whenever my husband's family got together and we were asked (often times we were not), I always tried to "fade into the background" and not be noticed.  It seemed to work.  Over the 40+ years, I believe that my MIL actually likes me; my FIL and SIL still do not (don't know why but I guess it doesn't matter).  Our children did "see" what was occurring and it helped them to become good, kind and compassionate people.  One can be generous without being a scapegoat.  Like Scoop mentioned, I rarely spend time with his family unless my husband is present.  They like it better this way and it is easier on me.  And after more than four decades, it just is not important any more.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: pam1 on November 05, 2012, 02:38:23 PM
I think you have to do what you feel most comfortable with.  I see nothing wrong with buying your Mom something different than MIL. 

Maybe it's time for a change in the gift department anyway.  DH can pick out his family's gifts, maybe they'll even like it better that he chose for them.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 05, 2012, 03:48:01 PM
Pooh, I read your post as well, and boy do I feel for you too! I'm having a hard time lately holding back my inner mama-bear with MIL when  she's interfering with DS and I really feel like any time now it's going to come out.

Scoop, I started trying to detach some myself, and was feeling pretty good about it until lately. I stopped suggesting visits to him, however if he says he wants to go or can they visit I never say no. I see a change in their relationship too, I used to push him to visit if he was wavering, which he does frequently. We saw them probably half as much this summer as the one before (which was before this started). Every once in a while he'll ask me to send photos to him of DS so he can print them for his mom. I used to do this but stopped when the craziness started. I send him the copies, but it's up to him to print and mail them. And honestly, she's not getting as many as she used to. Thankfully she never calls me. DH and I have used our cell phones as our main numbers for years. So she always calls DH's cell. She mentioned how she thought she should call me but wasn't sure about my schedule. I do shifts (including nights) and it's quite wonky and there's no pattern to it. I made a point of saying that my schedule is hard to figure out and just left it at that. I think it's given us both a good out. I doubt she wants to talk to me right now, and I sure as heck don't want to talk to her.

I think I'm getting stuck in anger partially because we do have a new baby coming, and I'm getting myself twisted into knots over how she's going to react to all that comes with that. That my mom will be our on-call babysitter for when #2 decides to arrive (or get evicted). That there'll be more family gatherings following that she'll have to share with my mother - birthdays, baptisms, etc. Those should be happy things, and I'm still a little bitter that when I think about DS first birthday I associate it with the drama she caused between DH and I. I should've been able to enjoy that. I never thought about anything like that when awaiting DS. It also makes me sad (and maybe there is some grieving here) that even if she stops all this stuff, I think it's permanently damaged our relationship. I used to think she was incapable of behaving this way, and I don't feel like I'll ever trust that she wouldn't again. I can be civil, polite, and caring, but that will always be there.

I think I'll probably end up also picking up an ornament for her (this lady is a one weekend only at a craft show type of thing), because DH would appreciate it. He was very thankful for the things I did for her birthday, even if she wasn't. So I can suck it up for him :)
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 06, 2012, 07:31:44 AM
I do think that is your solution NewMama.  It's not in thinking about doing it for "Her" but in doing it for "DH".  I do all kinds of things I really don't want to do, for my DH.  He appreciates it, thanks me and that's all I need.  I do it for my love of him and I know that he would do the same.  Well, actually, he does.  He does alot for me too that I'm sure he wouldn't pick.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: DivaGirlDIL on November 07, 2012, 01:00:26 PM
Stop being alone with her.  If she calls let it go to voice mail.  I dont buy gifts for ILs his family he can do it.  He doesn't buy them if they are upset by it we don't hear about it.  Sorry pregnancies are stressful enough without drama.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: herbalescapes on November 07, 2012, 04:49:20 PM
NM, it sounds like we share a character trait that can be a big pain.  I am guilty of assuming there will be a problem with a situation (in your case, how holiday gifts will go, how MIL will act when #2 makes an appearance; for me it's usually about something with my DH) and I replay scenarios over and over.  Often, the problem I imagine never materializes or is much less of an issue than I imagine.  But I get all worked up and make my justifications and have "pre-argued" with DH unbeknownst to him, so I am crabby or on edge or impatient for no real reason. 

Try not to focus too much on potential problems.  You don't want to ignore them altogether, but don't make them a never-ending loop in your mind.  Maybe MIL wouldn't make a fuss if you bought just your mom the ornament.  Maybe she'll be an absolute angel with #2.  When you find yourself obsessing, take a deep breath and break the cycle.  Much easier said than done, I know.  I'd have the perfect life if I could manage to follow my own advice. 

If MIL (or anyone) wants to criticize, you evaluate the gripe.  If it's legitimate (you took MIL's car and got into a fender bender and didn't tell her) you apologize/make amends/etc.  If it's not legitimate (how DARE you get your mother a gift and not me), you disengage.  If they persist, get some catch phrase to repeat over and over (Bless your heart, Oh my, Hmmmmm, There you go, etc.).  If you refuse to defend yourself or participate in any type of argument about it, it'll be hard for her to keep it up. 

Good luck. 
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pen on November 07, 2012, 06:42:22 PM
Err on the side of kindness. Trust me, this MIL stuff can be pretty painful. Just be kind.

Re: the "new rule" that men buy for their FOOs, women buy for theirs -

With that logic, I guess I'm off the hook to buy DIL gifts since she's not in my FOO. She can return all the expensive spa day gift certs I've given her over the years; I could sure use a massage!


Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 08, 2012, 05:42:44 AM
Thanks everyone for the replies. Hearing from other helps me get some perspective.

DH threw me for a loop when he last minute cancelled Thanksgiving on MIL, and I knew she was going to take that out on me. And sure enough she did, telling DH it's ok and then complain to me that we were supposed to come visit and didn't. I used to push him to go when he did stuff like that, but stopped. I think next time he does it I'm going to have to tell him it's making my life miserable and to stop. Whether or not he believes his mother is acting that way remains to be seen.

The Christmas gift thing is interesting, I see different families doing it different ways. My brother has always done the shopping for our family, and SisIL does hers. DH and I used to each buy a gift for everyone, but when DS arrived we were perplexed as to where to put his name on gifts. We decided that instead of each of us buying a gift for someone else, we'd buy 2 or 3 three things and put from NewMama, DH and DS. So he does the gifts for his side now, and I do mine. I still end up with the longer list since my side is bigger, but DH seems way less stressed about Christmas now. He still doesn't get why my FOO buys him gifts, no matter how much I tell him that since he married me, they see him as 'one of us' now. And I see his family the same - they're my family now too, but he doesn't see things that way. He's also not a sentimental guy, and doesn't care for holidays. Part of the reason he doesn't get that bailing on his mom on holidays hurts her feelings.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pen on November 08, 2012, 09:44:01 AM
We thought of DIL as "one of us now" but she didn't want anything to do with us. If I discontinue giving gifts to DIL, can I still give to DS under the "new rules?" Do I then ignore the hurt feelings of DIL & the awkwardness of the situation?

Fair's fair - MILs & their FOOs deserve the same consideration DILs & their FOOs deserve. IMO.

My DIL likes to pretend that DS doesn't want to interact with us. What she doesn't know is that he calls us when she's not around. In his little way he lets us know he loves us & wishes he could be in contact with us more often. It's less stressful for him if DIL can pretend we don't exist, so he plays along.

Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 08, 2012, 10:01:45 AM
I think it boils down to our personalities Pen.  I personally wouldn't feel right buying for my YS and not my FDIL.  If OS was around, I would still buy for DIL even though we don't jive.  I would have felt bad buying for my FOO and leaving my Ex's family to him, because frankly, they wouldn't have gotten anything, left to him.  So I did the gift shopping for both of us because I felt it was right and I felt better knowing they were getting something.

DH even has 2-3 best friends he likes to get something for...which 90% of the time...I end up buying...Lol.  Not because he wouldn't do it, I'll just happen to spot something while I'm out shopping that I know they would like.  I actually could with this DH tell him he was in charge of his presents and I would be in charge of mine and he would never bat an eye about it.  He would do it.

That's not saying if someone else chooses to split up the duties that I feel they are wrong.  If it works for them, it works for them.  I think everyone has to do what works for them in their lives and marriage.




Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 08, 2012, 10:04:48 AM
That did make me think of a question though.  For those that leave his FOO to him as far as gift giving, do you do this across the board?  Like friends, his AC (if it's a blended family, etc.) 
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: pam1 on November 08, 2012, 10:37:28 AM
I see it much differently.  Even if DH buys for his FOO, it is still coming from our household and shared income and the gift is from both of us.  He is the one who bought it and delivered it, but it is from us.  It is exactly the same as before when I bought the gifts and insured delivery to his FOO, those gifts were also from our household and came from both of us to his folks. 

I'm not big on gifts anyway and almost always relieved when someone wants to change up the obligatory gifts by not exchanging.  So, if MIL wants to do that, I'm all for it.  But if she is using the reasoning for it because DH is now buying our gifts to her and she is upset that I'm not doing it, then it's just another mental note that she is looking for a reason to be upset with me.  But, that's only because of my exact situation and not what I would consider across the board in every IL situation.

Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: pam1 on November 08, 2012, 10:42:45 AM
Quote from: Pooh on November 08, 2012, 10:04:48 AM
That did make me think of a question though.  For those that leave his FOO to him as far as gift giving, do you do this across the board?  Like friends, his AC (if it's a blended family, etc.)

No.  In fact, I still give DH ideas for his FOO if I come across something that I think they would like.  If he already liked something for them and I'm out and see it, I will still buy it for him.  But it's on him ultimately to make sure they get it and bottom line, make sure he is still making an effort with his FOO since mine was not appreciated.  It is ultimately his responsibility in our marriage and there is no Pam will just take care of it all.  And then get sniped at for what I did do.  If they don't like it, DH deals with it.  It has taken a big burden off of me and him to do it this way, we both share the responsibility for taking care of our own FOO.  It is no different than another marital choice, such as who pays the bills or takes out the trash.

But, then again, neither of us think of gifts as others do.  I think it's a Love Language thing.

Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 08, 2012, 11:06:37 AM
Ok, so you actually share the responsilibility, the same way we do.

I was more curious about those that might have a DH (like my Ex) that wouldn't have bought anything if you left it up to them.  I'm not asking because I think it's the "wife's" responsilibity to do if they don't.  I personally don't think anything is the wife or the husband's responsiblity...I think all things should be shared.

In my Ex's case, because we went over to his FOO at Christmas, I would have felt awful if I had to sit and watch them hand us gifts and we didn't have anything for them because his lazy butt didn't do it.  Him?  Wouldn't have bothered him one bit.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 08, 2012, 11:17:20 AM
And I am lucky that we do very minimal gift exchanging now that I am with 2nd DH.  It's down to kids and just ourselves...it's very nice :)
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 08, 2012, 11:25:51 AM
Our list got huge at one point, when we first started living together and got married. It feels a little more under control now with separating it, and my GPs have since passed away. MIL will still get a gift for DH and a gift for me, but instead of getting a gift from me and a separate one from DH, she now gets two or three with "from DH, NewMama and DS". Last year we got a few gifts from her, which were household things that had no name specified on them so basically they were for both of us. DS's were the only ones marked. Shopping separately saves us the trouble of pestering each other for gift ideas for each other's FOO too.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 08, 2012, 11:32:18 AM
I just wanted to add, DH is good about shopping for special occasions, as much as he doesn't care for holidays. He managed his parents gifts for years before we lived together. He doesn't need me to do it (besides the wrapping) and he knows them better than I do in terms of what to get them.

I do know women that have husbands that would just simply not done any of it and not cared one bit.

Oh and DS's gifts take up 75% of the space under the tree now anyways, that's way more fun :)
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 08, 2012, 11:39:17 AM
It is!  I'm trying to refrain from filling mine up this year with grandson gifts...I mean...how much can a three day old use?  :)  Who am I kidding....
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: pam1 on November 08, 2012, 03:45:38 PM
Quote from: NewMama on November 08, 2012, 05:42:44 AM
Thanks everyone for the replies. Hearing from other helps me get some perspective.

DH threw me for a loop when he last minute cancelled Thanksgiving on MIL, and I knew she was going to take that out on me. And sure enough she did, telling DH it's ok and then complain to me that we were supposed to come visit and didn't. I used to push him to go when he did stuff like that, but stopped. I think next time he does it I'm going to have to tell him it's making my life miserable and to stop. Whether or not he believes his mother is acting that way remains to be seen.

The Christmas gift thing is interesting, I see different families doing it different ways. My brother has always done the shopping for our family, and SisIL does hers. DH and I used to each buy a gift for everyone, but when DS arrived we were perplexed as to where to put his name on gifts. We decided that instead of each of us buying a gift for someone else, we'd buy 2 or 3 three things and put from NewMama, DH and DS. So he does the gifts for his side now, and I do mine. I still end up with the longer list since my side is bigger, but DH seems way less stressed about Christmas now. He still doesn't get why my FOO buys him gifts, no matter how much I tell him that since he married me, they see him as 'one of us' now. And I see his family the same - they're my family now too, but he doesn't see things that way. He's also not a sentimental guy, and doesn't care for holidays. Part of the reason he doesn't get that bailing on his mom on holidays hurts her feelings.

I think bailing on someone, regardless of the reason or even it's a holiday isn't acceptable, unless there is an emergency.  So I understand your concern there.  I wonder if you can phrase it to him in terms of it being hurtful no matter what, irregardless of it being a holiday and no matter who he made the plans with.  And personally, I would just go anyways if I already confirmed my attendance and there wasn't a strained relationship with the in laws. 

Also, if it does come up with DH about you buying for your Mom but not MIL, then maybe it's a good time to discuss the differences between you too so he understands that it is not a diss to MIL, it is just something nice for your Mom.  It would be really difficult to go through the rest of your marriage buying the exact same things for your Mom and MIL.  Additionally, it sounds like you don't expect him to do for your FOO exactly what he does for his, so that might be another talking point. 

Pooh, DH has forgotten a few times.  I was embarrassed but had to learn to detach from it.  It was more painful to make sure DH and the ILs got what they all wanted (DH did seem to think once "I do" was said that I was automatically responsible for a lot of things to do with his FOO, unbeknowst to me.)  For some reason, whatever DH did before me was A-OK (he forgot then too or bought not so nice things) but once he married me, the ILs expected more.  But no matter what I did it was not enough.  So now they all have to deal with each other directly, they know they can't blame me anymore.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 08, 2012, 05:47:57 PM
Sometimes he can't see past the short term pain (3 total hours in the car with DS and him getting off schedule) for the long term gain (maintaining a relationship with his mom, fostering one between DS and her). We've given each other final say in plans with each others FOO for family events. It doesn't bother me to get DS off schedule for the occasional family function, but it winds DH up. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do Thanksgiving, but when he tells his mom 'maybe we'll come up' she assumes we're coming. It's one big miscommunication - he thinks he's just thinking out loud and she thinks we have a plan.

When he does that she comes across as very understanding (to DH) - it's ok, you're busy, don't worry about it, etc, etc. That's usually when I get thrown under the bus without his realizing it. Especially when he says we had dinner with my mom instead - who in reality said she would plan her dinner around whatever MIL wanted to do. She's aware of the tension and was trying to make things easier. MIL thinks I'm making DH go with my FOO, because he won't tell her he just doesn't want to drive.

I wish she would let into him about it, because it's not a nice thing to do. I think next time this comes up I'm going to have to say something. She probably never will, and I'm not sure he'll be convinced that it hurts her feelings. She's big on putting up a happy front to DH. When I told him he's hurt her feelings before (she looked absolutely crushed when he told her that DS is quite bonded to my mom) , he just couldn't see it. I think it's way easier for her to take things out on me instead of him.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pen on November 08, 2012, 08:07:02 PM
As a MIL I can totally understand your MIL's hurt feelings. If I had expressed understanding about my DS & DIL being too busy to have a previously planned dinner with me, only to hear they'd had dinner with DIL's DM instead, I'd be upset (and rightly so IMO) that I was essentially lied to and stood up. The wrong here isn't that DS told his mom about the dinner with DIL's DM, it's that she was dumped in favor of DIL's DM.

I was raised to honor the first invitation I accepted, not to dump the first one in order to attend a "better" one. It's kind of ingrained in me as being the polite and honorable thing to do, even if it's painful. And no one, MILs included, want to be lied to. I intensely dislike feeling as if my DS & DIL think I'm so stupid I'll fall for anything they say or that it's OK to not be straight with me.

A note about MIL emotions and annoying behaviors: I can't speak for all MILs, but I know in my situation my behavior around DS & DIL now is much different than it used to be. Being told by words and actions that one is "less than" can have an affect on one's behavior that isn't very attractive. I dislike the change in myself and am working to regain my previously fun, happy, loving nature. It's been difficult, with a few setbacks. Some compassion from DS & DIL would help  lot (but I'm not counting on it.)

Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 09, 2012, 05:14:20 PM
Pen, I wholeheartedly understand that it's difficult for my MIL. I just disagree with the way she's handling it, which mostly involves taking things out on me that I didn't do or had nothing to do with. I feel for her that being away from her only son and GS is hard. Especially when she hears about the things she'd like to be doing with DS that my mom is able to do - popping in for visits, babysitting etc. When this all started, I thought it was about me or something I'd done. Lately though, I'm beginning to see I'm mostly just getting scapegoated for the dumb things DH does. He loves his mom, but there's some big time taking for granted going on.

She's never ever cross with him, won't disagree with him, and won't call him on his bad behaviour when even I think she should. She poured everything she had into raising DH, and some of the conflict I've had with her is over blurring the line between mother/grandmother. She's very used to being the 'one and only mom' and now there's multiple other moms in DS's life - me, my mom, my stepmom. I never understood the whole conflict between MILs and DILs over the adult son's affections. I felt she's his mom, that's her place. I'm his wife and that's my place. I married him to have a partner, not mother someone else's grown child. I think that's why we never had conflict before DS arrived. Now she wants a mom place in DS's life - I've literally caught her repeatedly referring to herself as Mommy to DS. I chalked it up to a slip of the tongue the first few times. After about the 20th time? Not so much. She doesn't like me touching, picking up, playing with, comforting, sitting next to or feeding DS. I'm "allowed" to change his bum. Obviously, none of this goes over very well with me.

When DH does something stupid like cancel Thanksgiving, he doesn't tell her why, she'll just ask what we're up to, and he'll tell her we're having dinner with my mom. I offered to pack DS up for an overnight visit, or get him organized for a day visit, which ever DH preferred. My mom offered to plan her dinner around whatever MIL wanted to do. What MIL gets out of that is I'm forcing her son to have dinner with my own mother instead of her. So it gets taken out on me. My mother and I were both bending over backwards to accommodate her - but poor DH has a controlling wife in her eyes. It's way, way easier to believe I'm doing that than her own son is being so ridiculously inconsiderate and taking her for granted. I'm hoping that if I can get him to stop doing that, she'll back off me. I hope that in the future she'll learn to enjoy DS and his future sibling as their gma, instead of battling me over being their mother.
Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: Pooh on November 13, 2012, 09:29:10 AM
I think that's what the majority of all of our problems are here.  Doesn't matter if its a MIL//DD/DIL/DS, etc. problem.  It's misplaced anger of responsibility (what I call it).  Meaning instead of taking up an issue with the person responsible for it, they want to make a scapegoat out of someone else and that's usually the person that is actually trying to make the relationship work.  Then when that person has finally had their fill of it and steps back, everything starts crumbling and it must be "that" person's fault instead of realizing how hard "that" person must of been working thus far.

And just an observation on my part, but it seems to me that the person who's responsibility it usually is, isn't jumping up with their hand in the air going, "Ok, I did it."  They are in as much denial as the blamer so it works for both of them, and they also put it back on the blamer (That's just how they are, don't worry about it, just ignore it, etc, out-of-sight-out-of-mind).



Title: Re: I'm stuck lately...
Post by: NewMama on November 13, 2012, 04:26:07 PM
Quote from: Pooh on November 13, 2012, 09:29:10 AM
Then when that person has finally had their fill of it and steps back, everything starts crumbling and it must be "that" person's fault instead of realizing how hard "that" person must of been working thus far.

I think we've hit that stage. Even before all this started, I felt like we had to sort of make up for the fact that she would be the "away" GM.  And all those things I did, like reminding him to schedule visits or getting photos together for her, DH is the one who gets credit for it. He made the phone call about a visit. He handed her the photos. He gave her the bottle to feed DS. Since this started, I stepped back into what I feel is a more supportive role - if he says he wants to visit, I won't say no but I'm sure not offering myself to be treated like that anymore. We see them about as much as we did before DS was born, but not nearly as much during the first 6 months of his life.

I always thought they had this great mother-son relationship, and for the most part they do. DS's birth revealed a disconnect in their relationship that I never really noticed before. And I don't think they notice it either. DH brushed it off when I mentioned the jealousy thing to him, saying I was probably misreading things and he knows him mom better than I do. He was dumbfounded when I said she point blank admitted she was jealous. He really seems to forgot his mom is a human being with feelings and imperfections like the rest of us.