First let me say, I've been living alone for a lot of years now, and independent along with hate being smothered....
I work full time, and my schedule does not coincide with the schedules of others...it's my choice...however, where I live, people are retired...they're home all day...
So, I have this one neighbor, who is really sweet...just lost her husband a year ago and is very lonely...however, she refuses to remember my schedule is not hers...and comes over and sits and sits when I should be in bed...or she calls a lot and complains...however, does nothing to fix things, she just wants to complain...and that is the way she is, and I accept her for it, however, it is overwhelming me....
Well, I finally blew the other night...I didn't say hello to her the way she thought I should, so in the next few minutes when I'm in the house, she calls....and says, are you all right?
Well, I know it's an opening for a long drawn out phone call, and I told her right out...
Missy...your going to have to understand, I keep different hours then you do, and I work and you don't....when I come home, it's my much needed down time, and I need to go to bed early...yes, I've got some things on my mind and haven't been sleeping well, so I'm extra tired, but just b/c I don't say hello to you the way you would like me to, doesn't mean there is something wrong. And I felt awful afterwards, yet relieved that maybe sshe wouldn't call so much...it is never a short conversation with her on the phone, or when she stops over....then she tells me, "I think I'm going to return your cooler right now", and I go, "NO, Please DON'T, not now, I'll get it later...but I knew if she'd come over she'd stay....
I feel bad...however, she wasn't getting it, and I've been saying this to her for over a year now...it's interfering with my personal life and driving me up a wall....I really hate it when women want to complain and whine, and they don't want to do anything to help themselves, and without going into detail...if she doesn't get on it, and start taking responsibly, she's going to be out a lot of money.
What the whole thing boils down to, is her husband did EVERYTHING for her....which is so wrong...and so disabling...
another things which I haven't been able to figure out just yet...I have a very very close friend whom I adore there....we spend a lot of time together...she is an angel...lets call her Loretta....
Well, Missy made a comment to me not long ago....don't always ask Loretta to do favors, ask me now and then, and she yelled at me...well, Loretta and I help each other out a lot...it's just been that way since I've moved there....well, the other night, Loretta told me that Missy snapped at her....???? I don't know if Missy is hurt by our relationship? I've noticed, all Missy has is her family whom she is very close to...and they depend on each other...she doesn't have as many friends as Loretta and I do...
I have single girls night dinners and a movie for about 5 - 7 of us once in a while, and noticed that Missy doesn't talk nearly as much and that kind of wonders me? Maybe she is shy in a group? I dunno, but I'm feeling that something is a little off kilter here?
So, this might also be a good topic for discussion along with your inputs...and please remember, I have been trying to tell her this for over a year now...but she is not listening....
I don't want to hurt her feelings, however, it's becoming a nuisance...
What do I do?
Quote from: cremebrulee on August 19, 2010, 07:48:48 AM
What the whole thing boils down to, is her husband did EVERYTHING for her....which is so wrong...and so disabling...
I think you answered your own question with that line. I would think that since she doesn't know how to be independent, she doesn't know how to handle problems and is going to have to learn. And maybe her insecurities in not knowing how to do anything is causing her to feel insecure around you and girl's night because she sees how strong you all are? I think you needed to tell her what you did, but I am sure you feel bad that it happened the way it did and would have preferred to sit down and talk about it.
I have learned over and over again, you can't help someone that is not willing to help themselves. Bless you for being there for her for so long even though it is causing you problems. You have such a good heart.
Quote from: Pooh on August 19, 2010, 08:17:06 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on August 19, 2010, 07:48:48 AM
What the whole thing boils down to, is her husband did EVERYTHING for her....which is so wrong...and so disabling...
I think you answered your own question with that line. I would think that since she doesn't know how to be independent, she doesn't know how to handle problems and is going to have to learn. And maybe her insecurities in not knowing how to do anything is causing her to feel insecure around you and girl's night because she sees how strong you all are? I think you needed to tell her what you did, but I am sure you feel bad that it happened the way it did and would have preferred to sit down and talk about it.
I have learned over and over again, you can't help someone that is not willing to help themselves. Bless you for being there for her for so long even though it is causing you problems. You have such a good heart.
Thanks so much Pooh and I think your right...
the other night she called me, and complained about her illness....and she is sick...but she runs and runs, can't sit home and rest...and that's ok, but half her reason why she doesn't improve...? But she loves to complain about it....
I just am trying so hard to muster the patience, because I don't want to hurt her feelings, and perhaps I should sit down and talk to her...when the time is right....and apologize for snapping at her?
But yeah, everyone else is very strong...except one of the girls, she is very insecure, always, and doesn't say much, unless she and I are alone, but Missy, appears to have the right stuff, I think like you said, she just doesn't seem to know yet, how to put it into action...like for instance, she won't open her mail, b/c she's afraid of bills....????? She says, then she's got to sit down and write checks...but she's gettting herself into trouble...?
Anyway...let me tell you, honestly...I am so glad I am independent...there is no way a wife should allow her husband to do everything....this woman didn't get her taxes last year, so now she's questioning it this year?????
I mean, I think it's really really bad b/c men usually pass on before women do, not always but in a lot of cases, and here is the woman, now helpless...that is so sad....
I had so many chores growing up to do, and when I would complain about my long list, my Mother would always say, "I want you to be able to do anything and never have to depend upon a man for your well-being. I want you to find love because you deserve it. Not because you need someone to take care of you."
I had a wonderful role model growing up in my Mother and I have the up-most respect for how she raised me and raised my own sons the same way. They both learned to clean house, cook, laundry, etc.
I will say this though that I discovered about myself in my late 30's. The backlash of that was that I didn't know how to "need" anyone. I had to do everything myself. Because I was so independent, I forgot that men need to feel "needed". That is one of the things I struggled with after my divorce and in dating my current husband. I had to "allow" him to do things for me and it about killed me! Lol. He loves how independent I am, but also says he needs to be needed sometimes. He still has to remind me sometimes, when he is trying to do something nice for me, "Hey stubborn. Let me do this for you!"
I am still learning.......
Quote from: Pooh on August 19, 2010, 08:45:02 AM
I had so many chores growing up to do, and when I would complain about my long list, my Mother would always say, "I want you to be able to do anything and never have to depend upon a man for your well-being. I want you to find love because you deserve it. Not because you need someone to take care of you."
I had a wonderful role model growing up in my Mother and I have the up-most respect for how she raised me and raised my own sons the same way. They both learned to clean house, cook, laundry, etc.
I will say this though that I discovered about myself in my late 30's. The backlash of that was that I didn't know how to "need" anyone. I had to do everything myself. Because I was so independent, I forgot that men need to feel "needed". That is one of the things I struggled with after my divorce and in dating my current husband. I had to "allow" him to do things for me and it about killed me! Lol. He loves how independent I am, but also says he needs to be needed sometimes. He still has to remind me sometimes, when he is trying to do something nice for me, "Hey stubborn. Let me do this for you!"
I am still learning.......
Yanno Pooh, I have thought about that a lot....I was forced to be independent since I was a child....and while being married, I now believe what you say holds a lot of water....
How does one need someone else...?
Believe me, that is why I'm single....I honestly don't believe I know how to need someone?
Quote from: Pooh on August 19, 2010, 08:45:02 AM
The backlash of that was that I didn't know how to "need" anyone. I had to do everything myself. Because I was so independent, I forgot that men need to feel "needed". That is one of the things I struggled with after my divorce and in dating my current husband. I had to "allow" him to do things for me and it about killed me! Lol. He loves how independent I am, but also says he needs to be needed sometimes. He still has to remind me sometimes, when he is trying to do something nice for me, "Hey stubborn. Let me do this for you!"
I am still learning.......
I understand this entirely. I was raised in a tough love environment and after my failed first marraige, there was never any other choice than to face the facts that I had a child to raise on my own. So off to college I went, I had never thought that I would have to "dump" my child at daycare while I was in school, but I also knew I had 16 more years that I had to be 100% responsible for my child, physically, financially and emotionally.
So ten years later, after I've remarried, I find that my husband often says the very same things about me not needing him. After all the chaos his mom has caused in our relationship, he will jokingly say "you need a man that will always put you first, you deserve much better than me..."
and I will joke back to him, "no honey, I've
NEVERneeded you or any man for that matter,. So don't worry, if I ever plan to leave you, it definitely won't be for another man, it would be for
ME.
But yeah, everyone else is very strong...except one of the girls, she is very insecure, always, and doesn't say much, unless she and I are alone, but Missy, appears to have the right stuff, I think like you said, she just doesn't seem to know yet, how to put it into action...like for instance, she won't open her mail, b/c she's afraid of bills....????? She says, then she's got to sit down and write checks...but she's gettting herself into trouble...?
Anyway...let me tell you, honestly...I am so glad I am independent...there is no way a wife should allow her husband to do everything....this woman didn't get her taxes last year, so now she's questioning it this year?????
I mean, I think it's really really bad b/c men usually pass on before women do, not always but in a lot of cases, and here is the woman, now helpless...that is so sad....
[/quote]
Please bear with me...I'm still trying to figure out using the quote section of this forum. ???
Anyway, Creme...I'm not sure where you live, but as you said everyone around you is retired. In my area, there are often free classes to retired aged persons for general basic computer usage, and taxes, etc,. The vocational school in our area offers them, and also a job training place does. Heck, my own parents took the free computer classes and their not quite retirement age.
If you were able to locate something like that in your area, it might be good to offer to take the classes with her?? That way she wouldn't be alone in the endeavor.
QuoteAnyway, Creme...I'm not sure where you live, but as you said everyone around you is retired. In my area, there are often free classes to retired aged persons for general basic computer usage, and taxes, etc,. The vocational school in our area offers them, and also a job training place does. Heck, my own parents took the free computer classes and their not quite retirement age.
If you were able to locate something like that in your area, it might be good to offer to take the classes with her?? That way she wouldn't be alone in the endeavor.
That is a great idea....Thank you!!!!!
I don't know how to tell anyone to get there. For me, it was self-awareness and talking to male friends. During my divorce and after, I took a good long look at myself. I read books, I attended seminars and went on a path of self-discovery. I was so angry at my ex for how he left and the viciousness he was displaying during the divorce, that I needed to resolve that within myself. In doing so, I also wanted to know what part I played in the failure of my marriage. I had several guy friends, and I asked them. I have a couple that were very forthcoming and told me a lot about how men think. That was one of the things they said about me. One told me it would be hard to be married to a woman like me.
Yep, you guessed it. Ticked me off but I listened to what he said. I asked and I wanted to know. Two of the things that stood out about me was that I didn't need a man. I was capable of doing anything and everything and he said that was very intimidating. He said that men needed to feel needed and wanted. He told me that being very secure and confident was extremely attractive to men, but it had to be tempered with a dose of "need". He also told me that I had focused much of my attention on my sons and their activities. That I had made being a Mother my top priority, and that I had not given my marriage much attention. OK, that one hurt. And although I had every excuse in the book of why I had to, and rightfully so because of his lack of helping, it was still true.
Now, he is a really good person and he followed that with, "I know you had to because of how he was. I am not saying it was your fault, I am saying that you were with the wrong person. You needed someone that appreciated you and was grateful for everything you do and wanted to help and carry their share. You didn't have that."
I had to quit making excuses for what I did and accept the fact that I had done them. Everything he said was true and I also had to make a conscious decision to change. It would have been easier to just say, "I am who I am and if someone wants to love me, they have to love me for who I am." But that meant I would have picked someone just like I did the first time. Someone that didn't care if I took all the responsibility off of them. In order to be in a healthy, loving relationship, I had to be willing to find a balance in my Independence that allowed room for "allowing" someone to help me.
And that is what I have now. My DH is a very loving, caring and unselfish person. But trust me, it wasn't easy. When we dated, he would go to open the car door for me and I would grab it going, "I got it." He would just stand there, raise his eyebrows and say, "I know you are capable of it, but I would like to do it." We lived an hour away from each other and I will never forget when I got the flu. I am one of these people that doesn't want to be bothered when I am sick. I don't want someone hovering and playing nurse maid. I had talked to him on the phone earlier and let him know that I was very sick and would talk to him later. I fell asleep on the couch running a 102 fever and when I woke up a couple of hours later, he was sitting there in a kitchen chair, just staring at me. I about died. There he sat, a container of Chinese soup on the coffee table and a big glass of sprite. I remember thinking, "How stupid that he drove all the way over here and I was capable of taking care of myself." He just smiled at me and said, "Feel better" and left.
A couple of days later when I was feeling better, I told him that it was so totally unnecessary for him to drive all the way over. He said, "It was unnecessary to you, but necessary for me. I was worried and wanted to see for myself, that you were taken care of. I didn't stay and bother you, but I needed to check on you." I think it was at that moment that I realized that it wasn't about me, it was about us. He allowed me to be independent by not staying around me hovering, but he also needed to feel like he had helped.
And that was it. I knew then that my independence was a great thing but also holding me back in some ways. I can tell you now, 3 years later.....it is wonderful to know that I can be strong but willingly weak. It's OK. I never had anyone tell me that it was OK to need someone and let go. We don't have to be strong all the time. There is a huge strength that comes from being vulnerable and having someone else there to be the strong one. And he is my priority now. I still have all my friends and activities, but our marriage comes first. No matter what else is going on in our lives, we always remember to take time for each other. Sometimes that means just really listening to a recount of a bad day and at other times, when life gets so busy, we have both had to say, "Hey we need quality time," and set everything else aside and do something together.
Is is easy? Nope. I still get fussed at for not letting him do something. I was doing dishes last night and he walked up behind me and said, "Here, let me finish. You relax." I immediately went, "I'm almost done. I got it." I heard the sigh and turned around and handed him the dish rag. I kind of grinned sheepishly and went, "Thank you." The smile on his face was worth every bit of letting go.
Quote from: Pooh on August 19, 2010, 10:48:19 AM
I knew then that my independence was a great thing but also holding me back in some ways. I can tell you now, 3 years later.....it is wonderful to know that I can be strong but willingly weak. It's OK. I never had anyone tell me that it was OK to need someone and let go. We don't have to be strong all the time. There is a huge strength that comes from being vulnerable and having someone else there to be the strong one.
Quote from: Pooh on August 19, 2010, 10:48:19 AM
Is is easy? Nope. I still get fussed at for not letting him do something. I was doing dishes last night and he walked up behind me and said, "Here, let me finish. You relax." I immediately went, "I'm almost done. I got it." I heard the sigh and turned around and handed him the dish rag. I kind of grinned sheepishly and went, "Thank you." The smile on his face was worth every bit of letting go.
Such wise words, that I think I really needed to hear....Thank you Pooh
QuotePooh
I don't know how to tell anyone to get there. For me, it was self-awareness and talking to male friends. During my divorce and after, I took a good long look at myself. I read books, I attended seminars and went on a path of self-discovery. I was so angry at my ex for how he left and the viciousness he was displaying during the divorce, that I needed to resolve that within myself. In doing so, I also wanted to know what part I played in the failure of my marriage. I had several guy friends, and I asked them. I have a couple that were very forthcoming and told me a lot about how men think. That was one of the things they said about me. One told me it would be hard to be married to a woman like me.
First let me say, this was an absolutely beautiful story...thank you
I did the same thing, and someone said the exact same thing to me....counselor even told me I intimidated my husband....
QuoteHe said that men needed to feel needed and wanted. He told me that being very secure and confident was extremely attractive to men, but it had to be tempered with a dose of "need".
yanno, my counselor told me the same thing, however, she said that the wrong kind of men make it they're career to try and break you, so, she said, be very careful you don't choose another like that. But, yes, I am understanding what your saying...
QuoteNow, he is a really good person and he followed that with, "I know you had to because of how he was. I am not saying it was your fault, I am saying that you were with the wrong person. You needed someone that appreciated you and was grateful for everything you do and wanted to help and carry their share. You didn't have that."
He was more then just a good person, he was very intune to others, understanding the needs of both genre....
QuoteI had to quit making excuses for what I did and accept the fact that I had done them. Everything he said was true and I also had to make a conscious decision to change. It would have been easier to just say, "I am who I am and if someone wants to love me, they have to love me for who I am."
It was the very same way with me, and when I began to do that, was when most of my questions were answered...you see, it isn't always about the other person, but how we react to them....or at least, that is one of the things I learned....
QuoteBut that meant I would have picked someone just like I did the first time. Someone that didn't care if I took all the responsibility off of them. In order to be in a healthy, loving relationship, I had to be willing to find a balance in my Independence that allowed room for "allowing" someone to help me.
I get that and can totally relate....however, in my case, my ex controlled me to the hilt...and now, I'm enjoying the independence so much, that I don't think I'd ever be a good companion anymore....?
Quote"I know you are capable of it, but I would like to do it." "It was unnecessary to you, but necessary for me. I was worried and wanted to see for myself, that you were taken care of. I didn't stay and bother you, but I needed to check on you."
Sighs....I think I'm in love....LOL...hun, they don't make em like that anymore...oh, they're out there, but finding them is another thing...you are one very lucky lady...he's a keeper!
Quote"Hey we need quality time," and set everything else aside and do something together.
used to always tell my son, always, always plan special time together, it's so important...
QuoteIs is easy? Nope. I still get fussed at for not letting him do something. I was doing dishes last night and he walked up behind me and said, "Here, let me finish. You relax." I immediately went, "I'm almost done. I got it." I heard the sigh and turned around and handed him the dish rag. I kind of grinned sheepishly and went, "Thank you." The smile on his face was worth every bit of letting go.
OMG, please give that man a great big hug for me...what a special guy...he really loves you, but more so, respects the you of who you are....honest, you don't find that much, and it makes me so happy to read this...I'm almost in tears....happy ones....thank you so much for sharing...
Now where do you live so I can come and borrow him now and then...LOL
Hugs and many blessings sent your way...
Creme
Lol. That is what everyone tells me. My Mom, my girlfriends, even my coworkers try to kidnap him! I truly know how lucky I am to have found someone like him. Truth be known, he actually found me. I had no intention of dating EVER again, let alone marrying. (Famous last words of someone hurt).
I know he is a rare find nowadays, but I will tell you my opinion on how he got that way. He had loving parents and the same type of upbringing we talk about (chores, responsibilities, discipline), but he was sandwiched in between 2 sisters (4 kids total) and spent hours with them. Their story is that they tormented him, making him play girl stuff all the time and as teenagers, bombarded him with girl stories.
His story is that they tormented him, making him play girl stuff all the time and as teenagers, bombarded him with girl stories but that he paid attention because he figured it would help him get dates! Lol. He will tell me now that he was a bit of a Romeo, because by listening to his sisters, he figured out what girls wanted in a guy. It served him well as a teenager, but he also had a bad marriage of 17 years where it was the opposite of what we are talking about. He ended up being the giver constantly, and she was the taker. After she left him, he also decided that the next relationship would have to be equal. So I think growing up closely with his two sisters, he has a lot of insight about women.
Ironic, by his ex being so selfish, and my ex being so selfish, it made us both appreciate each other that much more. But I think it truly goes deeper than that. I could tell you things that would make you get goose bumps about us. For example, we both attended the same concert in 1984, although we lived in different cities. We hung out at the same places as teenagers. In talking, we have determined that as teenagers, we crossed paths at least 20 times, but never met. Then after both of us married, never crossed again until he was divorced and I was in the middle of one. I had a really good friend in school, and I lost track of her after graduation. I was telling my DH about her about 2 weeks before our wedding and how I had been looking for her for 20 years. When I told him her name, he looked at me funny and described her perfectly. He had worked with her for 10 years! He put me in contact with her and we had a joyous reunion at my wedding!
I know we try not to cross religion into things, but we both truly believe that "A Higher Power" put us back together and said, "OK, kiddos....I tried every way in the world 25 years ago...this is my last shot at it." The first time he kissed me in the driveway of my house, a shooting star went overhead and I yelled at it, "OK OK....I'm listening!"
And Creme, I keep telling you my wonderful story of my DH and I, not to make you jealous or sad. I want so much for you to find true love. I know you keep saying you love your independence, and I understand that. But I also understand building up brick walls around your heart so that no one ever, ever hurts you again. I did it for years. I too have horror stories in my past that are my dragons to slay. My walls had been up since I was 12.
From reading all your posts in here, I see the courageous woman you are. I see someone that did anything she had to, to survive. I see a women full of spirit, wit and compassion for people. I see you using humor and bluntness to say, "This is me, and I will never let anyone hurt me again." Where do you think I get my wit from?
Such wise words, that I think I really needed to hear....Thank you Pooh
Thank you Sunny. I love your idea of attending classes with Creme's neighbor. Great idea!
Quote from: Pooh on August 19, 2010, 11:49:46 AM
Lol. That is what everyone tells me. My Mom, my girlfriends, even my coworkers try to kidnap him! I truly know how lucky I am to have found someone like him. Truth be known, he actually found me. I had no intention of dating EVER again, let alone marrying. (Famous last words of someone hurt).
I know he is a rare find nowadays, but I will tell you my opinion on how he got that way. He had loving parents and the same type of upbringing we talk about (chores, responsibilities, discipline), but he was sandwiched in between 2 sisters (4 kids total) and spent hours with them. Their story is that they tormented him, making him play girl stuff all the time and as teenagers, bombarded him with girl stories.
His story is that they tormented him, making him play girl stuff all the time and as teenagers, bombarded him with girl stories but that he paid attention because he figured it would help him get dates! Lol. He will tell me now that he was a bit of a Romeo, because by listening to his sisters, he figured out what girls wanted in a guy. It served him well as a teenager, but he also had a bad marriage of 17 years where it was the opposite of what we are talking about. He ended up being the giver constantly, and she was the taker. After she left him, he also decided that the next relationship would have to be equal. So I think growing up closely with his two sisters, he has a lot of insight about women.
Ironic, by his ex being so selfish, and my ex being so selfish, it made us both appreciate each other that much more. But I think it truly goes deeper than that. I could tell you things that would make you get goose bumps about us. For example, we both attended the same concert in 1984, although we lived in different cities. We hung out at the same places as teenagers. In talking, we have determined that as teenagers, we crossed paths at least 20 times, but never met. Then after both of us married, never crossed again until he was divorced and I was in the middle of one. I had a really good friend in school, and I lost track of her after graduation. I was telling my DH about her about 2 weeks before our wedding and how I had been looking for her for 20 years. When I told him her name, he looked at me funny and described her perfectly. He had worked with her for 10 years! He put me in contact with her and we had a joyous reunion at my wedding!
I know we try not to cross religion into things, but we both truly believe that "A Higher Power" put us back together and said, "OK, kiddos....I tried every way in the world 25 years ago...this is my last shot at it." The first time he kissed me in the driveway of my house, a shooting star went overhead and I yelled at it, "OK OK....I'm listening!"
Pooh, believe me....I've heard so much about this stuff...destiny, higher power....whatever....? But it never ceases to amaze me....yanno what I think....well, maybe you don't but your going to hear it anyway...LOL....by the way, I'm grinning from ear to ear.
I think you and your now husband, were meant to be right now in this time, perhaps if you had gotten together before, it wouldn't have been as good....what you both went thru, prepared you for one another....you both became so much more aware....and grown up....think about it....(wink) ya can't fight mother nature. LOL all in her own time....she isn't rushed...is she? LOL....
I'm so so so soooooooooooo Happy for you....you need to write these things down kep a diary so that this is left for your children to read and learn from....a keepsake and testimoney of happiness and how it should be....
Hugs to you and to hubby....he deserves a great big hug and kiss tonight....
and you girl....deserve every happiness....you go girl!!!!
I always want to hear what you think! Good or bad. That's exactly what we have say to each other. That we would not have appreciated each other if we didn't know what it was like to not be appreciated.
Good Morning Girls...
I'm bringing this thread back up, b/c I'm still having problems with this neighbor. I've tried talking to her in general, telling her the last thing I want to do when I come home from work is go visit people or talk to people...I've got chores to do....however, she still calls me and says, I'm coming over, and if I allow her to, she sits, sits, sits, and doesn't leave. She is smothering me....she makes very inappropriate comments.....here are some things she does.
4 of us girls were sitting in a resturant, and they asked me what they could bring to our dinner party we were having....I said, anything you want...one of the girls said she was bringing a dessert....I said OK, and the other said what they wanted to bring....then this woman says, I'm bringing a dessert to....and I looked at her and said, Well, there are only going to be 4 of us this time, we don't need two desserts? She opened her mouth as if I tore off her arm, and acted out....so I said, ok, you girls work it out....so the other woman who first said she was bringing a dessert, said, well then, what am I going to bring, and one of the girls who was really disgusted said, "bring pickles and olives".
Last night my sister called, and this woman was walking her dog, she walks up to my open window, behind me and yells through the window..."I see you!" real loud, without any consideration for my privacy.
God, this woman is driving me nuts, she calls me sometimes twice a day...if I'm home sick, she calls me and I tell her, I don't want to talk now, I was sleeping....??????
Now, let me tell you, talk about small worlds....she says to me, "I was telling my brother about you, and he says he thinks he knows you". I asked her what her maiden name was, and when she tells me, to myself, not outloud I go, "OMG, no wonder!" We used to live in an apartment complex years ago, when my son was little and there were a great group of people living there...however, her brother lived there with his wife, and everyone disliked him emensely. He was a nosy busy buddy and used to do and say off the wall stuff like his sister....and no matter how hard you'd try to avoid him, you'd actually have to be nasty to him for him to get the picture, and even then, afterwards, he'd start up again. I really don't believe they're parents taught them that other people have personal boundaries, and this woman is presently driving me nuts.
She waits and watches for me, and asks me why I was over at so and so's house...and why don't I ask her to do favors, instead of so and so, and by the way, so and so and I, clicked from the first moment we met and have been close friend since. It's like we've known each other all our lives.
So, I allowed this woman to do me a favor, by picking me up to have my car worked on, and on the way back she pretends to run off the road...swearving...and I almost literally pee'd my pants....sorry, but it scared the begeezes out of me, and I told her, I was in 4 accidents, none of which were my fault and it's difficult to drive with others, let alone her pullling a stunt like that...? Really mad me angry, but she just kept laughing?????
OK, so she has already made some comments about so and so....which I don't like at all.....and now, the other night she was waiting for me, and invited herself along with me to walk our dogs together...that alone makes me crazy....as I enjoy my alone time and find in very necessary in my life......I love being alone...and she is really driving me nuts.....if she sees me leaving in the car...."Where are you going" If we, (my dog and I) walk past her house, she invites me in, and when I say, no thank you, I've got to get going, she starts mocking me about my schedule....or if I say, I'm having company for dinner, then it's, "whose coming"????? I should come right out and tell her none of your business....I'm very close to screaming, and it's really interferring with my personal peace and quiet....everytime I turn around or do something, she is there??????
Where I live, most every one keeps to themselves....the single girls there are not smothering in the least.....this woman relies on family and has no friends, and I know why? However, she only lost he husband a year ago, and I feel sorry for her, however, I cannot be her rock, and she is overly co-dependent on the lives of others....she drives me nuts, the littlest things bother her, and she talks about nothing, b/c her world is so small....like her daughter said to her, that she was ignoring this man they wanted her to meet, and she goes on and on about this, and kicks the dog until it's dead and keeps on kicking it, and when I say to her really frustrated, "Leave it go, it's a little thing", she keeps on going...she doesn't hear what your saying....
As I explained, I tried talking to her in general, telling her that I can't be smothered, but for some reason, when I'm nice to her, she feels entitled to interfer with my life????
I don't want to be nasty to her, and I'm sorry to say, I'm starting to really not like her?
However, she has no friends and I've included her in our group to give her something to do, to help her meet the other gals....but I feel she is really getting on they're nerves at times....?
From time to time, I host a dinner and movie night for us all and we go out to eat every Friday night and have invited her...and perhaps this isn't a big thing, but the last time we all got together, she was watching her grand daughter, and asked if she could bring her along....and I said, sure, b/c I love kids....but I don't believe one of the other girls liked it....and well....it didn't bother me, and we watched Marmaduke for her sake....b/c I won't watch something that is inappropriate for children
So, what the heck shall I do....I know I'm playing the victim here, but there is another side to this, I feel bad for her b/c she is alone, however, I feel like I'm going to explode and say things to her that are not nice.
She is way over stepping her boundaries, and she complains, complains, complains and tells me all about her finances, and personal things, I don't want to hear or know.
She has a very enjoyable humorous side to her, but loves to sit and complalin about EVERYTHING...and really doesn't wants answers, just loves to complain....and actually asks for your opinion, however, doesn't like it when you give it to her...and looks for all the reasons why she should not do what you've suggested????? God, those kind of people really make me crazy?
HELP?????????
About me: I know it is going to sound weird, but I don't need people...I am socializing all day at work and on the phone, and my alone time is so valuable to me....it's my sanctuary....along with my home....I used to love where I live, b/c everyone keeps to themselves....they are nice and friendly and talk now and then, however, they are not clingy....nor do they call all the time or stop by all the time....
Oh my, Creme....she sounds like a doosey.
I think as woman we often have that need to fix things nature about us, our empathy runs deep, doesn't it? Come to think of it though, it sounds as though that may be part of what she is lacking.
If both she and her brother carry these same odd traits, you're probably right on about her lack of a proper upbringing as well. However, I fear there may not be a pretty fix to this.
Clear and frank boundaries and being forceful with them might be an option. It sounds as though she's never had them. when she calls tell her, "friend I'm busy today, call me in x amount of days when I have more time", then when she doesn't comply and calls later in the day, it's time to be very assertive. Remember, she has no empathy for your feelings, just self pity...so I hate to say don't count on her understanding, but I'm going to say it anyway...Creme, don't count on her ever understanding. :-\
Sometimes...you just can't teach and old dog new tricks, especially if she's too engulphed in kicking her dog to death. Maybe it's time to let the friendship go for the sake of your peace and sanity.
(((hugs)))
yeah, well that's the hard part....I know your right, but letting the relationship go, I don't think is an easy option, she lives right next to me....well, actually across the street, and she can see my place from her home. Plus, when I invite the girls, she will see that they are there, and Sunny1, I would hate for her to hurt.....
however, maybe if I explain to her, that if she continues this behavior, that will be the end result? Maybe it will wake her up...however, she is older, and you can't teach an old dog new tricks....and she does have a valid health problem....maybe some how, I can figure out how to deal with the little things, like the telephone calls, and make her understand, that I don't want her or need her in my life every single day....? Somehow, without hurting her feelings.....I know the night she came out with her dog, I said to her, "I've got to go the other way, otherwise, my dog won't go, he'll be to excited to play, and this is our last walk before we go to bed"....I know she was hurt, I could feel it, however, she has got to learn....she can't smother people....and no one else there would put up with this....these people really do keep to themselves.....matter of fact, one of my friends asked me how I put up with it...and I just smiled and said..."oh well?" LOL
This poor woman has no girl friends and I understand why.....and actually, I feel sorry for her, and yet, I feel sorry for me to...so, I've got to figure out something?
Dang Creme. Wow...there really is no easy way out of this one. You have tried all the "nice" things and she's still not getting it. I'm afraid you are only going to be left with one solution, and that is to completely cut her off. Coming over all the time, phone calls and such is something you could deal with, but asking where you have been and who is coming over, etc...is definately crossing the line. She is obsessing and that's not good.
I know you want to be nice and I would too, but it sounds like nice isn't going to work with her. Time to be stern and do what you suggested. Tell her that if her bahavior keeps up, you can no longer be friends because it is disruptive to your life. It stinks because you live across the street, but you have been a good neighbor and friend including her and trying to make her understand.
LOL - Creme, I can understand where you're coming from. And I'm sorry, I'm giggling a bit right now, because my grandmother is having the same exact issue with the lady that lives accross the hall from her at the assisted living house. My grandmother is just the sweetest lady, she's a true old-fashioned, well-mannered "southern belle." I've never heard her speak harshly of another person in my entire life. She just says "well, bless her heart!" She's such a peach!
But I went to visit her just a few days ago and she invited me into her room, quietly closed the door, and whispered to me "I've got a new neighbor-lady accross the hall. She's been here a week and she's driving me bonkers!" Apparently Miss Eva had already barged in on grandmother's canasta game, invaded her space enough that my dear-old-sweet-grandmother had already slammed the door in her face....twice! LOL - while we were talking, Miss Eva gently knocked on the door, but didn't wait for an answer, she just came on in.....and then reached for my little girl! Miss Eva seemed like a sweet lady, but eventhough my grandmother was as sweet as sugar to her in front of me, I could tell that below the surface she was just boiling because miss Eva had interrupted her family visiting time.
Bless her heart, she asked me what she could to to tell this lady to leave her alone but I honestly had no advice for her, other than to maybe try to embrace the company and companionship. My grandmother loves company, its always been "the more the merrier," but I know not everyone is like that.
I wish I had something to offer you Creme! Just know that you're not alone! :)
it's ok miss priss, laugh away..... :'(
Just kidding you, I kinda giggled to....and I do wish I could retain this humor when things start to happen, like when she called in my window last night, "I seeeeeee You!" and scared the beejesus out of me....it really made me mad, but today I can laugh at it....
but it's so darn annoying, yanno?
your grandmother and I could compare notes...
bless her
Hugs and many thanks
Creme
Oh my! Creme, I do believe you have gotten a clinging vine attached to you. We have all seen these girls in high school and college with their dependence on the men in their lives. Now that her "support" brace of a husband has passed on, she clings to the closest person that smiles at her and treats her humanely. Never mind the fact that you are smothering under the needs of a "bind weed".
If you are not planning on becoming this woman's SO(and it sounds like SHE wants you to be), you are going to have to pull out that independent spirit and step on her toes. It is time she faced her own fears, paid her own bills (without telling you and the whole world about them) and learn to entertain herself. If she is unable to do this, give her the name and number of a good therapist.....since your shop is closed until further notice.
She is waaaay past the age of adoption and YOU have earned your own freedom from child-rearing. It creeps me out that she is turning into a stalker/peeping Thomasina. Your plans are not her plans....do not fret over not including her when you have your company.....think of it as a lesson in survival, YOURS. For her it will be an educational lesson..."How to live as an adult on her own".
If all else fails, I'll mail you my heavy duty, nifty, swifty, hard as oak...2 x 4! (and the little devil to swing it) Maybe that will get her to pay attention to what is said?
Quote from: Orly on September 09, 2010, 11:39:50 AM
Oh my! Creme, I do believe you have gotten a clinging vine attached to you. We have all seen these girls in high school and college with their dependence on the men in their lives. Now that her "support" brace of a husband has passed on, she clings to the closest person that smiles at her and treats her humanely. Never mind the fact that you are smothering under the needs of a "bind weed".
If you are not planning on becoming this woman's SO(and it sounds like SHE wants you to be), you are going to have to pull out that independent spirit and step on her toes. It is time she faced her own fears, paid her own bills (without telling you and the whole world about them) and learn to entertain herself. If she is unable to do this, give her the name and number of a good therapist.....since your shop is closed until further notice.
She is waaaay past the age of adoption and YOU have earned your own freedom from child-rearing. It creeps me out that she is turning into a stalker/peeping Thomasina. Your plans are not her plans....do not fret over not including her when you have your company.....think of it as a lesson in survival, YOURS. For her it will be an educational lesson..."How to live as an adult on her own".
If all else fails, I'll mail you my heavy duty, nifty, swifty, hard as oak...2 x 4! (and the little devil to swing it) Maybe that will get her to pay attention to what is said?
LOL
I always look forward to reading your replies...muchos gracias...mi amiga
Creme, I was in a similar situation a few years ago at work. This lady followed me everywhere, she wanted to be like me, act like me, dress like me, at first I was flattered but after a while it got to the point where I dreaded going to work, I didn't know how to get rid of her, didn't want to hurt her feelings, I stopped going out to lunch when she went, I tried to avoid her at all costs, hid from her, I'd shut the door to my office hoping she would not come in, this went on for about a year until I finally had to tell her in a very nice way to leave me alone, and I'm afraid you're going to have to do the same, she'll never get it on her own.
Good luck!
Creme"
It is true. I too like my alone time a lot. I like to socialize, but it comes to a point when I really need to be alone and do my things.
I agree with the other ladies post on:
You only have two options: One is to cut her off even if she is your neighbor. She is not making your life easier...the opposite is happening.
Option Two: Talk to her and let her know what you feel and think. It is not easy.
The most important here (for me) is that you should not feel guilty. You cannot be a good friend to her because she gets in your nerves so she needs to find someone who does like and enjoy the way she is. (You never know...there might be someone there...lol)
Wish you the best of luck
Hugs
Quote from: Nana on September 10, 2010, 01:43:06 AM
Creme"
It is true. I too like my alone time a lot. I like to socialize, but it comes to a point when I really need to be alone and do my things.
I agree with the other ladies post on:
You only have two options: One is to cut her off even if she is your neighbor. She is not making your life easier...the opposite is happening.
Option Two: Talk to her and let her know what you feel and think. It is not easy.
The most important here (for me) is that you should not feel guilty. You cannot be a good friend to her because she gets in your nerves so she needs to find someone who does like and enjoy the way she is. (You never know...there might be someone there...lol)
Wish you the best of luck
Hugs
Hi Nana...thanks for responding and for your advice, as well as all the other ladies who also have responded, you are appreciated.
I've been doing some thinking about this...and I'm going to talk to her when the time is right, but not when I'm upset, when I'm calm and understanding....and I'm going to tell her what you just said....we are two different people with individual ideas and ways of doing things and b/c I'm so independent and need alone time, we clash...I don't need people as much as she does....and I don't want to know about her personal finances...she has a close by family, attorney and accountant, and she should be discussing her personal finances with them.
I think truly, a lot of times she calls me and used these things for excuses b/c she's lonely....and the very last thing I want to do at night, is be on the phone, even on weekends, I hate talking on the phone.....I don't mind when conversations are short, but really do hesitate calling back friends who don't know when it's time to stop....and I dread it when they call....and sometimes honestly, do not answer the phone.
Anyway, she and I will have a talk, but I need to be in the frame of mind to discuss this with her gently....
then, if she takes offense, I've done all I can....
yanno, it's funny, now when I think about it, my DIL is very much like I am in that respect...very privet and wanting/needing her own space...extremely independent...and doesn't need people....not into phone calls, etc....however, boy did I take all those things personal, instead of understanding????? Sometimes these awakenings really embarrasses me, that I was so stubborn and refused to see her side, and thought she was an awful person trying to break up any bonds between my son and myself. I am so thankful, that I was able to see things from her point of view.....otherwise, we'd still be in a bad place.
Quote from: guest1 on September 09, 2010, 12:58:52 PM
Creme, I was in a similar situation a few years ago at work. This lady followed me everywhere, she wanted to be like me, act like me, dress like me, at first I was flattered but after a while it got to the point where I dreaded going to work, I didn't know how to get rid of her, didn't want to hurt her feelings, I stopped going out to lunch when she went, I tried to avoid her at all costs, hid from her, I'd shut the door to my office hoping she would not come in, this went on for about a year until I finally had to tell her in a very nice way to leave me alone, and I'm afraid you're going to have to do the same, she'll never get it on her own.
Good luck!
They always say, when people try to copy us, we should be flattered, b/c it is a huge compliment, however, it surely does become very annoying doesn't it. And you mayb right, but I have to try the nicer approach first...and may warn her, if she doesn't realize boundaries, then I will have no alternative, b/c she is presently making me feel very uncomfortable. Again, it isn't something I'm going to do the moment I get home, I'm going to wait for the right time....I don't want to hurt her, and I know she isn't capable of realizing, that just b/c she feels one way and I feel another doesn't make her right or me right....it's simply who we are....
She is retired and home all day...she is definately co-dependent on others for happiness...fulfillment, she doesn't yet know how to be alone and enjoy the company in aloneness...you can be alone and not be lonely, she doesn't understand that, because being alone scares her.
When I come home, it's a short night for me...I have to walk my dog several times, do my chores, and try to squeeze some very much needed me quiet time in....and when someone calls, it' really annoys me, b/c I've just sat down to destress...or when someone stops by, now I've got to put on a face again, and play hostess....but everyone around me is retired and while some do stay to themselves, this one like my neighbor, needs the socialization at everyone else's cost...
So, what upsets me most about this is not her actions, but putting me in the situation where I know have to say someting to her, to try and get her to understand, I need space...and she has got to back off. I know it's going to hurt her feelings, and most people would simply back off of her and avoid her, avoid inviting her to girl dinner and a movie night...b/c they view her as a very selfish pain in the butt....however, she is a person and she has feelings to...and I hate really hate the fact that she is putting me in this postion, and thing this was a good point to make, to apply to all of our lives..
We act and do as we were raised, and there are, quit frankly others who would consider our actions, intrusive and crossing boundaries...so, we need to not only consider...but truly listen to someone's words.
I was talking to her once about this, in general...and not saying to her right out, it's you who is crossing boundaries, so instead of listening to me, she thought, "well, it's not me, I"m entitled"....and I believe we'd be very surprised if we'd learn to listen to the words of others, b/c a lot of times, when they are saying something about what annoys them, they are talking to us...not all the time, of course, but I'm sure there are instances, that we've simply heard there words but dismissed the fact that it could be us, they are referring to. People hate to be put in the position of telling us right out, so what will they do, they will avoid us, which Is what I've been doing to her....
So, maybe we could apply this also to our families...we are not entitled b/c we are family...