My DS married his 2nd wife who had children more than a year ago. We only seen her a couple of times before they were married. My DH and I considered her children our GC. The couple of times I spent a week with them in their home to visit my GC, I felt unwelcome as my DIL would always busy herself with other things and we barely had any conversation during my visits. My DS would come home from work and the two of them would go about their normal life leaving me out of conversations. Occasionally my DS would ask me why I was quiet not realizing I felt as if I was being ignored. Of course, my feelings were hurt and I would tell my DH I would not go back as I felt unwelcome. A couple of months later, I missed my GC so much so I asked if it was okay to come and visit. My DS always tells me it's okay but I come away with hurt feelings. My DH says that all of this is petty feelings and I should just forget about what goes on when I visit. Should I just keep my distance and hope they will do the inviting instead of me asking to be invited? Any suggestions?
Welcome, MamaP. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the pink highlighted items under Open Me First. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.
I understand how the awkwardness can make you feel unwelcome, but the good news is that your DS always tells you it's OK to visit and it seems as if no one has come right out and said anything rude to you. You have a lot to work with here, lucky you!
Here's what I suggest: Take some little personal projects so you can keep busy and look occupied. Practice smiling a lot so you don't look grim (I happen to have a sad face when I'm just sittin' around & my DIL thinks I'm mad unless I remember to look cheerful.) To remind yourself, wear a certain piece of jewelry or other accessory that will cue you. Practice some "entry" lines beforehand so you can ask questions about their day that require more than yes or no answers.
I've had the same sort of thing happen when visiting my DS/DIL at DS's request. It's a strange feeling after having had years of easy conversation w/DS, and it reminds me how much I miss just talking with him :( Other than staying away, which like you I've decided to do at various times, we need to be prepared. I think you can fix this if you take the steps to do so now; letting this fester might make those invitations harder to come by.
Thank you for the welcome. As like you, my DS and I were always close and talked with each other frequently. When he remarried and moved away, it was hard not to see or talk with him like we had done in the past. He is always so busy working and blending in with her and the kids, that he doesn't really have the time to just talk. He seems to have slowly drifted away from his FOO. His grandmother also feels as if he's drifted away as he has no time to talk with her either. It just hurts to see him be happy with his new family and have no time with his family. I will do as you suggest keeping myself busy and smiling when I visit and hopefully, my DIL will start feeling comfortable around me enough where she can just have a normal conversation with me instead of short replies. I truly enjoy visiting with my GC as I have a special bond with her youngest child which I feel makes her uncomfortable by her actions when my GC and I are together. My DH has also mentioned how he's noticed from the first time I met the GC how much of a bond the little one and I have. I am careful to always include the other GC as I love them just as much, but it's so hard to really enjoy myself with them because of the coolness I feel when I am around her. I just hope in time this gets better.
Welcome! Boy do I understand that feeling. So many times I visited... (not overnight as my DS lives close) and got that vague feeling that I was a problem. Conversation was stilted and then DS and DIL always seemed to be angry at one another. It took a brick wall to fall on me before I realized that they were fighting about ME! About me being there, or perhaps the very notion that I was breathing.. lol!! When I would ask my son what the problem was, all I got was "nothing".... or "It's not you it's me" But it was about me as I later learned. Talk about mortified... I will not visit. (but that's a whole other story) Anyway, DS brings the kids to see me when he can. I understand that it's different in your situation as they are not your son's bio-kids... but perhaps he would be able to do that anyway. It makes for a much better and much more comfortable visit. Can he bring the kids to see you without her?
hi Mama P ....
Perhaps a week is too long , how far away do they live ?
Maybe if you go for a week , stay in alternative accommodation and visit each day , or perhaps
take the children out for a treat .
Not all families like their inlaws staying with them .
That might be the problem , maybe suggest it next time you visit .
Hi MamaP-
I've come to think that the way to go about visits is to act like a guest, like if you were visiting non-family members. I also think that if you look more at the positives in the situation (he wants you there, you can actually visit and know his family, etc), the other stuff will rearrange itself into the background.
You know that old saying "leave and cleave". It sounds like that's what he's doing. This is what their household looks like. At this point in my life, a DIL who allows visits with the GC, keeps busy and doesn't talk much sounds like a dream!
Oh, and welcome to WWW.
My MIL was always welcome in my home. I did everything I could to make her comfortable, and she did everything she could to be a non-judgmental, loving MIL & GM to my kids. When she helped with housework or childcare I was very grateful & never took offense; are you kidding? Another pair of helping hands? It was wonderful! What a gift to my DH that he didn't have to referee or feel like he was being torn in two. Now that she's no longer with us I am glad we only have happy memories; I miss her terribly.
Welcome :)
Just a question, but how long are you staying and where are you staying when you visit?
For a while here at WWU there was a pretty clear consensus that most posters prefer the 3 day rule, regardless if they were the host or guest. Longer than that does seem to put strains on people.
Additionally, this may just be your DILs personality. Some people are quieter or introverts that have a hard time socializing for long periods of time. My husband can only take a couple hours -- even with his own friends. Just a thought.
Thank you pam1. They live about 5 hours away and I stay at their house. I would understand if my DIL was shy, but when other people come by, she can sit and talk for hours. I think it may be a personality conflict on both our parts. Hopefully in time this will change but I am having a hard time slowly losing my DS. I guess I have to work on realizing he has his own family and that's his priority, it just hurts.
Maybe she just doesn't know you that well, yet? And given time she'll warm up?
At the very least, she's having you over, so all is not lost yet :) I will say that I can be a chatter bird but when I first met DHs parents I was a little on the shy side, I really wanted them to like me. So it could be that too.
Not sure how old you DS and DIL are, but one thing that comes to mind is it seems like the extra work of visitors often gets dumped on the woman of the house (laundry, meals, scheduling, socializing). When someone is visiting it seems we are fine with a guy working in the garage or mowing the lawn but if the woman is absent the place falls apart. So if DIL already has a full schedule and really needs some alone time, having someone there all the time upsets this--especially if DS is not responsible to check on your needs.
Second marriages are way more fragile. Having an IL there for a week would be a lot, I think. Do you have your own room? Do you bring groceries? Do you ask DIL (she is the QUEEN of the house, after all) if there is something you can do to help her? Does it seem as if you are more excited to see DS than DIL? Does DS do the laundry when you leave (sheets, towels, etc?) (I'm just brainstorming, don't expect answers).
Personally, having someone here for more than two nights really invades my space. I can imagine myself saying, "It's YOUR mother, so you better be entertaining her because I don't know what to talk to her about!! LOL) Your situation may be completely different, but these are just some thoughts I am throwing out there. Good luck. (And I stay in a hotel with a pool so the kids can come swim...everyone loves that deal).
Welcome MamaP. I haven't ever even got an invite to come over to DIL/OS house for 5 minutes, let alone an overnight so I can't say anything :)
I can say that I have FDIL of YS actually living with me right now and I have learned not to take anything personal. She's a very good person, sense of humor and not shy. But for 4 days last week, as soon as I came in from work, she said "Hi" and went upstairs to her room. Came out a couple of times to get a drink or such and right back up. I had a choice to make. I could either get all offended thinking that she didn't like me any longer and didn't like my company, or give her the space and see what happened. I picked door #2 and on the 4th day, she sat down at the kitchen table and just looked at me for a few minutes. I finally looked at her and said, "Want to tell me what's going on?" She just smiled and said, "Nothing." I kind of gave her that Mom-look and went, "Yeah...Ok." and grinned. She finally said, "I guess I'm just going through a major "I miss him" phase. Sorry." I smiled and said, "I bet you are. Well just remember, we love you."
She's been fine since then. So it could be nothing personal with your DIL either. It could be like the others say, she's just uncomfortable with guests period.
My DD moved out again last week ....so relieved !
Time for LL to kick up her heels & enjoy her own space? That's great news!
My ds left it up to me and his dw to sort ourselves out , what a cop out .
Quote from: Pooh on July 05, 2012, 11:29:31 AM
I had a choice to make. I could either get all offended thinking that she didn't like me any longer and didn't like my company, or give her the space and see what happened.
I love this.
DH and I actually verbalized this between each other and it's been really helpful. The worst part is that it's from one of those stupid internet jokes about what Men wish Women knew. It goes like this "If I say something to you, and it can be taken 2 ways and one of those ways makes you cry, I meant the other way."
I've even taken it further than that. The guy who cuts me off in traffic? Instead of getting mad and raising my blood pressure over it, I just 'assume' that he's on the way to the hospital to see his baby being born (that's my 'go-to' reason). It's so much better *FOR ME* to assume the best of people.
To the OP - it sounds like you're visiting during a 'regular' week for them. So, of course they're going to continue their 'regular' routine and talk about 'regular' things. Also, I don't think it's a good idea to visit when your DS is working, your DIL might feel like you're his 'guest' and she shouldn't have to entertain you while he's at work. So maybe long weekends are the best you can get from them?
I don't think you should wait for an invite. You've established a pattern of calling and proposing visits, so I think you should continue, but you could also ask them to let you know when is best for them. Tell your DS to consult with DIL and figure out what works for everyone. You might get a warmer welcome.
I have to say that I think it's an issue of communication. Because someone suggested bringing groceries and that just wouldn't work for me. My MIL brings groceries and I find it so insulting. However, others may appreciate it. So talk to your DS about it and see what's going on.
Hi Scoop, Why do u think it is bad for someone to bring groceries?! i personally love any gift:)
Just trying to understand your view point. Is it befcause it is a sign that the giver thinks you are needy/poor or do not buy the food they like? Just wondering...
Quote from: Footloose on July 09, 2012, 08:36:58 AM
Hi Scoop, Why do u think it is bad for someone to bring groceries?! i personally love any gift:)
Just trying to understand your view point. Is it befcause it is a sign that the giver thinks you are needy/poor or do not buy the food they like? Just wondering...
Footloose - I think it's the idea that we can't "provide". It's also all wrapped up in the history I have with my MIL. They will sometimes bring food, but once got all insulted when we said that we would bring the steaks next time we went to their house. My MIL will make SO MUCH extra food and then try to send some with us, regardless of the fact that we were going to my Mom's house next, or that it would be sitting unrefrigerated in the car for 4 plus hours. Also, it's not anything "special". If it was something that was my DH or DD's FAVOURITE, or something we couldn't get here, that would be appreciated. But usually it's just "groceries", cheese and bread, or (my favourite) a bottle of seafood sauce, no shrimp, just seafood sauce.
For Easter of 2011, I brought the makings of a bunny cake, for my Dniece and DD to decorate. I involved MIL in it and made sure the girls were extra-hygienic in their decorating. But in the end, even though DH had asked if it was okay for us to bring a cake, MIL had also ordered an ice cream cake and she served "her" cake and told me to serve "my" cake.
We've had some friction with MIL bringing food too, but it was more of the variety that her food was better and she knew better what fruits and veggies to pick, she knew better what DH liked or she knew better what was good for you, even if it's something you can't eat. It wasn't the act of bringing food, it was the bringing unneeded competition and judgements with it. However, I do understand that in her experience it is/was very normal to bring food to all hosts houses. My experience is usually to bring a hostess gift, so I was continually shocked at her expectations of what I was supposed to bring to her house.
I think it's probably a mileage will vary thing. Food holds special and different connontations to people.
Scoop - I have wondered about the food/grocery gift questions as well.
In my case there is a limited yet intense history around food and my ds's in law family. Once a few years ago before ds married, he was going to their house in another state for Xmas and I sent along homemade cookies and quiche - some for the family and some for the Gma living alone I really click with. Ds related there had been some negative comments about me sending food with him from the mother of my dil, though he told me how much everyone liked the homemade food. The wedding of ds was at the dil's family weekend house another 5 hours further from me, with only her family and myself present. I was asked to bring the dinner for the night of my arrival on the plane ( a specific request for my flank steak which I brought on the plane as it requires 24 hours of marinating and was requested for the night of my arrival) and then was given a list to buy that wound up being $300 worth of groceries once I landed and picked up my car. They did treat the group of 11 to dinner at a restaurant the night of the wedding, other than that I provided all the food for the 3 days and of course took everyone out to dinner at the restaurant of their choice the night before the wedding. This year, as I was invited to a dinner at the inlaws the night after Xmas, I was asked to bring the 2 kinds of cookies I always make - cut out and Mexican wedding cakes and 2 pans of my potatoes au gratin as I was driving the six hours. I didn't actually make it to that dinner, due to terrible scene with ds prior to going to their house, yet he made sure to take the presents I brought and the food. Seems so odd to me. Where I live and where I have lived in other parts of the country, food is a common gift, or wine. We never go empty handed to one anothers house for the most part. Certainly never for an invited occasion or event. First criticized and then told what to bring is strange. I hosted a garden party for the newlyweds last years at my home and was asked to make the fil's rib recipe - which the fil sent me. Foolish me, people pleaser I still was then, went along to make them happy and had a real mess dealing with ribs at a garden party - needed to rent another grill, add another staff person to go around with warm washcloths so people could clean up from the mess of eating ribs in that kind of situation. They offered no help - not ds or dil in making the gallons of marinate or lugging 80 pounds of ribs and never so much as received a verbal thank you from the kids or parents in any of these situations. Just the Gma thanked me. The fil asked for my recipes, so I took that as a back handed compliment though. They came, they sat apart, I put them up at a nice hotel in area, I paid for brunch the next morning for them and they left after stopping back at my ouse to get the left over ribs and other food stuffs I had too much of, as well as beer that would not get drunk here. They are way more well to do than I, so it isn't a matter of money for them. Just a different way for sure. It is one of those darned if you do and darned if you don't situations I think. Writing this out I realize maybe the first sending food was so offensive to them, they decided to ask for it from me in any future get together. Some twisted something. One year when I was going to pick DS up from their house and they asked me to stay for lunch in advance, I did bring a little gift bag with small stuff in it and ds told me they liked that, it was after the first sending food. Since I don't know or understand mean sprited people, maybe that is just all it is.
WOW! Thanks for your explanation. No wonder you are on eggshells here. I agree. It boils down to just mean spirited people who do not appear to even try and be nice. Yikes!
Since catering is NOT my profession, I would have said no to that rib order. You deserve a medal for that one but hope u don't bother again! i love to cook and always bring something when invited and yes have been left bringing the party too. But I did learn my lesson from u wise women on where my line is drawn! LOL!
The nerve of some people! Don't they know a little kindness and grace goes a long way?!
FL - I have learned my lessons and will not - repeat, will not be doing any of the food bringing in the future. I have learned here not to be such a pleaser and am looking to please myself now. Way more fun this way - lol.
I have the opposite problem - my DF/SM & DS/DIL have each forgotten to bring items they'd offered to contribute to special dinners. One Easter SM/DF insisted on bringing the ham but either forgot their offer or left the ham at home, I was never sure. We all had to listen as they blamed each other. Awkward! DS/DIL always say they'll bring something but rarely follow through. I guess it makes them all feel good to offer.
There was a scene in one episode of Six Feet Under where Ruth, the lonely, insecure matriarch, is invited to a sophisticated party and brings an aluminum tray of her self-described "famous" potato salad after the hostess tells her not to worry about, to just come and enjoy herself. It looks very out of place on the elegant buffet table, and when it's obvious no one is going to eat it, Ruth is shown scraping it into the toilet of the guest bathroom and flushing it away, with an embarrassed and uncomfortable grimace on her face. I don't ever want to be in that situation, lol.
Quote from: Pen on July 09, 2012, 10:27:23 PM
There was a scene in one episode of Six Feet Under where Ruth,...
That was a great show about family dynamics - loved it!
Oh Pen, I never saw that show though your description gave me such a visual I could see it in my mind. I'm keeping that one should I ever be tempted to 'fall in line' with the food nonsense with ds inlaw family again. I'm not a great cook, though will save my food offerings for those who appreciate and request certain dishes people ask for again and again when we have 'get togethers'. With all these sticky wickets I seem to have to try to walk among, I better work on my 'floating in air' skills with ds, dil and ds's inlaw family.
It's been awhile since I made this recommendation (tho I swear I do not get a commission!): Try reading some of the works of Deborah Tannen. She analyzes conversation styles and reports on how we make moral judgements instead of understanding that someone just communicates differently. I remember when my kids hit kindergarten or so, I finally realized that they could carry on conversations on their own; they were reasonably intelligible, so I no longer needed to act like an interpreter. Previously I felt I had dominated family conversations because I would prompt the kids to tell the GPs what had been going on and adding in the missing details. So here I thought I was doing a nice thing, and my DH complained about me sitting there saying nothing. I did say Hi when we arrived and answered any questions directed at me, so it wasn't as if I was totally silent. I don't know what the GPs thought, they never said. Maybe they appreciated me backing out, maybe they thought I was giving them the cold shoulder. Maybe they thought something totally different.
Thanks, Herb:) Sounds like a great read!
I cannot understand why people let these assumptions become fact w/o discussing with the other party? Guess I a rip off the band aide kinda person? If I have a question or think someone is upset, I will often ask, "is everything OK w/ u? I noticed u were a bit short with me and I'm just doing a check up to be sure I am not adding to your burden." We may assume another's point of view and can be WAY OFF.
Just sayin:)
I agree with you, Footloose. To me, it's easier to just clear the air. But then, I guess it's easier for some others to not talk about it.
Yes, I would rather do that too. I would have preferred if FDIL had just looked at me and said, "Hey, just so you know, I just need some alone time right now. I don't want you or DH to think anything is wrong, just having some struggles right now." That being said, I was trying very hard to take my cues from how she is from day to day. I had noticed when she was thinking about a problem or struggling with a decision, she gets very quiet and withdrawn. So even though my personality perfers someone to be upfront, and I am an upfront person, I kept in mind that her personality is not the same when she's sad. When she's happy, she's upfront, but when she's sad, withdrawn.
I think we have to work very hard to see other people as individuals and not a reflection of our own personalities or how we wish they would do it. To do that, you can't take things personally and let them be them. Sometimes, when they are being themselves, we don't like them and the people they have chosen to become. That's ok. I'm very sure there are people that don't like the person I have become. That's the hardest lesson I am working on.
For those who would prefer to "just clear the air" do you really think you'd be better off if your DIL or AC said, "Look, it's ok that you visit and see the GK, but personally I find you tedious/petty/bigotted/whiny/obnoxious/etc., so I don't want to have any conversation with you. If you want conversation, call a friend"? I think the burden is not to jump to conclusions. If someone doesn't engage you in conversation or doesn't latch onto topics you throw out, assume that is just their style and not take it personally. By over-analyzing the situation (or just analyzing it) you can create a much bigger problem. Usually the first step in solving a problem is identifying it, but just because you identify it, doesn't mean you can solve it. If it's not life-threatening, the best thing might be to assume it's not a problem.
Actually herbal, I would! Lol. I think it would actually make the relationship or non-relationship much easier. Not having to put up a false front and try to have a conversation with them, trying to be polite, would go out the window and make me more relaxed knowing I was just there to visit with the GK. No walking on eggshells wondering if I was saying "the wrong thing" or made a face she didn't like. I wouldn't worry about it if she let me off the hook and said something like that. I could honestly go, "Ok, well good because I feel the same about you. Glad we could be honest about it and not try to pretend."
QuoteI could honestly go, "Ok, well good because I feel the same about you. Glad we could be honest about it and not try to pretend."
If I had tried the above statement, our son would have banned us from seeing the grandchildren. He would have immediately come to the aid of his spouse (as most would when a loved one is being or perceived to being "abused"). I believe that in most difficult situations, one of the parties so wishes the other would "mess up" and thus give a reason for complete estrangement - always looking and searching for an "I told you so" moment. Walking on eggshells - always a tip that someone is "unbalanced" in the room and it usually is not the one "feeling" it. At least, this was the way it was in our situation. Anyway, just another opinion ....
herbalescapes, while I'm a big talk it out person, I rarely have any problems with someone else :P Or enough of a problem with someone to make it a problem, kwim?
My point of view comes directly from my in laws and observing their dysfunction. Before bearing the brunt of it myself, I noticed the drama, gossip and chaos that surrounded them in nearly every interaction with each other. I assumed that it was old family feuds at first, but after a while it became clear that this was all manufactured or exaggerated or blown out of proportion in one way or the other.
After a few years of things that they obviously found offensive about me, interesting enough no one would approach me directly, they would do the same stealth gossiping and crazy-making and it was just plain miserable. Of course DH and I knew they were talking about us, we would know everything at some point, but yet, they never approached us directly -- they would send a representative and by the time you got back to the original party, oh oops "it was a misunderstanding!"
So no, I really don't think making a big deal about everything (seriously, my choice to buy a storebought food was seen as I don't love and care about my MIL!) is the way to go, I also don't think never talking to the person you have problems with is the way to go. *however* after my experiences with confronting the in law folks directly, I can understand others not wanting to talk openly. Some people thrive in that kind of drama stuff and after my experience and being told in blunt terms that they really like the stress and chaos....well, if I had known that upfront it would have been a lot easier to ignore them from the get go!
Put it simply, I like to know where I stand with people, not cloak and dagger games.
Quote from: jdtm on July 20, 2012, 10:37:06 AM
QuoteI could honestly go, "Ok, well good because I feel the same about you. Glad we could be honest about it and not try to pretend."
If I had tried the above statement, our son would have banned us from seeing the grandchildren. He would have immediately come to the aid of his spouse (as most would when a loved one is being or perceived to being "abused"). I believe that in most difficult situations, one of the parties so wishes the other would "mess up" and thus give a reason for complete estrangement - always looking and searching for an "I told you so" moment. Walking on eggshells - always a tip that someone is "unbalanced" in the room and it usually is not the one "feeling" it. At least, this was the way it was in our situation. Anyway, just another opinion ....
But isn't it a shame that "loved one" doesn't apply to all parties? I love my DH with all my heart, but if he said something to my Mother with no provocation, oh it would be on and I wouldn't stand for it....vice versa with her.
And I agree with you. I wish it could be that way.
Hello All, We made the mistake of trying to help OS an DIL during a transfer with his job. They had been living about 5 hours away and were moving to our area. We had always had a great relationship with OS and loved his GF from the day we met. in fact I made the fatal error of saying "she's a keeper" so he married her, big mistake! That Karpman Drama Triangle would be my undoing. They ended up staying for over 3 months. I bought almost all of the food and did most of the cooking. I worked 30 hours a week and babysat 2 small children while she was house hunting. They looked at 70 houses and ended up building a house because nothing was good enough for her. I bit my tongue many times and kept smiling, never complaining. They gave us $400 to cover expenses. Well a year later in 2011, we had a disagreement over holiday plans and all of the hate started coming out. We were accused of interfering in their decisions. DIL told OS that I had yelled at her when she cooked dinner one day while I was working because I had already cooked a meal before I left. She complained that when she cooked she didn't appreciate having to cook for DH and me as well as their family. She complained that I had done awful things to her like leaving clothes in the dryer and she had to take them out to do her wash. She came home one day to find me sleeping on the couch with the TV on upstairs and the basement TV recording the same channel. She was upset because she was unable to watch her show. I was floored! OS said that he guessed we had been empty nesters too long. It was like, are you serious? I was so irritated that he would be so petty. No good deed goes unpunished. They no longer speak to us and we can't see GC.
Isn't it funny how petty people are? We have heard story after story like this. The other party wanting you to respect their rules when you come in their home, but yet having fits when they come into yours about your routine. I could have the same issue later that you had Grammie, based on what you told. I love my FDIL and she's living with us while my Son is deployed. I cook, all the time, after working 40 hrs a week. She's not working but hasn't stepped up once and offered. It doesn't bother me as honestly, I'm not sure she knows how to cook much. I don't want to ask her because I'm afraid that would make her feel bad for me to say, "Hey, do you want to learn how to make this?" That's what I want to do as when all is said and done, she and GS will be leaving with YS and moving 14 hrs away to his base. If she doesn't know how, I'd like to help her but I keep waiting for her to say something.
I leave clothes in the dryer and when she washes hers, she folds mine and puts them on my bed. I also have folded her and put them in her laundry basket when I have found hers in the dryer. Doesn't bother me and I appreciate that she does it and thank her. But maybe later, she will be resentful. If she is, well honestly, that's her problem. We wanted to help her, and we do so without a thought. I've spend alot on her, even bought her some maternity clothes this weekend because she found two outfits she liked, but was only going to buy one. I told her I would get the other for her. My YS is putting plenty of money in her bank account, she's just actually a very frugal person (not a bad thing). Maybe later, she'll tell everyone that I thought she couldn't dress herself.
I will not feel bad about anything they we are doing. Even if she turns it around later or voices problems later to YS. We have done everything we can to make her feel welcome and loved. She knows I'm a upfront person and if she has concerns or requests, she should be asking or letting me know. That is on her, not me.
You gave them a home and an opportunity. You did the best you could with what you had to work with. You deserve thanks, not criticism. Everything that transpired later is on them.
Thank You Pooh! The most difficult part of my situation as I'm sure it is for many of the visitors to this site is accepting that it's their choice and there is nothing we can do about it. We spend so many years moderating and solving sibling issues and dealing with power struggles between us and our children that we always expect a resolution where everyone is respectful and happy. Instead our fairy tale life is crumbling before our eyes. I read once that parents influence only 1/6 of our child's development. The remaining 5/6 comes from sources out of our control. But we are made to feel that 100% of their problems are our fault. They refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. Compromise is foreign to them. They prefer to destroy the entire family to get their own way. They focus on the negative experiences in their lives and pretend there were no positives. I guess that wisdom comes with age. For some folks it often comes too late to make a difference. The problems we are having with OS are so unfair to YS. I find myself afraid that I will lose him too. This kind of betrayal changes you but during that process you are not very likable.
Yes, we do tend to blame ourselves. I'm sure OS/DIL probably tell everyone that we don't call, drop in, etc. too. I would bet money that the words, "They don't even care enough to ask how the pregnancy is going." Well guess what? If you can't even tell your Mother, GM or anyone on our side of the family that you are expecting, that tells me all I need to know. Why would I ask about something that obviously you didn't want me to know? Look in the mirror at your own house.
Oh Grammie, that stinks! The only thing I can think is that they *can't* destroy the entire family, unless you give them that power.
Pooh, doesn't it seem weird to think like that? I'm guessing before your OS/DIL that you would never have to think that way concerning a new relationship with your FDIL.
Pooh,
I had to find out from others, and through face book, that my DD and DIL were pregnant. DIL this last time, and DD the last two times. I got a text after this last one was born, but not until I saw it on face book. My own DM had to fill me in on the births, time, weight etc. When DS texted me after a (what I thought was nice) comment on FB about how cute baby was in pink, then I got a ridiculous amount of nasty texts, about how pitiful I was. It wasn't meant to be malicious, but DIL had said she wanted no pink for her baby girl. (She is a tomboy)
In the past they have felt compelled to make judgmental comments to me on FB and in person, but should I say anything in the least bit out of line, I am the worst mother MIL ever.
He could not even "break up" with me over the phone....is that cowardly? Or is it just the way people are now?
I always thought I kept up to date on the way people were, technology, etc., but now I feel like a dinosaur. I think if anything should come up again...I'm going to have on my "WWU big girl panties" and let myself be heard.
Quote from: Pooh on July 23, 2012, 09:02:08 AM
Yes, we do tend to blame ourselves. I'm sure OS/DIL probably tell everyone that we don't call, drop in, etc. too. I would bet money that the words, "They don't even care enough to ask how the pregnancy is going." Well guess what? If you can't even tell your Mother, GM or anyone on our side of the family that you are expecting, that tells me all I need to know. Why would I ask about something that obviously you didn't want me to know? Look in the mirror at your own house.
I used to call and ask about the kids and about how my DIL was doing... and I got one word answers. You can sort of tell when someone isn't interested in having a conversation or giving out any info whatsoever. So I stopped calling and asking... and wouldn't you know it.... DIL used that in her attacks.. that I didn't care and I was a rotten grandmother and couldn't care less about the kids. You sometimes can't win fir losin'
Pam1, you are correct that he can't destroy the entire family unless we allow it. You see DIL set up boundaries that separate family units into "her family", "our family" and "their family". My relationship with the rest of "MY family" is fine. However OS/DIL have destroyed our relationship with "her family" and "their family". Her parents and brother ignore us, probly because talking to us would get hem banned too. The last time we saw GS he refused to hug us and responded "yuck". We have no control over any of that. YS told OS they are wrong and encouraged him to get counseling. He is reluctant to say anything else to him for fear he will be banned too. He is sick of being in the middle. I have told YS I don't want to hear anything OS tells him. If he wants to talk to him it's his choice. YS has started ignoring phone calls from his brother. We have a very small family and everyone who is aware of the situation disagrees with what OS/DIL are doing. OS has tried to turn others against us but nobody believes him. When they learn that his wife gave her parents the silent treatment for 13 months before she met OS they see what's going on. If people begin to avoid or exclude him that is his problem not mine so I should not worry about it. This situation has touched all family units in one way or the other. It is senseless and ridiculous and didn't have to happen.
Quote from: Pooh on July 23, 2012, 06:10:09 AM
....I love my FDIL and she's living with us while my Son is deployed. I cook, all the time, after working 40 hrs a week. She's not working but hasn't stepped up once and offered. It doesn't bother me as honestly, I'm not sure she knows how to cook much. I don't want to ask her because I'm afraid that would make her feel bad for me to say, "Hey, do you want to learn how to make this?" That's what I want to do as when all is said and done, she and GS will be leaving with YS and moving 14 hrs away to his base. If she doesn't know how, I'd like to help her but I keep waiting for her to say something.....
Pooh, maybe you could ask her to teach you (or you could "work together to figure out") how to prepare a couple of her favorite dishes? You might say, "I've been making what we like every night, but maybe you'd like to have your favorites now & then?" If she mentions a dish, you could lead into having her help you find a recipe, plan the shopping list, purchase the items, and ultimately you could work together creating the meal? At the very least it might remind her that you're doing all the cooking, lol. Just a thought :)
Pam, yes, it is really weird. I never used to give a thought to things like that. I would have just looked at her and said, "Hey, do you want to learn how to make the dish you liked last week?" or "You know, if you want to learn to make that, I'll show you how." Now I worry that if I say that is she going to take it as I'm criticizing her cooking ability or am I saying she's lazy....sheesh....who knows anymore which is why I have taken the "wait til she asks" theory. So yes, my OS/DIL situation makes me second guess things I would have normally never thought anything about saying or offering.
Pen, I have done those things. I've taken her to the store with me and told her to buy anything she wants. I'm prompted by saying, "If there is something you would like to make for, grab whatever you need." She will make comments about something I've made. She asked me Sunday what I had in the crockpot that smelled so good. I told her that it was "raid the pantry stew". She laughed and said "What's that mean?" It means I look in the freezer, frig and pantry and start throwing things in the crockpot that I think will go good together." She just said, "Really?" Later, when it was ready she said, "Ok, I'm going to try it." She grinned and told me it was really good and said that she couldn't believe I had just thrown things in there. I told her that you kind of learn over the years what things go together well and that I did that alot. End of conversation. She didn't ask anything else and I didn't try to explain.
I've even told her that if she wants to cook anything or experiment, she's more than welcome to use anything or let me know what she needs. She just smiles and it doesn't happen.
Dear Pooh,
It's so wonderful that you are helping DS and DIL out like you are. Two adult women in a home is no easy task.
It sounds to me like maybe she feels like a guest in your home and is uncomfortable asking, or buying or just delving into your kitchen. I would just come right out and ask her. Maybe the family could sit down and divvy up some household chores.
You could ask her mother what some of her likes are, if she knows what she likes to do. Scrap booking, sports, things like that. Her favorite food.
I just wonder if she simply needs a little prodding.
Good Luck and Bless You.
Thanks SCW. It may all backfire in the end, but at least I'll feel comfortable knowing that I did my best to help them with their situation. She's got a funny personality. She will ask questions, she'll say things but there doesn't seem to be much follow-up. I don't know how to explain it except to say like a couple of weeks ago, she mentioned she needed to find a hobby because she's bored (and I bet she is). I asked her what kind of things she liked to do and she said, "I really don't know". So I told her that I had several things in my craft stash if she wanted to try some things. She asked me what kind of things. I told her that I used to paint, and their were canvases, paints, brushes, easels, whatever she needed if she wanted to try that. She snarled and said, I can't even draw stick figures. I told her that I had cross-stitch stuff, crochet things, scrapbooking stuff (yes, I'm world's worse about having ideas, doing it for awhile and then getting bored.) She laughed and asked where so I showed her all the labled totes in the storage area. Told her to get out and go through whatever she wanted or we could go to a craft store and look around until something interested her. She said ok. Never got into any of them although I drug them out for her. So like two or three days ago, she announced, I think I want to learn to crochet. I told her that was great. Showed her where all the needles were, told her I had bags of yarn or we could go get some more if she didn't like any of the colors I had. Asked her if she wanted me to teach her some basic stitches. Then told her that I only knew kind of the basics and if she wanted to learn more complicated stuff, my Mother was the expert on it (which she loves my Mother and visits her on her own at times). She said Ok and I told her when she was ready, let me know and I would help her get started, or she could youtube! Lol.
Haven't heard anything since. Does that make sense what I mean she asks alot of questions but never follows through? And it's like that with everything, so I think that's just her personality. I'm really having a hard time trying to figure out the balance of offering but not pushing. And by the way, she's still a wonderful person, great sense of humor and I love her to death.
Oh, and the Mother part. I've been stepping back from that situation. I'm not sure what the deal is. I've not met her Mother face-to-face, but we've facebooked quite a bit. She seems like a really nice person and FDIL loves her to death, but yet she backed out from coming to the gender ultrasound that she seemed excited about and asked to come to, with no explaination to FDIL. FDIL was quite upset and didn't say much about it, but was very upset about it. I'm not touching that one...Lol.
And just you guys know, I do take your advice to heartt. I think tonight I will try something different, like you guys suggested. She mentioned a couple of weeks ago that someday I would have to show her how to make my taco soup. Again, thinking I was doing the nice thing, I said, "Sure. Whenever you want we can do that." So I'm going to a baby doc appointment this afternoon with her. I think I'll see if a little pushing will help. Maybe saying, "Hey, I am thinking taco soup would be good tonight. You good with me picking up the ingrediants after work and us making it, since you asked a couple of weeks ago?"
How's that sound?
Pooh, That sounds reasonable;)
She is lucky to have you in her life! Get off the eggshells?
hugs, my hero <3
This one doesn't feel like eggshells. It's more like trying to judge her personality and figure out how to work with it. I seriously don't sit around fretting about it with her because she really is a good person and even though I am careful with her, she's not stressing me out...Lol.
Pooh - I just had an idea, could your DIL be "nesting"? So she WANTS to make something or DO something, but then doesn't know how, or it doesn't come easily enough, so she quits.
You can just feel free to post your recipe for taco soup, if you feel like imparting some wisdom on us (me).
Dearest Pooh, what a wonderful woman you are!
I found myself smiling at your posts. I feel you are a very positive person, and DIL is so very lucky.
Quote from: Pooh on July 25, 2012, 09:09:06 AM
I think tonight I will try something different, like you guys suggested. She mentioned a couple of weeks ago that someday I would have to show her how to make my taco soup. Again, thinking I was doing the nice thing, I said, "Sure. Whenever you want we can do that." So I'm going to a baby doc appointment this afternoon with her. I think I'll see if a little pushing will help. Maybe saying, "Hey, I am thinking taco soup would be good tonight. You good with me picking up the ingrediants after work and us making it, since you asked a couple of weeks ago?"
How's that sound?
I think she will be tickled pink!
Well I took the advice and we'll see how this evening goes. After baby doc appointment, before heading back to work, I threw it out there, just like I said I was going to. She smiled and said, "Sure. That sounds great." We'll see if this works. Thanks guys.
Scoop, you could be right. I really don't think with some of the questions she has asked, that she's been shown much of how to do anything growing up. It may take some actually just pulling out the crochet needles and yarn and plopping down beside her, handing her a set and going, "Ok, let's try this." Her asking questions and showing interest in things may be her way of saying "Show Me", but then when I tell her to just let me know when, she chickens out. I may have to try that if the taco soup thing works out. (I'll go over to grab bag and post the recipe since I feel like I've already hijacked this thread)
Thank you SCW.
Awesome, Pooh! And yeah, taco soup recipe would be nice to have :P
I went back to the beginning of this thread and was chuckling when I read the stuff about food. I have two sons. When YS got married I made the wedding cake. DILs family was not well off and I used to do a good bit of cake decorating in my younger days. When OS got married I agreed to make the wedding cake, to be fair and equal. Now YS is divorced and OS won't speak to me. I don't do food any longer!!!!
Pooh, I don't know if this is her situation, but I grew up always being told that my opinions and wishes were ridiculous, and didn't count, and every time I would try something new or have an idea it was shot down and I was told all the things that could go wrong. It left me behaving similarly to what you describe - lots of questions and ideas, but no follow through. My suggestion would be to not worry about fixing it, but just let her have the space to work through it on her own. She knows where things are, and she's learning to trust that she can just talk and won't be pressured. For me, I always got caught up in worrying that I was going to offend / hurt / disappoint / anger someone if I tried something they suggested, and I also just plain believed I couldn't do anything right. Both of those things meant that I ended up spending time just observing and thinking and giving myself internal pep talks before I ever got to the point of doing something, and then never where someone else could catch me doing it. :)
That's very good insight elsie. I will keep that in mind as well. Thank you.
It went very well. I stopped and picked up what we needed, she met me in the garage and helped carry everything in. We talked for a few minutes and then I told her, "When you are ready, I'm ready. It will have to simmer 30ish minutes at a minimum." She said, "Let's do this." I started laughing and said, "I'm just supervising and more like just being your verbal cookbook." I got my laptop, sat down at the kitchen table and said, "Ok, I have some cruise stuff to look at. I'll tell you what I do and you go for it."
She took over from there and I basically would just say, "You need the frying pan and the big soup pot. Brown the meat first, etc." She did it all and it turned out great. We discussed some wedding "ideas" while we were hanging out that she had come up with. (Yes, come Nov and Dec, I will need valium. Baby shower, Thanksgiving, wedding and then birth 2 days later, then one week later Christmas!) They have decided to go ahead and get married when he comes in for two weeks for the birth...yay me....Lol.
DH came in about the time she got it done and bragged about how good it was. She smiled and said, "I call dishes!" She followed through and did those as well. She was tired and went up to her room after that, but about 15 minutes later she texts my phone, thanking me for showing her how to make the soup. So it went very well.
Pooh, she sounds very sweet. So glad it's going well. Congratulations on a job well done!
Thank you. She is very sweet. She's texting me today, having a fit because YS just told her he wants to wear shorts, in December, to the wedding!!! I simply said, "It's DH's fault." Pssssshhhh.....avoided a conflict there :D
That's wonderful, Pooh!!!
Very happy for you, Pooh! :)
Pooh,
I just got home from a weekend away, and read your posts. It brought tears to my eyes! I am so happy it all worked out...what a wonderful community we have here, to help one family find a way. 8)
Hooray for Pooh! So happy for your success in building that beautiful bridge between families.
Hugsssss!