I don't know what I am doing wrong. I really think I was a good mother and continue to be one. The only bad things I can think of were mistakes of inexperience when my two youngest were small (I had them when I was a teenager) and later on when we had a riotous house of happy, energetic and mischievous little boys I succumbed to frustration and yelling more than I should have. They now range in age from 19 to 33 and they just see me as a nuisance. If they think of me at all. There have been so many good times, so many great memories. I have made sure they had a stable home that was clean, happy and loving. I have supported their interests. My husband has grumbled about most things they do for many years, but I have worked hard to make sure that he only grumbled to me. That they felt loved and supported by both of us. Now they go to him. Even when just visiting (2 still live at home and one of them will slam something down and quickly leave the room if I even pass through it).
I was always there for them, and was careful to not get into their space when they needed it. There were so many joyful times. I try not to intrude now, and do let them know I am proud of them.
Raising them was my life from 16 to now. And I was so excited to move on to the next part of my life without kids. But after yesterday I am not. At a family gathering I saw how I was either unseen or blatantly ignored (even when I cheerfully tried to involve myself in a group who was conversing - or even talking one on one with someone standing there alone). I felt invisible after being ignored or walked away from, even mid sentence.
There went most of my life. They hate me and I don't know why. I don't want to waste the rest of my life on something else I think I'm good at but which turns out to be a failure. It's hopeless. I just wish it would all end.
Welcome, A. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit.
What I have learned, after looking for it for years, is there is no why. Several of us here are reading the book, 'Abandoned Parents - The Devil's Dimemma'. I am learning a lot and highly recommend it as theOfficial Text for WWU 101. Sending hugs...
Allfornothing, I'm glad you found this site. I can relate to your feelings of hopelessness and failure. In fact, I expressed some of your statements myself when I first experienced problems with my DS/DIL. I didn't think I'd ever feel good again.
Thanks to the wise women here and to Luise and Kirk (webmaster) I have learned how to take back my life. Please keep reading and posting! Take babysteps (one thing at a time!) to nurture yourself and regain your center.
As Luise says, you were a whole person before you had kids and you can be a whole person now (or words to that effect.)
I hope that soon you will feel like changing your WWU name...because it was not "all for nothing," it just seems that way to you today. Best wishes.
Welcome. I totally agree with what these two lovely ladies told you.
I promise. It gets better once you take back your life and learn you can't control what they think or do. It takes time and work on yourself, but it happens.
I can relate to what you are saying. My son can laugh and talk to his father and treat me like I am dirt at the same moment. I can't get a smile, a hug or a kind word. He will do things on a daily basis to let me know how angry and hateful he feels towards me. I know I made mistakes but I have always been a loving mother. I am in cognitive behavior therapy to learn how to accept myself and enjoy my life in spite of his feelings towards me. I hope you can find happiness.
I've just found this list/website, after doing a search. I've been without my adult children off and on for several years. I'm also soon to be divorced, after 36yrs. of marriage, over half my life. I too have in therapy, have been and on my own doing it. He left me for someone he'd met some years ago, a job he'd had in another state. I knew her.. didn't know he had thoughts of her. I digress and I'm sorry. Its just that my daughter is more like him and so they are close, now that she is an adult. My son who I thought would be my rock, well, he's not. His wife and I do not dislike each other, but did not like each other either. Long and complicated. But he is her husband and they have three daughters and she a huge family a long distance from me. Both of my adult children knew of my estranged husbands "friend", almost a year before I knew. My daughter and I already had some relationship issues, and therapy has shown me it goes back to those "normal" teenage years. Her closed doors and wanting privacy and no conversation but with her friends. We had a connection through horses, I thought, but we didn't really. We rode at the same time, but we weren't sharing time together. And it just never got better. I think at some time, moms and their children become friends too, and that didn't seem to happen with mine and I don't know why. They stopped contact with me, me still trying, for several years, but never responses except from their father. The rules, that is what happened. Not boundaries, but rules. I've shared their past notes with my therapist. How does a mom get over the fact that her children shared outings and trips with their father and his "girlfriend" and me, their mom never knew anything. I found out almost a year later. Even in therapy, how can one get over that. I have no hate in my heart, I don't like that word. My heart is empty, my tears flow everyday, I don't understand. There aren't words that can help me understand. I feel I have to have answers to move forward. How can one move forward with no answers.
Deb, it is so hard when it seems like everything is going wrong! We think about it all the time, it wakes us up and will not let our minds rest so that we can sleep. After a while we think we must be going crazy! The WW here helped me get a grip when I thought all was lost! What did they say? Something like you cannot control what your AC think or do with their time and the more you try to fix it the worse it gets. What do you do? Stop trying to fix it! Stop thinking about it! Stop trying to assess blame or point to who is right.
The next step is to start thinking about something that makes you happy. Do you like dancing? movies? hikes? skiing? bowling? There has to be something that you really love and have not done for a long time! Plan to do it. Find friends to go with you and go have a great time!! If you hear from your family you will have wonderful things to share with them and that will make the visit or conversation much more enjoyable for them. The more time you spend enjoying yourself the better your life will get even if the situation with your family never gets better. Life is way to short. For me I had a big "Ah hah" moment when I realized that I was no longer enjoying the time I spent with my DS. The person I thought I knew had morphed into someone else who I did not know and would not even have wanted to know if he were not my DS. Why worry about time he spent elsewhere? And my new motto "No news is good news" was repeated daily and sometimes hourly!
As for your DH and his girl, I truly believe that what she got is a man who will cheat on her. I really do not understand why these women think that they are going to hold on to them forever! If he cheated once, he will again and the funny part is that she will be totally shocked!!! I know it is difficult but try to just sit back and wait for the fireworks. Be glad that he is gone and turn your sights elsewhere. Can you afford a singles cruise? I think they offer them to different age groups.... That would shock the entire family!!!
Have fun!! Good luck!
Welcome, D. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the five posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.
I love the response you got from Stilllearning, one of our Wise Women, for sure. Beautiful! My experience has been that I finally gave up looking for answers. There were none and I gave up trying to understand. I just couldn't make sense of the sense of the senseless. Since then, I have gotten my life back adn am honestly enjoying every day to the fullest. It's no longer about my biological role and my expectations. I have reclaimed my self respect and will never let it go. Hugs...
Maybe this isn't the right place for me. I am in therapy, to help me, as I consider the loss of my adult children similar to the loss as in death of a child. They were who I was. At 62 yrs. old, there is no "me". So I've a lot of deal with and had hoped there were others here in similar situations as "fresh" as mine. I've no family, biological, except a sister in a housing unit with health issues and we cannot drive to visit each other. My ex was military, so friends I'd made all those years, have come and gone. One doesn't put down roots with all of the traveling, and I lost my biological family over the years. Living in a town of people that grew up together, a place I know no one. Was just kind of dumped here after he retired and he started his life over.
I'm sorry, but I'm not at that stage where even baby steps don't end up with me taking back steps. I'm barely out of the hole and the doors, well, they don't open. I was left behind and put aside. Yes, was their choice, but I don't know why. Yes, I've questions and I need answers. I'm sorry.
That's where we all started out and most of us saw no hope. Many of us have had counselling. We're here to walk the walk with you, if that would help. And it's a great place to vent. :-) More hugs. I'm 88 years old. No one else here in their 80s, that I know of. I started the Website years ago. :-)
Please, just tell me how to unsubscribe. I'm not in a place in my mind where the support you are offering will help me. This is all just a few years old for me, and I'm just divorcing... please tell me where I go on this site to unsubscribe, I couldn't find even doing a search.
Just stop posting. That works. Wishing you well, D.
OK, everyone, sorry this thread got hijacked. It happens about once every five years. I appreciate all of you trying to help D. We gave it our best shot.
Onward and upward!
What is a hijacked thread? Does that mean we do not reply?
ALLFORNOTHING- about the family gatherings, I don't do them anymore. I no longer have family outside of my children, so gatherings for some event included my ex and his family and my AC's. I tried to be adult at first, and go for the sake of my AC's, but was mostly ignored as the black sheep. I am not doing that to myself anymore, it is way too hard and stressful. It is a relief that I have given myself permission to step away. Someone else here said no news is good news, also good advice. You really don't want to hear about what everyone is doing without you because it is salt on the wound.
AFN- also, what's up with your husband? He should be supporting you and not allowing the AC's to treat you like this while treating him differently. My ex did the same. That is why he is my ex. Husband and wife are a package deal, IMO. >:(
Back to AllForNothing,
I am sorry you have become the pariah in your family and how unfun family gatherings are for you. It is obvious how much you love them all and have tried to be a good mother. I understand how painful the estrangement can be. The other ladies have said they've stopped searching for the why and I have to second that. Perhaps if you stop fighting it, the dynamics will change and things will soften. Can you detach from having to fix everything so it is "perfect"? This will take a lot of the pressure off things. At least you will have more peace in your soul. Take a break from grieving over this and give it time to allow you to have a new perspective. It might be fixable with a change in attitude or it might not. But at least your new attitude will give you peace and a better future.
I'd like to add a little food for thought. Sometimes we mothers try to do to much for our kids and try to manage their lives according to how we see how they should be. We love them so much and we want them to have a better life than we did (whatever that means to us). We do this to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. We may take over a process for the child that the child needs to learn -- and when we do this the message we give the child is -- "you are not capable, you are not smart enough" If a child gets this message from a parent, their relationship can suffer. Detaching from trying to control, fix things, change this or that the kid is doing, constant advice, etc. frees us from this downward spiral with our kids and also allows us to focus on ourselves and growing in our own souls.
About your husband, you don't indicate whether he is an angry, narcissistic, abusive guy so the following is based on that. It is important that your husband be real with the kids, telling them how they are annoying him. When you take control and don't allow this, you negate his feelings. In this way, you are not supporting him, not being on the same page as him. Again, if he is a good man, a loving father. Your husband has every right to be real about his viewpoint, unless you have married a mean abusive guy but I think not since the kids seem to like him so much.
K, good question. I will put our use of the term 'hijacked' in our Open Me First data. Someone invented it a few years ago, when a person, usually a newbie, needs their own thread but comes in on one that is established. Often I catch it but not always. I split the topic, when I see the need, welcoming them and giving them their own thread, if their first post is really intense.