This is my first time writing or responding. I too pray and hope that my relationship with my DIL gets better. It has been a slippery slope, yet there are times that I see light at the end of the tunnel. I have never understood why she (DIL) responds to me the way she does. I walk on eggshells and watch my every word. It is exhausting. My son has basically given up and gives in to her. This is sad. I believe that she is a great Mom and wife, except when it comes to us. Could it be she feels threatened? We visit every 3 months to see my son's family...yet, I go excited and come back drained. To not be yourself....it wears you out! To be myself...may result in more stress or alienation on her part. How do we handle this? I want to do more than DEAL with it!!! Thank you for reading and what a blessing your advice is for the struggling MILs! :-X
Welcome! I have a few quick questions to sort of flesh it out for me. How many days are you there when you visit? And do they come to see you? Do they have kids?
Hello Mama Tani and welcome
With my own dil, for a while I thought ok, I'll attempt this fake attitude and then all will be ok. It wasn't, the more I left my real self outside the door the more I alienated myself not from my dil but from my own family. They were looking at me like who is this person and I'm sure they were secretly discussing the signing of commitment papers.
I want to like my dil, and I want for her to like me as well.... we'll settle for mutual respect at this point.. but we are going to do it with each of us being the person who we really are. I figure that we'll either come to terms or we won't but while I can change some of the things that I do, or would say.. I can't change who I am.
Are you the only person that your dil seems to be having issues with or does she appear to have an issue with his entire family of origin?
You can't change it/her...therefore you have to deal with it. Sad but true. Sending love...
Thank you ladies for your advice and questions. I'm not sure if we can reply to each individually or not; so I am responding to all comments. Thank you for sharing your decision of how to deal with DIL - to remain polite and respectful but being yourself. I think I am at that point. I just told my husband that I was going to start being myself and being as polite as possible to DIL. I do have a beautiful granddaughter who will be 2 years this May. I long to have a fun time with her...but things are limited with her and DS. No, I am not the only one who has issues with DIL...but I think I am the one who is determined to make it work! The others feel they will be nice, but they just deal with it and go on. I usually stay 3-4 days every 3-4 months (They live in a different state). They have not come to see us, except for my mother's funeral, for a few years. I would love them to. I even bought a crib when my grandbaby was born. Never used. I think things would be different on a different playing field. But for now...her field is where the game is....
Mama Tani. "I bought a crib"
I had major MIL problems and I always put myself in the position of "What would I have felt like if my MIL.....
Did you let your DIL know you bought a crib? She may have seen this as a threat."Does she think I will leave the baby with her overnight"?
I think MIL's always have to let DIL know they are in charge of their households and every decision they make is theirs.
I think MIL cant even show a hint of interferring with some DIL's but I am not saying you are interferring though she may see it that way.
Quote from: catchingup on February 24, 2011, 08:31:40 PM
Mama Tani. "I bought a crib"
I had major MIL problems and I always put myself in the position of "What would I have felt like if my MIL.....
Did you let your DIL know you bought a crib? She may have seen this as a threat."Does she think I will leave the baby with her overnight"?
I think MIL's always have to let DIL know they are in charge of their households and every decision they make is theirs.
I think MIL cant even show a hint of interferring with some DIL's but I am not saying you are interferring though she may see it that way.
Catchingup is on to something here. I do not have kids yet. When the time comes, if MIL were to buy a crib, well, it would kinda turn me off. If I am going to come visit for a few days, my baby can sleep in a pack and play.
What does she do to give you the impression that she doesn't like you? (hide in the kitchen when you visit, leave town when you visit, give the look of death?) I'm sure she has picked up on your "walking on egg shells" attitude concerning her and it probably irritates her. Being yourself might make all the difference. :-)
Mama Tani, unfortunately you pressed one of my hot buttons. You say you can't "be yourself" with her and I have to call "baloney" on that. Do you really always act the same way ALL the time, whether you're at home or at work, at church, at a restaurant, with friends, family, acquaintances, strangers?
I don't think so.
I think you're likely more polite and more restrained in more formal situations, and more laid back at home. I think the problem is that you want to be more laid back when you're visiting your DS & DIL. Unfortunately, that's not how it works, you have to gauge the reactions of your audience and act accordingly.
I do applaud the fact that you're "trying" with your DIL. It does mean something, and it's likely the reason your relationship is working as well as it is. My Mom has to "try" with my SisIL (she is quite the pill). But we've all benefited from it, because we "play nice", we get to have a relationship with my DB and the DN's. My Dad and I even thought of it as a game, because we knew that SisIL didn't like us as much as we didn't like her, so we would be civil and give her no reason to cut us off, and thus we got to inflict ourselves on HER. It worked for us.
ITA with Scoop, I need some kind of stamp I can just follow her around with!
But also, Mama T, I personally think every 3 months is a bit much. Perhaps if you scale back your efforts in traveling to see them, they will come to you. The whole less is more idea.
I do think the crib could bother some mothers too. It's one of those things you've got to feel out before getting someone. When it's said like that, "I even bought them a crib too!" (not exact quotes of anyone, just what I'm getting across) it comes across to me as if since you bought something, you have an expectation for it. And a big one.
Quote from: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 06:20:26 AM
When it's said like that, "I even bought them a crib too!" (not exact quotes of anyone, just what I'm getting across) it comes across to me as if since you bought something, you have an expectation for it. And a big one.
I agree with this, Pam. It's how I would feel, too. Like now I'm supposed to feel obligated to let my baby sleep over at MIL's house because she bought a crib without consulting me and we wouldn't want her money to go to waste. I would be completely turned off if MIL did that, especially without talking to me about it first. And I would probably make a point to not spend the night over there much (and bring the pack n play when I do) to show her without confrontation that anything else like that would be a waste. And when I say she should "talk to me about it first," I don't mean asking me for permission, because obviously that's something she doesn't need. But I think it does show respect towards the mother of the child and respect towards how she prefers to handle her baby to ask her how she would feel about that. Then she could have just told you, 'no I'm not comfortable with that because I don't think the baby will be spending much time over here without us. When she's with us, we will bring her pack and play. I really think it would be a waste of money because it wouldn't be used." I would feel like my MIL was pulling an "underhanded" type of move if she went out and bought a crib for her own house when I was pregnant. However, this is also based on the way my MIL is and how obsessed she was about having grandchildren and foaming at the bit to have one so she could take over. You're the one who made the decision to buy a crib, you really can't be mad at your DIL that it goes unused, you know? That can't be a factor.
Being in a different state, I think seeing them for the amount of time you do as often as you do is a lot. Consider this for a moment when you talk about how they never come to your house- you already see them every 3 months and you're traveling between state lines. When would they have the time in between those 3 months you're already seeing them to pack up their stuff and put baby in the car to make the drive to your house when they're already seeing you every 3 months? I hope you don't feel like it is a slight toward you that they don't come to your house when you're seeing them as often as you do.
I would also like to hear more about what she says and does that makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells?
When my kids were little, I did not let them do grandma sleep-overs for grandma's benefit. I can remember 2 times when it was a necessity but short of that I don't understand why a grandparent would assume that this is a right. As a dil, I would have been taken back by my mother or mil announcing that she had purchased a crib and she was now ready for the babies visit. Just thinking and had to inject that lol.. ok now the thought as passed.
My GPs bought themselves a carseat for DD. To date, it hasn't been used. I don't intend on them taking her anywhere nor do I use them on the rare occasions I need a babysitter. I was tweaked about it.
Nothing personal, they've been in my life almost 30 years and I love them dearly. I'm just not comfortable leaving my child with them. They could've saved themselves the $100 bucks and the space in their car had they just asked. I would've been honest about it. Although, I think they knew what my answer would be, so they bought the darn thing anyway.
I think it is going to boil down to how you feel about the relationship you have with your MIL or Mother. My Mother and Ex-MIL were both aware that I would not mind having my children stay with them on over-nights, and my Mother is a thrifty shopper. So she called when I was pregnant and said, "Oh you will not believe what I got today! The Church had a yard sale and one of the ladies had a very nice crib and I got it for $20. I figured I would get it, so IF the GC stayed over, they would have somewhere to sleep." And it wasn't just me, she fully expected to have more GC later. Now, I also already knew my Mother was buying me an entire new nursery set for a baby shower present. She asked and let me pick it. So her buying the crib, didn't bother me one bit and I never took it as her taking over, just her being ready. My Ex-MIL bought one too, and it was an expensive one! But that is just how my Ex-MIL is about everything. But again, they knew I didn't have an issue with my future kids staying with them some and it wasn't personally about just me, but all the possible future GC.
But I can see that if you make your intentions known that you don't plan on letting your children do over-nights (with not just them, but probably anyone), or you haven't been asked, where this would seem very intrusive and presumptious.
I guess I kind of think of it like my guest room. I have one, just in case someone comes to stay, but I didn't put it together to demand over-night guests or because I have it, expect people to come stay. I know that's like comparing apples to oranges, but I think it does have the same mentality....expectations, respect, asking?
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 06:48:56 AM
Quote from: pam1 on February 25, 2011, 06:20:26 AM
When it's said like that, "I even bought them a crib too!" (not exact quotes of anyone, just what I'm getting across) it comes across to me as if since you bought something, you have an expectation for it. And a big one.
I agree with this, Pam. It's how I would feel, too. Like now I'm supposed to feel obligated to let my baby sleep over at MIL's house because she bought a crib without consulting me and we wouldn't want her money to go to waste. I would be completely turned off if MIL did that, especially without talking to me about it first. And I would probably make a point to not spend the night over there much (and bring the pack n play when I do) to show her without confrontation that anything else like that would be a waste.
I would also like to hear more about what she says and does that makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells?
Maybe people do things differently now, but back in the day, I was taught it was a good thing to accommodate guests, whether they lived nearby or 3 hours away. My db & sil lived next door to dm for years, and weren't the least bit offended that she had a crib, high chair, etc. They were used for all the gc when family came "home" to visit. My gc didn't sleep well in the pack 'n play. It wasn't familiar like his crib. I raced at any hint of noise as he all but climbed out of it numerous times. I bought a crib, too, knowing that I would be keeping gc when dd went back to work. DD was offended, so I sold it. Dd & sil said it was their place to provide for ds. Then, after gs outgrew the pack n' play, he slept on a mat on the floor for over a year. Gs stayed at my home & my sore back had no bearing. Does that qualify as walking on eggshells?
Yeah, it just occured to me too that you bought the crib b/c they live so far away. In case they visit, I get that. But there's also pack n plays that parents get nowadays so I can still see a new mother getting a little antsy about it.
Since my DD began sleeping in a pack n play, and it's quite transportable, it's what I use. Despite having a crib in my own house, the pack n play was used for a long time. She loves it and actually has a better night sleep in it than her crib. So, even if there was a crib at a house, I probably wouldn't use it, and my ILs live 18 hours away. DD is comfortable with the pack n play. It's a little bit of something familiar while we're away.
Rose, I'm sorry your DD wasn't concerned about how hard it would be for you to pick GC up off the floor. :(
Maybe it has something to do with this.... When you are "young" and first starting out in marraige, kids, what-have-you. EVERYONE thinks they need to help you and show you what and how to do things. They act like you have no clue what you are doing and NEED their help even when they just want to figure it out on their own. I'll admit, when/if I have a baby, I Might go to MY mom for advice/help on everyday baby needs, but I won't go to MIL about how to feed/change/bathe and all that jazz and would be very annoyed if she forces her advice on me because I would be hearing "You are just a CHILD and don't know what you're doing. I am SO much BETTER than You, so LET ME do your JOB for you." even if that's not what she says.
I will however ask MIL "medically" kinds of stuff with regards to the kids because she is a nurse. Stuff like "His throats been sore a few days, but no fever, does this look serious to you? Should I take him to the DR. or is it just a cold?" I DO value her opinion, just not on every little thing.
And, whether or not my MIL believes it, I am quite the cook ;) and DH LOVES my cooking. (That is one of her favorite topics to belittle me in lol I just look at the happy look on my hubby's face and let her comments slide off)
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 07:48:12 AM
EVERYONE thinks they need to help you and show you what and how to do things. They act like you have no clue what you are doing and NEED their help even when they just want to figure it out on their own. omments slide off)
I think you're right, ADIL, that had a lot to do with it; and sil was much at fault. When dd struggled, sil always suggested calling dm or mil. I knew from day 1 not to give advice unless asked, & bit my tongue then. I think where I am concerned, there just is no pleasing dd.
Holli, my gs was older than your dd; give her a little more time. Have the camcorder handy for when she starts climbing... : )
Quote from: Rose799 on February 25, 2011, 09:05:29 AM
I think you're right, ADIL, that had a lot to do with it; and sil was much at fault. When dd struggled, sil always suggested calling dm or mil. I knew from day 1 not to give advice unless asked, & bit my tongue then. I think where I am concerned, there just is no pleasing dd.
She probably thinks it makes her look weak. I was raised that it was the woman's responsibility to do the cooking and cleaning. My mom stayed home and home-schooled both my brother and I. So, when DH and I got married, I thought I should take care of the house by myself since he works so hard and does all the repairs and such. Well, that did not last long. I work a full time job too and when I get home, I am just not peppy enough to clean and all that (I'm kinda a Saturday morning clean the house from top to bottom kinda gal lol). I had to admit that I needed DH to help me. That was NOT an easy thing for me to do. It made me feel weak and like a loser because my mom did it. Well, my mom didn't work a full time job and could put laundry away while we worked on math.
Anywho, I think it takes a big person to admit that they can't handle doing something on their own and need help. Maybe your DD just isn't there yet.
Another interesting subject. No offense to anyone, please believe me ladies...it just seems to me that when reading some posts (on other subjects as well), there are just some people that get upset, or offended way too easily and way too much. In my opinion sometimes it comes out sounding more like a control issue instead. Not just MIL, or DIL...a lot of individuals. So silly really. I also bought a crib when my first grandaughter was born...nobody else had bought one, and DS and DIL were then teenagers and not married. They "hinted" to me they needed a crib since baby didn't have one...so I went and bought a new one and gave it to them, plus new mattress of course. Grandaughter never slept in it, she slept with DIL and DS,(they married later after graduation). Yet they pretty much asked me to buy the crib. She slept with them until probably age 6 or 7! I never said a word. Situations are so different, some DIL and DS get offended if MIL buys stuff, others (like mine) get angry because they say we don't BUY ENOUGH. Not all grandparents expect grandkids to be spending nights either, believe me. I adore all mine, and have had them all night many times, but we still work full time and are raising one grandchild. I love to see them and spend time with them, go to school and eat lunch with them, school programs once in a while, love giving them gifts...but I honestly need a break at times and don't want kids all weekend. I am grandma not free sitter. DIL and DS don't let us be involved in grandaughters lives at all now, and we were very limited before that, UNLESS they wanted us to babysit for days while they went on a vacation without the kids of course. Then we were WONDERUL grandparents, especially since they asked if they could take my newer car on the trip, and we said sure! I asked them not to smoke in it though. I do not smoke and have not for several years, and grandchild I am raising has asthma. She is affected by smoke of course (thus the please don't smoke in car request). They did it anyway, how nice. To keep them from getting mad we said NOTHING though. OUCH, my feet hurt from walking on all those sharp egg shells! Gotta keep a sense of humor I guess. Have a most lovely day all ladies here.
JaneF, I agree...we might want to untwist our knickers now and again. It's hard to keep a level head and heart while walking on all those eggshells, though. That's when loving detachment comes in handy. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I'm back in the muck.
Jane F:
Hooray for MIL and GP .you hit the nail right on the head !!
We are great when needed and a pain in the butt when we are not !
I haven't posted here for some time ,as I was getting depressed not by my own personal life but by some of the postings here .
why should we change our personalities ,and pussy foot round some of these young people .If they don't respect you for what you are ,a wife ,mother ,grandmother who has feelings and a heart ...well too bad !
I admit some of the MIL stories here are so bizarre they belong in the medical books ..Please don't list us all in the same category .
When we do things you don't like ,perhaps it's because we want to help eg.buy a cot ( in case you ALL come to stay ) how is this a threat to anybody ??
If you feel threatened by this gesture I suggest you ask your MIL why she has bought it .
It's about time someone spoke up for all the GP's and MIL's .
We are not ALL monsters who want to take over ...we are your DH/Partners MOTHER ...and deserve some respect .
Get rid of the eggshells ladies ...be true to who you are ...we are human beings ...you know what happens to doormats !
Hear, hear! LL, good to have you back. I like your attitude. Maybe one day I'll be a brave, bold DM/MIL instead of an eggshell-walker. My DH would approve; he's very tired of my tendency to overthink and second guess my every word and deed re: DS/DIL.
www.EggshellsAnonymous.com?
Luise...let me be the first to join eggshells.com! lol How funny!
Most of your know about my friend, Jim, right? Well, last night on the phone he asked me how my Web-forum,
WildWomenUnite was coming along? ;D ;D ;D ;D
Wild women huh? lol Three cheers for us wild women!
LOL, now thats a funny name!
I agree LL... I simply am who I am... I can refrain from saying certain things, or from attending activities if I feel I can't do so with the right attitude.. but I do not believe that people just change who they have always been to be accepted by a family member. When you do consciously make the decision to peel off any pretense you must be able to accept the consequences as well. When I finally said NO..no I will not spend time with dil's family if I did not want to.. I fully understood that our family would be left out of many events, and so it is... I'd rather be under less stress and at least control what I can in my own life. No longer do we wait for ds/dil combo to make a showing..they don't show on time, we go on with our plans. At the same time I'll accept them being who they are as a couple, the only time I have a real issue is when I see one being overpowered by the other's wants. But because I'm not tap dancing around any more, I tend to meet all these issues with a head on approach. While it may not always be the most productive approach.. I sleep better at night
But...I think that is the most productive approach.
Tap dancing around is much harder than to to just be yourself, and essentially a waste of time simply b/c it takes longer and more effort.
I also believe that tap dancing is basically a contrived behavior; it's not genuine. If you're not genuine, all your doing is short changing yourself and your family, friends, boss, whomever might require the tap dancing. I can easily tell when someone is being fake with me, so I would think tap dancing would only make one appear to be fake. I'm not sure I'd like that much; I know my actions aren't genuine when tap dancing seems required of me. Yes, the wanted behavior is there, but not the well-meaning intent or the natural reactions that come when I can be myself.
Though I despised it, I tip-toed for the sake of seeing the gc. I have questioned whether it is worth the payoff, given that we've seen them once in the past 3 months. I haven't figured out whether it's to their advantage that we be in their lives or shelter them from this. I worry what may happen if dd no longer has a scapegoat.
Dd is controlling & manipulative. It's a no-win situation, and I don't want to cause problems between sil & dd. Something changed around the beginning of the year. I just stopped calling, e-mailing, inviting or asking to see the gc. Dd knows how we feel. If she wanted us to see them, she'd have found a way. Instead, she hasn't been over in more than a year. Given that she's a SAHM, I'd think she could manage, as she did back when I babysat while she worked. I've reached the point that if dd wants a relationship, she needs to start doing her share of the heavy lifting. I'll continue sending mail to the gc. It's really all I can do now.
Luise, did your ds prevent you from seeing gc?
Quote from: holliberri on February 27, 2011, 08:16:50 PM
Tap dancing around is much harder than to to just be yourself, and essentially a waste of time simply b/c it takes longer and more effort.
It's exhausting Holli. I just haven't figured out a better alternative. Is being yourself or saying how you feel worth losing limited visits with gc? I don't know.
I really don't want to drag my story out again ....water under the bridge etc .
however I do know that during the conflict I was a mess ...didn't sleep ,eat ,function normally .
It couldn't go on .
Things came to a head when I was forbidden to see my GD until I made it up with DIL.!
What can you do ?
I sent an honest email to her stating all my grievances (as she put it ) . She also sent me one too .
So everything is out in the open .You can either deal with it ,or sulk forever and a day with no solution.
The upshot was ,we agreed to let each other know what ,if anything is bugging us . So no more silences ,like why did she say or do that .We talk about it . I put no pressure on her for visits etc .hoping she would want to come and see me .
Sure we had a cooling off period .Now we know where things stand and shall I say a mutual respect .
I do not offer any advice unless asked for it .I do not criticise any parenting whatsoever .She is the Mom ..full stop !!
Guess what ? I have been invited to visit and babysit !
They have visited me twice in a month ! Bearing in mind they live 20 miles away .
Maybe this won't work for everyone , different personalities ,situations etc .,but it will help you sleep at night
and gradually you will become the person you used to be ,and that can't be bad can it ?? lol
Quote from: lancaster lady on February 28, 2011, 01:05:23 AM
head when I was forbidden to see my GD until I made it up with DIL.!
What can you do ?
I sent an honest email to her stating all my grievances (as she put it ) . She also sent me one too .
So everything is out in the open .You can either deal with it ,or sulk forever and a day with no solution.
The upshot was ,we agreed to let each other know what ,if anything is bugging us . So no more silences ,like why did she say or do that .We talk about it . I put no pressure on her for visits etc .hoping she would want to come and see me .
Sure we had a cooling off period .Now we know where things stand and shall I say a mutual respect .
I would love for something like this with my MIL. I "sense" that she hates me, but I don't know why. I need to be told what I did to make her feel this way (other than stealing her baby of course lol ;)) She has been informed of my "grievances" with her, but there still has been no resolution. :(
Quote from: lancaster lady on February 28, 2011, 01:05:23 AM
I really don't want to drag my story out again ....water under the bridge etc .
however I do know that during the conflict I was a mess ...didn't sleep ,eat ,function normally .
It couldn't go on .
Things came to a head when I was forbidden to see my GD until I made it up with DIL.!
What can you do ?
I sent an honest email to her stating all my grievances (as she put it ) . She also sent me one too .
So everything is out in the open .You can either deal with it ,or sulk forever and a day with no solution.
The upshot was ,we agreed to let each other know what ,if anything is bugging us . So no more silences ,like why did she say or do that .We talk about it . I put no pressure on her for visits etc .hoping she would want to come and see me .
Sure we had a cooling off period .Now we know where things stand and shall I say a mutual respect .
I do not offer any advice unless asked for it .I do not criticise any parenting whatsoever .She is the Mom ..full stop !!
Guess what ? I have been invited to visit and babysit !
They have visited me twice in a month ! Bearing in mind they live 20 miles away .
Maybe this won't work for everyone , different personalities ,situations etc .,but it will help you sleep at night
and gradually you will become the person you used to be ,and that can't be bad can it ?? lol
LL, what did you say to her when she gave you all her grievances and vice versa? Did you guys say "sorry I did that," or "I can see where you're coming from," or just nothing? Just curious!
Hi Lancaster Lady,
That is really good news that you and your DIL were able to air your grievances in a mature manner. Do you feel now that your relationship is on an equal footing? I ask because my dd and I had a similar talk before Christmas, however, it was really all about her, she did not give too much attention to what I had to say. I think I had for some time been letting her know that I was not getting the kind of relationship I wanted from my children, and this made me realize that I never will. Rose, your daughter sounds like mine, I am still having to walk on eggshells, my dd never calls, I will probably see them 3-4 times a year, on gc birthdays, but the alternative would be never to see them at all, and I don't want my gc to think I abandoned them.
JaneF- I think sometimes you are right, it is about control. But I think in some cases, it is about respect for the parents of the child and their wishes. Or- if you do get the crib without talking to them first, don't try to hold it over their heads and remind them "well I do have this crib here." That's not really their concern because they didn't ask you to get it. I just know for me, I know I'm not respected and I know my feelings and wishes are not respected by any of my ILs. So it would go a long way with me (if we were on speaking terms) for them to ask, "Hey, how would you feel about this?" That they were actually acknowledging that I was the parent first before they were the grandparent- because in so many other situations, they've completely steamrolled that concept, and the worst part is that I'm not even pregnant or expecting!! It's not about control on my end, it would just go a long way to know that they are interested in being on the same page as the parent. I know myself, I know my anxiety problems, and I know that I will really have no interest in letting my child spend the night at anyone else's house. That's my hangup, and I fully admit to that. But it's not about control. I hope I explained myself okay.
I do agree that sometimes it is. But not always.
ITA OW. I think it goes a long way for anyone to just ask. Everyone is going to think about things differently, no harm in getting on the same page.
I think it is in perceptions and how the entire relationship has been.
1. If my DIL was expecting and I bought her a case of newborn diapers (the kind she mentioned she wanted) and took one pack out and left it at my house (because she had let me know I would be able to have the baby some) and told her that I left one pack at my house so she wouldn't have to tote diapers back and forth, she should not be offended. If she is, then she is the one with a problem.
2. If my DIL was expecting and I bought her a case of newborn diapers (the kind I thought were best even if she hated them) and took one pack out and left it at my house (because I am assuming I will get to have the baby some) and gave her the rest saying "In case you forget to pack diapers, I kept some", she should be offended. That is all on me about treating her with disrespect.
So seriously, we have to be honest. Is it really about a crib or a pack of diapers? Or is it about how the entire relationship has gone and our feelings about this person? If it's situation #2, then you are totally right in your feelings about disrespect. But if it's situation #1, then it's a control issue.
Agreed, Pooh. I have consistently been steamrolled as has my DH whenever we have our own feelings, so to me it would show so much for them to actually consider our feelings as the parents. I think the reason I'm stuck on that is because the OP made sure to mention, "I even bought a crib and it hasn't been used." I mean, why is that her DIL's fault or problem? I just don't see the relevance. If she didn't talk with her before buying the crib for her own house, she really has no right to be upset that the crib hasn't been used. I think that was my rub. Mostly because I was wondering if that has been brought up to the DIL. "But I even bought a crib for baby!" That would bother me in so many ways.
I think that is the difference OW. Is it sincere or just another "look what I did and you don't appreciate it", which in this case is what happened. It would bother me too in that scenario.
I would love for something like this with my MIL. I "sense" that she hates me, but I don't know why. I need to be told what I did to make her feel this way (other than stealing her baby of course lol ) She has been informed of my "grievances" with her, but there still has been no resolution.
Anon :
Do you think she knows you feel this way ? I would feel awful if my DIL thought this despite our differences . You should ask her ..it's a shame if you want things to work .Tell her you would like to work things out .It's great if you can do this being thoughtful of each others feelings .I don't mean eggshells here ,just no abuse or insults ..lol
OW:
i think we were both unaware of how each other felt about everything .
Also the effect some things had on each other .
We apologised and agreed to let each other know if either one upset the other .
with a mutual agreement like this it's hard to take offence when told .
Jill;
We now have a mutual respect I hope for each other but equal footing ?
She is the mom and as far as GD is concerned she is top dog .
I am the GP ,shall we say I now am being treated with more consideration ,thankfully.
I hope your DD has taken some of your talk to heart and a reconciliation comes soon ..x
Just for the record ,I never bought a crib for my house as I never envisaged them staying over .
However my DIL FOO has a nursery full of equipment as they stay over often .
Maybe one day it'll be my turn ,but it's their call .
There are some things I've learnt through all this .
The DIL is the MOM ....and her word goes regarding the GC .
Your DS will love you more if you and his DW/Partner get on together .
what I would say is we don't have a crystal ball to see what the other person feels .
So communication is the key ...really hard to face your demons but what is the alternative?
Getting it all out in the open worked for me ,I couldn't let it go on any longer .
I feel a bit like a preacher here ,I don't mean to be .
I'm so grateful we worked things out ,and hope you guys can to .
as Luise says ''Sending Love ''
Quote from: lancaster lady on February 28, 2011, 10:48:12 AM
Do you think she knows you feel this way ? I would feel awful if my DIL thought this despite our differences . You should ask her ..it's a shame if you want things to work .Tell her you would like to work things out .It's great if you can do this being thoughtful of each others feelings .I don't mean eggshells here ,just no abuse or insults ..lol
DH has told her before that I feel this way, but it is always the "that's not true" from her, but her attitude towards me never changes. I guess I'm a little afraid to sit down and chat with her about it because well, she kinda scares the crap outta me! lol She is very formidable and thinks she is always right.
She does know what she has done to make me dislike her (I foolishly wrote her a letter thinking that could help... Didn't!) and she just denied doing any of the things that she did and called me a liar. I really don't know where to go from here because I don't like confrontation and things are "okay" right now (but that just because I bottle up the resentment when I am around her which I know isn't healthy and won't solve things).
I have also learned (even though I hate it lol) that it is "cowardly" to "cut someone off." Ugh! It would be so much "easier" lol
It may be cowardly to cut someone off at times but not always. Sometimes survival is involved. Sending love...
I don't think it's always cowardly. If you don't have any decent choices left and there is abuse involved, I see it as self-preservation. It's really not that easy to cut someone off. It sure sounds like it though.
Often the last resort for those of us who have felt the need to do it.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." I don't think a cut off/time out is cowardly. I think that something in a problematic relationship has to change to move things forward. The short story, my FIL had a short fuse and anger issues, and my MIL was horribly depressed and clingy. Things escalated until DH and I cut them off/put them in a time out until we felt that they were addressing the issues. Since we never thought they'd get help, for us it was a decision to cut off. They have since started counseling, FIL has completed an anger management workshop, they are taking steps to deal with their issues, and we're cautiously restarting contact. If we hadn't started the cut off and held strong, then we'd never be at this point. Sometimes a cut off is the bravest thing you can do because it's not easy. But if your presence is enabling them to continue unhealthy behaviors, then it's the right choice.
As far as the crib goes, I agree that anyone can spend their money however they like, provided it isn't illegal. But they can't expect other people to do what they want just because they bought something. "If you build it, they will come" only works in the movies.
And I think people are reasonably aware that people draw conclusions from what you purchase. I know I was horribly embarrassed as a teenager to by tampons because people would assume I had gotten my period. If I heard that my mother or MIL bought a crib for our child, I'd be wondering why. Do they expect us to visit overnight? To have our child overnight? And if so, I'd find that very presumptuous.
Someone mentioned a guest room, and I like that analogy. If you make a guest room, it does imply an expectation that you'll have an overnight guest at some point. So by buying a crib, it does imply you expect to have the child sleep at your house at some point. Now let's say no one ever uses the guest room. Do you think it's appropriate to call your out of town friends and ask why they're not coming since you spent all this money to furnish a guest room? No, because they didn't ask you to do so. Likewise, if she's saying to her DIL, "Why haven't you come? I bought a crib just so you could" it's unreasonable. Unless the DIL asked for the crib, she's under no obligation to use it.
The MIL/DIL relationship is very interesting. Two women who may or may not have anything in common are expected to get along because they both are linked to the DS/DH. In addition, there is this odd expectation that there will be a friendship almost immediately (such as phone calls, lunches, visits, cards, sharing personal information) when these two women haven't had the normal time to form this type of relationship. I think in this situation, less is more. Let the relationship form slowly....in a way that's how most other relationships develop.
Well, Clover! Believe it or not I was thinking about you today! Great post!
How's your daughter doing? Job? Combination?
Quote from: clover on February 28, 2011, 11:47:42 AM
Sometimes a cut off is the bravest thing you can do because it's not easy. But if your presence is enabling them to continue unhealthy behaviors, then it's the right choice.
Hi, Clover! Well said. I think that is a very thought provoking statement. I struggle with our cut off more than I think even my DH does (of course I'm the woman so I've got more emotions) and it's his family. It's not easy at all. I hate feeling at odds with someone. It's especially not easy when you're up against not 1 or 2 but an ENTIRE family of enablers who try to bully you (either aggressively or covertly) into keeping things status quo. It definitely is the brave thing to do in some situations. It took my DH a lot of courage and self esteem to finally stand up to his family, something that had been stirring inside him for 28 years.
It helped solidify that when we visited MIL's counselor once and the counselor told my DH that he was doing the right thing, that the right thing to do is not always easy, and that when you're dealing with a whole family of enmeshed members who enable each other constantly- there always has to be SOMEONE that breaks the cycle. Someone has to be strong enough to stop the madness. This is something we knew, but felt very validated when the counselor told us that himself. The strong ones will get demonized, but at the end of the day, you are anything BUT a coward! Great post!
Clover,
I think that is well said.
I have never been more mortified in a store than when I was buying a pregnancy test. I don't wear wedding rings (never could get into jewelry), and I was alone. I purchased that and a candy bar. The cashier looked at the box, then looked at me. She looked at the box again, then looked at me. I smiled. She said, "Honey, I'm SO sorry you have to go through this. Single motherhood is so difficult." Assumptions are no good sometimes!
I definitely agree with you: less is more. I keep a few close friends (lots of friendly acquaintances), and that's it...those relationships took a long time to cultivate.
OW,
Cutting off in your instance seems like it could break the cycle. In my mom's family however, cutting off IS the cycle. My grandma stopped talking to her mom b/c she cut her mom (my g-ma's g-ma) off. My mom has since cut my grandma off for cutting off her mom (my mom's g-ma). I did at one point cut my mom off for not talking to her mom (my g-ma)....but I've decided that there is indeed a cycle and it does need breaking. I think that's why my cut-off stance is so firm; I've seen how worthless one feels when they're cutoff...and I see the wedge it drives into previously fine family relations.
I don't doubt that cutting off was a serious decision for you, but in my family, it's done very cavalierly, for hardly any reason at all. (You didn't give me money? Cut off. You didn't stop talking to my ex? Cut off. You didn't want to co-sign for my boat? Cut off. You didn't come for Sunday dinner? Cut off).
Wow! Is there anyone left, HB?
No, not really. My brother and I are straddling the fence keeping several segments of a family together. It's petty, it's silly and exhausting.
Can anyone tell I've had coffee for the first time in a year today!? Ugh. Sorry for mass posting today.
Better go jogging and run some of it off! ;D ;D ;D And you're fine here!)
Wow, that's crazy, HB. I find a human relationship to be more valuable than just a snap of a finger or a money issue. I must admit that we do have a problem with his family "talking to his ex" as you mentioned before, however, that's just one of many reasons that factored into "breaking the cycle." And we're not just talking about an ex here, we're talking about a very devious, bitter woman who did all she could to ruin my DH's life and leave him broke and left living on the street. All of this after they had already divorced and she found out there was a new woman. I think it's not just about "the ex" but that is another example of the complete lack of respect they have for him. How he could say "it hurts me and I feel betrayed, do you not care about all the things this woman has done to try to ruin my life?" To have them still associate with someone who should be over and done with last chapter and have it not be important enough to them that it hurts him was part of the reason. I mean the girl said she hoped his overweight 13 year old cousin (sweetest kid in the world) would die of type 2 diabetes, can you really fault us for not understanding why their relationship with her is more important than the relationship with him? Just thought I should be straightforward. :) Of course, if that was our only issue with them and they hadn't done other things to try to ruin our marriage or make him feel bad for starting a new life, I don't think it would be an issue at all. If that was my only problem with them, I'd think of myself as a pretty lucky DIL, all things considered. Sorry...just sounding things out in my head...
I remember the story about your DH's ex, OW. I believe that cutting off may be your safest option, even if it is not ideal.
In this case, my mom cut off her parents (this very last time) b/c they talk to my dad (who she gets along with). She had the affairs, she divorced him. They were married for 18 years. She just doesn't think it's right her parents would talk to him. She thinks they're not on "her side."
So they are essentially cut off b/c they, themselves didn't cut off (of course, they taught her this sort of tactic too, so you reap what you sow?).
I couldn't ask someone to cut another person they grew to love over an issue I had with them, provided there was no harm caused. Just not happening.
Quote from: jill on February 28, 2011, 07:14:53 AM
Your daughter sounds like mine, I am still having to walk on eggshells, my dd never calls, I will probably see them 3-4 times a year, on gc birthdays, but the alternative would be never to see them at all, and I don't want my gc to think I abandoned them.
It's all very familiar. I'm so very sorry Jill.
I understand what you're saying, LL. I have been down that road. I don't criticize dd's parenting skills, but I did ask that she use a different form of punishment than gm. We see them so seldom, it doesn't seem fair that gs not be allowed to play or hang up the phone with gm because he did X.
Like you, I wrote an honest letter. Dd didn't want to discuss past history & besides, she viewed it all differently.
I'm really happy that you & dil made amends, LL. You're fortunate that dil was willing to meet you part way. There just isn't anything mutual about my situation.
For the record, I don't mind the preaching, in fact, it may not hurt to add on a few prayers. :)
I am finding this thread very informative and interesting, as I think it does show all our individual thoughts on a subject. I mentioned the guest room thing. And yes, I have one with no expectations that anyone will use it. It may never get used but yet I feel better knowing if the situation comes up, I can offer it. It makes me feel better to have it.
I still think someone's treatment of you in the past, determines how you feel about actions they do now. Once someone oversteps their boundaries, treats you with disrespect or breaks your trust....it is normal to be leery of any actions they do now. If you haven't had an issue with a person, you don't question their intentions about things. Or at least I don't until they prove otherwise.
Quote from: holliberri on February 28, 2011, 01:00:36 PM
I remember the story about your DH's ex, OW. I believe that cutting off may be your safest option, even if it is not ideal.
In this case, my mom cut off her parents (this very last time) b/c they talk to my dad (who she gets along with). She had the affairs, she divorced him. They were married for 18 years. She just doesn't think it's right her parents would talk to him. She thinks they're not on "her side."
So they are essentially cut off b/c they, themselves didn't cut off (of course, they taught her this sort of tactic too, so you reap what you sow?).
I couldn't ask someone to cut another person they grew to love over an issue I had with them, provided there was no harm caused. Just not happening.
That's really unfortunate that your family is like that, but it's nice to hear that you're breaking the cycle! We're rebels, aren't we? ;) I agree with your last statement too- especially when 2 people have kids together! Grandparents or other family members shouldn't be expected to "choose."
I think cut-offs can be the ultimate high for some people... it's like a power trip without drugs and used as weapon of convenience will seldom get the final results you were aiming for. I've also seen people cut off others and never bothered to tell the other person why. A not so close acquaintance who has ticked you off, I would simply walk away from. But when you're talking about family and family members who have not done something horrific like exposed themselves to Auntie Mae and her poodle, I think often there are other ways to work through problems.
I suppose being cut off is the same as being shunned, which DH & I were for a few months. No reason given, in fact DIL said it wasn't due to anything we'd said or done (this via DS.)
It hurt us deeply, devastated our family, and caused us to become very wary of DIL. DS was extremely upset. When DIL suddenly started joining DS on visits she acted as if nothing had happened. DH & I followed suit, but inside we're still wary. DIL's antics will affect us for a long time.
Of course you would be hurt for a long time Pen. Not many people can feel that type of pain, especially knowing that there was no reason for it and not let a little bit of the reality linger.
Now I know this is not a crib topic.. but look at what was just sent to me via email.. lol..
(http://i1201.photobucket.com/albums/bb341/LaurieSS/the-pod-cot-by-ubabub-for-modern-babies-large2.jpg)
Quote from: Pen on February 28, 2011, 02:55:20 PM
I suppose being cut off is the same as being shunned, which DH & I were for a few months. No reason given, in fact DIL said it wasn't due to anything we'd said or done (this via DS.)
It hurt us deeply, devastated our family, and caused us to become very wary of DIL. DS was extremely upset. When DIL suddenly started joining DS on visits she acted as if nothing had happened. DH & I followed suit, but inside we're still wary. DIL's antics will affect us for a long time.
Shunned = cutoff in my book.
I don't know how you couldn't be wary. I mean...who is to say she won't let that happen again? I've seen it go on in my family off and on for years (I like to think it's their sick way of saying "I love you.")--bad joke, I know. In fact, when one thing appears okay one moment, and not the next, and then after a little while appears to be okay again, I don't think you have a choice but to maintain your guard.
Is that a crib? It's very cute but I don't think I'm tall enough to lean all the way down to lay a baby gently in that.
I think what Pens DIL did was time out, not cut off. She even admitted later she had no reason to do it. Not that it makes it any better, she's obviously very immature and selfish.
I don't think shunning is quite the same as cut off. Shunning, seems to me, to be used by a group of people ostracize one person. I think it's easier to shun an outlaw (person who marries into the family) rather than FOO. A cut off is someone deciding that one persons behavior isn't acceptable to them, not deciding for a group as a whole. Just my opinion
Yes it's a crib
I didn't know you were suppose to be gentle
I think Pen felt cut off.. time out is when you've been bad
I agree with Pam's definition of shunning
Yeah, I'm sure it's not a pleasant feeling. I think what Pens DIL does is play "Mean Girl" games. The girl bullying type of stuff. She probably has no idea there is another way.
Looks like a really safe crib, no sharp edges. But I am short too, I would probably end up dropping the baby in.
Maybe a half-size playpen? Is that child going to chew on the plastic side? How safe is plasticizer?
Carcinogenic?
I would think that the plastic would be bpa free, just like my storage containers... pretty crib tho huh...
Thank you for the advice from DILs to myself. To clarify....the crib is here at my home to use when they visit. I would never buy a crib expecting her to use it in her home. It was bought when my granddaughter was born, so that she would have a place to sleep. It was placed in the guest bedroom (where DS and DIL would sleep) so that the baby would be able to stay with them. They live 10 hours away from us.
How do you respond to individual's comments or are they post in general? Sorry, I'm not an internet gu-ru and I'm a little confused.
Thank you for any advice from DILs.
I must say I am completely confused on the issue "I bought a crib." I bought this for the comfort of my grandbaby. Maybe, this is wrong. It was bought in good faith, so after they traveled 10 hours (longer with a baby) it would be there for them to have in the same room as they were staying. I need to say that DIL does not know about the crib. I am so saddened at the reaction (even though I will never have the opportunity to) of the DILs who are offended at grandchildren staying with grandparents. My children visited with their grandparents often. I remember my children sleeping on blankets on the floor...which was perfectly fine (thus, the reason I thought I would buy a crib). There was absolutely NO ulterior motive in this purchase...only love. I never knew doing something in good faith could result in these feelings? I must say that visiting 3-4 times a year seemed okay. DIL has her mom over every week. Why is it so horrible that I see my grandchild, son and DIL 3-4 times a year? Help me understand this. I guess this is where I am going wrong. :'( I sincerely want this to work so I may really enjoy my family as it should be. Please, understand that I believe my DIL is a wonderful, Christian woman who is a great wife and mother. I just want things to get better and go more smoothly. I just don't understand that when I call my granddaughter "Princess" or "Beautiful" I am told that is not her name and to call her by her name. I just want to be me! But I humbly obey...
Dear Pen, Thank you!
LL
I am very happy for you....It must feel wonderful to be asked to babysit. Maybe, one day...we will get there. :D
Mama Tani, I don't get it either. Apparently some DILs feel pressured by presence of a crib in the GPs house. I also don't understand why there's such a discrepency in the amount of time the ILs get vs the amount of time we get. But there it is...I'm sure their reasoning makes sense to them.
We just didn't draw the lucky cards, some of us. Although I know first hand that there are awful MILs who deserve to be contained, not every MIL who is treated poorly deserves it. What are you going to do to be kind to yourself today, tomorrow, and next week?
Dear Pen,
I like you. You seem very level headed! You are right in the fact that some of this seems uncomprehensible. I appreciate it when she cleans the sheets, sets up the towels, etc. when we visit. So, I guess I do not understand when we make a "kind" guesture; it comes off as controlling and offensive. I really, truly never meant that. My heart was in the right place! I only mentioned the crib b/c I was trying to show I desired to have them visit...which hurts me greatly that they have not yet! And yes...I did expect them to visit occationally? Is this so unthinkable? They are young and busy. I guess driving that far is much for them at this time in their life. I accept this and I visit them (right or wrong- I want my granddaughter to know me) Seeing me 12 days a year should not be too much time to spend with her. I honestly am doing my best to get along :)
I know with the passion I am reading (both ways) that this subject is very emotional for most of us! After feelings are hurt... we often get defensive and reactive. I guess MIL/DIL problems have existed for a long time...it is no wonder I can't make it better in 6 years.
I had my hair done right before I visited...that way I got a pampering before I went south. Loved it. I am hoping to ride my horse this weekend. I am a nurse and on call often (about 15-17 days a month) which prevents me from enjoying this. We shall see if the weather permits.
How about you? What do you do to relax and cool off? Good-luck...
Thanks for the talking....
I have no answers to your questions, Mama Tani, but I do know how you feel. I'm so sorry...
Tani;
When I get time off from work ,I like to paint !
Before you know ,3 or 4 hours have passed and you have to down brushes to prepare the dinner !
Drat ! Now where I go to during those few hours I'm not sure , but it sure is peaceful .
with my DIL , I wait patiently until I get a visit or an invite .It's on her terms with no pressure from me ,it seems to work .
Surely if your son was single you would see him on a regular basis ,so what's the difference .?
WE MIL's seem to have to toe the line always .....when do we get a break ?
This will open a can of worms but, do DIL's ever go out of their way to accommodate their MIL's?
Ouch !!
I can feel the hits from here !! lol
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 28, 2011, 12:33:06 PM
Wow, that's crazy, HB. I find a human relationship to be more valuable than just a snap of a finger or a money issue.
I may have thought that in the past...until it happened to us.
Money issues forever altered our relationship with dh's parents. They didn't see the kids for about a year and a half or more...and I didn't even speak to them for over two years. Did I mention during all this we were in the process of moving onto land adjoining theirs and now live next to them?
I now speak to them when I have to. I've had them to my house for Xmas dinner and I'll go there for a bday dinner for dh. They do see the kids several times a month. I fell nothing for them now except annoyance that I even have to deal with them. It's much better than it was...I spent a couple of years hating their guts.
Sometimes you just can't put things back right. The ils get to see the kids...I'm sure not as they like since it's on mostly my terms, but I don't care. They are uncomfortable around me now: They want me around...but are unhappy that things aren't the way they used to be and frankly, they act like they are scared of me. Good.
We all must realize that we CAN do things in our relationships with other people and that the relationships will never fully recover. Sometimes things just can't be taken back or made right.
Quote from: Mama Tani on March 04, 2011, 08:19:29 PM
I must say I am completely confused on the issue "I bought a crib." I bought this for the comfort of my grandbaby. Maybe, this is wrong. It was bought in good faith, so after they traveled 10 hours (longer with a baby) it would be there for them to have in the same room as they were staying. I need to say that DIL does not know about the crib. I am so saddened at the reaction (even though I will never have the opportunity to) of the DILs who are offended at grandchildren staying with grandparents. My children visited with their grandparents often. I remember my children sleeping on blankets on the floor...which was perfectly fine (thus, the reason I thought I would buy a crib). There was absolutely NO ulterior motive in this purchase...only love. I never knew doing something in good faith could result in these feelings? I must say that visiting 3-4 times a year seemed okay. DIL has her mom over every week. Why is it so horrible that I see my grandchild, son and DIL 3-4 times a year? Help me understand this. I guess this is where I am going wrong. :'( I sincerely want this to work so I may really enjoy my family as it should be. Please, understand that I believe my DIL is a wonderful, Christian woman who is a great wife and mother. I just want things to get better and go more smoothly. I just don't understand that when I call my granddaughter "Princess" or "Beautiful" I am told that is not her name and to call her by her name. I just want to be me! But I humbly obey...
[size=8pt[/size]I am sure you had the best intentions having bought the crib and you sound like a very loving person.
DIL 's are funny creatures. They seem to feel threatened by MIL'S and this tends to be on the son's mothers side mostly.
I think perhaps putting myself in this position had it been my MIL may be completely differant in your situation.
My MIL was critical of everything I did and put me down as much as she could. She was a control freak so I guess if she bought a crib this would have been my reaction towards her.My thought would have been "She wants to control my babies too"
Hope this explains my reaction to your post
(((Hugs)))
LL- I can honestly say that I did go out of my way to accommodate my MIL in the beginning for awhile. It left me feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated because the more I gave, the more they were all poking and prodding for "more, more more." Which leads me to where I am today. It didn't start out like this. I was the "best" FDIL in the world, but there's only so far someone can be pushed before they start to push back.
Quote from: Mama Tani on March 04, 2011, 09:20:50 PM
I only mentioned the crib b/c I was trying to show I desired to have them visit...which hurts me greatly that they have not yet! And yes...I did expect them to visit occationally? Is this so unthinkable?
I think you got the reaction to the crib because to be honest we've had some mil's here who have almost stated.. I purchased a crib, now bring that child for overnight visits, they must stay 24 hours, one night a month. There is such a difference between that and having place for a baby to sleep if the parent do come to visit.
I personally did not leave my babies for my in-laws or my parents to babysit for.. once they were older the kids would beg to go to Grandma's and they did on a regular basis. I think it was misunderstood here and that your intention was not to have them leave the child in your care but to have the family visit your home, am I correct?
It's to much to hope that they will visit with you occasionally, and while I know it's hard to travel with a baby etc, it's hard to say that this is their reasoning. I hope it works out for you in the near future.
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on March 05, 2011, 06:00:15 PM
"more, more more."
My MIL actually says this as we're making plans with them. "No....more, more, more!"
Mama Tani, just b/c some of us feel that way about a crib...doesn't mean your DIL will. We're not really wrong for feeling the way we do about it. In my experience, the people that have bought things like that have always had ulterior motives. My GPs bought a carseat for my DD b/c they think they're going to babysit sometime (they never ever will), but now that they have it, they make mention of it at every opportunity. My DH was away this week and my mom picked my DD up to take her to daycare one morning when I went in early...my GPs found out about this and had a fit: "We live right here...why couldn't we take her? We bought that carseat, and it's not getting used. It's not fair."
So, yes, if they bought a crib; they'd have every expectation of having my DD over there for weekly overnight stays.
Since this isn't your intention, you don't have a thing to hide! Just be honest about your intentions. I don't see that it's a huge deal.
I think the biggest problem in most relationships, not just DIL/MIL, but when two groups of people find themselves expected to blend with another group of people is simply too many expectations. I think we worry too much. Believe me, I am the pot calling the kettle black here.
We just saw SD and SIL yesterday for about an hour and a half. SIL's D is having some pretty serious issues, so the flew here for the weekend to help a bit. Out of that weekend, we only got an hour and a half. At first, I was a little miffed, but then, they came only because of the seriousness of SIL's D's issues and not for us. They really cannot afford to fly here even once a year and if there weren't these issues in SIL's family, we would not have seen them at all. So, I let it go. But, I have to say I got a little petty satisfaction when SD complained about the dirty house they were staying in and the total lack of food. It was important for them to stay where they did so they could be close, but they would have had a better time of it if they had stayed with us. They would have at least been fed. But, they did a lot of good for SIL's D, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am only one person who wants to see them, there are many more who need them.
The point I am trying to make is that we M's are no longer the center of our adult children's lives, and no were near the center of our DIL's or SIL's lives. They have their own families and their own comfort zones with people who are not a part of their FOO. Yeah, it sucks rocks when we don't get to be as much a part of things as we want to be and it seems like we have to walk on water just to get what little we do get. Our choice is how we let that impact the rest of our lives. We can wallow in our pain and in the hows and whys and should bes, but those are things we don't have any control over, so why obsess?
Once again, I am the pot calling the kettle black here. My relationship with SD has been painful over the years. I gave and gave and gave only to be kicked in the teeth. I asked the whys and the hows, I had expectations that were never met, I was disappointed constantly, and I tried so hard to be what she needed me to be only to be resented for meeting her expectations. I finally got to the point where I quit trying and I quit expecting anything from her. I just take what I can get when it is offered. I put only as much effort as I feel comfortable with, and I don't do anything unless I am asked to do it and it works for everyone. I think she got it that she pushed me too far and is now a lot more reasonable. If I don't expect anything, I am never disappointed. Having said that, she knows better than to treat me with disrespect to my face or to try to walk all over me. She got burned early on several times before she learned that lesson.
The whys and the hows might help in learning how to deal with unreasonable people or to understand their perspective and to step back, disengage and to stop taking it all so personally, but in the end what changes things is a change in our own attitude and in our actions. What also helped with my SD was accepting that even though her M was crazy and her D's side of the family were only using her and I was always the one who was there for her with no strings attached, her first loyalty was always going to be with them. That is just the way it is and no matter how unfair that is, SD is pretty messed up emotionally because of these people and there is nothing I can do to change that. So, because I love her, I will always be there for her and expect nothing in return because she has nothing to give me. This is my choice. I could totally step out of it and let DH deal with her alone, but I chose to be a part of it, therefore, I chose to accept the consequences of never being appreciated for what I do. It has been a long road to get here full of misteps and mistakes, but here I am, and I don't think I am any sort of unique or special person for being able to get to this place. Mostly, I am here out of self-preservation. I just could not hurt over the situation any more, so I made some hard choices.
We all, both DILs and MILs sometimes have to make some hard choices out of self-preservation.
Dear Mama Tani
Since everyone else has touched on the crib bit, I'd like to address another bit you had in the original post but first I have a question. What does your DIL do to cause you to walk on eggshells? Is she flat out rude? Does she just give dirty looks often? Do you believe she's "controlling"? Is she confrontational? Is she extremely sarcastic to the point where it's rude?
You say that you think she is a wonderful mother and wife, yet you also say that your DS has basically given up & gives in to her. I'm confused by this and what you mean by it. How can your DIL be a wonderful wife yet have her DH give up? Do you talk to your DS about his wife or her FOO?
Also, when you visit for the 3-4 days do you stay at their house? Or do you get a hotel? 4 days of living under the same roof as my MIL or even my parents would be a little much, especially every 3-4 months.
I know that my MIL thinks "her baby" has given in to me and is on a string and I'm the puppet master, but she could never be more wrong. My DH is free to visit/call/skype her whenever he wants, but the truth is, he doesn't want to.
I think the way to go for most MIL 's is to back off .
Tell them you're there if they need you anytime .
I think we come over as being desperate .Which will push them in the other direction , they don't want
you as a responsibility.
Once they realise you are not on their backs 24/7 ,they will get round (hopefully) to asking you round etc.
I know I was desperate to see my GD everyday if I could .Then I realised ,would I want my MIL over every day when I was a new Mom ....? No way .
It's hard for us MIL to get the message .....but could you let us down gently please ?
Quote from: justus on March 06, 2011, 09:53:22 AM
The whys and the hows might help in learning how to deal with unreasonable people or to understand their perspective and to step back, disengage and to stop taking it all so personally, but in the end what changes things is a change in our own attitude and in our actions.
You are so right, justus~
You mentioned that DIL doesn't know about the crib.... My guess is that it has probably gotten through the grapevine to her.... BUT that might not be the reason they don't visit you. They might just not have the time. If DH's family were 10 hours away, they would be lucky to see him once or twice a year. We are just too busy.
Plus all the other stuff you need for a baby might be overwhelming to pack in a car and travel. When your GD is a little older and travels "easier," they might come visit.... Especially if you don't make your quarterly visit to their house.
That being said, I DO have a crib in my house. Everyone knows it. I do not have children. I collect dolls. I have been collecting them for a long time. They are on display in the crib, but easily moved should the need arise for someone to use the crib. But, they also know that I have no desire to have any babies over night lol Just if they are here for a visit and need to put a little one down for a bit, they can in the crib without and problems. :-)
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 07, 2011, 05:50:43 AM
You mentioned that DIL doesn't know about the crib.... My guess is that it has probably gotten through the grapevine to her.... BUT that might not be the reason they don't visit you. They might just not have the time. If DH's family were 10 hours away, they would be lucky to see him once or twice a year. We are just too busy.
Plus all the other stuff you need for a baby might be overwhelming to pack in a car and travel. When your GD is a little older and travels "easier," they might come visit.... Especially if you don't make your quarterly visit to their house.
being said, I DO have a crib in my house. Everyone knows it. I do not have children. I collect dolls. I have been collecting them for a long time. They are on display in the crib, but easily moved should the need arise for someone to use the crib. But, they also know that I have no desire to have any babies over night lol Just if they are here for a visit and need to put a little one down for a bit, they can in the crib without and problems. :-)
That
You aught to go onto www.bidorbuy.co.za and go and look at the dolls I have for sale. You will have to go to advanced search on top right hand and click on "search for sellers" then type in "geewhizz" that is my user name. Must use right spelling.
I still have a number I need to list.
(http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=53000773&aid=2030201#!/photo.php?fbid=526986138921&set=a.514751956321.2030201.53000773&theater) I don't know if that worked to post the pic. Just had to show off my Babies lol
I guess it didn't... here lol http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=53000773&aid=2030201#!/photo.php?fbid=526986138921&set=a.514751956321.2030201.53000773&theater (http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=53000773&aid=2030201#!/photo.php?fbid=526986138921&set=a.514751956321.2030201.53000773&theater)
No it didn't work.. try again :)
The SSA won't let me look at that until I get home...
You're not one of those "live baby" fiends are you?
LOL...ah.
"Live baby doll"
That's what I meant. Sheesh.
I you tubed doll hoarders... ahhh don't do that
No "live baby dolls" here. I HATE any that make noise or move. It scares the crap outta me. I saw Child's Play when I was little and was scarred for life! lol
Oh, good, then. They kind of scare me too. I can look now.
I was shopping with DH the other day going past a toy aisle and the end cap had those "baby alive" that are motion activated and jump up and down like they want out of their crib or something. Seriously freaked me out. Who would want to play with that?
Chuckie....here Chuckie....
Pooh! That's mean! I was like 5! Didn't play with my Kid Sister doll for YEARS! LOL
I think I need to find my one that rocks back and forth...... lol
Someone here has a plush monkey that rolls around on the floor laughing (ROTFL) it's head off. I want one! I laughed my head off, too! ;D ;D ;D
oh I missed it.. what descriptive word did Dail use towards her dolls that she got beeped (edited for).. it's about time someone else gets edited around here.. I know I'm not the only one with the bad word finger syndrome
I do my best to protect the innocent (whomever she may be.) Let me know if I miss anything...some forums start small and end up disgusting.
I'm sure that Adil just had a problem.. she has after all been adopted by mil/pooh
Come on Laurie have a heart. I'm weary of on purpose mistakes. Please?
What what seriously what did I say/type
Quote from: Laurie on March 07, 2011, 02:43:24 PM
oh I missed it.. what descriptive word did Dail use towards her dolls that she got beeped (edited for).. it's about time someone else gets edited around here.. I know I'm not the only one with the bad word finger syndrome
I apparently wrote it and missed it.... just said I needed to find my happy place? I'm so confused.
Quote from: Rejected on March 06, 2011, 10:16:46 AM
Dear Mama Tani
Since everyone else has touched on the crib bit, I'd like to address another bit you had in the original post but first I have a question. What does your DIL do to cause you to walk on eggshells? Is she flat out rude? Does she just give dirty looks often? Do you believe she's "controlling"? Is she confrontational? Is she extremely sarcastic to the point where it's rude?
You say that you think she is a wonderful mother and wife, yet you also say that your DS has basically given up & gives in to her. I'm confused by this and what you mean by it. How can your DIL be a wonderful wife yet have her DH give up? Do you talk to your DS about his wife or her FOO?
Also, when you visit for the 3-4 days do you stay at their house? Or do you get a hotel? 4 days of living under the same roof as my MIL or even my parents would be a little much, especially every 3-4 months.
I know that my MIL thinks "her baby" has given in to me and is on a string and I'm the puppet master, but she could never be more wrong. My DH is free to visit/call/skype her whenever he wants, but the truth is, he doesn't want to.
These are all the same questions and issues that come up with my MIL. And you last line about call/skype/visit and your DH- true here too. The fact is, he doesn't wan to be alone with his parents, so he waits until we basically HAVE to go, and I have to too.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 08, 2011, 05:15:55 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 07, 2011, 02:43:24 PM
oh I missed it.. what descriptive word did Dail use towards her dolls that she got beeped (edited for).. it's about time someone else gets edited around here.. I know I'm not the only one with the bad word finger syndrome
I apparently wrote it and missed it.... just said I needed to find my happy place? I'm so confused.
:) you aren't the only one Adil... I was just joking about know what *beeped* word you used. I figured it couldn't be to bad.. after all you were talking about dolls :)
If at all possible I would like to pass on being seen as the big, bad, (ridiculous?) "beeper." My best is lacking at times, I know that and apologize. Sending love, always...
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 07, 2011, 01:51:01 PM
Pooh! That's mean! I was like 5! Didn't play with my Kid Sister doll for YEARS! LOL
I think I need to find my one that rocks back and forth...... lol
Hee hee. Sorry. I have my own Child's Play story if it makes you feel better. I watched that stupid movie and HATED that stupid doll. I went to work a few months later for a new company on night shift (4 p.m. to 12 p.m.) doing data entry. It was a huge warehouse with offices upstairs, that only ran day shift in the warehouse. I am a smoker, and the smoking area was out back. So as I am walking through this dark, gloomy warehouse...with all these huge machines sitting idle, I was scaring myself silly. So I am calling out softly....Chuckie...here Chuckie...as I am walking through the darkness, trying to make myself laugh and not be afraid. As I ended the row of machines to head outside, one last...Chuckie...here Chuckie....and this big guy jumps out from behind the last machine and yells, "WHAT!!!!"
I screamed my head off and jumped 10 feet. He scared me so bad I think I dribbled myself a little. Come to find out, his name was actually Chuck, and he was the night time maintenance guy. He had heard me saying "his" name over and over again and couldn't figure out who was yelling for him. By the time he found me, he was irritated and yelled "WHAT!!!!"
Yeah, I couldn't look at that doll after that.
I always knew smoking was bad for you! ;)
Amen Sista!
Hi Mama Tani,
Welcome! I'm not on here very often due to the busy-ness of life, but I have found that this is a warm, welcoming environment in which to process through difficult situations.
If I may add my two cents about the crib issue -- my mom bought a crib when she knew we were expecting, and has bought two sets of bunk beds to accommodate all the grandkids now that they are getting older. I love it!!!! Her excitement about her grandchildren is palpable, and her desire to help us feel comfortable when we come to visit is fantastic! We have never felt threatened by this, but have received it as her expression of love for our family. This said, we had already established a pattern of visiting my parents several times a year (we lived 6 hours away), so to hope that this pattern would continue was a perfectly reasonable expectation.
From what you say, you sound like a very kind and giving person. Perhaps there would be a time when you could sit down with your DIL and invite her to share her perspective with you. So often we tread on eggshells rather than working through the issues together (I think I am the #1 eggshell walker). It is my experience that the DIL and MIL relationship can be a very difficult one to navigate, even when both individuals are wonderful.
I have recently heard of the book The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman.
Thought I might check it out....
May God grant you strength, wisdom, and perseverance
Hi Justme
there is absolutely nothing wrong with buying a crib for when the GK's come to stay .
The difference in your case is ...your mom bought the crib !
When it comes to MIL's buying cribs ...it's a whole different ball game !
I will always think of this line of thought , if I should ever go mad and think of buying a crib , for my house ,for my GD !
Heaven forbid .!
I too liked your post Justme.. and without pointing fingers or dividing the ranks, I would like to ask you if you might have felt the same if it was your mil purchasing the crib to place in her home. It does seem often that what is viewed a loving gesture by our own mothers can be taken as an infringement by a mil.
I am so shallow. When my MIL bought a crib for her home, my reaction was "Whee, Saturday night here we come!"
Luise.. darlin.. you're still saying that
Hi LL --
Thanks for commenting.
I'm afraid I have to disagree. My in-laws lived on the other side of the country, so when we visited them we would stay for a fairly long visit. Travelling with a baby, we had so much paraphenalia, there was no room to bring a pack'n'play with us. They had a ricketty old second hand pack-n-play which didn't even seem safe for the little one. Boy, did I wish they had a crib.
It seems to me that the issue is trying to join families which might have very different approaches to life. My mother's home was always full of people, never perfect, but always welcoming. I always knew that mom would love to have us stay for as long as possible, because she was always thrilled to have us there. Mistakenly, I assumed that my in-laws home would be similar. For example, I have had to learn that the busy-ness of people, while "heaven" to my mom, is quite stressful to my mother-in-law. I have had to learn that the generosity of my mother is seen as excess to my in-laws. Perhaps these are the things that Mama is working through. What is "normal" for her understanding of family life is not "normal" for her daughter-in-law. A good heart-to-heart about expectations would probably be helpful.
I always wished my in-laws had said "when you come to visit (now this was a reasonable assumption as we had always made a yearly trek their way), what can we do to make the trip easier for you and your little one?" Then we could have talked through our needs and their expectations.
When my son/dil and their two dogs were here for one an a half days after Christmas.. my dil was taken back when I had a dog crate for her one peeing-on-everything dog. Now mind you the dog has a crate at his own home which he is in whenever she is gone .. why? cause he pees on everything. I'd hate to see her reaction if I purchased a crib.
I know when I ask my son and his wife what I can do to make their visit more comfortable, I'll be told that she will be more comfortable staying at her moms :) But they are taking that darn dog with them.
Quote from: Laurie on March 08, 2011, 02:05:14 PM
I too liked your post Justme.. and without pointing fingers or dividing the ranks, I would like to ask you if you might have felt the same if it was your mil purchasing the crib to place in her home. It does seem often that what is viewed a loving gesture by our own mothers can be taken as an infringement by a mil.
Yes, I feel many times MILs on the son's side are treated differently than the DIL's mom.
My DS is so kind & accepting to his ILs, is willing to travel with them, help them, or be with them for days on end. Like DIL, he doesn't take offense to their advice, pushiness, or purchasing items for their home. He chalks it up to "yeah, they can be annoying sometimes, but they're my ILs. I put up with it to get along."
What a difference! If DH & I did any of that we'd be told about it for sure. DIL would not be amused. As DH always says, "Who raised her?"
Justme,
My MIL was a little offended that I didn't use her third generation crib. I know it's an heirloom, but it went against my better judgment due to safety issues, and I had a pack n play that was purchased new that DD had been sleeping in for the first 4 months of her life. It was a piece of home for her.
She said I just didn't use it b/c it was from her, but the truth is, since the safety standards have changed a lot in the last 50 or so years, I wasn't using it. She told me I was obstinate and that doctors, APA and CSC don't know everything; if it was good for her baby, it's good enough for mine.
I agree with her that doctors and CSC don't always get it right, which is why I pick and choose what I think is best upon advice, reading and other things. My judgment just didn't coincide with hers.
Now that DD had graduated to a crib of her own? Still not using that crib. I drag the pack n play with me down there.
But originally, I never had a problem with her having a crib. That's where we stay when we go down there, so it makes sense...and while she has asked for us to drop the baby off for a week, I figure that's totally within my control...and the answer is no at the moment. I might change my mind once DD is in a toddler bed, or I might not. I don't know. Neither DH nor I spent time away or had overnight visits with our GPs, so I'm not quite sure why that expectation is there.
Justme:
don't get me wrong ...if I thought for one moment my DIL would stay over with my GD ,I would rush out and buy a nursery .!
If you read some of the other comments made about '' The Crib '' you would have a bigger perspective of this thread .
I congratulate you on sharing your time with BOTH sets of grandparents .
Holli :
Baby's place is with it's mom .
I wouldn't' expect my GD overnight without her mom.
I'm glad to see her any time ,any place ,anywhere .
I'm not sure either Holli.. I did not send my babies off to stay with their grandparents, not because I didn't trust them as caregivers, but I just had no reason to. I also never had a babysitter for my first until after there was a second :) I breastfed my babies and maybe that had something to do with it.. my first could not handle a rubber nipple in his mouth.. lol.. poor thing would gag so unless the little human leech was with me, he was hungry. Besides when my babies woke up in the night they were looking for mom. I found so many other ways for their grandparents to be a huge part of their lives without having to have sleepovers. Now as I said before once they were 4 or so, they begged to go to Grandma's and they would alternate times, as I once let them both go and that was just to taxing for any grandmother :) Kids are quick and mine were very quick. Both sets of GP's would have been wasting their money if they were purchasing a crib with hopes of my baby staying there without me.
Laurie - you are such good medicine even if you do have a very active imagination!
My first was horrible about nursing.. I called the La Leche League and asked.. Now how do I get him off my chest
Laurie I can visualize you trying to get the baby off your chest. Awesome LOL.
LOL Nana it was so hard at one point.. My first was a tiny baby, full term but only 4 lbs, 4 oz and 17" long.. he was born without a sucking reflex (which I had no clue that could happen) so La Leche League was brought in along with hospital staff to help us all with what should have been perfectly normal reactions. They rightfully convinced me that the best thing for the development of this child was to breastfeed. He turned out to be healthy, happy, and attached in more ways then one. :) So spending time at grandma's without me couldn't be an option.. took care of all types of issues.
Regarding DILs resenting the purchase of new cribs/carseats/nursery items by MILs: aren't some of these items being purchased for the comfort of the visiting family and not for leaving the baby alone with ILs? I don't see the harm in that, but I guess every situation is different. I'll certainly not do it when the GC arrive unless DIL is totally on board. I'm glad to get the input in advance from all the DILS...if I can avoid land mines, why not?
IMHO, it would have been nice to have someone care enough to want to buy stuff, I think. I yearned for a big, loving family that would love my kids as much as DH & I did, but we were on our own due to distance in one case and disinterest in another. Perhaps if I'd had overbearing ILs or parents breathing down my neck 24/7 I'd have felt differently.
Holliberri, I wouldn't have wanted to use old, potentially dangerous equipment either. We used a pack n play on our trips, too; great invention. When the babies are done with it, you can use it for pets, LOL.
When my dil/son had my first grandchild. A friend of mine gave a beautiful wooden crib to have at home...just in case (lol) that dil/son would bring the baby....daytime or to spend the night with us. At first I was Öh God...what will dil say about this". Nevertheless I placed it in my room. (I was walking on eggshells with dil then). When they came to visit...they saw the crib...and I wanted to hide under my bed... My dil's round eyes were wide open. My son said "Mom...where did you get this crib" I said....my friend gave it to me. He said...it is beautiful...better than the one with have at home. Long story short...when they visited they placed the baby there.... and they did leave the baby under my care ocassionally overnight so there wasnt any problem.
I also bought carseat for my gc. At the beginning dil didnt like me to take the baby out in the car so it was just an ornament in my car.
What I am trying to say is that when dil doesnt approve of a mil....she will find fault in anything you do or dont do.
I suppose it never hurts to ask, maybe? Like, "When you guys are here and need to put the baby down for nap, do you plan on bringing a pack n play or shall I get a crib to lighten your load?"
I don't think too many people could take offense to that. I would ask a friend that; it's just an offer.
I'm with Nana. I think if a DIL is difficult, she will find fault with even a kind gesture and look for the inuendos. And if a MIL is difficult, she will find fault with anything DIL does.
I am constantly amazed here at what both some MILs and some DILS find offense in that just seem normal to me. What was that saying:
"Don't sweat the small stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff"
I purchased a crib and a carseat when my fist grandchild was born. My son and ex-dil thanked me because they did not have to worry about where to put their baby when they came for visits and they did not have to drag their pack-n-play along just to visit me. Same with the carseat...they never had to give me theirs when I took care of him..or if I needed to pick him up because they had to work.
I made life a little easier for both of them.
Now...I am using that same crib and carseat for my 2nd grandchild.
My daughter and son-in-law really appreciate it also.
When my granddaughter was born and my daughter and SIL had to go to Florida for the adoption, etc., we went a couple of days after them. I took one of those bouncy thingies that has a vibration motion to it. They loved it for her. Although she looked lost in it, it was great for her. They did not look at it as me being controlling, etc., They had a travel bassinet. By the time they got ready to go home, they had accumulated so much stuff we had to bring half of it home with us. We bought a car seat that was compatible with the stroller/car seat they had, so we could use it when we have the baby. The bouncy thing stays at my house and we used it until she grew out of it. I do have a pack and play to use when she's here spending the night or just to put her down for a nap. I don't think either one of them would have had a problem if I had put up a crib. I too think that some people would object to anything that a person does if they just want to find fault.
Quote from: Pen on March 08, 2011, 09:50:44 PM
Holliberri, I wouldn't have wanted to use old, potentially dangerous equipment either. We used a pack n play on our trips, too; great invention. When the babies are done with it, you can use it for pets, LOL.
I just had a vision of my 3 kitties snuggling in the pack n play. Too cute!
Either that, or my 70 lb. Lab. He'd probably love that. LOL.
Problem is when your DIL doesn't stay over , or let you look after your GK.
as for the car seat ....my DIL sent to Sweden for hers ( we are in the UK ).
She paid 300 Euros for it as was the safest one you can buy .
so any old thing in my car certainly would not do I'm afraid .
however I will ask her Holli , if maybe a travel cot ,as we call them , would be a good idea to have
when they visit for baby's nap ....good one !
Quote from: Pooh on March 09, 2011, 05:32:12 AM
"Don't sweat the small stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff"
I like that Pooh
I could not fault any young mother for wanting to make sure she has the safest equipment protecting her child.. I would think that there aren't many grand parents out there who wouldn't want the same.
It is unfortunate that actions that are meant as kindness are perceived quite differently between MIL's and DIL's. But after hearing from a couple MIL's who really do feel that they have a 'right' to have their grandchildren over for overnight stays without the parents I can see where lines have to be drawn. Once again the minority has tried to ruin it for the rest.
Since I do not lump or view my own DIL into a generic mold, I hope she gives me the chance to be who I am without the attached MIL stereotyped persona. I really only want for her to have a happy healthy baby and while I will not have a nursery set up here for the baby, I'm sure we can provide whatever she thinks she would need equipment wise if they were to visit overnight.
I hope so to Laurie .
I wish I had known about this forum before my GD came along .Maybe I could have missed all the pitfalls.I didn't foresee any of them .
I wouldn't put in a whole nursery either Laurie. But I would buy a crib and put it in the guest room if I knew my DIL was expecting and they visited. The difference in thinking is, I wouldn't consider it my right to have the baby spend the night just because I bought it. I would do it for convenience of anyone staying at the house. There will be more GC too and so I will go ahead and get it so if they do come over, even for a day visit, they have someone to put the baby, and all the GC could use it. The next DIL or Guest might appreciate it, maybe not. If no one uses it, I will eventually donate it to someone that could use it.
If my DIL doesn't want to use it, that's ok. If she doesn't like it, that's ok. Because it's not all about her. I'll have it for others possible GC and guests. No biggie.
I also keep extra toothbrushes, soaps, shampoos, toothpaste and small essentials in a basket in the guest room. Doesn't mean anyone has to use it, just consideration in case someone forgets something and needs it. No hidden agenda, no innuendos, just being nice.
But I do recognize there are MILs out there that would have an agenda. I'm just not one of them, even though my DIL might think differently. Oh, who am I kidding, she would think differently.
Yep Pooh, some are just bent on seeing the world in black. This may sound really tacky.. but I don't want to use up my guest room with a crib, since it's only one grandchild. I got to see my son 2 full days all of last year because I would not combine her family into all our plans, so how many days do you think I'd see a grandchild? Nope, I'll rent or borrow if they are visiting and they need some sort of supplies.
Oh I do the same things with my guest rooms and baths.. stock them up with goodies.. when my dd's bf comes over he always seems to need to shower here (we know he's clean :) ) I keep his bath stocked with that Axe soap.. he fills my house with the most wonderful fragrance.. he almost turns into a walking glade wick.
Quote from: Laurie on March 09, 2011, 08:14:27 AM
Yep Pooh, some are just bent on seeing the world in black. This may sound really tacky.. but I don't want to use up my guest room with a crib, since it's only one grandchild. I
That's funny! When DH and I got our house, the front bedroom (now guest room) was supposed to be for me because he had the basement and the office.... Well, I was quite peeved when he moved his big bed in there. It seriously takes up half the room! Now I don't spend any time in there. I also don't like overnight guests. We don't have any friends or family that live far enough away to warrant an overnight visit. Sooooo, the rooms sits with that big bed going to waste (as well as my "craft room") :(
Time for that clunker of a bed to go to Goodwill! Would that create Badwill?
Lol...we don't have them often either ADIL, but it makes me feel good to know it's there.
And here comes my warped sense of humor......Do you know how many women friends I have, and a Mother that keep a huge dining room, all nice and dressed up, to use maybe 2 times a year? I bet if you ask them they will say they do it, because they like it, it is pretty and they have it for special occasions if it arises. I think of my guest room the same way...Lol.
My DH isn't much of a party guy, so anything I want to purchase that means "company may be on the horizon" makes him go all deer-in-the-headlights. Sort of the bizarro-world version of a DIL who freaks when MIL buys a crib or a car seat, LOL.
And, another thing. My daughter travels two or three times a year. My SIL is a detective for his local county. He is on call at various time during the week. This was his own words, if A is working (travelling) and I'm on call, I can bring the baby to stay with you. Right? Oh, YES SIR! We'd love to help! Other than that, until she is older I don't expect many overnight visits. When she turns one, I will start having her one day a week for Fafe and C time. Granddaddy will enjoy it too.
PEN:
That made me laugh out loud for real ....hahaha..!!
Quote from: luise.volta on March 09, 2011, 08:45:59 AM
Time for that clunker of a bed to go to Goodwill! Would that create Badwill?
Most definitely lol He built it with his dad! lol